Month: June 2014

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Journaling Brings On The End Of Overeating

Yesterday I mentioned the Dreaded Journal.

You know what I’m talkin’ about right?

Well, OK, if you don’t…..it’s the journal I ask people who are investigating their relationship to eating to write in and keep close.

It works for other addictive processes just as well. ANY addictive or unconscious, overwhelming process where it seems like a demon takes over. Or some craving, compulsive, gripping urge is felt (like in love addiction, for example).

When I went to a therapist to continue my journey to healing from terrible binge-purge episodes and enormous cravings for food, or starvation routines, she introduced the idea of keeping a journal to me.

A Binge Journal.

Can’t we just talk about stuff so that I feel relieved, so that I feel better?

Do I have to write down what was going on when I binged, craved, overate, stuffed myself with food, vomited, over-exercised?

Ewww. I don’t want to see that in writing. Too exposed. Too embarrassing.

Too sick.

But she kept asking if I bought a special journal, every week when I came to see her. At first I forgot to get one every week, then I avoided it.

And of course, I finally bought one.

I wanted to learn, I wanted to stop doing what I was doing.

It was red leather, with no letters of any kind on the outside. Very thin, with beautiful college-ruled lines on the inside. I used my black felt-tip pen, my favorite.

In a journal of this kind, you are studying your own mind, without demanding that it change.

You’re seeing the worst, the disgusting, the outrageous, the terrible, the horrifying.

I wrote what I ate, what I appeared to crave (sometimes it was just anything consumable), and then….

(the gold)….

….what I was feeling and/or thinking before the cravings began.

This was studying the cycle, instead of trying to forget about it.

Investigating what I was frightened of, or concerned about, or what I wanted to “forget” or “avoid”. Just like the journal itself.

Here’s the interesting thing that happened:

I wrote if I had any urge to binge, or about a binge I just had (always the case in the beginning that I wrote AFTER I was through the binge-eating-purging cycle).

Nothing changed at first.

Then I began to re-read some of my journaling entries, from previous days and weeks. My therapist asked me to look through the sections and read them out loud, or tell her what I was noticing.

Ah….interesting.

Two weeks ago when I began eating after work, and ate all the way home in my car, and went straight to my room after passing my roommates in the kitchen…

…I had been frightened and angry because of the way my boss talked to me that morning.

The week before, one of my best friends got upset with me for ignoring his calls for a day, and later I had felt anxious in a similar way as when my boss spoke to me (resistant, angry, frightened) and wound up binge-eating.

The Saturday before that, I had talked with my parents long-distance and heard in their voices their wish that I would start paying my own student loans, but I knew I made so little money I didn’t know how to “fix” that problem and got scared…..and wound up overeating.

OMG! I have a problem with feeling fear!

Now…I had a clearer belief to question:

If you’re afraid, it’s awful. Feeling like you’re in danger is intolerable. All these things in my life are very frightening. Therefore I must find relief from life. Too scary.

EAT!

But who would you be without the thought that feeling fear is intolerable? That you have to do something quick to alter yourself if you feel fear?

I’d feel the buzzing, fluttering, uncomfortable sensations of “fear”. It moves through the center of my body like a wave sending out signals, in my torso.

I’d notice that it’s not serious, it’s not the worst thing that ever happened, it’s only sensations, feelings.

I may not even call it “fear”.

“It’s what you are believing that causes stress in your life…When we’re believing something is scary, the mind will give you all the proof and images so that you cannot think beyond it. That is what the mind worships! It has to worship what its believing, otherwise who am I? I don’t know! But we have some identity here, even though terrified, we think we have some safety here.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is scary, I notice how safe I am in the moment.

“In my view, there is no way to speak maturely about recovering from addiction without first seeing what it’s all about.  It’s about the avoidance of painful or unpleasant thoughts, emotions, and sensations.  Really sitting with emotions and sensations, without thought on them, is needed….When all emotions and sensations are seen to be temporary energies that pass when you place no thought on them, the avoidance stops.  And so the addiction naturally releases itself.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Studying yourself, keeping a journal, noticing what is happening in the moment you crave….can be a door opening into relaxation and ending the cycle.

You might like it…

Love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace teleclass will begin, in new revised longer format, in August. Stay tuned for more information.

 

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How To Work With Depression

Sometimes people ask me to write about special topics they feel confused or unhappy about.

I love it when that happens.

The other day an inquirer asked me to write about depression, and not really understanding why.

In some ways, most feelings start out without full explanation.

They envelope the body, course through our torso, our face feels hot, our stomach fluttery.

What does depression feel like?

I remember it well.

Like a huge volume dial has been turned down to one, where it was once at a ten, all around the heart. This quiet, dead feeling expanded down my arms and legs.

Tired, heavy, curled over in the gut, feeling like I couldn’t stand up.

The word depression sounds like it feels…..pressed down deeeeep.

Long ago a therapist, or perhaps a workshop leader, said depression was anger or grief imploding inwards.

Trapped, stuck, flattened.

But I don’t want to turn it outwards! That would result in raging at other people, or sobbing my eyes out, expressing how disturbing I find the world, acting crazy….right?

I can’t just start FEELING right in front of everyone!

Can I?

If you find the very idea horrifying, there is a way to slow this process of uncovering and taking the pressure off the implosion slowly, one thought by one thought at a time.

Like easing the air out of a big blown up balloon.

Don’t go thinking you’ll have to identify 1480 thoughts before the depression lifts, that’s just another depressing thought.

So here goes:

If your feeling of depression could talk and you set it in a chair, looking like a big lump of gray mottled nasty something, what would it say?

What are the ideas it has about what hurts, what feels painful, what you object to?

  • Life is difficult
  • I can’t stand “x”
  • My work situation is “y”
  • My family life is unpleasant because “z”
  • What I really hate about life is “q”

Once you have that first idea, write why you think this thought.

Find your proof.

Don’t talk yourself out of the exercise and say it’s not all that bad, you already know life is good, you were just kidding.

Pretend you’re not kidding.

“Life is difficult”.

Why? Make a list. Write what seems difficult about being alive here on planet earth.

See if you can make it personal, as in, what is difficult for YOU about being here.

If you give yourself only 15 minutes to write, give or take a few minutes, you will follow the breadcrumbs to what ails you, what you’re believing and thinking at a deep level.

You will have one step on this dark journey taken, like driving on a foggy, foggy road with headlights on very slowly going 5 mph. It doesn’t matter that you’re moving so slowly, and it’s so hard to see. You still see something.

You’re moving.

Here’s the good news: nothing stays the same.

It may feel like you’ve been depressed for months, years. But no feeling, not even joy, is full powered on 24/7.

Once you have one thought, the one on top, you can take it through inquiry.

Get someone to facilitate you. Write out your answers. Call me, Grace, and make an appointment for an individual session, I’d be honored to work with you.

Most of all, while you’re exploring the darkness…let it stay there.

Don’t try to push it away or turn on all the lights at once. If they’re going to do that, they will in due time all by themselves.

Welcome the darkness, the depression. Have tea with it. It’s hear for an important reason, with something significant to say.

You don’t want to get rid of it too soon to understand its message.

“For a tree’s branches to reach to heaven, it’s roots must reach to hell.” (medieval alchemical dictum)

 Deep breath. Go. No expectations.

“It’s good that it hurts. Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,
Grace
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That Troubling Way It Went? It Should Have Gone That Way

That shouldn’t have happened.

How many times have you thought this, in life?

Well….I’ve had it run through my head a gazillion times from the peanut gallery in my mind.

Boy, that really would have been better if it hadn’t happened….

…..what do you think, Peanut Gallery Committee Member B?

Oh, I agree 100%! And how about you, Committee Members C, D, and E?

Absolutely! That shouldn’t have happened! We all agree!

Just look at all the alternative possibilities that are available instead, if THAT hadn’t happened!

But…..what if instead of seeing how clearly something would be better if it hadn’t gone the way it did….

….instead, you found the benefits of the event or circumstance or situation going exactly as it went.

This is what is sometimes called the “living turnaround” in Byron Katie’s work.

I find advantages to what happened, instead of focusing on the disadvantage, concerns, fears.

It’s not positive thinking, or a type of orientation that tries to pretend something didn’t happen at ALL, or cover over the original painful thought. It’s not denial, looking on the bright side, putting a smile on a terrible situation, blah blah.

This is being open to a genuine, authentic openness to benefits coming out of the most troubling situations.

“The sense that things should be other than they are, is suffering.” ~ Wayne Liquorman

Yesterday in Summer Camp, a group of inquirers joining teleconference calls to question their beliefs together as a practice during the summer, looked at this very stressful concept where we really think something should NOT have gone the way it did.

Ouch. Agony.

When thinking that belief to be true, that something shouldn’t be as it is (or was) inquirers in the Summer Camp call reported feeling churning in the stomach, a sharp pain in the throat, jabs in the ribs, anger, rage, wanting to quit, hopelessness.

No hope. What’s the use?

But to truly consider who you would be without the conviction that something should have gone differently?

And then to even find the advantages that it should have gone as it did?

Quite a mind-blower.

This is what people discovered: It should have gone that way because…

…it gives me great opportunity to understand my own pain, my own difficult past and history, to feel better, to notice how I did the best I could (and so did everyone else), to loosen my grip on the need to control or manage things, to allow everything to be as it was, as it is, to let go completely.

“The I-know mind is very painful. It tries to run things like a dictator, and life goes on without it. And all sadness is a tantrum. It’s the war with God, the war with reality–all sadness. And you lose. So turn it around.” ~ Byron Katie

It should have gone that way, because I would never be here right now, writing this, sitting here, living in this particular moment if it hadn’t.

Even with all the Committee Members chiming in.

Much love, Grace

 

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Website Abuse Suspension Drama

 

Breitenbush retreat is nearly here and we have at the last minute an open spot, but only for one man to share a cabin with another man who is already registered.

Call Breitenbush if you know you’re the one 504-854-7174.

Otherwise, we’re full to the max….but stay tuned for future opportunities, there will be others.

****

Turns out my website is frozen because of something technical about CPUs and caches.

I have no idea what it means, even after reading the articles they sent, so I’ll be finding help soon.

But I noticed I didn’t like the words the hosting site sent, letting me know this shut-down thing was happening.

“Your account is abusing CPU resources…”

My account is abusing something? Whaaaaat?!

How could this be happening?

Immediately came the thoughts: they should have told me sooner before reaching this critical point, they should have explained the problem better, they didn’t give me enough time, they shouldn’t use the word ‘abusing’, this is bad for my business, people won’t find my website, Grace Notes can’t go out, this is terrible!

As these thoughts rise, some have a little more juice than others, but I’m not really all that bothered.

Until I read something about being suspended and I have visions of my website getting wiped out by someone since it’s been abusing something, somehow.

All my hard work and learning, gone in a flash!

Is that true, that it’s gone, or even suspended, forever?

No.

Who would I be without the belief that it’s all gone, wiped out, suspended for reasons I don’t know, destroyed?

Ready to make a simple phone call to my hosting company. Taking the next steps to resolve it.

Relaxing.

If it really was gone, I have a back up. I would start over, I could rewrite some of the pages. I could get some simple help.

Who knows?

To even relax a little with less drama, trust, an open mind…

…there is a calm that enters.

Willing not to know, and knowing I’m about to learn something new.

No need to imagine anything really, just moving forward with the obvious next step with no alarm, no panic, no house on fire, no emergency.

Call Customer Service Support.

“There’s a sense of order that goes on all the time as things move and change, and I am that harmony, and so are you. Not knowing is the only way to understand.” ~ Byron Katie

I love even in the middle of technical problems, phone conversations, business tasks….

….harmony and beauty.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Freedom To Be Angry

He is soooo bad at planning! So irresponsible! What was he thinking?! ARRRRGGGGHHH!

These thoughts were running through my mind two days ago when I went to pick up my son from his dorm check-out ending his second year in college.

Dorm check-out is when yellow-vested staff come through with a clip board and examine the empty, clean dorm room for damage, and to make sure every lamp and piece of furniture is intact.

Notice the words “empty” and “clean”.

His check-out appointment was set for 1:45 pm. I arrived at 1:25 after a 90 minute drive knowing it would take about 20 minutes to load his all his things in the little pick-up truck I had borrowed.

Opening the door of his room, I saw my son, I saw the bed piled with his rumpled bedding…..

….I gasped.

I saw a completely lived-in NOT packed room. Not one thing packed for moving out.

All the clothes in his closet on hangers, the dresser still full, his bookshelves piled high, his desk covered with books and study materials, the mini-fridge containing food, the wall still covered with posters, the cupboard full of kitchen items, his stereo and speaker system still hooked up for music.

Not. One. Thing. Packed.

Stunned, I went into high gear problem-solving mode. After saying with shock in my voice “you didn’t pack yet? I thought we talked about that you would have everything in boxes last night!!!”

I left out the *you moron* part at the end.

As I started stuffing pillow cases and his laundry basket full of his things, I said firmly to my son to go find some boxes and get his bicycle into the truck.

I could feel the pump of anger coursing through. I had an important meeting I planned on attending back home in 3 hours and very determined to be there on time (ha ha fat chance).

As I dashed back and forth between room and truck parked in loading zone outside I noticed other parents, and their sons and daughters.

Those parents look happy! Their kids didn’t do this. Those other kids were packed. They are enjoying this end-of-year moving out moment.

When things like this happen, it can be both infuriating and discouraging.

You are enraged at someone you absolutely adore.

And on top of it all, you might think you shouldn’t be so angry, you should relax a little, right?

This is an interesting place for inquiry.

I need to stop being angry, I really should. Nothing can be done anyway. 

Is that true?

Long ago when I was really into my first two years of doing The Work I was doing what felt like the same worksheet over and over again on a man. Don’t get me started!

I asked Byron Katie how to get over it. “I’m still so angry!” I told her.

She said “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

Oh! It’s normal to feel anger? Oh!

Anger rises, in this human being. Nothing wrong with it, it is part of reality.

The way I react when I think I should NOT be angry, when I am, feels like an inner ongoing battle.

Hold it in, don’t express.

But who would you be without that thought that this energy called anger is unacceptable?

Feeling it, freely.

Noticing I don’t start calling anyone names, I’m not killing anyone, I don’t need to overeat or drink or smoke (these don’t even occur to me in fact). I’m simply on fire and watching fears and inconveniences and reality collide within.

And below it, the whole entire time, seeing everything is absolutely wonderfully OK….even amusing.

In the truck, later, I say to my son “this will be really funny story later on.”

He leans his head on my shoulder and says “sorry mom, I won’t ever do that again.”

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to stop being angry, and I shouldn’t (until I am). Anything can be done (it’s not hopeless).

Some time between the discovery of the unpacked room and an hour and a half later driving away with a fully packed truck, the anger dissolved.

The energy had been used perfectly for moving fast, furiously, lifting, carrying, jogging down the hall, in and out, holding doors, piling boxes.

Feeling how strong I am.

“I’ve found that the truth of who we are can and does use all the emotions. Anger is an energy that can be used in a wise way. Mostly we experience anger out of divisiveness, a battle between two opposing forces. But one can experience anger that comes from wholeness rather than division. Once you’ve experienced it, you know the difference. We don’t need that energy very often, but when it’s needed, it will come.” ~ Adyashanti

Resting in whatever is happening, now, and noticing how amazing it all is, even in the middle of hot frustration, is so exciting.

And it’s the truth of who you are. Noticing all is well, no matter what.

Even if you got all pissed off about something.

Halleluia.

Much love, Grace

 

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If You’re Moving, Remember You Live Everywhere

One of my favorite experiences is investigating past “incidents” by going mentally back in time, identifying a painful moment, and questioning what I thought was happening back then.

It’s a little trick move.

You’re in the present, remembering, and bringing the four questions to the past.

(Of course, this is almost always what self-inquiry actually is).

I’m in our family ford van parked in the driveway, and have been sitting here for while, motor off, boxes and suitcases and camping gear piled high in the back seat.

My three sisters are in their seats as well. We have cards and our favorite long-trip bingo board game where you pull the amber-tinted window over a picture, once you spot what’s in the picture.

I’m ready for the competition.

My parents approach the car and get in. My dad turns on the ignition.

“Goodbye, house!” says my mom.

We begin to back out of the warm driveway, already heating up in the Kansas summer, my parents rolling down their windows.

Suddenly I am panicked and want to spring from the van, open the door, run inside. I want to run through the big yard with the goldfish pond.

I can’t stand saying goodbye to our amazing tree house, colored everywhere inside with crayons.

My dad cranks the wheel then puts the van in forward gear. I turn my neck to watch the big green beautiful house until I can’t see it anymore.

That was the last time I ever saw that house.

It felt like my life was torn apart at that moment. I repeated my best friend’s address in Lawrence over and over so I’d never forget where she lived.

But from this point, 40 years later, I do The Work.

I see vividly the situation and hold it in my childhood mind as I identify my thoughts. They are not so different than supposedly grown-up thoughts I’ve had off and on my entire life.

Leaving is terrible and traumatic. Staying is better. You can’t stay connected when you part. You lose your bond. Remaining in one place is easier, more peaceful.

Is that true?

Answer from your childhood age.

My answer is YEEEEEESSSSSSS!!! Agony!!!

(With exclamation points).

Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Can you be sure you’re losing your connection, your bond with this place? Are you sure staying is easier and will be better?

No. The kid inside me can actually answer “no”. Not even sure what I’m afraid of.

So who would you be without that belief? If you couldn’t even think that staying is better, leaving is worse, connection is lost because you’re moving away?

I’d feel what is connected, no matter where I stand.

“When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast. As the experience of the Unknown deepens, your boundaries begin to dissolve. You realize, not just intellectually but on a deep level, that you have no idea who or what you are. A few minutes ago, you knew who you were–you had a history and a personality–but from this place of not knowing, you question all of that.” ~ Adyashanti

The opposites are truer:

Leaving is wonderful and thrilling. There is no better or worse, there is simply leaving, and staying. You can stay connected when you part. You gain your bond. You already do remain in one place, what really matters is unmovable and never changing. 

All those partings were expressions of a powerful experience, love, gratitude, appreciation.

Now changing form. A new house, a different partner, a changed situation. Everything coming and going and moving, with it’s own flow and pace.

“Stop thinking, and end your problems. What difference between yes and no? What difference between success and failure? Must you value what others value, avoid what others avoid? How ridiculous!….Other people have what they need; I alone possess nothing. I alone drift about, like someone without a home. I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty….I am different from ordinary people. I drink from the Great Mother’s breasts.” ~ Tao Te Ching #20

As a kid, I notice I love my new home, the new city, new friends, family growing and changing.

Deep within, all very content, undisturbed, at home everywhere.

Do you have that same “I” in you that lives from the center of all things, not one special home outside yourself, not this place or that place (although they are all precious)?

Yes, you do.

Much love, Grace

 

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Happiness Is Giving Up How They Should Change

A long time ago I had a male friend who was super quiet. Very shy.

I had the thought from time to time that he was too passive and dweeby.

The other day I was reading a sweet book called The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce.

The main character is an unassuming man, quiet, very careful, teetotaler, risk-averse. You’d probably call him shy. British and contained.

I’ve always loved many things about this type of character, having spent time in England as a child. I was born in London. (I’m a British citizen even though you wouldn’t know it from my accent. I sounded British when I was seven though).

But as I was reading, I also noticed a few memories surface.

Of my dad, of course…..and then spreading on from that original implant or impression to other men with that stereotypical personality of reservedness.

He should stop being so freakin’ careful, for crying out loud!

He should speak the truth, look up, not be afraid of confrontation, say no when he means it, say yes when he means it, ask for what he needs, pursue what he wants!

God, what a waste of time being careful and holding BACK!!!

Oh. (Clearing throat).

Got carried away for a second. Apparently this gentle character in the story I’m reading set me off into memory-ville about my long lost friend…and my dad…and other men I’ve known.

Apparently there’s a pattern here.

These men should stop being so careful…is that true?

Why would I want that? What does it mean about them, about me, when I perceive them as too careful?

If someone keeps their thoughts and feelings bottled inside and is constantly frightened of confrontation, what’s really bad about that?

They would dissolve into nothingness, never make a difference, they would have a pointless life, they wouldn’t matter, they wouldn’t make an impact, or connect with others (or with me).

And why would THAT be a bad thing?

Because it feels disconnected, lost, distant, apathetic…

….unloving, uncaring.

Oh boy. We’re back to the old underlying belief “he doesn’t care about  me.”

Let’s take a look again today.

He or she doesn’t care about me.

Is that true?

Yes. If they cared, they’d be willing to reach out, stop caring so much about only themselves and how nervous they are, and relax for once. They’d take a stand. They’d talk, ask questions, respond, write, call, reach out.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that this character trait, this way of being (controlled emotions, careful, suppressed) is really bad? Are you sure it means someone doesn’t care?

No.

How do you react when you think someone should be bolder than they are, when they should spit it out, talk, or stop being shy or nervous?

Frustrated! Guilty! Furious! Demanding!

I’d be like Harold’s son in the story I’m reading. Angry and disgusted.

I growl. It’s really not that fun.

So who would you be without the belief that those people should stop being so careful? And show they care?

Something gentle happens inside.

Letting everyone be exactly the way they are. Doing what they do, acting like that, so proper and controlled and withholding or whatever.

I see how kind and patient they are. Willing to not know, to be confused, to wait. I see how much they care, and also that it doesn’t matter really, if they care or if they don’t.

Turning the thoughts around: those men should not stop that way of being, they should be just as they are. I am the one who should stop being careful and withholding, who should show how much I care about them.

Instead of feeling critical, I might notice what I appreciate about them.

I should care about myself, and if I desire speaking up, then do it.

I should express, feel, show, be who I am without hesitation, without controlling myself, without fear, and with compassion.

“She doesn’t expect results, because she has no future. She realizes the efficiency, the necessity of the way of it, how full it is, how rich, beyond any concept she could have of what it should be. In that realization her life is always renewed. She herself is the way of it, always opening to what comes, always contented.” ~ Byron Katie

If I am always open to what comes…and here comes the uptight nervous proper one…I can give him a big huge hug because I notice he is so adorable, so tender, soft, easy, patient, concerned, and thoughtful.

He is strong, resilient, direct and simple, loving and caring. That’s also true.

Today I live the amends to my father, loving the quiet sweet men I have in my life who are so brilliant, yielding and open.

Noticing the support they’ve given.

“Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

 

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Standing On Your Own Two Feet

Year of Inquiry Master Mind Program (YOI) is beginning in September. It’s not open for registration yet, but I’ve started getting a lot of questions about it.

YOI is a whole year of doing The Work with a group primarily via phone/skype, meeting in person for a weekend retreat in our first month together (Sept 19-21) and then again for five days in May 2015 in Seattle.

This is deep practice of The Work for twelve months. We show up. We contemplate. We support one another. You do your work by answering the four questions.

There is no teacher except yourself and your fellow guides on the journey. I am here to share my experience and to facilitate The Work.

Your mind is the investigated and investigator. And through this, you see who you are without your beliefs.

(It’s really good).

I used to feel terrified to think of me all by myself being the only true teacher. I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea.

Little me? Seriously? The one who screws up, makes mistakes, and feels frightened? But I’m not substantive enough!

Being the wise center of my own reality sounded way too….SMALL.

Surely, this person who is me is not enough….this person seems so insignificant, so temporary, so unaccomplished, like something’s missing.

There are other teachers who are so much more advanced, powerful, visionary, confident, peaceful, divine, awakened.

So I kept going to hang out with them.

And then something happened. I realized all my favorite teachers were saying the very same thing.

Love yourself, unconditionally. You are the one you’ve been waiting for. Enlightenment is standing on your own two feet.

“Stop trying to have someone else’s experience. Stop chasing freedom or happiness, or even spiritual enlightenment. Stand in your own shoes, and examine closely: What’s happening right here and right now? Is it possible to let go of trying to make anything happen?” ~ Adyashanti

One of the most significant ways to enter yourself and feel what’s happening now, and let go of trying to capture something, is to stop taking your troubled thinking so seriously. How can you do this?

Question your thinking, of course. Question everything.

Do The Work as a practice, a process of enlightening yourself one story at a time.

“When it is time to get up, you get up. Not one second too early or too late. There are two ways to lie there, or get up. One is in peace, and one is in stress. We stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Everything else is just a story. Stories are wonderful, unless they become nightmares. A nightmare is anything that frightens you, the war with what is.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are wanting to practice the glorious experience of questioning your nightmares, or anything that frightens you (even a tiny bit) you can start right now.

You are enough, all by yourself, to see your stories and question your thinking. And if you’re in a hurry, connect with others to do it.

If it brings you joy to imagine support in this process, if you’d like to connect with your inner world and sincere inquirers, committed to doing it together, then maybe Year Of Inquiry (YOI) is for you.

This is not a support group, although you will find immense support….it is about questioning your reality, when it hurts.
Perhaps the most powerful thing you can ever do to change your world.
Registration for YOI will open later in the summer, but it will be limited–only 12 people per telegroup (there are two groups, Tuesday mornings and Thursday late afternoons Pacific Time).


To read more about it, click HERE.

I can’t wait to meet you.

Much love, Grace

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If That Feeling Could Talk

It’s uncanny the power of the mind to deflect, go unconscious, blank out or skip like an error in a recording, just for a quick second.

Even though it’s so brilliant, smart, and fast as lightening…..we’ll say things like “it slipped my mind” or “I don’t know what came over me” or “suddenly I felt really creeped out (or smitten) for no apparent reason” or “it makes no sense, I did it anyway”.

Unconsciousness is defined in modern psychology as a part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but still affects how you’re acting and feeling.

If you do something unconsciously, it’s like you did it without planning it, without intent, it was being directed by some other zone in your mind rather than upfront logic or conscious awareness.

And it was odd or unusual….it’s sort of mysterious.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung loved studying this “unconscious” mind, they were basically the founders of using the term in this particular way we all know now.

Back stories, missing puzzle pieces of why we act weird or feel bad.

Or why we’re addicted. To craving, or wanting, or love.

One huge and powerful advantage of doing The Work for me personally has been the way it draws out unconscious dredge, maybe from long ago, and brings it to light for examination.

And as these things are seen….the process of unconscious reactions in any form falls away.

“If you’re upset and you can’t seem to find the thought behind the emotions, try this: Take some time to travel inwardly to the place where the feeling is most intense. Sink into the physical sensation of the feeling. Let yourself be upset, for your own sake, and give it a voice. If the feeling could talk, what would it say?” ~ Byron Katie

Here’s an example.

Let’s say someone sort of disturbs you, even though you don’t know them all that well. Or the reverse, you’re fascinated by someone and feel compelled to hang around them as much as possible, like a groupie crush or something.

Hold that person in your mind, and see them doing what they do that you find repulsive or mesmerizing. Sometimes, this is a flash of a picture, it goes by so fast.

Blow it up big. Let it talk.

In an exercise class I took for awhile several years ago, there was a guy who was really handsome and really quiet.

He appeared melancholy and brooding. Strong and tough looking, with sideburns.

Kinda edgy like….dangerous. I pictured going out for drinks with him, even though I hardly ever drank alcohol much anymore.

(Retroactive clue).

I wrote out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the image of that man.

My Judge Your Neighbor worksheet contained these following stressful thoughts:

I am nervous around that guy because he’s intense, foreboding, dark and mysterious.

I want him to talk to me, but gently. I want to get to know him.

He should stop brooding or acting all stormy and rough. He should lighten up. He should be more open.

I need him to be interested in me. I need him to be happy. I need him to be sincere, loving, direct, spiritual, mature, and clear.

He’s been hurt, he’s cautious, a fighter, violent, funny, uptight.

I don’t ever want him to kill or hurt me, anyone else, or himself.

Yes, even though I didn’t know his name, I had feelings and thoughts popping all over the place about this man in the corner.

I noticed….I’ve had curiosity and interest about some of the same qualities in Other Men before.

Gosh, what a coincidence.

I took a look at the most disturbing qualities: brooding and dark.Like he was hungry for connection, but haunted at the same time.

He should be more open, relaxed, mature. Not haunted. 

Is it true?

Yah I’m pretty sure that would be better all around.

Can you absolutely know this is true, for sure?

No. I’m not even sure he is NOT open, relaxed and mature. I’m definitely assuming a lot.

How do you react when you think someone should be more relaxed, grown up, open? What would you have if they were like that? What would it mean?

How I react is I’m waiting, wondering, hoping, hyped-up. I think it would be awesome, when I actually have NO IDEA. I think it would mean all is well and….

….suddenly I get the picture in my head of my dad being depressed, sad, staring out the window at the sky. Not saying much.

If only he were happy, everything would be OK. A very insidious unsettled worry would finally be resolved. I wouldn’t feel so separated.

Who would I be without that belief, that he should be open, or that he isn’t?

I wouldn’t assume he isn’t approachable, or forlorn, or feeling lost or sad. How would I know? Jeezus.

Plus, it’s not exactly any of my business.

If I just landed here from another planet, and felt perfectly content and excited to explore, I would breathe deeply and relax, and notice everyone, not just the brooders in this situation.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around: I should be more open, relaxed and mature…when it comes to that man in the corner…when it comes to my dad.

Those men should be exactly as they are, nothing is absent, nothing is required, no improvement necessary.

Wow, now that is different. Very, very different.

No tendrils of energy reaching out over to there, no grasping, no waiting, no hoping, no fingers-crossed, no wishing.

“I stopped waiting for the world to give me what I wanted. I started giving it to myself instead.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice what I wanted from my dad…connection, conversation, honesty, laughter, joy, guidance, no need for addictive thinking…and I begin to discover it inside myself.

And with this work, looking clearly, looking carefully, I notice one day….oh. No more brooding, haunted, sad men in my life.

Or was it me who changed?

Much love, Grace

 

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Be A Star Without A Name

One of my all-time favorite experiences in my life is connecting with my fascinating family. I have an awesome father (who hasn’t been alive in physical form for 24 years), a dynamic, enthusiastic mother who travels the world, and three truly amazing sisters.

And there have been moments. Shall we say.

Every single person in my family of origin (FOO as we call it) has had their thoughts, little irritations, bigger arguments, concerns, sadness, and fears about other members of the family.

Dang, those people close to us, related to us, are powerful teachers.

When I’ve spent time with my family in large gatherings, I love noticing the small eddies and zaps of thought that arise inside as commentary, or sensations: I like that, I don’t like this, I want more of that, I don’t care about this, she thinks, he says, they should….

So quick the movements towards and away, back and forth, here and there, thinking, feeling.

When you go to a group event, who would you be without the belief that there was anything missing in your family or those people gathered in the room?

Without the belief that what you think about any of the people around you, if you’re thinking something stressful, is true?

“In each moment of every day, Truth is not lacking or held in abeyance for some later date; it is given in full measure, and abundantly so. Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the belief that what I’m thinking is absolute and real and complete about the people around me, I look around with intense curiosity. What a fascinating place!

Could Truth be right here, right now, no matter what my mind has to say about it?

Yes. Oh! Of course! Wow! Sparkles!

Turning the thought around: I move away or toward in perfect timing, liking and not liking comes and goes, nothing is missing in anyone here, nothing is wrong, nothing is lacking in this moment full of many people….and that includes me.

I take a very deep breath, drinking in the environment.

So gentle, restful, and kind.

Like a point of light inside the stomach and chest, glowing, spreading through the air and the sky, and along the floor under the legs of the chairs, permeating all these bodies of my family, the people at the barbecue, the people at the party, the dancers, the music playing, like an invisible energy force.

Reality tells me when it’s time to show up somewhere, when it’s time to leave the gathering, ask, talk, sit, delight, go, watch, listen, sleep, wake up.

Without the belief that stressful thoughts are true, who would I be, who would you be?

Pure joy. Amazed.

Like a shining star playing with other twinkling stars in the heavens, recognizing all the people and life I love.

When a baby is taken from the wet nurse,

it easily forgets her

and starts eating solid food.

Seeds feed awhile on ground,

then lift up into the sun.

Taste the filtered light

and work your way toward wisdom

with no personal covering.

That’s how you came here, like a star

without a name. Move across the night sky

with those anonymous lights.

~ Rumi

Much love, Grace