Month: November 2014

Posted on

Feeling Bad And Don’t Know Why? Here’s What To Do

Fairly regularly, people come to me to do The Work and say “I feel awful, I can’t sleep, I want to eat all the time, I want to drink beer, but I don’t know WHAT I’m really upset about!?!”

This is soooooo common.

You aren’t weird if you’ve noticed this in your life.

Some of the other things people will say are “I am depressed” or “I am anxious all the time” or the most fabulous give-up smack to the world….”what’s the use?”

How do I do The Work on this feeling? I can’t find a concept! Write something down?

There’s nothing to write down….or too much to write down!

Maybe you are considering humanity….and the suffering, the wars, the hunger, destruction, global warning, relationships gone astray, the hurt, the grief.

It’s so big. So hard. So terrible. Blech. I’ll just go to bed.

When it comes to doing The Work, one of the first places to begin when you just feel bad is to locate a specific objection you have about life, and oddly enough, narrow it down in a strangely specific way.

I always have people start there, just like Byron Katie herself recommends.

“But I don’t have a specific situation….I have a whole bunch of uncomfortable or horrible situations….life is just one big fat disappointment, I’m a mess, being here is no good!”

OK, no problemo.

Here’s the good news. Pick ONE.

That’s all that is necessary.

Because narrowing it down to one situation at a time is the BEST THING I EVER DID in my inquiry.

Seriously.

And I was someone who had what I thought were HUNDREDS of objectionable situations.

I used to make very global statements about the difficulties of life. I used to be sarcastic and rather dark…my humor still leans in that direction, but now it’s actually FUNNY.

“Life sucks and then you die”.

I notice…I really don’t say those kinds of things hardly ever anymore. Or, I don’t believe it when I do.

Wow.

Have no fear. If you say big generalized statements about the world, life, you, humans….and it’s dark and bitter….all you have to do is begin with one situation you ACTUALLY went through.

One really lazer, painful, ouchy incident where you got hurt.

That’s the moment.

You put it on “pause” and hold that vision in your mind of that specific situation.

Ow, ow, ow.

Even if you don’t want to remember it, or deal with it, or you feel there’s absolutely nothing you could ever do about it, ever, ever, ever.

Inquiry is investigation into reality, into the truth.

And the assumption below it all is that experiencing pain and suffering in this moment now, through remembering the past or dreading the future, means you don’t have all the lights on. You’re missing something, you’ve thought something to be true that’s probably not really true for you.

But you have to look and see for yourself.

Today….if you have a big black cloud come over you, if you experience deep despair, irritation, depression, rage, frustration, terror, fear or anxiety….

….first simply stop.

Now consider the moment where you got triggered. Maybe an image sped through your mind and it reminded you of something else. Maybe three different people had funny faces, and all added up together you were disturbed because your mind took off on a tangent of despair.

Go backwards in time to the first moment you got triggered.

The scene of the crime.

The day you lost your innocence. The moment you failed, the day you found out that news, the conversation in which it became clear you were betrayed, criticized, unloved, wrong, destroyed.

Don’t worry if you don’t have the “best” worst situation.

The one that comes to mind, is the one ready for inquiry.

Every time I thought I just “felt bad” and didn’t have a thought to question…within five minutes of writing I had a specific situation, a difficult painful relationship to investigate.

“It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti

“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

I love knowing all that is necessary is to question.

The suffering I am experiencing is happening through not asking questions, through making statements like “LIFE SUCKS!”

Like I know, right?

Let yourself see the thing that’s bothering you, in that moment of angst, urgency, fear, sleeplessness.

Don’t start wondering if you have the right situation, or the best situation….just begin. Write that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

You can do it!

Much love, Grace

P.S. For lots of wonderful information about doing The Work and to see Byron Katie teach you about filling out a JYN, visit www.thework.com.

 

Posted on

Be Full of Love–Question Your Fears

So much can happen in a split second inside the imagination.

Get this.

I’m in a long-hours retreat weekend for three full days, 10 am until 11 pm-ish every day. It’s got the schedule of a hard-core zen retreat. We stand up and stretch for one minute intervals, there are two thirty minute breaks and one 90 minute meal break.

The second evening….or I should call it NIGHT since it was 11:45 pm, I decide to call my husband, hours away, on his own separate personal growth type retreat with a small group and a familiar beloved teacher for him.

As I walk to my car, my workshop day over, glancing at my text messages, emails and incoming calls missed all day, before I dial, I consider the hour.

It’s a bit late.

He might already be sleeping. He might be sleeping with a roommate or others in ear shot of the phone. He might be out of cell range. I have no idea of his environment.

Just about midnight.

I fire up the car, get the ice scraper out, clear the windshield. I begin my own drive home (for my retreat, I’m sleeping at home every night). I decide to go ahead and dial, thinking if he’s not available I’ll leave a newsy message, the kind I love to get, and wait to connect with him when we see each other again in person in a few days.

Ring Ring Ring.

I hear fumbling, a small thumping sound. Silence.

I say “hello?” Then I hear nothing. I check the phone screen. Yes, I am connected. Someone has answered his phone.

I say again “hello?”

Nothing.

I wait. It seems like I hear some foot steps. I imagine him quickly trying to hold the phone in a muffled position, exiting a dark room full of sleeping people, or a late-night retreat session, or a deep after-retreat-hours conversation about what’s being learned or discussed.

I better not talk, in case there’s total silence wherever he is and my voice would penetrate the room, coming out of the phone!

I wait. But then I say again….”Hello?” kind of anxious.

The phone screen shows seconds ticking by.

Then I hang up, feeling a little embarrassed.

Not that he would ever get upset about being called in the middle of something important, he’s not the sort to blame that on me, or anyone else. He’d be quite exceptional that way, actually, trusting that whatever incoming noises, rings and beeps occurred were for some good reason. He’d probably be amused about whatever went on. One of the most accepting and easy-going people I know.

And yet still. I should have known it was too late.

Arggh.

I should have asked him if I could call. I shouldn’t have rung his phone.

I turn on the CD and listen to a great lecture where I left off last time I was in the car, and listen to it all the way home.

In the morning, I notice….oh. There’s a voicemail.

From my husband. One minute after I phoned him last night.

He’s cheerily saying “what’s up? I saw you called but couldn’t hear anything! Call me back if you want.”

My imagination had gone through visions in tiny sparky flashes of my call causing a ring causing a disturbance causing irritation. My mind’s idea of the scene even pictured a frantic run out of a dark room, throwing a loud ringing phone out a window (what were those bump noises anyway).

My mind had even flashed on someone ELSE picking up the phone and answering it, someone who happened to be near my husband’s phone.

All that….and fortunately no intensity going anywhere. I slept well. No biggie.

But the scenes were there, the thinking had been immediately busy.

In those kinds of moments when worry starts to tweak you with pictures or creative ideas about what’s happening…

…remember to ask if it’s true.

Because, in that moment, that question was alive and well. I knew I had no idea what was happening. The movie playing was even rather entertaining.

But this is not always the case.

If you believe your worries, they turn into anxieties, then fear, then terror, then you’re flooded and overwhelmed with terrified feelings, darkness and hell.

All from not remembering to wonder “is this vision true?”

Reality check.

Look around. Nothing is happening.

I dialed a number. The phone on the other end was answered, apparently. There was a little sound, then silence.

That’s what actually happened.

One of my favorite things to do after learning of my mind’s capacity for fear-compulsion-addiction is to check out if things are true that I imagined, that I “guessed” were true.

When I called him back, I shared with him what I was seeing in my mind during those 46 seconds.

He chuckled and said “not even close.”

“It is this very personal relationship with thought that is the cause of all the fear, ignorance, and suffering which characterizes the human condition, and which destroys the manifestation of true Love in this life. As long as your experience of self and life is defined by the mechanical, conditioned, and compulsive movement of thought, you are bound to a very, very limited perception of what is real…..
…..Experience your eternalness, your holiness, your awakeness until you are convinced that you are never subject to the movement of thought, of fear, or of time. To be free of fear is to be full of Love.” ~ Adyashanti

Anyone can do this. You do not need to be special.

To be full of love, you need only to stop and see if what you are imagining is actually true.

See if there is something present besides thinking.

See if you are safe.

I don’t really know why and how my visions are created, and why so much believing, repeating thoughts, fixating on images and concepts has occurred in the past without questioning any of it.

One day, I found out about questioning what was real.

So now that I know about inquiry, now that I know to ask what is true….ahhhhhhh.

Drama, entertainment, and laughter for us all.

And lots of love.

You’re full of love, too. You might not see it if you’ve been scared, but I know it’s there.

Much love, Grace

P.S. There’s an opening in Year of Inquiry for our wonderful phone sessions. Gather with others and inquire every week via teleconference on a specific painful belief. Inquiry circle from anywhere in the world! Monthly fee, send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com for more information.

Posted on

Who Are You Without That Trash?

Quite a few years ago, I spent a weekend with a man called Dr. Hew Len.

He was a gruff no-nonsense teacher of peace. No fakey fake. No nicey nice.

I happened to get to sit down next to him at the same restaurant during the lunch break on the first day.

I told him I felt awful about my rage, especially with my teenage daughter.

He said “clean.”

That was his primary teaching, his offering of what one could practice to feel free. That’s what we were learning about in his weekend workshop.

Clean your mind, stop reacting, say “I love you”, take 100% responsibility for what’s happening around you.

No questions, no stories, no explanations.

He was awesome, I loved him. And he said that if you wanted to talk and talk, even talk a little bit, you were full of BS.

This weekend I’m in another personal development retreat (I know, I know, I seem to be in a lot of these lately…we’ll talk about that LATER)!

I was reminded of Dr. Len when the workshop leader said all your stories, talking, yapping, suffering….

….all just data, just machinery, projection, comparing to the past, worrying about the future, limited.

Not the real YOU.

I thought about what question four in The Work of Byron Katie always points to: who or what would you be without your story? 

Without believing your thoughts, your feelings, your judgments of other people? Without grabbing what you see, hear, touch, smell and THINK and instantly being so sure it’s all absolute reality?

Who would you be without being so sure there’s something to be worried about, or terrified of, or even happy about?

I know it’s kinda crazy.

Instead of looking at what is and believing in it, this is imagining who you would be without those thoughts…

Just get quiet and see, today.

You might think you can’t, you might think “I don’t know how to be without my thoughts!”

You don’t have to be without your thoughts altogether…that appears to be impossible.

You just have to click into the sense of not being a believer of them. See what else is here, besides thinking and stressing and reacting.

Hold still a minute. Don’t talk.

Dr. Len gives it to us without any sugar on top:

“You have given up yourself, your pureness of heart, for trash. Can you imagine giving up a pure soul for trash? This is what we do moment to moment….But if you’re at zero, everyone else will be at zero. And you really are at zero. That’s who you really are.” ~ Dr. Hew Len 

You are so big, so amazingly powerful, beyond all your thinking and fears and judgments. You have done nothing wrong to have them, so don’t go getting mad at yourself.

Just be and imagine.

Dr. Len calls it zero. A big fat zero. Nothingness. Flat line. Space. Resting. Silence. Emptiness.

Don’t be scared of what it’s called.

You are not defined as your body, you are not your environment, you are not your relationships, you are not your mind, you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions.

All these parts honorable and fascinating, nothing wrong with them.

But wow, you are all this and much more.

I LOVE YOU!

Isn’t it fun?

“Without a story of being limited, you’re infinite. There’s nothing more joyous than that–to know that you’re all things and new each moment, and that all of it is projected. People think that limitlessness is terrifying, because they don’t have inquiry. But it’s no more terrifying than sitting in your living room.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

How To Avoid Believing Other People’s Dark Twisted Money Stories

Other people's thoughts about money can be poisonous, when YOU believe them
Other people’s thoughts about money can be poisonous, when YOU believe them

The other day I was working with a client who has had the same complaint for a couple of years.

Both her son and her boyfriend have credit cards, and her name is on their accounts. Both of them don’t pay their bills on time. Both of them get late fees added to their balance due.

Since her name is on the account…it matters to her that these people pay their bills.

Our attitudes about money can take us into the strangest twisted places.

Most people would advise her to make sure her name is off those accounts, right? Then, she may not like how they operate with their money, but she’s at least not supporting it or colluding with it, or getting involved personally.

At least, that was my thought.

Why doesn’t she take her name off everything?! Maybe even close those credit card accounts and let these people she loves run their own money?

I mean…..JEEZUS! IT’S NOT THAT HARD!

Oh. Heh heh.

So easy to give advice, right? So easy to get riled up and have a stressful reaction. How fascinating.

I decided to look deeper, since this story actually triggered a voice inside ME.

Maybe you have someone close to you…a family member, a client, a best friend….they should get clear about money, stop being used, stop getting caught in weird dynamic with people around money, sort their money issues out!

Is it true?

Yes! Like I said…it’s not that hard. You cut up the card and close the account. Bam. Done.

Is it absolutely true they should figure out their weirdness about money?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Money is tricky enough without having other people involved! It’s way better to simply be responsible for creating your own money, managing your own money, relating to your own money.

Of course it’s absolutely true!!

Although….I do understand, there are many strange, underlying, dark beliefs about money, about love, that perhaps need to surface slowly over time. There is a learning curve, it appears. There may be much more going on than I would ever know.

How do I react when I see someone else doing something stupid with their money? Constantly needing more of it? Asking for free things and looking for deals? Bailing other people out?

Sorry. I feel bad about saying “stupid”.

I vow never to do anything like this myself ever again (I once got married and pooled resources, but I’ll never do that again–even though I’m remarried). I feel proud and “right” about getting myself out of debt completely, building a savings account, creating wealth.

I wonder at the bizarreness of the human psyche that has the capacity to drive someone into financial confusion, not saying “no”.

The other night, my husband and I went to see Gone Girl because it was recommended by someone I trust. I love good movies. I rarely go to the movies anymore, so this was rare.

I had no idea what it was about.

At the end, I just shook my head. I reflected on the sickness humans sometimes get into, the longing, the control, the unhappiness, the self-hate….

….and how it can be played out in a primary relationship.

The story in this movie was a fascinating and extreme version of the same things humans believe about each other every day, when their belief system about love and connection is based on fear, self-doubt, abandonment, support and neediness.

Money fits into this in a strange way.

We need money, apparently, the way we need food and water, in order to have a stable life…since we all exchange money here, usually, on planet earth (I know this could be questioned).

Wow, though.

People do crazed insane things to keep money in their lives.

And who would I be right now without the belief that all those beliefs about money are sad, depressing, tragic, twisted, dreadful?

I’d rest in a place of quiet, knowing everyone is working out their patterns and lives in the best way possible.

I can love these people rather than scoff at them or slap them in my mind. I can be truly honest.

I can do my own work about money.

If you notice others who are being crazy, damaging and unhappy about their money….

….the last thing they may need is someone angry with them and yelling at them to get it together or else.

So I asked my client what she was thinking was so terrible about saying “no”, taking her name off these other peoples’ accounts, standing in her own shoes when it comes to money?

I listened. There was a much stronger part of me hearing the story and not reacting.

And it doesn’t mean I don’t suggest separating her funds from these other people….but without expectation for any results.

All I know is, every time I do The Work with other people on money, even as facilitator, I become freer.

I don’t need to take on other peoples’ problems or concerns about money.

Ahhhhhh….the big turnaround.

When I think SHE should be clear about her responsibilities and peace and boundaries with money?

I’m the one who should be clear, responsible, peaceful and have boundaries with money, my thoughts about money, my “rightness” about money, right in the moment I’m thinking about how SHE should have clarity about money.

I speak up and speak clearly, and I allow her to be as she is, loving her where she is with money.

Nothing more required.

“You tell him yes because you’re afraid of losing something or you want something….but can you absolutely know that if you said ‘no’ he would stop loving you?…..When you believe the thought that you will stop being loved unless you give someone money, you become less wealthy.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Decisions Decisions! But The Universe Will Give You What You Need

Decisions Are Easier Than You Think
I have to make the right decision!

Recently I’ve been having a difficult time making a decision about leaving home to attend a big annual event (known as The Cleanse) with Byron Katie.

Don’t get me wrong….it’s a beautiful event where Byron Katie sits with an empty chair on stage, and one by one, people sit in the chair next to her to do The Work, to investigate a situation or person in their lives who’s giving them grief.

In the end, through 3.5 days of that available chair on stage, perhaps 20 or 30 people get to sit with Katie as she facilitates them in looking at their beliefs about something terrible that happened, or something super irritating, something tragic, even something tolerable but persistently stressful.

While the four questions are the same for everyone, Katie–like all of us–has her original and unique way of working with them.

The process is so fascinating delving into the mind and what we really believe is absolutely true, that 400 people will come just to listen.

So yeah. It’s a cool event.

So is staying home in Seattle with my family including my son who will be back from college, my very cute husband who has a birthday on January 4th, and festivities of connection with people I love.

Without airports.

When you have a decision to make between two really awesome things….what to do?

This can happen with far more than two options for where you’ll be located during a particular time of year.

You might have a choice between two people you’d really like to have a committed relationship with, you might have to choose between two delicious meals on the menu, you might have to choose should I stay or should I go….

….the important thing to note is “this is stressful!”

Which means….time to take a look.

What I’ve found in this decision-making angst are usually three OTHER stressful thoughts that are the real confusors:

  • I will miss something VERY meaningful
  • I could make the wrong decision
  • I can’t trust my decisions (because see #2)

But what if you didn’t have any of these beliefs?

What if you didn’t think you’d miss anything….EVER? No matter what?

Turning the thoughts around: I won’t miss anything, it’s not possible to make the wrong decision, I can trust all my decisions. 

Wow! Stunning!

What a load off!

I notice I look at flights, I look at hotels, I don’t make reservations, I feel joyful and I wind up talking with my friend Gai in Australia on skype and drinking tea.

It is obviously not necessary to know what I’m doing at the end of December right now.

I will have a clear yes or no when I do.

It may not actually even be up to “me”.

“The universe will give you what you need, against your best thought….When you do The Work and turn your thoughts around, you find advantages for what happens. You win if you’re right, you win if you’re wrong. In my life I always win, win, win, win…” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment now, all is well, future unknown.

As I feel this to be true, I realize that in the future, it will also be true….now.

Oh! I do always win!

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

No One Is Immune–So Invite It In

A couple of years ago, I attended a huge conference for mental health professionals in San Francisco.

One of my favorite teachers, Irving Yalom, was the keynote speaker, in his 80s.

Most people have never heard of him.

But he is famous in the world of mental health, a beloved psychotherapist who has taught at Stanford and practiced his profession for more than 40 years.

Irving Yalom wrote in one of his many books that the capacity to tolerate uncertainty is a prerequisite for becoming a therapist, and that really we are all in this together.

Like, we’re all going to die.

“We are all in this together and there is no therapist and no person immune to the inherent tragedies of existence.” ~ Irving Yalom

This reminded me of Byron Katie saying “there are no new thoughts!”

When I first read Loving What Is, I realized that I had so many objections I could write the book Upset With What Is.

And I really did want there to be some kind of way out of this predicament. I wanted immunity to the “tragedies” of existence.

I didn’t want bad stuff to happen.

Please!?

But now, even though I’ve gone through so many of these inherent tragedies of existence at this point (death, loss, addiction, fear, despair, grief) there is truly a strange acceptance of uncertainty.

Complete and total uncertainty.

So fabulous to question the belief “I need to be certain…I need to find out…I need to know…I need to immunize myself against tragedy!”

Without the belief I need to be certain….

….without the thought that I need to know anything, have answers, give advice, or help anyone (including myself) avoid pain….

….it is indeed a strange, wild, wonderful existence.

Turning it all around: I do not need to know, I don’t need to be certain of anything, I need to NOT know, I do not need to immunize myself against anything.

Strange and unusual for the mind to sit with.

And yet….exciting. Thrilling! Brilliant!

Instantly aware of the pulse below the surface even in this moment of life, of hearing noises of cars, tapping of fingers on laptop, checking clock for the hour, the slight ache in the back, the pale light of the room, heart beating, body warm.

Awesome surroundings. Miraculous.

I wouldn’t trade any of it.

And if I would, I’ve got The Work.

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice. Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. Because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” ~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

Posted on

An Odd Thing To Do If You Know Someone Sad

Yesterday in our telegroup Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we looked at a powerfully stressful thought that causes a lot of insanity on the planet…

She should be happy. He should be happy. Everyone should be happy!

All by itself, the idea that you want people to be happy, content, free, or peaceful is of course beautiful, true, and genuinely loving.

We love the world to be happy, all of us do.

But it’s so easy for this one to get twisted into multiple knots of confusion….

….and to bring great suffering upon yourself by wishing someone would be happy who really isn’t.

You know when the wish is stressful, because you feel pain inside your heart and an urgency that they change. You can feel the voices saying crazy mean things like “Get Happy Now, you miserable victim!” or “Snap out of it! Come on!” or “Gimme a smile!” or “Get yourself into therapy immediately!”

What if you first just slowed down this whole Race-For-Happiness thing and accepted that person’s bitter unhappiness, now.

Maybe your kid fell and cut her lip, maybe your friend is going on yet again about her awful boyfriend, maybe your dad is sitting in his chair staring out the window with a lost look, maybe another friend is going into a treatment program and acting suicidal, maybe someone you love lost someone very special.

That person cries, looks sad, sighs deeply, tells you their story. Maybe you’ve heard it before.

Then YOU feel sad, irritated, annoyed or anxious.

Stop.

Notice…who would you be without the belief they need to be happy?

Sometimes people feel guilty, just to imagine not having that belief.

I might skip along and ditch that person forever. I might be uncaring and never helpful. I might be completely self-centered. I might wind up alone, untethered, crazy. I might be abandoned. They might hate me.

I have to help other people become happy! I can’t just be happy and not care about them, that would be WEIRD.

Try it on, though….like you’re trying on a fabulous, interesting, creative new stress-free outfit.

Not having the belief that anyone else needs to be different than they are in this moment.

It doesn’t mean you don’t think they’ll be happier tomorrow, or that you hold in your heart that they arrive at happiness sooner than later, or that you want peace and awareness for them when they feel empty.

But there’s a sense of trust in this moment, here, now…that all that is being felt, including sadness, grief, rage or suicidal thoughts exist in reality….and that there is a path unfolding for everyone.

That’s life.

Without the belief that someone has to be happy in order for me to be at peace, I am free to return to my own happiness.

I can feel the wonder of Not Knowing and remain steady, my practice only to feel love, aliveness, joy in this moment now….even with that unhappy person sitting with me.

In fact, I notice I’m way more attentive, responsive, compassionate, and oddly enough, even more connected to this dear sad person.

It’s like I’m not afraid of sadness or grief or unhappiness in them. I can handle it. I know it’s temporary. I know there’s a substantive, deep pool of acceptance at the bottom of everything.

Even death, depression, failure, loss or hurt.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power…..Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.” ~ Byron Katie

I don’t have to feel hurt, dread, sad, terrified when someone I love is hurting. Their reactions to their life does not “hurt” me unless I believe my stressful thinking.

As I turn the thoughts around about other people and their pain, and what I think it means, I notice I trust that the universe has got this.

Not me.

I have no absolute answers. I can be here with them, joining closely with love, and not believe they should be any different.

I have no idea what their experience is for, I don’t know what it really means, I don’t know why it happened or didn’t happen.

And that’s OK. Completely.

What a bizarre and strange thing to do when someone else close to me is hurting: nothing. Except be there, without demanding they be different.

Or….maybe joining with them in their unhappiness was the really bizarre, strange move.

As an inquirer in the teleclass said as she described her family “they’re like crabs trying to climb out of a bucket–they pinch and crawl and keep pulling each other down–back into the dark bucket. No one able to get out.”

Who would I be without the thought that the bucket is sad, the crabs are unhappy, this is a terrible, desperate situation from hell?
Unknown. Open.
Who knows what will happen, next?
Much love,
Grace
Posted on

Strangers Are Scary

Mini Retreat: Seattle 12/6 1:30-5:30 pm, full session in The Work from start to finish. Everyone will get to investigate at least one stressful situation from their lives, past or present.

Click here to read more and register to come. Limited to 12. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals.

********

Who would you be without your beliefs about Other People?

The other night I ventured out to a party at an old friend’s house, someone I’ve known since high school days.

Taking off for an event at someone’s house alone….a party, a gathering, a dinner….a social event of some kind….

….isn’t the easiest thing in the world for some people.

Well, I should speak for myself.

I once felt very anxious almost every time I approached the scene of a party.

The voices are coming out of the windows, there are cars parked up and down the street squeezed nose to fender, music wafting into the night air, bright lights from inside.

Lots-of-people sounds.

If you’re like I once was (and I still have ideas waft through like this for sure) you may notice you get nervous at that moment. People are going to look at you when you go inside! They might talk with you, too!

Twenty-five years ago I was in a therapy group.

Those scary, scary humans, OMG!

(It was one of the best things I ever did in my healing process, by the way).

I had been in this marvelous group for over a year.

I shared with everyone during the little beginning check-in whats-going-on start of group that I was invited to a big huge party….but I didn’t really do so well at parties so I wasn’t going to go. Sometimes I drank too much alcohol. Staying in was better. Going out was risky.

One of the therapists stopped me.

“You know, there’s another option besides Not Going. You can go to a party and be completely honest.”

Gulp. What does she mean by that?

She went on:

“For example, you could walk in, look around, go stand near someone and say to them that you feel kind of nervous going to parties and you’re a super-extreme introvert.”

She said I could practice relaxing, not needing to “do” anything, see if a question comes to ask someone I encounter.

Oh.

Seriously?

With this other vision offered to me….it suddenly occurred to me that I had been locked into one story about large quantities of people all together in one place and what you were supposed to be like to be “successful” in that situation.

You were supposed to like attention, love talking with people, love asking and answering questions, and be entertaining, fun, pleasing and likable. You were supposed to be nice, friendly and polite.

But honest? About what you really thought and felt?

Woah. That had never ever occurred to me before.

Who would you be without your story that you are being watched by people with a critical eye, or they need to feel good around you, or you have to fake that you’re interested, or you’re going to “have” to talk to people and be nice?

Without that thought, I’d be totally free to take it all in, move in or out of conversations, or the rooms, connect with the human race, risk being perceived as weird, or quiet, or rude.

Sharing that I was nervous around big groups of people, with people, began a turnaround inside me, even though I didn’t know about Byron Katie yet.

I began practicing genuine honesty, and self-care, in large groups.

Sometimes I bumbled, it didn’t go so well, I screwed up, I got scared.

But then even though I felt shy, I’d try again.

The other night…I had such gratitude about humanity at that party.

The host who opened up his home and baked bread and chicken for guests, the band who played fabulous music, the old friends who I unexpectedly got to see after years and years, the new friends I met for fascinating conversations, the room, the lights, the chairs, the floor.

Even though there were tons of new faces and I had a little of that background of alarm when encountering the new and strange when I first walked in, I had the best time.

Keep questioning your beliefs that groups of people are scary, if you notice they are. Or boring, or irritating, or strange…whatever.

Maybe everyone you encounter is a friend, open, interested in sharing and connecting, curious, accepting, loving, kind, even if they’re also anxious. Maybe you belong everywhere.

Including this party.

Doesn’t that sound more fun, a bit lighter?

“There is only one nature, and it is friendly. If I am perceiving you as not friendly, it is THIS unfriendly mechanism [Katie points to head] that is perceiving the unfriendly….the only thing in that situation that needs to change is ME….Identify what you’re thinking and believing, wake yourself up, you’re in a dream!” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Posted on

When You Start At The Beginning, Where Should You Be?

When you're at the beginning, news flash: you may not be perfect.
When you’re at the beginning, news flash: you may not be perfect.

Oh boy.

Yesterday I took my first shot at recording a podcast (remember I mentioned my new Peace Talk Podcast many weeks ago)?

The project: create a five minute presentation about inquiry, peace work, peaceful thinking…and make it fun to listen to, for anyone interested in inner change.

I mean, awesome topic, right?

First, it took me awhile to figure out how you start a recording. I see where to plug in the microphone to the computer, but then, how do I use it?

Google. Youtube. Watch training. Look over notes.

Finally. OK.

Then…turn the thing on and start talking.

However, rambling away is not exactly interesting to other people, including me.

This is for inspiration and community!

This is to be of service, and have fun while doing it!

I listened, and said “that is DEFINITELY terrible” then pushed delete, then pushed re-record, then listened, then delete, then re-record again, then delete again, then re-record again…

…until…

“Who would I be without the thought that this five minute podcast needs to be fabulous, creative, hilarious, fun, enlightening, inspiring and moving?”

How the heck would I know, at this point, at the very beginning?

Without the thought….I notice I don’t delete the last take. I leave it. I stop that episode and consider what another different episode might look like.

I noticed I was taking it very seriously. Like listening to my own voice with such high expectations, nearly impossible to achieve.

Without the thought…I’m back to mediocre.

Which is what the underlying theme of the podcast is about in the first place.

Enlightenment, self-inquiry, awareness for the ordinary mediocre person.

Like me.

Suddenly I feel thrilled, excited. Life is bringing along yet another adventure in creativity.

Nothing special required, nothing extraordinary or beyond-human needed.

Only me and a greater community of people connecting.

I turn the beliefs around about what I’m imagining should happen, and instead imagine the opposite….hilarious!

I should sound like a dolt if I do, I don’t need to be like some brilliant luminary, I look forward to being boring, rambling or uninspiring. This may go nowhere, it may go somewhere, I’m only along for the ride. I have no idea how this exactly even came about as an option or an experiment, it just unfolded and here I am, recording something called a podcast on planet earth in the year 2014.

I’m at the BEGINNING.

“Only in this moment are we in reality. You and everyone can learn to live in the moment, as the moment, to love whatever is in front of you, to love it as you….The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment.” ~ Byron Katie

The uninterpreted moment of woman sitting on couch with new orange microphone, talking out loud about inquiry, speaking honestly, hearing the voice that comes out like a melody, enjoying this fun story at the very first chapter perhaps, without a future.

No idea what will happen next. No need to know.

I’m where I should be, now.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

How To End A Facebook Freakout!

Yesterday I rediscovered a cool picture I bought rights to as I combed through laptop files. I decided it needed to go into one of my online places.

Somehow, this led to completely reorganizing my website appearance by a new photo in my kitchen, changin’ up the pages…and then…

….suddenly deciding without having planned it to recreate my facebook page, the one connected to my private practice (click here to “like” it by the way)!

I was rockin’ it. Bad ass business page creative.

Yeah! DIY!

I got so excited I decided to share by creation on my regularfacebook profile, the one most people have for facebook with all your friends, family, events, connections, photos and all that stuff.

I said “Hey look at this cover photo thingy, I just made this on my business page!”

I was feeling proud.

Eight hours later, I was back on facebook quick looking up an address for an event.

There was my little share. From eight hours ago.

With not one comment, not one “like”, not one “cool” or “good job” or ANYTHING. Not even from my mom.

Hello?

A few thoughts kicked in immediately from the peanut gallery:

No one likes what I made! They think it’s ugly….it’s too pink, I knew it! Nobody cares about my work/business life, people are ignoring my business side!

Nobody cares! They’re rejecting me!

Oh. Heh heh.

Not you, BTW.

Who was I yelling at anyway?

Good question.

Fabulous for inquiry around business, money, being noticed, attention…just in case you ever have these kinds of stressful thoughts yourself.

I noticed the most stressful thoughts were not so much that no one had noticed my post….

….but assuming they ignored it intentionally for some reason. Like probably because it had to do with my business.

Sigh.

I’ve only looked at this 100 times when I first started my business and needed to figure out how to get my message out into the world but was mortified with embarrassment at doing so.

You shouldn’t ever brag, or talk about yourself, or request money for services…

…or proudly show people your new DIY facebook business page cover.

Being Mother Teresa and doing everything for free is better.

Is that true?

Yes. Wait. No. No!!

It’s not true!

Where did I get that idea that seems to run so deep?

How do I react when I believe I shouldn’t get too over-excited about my work, and I shouldn’t brag about doing a business type activity?

Furious. Misled. Full of self-doubt.

Who would I be without the belief that talking about business and money is a delicate subject?!

Joyfully moving forward! Learning like gangbusters! Bragging all over the place–in a good way! Inspiring other people! Trying new things (like learning picmonkey to create facebook cover thingies)!

I turn the thought around: I’m rejecting myself and others all because of a flash moment of inactivity on the web. 

Crazy.

“Spare yourself from seeking love, approval, or appreciation–from anyone. And watch what happens in reality, just for fun.” ~ Byron Katie

Even in a little moment of confusion, or wondering, or putting something out there that doesn’t get noticed….perhaps it doesn’t even get admired or well-received….

….who would you be if you spared yourself from seeking any approval?

Ahhhhhhh.

Much love, Grace