pain – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

November 28, 2017

Was I teaching peace? Or fear?

First Friday open call for everyone is this Friday December 1st at 7:45 – 9:15 am Pacific time. Join HERE.

Wow, people are flying in and making AirBnB reservations nearby, or staying with friends, or commuting to Seattle December 8-10. Because of time of year, last-minute prep and the lower expense of having it right in my own cottage, the fee is only $195 for Friday 9:30 am through Sunday noon.

If you’d really like to come Friday all-day only, you’re welcome for $95. If you’re experienced in The Work and want to come Saturday afternoon only 12/9 from 2:00-6:00 let me know, there may be room to make this work. To join us in what will surely be an inner adventure, sign up HERE for all 3 days. Hit reply if you have any question or see a different arrangement working for you.

I can’t wait. I love what’s possible when you allow new ideas to pop in and unfold–which is this retreat itself. I love someone’s coming from California, and another from the east coast. What a time to do The Work, in this wet, dark, rainy atmosphere when sometimes Other People and The World can be daunting.

For example.

I saw an old familiar sort of post the other day on facebook, with a deeply troubled objection to The Work. Or perhaps the objection was to the world, to life, to what is seen by the mind.

I totally get what Byron Katie is telling us … “it hurts when I argue with reality” … but sometimes it is so hard to even imagine not arguing with the horrors that are happening all around us and the immeasurable suffering involved. Much of the time it feels so cynical. (FACEBOOK post)

Someone else then chimed in that she thinks of sex trafficking, abduction, drug use, slavery…and how could anyone ever say to victimized children that they should love what is?

My heart sunk in the sadness of the approach, and the misunderstanding. I hope no one ever says to someone suffering deeply “you should love what is”.

Actually, someone doing their own inquiry work, I can’t imagine being able to say it. It would be so opposite of compassion, unconditional care, or doing The Work–which is an Inside Job.

And ONLY an inside job.

But I could feel the despair in what these people wrote.

It’s a profound wondering to look out into the world, that appears to be filled with destruction, environmental change (I just learned since 1970 the world’s wild animal population has been cut in half), mass shootings, war, violence, starvation, pollution, poverty, anger, suffering, unkindness….

….and hold what we see up against the powerful phrase “loving what is.”

Are you telling me to love THAT?!

Fortunately, what I’ve found is no one is ever telling me anything.

All The Work is….is four questions.

I have to be the one doing the actual work of inquiry. I get to find out if I love what is, or don’t love it, and the true deepest meaning of “love” and how to sit with reality even when it breaks my heart.

I get to see that there is no division of the world cut into evil and good, love and hate, life and death, terrible and wonderful.

Everything is all mixed up together….all the time.

When I do The Work one thought at a time, slowed down, considering and contemplating each individual situation I’ve noticed I’m arguing with, is the outcome isn’t my old definition of “love”.

I’m opened, in a new way, to what is. My heart is broken open sometimes. It’s not exactly soft, friendly.

Once I thought I heard Byron Katie say “I’m asking you to go into hell. This is not easy.” Although I’m not sure of the quote.

And yet it’s my experience. The Work isn’t for sissies. We’re going to hell. On purpose. (Or because if you’re like me, you’ve tried absolutely everything else and you have no other choice really).

Questioning the destruction or brutal nature of incidents, of things that frighten me like disease and death, fighting and violence….

….this process called The Work does not lead to passivity.

It doesn’t lead to me knowing what anyone else should do or not do. It does not lead to me needing something from other people in order to be happy, or living alone in a bubble.

It doesn’t lead me to pure detachment, or thinking no one or nothing else matters in an apathetic kind of way, or a resigned way. I find apathy and resignation to feel stressful, and therefore worthy of inquiry of course.

But let’s see. Hmmm.

The only way I know to work with a stressful thought?

The Work.

The people on facebook and all those who think doing The Work means standing and looking at other peoples’ suffering without action, without caring or attention….

….they should understand they’re mistaken.

They shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual self-centeredness. They should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. They should understand.

Is it true?

No. What’s the reality?

They see lots of pain in the world, and they don’t see how looking at the pain differently would change it. They want to see empowered action, movement, healing, kindness. I do too.

How do I react when I believe those people shouldn’t judge The Work as condoning violence, or abuse of children, or that it preaches to people to love what is?

Frustrated. Irritated. Sad. Wanting to set them straight and explain to them what’s really true.

Who would I be without the thought?

Starting to compose a rare facebook post to try to explain or respond….and deleting it. Understanding their suffering and pain.

Doing my own work, instead. Signing up to attend a meeting to get involved in climate change work, this very week. Just did it.

Working with myself and others on their experiences of abuse, rape, cancer, illness, death, suicide, addiction, fear and terror.

Being profoundly moved by sitting in this work and then being called to live my turnarounds as best I can. Getting involved with a compassionate heart, not an angry one.

Not fighting or thinking anyone’s wrong to have their opinion.

Turning the thought around: They should say and think and feel exactly what they do.

They’re right.

There are horrors, immeasurable suffering, and arguments with it all.

Turning it around again: I myself who thinks doing The Work means standing and looking at my own (or others’) suffering without action, without caring or attention….

….I should understand I am mistaken.

I shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual anything. I should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. I should understand others, and myself.

Have I ever treated doing The Work as something that allows me to stand and look at suffering without action, or care?

Wow. Yes. I once kept doing The Work over and over again on the same person because I felt so angry. He was a person full of suffering–he said so himself. He told me to leave him alone, and I didn’t.

I wasn’t caring for my own suffering. I wasn’t caring for his requests. I did The Work with a motive not to be angry, so I could keep pestering him and avoid looking at my own life.

I also forget that my path is no better than anyone else’s path, that I have nothing they don’t also have. I think I know more or better than someone who wrote something on facebook, who I’ve never met before. I forget I’m not in charge.

“Just as we use stress and fear to motivate ourselves to make money, we often rely on anger and frustration to move us to social activism. If I want to act sanely and effectively while I clean up the earth’s environment, let me begin by cleaning up my own environment. All the trash and pollution in my thinking–let me clean up that by meeting it with love and understanding. Then my action can become truly effective. It takes just one person to help the planet. That one is you.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Thank you people who posted on facebook, and thank you news, and reports, and speeches and rallies and images, movies, pictures, radio information, and very troubling happenings of any kind (that mostly seem to occur on my computer I notice)….you show me my invitation to help the planet.

To see the planet as helping me.

To bring out the best, most truly effective action possible, without expectation or demand of any kind.

“You learn to resolve problems peacefully within yourself, and now we have a teacher. Fear teaches fear. Only peace can teach peace.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

October 5, 2017

It’s too much. I quit.

Wow. Unexpected incoming communication.

Two people can’t make the fall retreat.

A dear friend passed away of cancer.

Surprise news that what I thought I was offering in Year of Inquiry for “credit” was not the case inside Institute for The Work.

I hear a story about a very close friend from his family member that’s sort of shocking and weird.

Violence in Las Vegas.

More hurricanes.

Someone sends a really direct, cold email asking “Why did you do that? Don’t ever do that again!”

Weird, abrupt commentary and communication. A lot of it.

I notice I feel a little taken aback. Something’s shaky. The world seems a bit wobbly, or my feelings about the future. I sense things moving away from me. I feel like sadness is behind things, surprise and hurt, and grief.

I’m now anticipating something else could be incoming. I’m bracing myself. Storms.

I have an image of someone getting beaten up or kicked and they just go into a protective ball and wait until the one doing the kicking stops. (And I suppose the one kicking is the world, reality).

Kind of dramatic. Definitely Not Friendly.

I note that none of the incoming pieces of information are unmanageable all by themselves. I even laughed when one of two of them first arrived. Chuckle…that story about my dear friend can’t be true, can it? Haw…that’s bizarre with the whole credit-offering process for my year long immersion program getting withdrawn.

Yikes…that person’s email is so over-the-top. Ouch, in-breath gasp, more shootings. Ack, so many people without shelter.

It’s just they started adding up.

The reason I could tell I was getting a little over-filled with some dramatic or sudden incoming information or cold human behavior?

I had the thought “I’m shutting everything down.”

When I have this thought, it means I’m believing something’s too much, too heavy, too chaotic, too difficult….and one of my Go-To thoughts is STOP IT ALL!

In one hour I imagined selling my little cottage, breaking up with my husband, leaving the city I live in, canceling my plans to build a cottage for my mom in my back yard, quitting my business, and ditching town for another continent.

I know I need to do The Work, when this happens. Even if I’m not believing everything I think.

This is too much. I can’t take it anymore.

Have you ever had this thought? You’re getting pushed to the limit. Not one more thing.

An inquirer the other day in our Year of Inquiry group was just feeling liberated after doing a month of The Work around his separation from his wife. Then they skyped, she told him some different news, and he had the thought “Not more of this! I can’t take it!”

Another inquirer I once worked with had done several years of The Work around her suicidal teenaged daughter. The threats were in the past, she felt alive and free again. And then her daughter said she was pregnant. “Noooo! I can’t take this! I’m pushed past my limit!”

One of my relatives had a fender bender, and hours later had her purse stolen, and a few hours after that her toilets overflowed in her house. “This is too much! Why me?!”

It’s funny how sometimes the stress piles up. It’s one thing, then another, then another. Piling up to feel like the water’s getting too deep and we’re going to drown.

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true?

Waaaah. Yeeeesssss. It’s too much at once. Nooooo moooore!

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Sniff.

How do you react when you believe it’s too much and you can’t take it!?

I feel smaller, closed in. I have images of the collapse of life as I know it. Doom. Gloom. Scary pictures. Separation. I don’t feel helpful to other people. I pull in and do Sea Anemone Pose. (That’s the yoga pose of those little sea creatures when they squeeze into a tiny ball because something threatening is swimming overhead).

Who would you be without this thought that it’s just too much?

Noticing how life has gone on, quite fully.

Someone else sent a beautiful, friendly, kind email. Someone called and left a lovely message. Someone pinged facebook messenger with a sweet question about a mutual friend. One of my favorite broadway guys raised a ton of money for Puerto Rico.

I hear the dryer full of laundry rolling around, comfortingly. The quiet sun coming through the blinds. The soft eyes of an inquirer who came to spend 3 hours of time (a mini-retreat) with me yesterday afternoon who shared so honestly.

I consider the profound sorrow and courage of the Year of Inquiry group this week going deep, deep, deep as we entered our Family of Origin topic and people did The Work on their childhood despair, violence, fear, suicide, uncomfortable sexual moments, feeling shame.

Hmmm. Holding all this is a lot.

But not too much. I’m breathing. I’m writing. I’m here.

Turning the thought around: It’s not too much. My thinking is too much. “It” is too little.

Could these be just as true, or truer?

I see that “it” (reality, the world, all these communications, what I’m going through) is not too much. I’m alive. I’m still upright.

My thinking is the thing filled with images, threats, future fears. It repeats the same concerns over and over again. Someone wrote me one cold email, and I consider it 12 times more. A friend gets sick and dies, and I feel the whole world is sad. I see images of terrible weather patterns increasing.

What about the turnaround that “it” (reality, all the incoming experiences) are too little?

Too little to change the inner sense of being here, feeling alive. Too little compared to the vastness of all I can be aware of, which is much more than all these things.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses

your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its

heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the

daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem

less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart,

even as you have always accepted the seasons that

pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the

winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician

within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy
in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by
the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has
been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has
moistened with His own sacred tears.

Kahlil Gibran

Who would I be without my story? Doing what I can to help. Connecting with other people. Feeling peace, silence, being.

Watching how things come, and go, like waves or the tide.

Much love,

Grace

June 15, 2017

Sickness: When there’s no hope, you’re free

Those of you who wanted to join the Masterclass: Ten Barriers To Deepening Your Work today at 8 am Pacific Time, you can sign up HERE. Then I’ll send the replay out only to those who want it. Bring your pen and paper.

And as I’m writing this, I’m thinking “Is this going to be OK for tomorrow?”

Because I have a rather severe cold, fever, pounding ears, sore throat. I can’t remember being this sick in ages.

Crazy!

I should NOT be sick.

This is an amazing thought to question. No matter what kind of illness, it often appears.

I shouldn’t have cancer, I shouldn’t experience this ailment. I shouldn’t feel so lousy. I should be able to go outside, eat dinner, run the masterclass webinar.

Sometimes, we can become absolutely terrified with the belief that we shouldn’t be feeling physically sick. Like a huge screaming NO!

Is it true I shouldn’t be sick right now?

Yes. I hate it. This is terrible. I’m trying to work, here, to keep my schedule! (Shake fist at sky).

What kind of images come to mind?

Staying in bed for days and days. Unable to go on. Sometimes, I confess, when I’ve had this thought I imagine being on my death bed. I think about how this body is declining ultimately, and will fade away and die.

I think about my daughter being sick when she was here for 24 hours this past weekend. She brought it into the house!

The mind tries to figure out how to prevent this from ever happening again in the future. I clench up against the physical pain, stare into space as I lie on the bed. Sleep during the day.

But who would I be without this thought I shouldn’t be sick, when I am?

Relaxing into what is, it seems. Letting it be here, like this. Achy, listening to the rain, noticing how more sleep will be good, watching that incredibly…I seem to be writing this Grace Note and I don’t see why not.

Turning this thought around: I should be sick.

This isn’t a slap, or a way to point out what’s wrong with me, or that I deserved it. Never those things.

But why should I be sick, when I am?

I have a human body, that’s why. This body is a host to other organisms, and it’s doing its thing to get rid of something that landed here, apparently. I don’t mind resting. I like it.

I feel very grateful and appreciative for my general good health. I can’t remember the last time I was this sick, it’s been a very long time (years).

Why else should I be sick, when I am?

I listened to music this afternoon sent to me by a friend last week while I was still traveling. It was a meditation, relaxation thing on youtube, very slow and quiet. I got to contemplate the mind, silence, while lying flat in the bed today.

I felt OK this morning, so this has come on very quickly and intensely, and a client I had scheduled for all afternoon cancelled because HE was sick….so far everything’s rolling along as expected, just with sickness accompanying the ride.

I still facilitated the Thursday evening Year of Inquiry call, and could listen, enjoy the inquiry, love everyone there. My work, like the call, is done from home so it doesn’t really matter if I’m sick or not. Until it does.

I’m not sure why else I should be sick, except when I consider this turnaround….I feel a sense of laughter, what-do-I-know, mystery, and readiness to climb into bed again. No choice. I’m not in charge or running this here. It’s a happening.

Turning it around again: My thinking should not be sick. Especially when it comes to sickness. So true. I can work myself into a tizzy about an ailment, or let go.

Another turnaround I notice is that “I” am not actually sick. Not the part of me that’s always here, the steady consciousness that’s been around from before I even knew about it.

“People who know there’s no hope are free; decisions are out of their hands. It has always been that way, but some people have to die bodily to find out. No wonder they smile on their deathbeds. Dying is everything they were looking for in life: they’ve given up the delusion of being in charge. When there’s no choice, there’s no fear. They begin to realize that nothing was ever born but a dream and nothing ever dies but a dream.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

June 1, 2016

How do want nothing, other than what is?

Work With Grace — “Inquiry is grace. It wakes up inside you, and it’s alive, and there’s no suffering that can stand against it.” ~ Byron Katie

We’re in Month #10 of Year of Inquiry. The final quarter of the year.

Our topic is to go to your worst fears, your deepest stressful beliefs, your experience of loss, endings, death, goodbyes.

You don’t have to conjure up a horrible scenario (although this can be really fascinating to do with The Work–to look at what frightens you most and take it to inquiry).

We’re looking sincerely at what’s occurring in life, how we’re feeling about All This, and writing down what we think about it.

Now here’s a weird thing going on with people in Year of Inquiry, and it’s happened before.

Some are facing the illness of people they love, or recent near-death of someone they know, or a slightly new chapter on a life situation like a job ending, a decision looming, separation from their partner. Someone even began yesterday with a one-month sabbatical from their work, coinciding with this topic of change, fear, loss, or worry.

Maybe, it’s just that people when doing The Work as a regular practice month to month begin to get to the core underlying beliefs they really, truly, honestly want to question.

Our greatest worries and fears.

One incredibly powerful expression uttered by Byron Katie is the following saying that knocked my mind open the first time I heard it, and it still blows me away: “The only problem, is an unquestioned thought.”

Wait….what?

With all the difficulty, sadness, grief, shock and horrifying things that happen in the world….

….can it really be true that the thoughts about what’s happening is what causes the most pain?

The mind will race around, ready to argue that if you accept what is, you won’t “fight” for what’s right, or help change the world, or change your own life for the better.

Surely, says the mind, it’s the event, the way something happened, the way that person acted, the words I heard, the thing I lost….

….that created pain.

Right?

If it had not happened that way, then I’d be fine.

Are you sure, though?

Are you positive you can’t be fine, even with all the sh*t that went down? Are you absolutely sure you can’t be happy, even though you lost him or her or that?

Who would you be without your story that when “x” happens (death, pain, cancer, bankruptcy, divorce, injury, conflict, mental illness)….

….It. Is. Awful.

What if the opposite was true?

What if something, at least one thing, came out of whatever happened……that served me, or someone else?

What if it simply wasn’t as devastating as I thought? What if, even though people die, or I will die, I can trust the way it goes?

I notice death and endings and loss happen.

What if this is the way of it, reality…..and it’s OK? Even good? Or atleast undetermined and unknown?

Can I really know as much as God or the whole totality of the universal plan? Can I be sure of what I’m seeing when using only my mind to decide what’s good and what’s bad?

Can I really know the things I’ve learned, or believed, to be terrible…..ARE terrible?

No. I can’t answer “yes” honestly.

I do not know that what I believe to be horrific, or devastating, or terrifying eternally fundamentally is horrific.

When something seriously difficult has happened, I’ve hated it at first maybe, or been afraid, but I’ve lived through it (so far)….

….and I can’t find a time I didn’t learn something, grow in some way, change for the better, find connection with others, become amazed by the support available, or find love at the bottom of the fear.

Try it for yourself.

Find the worst thing that ever happened to you.

Write it down, so you don’t switch around the words or get tricky or decide you’d rather not look at this troubling thought.

Take it to inquiry.

It may be the best thing you ever did for yourself….to question your mind.

“And then the full horror of the situation appeared…..Immediately inquiry arose: ‘I am this’–is it true? Is it true that I am this forever? How do I react when I believe that? What would I be without the thought?….Thought and questions arose at the same instant and canceled each other out. The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort….I wanted nothing other than what is.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you’d like to sit in the presence of Byron Katie via live video as they stream her silent retreat from Switzerland July 9-12 (only 6 weeks away) then please join me for only $165 to attend the entire event in a large, very comfortable, private retreat lodge in far northeast Seattle area. Already half full, there is space for you if you need/want to spend the night (for a very reasonable additional fee–please let me know if you’re interested).

Last year we filled to the max (24) so I encourage you to sign up now. If you can only attend a part of the retreat, you will still have individual access to the videos of Katie for a minimum of one day (everyone will get to sign up for their favorite additional personal viewing time–when they can log-in by themselves in their own home through August 31st.)

Being With Byron Katie retreat is a once-a-year experience and no other retreats are like it. Our local Seattle event will be held in silence in between all sessions with Katie, and we’ll watch all sessions on a huge flat screen, and listening together.

To sign up for this amazing (and remarkably inexpensive way to be with Katie for 4 days) please click HERE.

Much love, Grace

February 19, 2016

I hate thinking about this

darkness1 — peace is possible in every situation, even the one you hate thinking about

What do you do if you’re anxious, concerned, or troubled about what MIGHT happen in the future?

If the FUTURE is the thing stressing you out, how do you do The Work, or inquire, on that imaginary circumstance?

Someone asked me to write about this the other day.

Great question.

My first response is to chuckle a little….

….because that imaginary future scene we’re so afraid of feels like TOTAL imagination and making up a worrisome story, right?

Except, these memories or situations from the past….they’re also filled with imagination.

You might think….no.

That can’t be true.

In the past, this terrible horrible thing really did happen. I know it. I was there!

Doing The Work isn’t about denial, or saying something actually did not occur, because that would be weird or a bit crazy.

But this work is about investigating what we decided about that thing that occurred in the past. Our conclusions, the idea that we never, ever want to go through that again because we’re certain it wasn’t safe, it shouldn’t have happened, and it was unsurvivable.

Throughout life, to make matters worse, we learn about tough things happening to other people….and it’s natural to conclude that if bad things happen to people in this world, THEY’LL HAPPEN AGAIN!

And maybe to ME!

HHHEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!!

With the logical mind, you’d almost be bonkers NOT to conclude this.

But what I love about The Work is, we’re entering the mind, thoughts, imagination, thinking, visualizing and wondering what’s really true….

….and feeling what it would be like without believing our thoughts.

So let’s do a little exploration of Future Worries today and inquire.

Picture one of those upsetting things happening to you in the future.

If you really want to go for it, you can picture The Worst That Could Ever Happen.

I know this idea is intense.

You might want to do it in a group, or with a facilitator, and make sure you have support–you do anyway, no matter what, but having people with you can help.

(Just remember, it’s all in the mind, you are actually safe even if you think of horrible things).

I did this work myself.

The worst thing I could ever imagine happening was my kids dying suddenly.

It made me feel nauseated and I’d shout “DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT!” at myself.

I remember how vividly I considered this loss right after my first child was born.

My son, lying in his tiny car seat, seemed too delicate to even place in a car. I suddenly felt like I should never ever leave the house. Ever.

I was stunned with what I had just done. I had given birth and created such an intense tie with this human life, it dawned on me I could lose it.

I WOULD lose it, one day.

We were in separate bodies now (unlike pregnancy), and one of us would move on out of a body, who knew when, into this thing called “death” and the other “left behind” for awhile longer. That’s the only thing that could be known. No timing of it, no order of it, nothing else could ever be known about this process of traveling through this temporary life. My child might die before me, or me before child.

Only one thing was for certain. We both would eventually die.

So I sat with this imaginary horror show experience. Both my children dying.

Let’s do The Work.

Is your terrible vision something you are sure you couldn’t handle?

Are you positive it would be impossible to go on clearly, if it did?

Can you find, even a teensy eensy speck, of acceptance that these things do happen in reality, and life does indeed go on, and people not only survive but thrive sometimes?

Are you sure it’s true what you think about such difficulties isactually true?

Are you certain it’s as horrible as you think in this moment right now?

Byron Katie used to have a question she’d ask from time to time. It’s pretty blunt, and might sound kind of harsh.

And yet, I find very worthy of deep consideration.

“Who needs God, when we have your opinion?”

Gulp.

Even if you don’t like the word “God” you can substitute “Reality” or “Life” or “What Is”.

You mean….I might be….wrong? Or have one tiny perspective here that’s not the whole entire picture?

Oh. Right.

I notice, even if I don’t like something, or am terrified of death, hardship, separation, whatever….these events exist.

Could I look at them differently?

Who would you be without the belief that this vision you have, that’s pretty worrisome or devastating to think about….is bad, terrible, not handle-able, total destruction, evil or wrong?

Again, you aren’t denying the heart-breaking experience of loss, and change, and the feelings that pour out of it.

In fact, I learned of someone today, who I don’t know personally, whose son and 11 month old grandson were killed by a drunk driver one week ago.

I burst into tears.

But without the thought that this should never happen, or that nothing ever good comes out of it…..

…..without feeling terror of it, or against it, what might this be like?

You know when you go to the movies, and you see a very sad event occur, and you’re filled with sadness or fear? You might even cry in the movie theater.

Then the movie ends, and you wipe your eyes and ponder. Maybe you even sit quietly for awhile, in silence.

You’re aware that something deep has moved in you, and it’s moved through you because you felt.

You also know, it’s not real.

It was just a story.

Stories seem to happen in the human condition. Every kind of story you ever dreamed of (or had a nightmare about) happens in the human condition.

Everything.

But who are you, right now, without knowing exactly WHY anything happens or even needing to know?

Who would you be if you could relax in the presence of suffering, and hard stories, and the mind imagining all kinds of troubling things whether past or future?

What do you notice is here, besides “thinking”?

Even if you have visions of the apocalypse….what do you notice is here, now, holding all these stories and surrounding these difficult visions?

“Love can take everything into itself and remain complete – it can take in heartbreak, pain, fear, anger, sadness, total devastation. It can be crucified over and over again, and still remain whole. It knows no opposite, no enemy, no other. Only itself. Eternally, timelessly, Now.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

Now….here’s the interesting part.

Turn your thoughts around about that possible scene making you anxious about the future.

Could anything interesting, or good, or beneficial, or helpful come out of that vision that scares or repulses you?

Has anything OK come out of that kind of thing ever before in the history of humanity?

As I do this work again today, I’m brought back to my nightmare vision of my kids dying.

What would be OK about it, or what might happen after that happens, or is there anything at all I can think of that would be acceptable about my nightmare?

What I thought about at the time was hard, but miraculous that I could find even one thing. I found three.

I wouldn’t have to worry about making enough money to support them, feed them, pay for college–I was financially in ruins later on in life and horrified I couldn’t buy them clothes, school supplies, or music lessons.
I could move anywhere I wanted in the entire world.
They would never have to suffer through losing me, or their dad, or just about anyone in their lives.

If you can’t find any examples, let it sit there.

Notice in the world what has happened when the thing you’re afraid of has occurred in someone else’s life.

“I just met my thinking with a little understanding. I no longer saw it as an enemy that needed to die, go away, be–what was the term we used?–let go of it. Why would I let go of one of my children? Does that make sense? Our thoughts are our children. Why would we want to banish them? Why can’t we just join with them? And that’s what this Work does: it meets every concept with understanding.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you want to question your wants about the future that appear favorable….the ones you cross your fingers for, pray for, hope for, come inquire and open to peace, now. Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295.

January 27, 2016

Breathe Life….even if you hurt somewhere

Ow.

My neck was killing me last night.

As in, excruciating.

Those two tendons or whatever they are that come up the back of your head….oy.

They were like a headache but in the neck, and I don’t get headaches hardly ever (one thing I do NOT have a propensity towards most of my life, kinda nice).

After some discussion with family members, I realized it’s probably the slight bend down position I’m taking as I write, and look at the computer all day with people on skype, or look (again, at the computer) at my screen during the teleconference classes I teach.

Uh oh.

Could it be I am looking at a computer too much?

This never happened before like this.

My mind kicked in with a few stressful thoughts.

It’s hilarious how dramatic they were.

“I have to stop doing what I do for a living!”

“It’s all down hill from here!”

“My eyes are getting worse and worse!”

If you’ve ever had a condition that created pain, whether mild or very big pain….

….the mind often has the opinion that it should go away, naturally.

Nothing wrong with this, but you can also get super stressed about it. The pain is bad, it could return, I don’t ever want it to come back again, I hate this, my life sucks with this pain, this is a terrible situation.

I notice, with the thought, I feel discouraged and tired. Almost like a giving up sensation.

Why bother. Woah is me. Sad day.

But who would you be without the belief that it’s TERRIBLE to have pain?

Interesting, right?

I notice it doesn’t mean I don’t take an ibuprofen, or go to the doctor, or change up my seating position at home, or seek counsel where I can to help heal, or love when someone brings me food because I’m too broken to go get it myself (like my hamstring operation two years ago).

It feels different, not feeling terrible about pain or sickness. It feels different not feeling hopeless about pain or sickness.

Maybe that alone is so sweet and tender, it holds the entire experience differently.

I turn the thought around: my neck hurting is……wonderful?

LOL.

It’s not to be weird about it. Only looking to see, could there be advantages?

Can I notice what is OK, even if something in the body hurts?

I look around the room, I turn off my computer, I decide to go dance instead of working on a proposal for an upcoming conference.

“How To Love Yourself by Jeff Foster

When you change your focus
what is absent
to what is present,
what is missing
to what has been given,
what you are not
towards what you are,
the ravages of linear time
to the immediacy of Now
you’re reconnecting
with love, truth and beauty,
and abundance is yours,
effortlessly.

For truly,
nothing is missing here, where you are,
nothing is missing in this present scene in the movie of your life,
and are forever busy,
and at a point of completeness.

The only reason
why you can not find the Unit
it is because it never came out.

The day is waiting to be lived.

So breathe life friend,
Breathe life.”

Much love,

Grace

October 19, 2015

Stay With The Shakiness of Someone Not Liking You, It’s Worth It

Teen girl resent — Stabbed in the heart by that person? Staying with the broken, hurt place brings you to your humanity.

One night a week, Mondays, became family dinner night several years ago.

Everyone knows I don’t really like to cook.

I have no trouble with cooking, and I love to eat absolutely anything anyone creates (I have zero pickiness) and I love doing the dishes.

I really do not enjoy trying to figure out what to eat, choose the item, find the recipe, and actually cook or make it.

I’d make a smoothie and feel perfectly happy.

At some point I stopped trying to like to cook.

When my kids were little, I always made dinner every night. I had the same 5 things I created over and over–they were really good.

Creativity was not my interest in this department.

Then divorce happened.

Something kind of gave up trying to do whatever you’re supposed to do around meals.

I dropped the “I should(s)…..”

So after a time of the change in the family configuration, and everything starting all over again without the images in place any more of what it was supposed to look like….

….I thought, hey….my kids can do a meal once a week.

They can pick the recipe, or choose whatever we’re eating, and I’ll buy the food or ingredients.

Mondays.

Family dinner night, even if we do eat together other nights, this one is a For Sure night.

Skip to a decade later.

Only daughter here at home, age 18. Son at college.

(Son loves to cook, by the way, and owns two cookbooks along with kitchen items he bought with his own money).

During the past year, Monday night dinner night has been cancelled and thrown to the wayside many times.

I had reinstated it a few days ago.

My husband and I decided on the food.

I was working with clients until 6:30 pm, but after that…..family dinner night was going to happen!

When I emerged from my last client appointment, she was lying on the couch.

“Let’s get dinner on the table!” I declared.

“What???!!!! I HATE eating after 7 pm!! Why did you wait so long?! The only reason I’m even in this room is because of your Dinner Night or I would be going to BED! Now! I am soooooo exhausted! I can’t stand your food idea either! And why didn’t you start at least cooking already!?!”

Lightening bolt courses through me.

I say with anger….

….”Why didn’t you request a different night, then? It’s not like this is written in stone, especially if it causes so much suffering. Go to bed! Family Dinner Night is off!!”

Daughter storms out.

Sigh.

The feeling of being insulted or disrespected arose so fast in me, like a fire.

Under the surface, I am hurt.

She doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t want to spend time with me (us), she’s mean.

Who would I be without these thoughts?

I’ve been here before, in this inquiry.

I see it and feel immediately what it would be like without the belief she doesn’t like me.

If her words did not mean anything personal, I would realize right now I never really asked her if she would be up for the idea.

I didn’t let her know I’d like to spend time with her.

Honestly, I’m not even sure I liked the idea of cooking (of course I didn’t) or making a production out of it on a Monday night.

I didn’t even ask her if she felt ill, since 7 pm was very early to want to go to bed.

Who would you be without the belief someone doesn’t like you?

Even if they say “I don’t like you” who would you be without the belief that it is really, absolutely true?

I’d see them having their reaction.

I’d be with them as they have it.

I’d connect with the reality of the situation, which is that something I’ve done or said is not computing well with this person.

They’re saying “no”.

That’s it.

I turn the thought around: she does care about me, love me, want to spend time with me. I am mean, disrespectful, insulting….to her, to myself.

Could any of these be just as true, or truer?

This was another moment in time, an exchange, a place I felt the vulnerability of disappointment, loss, concern….

….a childlike core place of “ouch”.

After doing The Work for awhile in my room, I felt like I was hugging the little raw, exposed part of me.

Moments later I heard daughter came back into the living room, so I stepped out of my room, and I hugged her and stroked her back as big crocodile tears rolled down her cheeks. She told me she was thinking about how much she had to get done.

“To stay with that shakiness–to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge–that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic–this is the spiritual path.” ~ Pema Chodron

In my graduate school program 20 years ago, we had a saying. “It’s not what I do…..it’s what I do next.”

We had t-shirts made with these words on it. Our special reminder, our discovery in imperfection, in feelings, in staying with something, in repair.

My kids teach me this over, and over again.

And everyone who has ever acted like they didn’t like me, or said so.

Thank you.

“Go ahead, climb up onto the velvet top of the highest stakes table. Place yourself as a bet. Look God in the eyes and finally for once in your life, lose.” ~ Adyashanti

Much Love, Grace

May 16, 2014

Hurting And Not Hurting Flow Together

Yesterday I had to lie flat on my bed all afternoon, taking ibuprofen (anti-inflammatory pain pills).

Remember the right hamstring story from six months ago?

Well, even if you don’t….this lower right back hamstring nerve area was hurting, the place I tore last year followed by surgery. I tweaked it dancing recently. Again.

Rats. There is nothing good about this! Fist shaking at the sky!

This is definitely a problem!!

Doing The Work on physical ailments can be really amazing. Let’s go for it!

Is it true that this is bad, I hate the pain, nothing good can come of it? Is it true that it hurts?

Yes. I can still feel it now, what are you talking about…is it true.Jeez.

But can you absolutely know that this is a bad situation, a situation to hate, a problem, a difficulty…that this really does hurt?

No.

I worked with clients, answered emails, even had an awesome session with a beautiful inquirer who always devotes two hours to her work, and my back and hamstring never crossed my mind during any of these activities or interactions.

How do I react when I don’t like the physical sensation I feel?

I clutch against it. I think about the future and how it will get worse. I think things like “I have to stop dancing, I can’t bike, I can’t run, I’m aging, this is getting worse, there is no way for this to go but downhill, I’ll be dealing with this forever until I’m dead.”

I get pictures of my mom and her own back issues and want to interview her about exactly every minutia of experience she’s had, what she did, how I can short cut the process to No Pain.

I react also by ignoring the pain. Pain, what pain? Who cares?

So who would you be without the thought that this is wrong, difficult, bad, that I’m against this sensation? Without the thought that I hurt?

“You put someone that understands the mind in a cell and lock the door and tell them that they’re never going to be released and that’s it for life……and if they love everything they think, then they really are experiencing gratitude. If they don’t love what they think, it’s a torture chamber.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought, I notice a very strong sensation, tingling, I want to either lie still or shift around. I notice I forget about it as the mind becomes interested in other things, the room gets fuller, then the attention towards this area becomes more acute again.

I feel pressure, like a rock with sharp edges, stuck in my lower right back. I think of calling the doctor, or calling the physical therapist….maybe I do.

Without the thought that this is a grave, serious, terrible, difficult or annoying situation (this could apply to any situation, right?) then I am simply here, living this experience.

“It’s amazing to see what we end up doing with our Will. We actually assert our will in opposition to the flow of life. If something happens that we don’t like, we resist it. But since what we’re resisting has already taken place, what good is it to resist?…It does not do anything to the reality of that situation.” ~ Michael Singer

Turning the thought around: this is a wonderful situation, it doesn’t hurt.

This is not denial, it’s actually playing with the awareness of all things, all sides….entering non-duality.

Yesterday, I lay in bed and did The Work with others for 7 hours. I had breaks, I wrote, I got up and ate a delicious orange and leftover pizza. I talked with my funny and beautiful daughter.

How spectacular to notice that even though it hurts, it also doesn’t hurt.

Much love, Grace

March 12, 2014

Who Would You Be Without Your (Injured, Painful, Fat, Diseased) Body?

Money! We’ll be looking carefully at what it means…and our apparent “problems” or concerns with money: earning it, getting it, keeping it.

8 week teleclass: Wednesdays, March 19 – May 7. 5:15 pm Pacific Time/8:15 pm Eastern time. Waking hours in Australia, Japan, Indonesia. Write if you’re interested grace@workwithgrace.com.

******

Physical ailments, a state of physicality that feels less than perfect, whether a head cold or a torn hamstring….or cancer….often carry with them a stressful response.

The disease seems to arrive, the condition. I now have this condition, it’s inside me, THIS body, mine, the one I inhabit.

I’m the one with “x” happening.

And then, with that ownership, faster than the speed of light, the mind grabs it and says (when it feels stressful) what it means, that I have this condition.

I can’t go to that party, I’ll miss out
I’m dying
I’ll miss everyone
I detest this feeling of pain
this is all temporary
I’ll never run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again

So sad. So infuriating! Who set this entire world up like this, anyway?! Such suffering!

My mind almost always has a comment about whose fault it is (mine). Then there are the other people whose fault it is (parents, history, pesticides).

Nothing wrong with looking at patterns, gathering information, making huge changes to see how it affects the current status.

But that underlying sense, that dark cave below, that voice that is disappointed….or terrified….can feel dreadful.

Can’t I just think about something else?

With inquiry, I love turning to face it and take a good look.

Oh, by the way, remember my leg? (All eyes on me!) Well, I almost forgot about it, and returned to my old dance recently, like I used to before I tore my hamstring last fall. The joy I felt on the dance floor was so sweet, I was ecstatic.

And then a few hours later, hmmm. Some dull aching pain radiating from my injury site.

And then the next day, my back and hamstring hurt so much I couldn’t get out of bed.

Is it true, that I am condemned to reduced movement, decline, pain, aging, discomfort? Am I missing out?

Yes, yes, oh yes. Cry. Fist shaking at the sky.

Am I sure that it would be better to be my definition of health, right now? What am I looking for anyway, eternal life? Never feeling any pain, ever, ever?

This is an amazing question, to even open to the idea that it might not be as bad as I think. Or I might not want what I *think* I want.

“We try to accept what is, and I’ve come to see that this is just a beginning. To love what is, is how you know that you’re right with yourself. It’s a state of gratitude that you’re living out of that is entirely stimulating, and motivating, and it always replenishes….When we’re of right mind, there is no loss.” ~ Byron Katie

How do I react when I believe I’m missing something, losing something?

Angry, calculating, sad, upset, snappish at people, unhappy, grabby, panicked, fast.

Gratitude? Uh, that would be NOT.

(And don’t get upset with yourself for not being grateful, you’re not supposed to jump to grateful, unless you do…it’s not “better”. Is it true that you should be grateful, when you aren’t?)

Who would I be without the thought that my physical state is wrong, a mistake, bad, off, incomplete, imperfect?

Without the thought that having this body means I have to feel pain, I have to miss out, I’m losing something?

“When you finally awake, you don’t try to make good things happen; they just happen. You understand suddenly that everything that happens to you is good. Think of some people you’re living with whom you want to change. You find them moody, inconsiderate, unreliable, treacherous, or whatever. But when you are different, they’ll be different. That’s an infallible and miraculous cure. The day you are different, they will become different. And you will see them differently, too….All of a sudden, no one has the power to hurt you anymore.” Anthony De Mello

If I looked at this physical state, this sickness, ugliness, injury, pain, as one of those people that I’ve been judging…who would I be without these thoughts?

Even just a tiny smidgeon of an idea? Not inconsiderate? Not treacherous? Not dangerous?

Turning the stressful thoughts around:

I can’t go to that party, but I won’t miss out (it’s a party right here, with myself)
I’m living right now
I’ll won’t miss everyone, I’ll be connected to everything
I accept this feeling of pain, not against it, could I love it even?
this is all temporary…halleluia (instead of oh sad)
I’ll always run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again…I could have what these things bring, like ecstasy, always

“It’s your last chance in this incarnation, as your body begins to fade – or you are becoming aware of this limited lifespan. It’s your last chance to go beyond identification with form. This is true whether it’s to do with your body, or somebody else’s body.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Who would you be, without your body?

Much love, Grace

January 11, 2014