Yesterday was my first day back on the dance floor since my leg got sewn back together!
Oh the joy, the beauty, the people, the music, the movement, the fun of dancing!!
But I have a big confession to make.
Last year when I was inspired to begin this fun Saturday morning open free-form dance with my husband….
….in my head was a picture of a whole room full of awesome people dancing together, sweatin’, singing, being themselves no matter what age or ability.
We had called tons of studios, big room, or spaces where people could easily dance.
Over and over the same question: Are you available Saturday mornings?
Hardly ever available. Aerobics classes, Nia classes, kung fu, tai chi, lessons, groups, salsa. No, we only do our own classes, no we don’t rent space on Saturdays, no we don’t know anywhere else you could try.
Rats.
And then…it turned out because of cuts in city funding, a city community center that was normally never open on Saturdays WOULD be available for a pretty high fee. Like the highest fee of anyplace we had ever called.
Ok. What the heck. Let’s do it. We need 20 people to break even. No problem.
I really thought, absolutely no problem. There will probably be 30 people there, maybe even 40 or 50, on the first day.
It was a winter, drizzly, cold, early February Saturday morning. A good day to dance!
After several visits to the community center dance hall to scope it all out, gather our sound equipment and music together, get dance cards made, set up the room, and sign rental agreements…..my husband and I returned with anticipation, excitement and a little adrenaline in our hearts.
Finally! Our first free-form dance, open to everyone! Soooooo exciting!!
Everything was ready. Doors opened at 10 am!
The clock ticked past 10:15 am.
No one.
I began to get a fearful sensation in my stomach. 10:20 am.
No one.
OMG. This is like having a party, inviting friends, and no one showing up. A worst nightmare. Like a high school movie. The geek has a birthday party and no one comes.
This is sad.
My heart was sinking. My mind started racing.
Oh so, so wonderful to have The Work. To notice when stress, fear, pain, anxiety, discomfort of any kind presented itself within me…and know what to do with it.
Feel it.
Ask it what it thinks is true….that is NOT really in truly true?
- we are losers
- we screwed up
- we thought people wanted to dance with us, but they don’t
- we’ve made a mistake
- this is terrible, a disaster
- this is embarrassing
- I can’t dance today after all
Then a good friend appeared. ONE good friend. She was here to help. (Although there was no one to help, no lines, no crowds, no people pouring in–ha ha).
Then another good friend appeared who had promised to come.
Are you serious? I think I’m going to throw up.
10:25, past time to start the music.
My very optimistic and happy husband, who seemed to not be worried about this situation whatsoever, started our music set, right at about the same time as two more people came.
We all began to dance. All six of us.
And the work was starting to work itself in me. I could see the part of me that was five years old flailing on the floor with disappointment.
Two more people showed up…but that was the Grand Total for the morning.
Is it true? Is it true? Are you sure this is a terrible disastrous event, worthy of embarrassment? Are you sure you can’t feel the inspiration to dance?
No. I’m dancing right now. I’m moving. If I were alone in my living room, this is how I would move….and I love this movement.
Is it true that we are losers, that no one wants to be with us, that this means that we made a mistake, that we are ashamed?
No. I can’t know that any of that is true.
Do we need other people to be here to have fun? Does anyone need any other person with them to express joy? Do any of us need a companion, of any kind, in order to be happy?
No. Wow. No.
Who would I be without the thought that 20 or more people should be here? That since they are not here, this is shameful, uncomfortable, difficult, or something wrong with me?
Dancing. Noticing how much I love the space, the trees through the gigantic window, the music.
Everything on its own trajectory, its own timing.
I need a crowd, is it true? No.
I turn the thoughts around, in the middle of dancing:
- we are winners
- we did it beautifully, perfectly for this moment
- we thought people wanted to dance with us, and they do
- we’ve made a correction
- this is wonderful, a miracle
- this is a blessing, good fortune, something to be proud of
- I can dance!
I suddenly realized that this moment was just like being single and stood up on a date….if I could enjoy being there all by myself, with deep joy….I would never “need” a partner again.
What a relief.
Whomever showed up would be like icing on the cake.
Ahhhhh, a powerful lesson. A test of faith.
I couldn’t have paid for a workshop or personal coaching or business coaching or accessed connection to leadership, power, and unconditional love for this moment in any better way.
I had to see it for myself, I had to feel the dance right here, with these six people who came (plus husband). I was not alone, I was not in need, I did not have to hide, I was making a correction in what I thought was necessary to be happy.
Holy Smokes!
“When all struggle ceases, there is nothing to bind us to a distorted perception of existence and we can finally see. What we see is that we do not simply exist within existence, but all of existence exists within us as well. And although everywhere we look we see the endless diversity of life, we also now see our own true face in everything under the sun.” ~ Adyashanti
Yesterday, a year later, 26 people came to our Saturday morning dance. Just the right amount. No more, no less. Just the perfect combination of people. More and more every week over time. More and more, steady, showing up, celebrating, expressing.
“Imagine….no one shows up…look around the room. It’s empty…You like silence. You have time out of your schedule to sit, be still, and do your own work. You could probably use some time, right? Look around that room, are you OK? You’re the one that matters…YOU’RE the one…..The universe will give you what you need against your best thought.” ~ Byron Katie
Without any stressful thoughts….all that can be said, is thank you, thank you. How absolutely amazing.
And the exciting vision of 50 people dancing together on a rainy Saturday morning—still here!
Much love,
Grace