I was talking with my mom on the phone. I called her because I had the pool schedule, and she had offered to take me swimming again.
I had discovered a rehabilitation warm-water pool about 30 minutes away from my home…perfect for me and my stiff, hurting body after lying in bed for 3 weeks after my leg surgery.
My mom had picked me up and taken me and gotten in the pool with me, following me with my crutches and helping me get dressed in the locker room.
I couldn’t lean over to pick up anything, or reach my right foot.
She had to put on my sock and tie my shoe, like when I was four.
Now we were talking on the phone and I was excitedly telling her about when we could go again.
But I heard a hesitation in her voice.
“The chlorine kind of bothers me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick with this. I’m wondering if you have any other options for people who could drive you?”
Oh.
Rats.
A feeling of embarrassment came up through me. I had the thought that while I had enjoyed myself, she had not.
The thing is, people often want to help you when you have an accident, or you’re sick, or you have a very rough experience–maybe a devastating loss, an abrupt change, a shocking diagnosis.
But sometimes….the help can feel uncomfortable.
Like, you’re weighing and measuring how much help is OK, whether or not you should really ask for All That, and if the person who is offering help really means it.
It’s a strange doubt that enters.
The one where even though someone is saying “please tell me what I can do to help” but you think “they will think I’m a pain in the ass if I tell them what they could really do to help”.
Discomfort can even overcome us when we need to ask directions, or for the bathroom key, or for a different meal, or for the late fee to be removed.
These kinds of stressful thoughts are cloudy, confusing, worrisome, and anxiety-producing.
Is that person pleased or repulsed by my need for help?
Let’s take a look and see what could be going on when you’re in need of something, but you’re afraid to ask…or you’ve asked, and the answer appears to be “no”.
- She doesn’t like me
- He’s just too busy–other things are more important
- She’ll feel obligated
- He’ll do it, be secretly resentful and I’ll pay for it later
- He’ll think I owe him
- They’ll think something’s wrong with me
- They’ll feel uncomfortable about saying no, even though they want to
Is it true that someone might feel obliged, resentful, owed if they help you?
Yes! They might not feel comfortable saying no, and then feel stuck and like they should help.
It could come between us. They might avoid me.
Even if they are a stranger, they might feel all twisted up inside and want to run for the hills because they don’t even like being asked.
Can I absolutely know that it’s true that all these possibilities are to be avoided, that they are dangerous outcomes? Can I absolutely know that if someone says “no” that they don’t like me anymore?
No.
How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t impose, shouldn’t ask for too much help, should do things by myself, or that it’s much better to be entirely independent and need nothing?
How do I react when I believe that people don’t tell the truth, feel stuck, or feel like they are owed something for helping?
I NEVER ask anyone for anything! If I really need something, I agonize about who, when, where and how to ask. I do everything I can to get what I need without putting anyone out.
Phew, it’s a lot of work being in other peoples’ business!
Who would I be without the thought that receiving a “no” is bad, for any reason? Without the thought that someone saying “no” means something about me?
Can you imagine having a “no” be just as fabulous as a “yes”?
How exciting!
Without that thought, everything feels easy, fun, full of humor. Not serious, grave and heavy.
Without the thought….absolute freedom to ask, to hear the answer, to confirm, to have conversations about what works and what doesn’t.
Turning the thoughts around: she still loves me, he may be too busy and that’s fine (it doesn’t mean I’m not important), people will or won’t feel obliged and it doesn’t really matter, he’ll tell the truth honestly with a “yes” or “no”, they’ll think something’s right with me for asking, it’s not my business if they feel uncomfortable saying “no”.
The only thing I am responsible for is asking for what I want, hearing the answer, moving on.
That’s it.
So simple.
Nothing personal.
“I trust everyone. I trust them to do what they do, and I’m never disappointed. And since I trust people, I know to let them find their own way. The wonderful thing about inquiry is that there’s no one to guide you but you. There’s no guru, no teacher who, in her great wisdom, shows you the answers. Only your own answers can help you. You yourself are the way and the truth and they life, and when you realize this, the world become very kind.” ~ Byron Katie
I find my own “yes” and “no” and so does everyone else. What they want is kind, for me. Every request and every answer is felt with trust and respect…no fear of the truth, no personal meaning.
Who would you be without the story that asking for help, and any answer you receive, is dangerous, or any kind of a problem, whatsoever?
Love, Grace