Tag: rejection

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Have you had the thought “they hate me!”?

I am loving the fabulous collective of people starting today the journey of the next six weeks doing The Work together on stressful thinking during Summer Camp For The Mind Immersion.

People have shared with me they are working on a relationship ending, racism, compulsive eating, lack of work, worry about the future, feeling rejected.

Oooh, rejection.

Have you ever thought “they hate me!”?

They hate me, this is dangerous, I’m afraid, I need to get away from them, I don’t understand them, they are accusing me, they should accept me instead of reject me.

An inquirer shared she had this thought about far more than only one person in her life.

It seemed to be a theme, a top hit.

I’ve had this thought that someone hates me when they go silent (perhaps especially when they do).

Often in my family of origin, instead of screaming, there was ghosting and cut-off. It seemed the better choice of the two (so much shame in screaming and “losing it”).

But what if no matter how people are reacting, even if they say “I HATE YOU!”….

….we could still question that story?

For the next Peace Talk Podcast Episode, that’s exactly what this inquirer questioned: the belief she was hated in a very specific moment when she received a look of hatred.

Maybe the one looking did not approve, and DID hate….and we can still totally question what we believe that apparent hatred means for us, for them, for the world.

Watch on youtube here, or listen on apple podcasts below.

Apple Podcasts: click HERE.
Or listen on the podcast website HERE.
If you know you could use a little tune up (or a big one) over the next six weeks ahead….and maybe find some creativity and lightness with The Work….then join the great group for summer camp (click the photo).
It’s kinda last minute, but you’re welcome anyway.
Come on board the peace train.

Much love,

Grace

 

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I was rejected

I wrote a long, friendly email. I sent it off. I expected a great response. A thumbs up. Instead….a no thank you. That won’t work for me.

Rejection.

Nothing like it.

We’re not talking failure. Or being forgotten. Or losing out.

REJECTION.

The word comes from the Latin word re, which means “back”, and jacere which means “to throw”. Throw back.

Like something you caught and you think…..ew. Gross. Get rid of it.

When we reject something, we notice it, and actually wish it was gone, or that we need to make it go away if at all possible.

Experiencing rejection is tough.

Energy coming from something else or someone else directed towards me, saying “get outta here!”

He rejected me. She rejected me. They rejected me.

Are you actually rejected though?

Can you absolutely be sure?

No.

Because I’m still existing. I live. I go about my daily life. They rejected me (I believe) but I’m still here, on planet earth. I can’t absolutely know I am rejected entirely, fundamentally, forever. I’m not even sure what that would look like….death? Banishment?

How do I react when I believe it’s possible to be rejected?

Ouch.

I’m very, very careful to never be rejected again. I’m cautious. I stay away from certain places, or people. I act non-rejectable. I get drawn to whatever people look like they are accepting, rather than rejecting.

I’m angry about rejection. I’m furious! I think righteously about that nasty person and what a nut-job they are. I defend myself. I’m the one who’s fine. THEY are the rejecting screw-ball. See what they’re like? I make a list of their faults. I reject them.

Who would I be without the belief they rejected me?

Wait, what?

But.

No really. Without the belief they rejected you? There they are being themselves, doing whatever they did, saying whatever they said….but you have no thought about it. You don’t know it means REJECTION.

What would that be like?

I’d see a person over there who’s acting frightened, maybe confused. Doing the best they can.

I’m over here, steady on, breathing, even open, curious.

Turning the thought around: they did NOT reject me. How could this be just as true, or truer? Even if they said “no” to you.

Well, I’m sitting in my lovely chair in my living room, looking out at the night sky beyond the window, noticing the quiet, the string lights illuminating the room. Not rejected. Living. Here.

I see that person was afraid, too. The one who I believe rejected me.

Turning it around again: I rejected myself. I rejected THEM. 

Oh wow.

How did I reject myself in this situation? How did I reject them?

This is not an exercise of aggression and self-criticism. It’s for taking a look at what could also be true, and seeing this energy called “rejection” and relaxing with it, instead of fighting it.

How could I have rejected myself, in that situation, and rejected that other person?

I did rip that person to shreds in my mind, calling them “needy” and “rude” and “too sensitive”. I rejected myself by finding criticism in the way I interacted with that other person. I had thoughts like “I should have known they would be rude” when I couldn’t ever have known what they were feeling. I had thoughts about myself like “I’m an idiot” when I really was just trying the best I could.

This rejection thing I did to me, to them….just as much as I believed they did it to me.

The best way I know to find peace with this thought about being rejected, is to question it, and then live the turnaround “I am accepted”.

How is it you are acceptable? How is it you are supported, claimed, held, loved? Even in the midst of that person who is supposedly doing a rejecting thing.

I am accepted. 

Can you keep finding examples?

“You need our approval, is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true you need our approval? What happens to your life when you believe you need our approval? Do you become the person THEY want you to be? You lose touch with yourself! The person you become, you don’t like. No wonder we don’t like ourselves. The person we don’t like isn’t us, it’s our facade. It’s what you pretended to be, to get our approval! But no matter what facade you put up, often you don’t get our approval anyway, and you certainly don’t get yours.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Seattle area inquirers: this coming Sunday meetup 4-6 pm at Goldilocks Cottage! Drop in, open group by donation. Let’s do The Work! For information visit HERE.

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Not Objecting to What Is with teenager, a laptop, and a queue the size of Montana

breakingfree
Life. A love story.

Ohhhh, yeah.

This is gonna be FANTASTIC, I have the BEST ideas.

I’m going to give my daughter a going-away present for college. Called my mac laptop airbook, the one I’m writing on right now.

Sure, it’s used. But it’s soooo amazing. It’s traveled with me without having one single weird or bad thing happen to it, oh trusted laptop, for 4 years. It’s got some good life left in it.

I need to upgrade so I can better support my classes and retreats. I need way more memory space on my machine. I’ve got curriculums designed, extensive feedback, photos to archive, and no one can find how to pay me on my website. Ever. Videos to make, podcasts to share. All created more easily on the new, faster-better laptop.

Win. Win.

I’m all excited. I tell her I’m going to do this, I can finally afford a device with more memory, and I’ll help her get all set up on mine.

She looks at me like….What??! Are you serious??!

“But mom, your computer will probably crash in one year. Macs are so junky, you have to upgrade them all the time. They only last five years! I don’t want that old thing, jeez!!”

Uhm. OK.

Not so Win Win as I thought.

This is not the first time, with this kid of mine, that I have it not only slightly off, but ENTIRELY WRONG.

However, I feel something inside and it’s different than the way I used to feel when she said things like this or surprised me with her reaction.

Calm.

Like, a shrug. Oh, OK. Got it.

I didn’t pursue it one more second. I’m not that surprised, I’m not hurt, I’m not having much of any reaction at all. (Every so often, wondering what she’s thinking about computers and if she needs one, then I forget about it).

A month goes by.

Daughter is leaving for college in 2 days. She approaches me as I sit on the couch writing.

“Mom….I don’t know what to do about a computer. I’m going to need one badly at college. I’m nervous.”

I look up and again, total calm–shocking. I say “remember I mentioned you could have this one?” I raise my laptop off my knees and tip my head.

“It’s all yours if you want it, I just need to get a replacement and figure out for sure if I can afford the upgrade.”

“Oh….I didn’t realize that’s what you meant before. Really??!!! That would be AWESOME.” She comes over and hugs me.

I have one day to go into the Apple Store and see what they’ve got, before she leaves for college, but I can’t tell you how different this pace and flow is from the past. The pace on the inside is total calm. The flow on the outside is just a relaxed ‘OK, we’ll see what happens’. No emergencies. No urgent wild freak-out. No saying she should have brought this up earlier, or figured it out weeks ago.

No saying “I TOLD you before and you were ungrateful, rude, and now it’s too late and rag, rag, rag….”

I just saw her cute eyes and her enthusiasm and her relief, and who knows what that was before, with the “junky macs” commentary. She didn’t even seem to remember it, and I didn’t require we go back there and review the “mistaken” communication in the past.

I’m just sayin’ here….there are results that I can find no other reason for happening than The Work.

I’ve sat with fuming feelings within around this daughter. I’ve felt hurt, and lost. I’ve felt confused, and shocked she doesn’t love exactly the same things as me. I’ve been mad she doesn’t vacuum before I have to ask. I’ve been startled at her forceful comments.

I’ve written a few worksheets.

I’ve imagined and felt what it would be like to Not Have The Belief she’s hurting me, she’s opposing me, she’s against me, she’s disrespecting me.

And now, I feel such gratitude for how much I love her and how wild and unexpected she is, like the weather, like reality….but always safe for me (I’ve never been hurt in her presence except by my own thoughts).

She’s been caring, challenging me. Like the ultimate “life” coach. She minces no words. She calls me on my B.S. especially when I expect people to like what I like.

TA: This is going just right.

I head down to the Apple store to check out the new goods, for myself, and get their help wiping my old laptop clean so my daughter can start fresh with her own stuff

Only….a small hitch.

There’s a line around the block of people waiting to get in to pick up their new Iphone 7.

For some reason….this is HILARIOUS.

I even go back 7 hours later and find….it’s even MORE crowded during early evening. They tell me no one can help me, too much hoopla over the Iphone thing. I’ll have to come check out new laptops another day.

I learn about ordering online, later, back at home.

Because I got to come back unexpectedly fast from the Apple Store, without anything new in my hands…..I got to see my former husband (father of my kids) bringing pizza over, talk to my son who stopped by for a couple of hours, help out with car-loading for the departure to college, and laugh.

Life is so funny.

This is strikingly different from what it used to be. When life was serious, irritating, gloomy and pointless.

Thank you, self-inquiry.

Thank you, “is it true?” question.

Thank you, imagination.

Keep going. Don’t stop doing The Work. This is definitely different, like a very, very, very slow dawning of the light. This is what being undisturbed is, on the inside. It’s OK if it leaves again (probably will) but oh what joy to get a taste of not objecting to what is.

Ha ha!

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious, and exactly what she needs. She sees that it’s a gift she has done nothing to deserve. She marvels at the way of it. She doesn’t make a distinction between sound and no sound, speaking of it or living it, seeing it or being it, touching it or feeling it touch her. She experiences it as constant lovemaking. Life is her own love story.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy 55

If you feel like practicing for four whole days next month, Thursday through Sunday October 13-16, then join the small group (maximum 14) Fall Retreat. We’re half way full. Seattle. Non-residential. Awesome. Come on over to my house. It will be good. Sign up here.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: What happens when you question “this is ugly!”

It’s so common to think your body is ugly, or some part of it is ugly, that I used to not even notice I was thinking it.

It was automatic. Like…of COURSE that needs improvement. Of COURSE that’s gross.

But after I learned how to do The Work of Byron Katie and question my stressful thoughts, I applied it to the belief “this is ugly”.

Wow.

In today’s video I share something I saw on my body not long ago, and I stared at it in fascination (a scar). In the past I would have thought of it as ugly, but on the inside I didn’t feel that old pain at all.

I give credit for that freedom to The Work.

You can do this, too.

Eating Peace: Do you think something about your body is ugly? You can find peace with this kind of thinking.
Eating Peace: Do you think something about your body is ugly? You can find peace with this kind of thinking.

Much love,

Grace
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Want A Do-Over In A Love Relationship?

Have you ever wanted a do-over when it comes to a relationship?

Lately I’ve done The Work with many people who have romantic partner troubles.

She left, he left, I need her, he’s gone, she shouldn’t have had other partners before me, he shouldn’t have found someone else so fast, she shouldn’t have kids with another man, I’ve been hurt, abandoned, I’ve lost the other person.

Woah, it’s a long and sad tale…..for many people, for centuries.

The funny thing is, it can even hurt when you know these thoughts aren’t actually true.

When my 16 year marriage was ending, I was shocked at the level of grief, rage and fear that sometimes surfaced.

As I did The Work carefully, investigating all my inner worries…

…I discovered that I used this experience to prove there was something wrong with me, that I had missed something, made a mistake, that I had become worthy of being left.

Ow. No wonder it hurt.

The ego-centered mind just LOVES to wind up being a victim and lash out at the world…it really gets off on it.

As I began to date people (I love close, intimate relationships, so this felt really natural) I had a brand new experience I hadn’t really been aware of before.

I twisted myself up like a pretzel trying to be pleasing!

Never again did I want anyone to decide to leave me, or even entertain the idea.

Trouble is, when you try to be sooooo easy-going, so perfect, so nice, so pleasant to be around…

…you can practically make yourself sick, literally, with the falseness of it all.

It’s so fake!

(I felt anxious, vulnerable and awful during that prezel-bending time–which just happens to be when I got a cancerous tumor on my leg).

Who would you be without the belief you need to figure out what someone else wants, and do that, in order not to be rejected or win their approval?

Who would you be without the belief that it’s possible to even be rejected or abandoned or approved of, at all?

Seriously.

What if someone breaking up with you was the same as them saying “bye honey, I’m leaving for work”!

You don’t freak out when that happens, right?

You consider it NORMAL.

It would be weird if they DIDN’T ever leave!!

What if you turned these thoughts around about yourself, or your need to please or protect yourself?

He set me free, she considered me strong and independent enough to handle it, I don’t need anyone (in a good way), she should have had every single partner and all they taught her, he should have found someone else very fast to free me up, so grateful she had kids with another man, I’ve been healed, I’ve been found, I am worthy of being set free, this was a repair (not a mistake), there is something right with me.

Woohoo!

Allow yourself to feel this, not just catch it mentally in your mind.

The joy is immense. There is no need for creating barriers or shields between yourself and others, or over-pleasing.

All you do is let yourself be right here, present, loving everyone around including yourself in this amazing moment.

And watch what happens.

Here’s an example of the total goofiness in trying to carefully calculate what might please someone else….from one of my favorite movies ever….

….Groundhogs Day….

….which is TODAY!!

Laugh and be free! You get a do-over!!

Bill Murray - Best scenes from the movie

Love, Grace

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You Are Interesting

This morning the current MONEY teleclass met at our usual hour, barely light at 8 am, eagles chirping away in the pine tree where they like to sit behind my little cottage, me on my couch with my headphones connected to skype.

As people shared their thoughts from the journaling prompt, and then a situation they identified as very stressful when someone didn’t want what they had to offer….

…I marveled at how often I’ve experienced this thought, or worried about potentially having the thought, in my life:

“That person is not interested in what I’m offering”. 

This can be so complex and gritty, a whole network and system of ideas and troubling beliefs.

It may or may not have to do with money.

First of all, what do I mean by “offering” something? Is that why anyone would be interested in me…at all…because they think I have something to offer them?

And what is “not interested” and how do I know it’s true that they aren’t?

Is it a look on their face, an unreturned phone call, no email reply, or are they shouting NO I AM NOT INTERESTED!

If they’re shouting, does it really mean they aren’t?

(Remember my favorite book Green Eggs and Ham? That guy Sam-I-Am kept asking ‘are you interested?’ and after 859 No’s he got a Yes).

Why was Sam-I-Am so persistent anyway?!!

So is it true that the person in question is not interested in what I’m offering? Maybe yes, maybe no.

I’m only stressed with this belief when I think they should be, when I want them to be, when I think it will be uncomfortable or sad if they aren’t.

Like that cute man one time who was a professional surfer….

YES! It’s true! That person is not interested!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

YES. He said no. She didn’t sign up for the class. They didn’t offer me the job. He never called back. No one bought my product. She broke up with me.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

What I heard in our class today that seemed most painful was the running voice that people had about themselves.

It means (ouch) that I am not interesting. I did something wrong. It means I have nothing worth offering.

Wow, harsh.

So who would you be without the thought that someone isn’t interested and it means you aren’t interesting?

Who would you be without the thought that it might have been nicer if they had been interested?

For me…..wildly free.

Back into myself seeing what I want in the moment….what I am moved to do next.

Someone in the class said “I would be clear, I would ask a direct question”.

I might be Sam-I-Am and be having a ball asking….”how ’bout on a train? with a mouse? on a boat?”

Trying on every possibility with humor and joy.

I might hear a “no” and move on. I’d feel playful, efficient, clear.

I turn the thoughts around:  

That person is not interested in what I have to offer, that person should not be interested, I am not interested in what they are offering me (a “no” for example), I am not interested in what I offer myself. 

Wow, I do see where I’ve stopped asking, quit, shut down, moved away with sadness, felt disappointment, been upset with myself, no longer found myself superbly interesting…

….right in that moment when I’ve believed I want that otherperson to be interested in me.

“You have everything you need in order to be an honest human being. No one ever has to be afraid of the truth. It’s the defenses that we build around the truth that strike fear into our hearts.” ~ Byron Katie

When I stop believing that someone else should be interested in what I have to offer, I feel how fun it is to be interested in myself, and interested in my work, and interested in money, or relationships, or friendship, in a really fun way.

Oh boy!

“What the world doesn’t tell you–because it doesn’t know–is that you cannot BECOME successful. You can only BE successful. Don’t let a mad world tell you that success is anything other than a successful present moment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Today, as people say yes and no and come toward me or move away…I stay in my integrity, humor, and love for myself…

….whatever level of interest they have.

Success is present, right now. You are success.

With much love, Grace

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They Might Reject Me

Close, connected, real, honest conversation is one of the most joyful or energizing experiences humans can have.

People speaking what they really think and feel, and asking questions of another, and saying what is hard to reveal or what’s actually going on in their lives can be life-shifting.

Really….one conversation can have such a powerful affect on someone, they may decide to change something big in their lives, or feel inspired to move in a direction only previously imagined.

This essence of genuine, vulnerable sharing has been something human beings do with each other perhaps since they first came into existence.

And humans also hold back what they are thinking, feeling, wondering. They hold back asking questions or bringing up hard topics.

For me, when I’ve had a difficult time saying something to someone that I really do want to say, or asking a question I’d really love to know the answer to….it’s usually got something to do with these beliefs:

  1. I could be rejected
  2. I could hurt the other person’s feelings
  3. If I hurt the other person’s feelings, they might leave or hate me—see #1.

Oh horrors! I might produce anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration or fear in that other person! They might produce the same inside of me!

I jest….but it feels like a gigantic risk when these big troubling feelings could happen and BECAUSE of these feelings, you could be rejected.

One of my favorite authors and wise-guys, Anthony DeMello, said that he discovered inside himself that he had this kind of relationship with God (whatever God was for him).

He wanted God’s love, attention, care…and thought there was a risk of losing these things.

But being the defiant and interesting Jesuit priest he was, he decided to talk with God and tell him that he didn’t need him. Even though this was the opposite approach he had grown up with and always been taught.

“If I need you to make me happy, I’ve got to use you, I’ve got to manipulate you, I’ve got to find ways and means of winning you. I cannot let you be free. I can only love people when I have emptied my life of people. When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take it for a while, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. Is is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower.”~ Tony DeMello

So I question the belief “being rejected is terrible” first of all….and then the belief “I am being rejected”. I mean, I have to assume I’m being rejected first, and THEN that it’s a bad thing, a terrible thing, and something to avoid!

It’s terrible if someone doesn’t like me, rages at me, attacks me, is rude….it’s terrible if they become scared of me and run away, or feel ashamed because of some interaction with me, or vanish.

Is that true? Am I sure it’s terrible? Am I sure that they are indeed rejecting ME?

No. Their strong emotions may show that they are challenged by something that has nothing to do with me. They might be too freaked out to hear what I’m saying, they might be upset by something that has occurred in their past, they might feel defensive because they are uncertain and insecure.

How they are acting MEANS something bad…rejection, non-acceptance, abandonment, danger.

How about the Universe? If upsetting, difficult things happen in the world, surrounding me, does it mean I am bad, wrong, rejected, abandoned?

Is it true that I need God (or the Universe, if you prefer) to love me, and that I need to earn this love and make sure I’m not rejected? OR ELSE.

Pema Chodron speaks of this huge desire to be loved and not rejected. In Buddism, it is called “shenpa”.

“Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens – that’s the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we’re talking about where it touches that sore place – that’s a shenpa.” ~Pema Chodron

The freedom that can come forth by questioning the belief that you need acceptance, or that you’re not getting it, is astonishing.

Who would you be without the thought that you need anyone else’s love, including God’s love?

What if you already have all the love you need?

You may enjoy those beautiful, deep, authentic, loving conversations even more. The people who can really have them with you, in this moment in time, may appear with open arms.

If someone runs for the hills….it’s not personal. Love is everywhere. It is in them leaving, it is in their strong caustic-sounding words, it is alive and passionate in every moment.

Even this quiet one, with no one else in the room.

“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.”~Tao Te Ching #33

Love, Grace