Month: June 2014

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Becoming Blind With Love

Month Four in Year of Inquiry Mastermind is all about complaining.

We get to complain about our everyday lives, those people, those circumstances….write it down….and then begin to look at what’s going on there when we grouse.

Yesterday as the YOI group wrote out who and what they complain about, one person said “I hate complainers!”

Oh boy. I’ve thought that.

Those griping, negative, sour, gossiping whiners! Jeez!

Give it a rest!

Hey, how about doing The Work on that complainer you know?

Let’s begin.

She should stop complaining.

Is it true?

Yes! I hate being around her. Annoying! Always finding what doesn’t work, rather than what does work!

Can you absolutely know that this is true, that she should stop?

No, not really. Sometimes, squeaky wheels get the grease. Sometimes there’s a deep important reason for the so-called complaining, an expression rising up, a voice, a need.

How do you react when you believe that person should stop complaining? What happens inside? How do you act around that person?

Rats. Did you have to ask me that?

I stew about her. I judge her. I think “what’s her *%#@! problem”? Such a downer! So pessimistic!

I feel like it will drive me bonkers and I want to run away from her. I call her names in my head. Controlling, pushy, bossy, complaining, rude.

“Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. As we move through life, other people appear to reflect back to us this core, deficient self. When this sense of deficiency is triggered in relationship, an emotional wound arises…..There’s a tendency to focus our attention outward toward others, as if they’re the source of pain. But others are just a mirror showing us what we believe about ourselves.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Gulp.

Who would I be without this belief, if I couldn’t even think the thought that she should stop being like that?

I pause and look at her, instead of getting the urge to bolt.

I watch her. She looks nervous. And concerned. She’s scared perhaps, and believing that if she speaks it will help.

Without any of these labels or evaluations….I’m back here with me, observing All This.

Rooted inside, connected to the earth. The room opens up, the sound of her voice seems quieter, and I notice other sounds as well.

I reach out to her with my hand and put it on her arm. If the complaining person isn’t in this room, I reach out in my heart with an energy that connects us.

I relax.

“We define enemies as those people who we believe caused or will cause our unhappiness. Neither anyone nor anything ever caused your unhappiness. Our belief that they had that power was the cause.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

I turn the thoughts around: she shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about her complaining, I should stop complaining about MYSELF.

She shouldn’t stop complaining: this is giving me something really powerful to look at. She’s expressing, just like all of creation. She’s offering something, being something.

Reality is: person saying things. She shouldn’t stop unless she does.

I should stop complaining about her: yikes, yes, I rattle on and on inside my head about her poor qualities. I avoid looking at myself while I ream her.

I should stop complaining about myself: Woah. Yes, like a deep core resistance inside, I felt upset the minute that complainer starts, like it’s too much for me, too hard, too upsetting, too too.

What if it is not too upsetting? What if I can be with it, no problem?

Yes, I could stop complaining that I can’t connect, be free, be intimate and love this person who is in my presence no matter what they do.

Because I can. It’s not so hard.

I can see how incredibly beautiful they are.

Can you?

“If you knew how important you are—and without the story you come to know it—you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

Much love, Grace

 

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Legitimate Reasons To Suffer

Recently my  days, including the Thursday Year of Inquiry group since that’s our topic for the month now, have been full of one after the other profound inquiries on some of the radical situations we go through in life: death, loss, whole communities suffering in civil unrest, poverty.

Sudden change occurs in life; someone gone unexpectedly, a whole country in revolution, a beloved pet killed, an apartment building burned to the ground, a family dying in a car wreck.

Upon reflecting on the amazing people who appear for inquiry in my life and their stories, I had the interesting thought:

It’s better if you know it’s going to happen, it’s better if you’re prepared.

Huh, I said to myself. That seems pretty true.

There are seminars on preparedness!

Like for wilderness survival, earthquakes, taking tests, interviews, retirement, giving birth, attending college.

The tricky part….and funny how the mind can FIND this to be tricky….is when you believe it’s better to be prepared for something you can’t actually prepare for.

Like “sudden” change, death, loss, social uprising, revolution, suffering, a diagnosis.

But I can feel the part of the mind that really believes in endless preparation. The one that thinks 3 degrees maybe aren’t quite enough, and more classes are needed, and if you just knew what to expect, it would be easier.

It’s kind stressy.

So who would you be without the belief that it’s better to be prepared for things that happen?

Without the belief that you could be MORE prepared than you are?

“But God can only smile because only God can know what is coming next.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Turning the thoughts around, I find most astonishing: It’s better to be right where I am, unprepared. It’s better not knowing when I don’t know.

Doesn’t that feel more exciting, more tender, more loving and kind?

So many things that I was spared from knowing, until later when I knew them.

So good I didn’t know, so good I still don’t know, right?

Some things are saved for later, for their perfect timing. Maybe the best is saved for last….death.

Maybe it isn’t “last”, just like everything else. And it’s obviously not necessary to know what’s next.

“You move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.” ~ Byron Katie

Truly incredible.

Much love, Grace

P.S. One camp spot open at Breitenbush in the beautiful glorious summer weather. We can squeeze you in if you can make it. June 25-29. Join us!

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Knock Knock, Who’s There? Eternal Nagging

I’ve mentioned before that the guy who’s often called the father of modern psychology, William James, is quoted as saying:

“There is nothing so fatiguing as the eternal nagging of an uncompleted task.”

But WE know it’s really about the eternal nagging of an “un-inquired thought.”

By that I mean a thought that keeps knocking…and knocking… and knocking on the door of our awareness….

…politely trying to get our attention at first.

Maybe just having a little sour feeling about some upcoming tasks.

Then you remember that incident with your mother, quite a long time ago, and you feel disturbed.

Then you have a startling moment with your teenager and the thought, you realize, is more present.

Cranking it from a gentle knock and a whisper…to a thump and a loud cough…to a louder, “HEY!,”….

And then you experience a shattering betrayal, a frightening accident, a dreadful loss.

The eternal nagging has become a scream, and it’ll kick the door down if we continue to ignore it.

It’s like the Ever Ready Bunny that keeps going…and going…and going…

Of course, I think a wonderful and safe place to “open the door,” acknowledge the knocking, and inquire into the thought and the pain, is to sit yourself down and do The Work.

You can do this in Summer Camp this summer, or a teleclass (Eating Peace will begin in a month, stay tuned), or in a Year of Inquiry if you’re serious about the practice of investigating thoughts, starting in September.

Begin by writing down what nags at you, what disturbs you. Visit your worries, invite them in.

Before they turn into really rowdy, difficult guests.

But even if they are difficult, you can do it.

Be better than well.

Much love, Grace

 

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Do You Think Someone Should Speak Up?

Yesterday morning a wonderful group of sincere inquirers called in to Summer Camp teleconference to question their stressful thinking.

The painful concept that appeared on someone’s worksheet was that someone they love should speak up.

I could relate immediately.

Have you ever had the thought that someone you care about should speak up? Say it? Stand up? Drop the quiet thing and ask for what they need?

Oh boy. I’ve had this moment with one of my kids, with a very good friend, with my dad…..and with myself.

I’ve even had people in my past say this to me, like….dang, you should give him a piece of your mind, you should tell her off, you should stand up for yourself!!!

But what every inquirer noticed in our group was that when you believe it to be true, and it’s not happening, you feel aggressive about it, frustrated, annoyed, pushy, anxious….

….and something about the whole desire for someone to speak up feels off.

You are against that person being as they are, all mute and quiet over there.

Some people feel that without the belief that speaking up should happen, then they would lose, be passive, be crushed, or be used.

It’s really helpful to ask yourself why speaking up needs to happen, from you or anyone. (And then you could ask yourself also why speaking up is frightening, if it is.)

But let’s look at that other person right now, who should speak up.

I once had a really great friend in college who was super crazy shy. Funny enough, he was also a performer, so he was on stage often. He rocked the house in theater.

But when stuff happened in his personal life, and he needed to make a request or state his point of view….he got really mumbling nervous and careful and hesitant.

He should speak up! Gawd! Spit it out!

Is it true?

Oh. Well. I’m not sure, truth be told. There could be good reasons why not talking is helpful, or waiting to speak is a calmer idea.

No, I guess it’s not true.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

Frustrated! Critical! I roll my eyes and don’t want to deal with him. I feel separate, and superior (yikes). Inside my head I’m noticing what a dorkish, weak, pathetic person he is. I think he’ll never get anywhere in life, even if he’s a good actor on stage.

Kind of intense!

But who would I be without the thought, in the presence of that person who should speak up?

A huge weight lifts off my chest, out of my heart. I feel lighter, relaxed. I notice the dearness of that person and how gentle they are, so willing to wait, be soft with words. Maybe they are confused, and yet they don’t fight or push.

I see someone doing their best, who has a different idea than me about what should be said.

I turn the thought around: he should not speak up, I should speak up to him, I should speak up to myself.

I sit with these turnarounds and look for examples.

What I wanted with this speaking up business was for him to be happy and content. Maybe he’s already happy and content, without speaking up.

Silence is pretty awesome, that’s for sure.

Oh, and perhaps since I’m the one taking notice of speaking up, I could open a conversation myself, kindly, about what I’m seeing….with my friend.

Ultimately, could I be yearning for some kind of speaking up to happen inside MOI?

Yes, I could stop speaking poorly about myself, I could stop chattering away at what I did or did not do well, I could notice how much I love that quiet non-speaking friend, child, or parent.

I could see how much happiness and contentment is present here, inside me, inside that other person, whether speaking happens or not.

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.~ Miguel Angel Ruiz 

Today I notice how gentle I feel towards all those sweet people who didn’t speak up confidently, and how gentle I feel towards myself for not speaking up confidently when I thought I should.

“True words aren’t eloquent; eloquent words aren’t true. Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise….The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.” ~ Tao Te Ching #81

Much love, Grace

 

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If You Knew You Wouldn’t Suffer In The Future

I love the magnificent group of people who have signed up for Summer Camp.

One person joined even though she can’t make the three live sessions per week, just to share on the forum and listen to our inquiries.

As one camper said….I’m so excited by the idea of Camp….

….because you just show up.

Sometimes, that’s a huge step and all you need to do, to begin a movement towards something in your life that you know feels important.

Even if from the outside, it looks like a baby step.

You go to a meeting, you ride your bike on a different route, you show up at someone’s party whose house you’ve never visited, you enter a different store, you enroll in a trial dance class, you park your car in a different place in your home town and take a walk.

Only once. We’re not talking for weeks or months or years.

What’s the worst that could happen?

You may think things like “I might be disappointed, it may be a waste of time, it may be a waste of money, I won’t feel better, I won’t like it, why bother.”

These thoughts are great for self-inquiry.

This past weekend I spent a good portion of Saturday afternoon working. At 8:30 pm, feeling complete, I could have started reading a book (one of my favorite things to do) but instead, wanting to show up, my husband and I went to a friend’s gathering….

….about four hours after the appointed start time. We went anyway.

We had a ball! Good conversation, happy welcome, lovely connection with friends and stayed up until 1 am.

If you have a pull towards something, it doesn’t mean that the thing you try will be the best thing you’ve ever done in your life…but how sweet to question your thinking that would prevent you from showing up.

Is it true that you MIGHT be disappointed? That it might not be fabulous? That you would waste something (time, money) potentially, by going?

Yes! Of course that’s true! Disappointing things have happened, and they may happen again!

But are you absolutely sure?

Interesting question.

It seems impossible to know whether you would love or hate something, before it happens….

….but I notice how the thought “I might not like it” is NOT hands-down absolutely without-a-doubt true. Not at all.

And what if it’s not even a risk?

Freedom to come and go, trust myself and any process that unfolds in front of me, be there or move away, no expectations….

….ahhhhh. Now that’s more relaxing.

How do you react when you believe that thought that you may have a bad time, later?

Very, very careful about trying anything new. Suspicious. Nervous. Anxious. Afraid. Isolated. Worried about being worried later on. Good lord!

And without the belief that I might experience trouble, later?

Suddenly I’m more present. I’m here now, looking around. Noticing how free I am in this moment.

Without the belief that I might be disappointed later on, so best not rock the boat….when I look at past disappointments I can look more deeply to see if they REALLY were as bad as I think.

“Egoic consciousness is always pretending to be the most important thing that is happening. And yet there’s this thread, this sense of something other than, deeper than, more real than, more essential than this scattered and divided noise that so many human beings live in, in their minds. And right in the midst of all that, there is a presence, there is an awareness, an unconditioned awareness, an unconditioned consciousness. Right in the middle of this conditioned mind, conditioned consciousness, is this shining, unconditioned essence.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around: I might have a fantastic time, I will enjoy myself, I’ll like it, it’s not possible to waste money or time, I’ll feel better, I’ll learn something.

All just as true, or truer. 

In this moment right here, now, I notice that as I consider the turnarounds I’m happy, content, safe, open, curious, aware, learning, growing.

I can notice this about even the tiniest thing, the smallest proof of peace, here in this moment right now. Even if two seconds before I was remembering disappointment, or worried about things not going well tomorrow.

“Who would you be without the thought that you’re going to suffer in the future? This moment is all there is, and I can promise you that it’s all there ever will be. You’re standing in your future….You’re living your future right now. How are you doing? This is the only moment there is, everything else is imagination.” ~ Byron Katie

So today, I show up, here. This moment. Looking around and noticing how beautiful my surroundings, how fascinating, how everything just keeps getting better and better the more I relax.

The best of all, you are showing up too. You’re here, right?

That’s enough.

Much love, Grace

P.S. You can still join Summer Camp. Great people to meet and connect with for doing your work. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to come on board.

 

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What If I Invite Them, And They Don’t Come?

Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat June 25-29 has a car camping spot, plus one camp site, for anyone to stay on the grounds who wants to attend our retreat, which is bursting full (can’t wait to be with everyone who is coming)!

We’ve been moved to a larger retreat space at Breitenbush because of all the fabulous people enrolled (it’s called the River Yurt).

If you thought you were too late to come to Breitenbush, and you’re happy camping in a gorgeous old-growth forest near natural hot springs….then you’re in luck.

But call today, these last few spaces will go speedy quick.

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There’s such an astonishing quantity of inner beliefs around inviting, gathering, bringing people together, raising the roof, creating a tribe, forming a posse.

Even if you’re imagining a birthday celebration for yourself, with other people, and you want those you love to come together in one place, on the same day (preferably, ha ha!)….

….that one idea of putting out the invite alone is slightly stressful for some people.

Whether you’re super crazy shy or just a little uncomfortable with loads of attention and asking people to join you, little thoughts can appear that aren’t exactly friendly.

You may be a manager at work who has to get all the staff to come to a meeting, you may want to create a meaningful moment before a big occasion, you may want moral support from your very besties, you may be wanting to fill up a workshop or an event because you’re a healer with something important to offer, you may want to ask someone on a date.

Such an exciting idea!!

But then…..here come the thoughts:

  • no one will be available
  • they won’t want to come
  • I need to make sure they have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time, or else they’ll never want to see me again
  • they’ll think I am (fill in the blank; boring, stupid, unworthy, attention-seeking, selfish, childish, inexperienced, unpolished, silly, unimportant, meek)
  • if everyone says no, it will prove I’m unworthy (and alone)
If you feel these kinds of thoughts, without questioning them, you’ll probably have a few butterflies in your stomach as you get ready to create an event.
Or a terrible sinking feeling of nerves-on-ice.
If you have a dream, and then you notice some doubts about who will show up to join you in that dream….
….let’s do The Work on it today and see what happens.
(It will be good).
The first thing to do is to get a really good solid picture of the WORST thing that could happen.
Seriously.
You invite people to your graduation party, and one or two people show up. They stay for a polite amount of time and exit.
Or whatever your scenario.
You know it’s already crossed your mind! So just go ahead and go there.
As you think about that uncomfortable future possibility….
….see if it’s true that it would be a bad thing if no one showed up, if the cute man you’ve wanted to ask to tea said no, or if your wedding was attended by only half the number you expected?
Yes. It’s true.
That would suck.
Are you positive?
Kind of. Um. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would be bad.
How do you react when you believe it would be HORRIBLE if no one showed? That it means there’s something wrong with you, you are not liked, you’re boring?
How do you react when you think other people think you’re a dork? Or unworthy?
Sinking, sinking down to the bottom of the lake. Very disappointed. Sad. I’m stupid.
I should never have asked.
Ow.
But who would you be without those beliefs?
If you couldn’t even have the thought that it’s bad if no one shows up, that you aren’t important, or that it’s hard to invite people to things?
Oh. That’s different.
Yes, it’s more…..fun. It’s easy. It’s not a big effort, it’s just a question. I’m expressing an idea into the universe and seeing if there are others who want to join.
It’s not personal.
I can even keep asking, if I continue to want company, without expectation, for the joy of asking!
Without any of these beliefs, that future horror movie moment when it’s a supposed disaster is not a disaster. It’s just quieter, or more intimate than I thought it would be.
Just me, and silence.
I like silence.
I turn the thoughts around:
  • everyone will be available
  • they will want to come
  • I do NOT need to make sure they have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time, I could make sure I myself have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time
  • they’ll think I am (exciting, brilliant, worthy, content, self-confident, playful, experienced, polished, deep, important, strong)….and they’ll think whatever they think
  • if everyone says no, it proves nothing, and being alone is wonderful

“Success is an internal experience that’s lived out with nothing to stop it. If you could get this, it’s the end of suffering, the end of shortages…..Show me any area when you cannot play big. And no one ever has to know, it can be a secret. Every step is for you, for you, for you. Everything becomes big when you’re in service. You can’t even claim the service. When you’re aware of your life and how amazing you are, you see how amazing everything is. Even the ground that supports your next step.” ~ Byron Katie

  Wow, oh wow. Invite everyone. Don’t invite anyone. All absolutely brilliantly wonderful. This moment, now, full of such joyful sensation that I notice…. …everything and everyone is coming.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Definitely room in Summer Camp June Session. Group calls are Monday afternoons, Tuesday mornings, Thursday mid-mornings Pacific time. Try it, you might like it. Inquiry freedom! I’m inviting you–hee hee!