I WANT MORE FREE TIME!
I had this thought the other day as I thought about the stack on my front porch of boxes, knick-knacks, little kid bike, drum set, printers, doodads, books and “stuff” that needs to be sold, or given to charity.
That stuff needs to be gone.
What has to happen for that stuff to be gone? I need time.
I need time….so that I can clean things, continue to go through the shed of stored boxes, take photos of the good stuff, post it on the internet, actually have a “garage sale” (I used to think of these as a huge waste of time considering how much money could be made) and borrow a truck and go to the dump.
I think this would all take about 4 days, working most of the days, to be entirely complete, only stopping for food and water.
I barely have time to hang out with my own family, and they are definitely a priority.
And now that I’m thinking about it, I have quite a list of tasks that I KNOW I want to engage in….all of which take time time time.
I love looking at language about time.
Things “take” time, things “waste” time, things are time “sensitive”, I’m in a time “crunch”, I “spend” time, I’m “losing” time, I have “too much” time on my hands, I “don’t have much” time.
Funny to say all the quantity-amount words about something that is only a concept.
I mean, right now, in this moment, where is time? Do I have a bucket of it? Do I actually have four hours “left” before I teach my next class, and one hour before a client, and eight hours before a hair cut appointment, one month already gone of the gorgeous summer months of the Pacific Northwest?
Lots of measurements, all describing a limit, a known quantity, a set amount of something, a quota.
A beginning, middle and end.
Yeah! And I need MORE of it!
When I believe this thought…it can be supremely stressful.
Here is this thing called “time” and since there’s only so much, I have to go really, really, really FAST when I need more of it.
The body gets all hyped up, zippy, full of adrenaline, pushing, noticing those other “slow” people out there who are hindering my progress.
Have you noticed how your body feels when you are in your car, and you are on your way to something incredibly important?
You turn the car onto the freeway and suddenly, you are in very, very slow-moving almost-standstill traffic….
….you have a job interview, you have gotten a call that your child is at the hospital, you find out your house is on fire, your partner is going on stage in 12 minutes for opening night…
How do you react when you believe that you need more time! NOW!
The wave of tension is like a buzzing accumulation of energy. For me, it feels like some part of my self is out in front of me, my stomach is in knots, my chest can’t breathe, there is tight live-wire electric energy shooting out of my arms.
I’ve seen people yell out of their windows in traffic, or give people the finger or start commenting and talking to other drivers, swearing…angry, furious, frustrated, frightened.
Who would I be without the thought that when I see the pile on the porch, or in ANY situation (the length of my life, to give a deep example) I need more time?
What do I actually need more time FOR?
Can I absolutely know that its true that I should be somewhere other than where I am, in this moment? Is it really true that I need to have that thing completed, that I think needs to be complete?
Am I so certain that as things are right here in this moment…in traffic, walking by the pile of items that I want off the porch, looking at my calendar with appointments scheduled back-to-back, noticing that I’ve lived over fifty years so far in this lifetime…that I actually need more TIME?
No.
Who would I really be, right here in this situation where more time seems desireable, WITHOUT the thought that I need more time?
Without the thought….I feel an empty space, a relaxing space, glow from within. I lean back, I sit back, I breathe deeply.
If I’m in a car, other drivers appear fascinating. I see colors, hear sounds, I look up into the sky. I notice things everywhere all around me.
I feel like laughing. There is a lightness of nothing really mattering.
It doesn’t mean I won’t do anything, in fact it sounds fun to move stuff from porch to other places soon, but it doesn’t really matter exactly when that happens.
My to-do list looks much more fun.
I notice I love working with clients…my favorite. I love teaching. I love being alive. I love doing inquiry. I love watching, looking, investigating reality.
I am amazed by the world moving before me, an epic movie of amazing proportions.
“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
If I don’t make it to the hospital bedside on time, if I don’t make it to the applause opening moment of the Big Show, if I’m late to the interview, if I walk in to a meeting that already began, if the pile of stuff is on the porch for “x” days….how would I know that isn’t perfect?
Can I be open to finding advantages, benefits, sweetness…for things happening in just the order they’ve happened?
What if there is always enough time?
Perhaps the more I stop believing that I need more time, the more joy I experience in this present moment….the more of the most important things will get “done” when they get done, and this body will move from Point A to Point B in just the right timing and order.
Even dying right on time.
“Patience is the training in abiding with the restlessness of our energy and letting things evolve at their own speed”….”In truth, there is enormous space in which to live our everyday lives.” ~ Pema Chodron
Love, Grace
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