Month: November 2014

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How to tell the truth to someone? Start with inquiry.

Everyone is gathered on the phone. We can hear each other’s voices, but can’t see one another. We each see the room we’re in, or the car, the street, the coffee shop, the airport.

Here we are again, ready to look closely at troubling stories in our lives.

The class title? Relationship Hell To Heaven.

And it sure does feel like hell sometimes.

Yikes!

This week, we were looking at the topic “Telling The Truth” and how that impacts or gets twisted up in relationships with others.

When do you not show what you’re really thinking? When do you withhold information? When do you speak up abruptly, or say no, or say “maybe” when you really mean “yes”?

Or vice versa? Say yes when you really mean “no”?

I used to feel like I had to hide PILES of stuff about myself.

Be nice, smile, be helpful, act polite, don’t get too high maintenance or PIA (pain in the ass). Be appealing. Be attractive.

Be OPEN!

(Note: if you scream “RELAX AND OPEN YOUR HEART!!!!” to someone who is afraid, do you think they’ll relax and open their heart? This includes screaming it to yourself.)

I used to notice from time to time I judged some other people as too nicey-nice, too fakey, untrustworthy, false, saccharin, superficial, gooey.

What’s more is, I ALSO noticed when someone was too sharp, edgy, mean, critical, negative, cold, bossy, pushy, constantly making contact and asking mega questions, or rude….it made me really nervous, or irritated.

Jeez! Such strong beliefs about how people should behave, in order to be comfortable!

Even if you think its SOOOOOOO TRUE that someone should stop being so high maintenance OR suspiciously passive…

….who would you be if you couldn’t lock in on that story?

Woah.

Without believing they need to stop being like that, or something’s “wrong” with it, I might rest so much more comfortable.

I might notice I’m worried about hurting their feelings, but I can still say “I love you deeply and I don’t want to do what you’re asking right now.”

I might say “I’ll cook and eat with you tomorrow evening, but today I’m not really into a sit-down meal.”

I wouldn’t have SHOULDS and SHOULDN’Ts hanging over the scene from past teachings, past ideas about what is wrong or right.

I might say “hey when you tease too much about my driving, I start to feel a little hurt because I’m worried you think I’m a bad driver, is that actually true?”

I could check things out, I could say no with lots of love in my heart….

….not because I should have love in my heart, but because I trust the presence of the answer “no” I’m feeling, and when that happens, I also feel love.

I can be with you even when you say (or look like) you’re disappointed about me saying “no”.

Turning the thoughts around about how I think people ought to be, I find I am the one who needs to relax and wait and pause before trying to create a big boundary with someone…..

….or, I am the one who could notice when someone asks or says something, all I need to do is respond. I don’t have to have a hissy fit because they are too fake acting. Maybe they’re scared.

I am safe in relationship to that person.

Every way of being is OK, I can be with others and their requests or contact or words or the way they act….without panicking and overriding my own values.

I can handle it all, I can delight in it all.

Who would you be if you lived the turnaround that everyone’s behavior is acceptable?

I’d be so much more excited about every interaction. I’d move towards or away, but there wouldn’t be such fury about any of my actions.

Everything more fluid.

It doesn’t mean I have to LOVE everyone’s behavior. But it wouldn’t be so dang important.

That’s relationship heaven.

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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What Is Greater Than Violence? You May Be Surprised

What Is Greater Than Violence? Being Nothingness, The Greatest of All

Every month the Year of Inquiry group starts in on a new topic.

Yesterday…we began to look at where we create stories, assumptions, warnings, or angry reaction to whole groups of people.

You know, THOSE kinds of people.

We had an awesome collection to kick off our investigation. Inquirers had stressful thoughts about social climbers, fundamentalists, drivers who text, luxury hotel owners, men in power, and violent gamers.

So many images, scenes and frightening groups. For some reason, I always think of Nazi’s or white supremacists as a very frightening group. The people who made Maria and the VonTrapp family walk over the alps on foot and leave everything behind.

Those violent people.

Horrible.

It’s true they should never be like that, it’s true they are frightening, it’s true they are dangerous and creepy.

How do you react when you believe they are so dangerous?

Running. Hiding. Angry. Careful. Anxious. Sleepless.

When they are close, I think about them all the time. When they are far away, I forget, then remember. I try to keep myself safe. I protect this body. I hide.

Even if something happened on TV or in the movies, even if something happened long ago in my own life….I feel anxious in the present moment as I remember the violence. I want to push it away, get it out of my head.

But who would you be without the belief that no one should ever be violent?

It doesn’t mean you suddenly are saying you love violence. No one usually does.

Only without the belief it shouldn’t happen?

I notice without that belief, I can turn a little more towards studying violence. Remembering a traumatic moment. Opening to the memory. Aware that it’s just a picture in my mind, it’s not happening right now.

Nothing is happening right now.

Without the belief that violence should never, ever happen, I can stop calling the energy “violence”. I notice a fountain of fire come forth, and then recede. I watch my own anger roar out, then dissolve away.

I feel compassion suddenly, for those who feel so violent, so trapped and blocked and stuck that they would feel violence is their only way.

Isn’t that how I have also operated in the past? Berating myself, cutting myself down, flogging myself mentally with insults and criticism? Saying mean things internally to the people I love the most, too? Cussing, spitting, pushing people away? Assuming the worst?

“Can I stop raping myself and others with abusive thinking? If not, I’m continuing in myself the very thing that I want to end in you. Sanity doesn’t suffer, ever. Can you eliminate war everywhere on earth? Through inquiry, you can begin to eliminate it for one human being: you.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, after inquiry with the sweet YOI group this morning, I felt a deep compassion to those fighter people with guns, weapons, hatred, anger.

My love went through the atmosphere saying “peace is here, peace is here.”

I could see a ball of light surrounding Hitler, other dictators, terrible war happening right now in the world, violence.

Notice how you feel when you believe in power and love all mixed together….not passivity….not ignorance….

….but real unconditional silent love and how it holds everything.

You feel somehow all is well, no matter what.

Something bigger than “you”.

“Among the great things which are to be found among us, the Being of Nothingness is the greatest.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

Much love, Grace

 

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Eating Peace: Stop, Drop and Roll When Your Mind’s On Fire

Even though it seems crazy simple and like seriously? That could work?

Yes.

Your mind is going 924 miles per hour, believing the thought “I have to eat something!” or “I can’t take it anymore!” or “Emergency!”

If you find yourself in the middle of a craving, or starting to binge eat, try this:

 

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Feeling Juicy, Delicious Abundance–Oh Yes You Can!

The steps to wealth

The other day I was strolling through shops on a street in a gorgeous part of my town, a dear friend visiting who wanted to see the city.

As we entered a quiet boutique, my eyes glazed over.

I nonchalantly picked up a sweater and immediately turned the glossy, elegant black paper tag so I could see the price.

$853.

I’ve had this same reaction before.

Who shops here? Is this real?

Why?

Then the wheels start cranking on what kind of person would actually purchase this or be interested or blah blah, Hollywood influence, luxury, boring, waste….

….all my judgments streaming by at 260 kilometers per hour.

Sigh.

Money.

What it means. What it is. What it’s doing. Who’s doing what with it….

….my favorite! 

How much would I have to have, to feel comfortable paying almost a grand for a sweater?

No idea at this point. Maybe there is no amount, I just wouldn’t be interested, ever.

At least I caught myself. In fact there was some part of me just chuckling from the sidelines, noticing I love that sad, less-than not-enough money story.

I should have more, they should have helped, I didn’t do, they did, I need, they don’t, they’re lucky, I’m not, I want, I need, compare, distract, hopeless, sinking, anxious, frustrated, I will never.

Never.

A very sad story.

This “never enough” story comes along in many other arenas for people besides money.

My relationship, my possessions, my safety, my body, love.

Who would you be without that Never Enough story?

No story at all of the past, where something uncomfortable happened (whether five minutes ago or forty years ago) AND no story of the future, where something better will happen (whether in five minutes or in ten years)?

I’d be right here.

Now.

Only now. No other place.

Noticing the memory of a soft, gorgeous sweater with numbers written on a tag on it because someone made that up, just like all numbers and money.

I would notice I have so much, it’s crazy.

Abundance, silent energy, pulsing life, ecstasy, energy, images in my head, excited because I love money and I love this moment. I feel like money is juicy and delicious and like I could eat it.

Laughing at how hilarious my mind is to think of this.

Without the belief that I don’t have enough, need more, long for that time later when price tags won’t matter….

….there would be no incessant measuring of anything.

Oh such delight at even imagining no stressful story about money in this moment! No hunger for money! No hunger at all!

You can do this with anything.

Start to imagine.

Forget your sad story.

Even forgetting just a tiny bit…may send you skipping down the street.

Or you could just think of skipping, you don’t even have to actually do it.

“Without opening you door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without looking, achieve without doing a thing.” ~ Tao Te Ching #47

Ka-Boom. Right now, without doing a thing, I feel infinitely abundant. Unlimited. Generous!

You can too, right now.

Feel it?

Much love, Grace

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You Might Find Gold In Sixty Seconds

Yesterday morning I woke with a start.

One of those sudden in-breaths. Eyes Open BAM!

I FORGOT to change the clocks last night! Holy Smokes! What time is it!?! OMG my Eating Peace presentation is today! Quick!

The funny thing is….we were FALLING BACK in the clock time change.

Which means of course, I had an EXTRA hour. No need to jump. No need to sound the alarm.

Instead of 7 am, it was actually 6 am.

Weird, though, how there is a dramatic reaction, just for a split second instant, even though another 3 seconds later all is settled and clear.

Like some kind of residual shock bursting forth from a previous experience long ago of having the time wrong, probably during a spring season when the clocks are turned forward by an hour, and I arrived very late for something.

As I noted this inner jump, an urge to leap from bed to the kitchen to switch the clocks….I waited, recognizing all was fine….

….I became aware of how this kind of speedy quick physical all-body reaction happens with the very issue I was teaching about yesterday morning: troubles with food.

You feel upset, you feel anxious about health, you feel lonely, you have the thought you’re afraid of aging, or gaining weight, or what that person said to you.

You’re worried about money, stability, mistakes you’ve made, how you could have done better, expectations you have of yourself.

Maybe you’re worried about your long-term relationship, or never finding a partner.

Boom. You get scared. Maybe a craving enters your mind.

Wouldn’t a nice bowl of ice cream be good right now?

It’s so fast, it’s like what Scott Kiloby calls a “ghost image”. Fast as lightening.

Your mind gets freaked out for a second with reactivity, something fearful….

….and it moves very quickly into seeking whatever would be most comforting, soothing, distracting at a core, deep level.

Food. A cigarette. A glass of wine. Candy. Screen time. Ruminating. Obsessing. Repetitive Thinking.

In my case, I believed I was late, things were going WRONG, everything was collapsing, not working, a disaster.

What entered my mind was freaky thinking!

One tool I’ve shared with people wanting to understand themselves around their eating, become more aware of what happen when it comes to food or any compulsive behavior, is so simple, it seems ridiculous.

Count to 60.

Wait 60 seconds.

Seriously?

Yes.

Ask yourself if you really, really believe what’s going on right now in your head? Are you sure there’s something scary? Are you sure thinking, reaching, grabbing, or more thinking will help? Are you positive your images of a terrible future, or a mistaken past, are right?

Who would you be if you waited 60 seconds every time you had a stressful thought, before you took action?

I have found this practice to be incredible.

You don’t need to use it around food, if that’s not your escap-ish or addictive thing.

This can be whenever you have ANY kind of stressful thought.

How do you know you’re even having a stressful thought?

You don’t feel all that good. You feel anxious. You feel nervous. You feel unhappy. You feel like something’s missing.

Wait. Sixty. Seconds.

Don’t panic.

Don’t jump to conclusions.

Don’t go anywhere.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but the thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Who would I be yesterday morning, without the belief that I needed to be concerned about how my presentation and program would go?

That was my real nervous thought.

I want to help, I need to communicate clearly, I must be useful, it’s possible to fail, I might make a mistake, things could go wrong, this is uncertain because it’s a brand new program and way of offering something for me.

I turn my thoughts around as I consider what else I was afraid of in that morning moment (besides clocks and hours changing): all is well, things will go OK however they go, I am learning, I have a ton of great and valuable information, I do help already, I can communicate clearly, it is possible to succeed, I might make a correction, things could go right, this is certain.

Can you find turnarounds to your worries or concerns, in your life?

Can you find turnarounds in your fears of tomorrow, your sadness about yesterday? In what you think is missing? Or wrong?

Self-inquiry, I remember now, is not an idea, it is deep inside my body.

It’s in and around and across and between all of us, penetrating and surrounding and opening up all of us to this exact present moment.

Wait sixty seconds.

Feel yourself reading this…feel what else is here that knows you are supported, spacious, and free.

“If we run away from our sadness, if we turn our back on anger, if we deny fear its inherent right to be here, if we kick our pain out onto the cold, dark streets…How will we ever know that these weren’t precious gifts made of gold, forged in the fires of ourselves long ago?” ~ Jeff Foster

Thinking for a moment that I might be LATE, my thoughts jolting me out of bed….

….I actually had an hour of meditative contemplation for my webinar. I relaxed. I heard the rain pattering down. I sat in the quiet, quiet cottage. I imagined the sweet participants about to join with me. I wrote back to people on email.

I let go into the unknown.

The unknown gold of the moment.

You don’t have to know, either.

Maybe not knowing, not reacting so fast, is even more fun. Try it and see.

Much love, Grace

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War Torn Home….Fighting Begins Over House Cleaning

householdchoresarefun
Could household chores be fun? Especially for you?

“I hate your storage tubs! You can’t have them in here! They’re so ugly!”

That’s what came out of my mouth when speaking to my dear husband just the other day.

I was standing in the doorway to the cute little room in our cottage that serves as a guest room, office, the room for my son when he’s home from college.

My husband had three huge rubbermaid green tubs, the size of large cardboard boxes, piled in there. Plus two actual cardboard boxes with stuff inside.

They had been in there a couple of weeks. The bedding and mattress were leaning up against the wall, covering an entire large window so the room was darkish.

I had walked past the open door to the room daily, and thought “We need to move forward with this project of changing the room around. So trashy looking! Like someone can’t finish moving in!”

The thought repeated itself every time I looked in.

Ugh. It looks like a storage closet. Unwelcoming.

It looks like a hoarder’s house. We could be on TV on that show about nut cases who keep everything piled in boxes along the hallways, who collect junk and pay for storage units.

No offense if you like keeping stuff. I tend to lean the opposite, being of the purger sort of mind, and that’s not always peaceful either.

But here’s where my mind went in a matter of maybe 24 seconds.

We aren’t compatible. This is NOT working. 

He needs his own place to live because he likes rubbermaid tubs in the house.

Heh. Heh.

How do I react when I believe someone should place objects or see household items differently than I do?

Oh boy. Such an imperfect world. These people who live around here….

They should empty the dishwasher, they should put their dishes IN the dishwasher, they should wipe the counter, they shouldn’t break my favorite mug, they should empty the garbage when its full, they should put their clothes in their bedroom, they should put their mail somewhere else besides the dining room table, they shouldn’t leave their shoes here, they should turn down that noise, they should close the shower curtain.

The other day a client said “my husband has his crap all over the dining room table, day after day, not moving it! I HATE THIS!”

She had said the same thing five years ago.

Um.

Who would you be without the belief that there is something out of order, and those people should agree?

Woah…without that belief?

Suddenly, I am laughing at the total goofiness of my extremely bizarre conclusions.

I apologize to my husband, and I mean it.

The next day, I take 90 minutes having a blast (seriously) moving the tubs into a closet, boxes into the shed, a few items into drawers, adjusting the furniture, making up the bed with clean sheets, changing lightbulbs, vacuuming, dusting, emptying garbage.

It is sooooo fun.

No one else has to participate in this wonderful activity except for me, the one who noticed it, the one who cares.

“I hate my thoughts which hold onto rigid ideas, keeping them protected in rubber storage tubs! I don’t want them in here! They’re so ugly!”

I chuckle at that little mind so interested in being a victim of other peoples’ movements. Even one man setting a box down can get that victim mind over-excited.

Missing out how much I love to clean, make things pretty, create a gorgeous environment around me. And it doesn’t have to happen yesterday (bossing my own self) either. Things can take the pace they take, the pace that’s possible.

I almost missed it!

“If I want my children to hear me, I’m insane. They’re only going to hear what they hear, not what I say. Let me see, maybe I’ll filter their hearing: ‘Don’t hear anything but what I say.’ Does that sound a little crazy to you?…’Hear what I want you to hear, hear me.’ Insane. And it just doesn’t work….I want them to hear what they hear. I’m not crazy anymore. I’ve a lover of what is.” ~ Byron Katie

If I want my husband to see exactly what I see, and my kids, and have us all agree 100% about what we see and what it means, I’m insane.

I mean really? I want them to suffer because of green storage tubs stacked up in a room, or a dish in the sink? Seriously?

The war can end with me.

Done.

Much love, Grace