The search for satisfaction is such a huge drive in humans (including me) that it’s easy to find it at the forefront of any activity, any experience, any thought we have about ourselves or others…anything we do.
I want to be satisfied when I go to work, satisfied when I eat, satisfied with my physical health, satisfied with my long-planned vacation, satisfied with my behaviors, satisfied with my reactions to the world, satisfied with how much money I have.
We want to be able to look back at an event, or our whole life, and say “yes, that was totally and completely satisfying….I wouldn’t change a thing”.
We want to get together with people we love and feel truly connected, satisfied with the way we make contact with each other.
The process of finding satisfaction seems linear. First, I notice I am not satisfied. It could be at a physical level, like hunger. Or it could be emotional…wanting intimate sharing with someone. Or it could occur to me that I’m not satisfied with the way something appears to work in the world.
I experience dissatisfaction, I move towards getting to the state of satisfied.
The thing that is very tricky is that we don’t always know what we’re actually dissatisfied about…or what would bring satisfaction.
In fact, I used to NEVER have it right.
One of my greatest places of suffering was with food and eating. I believed that the way my body appeared to others and to myself, and the way I ate food, would bring me satisfaction for comfort, nurturing, pleasure, connection, and kindness.
I actually believed that if I was thin, I would be happy. I would be satisfied. I also believed that if I ate that comforting, delicious food even when I wasn’t hungry, I would get comfort.
I didn’t bother to look more deeply at my experience of being totally dissatisfied most of the time; uncomfortable, sad, critical, worried, without intimate connection.
I had this terrible feeling of fear about NOT getting satisfied, but I didn’t like seeing that—it really seemed frightening or very sad to realize that nothing was ever quite perfectly satisfying.
The song by B.T. Express from 1974 Do It Til You’re Satisfied is a blast to dance to. However if I start thinking that it’s possible to substitute the doing of something (like eating, or exercising, or drinking, or being sexual) for satisfaction of some other deeper need, then I really suffer.
The thing is, you don’t have to know exactly and precisely what it is you really, really need that would be satisfying. In fact, trying to work hard to figure out what it is can be another distraction. And maybe….there IS NOTHING that would be the ultimate satisfaction (tricky tricky little mind).
But it can be so sweet and exciting to discover that you would love a deeply honest conversation, kind interaction with someone close to you, you’d like to tell the truth and be heard, you’d like contact, you want authentic and meaningful discussions with members of your family.
To put down the food or drink or work or TV and say “I have something I’d like to ask you about…I have something I want to share with you today…I’d like to talk with you about life…”
It has been incredible to question my beliefs about what I need and what I think would give me satisfaction.
Not being so upset that this lack of satisfaction exists…what a wonderful relief.
If not being satisfied isn’t so bad…then we can be with it for five seconds without speedy quick trying to get satisfied.
Today, right in this moment, I can have fun imagining what might bring deep satisfaction to my experience of this day.
I am going to leave alone some of the things I repeatedly “use” for satisfaction. Like checking emails, drinking tea, eating something sweet, talking on the phone, exercising really hard, reading, thinking thinking thinking.
I don’t mean I’m going to force myself not to do those things….instead it’s seeing how I can find satisfaction even without those, feeling how happiness and contentment can be here, no matter what.
(You mean….I can have fun and joy without a good book!!??)
Slowing way down, stopping when full, leaving a little on your plate, waiting two minutes, moving in a calm way, remembering all is well, breathing deeply, going to the bathroom before you’re bursting, handling the little needs of a body, opening to what is next, going to the store, leaving early, being on time, canceling that plan, speaking to this person, making a new plan, saying that important thing right now in the moment, noticing, not pushing….
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.”~ Tao Te Ching #33
Love, Grace
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.
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