Month: May 2016

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Whose business are you in? If it’s not your own, you’re lonely.

This weekend the 3 day (we include all day Friday) annual Spring Retreat has been underway.

This retreat, like all of them, is a council of wise folks gathering to contemplate reality, to investigate stories that feel painful, to dig in to uncover hidden stressful beliefs….and of course take them through inquiry.

On Saturday night, it seems our tradition on these 3-day retreats in The Work is to have potluck dinner together.

I looked around the huge grand kitchen table at one point during the meal, after our inquiry together for two days, and was so inspired by the beauty, sharing, joy, and great love I felt for each and every person present.

I haven’t always felt connected to everything and everyone in my environment.

I usually felt DIS-connected from everything and everyone, to be honest.

Even though, as I felt the dis-connection and alienation from everyone and everything, and felt very separate from just about everyone and everything…..

…..I was also wondering constantly what everyone and everything was thinking, doing, and feeling, and hoping no one would be mean to me or hurt me, or that nothing horrible would happen.

My general thought was that people are a bit scary, and the world was definitely full of frightening possibilities. You had to be careful.

There is a principle Byron Katie shares fairly often when facilitating people in their work. The “Whose Business?” Principle.

She’ll ask the question as someone explores a situation: “Whose business are you in?”

There are three choices for your answer:

1) I’m in my own business

2) I’m in someone else’s business (and it’s not my business)

3) I’m in God’s business (also not my business)

So for example….I have a stressful belief that my child should not have broken his wrist.

I wasn’t there when he did, I rushed to the hospital emergency room.

My heart is racing, I’m terrified, I’m worried about him, I believe he needs his mom ASAP. I’m driving like a maniac, my hands gripping the wheel.

Whose business am I in?

My child’s business.

His life included a broken wrist….(twice). His reality appears to involve broken wrists, and I notice he hasn’t been all that upset, he’s felt well-cared for, and his life is completely OK despite these broken bones and incidents. They’ve mended. He’s fine.

When I’m freaking out, and my wrists are perfectly healthy, I’m in his business emotionally. I’m over there, worrying about him and imagining he’s suffering terribly, and no one is home with me driving safely on the road to him at the hospital. I abandoned myself to spend time in his business, sweating bullets instead of clearly and calmly doing what needs to be done without more added stress (like a potential speeding ticket).

What is God’s business?

Earthquakes, typhoons, day time, night time, sun, moon, rock, tree, wrists getting mended, the body doing what it does, death, birth, clouds, aging, plants, the whole of reality.

When I’m in God’s business, the same results occur as when I’m in my kid’s business.

I’m lonely. No one here with me. Upset with God. Putting a lot of suggestions in the Suggestion Box, and they don’t seem to be getting answered, either. (God is so remote sometimes, jeez).

Being in my business is the only sane position, the only principle that actually works. The most stress-free position.

Being in my own business, I’m seated here in my own life, feeling the force of being here now, surrendered to what is NOT my business.

Not lonely.

I looked around on Saturday night, sitting at a table with fascinating, interesting, beautiful people who are all very interested in questioning their stressful thinking and waking up to whatever is really true for themselves. I smile with the joy of it all. I feel very much a part of the group, the life force all buzzing together, sharing together. I am not lonely. I’m so fascinated by everything in this room, and every person.

But here’s the funny thing….the more I do The Work and question what I fear, what I’m against, what I dislike, how I am separate, all the stressful thoughts…..

…..the more I find that I’m not even sure there is ANY business I can actually truly, freely, be in. Not even “my” own.

What if every single thing I could encounter in my life is the business of something that is not purely all me? What if nothing is my business?

Just saying.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Next 3 Day Retreat Sept 16-18, 2016. Kenmore, WA.

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Mentors have made a huge difference in my life….for the better

laddertosuccess
Does it seem impossible to “get there” to peace in divorce, or peace in business? Question your thinking.

A woman I greatly admire is the late Debbie Ford, author of many books, and so passionate about opening herself up to an expanding life. The first book I read by her was Spiritual Divorce.

I read it because I was going through one.

Reading that book, and doing The Work, changed everything for me about what I was experiencing.

I could see myself in her.

She had gone through divorce. She had come out even better. She had not only made it through, but transformed into a new person.

Two big reasons why Spiritual Divorce saved my sanity stood out.

First, to call divorce “spiritual” was a fantastic turnaround. I was only a baby in The Work and had experienced so much inner suffering around loss, fear, and transitions like divorce….it was inspiring to read of someone else putting on a new pair of glasses about something I thought of as terrible, like divorce.

Second, Debbie suggested when I judge someone, or even have a quick immediate response that feels uncomfortable, I’m probably seeing something inside of me I’d rather not see.

In other words….I’m projecting.

When I meet or think of someone and I think “ewwww, gross” or “that’s disgusting” or “he is awful, selfish, uncaring” or “she is rude, passive, needy”….

….I could be rejecting something Debbie called the “shadow side” of myself. I’m looking at that other person and seeing with judgment and rejection and alarm.

My mind is saying “Never Be Like That!” as I look at this other troubling person.

Byron Katie would call your awareness of this projection aturnaround. What I dislike in you, I dislike in me.

Well….I have another area of life where in the past I felt lost, depressed, inadequate and like a failure.

Making a living.

Ugh.

Why didn’t I go to medical school? Why did I have to be such a nervous wreck once I hit my twenties and young adult-hood? Why couldn’t I work at a good company and stay there? And what about me running my own business now….can I even make it on my own?

One thing that’s been incredible, is to notice who I think of as successful, who I feel has made it, who is earning a good living, who has a respectful career, who’s doing “well”….

….and inquire into what’s really true.

What do I think they have, that I don’t?

Believe me. This was several (cough…tons) of worksheets.

Thoughts constantly surfaced as I offered my services whenever I was not directly working with people (working with people I felt good, clear and like I was following my calling). Doing all the promotional stuff, sharing my wares, spreading the word, doing speaking engagements. Yuck!

Thoughts like “I can’t talk to those people”, “I don’t have what it takes”, “they’re better than me”, “they know more”, “I’m a dork when it comes to business”, “people won’t like me”.

And if someone suggested to me I do something like share yourself honestly or talk about money openly, I thought “I can’t, I won’t, that’s embarrassing!”

Well….I’m still not entirely comfortable with the whole business, earning, money, work ethic, success story, to be honest, but I just had to share with you today that I have another mentor/coach who I’ve also learned some valuable things from, just like Debbie.

I mentioned her last weekend….Selena Soo. But here’s why I’m speaking of her again. She interviewed me after I worked with her for a year, and I just got the link.

(You can watch by clicking HERE even though the shy introverted part of me can hardly believe I’m sharing this publicly. My first professional on-camera interview, I was very honored).

This is really, truly a miraculous thing. That I would be interviewed because of my business success. Woah.

A couple of years ago, when I connected and started working with Selena, I actually began to become one of those people I always admired when it came to this definition of “success”. One of the reasons why was because Selena said she was introverted, too, and I could see it was true AND see that she was succeeding and helping people. The gap wasn’t so wide between me and her.

I could see myself in her.

Money was important and valuable, but Serving Others was what was most important about having a business or doing work in the world.

As you know, when we do The Work and question our thoughts, the place we immediately go is to our stressful beliefs. The ones we’re thinking when we feel unhappy, when we feel dread, sadness, anger or suffering.

But what I discovered along the way, especially in the business world, was that when I admired and saw someone successful and rockin’ it, it was almost always just as difficult as seeing someone as bad, wrong or unacceptable.

I know this sounds weird, but my view of myself was sometimes diminished when I saw someone as brilliant, fantastic, genius, “arrived”. They are. I’m not.

Whooo Boy. It was such a weird awakening to realize thatcomparison, even to someone I admire, was stressful.

I’ll never forget going to a huge conference for business owners, before I worked with Selena (I met her there), and being surrounded by some people who said they made $1,000,000 per month in their businesses.

WHAT??!

There were huge fancy dinners and super loud music and people hootin’ and hollerin’ and clapping, people drinking and giving high-fives and laughing and spending. And I was staying “secretly” down the road at a Motel 6.

I was NOT COMFORTABLE.

Classes and programs, coaching and groups are certainly not for everyone, and no one has to sign up for anything. I say this when people are disappointed they can’t go to The School for The Work.

But one way I’ve loved living my turnarounds is to joyfully learn from whoever I can about anything I love and just be the one who is a total beginner, with an open mind, capable of getting something new and different. I’ve loved being in so many amazing programs of education, including ones about business and money, sharing, giving, receiving, paying, charging, marketing, writing, speaking.

Today I’m passing along the encouragement, if this business is something you’d like training in, to sign up for Selena’s webinar this next week or watch my video interview above. The reason I’m sending it now is because she’s getting ready to run her group program again, the same one I took, called Get Known Get Clients. If you’re interested, you can register for her webinar (completely free) here.

And when I did The Work on that big fancy high-flying-numbers business conference I had a profound insight.

It was a very difficult experience, very intense emotionally…..

…..but I found within myself a best friend (moi) and a friendliness to the wealthy, creative, innovative, successful people of the business world who I had always judged so harshly.

I discovered I was keeping my awesomeness from THEM. I was being selfish and greedy, and creating separation with my very thinking.

Most of all, I was disconnecting from myself, being so sure I didn’t belong in their club.

“I know now when I walk in a room that everyone loves me. They just don’t realize it yet.” ~ Byron Katie

Can you imagine feeling this way 24/7? That you’re the cutest thing ever, and you’ll never leave your side, and you adore being you?

What I know to do is when I don’t…..The Work.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Breitenbush has 7 spots before we’re full and it is such a fabulous time in a gorgeous pristine forest with a tradition of hosting brilliant and wonderful people like Ram Dass. I’d adore you joining me, whether you’re wanting to work on money, success, career, neighbor, mom, dad, sibling, child, body, addiction. We dig down into our stories, the ones that when we believe them, we suffer. Doing The Work together is, quite honestly (for me and for many), nothing like doing The Work on your own. Hit reply if you have questions, about anything Breitenbush. June 22 evening through Sunday June 26 lunch.

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If you think there’s a problem….question it (unless you want to suffer)

danglingcarrot
When I have that, or experience that, I’ll be happy….But what if all weather is beautiful. Even the rain. Or the dry desert.

I love when people write and ask me to comment or do The Work on a topic.

Recently, a woman shared about her desire to have kids….

….and how she’s felt disappointed about not being pregnant (yet).

The life of trying and waiting and dreaming of pregnancy and kids, but not having your dream come true, at least not now.

She asked a great question: how do I do The Work on “I am not pregnant”?

I love questioning the basic facts and seeing what happens. Often, these fact type concepts or sentences come out right when we’re answering the Question #1 on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, the place where we find out what we’re thinking first–before we even apply The Work of Byron Katie.

Question #1 in a nutshell is “WHY are you upset?!”

You get to write down, filling in the prompts, “I am (name the troubling feeling) with (name the person, or the thing, or the condition) because (say why).

So if you were someone trying to achieve something, or get to a goal, or have something….and you don’t have it, you would write just like the inquirer did so simply and beautifully: I am upset because I am not pregnant.

You may have something you’re upset, or disappointed, or sad about that you want, you’re pretty sure you can get there, but it’s not happening yet.

  • I am disappointed I don’t have a nice place to live
  • I am angry I didn’t get that job
  • I am sad because I haven’t been published
  • I am scared because I’m not married, or in a relationship
  • I am not healthy, or beautiful, or rich
  • I am upset because I’m not spiritually enlightened
I want it to be this other way, and I have a very vivid picture of what it will look like and how possible it is, and I’m not experiencing it right now.

 

Aaargh. Boo. Ugh.

 

Let’s take a look!

 

I’m not pregnant. (You can fill in your own condition. I’m not rich. I’m not employed. I’m not living in a house. I’m not married. I’m not enlightened. I’m not thin.)

 

Is it true?

 

You might have an obvious immediate “yes”.

 

Duh.

 

It’s interesting then to wonder if it’s absolutely true? You may still have a “YES THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!” In this moment, in this situation, it is true. I am without that other condition at the moment.

 

How do you react when you believe this thought?

 

Here’s where it gets juicy.

 

If something feels really threatening about Not Having That Other Thing, then with this belief, you may feel terrible.

 

I’ve thought this about money before.

 

I don’t have it, I need it (desperately perhaps). I’ve worked so hard, I’m doing everything I know how to do. Why won’t the universe reward my efforts?

 

I notice, with the belief, I feel demanding, or worthless, or like I’m doing something wrong. I work HARDER. I’m exhausted. I’ve felt this with the struggle and search for awakening. I’m not even sure what awakening is, I’ve read volumes of books about it. I’m not even sure now why I wanted it, or if it’s true something isn’t awakened here. In fact, it seems there is.

 

With the thought “I’m not pregnant” I can imagine the very same kind of reaction. I’ll be a failure if this doesn’t happen. Not being THAT (pregnant) will mean my life isn’t good. I’ll be missing out. I’ll be left out. It’s not fair. I did it wrong. I’m doing something wrong right now. I’m frustrated.

 

The way it is right now isn’t good enough. That other way is the best way (with pregnancy, with a baby, in a future life with offspring).

 

But who would you be without this thought?

 

Are you sure what you’re imagining is better than what’s happening right now?

 

I notice when I think a condition I’m dreaming of hasn’t happened yet, and I feel the stress of the belief running through me that it should, then this present moment isn’t that fun.

 

So who would you really be without this thought entering your mind about The Thing?

 

You mean? Wait a sec.

 

No thought that I am not wealthy? Or not healthy? (Wow, like what if I think I’m sick…and then notice what it’s like without THAT thought)? No thought that I’m NOT there yet? No thought that I’m minus something in this moment, even though my mind can imagine the other condition?

 

Yes, who would you be right here, right now, without the belief you are not “x”?

 

It feels sort of spacious, actually. Entering the unknown. More fascinated with what’s going on here, in my life now. Noticing how very well things are, even as they change and move and morph to the next thing.

 

Without the thought, comparison dissolves away. I don’t see other pregnant people (or wealthy, thin, successful, whatever it is) and feel jealous. I feel excited, here. I’m in my own life, now.

 

Can you feel in your whole body what it’s like without the belief you aren’t something (that you wish you were)?

 

It doesn’t mean you have to give up all your dreams.

 

But it occurs to me, it might be a lot more fun heading towards the dream with this fun, unknown, lets-see-what-happens feeling, open to many possibilities, than it would be to head towards a dream full of anger, frustration, disappointment or sadness.

 

What if you turned the thought around?

 

I AM pregnant, I am healthy, I am famous, I am employed, I am thin, I am living in a home, I am wealthy, I am published, I am enlightened, I am successful, I am in love.

 

This turnaround is not in any way about denial, or going bonkers.

 

It’s simply noticing the qualities of this condition you believe you want, and finding examples of it being here in the present, if you can.

 

How could it be that I am pregnant?

 

(And, I know I’m not in the physical human way–I’m 55 and won’t ever be pregnant again in this lifetime, actually, at least I’m pretty sure that’s true, but I’m open).

 

I can, however, find examples of how I do feel pregnant.

 

Pregnant means, in the dictionary “expectant, charged with, abounding in, meaningful, significant, suggestive, carrying, heavy, full”.

 

Where are these qualities present, right now, in my life?

 

In my life, I am writing a book. I have been growing, and holding, and carrying with joy and fullness and sometimes–heaviness–a beautiful business working with people, in service. Things are ever being born–new groups, new classes, new articles, new interviews.

 

I turn it around again this way: YAY! I’m not pregnant!

 

It’s called the YAYHOO turnaround (that’s what I call it). Kinda goofy, but instead of saying….oh terrible I am not this thing….instead say oh fabulous I am not this thing!

 

And just see what might be nice about not being that. The other day, for example, in Year of Inquiry someone realized in a very similar turnaround to this one that it was fantastic she wasn’t famous. She didn’t want people to bother her everywhere she went. There were advantages, such great advantages, to having a wonderful, simple life.

 

I can find advantages to not being pregnant with a baby. No sleepless nights. No changing diapers. No swollen body. No doctor visits. No anticipation of the birth. No nausea. No need to buy a car seat.

 

I can love the future vision, and be thrilled with the sweetness of what I imagine about pregnancy, birth, having kids….but I can also see how right now, in this moment, nothing more is required. Being here on planet earth is pretty fine. Now.

 

If I am open to the universe being fully supportive of me, and see the world and life as giving, giving, giving to me everything I need in order to wake up….

 

….then I trust reality. I’m open to what’s going on. I even accept that something greater than me (or my mind) might know what’s best.

 

(It doesn’t mean I have to drop the dream).

“You don’t have one of those bumper stickers that says I’d Rather Be Sailing, I’d Rather Be Mountain Climbing. No!! I’d rather…Not Be Rathering! I’d rather be here doing what I’m doing. I’d rather be here experiencing the moment in its entirety so I can be enjoying my life…..The joy you feel in getting what you want, is the joy available all the time, when the mind shuts up.” ~ Michael Singer in a talk on Desire

Woah. You mean, I could have the joy I think I would have, if I had that Other Condition, or Thing, or Person…..right now, with what is?

Yes.

Much love,

Grace

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Is anyone holding you back?

sad
question the story of he HURT me

My favorite! The Worst That Could Happen! (Little joke). Listen to Peace Talk Episode 111, a little 7 minute podcast: Click HERE.

Last minute spot for 3 Day Spring Into Freedom Retreat. This coming Friday 9:30 am – 5:30 pm, Saturday 9:30-5:30 (plus optional potluck with the group followed by movie night), Sunday 9:30-4:30 pm. We quite simply do The Work on our stressful situations, together. It’s awesome. 20 CEUs for mental health professionals.

There’s something very special about getting together with people interested in questioning their belief systems.

Stunning, really.

Just a few days ago the monthly private inquiry group met for Sunday afternoon 3-6 pm gathering in Seattle at my house (known as Goldilocks Cottage).

Despite it being Mother’s Day, just about everyone in the group could make it. Some members have children, but everyone there was mother to their own life journey, that’s for sure.

There’s nothing better I love doing to celebrate motherhood than sit to take a look, with The Work, at my internal thought process.

As people read their worksheets aloud, I heard a common theme you might also find familiar.

It’s called: worry about not being connected, being abandoned, being forgotten, being left, rejected…..

…..or the reverse: worry about hurting someone else by walking away, abandoning them, rejecting them, forgetting them.

Either way, hurt is happening.

I started our group off by suggesting we look at the belief in abandonment or parting ways, and the story we attach to it that brings on such suffering.

We wound up spending the entire group investigating this one concept, in its various forms.

I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

I can’t say “no” or break up or change, shift or leave a relationship because…..the other person will be devastated (or clingy, needy, unhappy, angry).

They can’t say “no” to me or break up, leave, shift, make changes because I will be devastated (or surprised, nervous, depressed, feeling bad).

Bottom Line: People can hurt each other by coming and going. 

Oh boy! Time to do The Work.

Find a place in your life where you really thought you were either, a) hurting someone else because you said Goodbye, or b) they were hurting you by saying Goodbye.

You may have several moments to choose from!

But pick only one.

Picture the leave-er or the left. The “leave-er” is the one doing the leaving, apparently. The “left” is the one holding still, in a manner of speaking, while the other one does the walking.

It doesn’t matter who takes on which role. Do you still notice you believe one person is hurting the other? This belief that “hurt” is happening is going on even when you hear about other people and their relationships. Oh no, so-and-so broke up! OMG, their marriage of 20 years is over! Oh my, he is so awful, she is so mean.

Whew. It’s an old, ancient belief to feel someone is hurting, and very worthy of giving attention to through inquiring deeply.

Now….look at the one who is hurt.

I usually think of this one as the left one, the abandoned one, the one who is rejected (or feels that way), the one who is hearing the Goodbye. The one who is watching the other person walk away.

Pause the “play” button right there.

The person being left is hurt. 

It could be you, it could be the other.

Is it true?

OMG, when I was once “left” I felt immediately worthy-of-being-left. It must mean that, right? I felt abandoned, lost, hopeless, needy, small, shocked, wrecked, shattered.

But was it actually TRUE that I was “left”? Like 100% altogether alone floating through outer space without anyone in sight, or whatever ultimate abandonment might be?

Was God indeed completely absent? Was connection somewhere else, but not there in my presence, as I sat in my living room quietly alone?

Whew. No. I really couldn’t find it to be true. I was sitting in a cute adorable cottage with tons of books (my favorite thing ever) and no place I needed to go.

I noticed, I was not hurt physically in any way. I was doing very well, in fact. Except for my thoughts, I was getting what I often longed for….silence and peace and quiet.

How did I react when I believed it hurt?

Crushed. Unable to sleep well.

Who would I be without this belief that the person being left is hurt?

Huh.

Woah.

Weird. Not sure at first.

Great question, though.

Who would I be without the belief I was hurt (by that person breaking up with me)?

Laughing. Out. Loud.

I mean, the whole thing is funny now. It’s been awhile. I know it wasn’t funny then. So even if you’re in a new transition, and you’ve felt really unhappy by the change….can you find what it would feel like to NOT have the thought that you’re hurt? Or someone else is hurt?

It feels strange, but interesting. Neutral instead of intense. Curious. Interesting. Different pictures come to mind, instead of the dreaded ones, about the future. Wondering what could be next?

Turning the belief around: no one is hurt. 

What?!?

Well, I see how physically no one is hurt at all. This is important to notice. It makes me realize I’m having a heart attack over something frightening that’s got nothing to do with body survival.

What about the turnaround that no one is hurt in any way? Wow.

Even if they’re feeling the emotional pain?

Well….from this moment now, way in the future after a very tough break up….I realize I was set free, not abandoned. I was offered the pathway to something incredible, and different. A freedom to be me, without all that heavy attachment. Without thinking I was so needy, desperate, grabbing.

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

You mean, I don’t demand someone stay with me, in order to make me happy? Or that I stay with them, in order to be happy?

Ha-ha.

Right.

That would be hilarious.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I just got word Breitenbush is filling fast! This is the super incredible life-affirming 4 day annual summer retreat where you are out of cell phone range, internet service, you eat gorgeous fresh delicious yummy food, soak in hotsprings, hike in deep old growth forest….and every day with a lively and beautiful bunch of folks you do The Work. June 22-26. We explore wonderful (and stressful) things at Breitenbush. You can relax your body, mind and spirit like no other. Click HERE to read all about it, or to call Breitenbush to reserve your space.

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I used to teach this differently….and it was not that great

eatingemotions
Eating Agony can turn into Eating Peace….you have what it takes to quit hurting yourself with your thinking, with your eating, and change your life

The first Eating Peace course I taught was in 2010, six years ago.

I can raise my hand and say with all honesty, even though some people benefitted, I was a total beginner and it wasn’t anywhere near as good and clear as the program is now.

Ugh.

It was not actually called Eating Peace back then. It was called “Too Much Not Enough”….because what I had found in my own recovery from horrible eating was that the way I ate had to do with what I was thinking.

What I was thinking was…..there was Too Much of something OR Not Enough of something in my reality, in my world.

Or both. Usually, both.

Too Much of something right in the very moment I was eating, or wanting to eat, when I wasn’t hungry. And Not Enough of something in the very same moment.

It’s like some kind of centered internal balance was GONE. Vaporized. The pendulum was swinging out of whack.

Too Much of what, or Not Enough of WHAT….you might be asking?

A most excellent and brilliant question.

What I believed was Too Much was most often the following:

big feelings, pressure, requests from others, too many demands, advice, danger, threat, boredom, disappointment, rebellion. The biggest feelings I had the worst time dealing with were anger and fear and every variation of either one (anxiety, nerves, rage, irritation).

What I believed was Not Enough in situations where I found myself eating when not hungry were the following:

my ability to stop the cycle, my capacity to love myself, receiving unconditional love from anyone, not enough time, not enough genuine attention, not enough kindness or forgiveness, not enough willingness to let something go. The feelings I felt most unhappy with that there weren’t enough of were love and acceptance.

My whole entire view of reality was it was flawed….and unfortunately so was I. Something was missing (Not Enough) or something was present that shouldn’t be (Too Much).

One of the best ways you can begin to explore your inner world (and get ready to be shocked by how this actually affects your eating–for the better) is to honestly examine your mind.

People believe they need a mate, money, time, kindness, a bigger house, a better job, world peace, no war…..in order to be truly happy.

People believe they must eliminate sadness, poverty, violence, and their own qualities of not-enoughness in order to be truly happy.

What I know is, if you’re waiting for life to be perfectly in balance according to your definition of Just Right….

….you’ll be waiting forever.

When I ate because I was angry, terrified, bored or hurting….I didn’t have the conscious thoughts “here’s what I think is too much for me right now, or not enough of right now”.

I just started eating. The belief sped by under the surface, and I quick started eating before I could see it. My feelings ruled everything, they were wild and frightening and very big.

The only way I’ve found to get started on unraveling this deep level of how I feel about life, and how this affects the way I ate, was to start by identifying the thoughts running in my mind—the stressful, troubling, harsh ones I felt about life.

We start to do this in the Eating Peace Core TeleClass.

And like I said, after six years teaching eating peace and the improvements I’ve made, and experience I’ve had along the way working with others, I am better at working and guiding people now than I was six years ago when I first wanted to share recovery with the world.

I’ve heard the same kinds of thoughts over and over again by working with many people, and I recognize the similarities those of us who eat off-balance have about food, eating and the body.

Sure, there are variations. Some people have never been super heavy in weight because they’ve vomited or over-exercised. Some people have under-eaten most of their lives and felt extreme tension around food. Some people have been chronically overweight or even obese, or yo-yo’d up and and down and been on a thousand diets.

But even if the symptoms and the appearance looks different, they are all sides of the same coin.

The coin that says “something is wrong with reality here”. There’s too much, or not enough. I can’t handle this. I’m too scared. I’m too angry. Life is too hard.

I call the Eating Peace Core TeleClass the “core” teleclass because we dive into the basic first-level beliefs most of us carry who have eaten weirdly.

When I first started out teaching, I wanted so badly for everyone to find relief and freedom, I hardly talked about myself. I didn’t share what I really thought when someone was struggling, even though I had lots of experience. We needed to question reality, after all….this wasn’t about the food! But it was jumping over too big a canyon, and people didn’t get what I was talking about.

Wait, isn’t this about eating?

I learned along the way to move back and forth between questions of life, and questions about eating, and to listen very closely with every group and class for the unique flavors and concerns of every person present. I learned that it was never the same, but it was helpful to present the patterns I saw come forward, and share these with everyone, every time.

So, that’s what we do in this Eating Peace Core Teleclass. I’m sharing with you what I found very helpful to begin with on my road to recovery, and how to practice it in an ongoing way.

For the first two weeks (Module One) we look at our relationship to the food/eating/diet plan. Everyone shares theirs with me. We dialogue back and forth about it. You will make a commitment to explore why you eat too much when you do, or why you eat too little when you do. What takes you out of a peaceful, balanced, normal way of eating?

Weeks 3 and 4 (Module Two) we identify our judgments about bodies. This is fascinating, to write what we think about someone’s body who is “overweight” and what we think about “perfect” bodies. Where did you learn how to see this way? Finding out brings huge ah-ha’s and insight for many.

During weeks 5 and 6 (Module Three) we remember moments of eating with our family of origin. What was it like when we were young, with mom and dad, or other huge influencers in our lives? What did these people say, or model, about eating or reasons to eat?

Finally the last two weeks (Module Four) we get to really sink into what we think there’s too much of in our lives, and not enough of in our lives. What’s missing, what’s overwhelming? We get to make a list and see what our thought-system holds.

Only by identifying clearly all our beliefs can we take them to inquiry and actually QUESTION them. When we question our thinking, we can change our vision, and change our eating, and change our lives.

Everyone who takes Eating Peace Core Teleclass will get weekly exercises and then we’ll go through the actual inquiry process on our live phone calls using The Work of Byron Katie. You’ll know how to begin working with your eating in your daily life, and begin the journey of the road home to eating peace.

Peace means never eating so much you hurt yourself, and never eating so little you hurt yourself.

This Eating Peace Core Teleclass will be the last until the fall. We meet Mondays 5:30 – 7:00 pm Pacific Time for 8 weeks beginning tomorrow, May 9th. Room for 2 more people. Please write to me if you really want to enroll, but you can’t afford the fee ($395). It’s my privilege to help everyone who suffers from eating battles, food fears, body hatred and criticism, to question their beliefs and change their eating.

This course is also excellent for those wanting this support, but not ready to take the full Eating Peace Online TeleProgram offered for the past two winters. This long course, covering more than 3 months together from November through February, is a very comprehensive practice combining the best practices and spiritual principles of a mindful, feeling-full, peaceful life with food. It’s a program of transformation and everyone who joins Eating Peace Online gets access to life, so no matter where you are in your journey….you can take the time you need to come home.

Join this 8 week class by clicking the link here: Eating Peace Core teleclass.

Much love, Grace

 

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Being human means you belong, you participate, you share–special grace note for business people

speak, write, live, announce, share.... the invitation to people in business
speak, write, live, announce, share…. the invitation to people in business or those with a message for the world

I almost never talk about business-y things. As in, the help I’ve gotten to grow my own private practice.

I knew absolutely nothing about growing a business, getting clients, sharing my message, marketing. I really hated the concept of “selling” and had to find another more natural way, even after doing The Work and questioning my very stressful beliefs many times on money, income, marketing, business tech, posting, offering programs, teaching retreats, having enough clients.

I soooo wanted, with the deepest integrity, to be someone who offered services based on attraction rather than promotion (just like the approach of 12 Step programs). But even if you operate this way, with attraction as your stand, you must share with other people!

For an introverted person like me, who is content to be quiet all day long, I had a little inner work to do.

So for this weekend Grace Note….I wanted to share something I usually don’t, in case you’re interested in learning and growing in the area of business.

One of my mentors. Introducing….Selena Soo.

I’ve been working with Selena behind the scenes and she’s helped me to grow my business in a big beautiful way. And I believe she’s one of the best at what she does.

Selena’s giving away some really good material that shares the strategies, and steps she’s been teaching me.

I know I don’t normally talk about business resources, but if this is something you’re interested in learning about, here’s a link to a free report about how Selena went from $0 to $157,000 in her first year as a coach. This was definitely NOT my experience when I first opened my business and began working with people. I think I made about $1000 my first year (fortunately, I had a regular job at the same time, so I wouldn’t starve to death).

Like I said, I had a lot to learn.

Not only does Selena have the report she’s offering, she also has a video training on how she became friends with influential people, VIPs, and big deal entrepreneurs. One of the things I love the most about her style is that she describes herself as quite introverted….which is certainly me, too.

But if you’re running a business or growing a private practice, by it’s very nature you must share with others openly, connect with people, speak of your work and enjoy it when others also share your work with people they know.

I’ve learned to do this through Selena’s encouragement, and to find my own way with sharing, extroversion, and what this world calls marketing and promoting and quite simply, expanding your reach and your message and service in the world.

If you want to sign up for either Selena’s free report, or her video training, then click here and enjoy. These are offered for no fee.

Free Report: How Selena Went From $0 to $157,000 in Her First Year As a Coach

Free Video Training: “Get VIP Access to Media, Influencers, and Online Stars.”

“You are forgiven for your happiness and your successes only if you generously consent to share them.” ~ Albert Camus

“Ubuntu is very difficult to render into a Western language. It speaks of the very essence of being human. When we want to give high praise to someone we say, “Yu, u nobuntu” or “Hey, so-and-so has ubuntu.” Then you are generous, you are hospitable, you are friendly and caring and compassionate. You share what you have. It is to say, “My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours.” We belong in a bundle of life. We say, “A person is a person through other persons.” It is not, “I think therefore I am.” It says rather: “I am human because I belong. I participate, I share.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Much love,

Grace

P.S. TODAY in Seattle 2-4 pm: MEETUP in person at Goldilocks Cottage. Bring your thoughts about money, work, eating, people in your life who disturb you, your stresses about life. Beginners to experienced in The Work of Byron Katie all welcome.

Meetups are drop-in groups I offer monthly to share The Work. I just began offering an ONLINE meetup on the first Tuesday of the month at 7:45 AM Pacific Time, too. To get notices about all meetups, including the online monthly meetup, click HERE. Let’s do The Work!

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Imagination without investigation = h – e – double hockey sticks

imagination without investigation feels like Hell
imagination without investigation feels like Hell

In our Year of Inquiry group, this month we’re looking at The Worst That Could Happen.

Nice and cheery. (Ha ha).

But here’s the thing. Doing The Work on events we’ve found terrible, tragic, horrifying, difficult….seems to expand the mind to include not only the sense of being shattered (no denial of the event in other words) but MORE than only this.

How does that work, being shattered and yet alive, even whole?

It’s the strange paradox of life apparently, part of the duality everyone is speaking about.

(I don’t think of duality as a terrible thing, by the way, and like we all must get to NON-dual ASAP, or else….)

When our Year of Inquiry group is investigating terrible tragedy, or frightening images and visions (the worst that could happen) we notice there’s a never-ending supply of ideas the mind can come up with.

That’s not what this work is about….accumulating scary pictures and scaring ourselves with them, like watching horror movies on purpose.

What this exercise is about, for me, is addressing fear, and noticing what’s actually really true.

Almost every time I’ve considered something “horrifying” or a really bad terrible experience, it’s not as bad as I thought.

Long ago, I was driving on a long road trip with my former husband.

We were in the very last week of our 3 month adventure, driving through tall yellow wheat fields in California on a small blue highway. Rounding a corner in the late afternoon/early evening sun, we saw a truck turned up on its side, and two bodies lying on the earth some distance from the truck.

We stopped.

The bodies were moving. Everything came into consciousness very fast.

Woman, bloody head, turning from side to back, calling out. Small boy, no blood, lying face down quite a few feet away. We’re both jumping out of the car, doors slam, I run to woman, he runs to boy. High alert. Woman talking, moaning, drunk. Boy shaken opening eyes. My husband getting a blanket, boy standing up, lots of blood coming out of a big cut in woman’s forehead.

Two other cars stopping on the road. Someone shouting they’re going back to store to call 911. This was before anyone had a cell phone (1990). I stay with mother of the boy, holding her hand which she’s squeezing, trying to keep a towel on her bloody head and it’s not working well since she’s moving around, worried about her boy, not thinking clearly. Her leg is in a crazy twisted position and must be broken.

In the dusk, a helicopter. First aid men running. We can leave now.

Back in the car, everything was back to normal motion.

Can you believe that happened? We say to each other.

We’re far later traveling to our destination than anticipated. My sister’s place where she lives while she goes to school at Berkeley. We hear her worried voice when we stop to call and say what happened. She waits up.

We arrive at 11:00 pm. At midnight, I can’t sleep. At 1:00 am. At 2:00 am. at 3:30 am. I basically stay up all night, adrenaline coursing through me AFTER the whole thing was over. I was entirely safe. I was always entirely safe, but my mind is seriously freaking out, seeing the pictures of what happened over and over.

During the whole thing, I was waiting, calm but extremely awake. I never thought once that time was passing too slowly. I had no reference for time passing at all as we waited for help, as I held this woman’s hand and tried to stop the blood from her head and wondered if I should try to move her twisted leg and decided against it.

I can’t sleep more than 2 hours for 3 nights.

Then I start telling myself I shouldn’t be so freaked out, it didn’t even happen to me, no one died, what’s wrong with me am I too sensitive?

The truth is, that was a traumatic, sudden, surprising situation.

Often, sudden surprises like this are shocking….and they are The Worst That Could Happen.

But what I see now, from here, from doing The Work on this very situation even though it happened 26 years ago, was how everything was present there, including peace: support (the earth), first aid, me and my then-husband, a beautiful California night, my sister’s home, a quiet landscape with soft wind blowing.

Maybe it was the end of drinking for the mother, the end of her driving while drunk. Maybe it was the end of them not using seat belts.

I really don’t know what it meant in their story, all I can know is what I assumed it meant in mine. My entire psychic, physical, mental and emotional system held the belief “this is the worst, it should never happen, there is no good that can come out of this event or any event like it, the world is a dangerous place.”

Was it true?

Could I absolutely know that situation was 100% entirely dangerous, and no good could come from it?

No.

I’m here. Nothing fundamentally permanently terrible really happened, to be honest.

How did I react when I believed it was terrible, dangerous, horrifying?

Surged like an electric fence with anxiety. Repeating the event over and over and over in my head for days, then weeks, and even now I can remember it vividly.

Who would I be without the belief it was the worst that could happen, a terrible event….dangerous?

Huh? Weird.

Although I see, it’s only dangerous to my mind. This body was untouched. There were many healthy bodies all helping out. The hurt bodies of the boy and his mother appeared to be intact (not dead, that’s for sure).

What was in danger? My mind! My believing! Threatened! Scared! Panicked!

Who would I be without the thought the world is a dangerous place, as I consider that scene?

Somehow…..empty. But a good kind of empty, like a light unknowable, unknowing empty. It’s almost funny for some weird reason, right now.

Life went on. I have lived for 26 more years past that incident, and had many, many good times and awe-struck moments, and love, and peace, and awareness and difficulty and loss and clarity.

It seems we’re all here temporarily, I notice. What if this is a good thing? What if I trusted Reality?

Without the belief the world is dangerous, I notice I’m sitting at a table in a quiet living room, writing. I hear a lawn mower in the distance outside, and the refrigerator humming.

“Who or what would you be without this story? You’ve already been living the worst that could happen. Imagination without investigation. Lost in hell. No way out….But there’s not dark hole you can go into where inquiry won’t follow. Inquiry lives inside of you if you nurture it for awhile. Then it takes on its own life and automatically nurtures you. And you’re never given more pain than you can handle. You never, ever get more than you can take. That’s a promise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: what IS eating peace? should I get a food plan?

Eating Peace Core teleclass is starting next week. Mondays for 8 weeks. 5:30-7:00 pm Pacific Time.
And what IS eating peace anyway? What does it look like?
I know you understand the word “peace” and what it feels like. Peace is soft, kind, supportive, loving, empty and nourishing at the same time. It’s the absence of war.
Eating Peace is the absence of debate, argument, attack, violence or fighting with food or the act of eating. I used to fight with every thought I had about eating and my weight or my body.
What I was really fighting with, was my experience of my life and reality. I could not see much peace in reality, so there wasn’t much peace in my eating either.
Listen here as I share some of what eating peace is like, now, and can be for you, too. Everyone has this birthright. You are born able to eat peacefully.
If you’ve had questions about food plan, and getting one….there are many ways you can land on what really works for you. I share an introduction to this in the video today.
If you want to know more about the Eating Peace Core Teleclass, you can read all about it and sign up here ($395 for 8 weeks, and please write to me if you absolutely cannot afford the fee, I am always open to considering options with you, if you deeply want to participate). Click HERE to read about the course, and register (and there’s a short summary of the modules below, too).

Much love, Grace
Eating Peace Core TeleClass:
Module One: (weeks one and two) Underlying Beliefs that fuel eating off-balance and the Food Plan. Should you follow a food plan, or not? I’ll share when it’s a good idea, and when not. I’ll also share the most common underlying beliefs I’ve found that create eating havoc. You’ll send me your peaceful food plan and I’ll share mine with you.
Module Two: (weeks three and four) Judging Bodies. What are your thoughts about how you should look, or what those other people look like? What do you think of other perfect bodies? We’ll explore why we
Module Three: (weeks five and six) Who Taught You? Here we look at what we innocently learned from those around us, whether family of origin or society or both. We learn to disconnect our actions from what we thought was “truth” about eating.
Module Four: (weeks seven and eight) Peace Beyond Beliefs. We look even deeper at the underlying beliefs, including what we’re thinking there’s Not Enough or Too Much of in our lives that isn’t food.
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Are your thoughts about people (or money) a sacred religion devoted to pain?

Can't Stop Stressful Thinking? Do The Work
if you suffer from believing, you can question your thinking and change your relationships. Hell to Peace.

There’s an amazing group assembled for Relationship Hell To Heaven TeleCourse starting today 9 am Pacific. I can take 2 more people. We meet 90 minutes every Wednesday for 6 weeks. Write to me if you really want to do this, even if you don’t have the full fee and we can sort out a way you can join.

Sometimes this kind of idea….”sorting out a way you can join”….makes people squirm.

Thoughts about money and conversations about money come to mind.

What does sorting out mean? I’ll have to admit I don’t have enough money. I’ll have to say it out loud. I’ll be ashamed. I’ll offend the person who’s asking for a fee (in this case, moi).

Or the reverse. I’ll need to ask for money. I’ll have to say what the regular fee is out loud. I’ll make other people uncomfortable if they don’t have the funds. I’ll turn people away, or turn people off. They’ll think poorly of me, they’ll think I’m selfish or hoggish, they’ll think I’m hoity toity (I love this word, it comes from a verb meaning “to play or pretend” and some say from the French “haut toit” meaning high roof).

I once went to a workshop on money. An entire weekend, starting on Friday night, ending Sunday late afternoon.

There were many exercises and the facilitator was superb. I knew upon registering, going in, that the fee was sliding scale and we would be able to set our own amount at the end of the workshop, and offer the payment when it was over.

I had NO IDEA it would make me so uncomfortable.

On Sunday afternoon, after the full workshop was over, we had to decide what we wanted to give the facilitator, who had traveled from afar to give this program.

I hardly had any money and the whole reason I came was because, well A) I obviously had a problem with money because it was not in my life in much quantity, and B) I thought I could get away with hardly paying a dime and feel fine about it, since there was no set fee.

I was wracked with confusion, guilt, and worry about having No Fee. It was too much freedom. Too much meaning was put into the amount.

What it boiled down to was, I had No Idea what would make the teacher happy. I was used to making the teacher happy, I wanted to make the teacher happy, I didn’t know how to make myself happy.

I finally, uncomfortably, picked an amount that sounded like a “normal” workshop fee amount and wrote a check for $250. It was almost all that was in my savings at the time, but I was too embarrassed to pay less. The workshop was incredibly helpful and I wanted to show this in my fee.

Wow, that last hour deciding what to pay was worth the entire program in itself. Every stressful belief, every painful thought about having enough, or not having enough, came roaring to the surface as we all got to sit quietly, take out our checkbooks, and give honorably.

(Now, when I offer my money telecourse, I do the same thing. LOL.)

But you know, this pain and angst and torturous back-and-forth and “sorting out a way you can join” or “sorting” out the thoughts about money in any situation involving it, is not just about money.

It’s about Relationship.

I noticed, I did the exact same thing when in relationship with others, in many variations. I wondered if they would be pleased. I worried I wouldn’t get or keep what I needed. I watched to see if they would hurt me with words or betray or abandon or insult me. I worried I would accidentally insult them or stick my foot in my mouth. I felt very careful. I had judgements and criticisms.

I felt afraid.

I noticed fear in all forms appearing in my thoughts about others.

How do I get close, how do I feel connected, but not intrude or overstep? How do I speak authentically, but not insult. How do I take in what others say, but only the good stuff (the critical stuff seems to hurt)?

What a huge project. Exhausting.

If you notice there is someone, or several people in your life, with whom you have a tentative, or careful, or troubling, or anger-inducing relationship….

….then write down all those conflicting thoughts and see what words you’re using, and begin to study them.

Take them through The Work, the Four Questions.

How can you live, what does it feel like, how can you be fulfilled, enough, whole, OK, supported, here, receiving, giving, exchanging conversation and love and energy (money or otherwise) in a balanced amount, just right for you in this moment today, with everyone and everything?

How can you be you?

“I work with four and five year old children who suffer from believing the same concepts that adults believe. These concepts are sacred religions; we’re completely devoted to them. ‘People should come,’ ‘people should go,’ ‘people should understand me’, ‘I’m too this’, ‘You’re too that’, ‘my wife shouldn’t lie’, my children should appreciate me’, my husband doesn’t love me’, ‘my mother would be much happier if she saw things the way I do.’ Whatever story we’re attached to, that’s where our devotion is. There’s no room for God in it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to join the course that starts today at 9 am Pacific, you can move quick, or listen to the recordings if you miss out. RegisterHERE. Or like I said, write to me if you really want to do this work and don’t have the fee. It is my privilege to work with you, if you want to do The Work.

Much love,

Grace

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Exceptionally rare 2nd post in one day

This morning’s telejam session doing The Work, for anyone and everyone from all over the world, was so touching. Several people sent $10 and some sent more….which feels so generous (and it’s OK if you have nada, that’s what these sessions are for–I will be offering them every month).
We filled out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on one specific situation unique to our own lives, a situation we’re not liking so much.
The most simple place to start this work is on a difficult relationship with someone. It can be anyone. 
Your co-worker who’s sooooo annoying you go down the other hallway when you see her coming. Your father when you phone home and he hands the phone immediately over to your mom and hardly says a word. That boyfriend you kinda liked but who disappeared. Your brother who beat you up when you were both kids.
Pick anyone in your life, and you probably have an opinion about them. Maybe not so stressful, especially if they’re mostly a stranger….although even a stranger can incite serious rage in some people. (I can’t believe that guy just cut me off! Jerk!)
Tomorrow morning, we’re starting a course for six weeks together to dig into some of these kinds of beliefs about the human race.
I usually don’t send an email twice in one day, but I’m making sure you know we’ve got space. There’s only four folks and we’re on. Write me if you absolutely cannot afford the fee ($297) because maybe this is the time for some financial help so you can question your stress around people.
I’ll guide you through filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, slowly considering what thoughts need to be written on that thing, how to work with what’s bothering you in any given situation.
Family member, spouse, partner, guy you’re dating, neighbor, that woman who works in your building, your boss….
….come bring your beliefs about this person to this course, so you can investigate more deeply rather than just believing what you think (which hurts).

I noticed, when on my own, I did The Work only sometimes, I rarely sat still for the full length of an inquiry, I got so much more out of it when I gathered with at least one other person.

“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want “in”. I’ll send you all the information. Yes, you can listen to recordings if you miss a class. All you need is a phone or skype, or computer to connect.

Time to address the thoughts you’ve carried maybe for a lifetime. This is a chance to see what happened in that situation you found so horrible, or aggravating, or sad. You can question the thoughts. You can wonder if they’re true. You can find turnarounds.
Six weeks. 9:00 am – 10:30 am Pacific Time.
Let’s do this.
Register HERE.
Much love,
Grace