Tag: the work of Byron Katie

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Mini Retreat To Help Answer The Questions

Just yesterday I was telling a physical therapist working with me about what I do for a living.

We only had a few minutes…I had to distill down self-inquiry, The Work, investigation of reality in 3.5 minutes or a few short sentences.

I was lying on my back on a table, and she was leaning on my leg with my foot up towards the ceiling, stretching out the hamstring….the whole leg was shaking.

I told her that the idea was to consider a situation that creates stress in your life…there could be many, but you think about just one.

(The stretch was almost killing me, but not QUITE).

She nodded.

Then, I said, as you think about that one situation, I told her to identify a stressful concept that you really believe is true.

She stayed with me so far. And kept pushing and leaning on my leg.

“Like, the thought ‘he shouldn’t have said that!'” she asked?

Perfect!

Then I said, OK, so here are the four questions you then ask yourself, about that stressful concept.

1) Is it true? 2) Can you absolutely know its true? 3) How do you react when you think that thought? 4) Who would you be without that thought?

Her eyes grew wide, and then she said “HOLY COW THAT IS REALLY COMPLICATED, I mean, those are HUGE QUESTIONS! How can you even answer that??!”

I laughed! Yes, so true!

She told me to sit up and we were done. Appointment over!

Bam, she was gone.

These are indeed big, wide, expansive questions that almost seem crazy if you’ve never asked them before.

I loved that moment, aware of how spectacular the fourth question is, asking who you would be without believing that thought?

Most of us have never even considered this before.

And yet, we CAN answer these questions.

Just thinking about how you would answer them, simply considering them, is a huge step in itself.

Seriously, my journey started with looking at the first question: Is It True?

I made a face like I smelled something bad when I first heard that question.

WHAT?

You talkin’ to me?

Yes, I am.

YOU can answer these questions. And see what happens.

If you’re totally puzzled, and it’s easy enough for you to come to a Saturday afternoon in Seattle for four hours of contemplating these questions, letting the process sink in, practicing moving all the way from beginning to end of The Work…

…then come on over to a lovely afternoon of inquiry on October 19th.

That is two weeks from today, exactly.

Only two more mini retreats this year: 10/19 and 11/30.

Treat yourself to time to answer some REALLY HUGE QUESTIONS!

Amazing things can happen when you do.

If you live really far away from Seattle, then stay tuned. There are group teleclasses coming up….and the next YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group starts in January (limited to 12).

Getting It Now
“When I first encountered The Work I thought it was BS, to be quite honest. It seemed like some weird flip-your-thinking scheme and I couldn’t relate. But I kept running into people who mentioned The Work—all right already! I took a class with Grace and it’s never been the same. She is so patient, compassionate, and truly a living example of The Work in action. I flew across the country to do an in-person with her. I say try it, you got nothing to lose except your stress.” ~ Rhode Island 

Much love, Grace

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Seeing Clearly Now With Money

In the past six months or so, I’ve had a handful of clients who live abundant lives financially, have really amazing careers (a doctor, a TV personality, a published author, a financial advisor, a psychotherapist) who have touched on some annoying or anxious thoughts about money.

I can’t make any changes in what I do, if I did…I would have less money, or no money. I have to make money. I have to keep this up. My security and comfort depends on my practice, my uniqueness, staying married, on working hard.

I used to think that people with really rockin’ careers (as in higher education and lots of work, or a thriving business) had it made.

They hit the Big Time, they were set. They could get on with other concerns, because this major one was handled.

But I realized that every single person I’ve ever worked with around money, who appeared to have it, often had the similar worries as those without it.

Last week I wrote a check to pay off my last loan (except for my house mortgage) after plummeting into debt like the Titanic about six years ago, when going through divorce.

This loan was a home equity line of credit. This is one of those loans that are offered in connection with your house. The bank lends you the money because they know that if you can’t pay, they’ll be able to take your house as back up.

Back when I had this open line of credit that I could spend, I used a small portion of it to make my garage into a room for my son…and then used the rest over a period of about 18 months to pay my regular house mortgage and buy food.

So, in other words…I used a loan on the house to pay for the house.

It would be like saying to a person who had loaned me money, “can I have another loan, so I can make monthly payments on the first loan that I already owe you?’

But at the time, it appeared to be the only option, since I went to probably 25 job interviews, still had no work, no health insurance, and my house wasn’t worth the original price, so even if I walked away and sold it, I still wouldn’t have been able to pay the debt.

Dang, that was rough!

I could have so easily foreclosed. But that’s not what happened (to read about what did happen, go to a previous Grace Note by clicking HERE).

What became clear is that the most peaceful, joyful, steady, solid way to be with all that terror about money, debt, security and loss was that I was supposed to pay off my debt, one dollar at a time if that’s what it took.

Clarity became NOT being concerned with the future, but instead feeling the beauty of the present moment, no matter what kind of worldly problems were screaming around me.

Instead of believing “I am doomed” and “it will take me forever to get out of this mess” or even “I have lost”…

…I questioned everything and kept taking one step at a time forward.

In fact, that’s all I COULD do.

I could question my thinking, look at the fearful beliefs, investigate the reality of money, houses, loans, jobs, income, employment, receiving, security…anything worrisome or stressful.

You may be someone who is not in emergency mode about money.

But I say, question your beliefs about it anyway. 

Just like all the clients I’ve mentioned who apparently have money, who noticed they still get worried about it.

You have to earn money….to have easy retirement, security in your old age, luxury in your daily life, vacations, so that you can give to your kids and friends, in order to be charitable.

You have to earn money so you never, never, ever, ever go into debt again…

…Is that true?

Yes! I will never stop! I will push, work hard, avoid vacations and free time, nose-to-the-grindstone! I will not quit! I will accumulate, gather, store, invest, and keep as much as possible, never letting up!

I will continue to advance my career! I must earn money! I must have money!

YIKES!

So yeah. Heh, heh. Does that sound stressful?

Because for me, it is, when I’m believing those thoughts. The clients with money noticed this as well.

Who would you be without the thought that you really need that money you have, you need to keep working at something that’s not very fun, you “have to” keep your money and not let it out of your sight, or be very careful with it?

Without these thoughts, I have space inside me. The world seems to be busy and active, and yet, I am still and quiet.

No stressful concern for the future.

All I know to do is be here, today, with a deep breath, relaxation, kindness to myself and to the reality moving around me.

I know when not to spend money or when to spend it, there is no compulsionto get, have, grab, store, give it away, do something.

I might store some away because it’s fun, because there’s nowhere else it needs to go at the moment. I might stop doing parts of my “work” because it isn’t meaningful, and I know to stop.

Without the stressful thoughts, I honor my own happiness. I have deep integrity with other people.

“The ideas in your head – the thoughts that tell you something about who you are and what you are worth – are ultimately illusory. It is illusory both when the thoughts are good, and when the thoughts are negative. The illusory nature can perhaps be more easily recognized when the thoughts become negative and cause suffering. Suffering can be an awakener.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Turning the thoughts around about needing to earn, maintain, have, give and keep money…

…I find that I do not need to. And, I am out of debt. That is a stunning, wonderful feeling. I am overjoyed. I have enough. I need very little. I continue to do what is next in front of me.

In these turnarounds, I free myself of illusion, even without massive suffering.

Or maybe because of massive suffering. I don’t know.

I can see clearly now.

Much love, Grace

P.S. The next 8 week Money teleclass isn’t scheduled yet, but stay tuned and watch the list below, always below Grace Notes emails, for the next one. I’d love to hear your favorite times/days, write me if you’d like to make a request!

 

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Forgiveness All The Way To Thank You

Awhile ago I was out in the city and I ran into an old friend. We stood and talked awhile, traffic and noise zipping past, delighted to see each other.

She mentioned another mutual friend. Someone with whom I had experienced a great confusion and misunderstanding long ago.

From the conversation, I learned that this old friend, with whom I have not had contact in many years, is not feeling very happy.

In fact, he’s unhappy about the same things that he used to be unhappy about when I talked with him regularly.

I also learned that NO, this old friend from the past actually never mentions me, doesn’t seem concerned, and has moved on…..entirely.

I chuckled later.

What? You mean he’s not tormented inside, unresolved, wanting to address what happened, ready to make genuine amends, feeling guilty, wondering about MY life and how I’m doing?

You mean he never even thinks about what went down?!

Some people appear to be able to drop uncomfortable dynamics and let bygones be bygones.

Others of us….heh heh…might run into someone on the street one day and afterwards find ourselves thinking about some difficult and painful situation with someone we knew from twenty or thirty years ago…

….and have all the feelings well up as we recall the scene. We’re sad, angry, or frightened just remembering it, all over again.

We might not feel the full blown feelings to the same height and same intensity, but still…there’s a clench of melancholy.

That didn’t go well, that was a terrible experience, I’m glad that’s over, I could never be that person’s friend again, I don’t ever want to have a friendship end on a bad note again.

Even if the painful situation or exchange with someone was long ago, if it gives a little pinch of OUCH when you think about it, if it feels like you don’t really wish that person 100% joy, or there’s a little dig of feeling like it serves them right that they aren’t happy….

….then time for The Work.

Time for a little Mind Surgery.

As I think about that person, I call up the WORST, most awful, stressful, difficult moment with them.

When were my feelings the biggest, most shocked, most troubled? When was the hardest moment?

Here’s the funny thing. The WORST moment was when I was all alone, reading a piece of paper, when I learned something had been said about me, thought about me, believed about me.

Can I absolutely know it’s true that the moment I was having awareness that someone on the planet was not in favor of me, who I loved, that this was a TERRIBLE experience?

Can I really know that I don’t ever want to have a friendship like that ever again?

Am I sure it didn’t go well?

Amazingly, I am not sure.

It went the way it went, and I already know, from doing The Work on this before, that there were incredible advantages that came out of that experience.

I became more certain, clear and directed in my own personal life about money, friendship, commitment and saying “yes” or “no” than I had ever been in the previous forty years or so.

My personal integrity got really clean and crisp. I said goodbye to drama.

But now, revisiting this person in my mind, in my memory of them…even with all I learned from that experience, can I know that they are not worthy of my blessings, my gratitude, my acceptance?

What was that little dig inside that said “good!” when I heard he was unhappy?

Am I sure that I need to hold back my good wishes for their amazing life?

I think this is what Byron Katie means when she says “forgiveness is when you realize that what you thought happened, didn’t.” 

Who would I be without the thought that the person deserves to squirm with discomfort, or be unhappy?

I turn the thought around about how I feel NOW, in this moment, today, as I recall that person’s image in my mind.

He gave me the most incredible gift, I am grateful for that experience, he helped change my life for the better, he played a part for me so that I would make the climb to the high road, and take it.

Without that difficult person, I would never have stepped up to the plate and hit a home run.

That person and all the life circumstances line up and said “PLAY BALL!” And I did.

I learned about loss, acceptance, betrayal, forgiveness, honesty, reality, consequences, trust, and true love.

“Our nature is to love, and we’re believing these thoughts that are Horrors, so there’s opposition going, it’s duality. It’s simply how this wild ego stays identified, as ‘I am a victim of the world’…. if it’s a friendly universe, it’s gotta be a win-win, not a lose. This is tough work, and there’s only one thing tougher, and that is NOT finding resolution.” ~ Byron Katie

Thank you, amazing friend. I wish you the best life ever, I wish you joy and freedom and success and deep happiness.

I am willing to go through something like that again, I look forward to going through something like that again.

No forgiveness needed.

Only thank you.

Love, Grace

 

 

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Pain Brings The Most Alluring Thing

Yesterday I had a moment when in about 10 seconds I had the thoughts: “it’s all over from here…there will be a time I can never dance again…I have a limited time left on the planet”.  

I was feeling hip pain. From my gymnastics move about a month ago.

The right hamstring was injured, but now the left hip hurts since I’ve been favoring it, walking kinda weird, and ignoring it half the time.

Through my mind ran the following thoughts:

  • this pain will never go away
  • the writing’s on the wall…if hips are hurting, I’m on my way to the end
  • I have to finish my book before I croak! Quick!
  • I’ll never see my kids’ in their old age (so weird the way that works)
  • I need more time
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead

Then I thought about the great sage Ramana Maharshi for about ten minutes, as I have many times before, and his story of at age 16, lying down on the floor and pretending he was dead, just to see what it felt like.

BOOM. He saw what he was without a body.

So where’s my ecstatic “boom”? Seeing who I am without a body is kind of attractive at the moment!

I’m way older than 16 and I don’t have to pretend really, to get the sense that it’s over soon, and I’m going to be dead at some point.

But it pretty much feels like I’m stuck in this sack of flesh, for now, to put it bluntly.

Not that I hate the body…in fact, it’s genius, kind, accepting, miraculous and completely fascinating. Hurts, heals, changes.

Off and on throughout the day I feel the dull pain and I think about who I am before my parents were born, the zen koan.

I’m not even TRYING to concentrate on seeing from the perspective of No Body and Who-I-Truly-Am and all that rot. Yet, I’m thinking about this anyway!

There’s that silly mind again. On the job attempting to figure it out.

The voiceover from an old TV ad for Trix Cereal comes in, where the rabbit is doing everything he possibly can to get that awesome cereal, and he just can’t seem to outwit the situation and have what he wants.

The rabbit tries many maneuvers….and then discovers that he’s been trying to get something that is actually not possible for him to “get”.

Because he’s a rabbit. 

“Silly Rabbit”, the children say when they realize he’s been up to multiple shenanigans trying to acquire their cereal….“Trix Are For Kids!” 

Silly Mind! Awareness is not for you! 

But what IS for the mind, thank goodness, is The Work. At least, so far this mind seems to delight in it.

This mind (and yours probably, too) just LOVES to answer questions.

So let’s take a look at the troubling little thoughts about the body that have appeared from this message of pain apparently originating in a human hip.

Are these thoughts actually true that have been streaming through this mind? That the pain will never go away and it’s all downhill from here?

Well, I could be completely pain free (in fact, come to think of it right in this moment, on the same day only a few hours later as I write, I don’t feel pain).

And no, I don’t have to finish my book before I croak, or see my kids in their old age.

And it’s possible I don’t need more time….and it’s absolutely true that one day I won’t enter the dance studio anymore.

I mean, I am going to die….at least the physical body will.

But what if all this wasn’t a BAD BAD thing?

I mean, how I react when I believe these thoughts, and believe they are alarming, is that I am instantly afraid, nervous, planning, calculating, and grasping at all kinds of strategies for softening this situation, either emotionally, mentally or physically.

I’m the rabbit BEFORE he finds out the tricks are not for him. Ha!

Without the thought, however, that any of this pain, injury, change, death, departure or ending is terrible in the great big scheme of things….

….wow.

I am so curious, and interested in All This, including whatever Pain appears to be. (Is it energy? What is it?)

I remember that every time I enter the dance studio, I am different, so I’ve already lived the story of having no dance ever be repeated.

Without the thought, I see there is nothing guaranteed, nothing steady, nothing gained and lost, because nothing sticks anyway.

Without believing things are getting worse, I am excited to see what this body does, what it’s like, what happens next.

I’m psyched about the story unfolding. What will she do now?

Oh look, she went to physical therapy, she made a massage appointment, she slowed down and held still all day, she scheduled the book-writing time on her calendar.

She went to the dance studio and remembered the sweet friends who will never come there again, as they have already crossed over into death, and that we’ll all follow.

“The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands. But of course, if you don’t see that, if you’re hypnotized into thinking that you won’t be happy without this, that or the other things, you’re stuck.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Turning everything around, I see how this is all very wonderful, and nothing is ever truly permanently ending, and everything is always beginning, and fading away…

….and things are getting better. Could be just as true.

  • this pain will always go away; emotional, physical, all of it
  • I’m on my way to the end, to the beginning, who knows
  • I don’t have to finish my book, in fact when I die there will be tons of things unfinished, that’s the way of it
  • I have no idea how much of my kids’ lives I’ll see or not see, it’s a mystery and doesn’t seem up to me
  • I need less time! Whew, what a relief!
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead. Woohoo! What, did I want to dance here forever? That’d be weird.

“No-thing-ness…as much as that doesn’t make sense to the mind, is the most alluring thing of all.” ~ Adyashanti

I hear the rain pattering outside, drink an incredible taste of water, read a sweet text from my daughter, look into the vast gray sky, and for just a second my throat wells up with tears of gratitude.

Then even that passes and in this emptiness I am stunned to find gratitude also for the pain.

How else would I have been considering the mystery of life and death, and All This today?

Much Love, Grace

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He Called Me Ugly!

A man on a blind date once said to me “I find you ugly”.

In our society, this is generally considered soooo rude, right?

In a flash of him saying it, my stomach felt nauseated, my chest felt hot, my heart beating, my face flushed and turning red.

I felt like a caged animal. I gotta get outta here. Yet I was frozen in my chair.

I tried to control my tears with all my might.

Like this fist came in a said “whatever you do, absolutely do NOT SHOW that his statement has affected you.”

So first, the painful statement….then….I also have to deal with my own inner commander telling me not to allow him to see the pain.

I see that situation as an amazing one for understanding now. So blunt, so direct, so confusing!

Many of us aren’t around people who say caustic things very often, or make stabbing remarks, or yell, or cuss at us.

And when there are pretty uncommon and punchy words, it’s surprising!

So let’s examine this situation.

Why is it disturbing, anyway? Seriously? I mean, what’s wrong with ugly?

You would have thought from my inner immediate reaction that he was about to kill me, or that he punched me in the stomach.

But there were still two people, sitting on chairs in a coffee shop. That’s it.

He just hurt me.

Is it true?

Physically, no. Space and calm were everywhere around, air, mugs, tables, other people, floor, dust, napkins.

So is it true that he hurt me emotionally? Is it true that his words were painful?

Yes, although, hmmm. If I were deaf, or if I didn’t actually HEAR those words, then I would have remained comfortable.

My interpretation of the words was painful. I believed he was saying many other things, besides “you’re ugly”. I believed it meant a whole suitcase load of very painful truths.

So I didn’t actually really know that HE just hurt me.

No. Not absolutely true.

How did I react when I believed the thought that he hurt me?

The suitcase of stressful beliefs exploded open about other people (especially men) and their preferred opinions of me.

I thought his words meant I was unworthy, rejected, hated, disliked, worthless, unimportant, and cast aside.

I thought his words meant I was not measuring up in the attractive department, and therefore I would be single, alone, and lost for the rest of my life.

Wow, so much, so instantly, from one comment.

If he had said a piece of art on the wall was ugly, would I have had trouble breathing?

So who or what would I actually be, in that very moment, without the belief that he hurt me, or he shouldn’t have expressed his opinion, or that I am worthless?

A whole world opens up of beliefs to review. A whole world of freedom becomes possible.

Wow, all that time I thought I was supposed to be beautiful, in order to be liked! OMG!

All that time I thought I was supposed to be admired, that men were supposed to find me appealing, that I needed their approval!

Without the thought that I need him to think I’m pretty, or that I need a man, or that I will be alone, or that I am rejected and worthless in this situation….

….I hear his words, and they enter me and pass through me instead of gripping me in the chest like a piano just fell on my head (like in the cartoons).

Without the thought…I might have asked him what he sees, what makes him say that right now.

I might have learned a lot (actually I did, later, when I did The Work).

I turn the thought around.

I have not just been hurt by him….I have been hurt by my own thinking.

Being ugly to someone does not mean that I am rejected, worthless, or that I will be alone forever.

And what about my own opinion of myself? Don’t I look in the mirror and find flaws, for most of my life?

Wouldn’t I absolutely love to still adore myself, even though I find parts of myself ugly sometimes? Do I notice how I love other people even though I am sometimes repulsed or frightened by their appearance?

Isn’t it actually far truer that I do adore what is inside me, and inside others?

Can I love myself in the presence of this human, who just hacked apart my ideal fairy tale version of this situation?

Haven’t I always wanted to be free to be whatever I am, and end the War on the Body and Appearance and Striving For Perfection?

Well…I just lost. War Over.

Nice.

“Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything……if you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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I Need Him To Feel OK

A very stressful belief, held by many at various moments on the planet, is the concept “I need that person to feel OK.”

Boy howdy, that’s a juicy, sometimes wildly painful belief.

Our Tuesday YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group examined this thought together this morning.

Wow, awesome.

There is your friend, your mom, your dad, your boyfriend, your wife, your child, your client…..and they are depressed, weeping, lying in a hospital bed, in turmoil over a loss, they are worried, angry, nervous, upset, they just got emotionally hurt.

There’s an urge to rush in, assist.

It really does seem like it would be better if that person felt OK, felt good, felt content, felt open.

Questioning this belief does not mean you are cruel, cold, or uncaring.

In fact, without this belief, you may find that you are more genuinely caring than you ever realized…but let’s take a look.

First, are you positive that you need that person to feel good, better, different than they feel in order for you to be happy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that if he, she, it, they felt OK you’d be better off?

The fear that enters the body and mind when a loved one gets hurt, let’s say pretty badly, can be infused with this belief.

Maybe their feelings are hurt, maybe their body is hurt…this is noticing the anxiety, panic, anger, and your own hurt that becomes present, sometimes almost simultaneously, when you learn that this person you love is hurt.

So how do you react when you believe that thought, that this situation would be better if they were OK?
When I believe this thought, I am going to find out what will resolve their “hurt” and stay on the job until I find the answer. I call them. I think about them. I read books about their condition and nod. I rush in.
I come to the rescue.
I think thoughts like “he really needs to….” or “she should get help from….”
In the past, I had a great friend who had a major huge mega-watt amount of anxiety. His story, or my story, was that he had a rough life.
How did I react when I believed that I needed him to feel OK?
First, I tried to rescue.
Then, I ditched him. I believed I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit!
But who would you be without the belief that this person needs to be OK? That they are NOT OK, even with whatever is going on?
“My beloved sister is dying of cancer now, and she is in the very painful last stages of agony. Watching my sister’s husband watch his wife in such dreadful pain would be agonizing, if not for the enlightened mind, the questioned awake-to-love mind….
 
…..Oh, how I love her, and how opposite of helpless I am. I am the power of love, and there is nothing more powerful than that as I find myself sobbing with her. Who would think that love is that grateful, that deep, that overwhelming, and tear-filled! As I sob, the joy within, the joy that is born out of my love, blind in its clarity, runs deeper than any sadness could ever begin to, and it is allowed to live at its depth, a state that fear is too shallow to explore and must always fall short in its emotion to express.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that other people need to be OK in order for me to be happy…
…I am free to love, express, breathe, connect, be honest, authentic, caring, overwhelmed, untethered, real, genuine….and stay or go.
I turn the thought around that I need him to be OK, I need her to be OK.
I don’t actually need that. I am living this life over here, in this body, apparently.
I can see advantages, even, to that person not being OK as I look at them:
  • they are encountering their own fear and growing stronger through it
  • they are capable of getting through this
  • they are learning about life
  • they are freer
  • they are experiencing something profound
  • they are changing
  • they are dying (or some part of them is dying) and therefore on their way to a new dimension, new life…
And while that person is not OK, I can turn that whole entire list around to myself and find the incredible gift in that person appearing as they appear in my life:
  • I am encountering my own fear and growing stronger through it
  • I am capable of getting through this (their pain, my pain)
  • I am learning about life
  • I am freer
  • I am experiencing something profound
  • I am changing
  • I am dying (my stories or otherwise) and therefore on my way to a new dimension
“The ego creates stories to convince you that you cannot be at peace NOW, you cannot be fully yourself NOW.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  
How might you be when you are with those sweet, amazing, suffering people if you knew they were actually OK?
Much Love, Grace
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Not Knowing Is Wonderful Now

This past weekend a whole lotta questioning happened!

I had the privilege to be among companions in The Work and hear their concerns, some of their deepest moments of suffering.

I can always relate to what inquirers are concerned with. My own work floats in the background to every single thought and inquiry brought forth.

One woman spoke for me, for everyone, who’s ever sat down and questioned their repetitive beliefs:

“I’ve done The Work on this ten thousand times and I keep finding the turnarounds, I find the examples, I can see the opposite of my stressful thought to be as true or truer….but the stress still plagues me.”

There are those feisty subjects, situations, people, whole belief-systems that seem really deep, endless, haunting, unresolved.

If we’ve got an unhappy experience from the past…and continue to be annoyed or afraid…then what to do?

How many times can you write a worksheet on the SAME EXACT THING and arrive at the SAME EXACT PLACE??!

Some awareness perhaps, but not really complete and everlasting peace. Not done, resolved, complete. Not over it. It’s not put to rest.

Fantastic question.

There was once a car mechanic I heard about who had an enormous number of clientele.

He didn’t advertise, market, put out flyers, or even have an official business.

People would learn about him word of mouth, show up, call the unpublished number. He had something special going on around cars.

He could diagnose and figure out the thing that was needed for any particular car to run again.

A good friend who had the honor of using this mechanic told me that this Car Whisperer told him when he bumped up against a problem, and he tinkered, researched, made attempts and tried different solutions….but something wasn’t working (yet)….

….that he would leave that car alone for awhile.

He would drop his motivation to fix it.

Yes, even if someone was calling and saying“where’s my car, you got it fixed yet?”

He would go work on another entirely different car, a different problem.

He would sleep on it, walk away. Then come back to it when it felt “right”.

And almost every time….LIGHT BULB.

In a few minutes, the necessary answer, the missing link, the correct mechanical part, the next step would make itself known.

Byron Katie speaks about dropping all motivation for anything, when you’re doing The Work, except the Truth.

In the dictionary, it reads that to have a “motive” is to have a reason to do something. Often related to a crime. You think if you do something, you’ll get something better, you’ll succeed in the future.

“Motive” comes from the word “move”.

I want to Move-It Move-It!

In other words, I don’t like it the way it is, or the way I feel about it right now…I want to feel differently, I want to feel peaceful or blissful or psyched instead.

Now, this isn’t always of course what is going on if we have the same repetitive identical beliefs over and over about one person, or a persistent stressful feeling about a situation…but it’s great to look at.

What is my motive? Why do I want to question this? Do I want to know the Truth, or be Blissed Out?

Maybe they aren’t always the same.

I had one person once who was really buggin’ me. I would write a worksheet on this person over and over. The same exact sentences would come out, maybe with a little variation.

He should be different.

I asked Katie about it. “I keep doing The Work on this person, with no resolve….what should I do?”

She replied after a brief discussion, “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

OMG! I realized that I had been believing that I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS WAY!

I believed that I should feel happy, loving, kind, joyful and warm-hearted towards that person 24/7.

Like, yesterday.

That’s what spiritual, good people are like, right?

As I saw this aspect of my own personal motivation to jump to feeling happy and forgiving ASAP, I put that worksheet down.

I didn’t pound the pavement, as they say, until I Got Peace.

I honored my own feeling of whatever this thing I was feeling actually was, that we call Anger.

I actually did a whole worksheet on ANGER and the feeling of anger and all the dangerous, terrible things I believed could happen to me or to others when the feeling of ANGER rises.

I stopped feeling so anxious about anger. I stopped feeling so sure that there was no place for anger inside me, or inside this world.

I stopped having a “plan” about this situation.

I let go of the motivation to get this squared away so I could go on with my life.

What did I notice?

The emotional pain started to fade. DOH!

“If I can’t breathe, I don’t know if I’m going to live or die. I don’t know if I’m going to be breathed again, or not. It’s absolutely not up to me. But in the “don’t know” if I’m going to live or die, or breathe or not, I don’t miss the joy of the life I DO have.” ~ Byron Katie

If I give up wanting The Work, or anything else, to bring me joy…I notice I do The Work anyway (so far).

I notice that even my own awareness or learning or peace or personal process is not up to “me”.

If I don’t have to know, or achieve anything, what a relief.

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

If you think that you won’t do The Work or you’ll never become free or peaceful, unless you have a motive…..test it out.

You may find that you are as bizarre as me, and you keep inquiring anyway.

Kinda like that saying “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water.”

Before….I don’t know….and it’s a bad thing to not know.  After….I don’t know….and it’s a good thing to not know.

Much Love, Grace

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Walking Without Walking

There is nothing quite like being silent in the company of other people to bring a precious sweet sense of the profound to an experience.

Yesterday the fall afternoon sun shone, the world was bustling with bicycle riders, dogs, runners, leashes, litter, motors, sirens, green leaves.

Our collective group of inquirers, all on retreat together here at my cottage, went on a walk with one important piece of structure: no talking.  

Well, I also mentioned going on this walk as if you were living one of your turnarounds to a stressful belief we had just examined.

How would you walk as if there were no problem, that the way it went before had its benefits? How would you walk as if you knew all was incredibly, inconceivably, amazingly well. How would you walk as if things were OK, as if you didn’t need to fix it for right now?

How would you walk, where would you glance, what would you see, how would you hold your shoulders or your arms if you didn’t believe that stressful thought?

As we walked, I turned around and saw our silent group, such adorable and sincere people. All supporting each other to investigate our mental activity that hurts.

Over a fence, someone smoothed the skirt of a bride’s white wedding dress on a lawn, through another fence children screamed with glee in a playground, past the bushes ducks quacked while kids jumped off the end of a dock, in the distance two jet skis zig-zagged like beads on the water.

Abundance everywhere, literally the earth, the environment, the atmosphere teeming with activity, life, chaos, movement….

….I felt tears well up with the joy of it all.

Have you noticed how unusual and how powerful silence can be?

This hasn’t always automatically felt like a good thing. By the way.

Generally speaking, if you take away activities that you do regularly and you’re a little nervous about what it will be like without them…

….you’re pushing up against your zone of comfort, as they say.

When I first went on a silent retreat I thought I’d go bonkers.

I was up at 2:30 am unable to sleep, too dark to take a walk in the woods. The rules were no talking, no reading, no electronics. 

What am I supposed to do, just lie here? Jeezus Christ! 

I thought I was going to have a heart attack, or that my head would explode.

I had no idea how much stimulation I normally wanted, to cover up this dreadful experience of being in the world full of silence, without being friends with my own mind.

Of course, I got used to it.

And went back for more. It was never as bad as that first time again.

Yesterday as we all walked together I noticed thoughts still crank out, or stream by, like ticker-tape reports: that young couple on the bench may think its weird with all these totally silent people standing on the dock around them, I need to go slowly enough so no one gets left behind, trees, asphalt, light, its weird how this human view is through eyes mostly in the front 180 degrees of the body, I’m the leader, I love the feeling of the cool dirt on my big toes that are sticking past the edge of the flip-flops I’m wearing, wow those spiders are jammin’ with their webs everywhere, grass, breeze, dogs. 

Observations, thoughts, fading in and out. Nothing true, nothing grabby. Sensations.

Being.

Doing The Work, questioning our stories, slows everything down.

Right now, it’s possible for all of us to relax, and welcome the thoughts or stories that come by for a visit.

Those troubling people who we have encountered, at any time in our lives, they are amazing. Just thinking about them, my mind grows curious, open, interested, and willing.

“Eventually you will realize that it cannot actually hurt you to go beyond your psychological limits. If you are willing to just stand at the edge and keep walking, you will go beyond.” ~ Michael Singer

Even if you can’t actually walk, physically, either in your body or on the planet, there’s internal walking, noticing, moving, being.

Watching the stories, writing them down, questioning them, diving into these stories by telling them to others with the sincere intention to understand it differently, not justify it or react to it with fear, sadness, pain, hurt.  

“Whatever it takes for you to find your freedom, that’s what you’ve lived.” ~ Byron Katie

That includes this moment of silence, this moment of being with others in an intimate way, connecting with peeps on the journey, being totally alone, suffering, feeling joyful, having time and space to sit and write and inquire.

Even if you just had a rough encounter out in the world, a less-than-optimal exchange, a bad memory enter your mind, or you were late, you disappointed someone, you became nervous…..

…..now you are here, quietly reading this. 

“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing.” ~ Tao Te Ching #47 

Much Love, Grace

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Welcome The Friend Who Brings Difficulties

This morning I am beaming with gratitude for all the beautiful inquirers who flew on airplanes, rode bikes, drove cars and arrived here in northeast Seattle to question our thinking for the weekend of YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups.

We’re gathering together, to do this work. Investigating our suffering in life.

You’re doing it too.

We are all IN this together, no matter where you are located in place and time as you are reading this. As you go about your day or evening.

The poem for our weekend is the powerful Checkmate by the beloved Jalaluddin Rumi. I’ve read it twice, and will read it again.

It begins “Borrow the Beloved’s eyes…”

Inviting us to see through the eyes of reality, through the eyes of these other sweet people, through eyes that are beyond stressful beliefs, but including those stressful beliefs.

Everything welcome.

And who would you be without that stressful, sad, worried, nervous, angry thought?

What a strange, fabulous question….

If it’s hard to imagine being without stressful thoughts, don’t worry. The spark is alive in you to investigate….you know you can!

“If you can’t do this work yourself, don’t worry. You don’t even have to make a decision one way or another. The Friend, who knows a lot more than you do, will bring difficulties, and grief and sickness, as medicine, as happiness, as the essence of the moment when you’re beaten, when you hear Checkmate, and can finally say, with Hallaj’s voice, I trust you to kill me.” ~ Rumi  

Much Love, Grace

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Mentioning The Unmentionable

I’m switching the Our Wonderful Sexuality to 5:15-6:45 pm on Mondays, starting October 21st, since many of you are interested but couldn’t take the class at the 8 am Pacific time.

Speaking of sexuality…..eewww.

Do we have to?

It’s quite startling how this topic, which touches everyone alive really, has a sort-of weird undercover secretive cloud hanging over it.

At least for me, growing up we weren’t really supposed to talk about it. You weren’t supposed to ask too many questions or share too many stories.

The unmentionable subject.

Even though everyone’s interested in it.

Sexuality is a vulnerable, intimate life experience with a huge variety of norms and interests and attractions or repulsions for humans.

When it feels like freedom, there is usually very little stress involved…..the feeling inside is comfortable, perhaps thrilled, positive, genuine, creative, safe, joyful and loving.

But often, there are indeed stressful thoughts.

When I began dating after fifteen years in a monogamous relationship, many thoughts and feelings that had existed below the surface (or that I stuffed under the surface) came exploding out into the light of day.

Just meeting with someone for a date seemed to create fear…but also excitement, anticipation and eagerness for connection.

But what was that fear part?

The way to put words to the fear, and see it more clearly, is to identify a painful situation, a difficult or troubling moment, that you have actually experienced.

No, this does not have to be rape, incest, violence, affairs…..although if you’ve had these kinds of experiences, they are amazing situations for questioning your beliefs, and your inquiry can open you to your present power.

The situation you may notice discomfort around, that involves sexuality or sexual contact or implying something sexual, may be something completely low key, small, a minor communication or even a “look” from someone.

That’s your situation. You may have many. Pick just one.

I remember noticing a man who to me was very attractive. I knew he was going to be at a birthday party I was attending. I didn’t know him very well.

At the party, right when I arrived, he looked super happy and dropped his current conversation, took my hand as I approached, put his hand on my back, and led me to a far corner of the room.

This was great at first. But then some comments arose in the conversation. The whole connection became sort of, well, CRAZY STRESSFUL for me.

  • he is pushing too hard for sex in this conversation
  • he wants sex NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately
  • he’s creepy
  • I need to escape
  • I can’t trust my attractions, this man is a jerk (rats)
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but he seems to think it’s Number 1
  • he wouldn’t be talking with me if he wasn’t attracted to me, so he cares only about the sexual attraction
  • he’s too aggressive, demanding, wants too much, too quickly

Similar kinds of thoughts can enter into a long-term relationship with someone you care about, know well, or even live with….maybe with more subtle language or different wording.

Maybe your stressful thoughts are around being bored, doing the same thing all the time, feeling unsatisfied, wanting more, different, better, less.

Or right in the middle of a sexual encounter…maybe your thoughts are full of what should or shouldn’t be happening, what you long for, what you miss, or what just happened a split second ago that you didn’t like.

Once you identify these thoughts, you can take them to inquiry.

I loved having a facilitator who I was so comfortable with when I started doing The Work very earnestly, I knew she didn’t reject me for having such thoughts….or for using words that described sexual body parts or sexual terms like “orgasm”.

OK, I said it.

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that it’s embarrassing, shameful, or weird to talk about sexual encounters with people?

Yeah! Of course it’s embarrassing! This is private, personal information!

Are you positive that speaking of your ideas, concerns and feelings about sexuality it is worthy of shame?

And is what you are concerned about actually true?

Damn straight it’s true!

He IS too aggressive, he IS making too many sexual comments.

Is it absolutely true? Beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No. I actually don’t really know. I haven’t asked what he means, or what he wants, or what he’s thinking. At all.

When I believe all the thoughts I think, and then also, think it’s wrong to bring them up (or dangerous) then I’m trapped in a loop.

VERY STRESSFUL.

Who would you be without the thoughts that you should be ashamed of yourself? Or that he is being too pushy, or that you need to escape?

I’m no longer frozen. I say “this is not really doing it for me, I don’t feel comfortable…when you just said that, did that, looked that way, I felt afraid.”

Without the belief that I shouldn’t talk about sexuality, I talk about it.

I look at the turnarounds, oh boy:

  • I am pushing too hard for no-sex in this conversation
  • I want connection NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately on MY TERMS
  • I’m creepy – I have my demand, secret desires, beliefs, wants that I’m not sharing and I’m also super judgmental
  • I need to stay right here and be truthful
  • I can trust my attractions, this man is interesting, and my attractions morph and change
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but I seem to think it’s Number 1
  • I wouldn’t be talking with him if I wasn’t attracted to him, so I care only about the sexual attraction
  • I’m too aggressive, demanding, want too much, too quickly – yes, look how I boss him around in my mind with my expectations

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done.This doesn’t mean that you have to invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

When I begin to speak up, say what I think, ask questions when I have them, say what I’m assuming, ask for what I want….

…in the spirit of love and kindness, laughter arises.

And great freedom.

No need to defend, protect myself, worry.

Even in this sensitive topic of sexuality….fun, play, ease.

Join the class in October if you’d like to examine some of the little (or big) stressful thoughts about sexual expression, an important sexual relationship you’re in, or past uncomfortable experiences.

“Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much Love, Grace