Hello Dear Inquirers,
Several people have written to me about teenagers, inspired by my recent posts. Pre-teens as well. Why do they act that way? Why so dramatic? Why so short-tempered, or irritable, or rude? Have you done the work with teenagers?
Teenagers may have a reputation for “acting out” but really, perhaps they have some important reason for being so hostile. They may have something incredible to say. They also may be able to be less complicated, and catch on quickly to new ways of looking at something.
I have not done The Work often with my amazing children. But they see the benefits of their mother questioning her thoughts about them, I can guarantee it.
There was, however, one amazing moment where my children were fighting, and The Work sprang forward as the thing to do, right there on the spot.
My son, the older sibling, was saying something under his breath that my daughter (who admires her older brother) was perceiving as mean.
As usual, my son’s voice was quiet, I couldn’t hear the content. Then my daughter screamed “that is SO MEAN! I hate you!” at her brother.
I think he may have chuckled or scoffed. It wasn’t taken favorably, it seemed to incite the rage already present in my daughter.
Of course, there I was noticing from the other corner of the room my thoughts talking to me: they shouldn’t fight, here we go again, I must stop this, the noise of screaming is horrible, I don’t know what to do…
But somehow, in that moment, I remained in the seat of the observer, like the Work was working me and I wasn’t believing these thoughts…everything happening at once, but seeing a broader view of it all.
When there was a moment of red hot, angry silence, I said to my daughter: “what are you thinking right now that is really bugging you?”
In an angry voice, with her eyes burrowing like lazer beams into her brother, she pointed at him and said “he HATES me!”
I asked her then “Is that absolutely true, are you positive?”
“YES!!!!!!!!”
“You want to do The Work questions?”
“NO!!!!!!!!!”
Then my son said “I’ll do The Work!”
“Well, what are you thinking right now about your sister?!” My son replied “she is so irritating”.
My daughter hit her hands on the table. But stayed seated near her brother. I could tell something was OK about all this…at least I thought so. She wasn’t crying. She didn’t storm out.
“Is it true that your sister is irritating?”
Pause. “Well….not all the time.”
My daughter leaned back in her chair, not so on edge, defensive, ready to pounce.
“What would it be like right now if you didn’t have that thought that she is irritating?”
“I guess everything would be cool….but I HAVE the thought, so I’m not even sure. Calmer I guess. Maybe.” My daughter unfolded her arms. She was very interested in listening. All ears.
“What is the opposite of your thought, the complete opposite?”
“She is not irritating. She’s cool.”
“Can you find an example of how that is true, even right now perhaps?”
As my son found the examples, and then found another turnaround that HE is irritating, both kids burst out laughing. The whole thing was 10 minutes.
I couldn’t have planned it that way.
It seemed like they went from zero to LOVE and humor in 10 minutes. A wonderful example of the beautiful world of strong, intense, dramatic teenage thinking, for me.
Much love,
Grace
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.