Tag: disappointment

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from a place of peace, we can more easily take the next step

Remember when I used to write a Grace Note every single day? It didn’t matter if I was traveling, in a different time zone, even teaching a retreat.

I always sat down and did The Work in writing often completing it before I went to sleep, and scheduled it to send a few hours later.

Then my thumbs started getting carpel tunnel, I’d miss or leave things to go write, I’d not get relaxing time with family.

So, the way of peace was to rest more, without so much activity.

We often think we have to do, do, do! Go, go, go! Push on! Keep up the good work! Don’t stop! Never stop working towards the goal! ACTION IS ALWAYS GOOD!

We all know what the usual ideas about “taking action” sound like.

Mind says: You need to get to that other place. The successful place. The place where you’ve achieved what you want to achieve.

That would be so great, right?

I’ll be happy when I get there.

I’ll have enough money. I’ll be the right size body. I’ll have a great relationship. I won’t have compulsions. I will have made it. I’ll be safe. I’ll be enlightened.

Until then….I can’t rest. And I can’t get no satisfaction.

I need to keep moving. Get that last thing “done” before I shut down for the night, so I’m ready to keep it going as soon as I wake up next morning.

Time for inquiry.

Think of just one “goal” you’d love to achieve. The project you want done. The success you’d love to call yours.

You need to get there in order to be happy—is that true?

I’m thinking of having money set aside for retirement and to pay medical bills or get support in old age.

Enough. There. Done.

I’d be happy. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

Many people right now in the Eating Peace program have had this thought about being the “right” weight. Being thin.

It seems true.

If I was the right size (the scale read the right numbers) or if I had whatever x amount of dollars or if my garage was cleaned out or if my health was perfect, or if I had a fabulous loving relationship, if my spouse changed, if my book was published, or if I found the spiritual answer I’ve been seeking….

….I’d be happy.

Is it 100% guaranteed for-all-time true?

Woah. Um.

Heh heh. I’m not sure.

I do notice this mind seems to find fault very quickly with What Is. It begins to wonder if there isn’t something more interesting over the next horizon?

In my particular situation considering the belief I’ll be happy if I have some money for retirement, I’ve worked with so many people–even those in the money course I offer in the new year annually–who have ample money for years worth of retirement.

And they still aren’t “happy”.

I can’t absolutely know that if I got what I think I want, I’d be happy or enjoying life without fear.

It doesn’t mean I won’t still get the thing. It doesn’t mean it isn’t a good idea.

It’s just that putting all that happiness onto the achievement of this future hope, this future gain, this future ideal isn’t necessarily going to bring some state of happiness, or absence of fear, or complete peace.

So what happens when you believe the achievement of some goal means you’ll be happy?

Well, I work towards that goal like a worker bee without stopping. I don’t see the forest for the trees, only the one tree in front of me.

I hurt my own thumbs even though they’re getting stiff by writing too often.

I read piles of books about the topics I’m interested in. I hunt.

So who would you be without your belief that you must get “there” in order to be truly, fully happy?

Pause.

What if this was your last week on earth (in a good way–I’m not trying to scare you)?

My dear friend Carl died last year, just over a year ago. A year before he died, he felt he hadn’t achieved all the creative artist output he wanted to. He hadn’t put up a website he loved, and only had two successful gallery shows with his art. No agent signings with his music.

But as he moved towards death by cancer, he continued joyfully with his creative work with nothing holding him back. I never heard him say “I didn’t make it” even though some things did not happen for him. He was picking out his favorite website photos and the artwork in his last month of life.

I had the thought…..that could be me even if I’m 92 years old and an entire life lived….there would still be something I didn’t complete or finish.

And there would also be a ton I did.

Experiences, sharing, wondering, looking, being, doing, resting and taking action.

Who I’d be without the thought there’s some different alternative better way, that isn’t here yet, is peaceful.

I’d even be laughing.

Turning the story around:

You do NOT need to get to that other place in the imagination. This place here is a successful place. This place here is neither a successful nor failing place. There is no achievement by “me” in isolation.

Life is happening, and I’m a violin being played. I don’t seem to be a saxophone. Even if I Iike the sound of the saxophone, it’s not required to notice beauty, joy, grief, fullness of heart, noise, silence.

This place here, this moment, is a fine moment without my beliefs about it, or my beliefs about myself and what’s required for safety, security, love.

This place now, this moment now, has come to be….and it’s astonishing.

Now which place do you think is more likely to produce some kind of interesting activity, movement, or change:

The first orientation, where What Is, is not good enough? Or the place I see when I inquire…where What Is, is rather exciting, quiet, wondrous?

“From a place of peace, we can more easily take the next step. And sometimes the next step means taking no step at all, but falling deeply in love with where we are. This is NOT the same as giving up. This is not passivity or toleration of the ‘negative’. This is not the same as abandoning all hope of a better future. There is no abandonment here. This is not stagnation. This is not weakness. This is true courage. The willingness to slow down, be present, drink in all the richness – the joy and the sorrow, the doubt and the creativity – of the present scene.” ~ Jeff Foster

The more true turnaround is that my thinking isn’t “there” or “good enough” or “successful”.

It’s in the future, or the past, unsatisfied, worried, anxious.

But it’s just a thought.

Other than that, everything’s perfect.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’re drawn to answering the four questions and finding turnarounds, and feeling the potential surprise at the other side of inquiry…there’s still space at Breitenbush Dec. 6-9 (Thurs evening through Sunday lunch). Call to make your reservations 503-854-3320.

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Are you sure it’s disappointing?

if you're disappointed....time to question your thoughts
if you’re disappointed….time to question your thoughts

In the past year, I’ve received a few questions from people connected to the Institute for The Work (ITW) about credits for programs I offer, but especially Year of Inquiry.

(In case you’re not familiar with ITW, it’s a very thorough in-depth training and certification program in Facilitation of The Work created by Byron Katie and many others in 2008).

I finally decided to write to the institute friends and ask about whether or not Year of Inquiry could offer more credits for these folks training to become certified facilitators.

Just the other day, I found out….not yet.

First, I need to offer some of their teleclasses inside the Institute, and teach their curriculum.

It makes sense. They need to see me in action as a teacher, get evaluations from people taking the courses, get super familiar with the curriculum inside ITW.

I had this little let-down though.

I had gotten all excited. They ran it by Katie. It sounded like I might very well be able to call my one year program the equivalent to a 9 day School for The Work plus 80 more hours of partner training in facilitation.

That would have been a lot of credits people could get, for taking Year of Inquiry!

Have you ever found out some exciting, maybe unexpected news….and thought Oh Cool! That sounds great!

You get excited and have visions of the way it will be.

It was like a little journey inside the head….I might be able to offer ALL THOSE CREDITS to people….wowwee!

Imagination goes off on thrilled tangent at how awesome it is because more people will like this and sign up, it will help them, this is an acknowledgement of the beauty of the program.

Then….wait. No, it turns out. Not gonna happen.

Imagination goes off on a disappointed tangent. Too bad because now no one will sign up, people like credits so they won’t like this, I’m doing it wrong.

It is HILARIOUS how the mind runs rampant with one new idea, and what it thinks it means, all in a course of literally a few days.

Now, here’s the great, great, great and I mean great news about all this.

There was a strong part of me, a place I was looking from the whole time, that was unmoved and completely undisturbed.

It had no idea what would be best here. It watched with a neutral eye.

It’s like there was a twinkle of fun in the whole thing.

And I notice plans for Year of Inquiry moving forward, with joy, with or without credits.

How do I know I’m supposed to carry on, and for now it doesn’t matter? It feels right. It feels brilliant and exciting.

It feels like the perfect format for some people, those who don’t care about certification credits (just like it’s always been so far) who want to keep returning to The Work over and over, week after week, every month, all year.

Year of Inquiry is for those who want to answer the four questions deeply without giving up or quitting, or dreaming of doing The Work without DOING it.

I organized it because I needed it, and I still love it.

The most remarkable people tend to show up. This is not surprising. People who know they want to quiet themselves down, slow their minds down, and become more loving and kind with the world and with themselves.

Who would I be without the story that having mega-credits to offer participants in Year of Inquiry would have been the better outcome?

Trusting. Happy. Laughing.

Thrilled to implement the newer format I have planned, and the longer 4 day retreats for both autumn and spring, and the new webinar that’ll be at the beginning of each month on the topic with guidance through a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and the more in-depth partner work for those who want it, and the monthly in-person group again.

Who would you be, right in this moment, without the belief that it should have gone that other way? The way you were hoping it might go, even if just for awhile?

Who would you be without the belief that you should have been with that other partner, or it would have been better in the other job or position, or it would have been better if you got the second house instead of the first, or it would be better if you had a possible $25 instead of the $10 in your hand right now, or you had gotten the green one instead of the red one?

Turning the thought around: the way it’s going is perfect. Everything unfolding in just the right timing, in just the right way, for the highest good for all.

Can you find this feeling within, for your situation?

How could this be as true, or truer, for the Year of Inquiry program?

Well, I don’t have to evaluate others on their facilitation skills or their awareness, or for any reason at all. I don’t need to “grade” anyone. Or myself. I’m learning from everyone there.

People can come to Year of Inquiry to immerse themselves in however much inquiry they want, it’s all optional, there’s nothing mandatory or required. It’s sooooo easy for me (and what I’ve been learning is true about life–that nothing’s required–even when I think something is).

I get to relax and see who shows up, and notice how quiet, peaceful and silent this moment is right now….no matter what’s going on in the mind.

I can do whatever I want, make changes whenever I want, take suggestions and new ideas whenever I want. Last year we started an in-person group because someone in YOI wanted more face-to-face contact. Bam. It was created.

How would I ever possibly be able to know that the other alternative I was dreaming of for a few days….would have been better?

How do I know it wasn’t supposed to happen? It didn’t.

That goes for everything that didn’t happen.

Wow.

“The past is an illusion (over). The future is an illusion (not happened yet) so any time you’re worried, you’re worried over….Nothing. That’s how friendly the Universe is.” ~ Byron Katie in Being With Byron Katie 2016

“Return is the movement of the Tao. Yielding is the way of the Tao.” ~ Tao Te Ching #40

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you have the idea you might love doing The Work for a year with other marvelous and interesting people….and you wonder if The Work could really be helpful for you….I’ll be offering two live masterclass webinars in August on how to dissolve barriers to your process in The Work, when Year of Inquiry is still open for early-bird registration. August 4 or August 9. More soon. Just a little heads-up special for Grace Note readers.

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I’m buying a ticket to see myself on Thursday

disappointment
How do you react when you believe you can’t go?

“There are NO TICKETS LEFT????”

But!!

I have been planning on driving the 90 minutes north on the freeway for several months to see and hear this man speak!!

It’s already planned! We’re leaving at 3 in the afternoon! I have the whole afternoon/evening blocked off! I’m getting my car oil changed just to drive the 80 miles north!

There’s a picture in my head.

I get in the car with my daughter. We have a smooth drive north, greeting my son at his apartment, going to get some yummy dinner somewhere, and then going to the university campus to hear the inspiring and curious man talk.

I just finished his book on the airplane a month ago, reading, reading, reading…..(Die Wise by Stephen Jenkinson).

The whole flight from London to Vancouver I was loving that book.

Pausing to put the book down, eyes tearing up, considering the awesome topic: Death.

I didn’t know he would sell out an entire auditorium!

Where was this announced? Why wasn’t I informed?

Who’s organizing things around here?

(They did it wrong since I am not on the list for entry–chuckle).

Here comes the little voice within. A high-pitched protest, and honestly I can’t even hardly muster more than a split second of arguing with what is, but it is there.

Yes, it is there.

This news.

It all happens in literally about 3 seconds.

Reading the words SOLD OUT.

A flare goes up.

The next thoughts of solving the “problem”.

Who is selling the tickets? Is there a box office? What if I try to buy a ticket from someone who can’t use theirs, on my way in…..like for rock concerts or the Seahawks?

But I have two young adult children I want to go WITH me and THEY want to go, too. Three tickets is harder than one. But I could go alone if its that frickin’ important.

Think, think, think. (Blah, blah, blah).

Outcomes of future image possibilities flashing behind my eyes.

I research a moment, send one email.

She replies back…..yep…..SOLD OUT. Sorry ‘bout that.

But here’s the wonderful thing about inquiry.

No trying to make anything happen, or trying to make the outcome different….

….the thought simply arises like a balloon over the whole flurry of “this is not good”….

….maybe I’m meant to stay home Thursday next week.

Or, maybe I still drive to visit my son, with my daughter, and we have dinner and wander on over to the venue just to see, no expectations. And we get home at a reasonable hour if there’s no chance to hear the lecture.

Who knows?

I relax.

Let’s see where this goes.

Maybe I’ve been spared, for all I know.

Who would you be without the belief that what you want is the best for you, next Thursday?

I mean, seriously?

I notice this same author is coming back to my area in the northwest US next spring. I notice I am not teaching a retreat or workshop that day.

I notice the event is the same topic, but six hours instead of two.

Maybe I’ll go.

But it’s not required, I also notice.

Why do I think being in this author’s presence sounds so thrilling?

(You can do this work if you have a crush on someone, or want to go to a workshop with someone you admire, or feel left out at work, or want to be praised by your boss….anything).

Why do I want to go?

Well. I love contemplating existence, and non-existence, and caring for others who are in pain or dying. I love contemplating my own departure from this form.

I love opening to life, and death, and temporary, and permanent.

I think he knows a lot about these things. He’s hung out with a lot of people who are “dying”. I got to do that, too, for five years.

So my energy gravitated naturally towards spending time in a contemplation with someone else, and a whole room full of people, all of whom want to lean all the way in to this inquiry about life and death, and wise-ness.

It sounds wonderful.

So why do you want to hang out with the person you’ve got an eye on?

Turn the thought around: I need to buy a ticket to an event with myself next Thursday. I do not neeeeeeeeeed to buy a ticket to see the author next Thursday. I need to buy a ticket to whatever Thursday is, wherever I am, and whoever I’m actually with.

These are just as true, or truer.

I need to contemplate death, and life, and laughter, and tears.
I do not need to go, unless I do (and so far, it’s not at all necessary, obviously).
Do you notice, when you turn something around like this, that your mind might say “but, it’s not as fun or good or enlightening or sexy or pleasurable when it’s me, myself and I”?
Are you sure?
“Skip the middle man!” ~ Byron Katie
 
Next Thursday, since the afternoon is already blocked off on my calendar (for like, two months, may I remind you)….
….since my calendar is blocked off….how could I enter an evening of open contemplation and curiosity about death, hospice, declining body, exiting, and my own deepest knowing that I will die wise?
Hmmmm, this could be really good, no matter what.
“The master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
Much Love, Grace
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Is The Universe Giving You What You Need?

Yesterday was my first day back on the dance floor since my leg got sewn back together!

Oh the joy, the beauty, the people, the music, the movement, the fun of dancing!!

But I have a big confession to make.

Last year when I was inspired to begin this fun Saturday morning open free-form dance with my husband….

….in my head was a picture of a whole room full of awesome people dancing together, sweatin’, singing, being themselves no matter what age or ability.

We had called tons of studios, big room, or spaces where people could easily dance.

Over and over the same question: Are you available Saturday mornings?

Hardly ever available. Aerobics classes, Nia classes, kung fu, tai chi, lessons, groups, salsa. No, we only do our own classes, no we don’t rent space on Saturdays, no we don’t know anywhere else you could try.

Rats.

And then…it turned out because of cuts in city funding, a city community center that was normally never open on Saturdays WOULD be available for a pretty high fee. Like the highest fee of anyplace we had ever called.

Ok. What the heck. Let’s do it. We need 20 people to break even. No problem.

I really thought, absolutely no problem. There will probably be 30 people there, maybe even 40 or 50, on the first day.

It was a winter, drizzly, cold, early February Saturday morning. A good day to dance!

After several visits to the community center dance hall to scope it all out, gather our sound equipment and music together, get dance cards made, set up the room, and sign rental agreements…..my husband and I returned with anticipation, excitement and a little adrenaline in our hearts.

Finally! Our first free-form dance, open to everyone! Soooooo exciting!!

Everything was ready. Doors opened at 10 am!

The clock ticked past 10:15 am.

No one.

I began to get a fearful sensation in my stomach. 10:20 am.

No one.

OMG. This is like having a party, inviting friends, and no one showing up. A worst nightmare. Like a high school movie. The geek has a birthday party and no one comes.

This is sad.

My heart was sinking. My mind started racing.

Oh so, so wonderful to have The Work. To notice when stress, fear, pain, anxiety, discomfort of any kind presented itself within me…and know what to do with it.

Feel it.

Ask it what it thinks is true….that is NOT really in truly true?

  • we are losers
  • we screwed up
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, but they don’t
  • we’ve made a mistake
  • this is terrible, a disaster
  • this is embarrassing
  • I can’t dance today after all

Then a good friend appeared. ONE good friend. She was here to help. (Although there was no one to help, no lines, no crowds, no people pouring in–ha ha).

Then another good friend appeared who had promised to come.

Are you serious? I think I’m going to throw up. 

10:25, past time to start the music.

My very optimistic and happy husband, who seemed to not be worried about this situation whatsoever, started our music set, right at about the same time as two more people came.

We all began to dance. All six of us.

And the work was starting to work itself in me. I could see the part of me that was five years old flailing on the floor with disappointment.

Two more people showed up…but that was the Grand Total for the morning.

Is it true? Is it true? Are you sure this is a terrible disastrous event, worthy of embarrassment? Are you sure you can’t feel the inspiration to dance?

No. I’m dancing right now. I’m moving. If I were alone in my living room, this is how I would move….and I love this movement.

Is it true that we are losers, that no one wants to be with us, that this means that we made a mistake, that we are ashamed?

No. I can’t know that any of that is true.

Do we need other people to be here to have fun? Does anyone need any other person with them to express joy? Do any of us need a companion, of any kind, in order to be happy?

No. Wow. No.

Who would I be without the thought that 20 or more people should be here? That since they are not here, this is shameful, uncomfortable, difficult, or something wrong with me?

Dancing. Noticing how much I love the space, the trees through the gigantic window, the music.

Everything on its own trajectory, its own timing.

I need a crowd, is it true? No.

I turn the thoughts around, in the middle of dancing:

  • we are winners
  • we did it beautifully, perfectly for this moment
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, and they do
  • we’ve made a correction
  • this is wonderful, a miracle
  • this is a blessing, good fortune, something to be proud of
  • I can dance!

I suddenly realized that this moment was just like being single and stood up on a date….if I could enjoy being there all by myself, with deep joy….I would never “need” a partner again.

What a relief.

Whomever showed up would be like icing on the cake.

Ahhhhh, a powerful lesson. A test of faith.

I couldn’t have paid for a workshop or personal coaching or business coaching or accessed connection to leadership, power, and unconditional love for this moment in any better way.

I had to see it for myself, I had to feel the dance right here, with these six people who came (plus husband). I was not alone, I was not in need, I did not have to hide, I was making a correction in what I thought was necessary to be happy.

Holy Smokes!

“When all struggle ceases, there is nothing to bind us to a distorted perception of existence and we can finally see. What we see is that we do not simply exist within existence, but all of existence exists within us as well. And although everywhere we look we see the endless diversity of life, we also now see our own true face in everything under the sun.” ~ Adyashanti

 Yesterday, a year later, 26 people came to our Saturday morning dance. Just the right amount. No more, no less. Just the perfect combination of people. More and more every week over time. More and more, steady, showing up, celebrating, expressing.

“Imagine….no one shows up…look around the room. It’s empty…You like silence. You have time out of your schedule to sit, be still, and do your own work. You could probably use some time, right? Look around that room, are you OK? You’re the one that matters…YOU’RE the one…..The universe will give you what you need against your best thought.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any stressful thoughts….all that can be said, is thank you, thank you. How absolutely amazing.

And the exciting vision of 50 people dancing together on a rainy Saturday morning—still here!

Much love,

Grace