A long time ago I had a male friend who was super quiet. Very shy.
I had the thought from time to time that he was too passive and dweeby.
The other day I was reading a sweet book called The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce.
The main character is an unassuming man, quiet, very careful, teetotaler, risk-averse. You’d probably call him shy. British and contained.
I’ve always loved many things about this type of character, having spent time in England as a child. I was born in London. (I’m a British citizen even though you wouldn’t know it from my accent. I sounded British when I was seven though).
But as I was reading, I also noticed a few memories surface.
Of my dad, of course…..and then spreading on from that original implant or impression to other men with that stereotypical personality of reservedness.
He should stop being so freakin’ careful, for crying out loud!
He should speak the truth, look up, not be afraid of confrontation, say no when he means it, say yes when he means it, ask for what he needs, pursue what he wants!
God, what a waste of time being careful and holding BACK!!!
Oh. (Clearing throat).
Got carried away for a second. Apparently this gentle character in the story I’m reading set me off into memory-ville about my long lost friend…and my dad…and other men I’ve known.
Apparently there’s a pattern here.
These men should stop being so careful…is that true?
Why would I want that? What does it mean about them, about me, when I perceive them as too careful?
If someone keeps their thoughts and feelings bottled inside and is constantly frightened of confrontation, what’s really bad about that?
They would dissolve into nothingness, never make a difference, they would have a pointless life, they wouldn’t matter, they wouldn’t make an impact, or connect with others (or with me).
And why would THAT be a bad thing?
Because it feels disconnected, lost, distant, apathetic…
….unloving, uncaring.
Oh boy. We’re back to the old underlying belief “he doesn’t care about me.”
Let’s take a look again today.
He or she doesn’t care about me.
Is that true?
Yes. If they cared, they’d be willing to reach out, stop caring so much about only themselves and how nervous they are, and relax for once. They’d take a stand. They’d talk, ask questions, respond, write, call, reach out.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true that this character trait, this way of being (controlled emotions, careful, suppressed) is really bad? Are you sure it means someone doesn’t care?
No.
How do you react when you think someone should be bolder than they are, when they should spit it out, talk, or stop being shy or nervous?
Frustrated! Guilty! Furious! Demanding!
I’d be like Harold’s son in the story I’m reading. Angry and disgusted.
I growl. It’s really not that fun.
So who would you be without the belief that those people should stop being so careful? And show they care?
Something gentle happens inside.
Letting everyone be exactly the way they are. Doing what they do, acting like that, so proper and controlled and withholding or whatever.
I see how kind and patient they are. Willing to not know, to be confused, to wait. I see how much they care, and also that it doesn’t matter really, if they care or if they don’t.
Turning the thoughts around: those men should not stop that way of being, they should be just as they are. I am the one who should stop being careful and withholding, who should show how much I care about them.
Instead of feeling critical, I might notice what I appreciate about them.
I should care about myself, and if I desire speaking up, then do it.
I should express, feel, show, be who I am without hesitation, without controlling myself, without fear, and with compassion.
“She doesn’t expect results, because she has no future. She realizes the efficiency, the necessity of the way of it, how full it is, how rich, beyond any concept she could have of what it should be. In that realization her life is always renewed. She herself is the way of it, always opening to what comes, always contented.” ~ Byron Katie
If I am always open to what comes…and here comes the uptight nervous proper one…I can give him a big huge hug because I notice he is so adorable, so tender, soft, easy, patient, concerned, and thoughtful.
He is strong, resilient, direct and simple, loving and caring. That’s also true.
Today I live the amends to my father, loving the quiet sweet men I have in my life who are so brilliant, yielding and open.
Noticing the support they’ve given.
“Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy.” ~ Adyashanti
Much love, Grace