Recently I found out someone who took a course with me was about to teach a course of his own using the same exercises and topic. He set the fee at the same exact rate, and the course was the same exact amount of weeks.
Honestly, I have no idea what to think about this kind of thing.
It’s a complete honor to have someone feel the exercises I’m offering are so good they want to use them.
The Work is also free. Everything of true value is accessible to anyone and everyone. No course is required for freedom. No course is required for human peace.
What is my little thought, the thing that feels weird about it, where I thought I needed to say something.….but what?
I knew what to do first.
Write down my brainstorm of thoughts, especially the stressful ones.
I worked my ass off, through suffering, and through recovery, to discover these exercises–he should think up his own work instead of copying mine.
He’s doing better than me, he’s delivering my work to many people, he’s more successful, he’s winning
I have personal transformation, and so much to offer, yet other people do it more extensively and with more confidence
He shouldn’t have signed up for my course just to get all the curriculum (he was deceptive)
I need him, and the world, to honor and respect and include me instead of leaving me out
He is sneaky, stealing from me, he used me
I’m not good enough, I’m not charismatic enough, I’ve got some kind of problem reaching others (he doesn’t)
I felt sooooo much scarcity, so much competition.
And what’s more is, I loved this guy and he was such a great participant in the program. (But he’s a liar!)
Whew.
Have you ever felt competition with someone else in your life, or jealousy, less-than, disappointment, or the sense of not being acknowledged, left out, withheld from, or stepped over?
OK, let’s do The Work.
Find that situation in your life where you felt this with someone.
Is it true, in that situation with that person, that you’re being copied and at the same time Not Acknowledged? Is it true that this other person’s success means you fail?
This happens a lot when someone feels rejected because of being “left” in their relationship for someone else, and then they see their former partner with a new lover.
They’re wrong. You’re missing out. You lose. It’s their fault, or even if you know it isn’t, you hate them anyway.
There they are, enjoying themselves together, and you’ve got no one, you’re not doing it right. You weren’t acknowledged, or included. You weren’t appreciated.
Is it true?
Can you be absolutely sure it’s true, really?
No.
How do you react when you believe it’s true that you’re missing out, or someone deceived you?
Oh man.
The way I react is total beeline focus on that person and wondering why they get the goods, and not me. Over and over again every day thinking this! Sad, upset, feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself. Furious at that person and how great they’re doing. Hoping that person does horribly, has a bad experience, and doesn’t succeed as much as they hoped (hoping they’ll also feel pain).
Yikes.
It’s embarrassing on top of it to even admit the immaturity in the thinking, the urge to withdraw, to never speak up, to shrink.
But who would you be without your thoughts about that other person, and about yourself?
Who would you actually be right now without the belief someone’s stealing from you, or you aren’t appreciated? Without the thought you’re missing out, and they’re succeeding? (And this does NOT mean you won’t say something to the person if it’s wise, mature and loving)?
Who would you actually be, right now?
Bam. Instantly I’m back inside my own body, in my own surroundings, full of curiosity and wonder.
I am supposed to be here, to be me doing the courses I do which seem to have a never-ending creativity to them. I am supposed to be this–because I am.
Without my troubled thoughts of scarcity and competition, I’d be open, curious, excited, noticing what my passions are.
I’d also remember how much I’ve gleaned from others I’ve studied–in fact, maybe everything I ever create a curriculum around is a collection of information from others. Nothing’s actually original.
Turning it all around:
I am appreciated, by me for the work I love to do, and by this man who loved my curriculum. He shouldn’t think up his own work, he should copy mine (it’s that good)! I’m doing just fine, sharing, working with people, enjoying this thing I call “work” immensely.
Oh lordy.
Who would you be without your fear of losing, of comparison, or of having others steal your material?
Happy.
If you’d like to join a small group for six Wednesday mornings from 9-10:30 am, we’ll be taking a sweet dive into some of these strange stressful concepts that arise within when it comes to others.
We start tomorrow!
Module One: Relationship Happiness, What Do You Believe? Find Out by Identifying Clearly What You Think
Module Two: What Should Be True (That Isn’t) and Using Your Imagination to Turn Your Beliefs Around
Module Three: Fear, Loss, and Dependency–Questioning the Pain of Avoiding the Future, or Resenting the Past
Read about the course HERE and register, too (only $297). I’d love you to join me.
If you’d like to join the online meetup for anyone, beginner to experienced, we’ll all dial in tomorrow and do The Work.
I’ll guide you through filling out a worksheet on your judgments on any situation bringing you disturbance, then we’ll work on one thought from start to finish. Click HERE to join tomorrow morning. It’s a good sampling of this work if you’re considering joining theRelationships 6 week teleclass that starts Wednesday morning! You can participate, or just listen.
Speaking of relationships.
who would you be if you make peace with the story of goodbye?
Somewhere along the way in my history and practice of doing The Work, I noticed a thought that continuously came to the surface about other people.
If they criticized me, or confronted me, or challenged me, or disagreed strongly with me, I felt a terror within of potential abandonment.
Sometimes an incredibly fast reaction to this fear occurred almost immediately. Anger. If they abandon me….fine. They aren’t worth it either, they’re the jerk, they screwed up, good riddance, etc. I ditch them! Take that!
Such a great word “ditch” I noticed. I think I started speaking it, withothers kids, maybe around 3rd grade.
“Let’s ditch him!”
Weird how it showed up that way in our language. It didn’t mean anything horribly wrong. We’d be acting it out more like a hide and seek game.
And yet….how awful, sometimes, to be the one ditched.
What does it conjure up in the mind? I picture someone getting thrown in a ditch and buried at the side of a road, rather than in a graveyard. The poorest kind of abandonment and lack of caring. A sense of being discarded and worthless. No funeral. No acknowledgement. No connection. Treated like garbage.
Ouch.
I notice, I think it’s true.
I think it’s true that sets of people can ditch other sets of people (war) and families can leave families (what happened to my ancestors immigrating from Sweden and Ireland) and relationships can suddenly, or not-so-suddenly end, and people can die.
I know how I react when a friendship has disappeared and someone I cared deeply about stopped speaking to me or, I stopped speaking to someone I cared about (yes, I’ve done it). I know what it’s like to have people I love so much die.
It feels heart-breaking.
But who would I be without the story that the heart is actually severed in two? Who would I be without the story of being ditched? Who would I be without the story that heart-break is terrible and to be avoided at all costs, or even CAN be avoided?
Who would you be without the story that heart-break is impossible to live through, or that when you’ve ditched someone or they’ve ditched you, you can’t live a joyful, meaningful, engaged life and go on?
Turning the thought around: I am not ditched by my friend, I did not ditch that man I once knew. I ditched myself. Ditching hasn’t happened.
How could this be just as true, or truer? What are some examples?
I notice I’m here, alive in this temporary moment. I remember the people with care and attention and love who I no longer see regularly in person. Life has gone on after others are no longer present, they’ve left, or have even died. I have new friends in my life, constantly.
I will be gone someday too.
Does that mean I’m ditching planet earth?
Ha ha….not at all.
As if “I” could be even doing that anyway, in the first place.
I would be simply moving on, following the way of it, moving with the universe. I’d be someone with a heart broken over and over again, but somehow it was OK anyway.
Because I’m here, right now.
“When you inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly. Things, people, or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy or appreciate them–while they last….Even if everything were to collapse and crumble all around you, you would still feel a deep inner core of peace. You may not be happy, but you will be at peace.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Right now, I notice, if I want to make contact with someone I haven’t connected with in a very long time…or I have thoughts about being ditched or ditching someone else…I can actually make it right, without expectation for anything happening next.
I can write a letter to that someone and let them know they were not worthless or discarded, if this is appropriate and wise. I can write to family members or ancestors even when they are no longer alive and send the letter to them through fire (burning it). I can sit still and feel the deep inner core of life within me and acknowledge the peace.
I can feel the presence of Reality, the Universe, or God handling all of this without my approval, and notice no matter how much ditching I’ve imagined has happened, something mysterious is still here anyway, and life is going on.
In fact, I am surrounded by things in this moment: chair, desk, lamp, carpet, humming sound of heater turning on, light, window, cup, sign, phone.
Nothing is absent in this moment. Even my stories. But I don’t have to act like they’re absolutely true and I need to do something about them based on terror or avoidance.
Not right now. I’ve got inquiry.
Then, movement and action can be born out of my stories based on love, and wisdom, instead.
Last night for the fourth night in a row I walked under a black sky studded with sparkling stars. Walking very slowly in the crisp air with my huge puffy blue down coat zipped up tight, I turned off my flash light, head tipped back in wonder.
A new friend and fellow scholar of the Orphan Wisdom School I’m enrolled in said “there are so many stars, I can’t even tell which is the big dipper”.
We paused under the brightness, and soon found the big dipper, and little dipper. Others were also here with us, all making our way back across a huge expansive night field towards our cars parked in a long row on a dirt road near the place we’re meeting.
Everyone was looking up.
At the very same moment in my mind I was thinking about something posed in our group just before we broke for the night.
Retreats are not necessary, not required.
Because this life is not about being as careful as possible so you make no mistakes, or figuring out how to fix yourself, or resolving your inner world once and for all, or finding the answer to what makes you happy.
No.
Life will always be imperfect, we’ll make mistakes, we won’t feel quite resolved, things will be messy.
Happiness will most likely be found through a powerful acceptance of the nuttiness and surprise of life, not in getting it all figured out and managed.
I thought about this concept of not needing “retreat” because not only have I been on many, many retreats of all kinds, shapes and sizes….
….I’ve also been in the place where I could not afford either the time or the money to go on retreat, or leave my daily life behind and meditate for a week.
Which brings me to one of the things I love about The Work and doing it as an ongoing practice every day.
All it is….is four questions, and trying on the turnarounds.
And all you do is ask these questions when you notice you feel stress, suffering, anything that keeps you from actively engaging fully in your own daily life.
Your daily life is your personal school.
When I notice there’s something that would prevent me from movement, action, a sense of holiness about even the most mundane daily activities, or lack of imagination and respect, I can ask these questions.
Is what I think right now true?
Can I absolutely know it’s true?
What happens and how do I react when I believe what I think? How do I speak? What do I say? How do I treat others? What do I do?
Who would I be without this belief running in my head? What would this look like? What would I say? How would I be with others? How would I treat people, myself, my life? What else is possible instead of thinking the same way I’ve always thought, or everyone around me has always thought?
And after this deep exploration, we get to find the turnarounds.
What is the complete opposite, or what if I turned what I think upside down, or switched places with the person in question, or wondered if what’s happening is for some hidden benefit I don’t know of yet?
What if I wasn’t against what’s going on so completely, with a sense of war, defense or attack towards it?
It doesn’t mean I have to like it, or love it, or support what’s going on, or be thrilled with what I’ve encountered….
….not at all.
But the mind opening up into all possibilities, not trying to fix things or people or myself, not trying to stay in a game of good vs evil….
….wow. It is freedom. To “wonder” about life is freedom.
It will break your heart, too. But you won’t be numb anymore.
I love how The Work is a great investigation, and you don’t have to go anywhere to start. You can do it right now, with just one thing you’re suffering about.
Instead of giving up, growing passive, feeling hopeless….you can be yourself, in action, alive, being.
If you’re not sure how, or you want to practice with a group, you really CAN do The Work without leaving your own home. I’ll be offering an inquiry call Tuesday morning May 3rd from 7:45 – 9:00 am Pacific Time. You can drop in or drop off the call any time, so come to all or a part of it.
You’ll get the chance to identify your thoughts about a difficult or stressful situation, and do The Work on just one belief you have about it. You can share out loud, or just listen.
“Can we stop pretending to know, and rest in wonder and never-ending mystery?” ~ Jeff Foster
