Tag: pain

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Partial, Crooked, Empty, Dying

One of the wonderful YOI (Year of Inquiry) groups met yesterday and our topic this month is on the body.

Perfect for me, right?

With a torn hamstring, last week’s surgical repair, constipation and nausea from pain medications, my hair feeling flat as a mat and itchy from not taking a shower or bath for 8 days, I would say this body is not in the most tippy top shape you’ve ever seen it.

I object! I have some complaints!

There is nothing like a sincere, thoughtful group to stay patiently with the questions of inquiry known as The Work. I LOVED that we all gathered together to examine the body.

  • this body can’t be counted on
  • I am too _____ (fat, thin, old, young, soft, round, short, tall.)
  • things would be better if my body were healthy, fit, attractive
  • I hate that this body is temporary, declining, will one day die
  • there is something wrong with my body, with me
  • I am this body, this is ME, this is my identity

These are deep, gripping beliefs. At least I’ve found them to be.

After our wonderful group today, I kept considering the turnarounds and the beauty of the work, and more underlying beliefs.

As I lay here flat on my back, not able to even move more than a few inches to the left or right (by the way, check out the end of this email of me and my grabbers) I remembered two of my most haunting images.

One is being buried alive in a coffin about 20 feet below the ground. Ewww. I hate even thinking about it. What a horrible nightmare!

The other is born out of a National Geographic cover last year of free-climbers at Yosemite. I am falling, imagining the fall, seeing the rock cliff wall speed by, heading towards earth like a speeding bullet.

(Sorry to give you this stressful image!)

But what I realized before, and again today, is that these are simply pictures, movies playing in the mind. They are not real.

Isn’t that amazing?

All these terrible things that can happen to the body: accidents, injuries, damaging things, illness, disease, death, change, aging, destruction…

….is it true that it is all terrible? That it is all YOU?

Yes! Everyone knows it’s true! People have a rough time after accidents! I think I’m one of them, right now!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true? Really 100% can you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that all those images and destructive changing morphing things that happen are terrible?

Are you sure that body is YOURS, that it is YOU?

Are you sure you are having a terrible, awful, devastating time?

No. I just ate peanut butter and apples and they were delicious. I’m writing this Grace Note.

Come to think of it, I’m lying in a gorgeous, comfy bed.

In the very moment the other day that I was throwing up, or in the moment that my stomach ached from constipation, I was not actually thinking “this is me” or “this is devastating”.

I was just being that…if that makes any sense. I was following the simple directions. I couldn’t help but follow them.

I notice it is usually AFTER something is over that I get worked up about how terrible it all was, how horrible, and how I almost didn’t make it.

Except I did.

How do I react when I am believing that this body here is my identity, that it is who I am in total, that it is sad that all this is temporary, or that there is something wrong with this body?

I am scared. Horrified. I see images of terrible things happening over and over. My body reacts with adrenaline. I believe the world is a dangerous place, where bad emergencies could happen at any moment.

So who would I be without the thought that this is true? Who would I be without the thought that having this body is a rough deal, that being in a body is dangerous?

Turning my thoughts about this body around, I find the following are truer:

  • this body can’t be counted on to stay perfect, and it CAN be counted on to do what it does, halleluia!
  • I am just right the way I am
  • things would be NOT be better if my body were healthy, fit, attractive
  • I love that this body is temporary, declining, will one day die
  • there is something right with my body, with me
  • I am NOT this body, it is not me, it is not my identity

Who would I be without the thought that aging, deterioration, accidents, injuries, sickness, or death were frightening? Or that they were ME?

Laughing.

Not feeling threatened. Noticing there is no need to be careful, nothing to worry about, a great unknown ahead.

A great unknown right NOW.

“Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back. What you are stands content, invisible, and everlasting. All means have been provided for our endless folly to split open into eternal delight.” ~ Adyashanti

(I note the words “split open” and how they do sound just a wee bit scary).

But chuckling here with the mind and it’s nervous interest in bad things, I notice also how I have watched two white lilies in a vase go from tightly closed bud to wide open flower as I’ve been lying here in my bed all these days.

I think they have definitely been split open into eternal delight.

And then they’ll decay and someone will throw them in the compost container.

“If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself be empty. If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up.” ~ Tao Te Ching #22

2013-12-17 10.06.07

This is me, Grace, using Grabbers to fetch my ice pack which I call Little Baby Creature From The Black Lagoon. And practicing crookedness.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th. Click below to read more!

 

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Feeling Pain, Having Courage

Recovering from a major physical illness, injury, or condition can sometimes be pretty frightening, or frustrating—if you start believing some of the troubling thoughts you might be thinking.

I’m lying in my bed, that I’ve hardly left for more than five minute intervals to go to the bathroom, for six days now.

I didn’t really know about how some of this process would unfold until actually experiencing it: burning sensations, aching and throbbing, pins and needles, nausea, vomiting, stomach ache, muscle cramps, numbness.

Can’t I just skip over some of this part?

An incredible moment here for The Work, on pain, sickness, treatment.

  • this is taking too long
  • I hate nausea
  • I’m afraid of the pain
  • I just want this whole thing to be over with
  • this is sooo deeply discouraging, I can hardly stand it
  • I need to be strong (tough, relaxed, calm)

Fortunately I have also present this part of the Mind that can question my own thinking, this part that is here observing, even while the other part protests.

Is it true that this nausea and pain are awful?

Yes Yes Yes. I hate feeling sick all day, I hate throwing up, and the pain in my leg burns.

Can I absolutely know that its true that what is happening physically here is terrible?

Yes! Although I can feel that I might not know the absolute truth. It may be good that this is all happening, because that’s the way balance comes back into alignment.

I am not in charge of whatever this thing is that’s called sickness, treatment, or pain.

It feels overwhelming in some ways, but not 100%.

How do I react when I believe that I’m afraid of the treatment, the operation, the recovery, the diagnosis, the nausea, the pain, my future physical condition?

Yikes. I’m discouraged, upset. I see images of still being in bed many days from now. I see myself shriveling into a little ball, never coming back to normal life, dying. I get mad at my husband for going to the store for alternative medication too slowly.

Yes, it’s true. I called from the bedroom “you haven’t left yet?!!”

I get sudden urges for the nausea to stop that feel like an emergency. I need the anti-nausea tablet ASAP. I need to stay awake. I keep drifting off. I wonder how long it takes to develop bed sores.

But who would I be without the thought that this is truly terrible, or that I can’t handle it, or that it will never end?

Very softly, there is something that shifts attention to the present rather than the future, and expands. Dishes are being emptied, I hear clinks and jingles of silverware getting put into its drawer. Music is playing in another room. There is a sound of wind in the pine tree out front.

I feel the pressure and support underneath my back of the bed. My eyes scan the room and look again at yellow roses on the dresser.

A beautiful Norwegian calendar on the wall reads “DESEMBER” and I keep having a little joke with myself “dis-member”. I feel fondness towards the crutches leaning against the closet door, my little helpers.

“Now, sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it—the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches….. It’s a part–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….. That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that this is truly terrible, hell on earth, a disaster, uncomfortable…whatever the situation?

Yes, there is a witness. Seeing this situation with a big heart, encompassing it with compassion and Not Knowing.

I turn the thoughts around that feel so stressful:

  • this is taking just exactly the right amount of time
  • I love nausea
  • I’m not afraid of the pain
  • I do NOT want this whole thing to be over with
  • this is so deeply encouraging, I can definitely stand it
  • I need to be weak (tender, anxious, the way I am)

I consider these turnarounds. I love nausea? Really? That just can’t be true, no way.

But what if my stomach and body are giving me a very important message? What if this really is taking just the right amount of time for my own enlightening process?

What if there is something vital, deep and good about finding that place inside that isn’t upset? That can let go of wishing things to be other than they are? 

“My grandmother who passed away a few years ago used to say to me jokingly, “getting old is not for wimps.” She was well aware of the challenges of an aging body, and while she never complained or felt any pity for herself, she knew firsthand that aging had its challenges as well as its benefits. There was a courage within my grandmother that served her well as she approached the end of her life, and I am happy to say that when she passed, it was willingly and without fear. In a similar way the process of coming into a full and mature awakening requires courage.” ~ Adyashanti

Today, I am willing to feel this physical experience that doesn’t exactly seem pleasant. I am willing to trust the unknown, to trust the life force that is doing all this.

I am willing to let go of needing relief NOW. I look forward to directing my thoughts towards the place that isn’t upset, has no concern, the place of peace.

The place that doesn’t believe every thought the mind thinks.

Much love, Grace

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Ready For Anything

Yesterday I was walking, rather slowly, in much narrower strides than I usually take, up a long incline, heading back to my parked car.

I felt the now familiar yanking kind of burning dull ache in my right sits bone. One of the doctor’s that I’ve visited recently voice popped in my head “….since it’s hanging on by maybe less than 20%…possible it could pop off…careful until surgery…”

I suddenly pictured 1/5th the amount of attached tendon pulled really tight, like an over-stretched rubber band about to “pop”.  

Oh. What was that? 

I think it’s popping off right now. Could it be?

I kept walking. I noticed the view below of the blustery lake, the space needle off to my left (Seattle icon), wind blowing my hair into my eyes.

Having an injury, with chronic “pain” (which by the way seems to come and go) really reminds me that I have a body.

This flesh and bone thing that I appear to inhabit. Something is on low-grade alarm, radiating from the leg. 

But right now, I also happen to be facilitating the Pain, Sickness and Death teleclass, and we’re looking, as I’ve looked a bunch of times before, at what is believed about HURT and SUFFERING and PAIN.

It hurts. I am in pain. She hurts. He hurts. This is terrible. Having a body is vulnerable. Having a body is dangerous. I’m in control of this body. I HAVE a body.

Are these things true?

Oh brother, YES. Would you stop asking that for once? This is DEFINITELY true. 

Without a body, I wouldn’t be anything. I wouldn’t be here. And this thing, called a body, hurts sometimes. It can get hurt (I have evidence)!

It appears that other people get hurt! 

But I don’t actually know if this is terrible, and I don’t know if this body needs to stay NOT hurting, and I don’t know if it’s really dangerous and vulnerable to have this body. At all. 

OK OK! I don’t know if it’s even true that this is MY body. I’m not sure who or what invented it, and it appears I had nothing to do with it.

How do I react when I believe the thought that this sensation is called “pain” and that it means something terrible is happening, already happened, or is about to happen in the future?

I have images form in my head, flashing like a speedy movie of moving flash cards, of surgeries and knives and cut off limbs and death and other things that frighten me. 

I feel sick to my stomach, nervous, worried. I treat myself like I’m a victim, something happened TO me. I got unlucky. Other people are walking around freely with connected hamstrings. 

Look, there goes a person now, running by. She isn’t having stabbing pains in her pelvic bone! That’s the way it’s supposed to be! 

I chuckle. 

Who would I be without the thought that this sensation “hurts” or that it’s very bad news, or that I am getting surgery, or that this body is mine, or that something is wrong with this right leg. 

Strangely light. Like giggling. Goosebumps. 

Without the thought that this is a bad situation, I’m here, now. Tuned in. Alive. I feel a pulsing awareness of everything, sensing it all with this thing called a body. 

No regrets, no fear in this moment. 

Now here’s the bizarre thing: without the thought that this is terrible, wrong, that pain is bad, or that this is my body and it is dangerous to have one….

….I’m almost looking forward to having this surgery. 

Oh wow…that’s the ultimate turnaround. I am willing to have this hurt, to go through this, to feel this body…..I look forward to having this hurt, to go through this, to feel this body.

Weird, right? WOW! COOL!

“The Master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to: no illusions in his mind, no resistances in his body. He doesn’t think about his actions; they flow from the core of his being. He holds nothing back from life; therefore he is ready for death, as a man is ready for sleep after a good day’s work.” ~ Tao Te Ching #50 

With Love, Grace

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Finding Your Out-of-Control Place

Last night as I drove my car, my attention was drawn to my right hamstring and the pain that had recently increased, rather than decreased.

The pain is supposed to be going DOWN. Not UP.

It was hurting just to sit in my nice sheep-skin padded car seat. I had to lean way to the left and shift around constantly.

My mind started to replay the scene of the crime. The incident.

OK, so if I landed like THAT when trying to do the gymnastics move, then the weight would be like THIS and it must have pulled on THAT and yanked on THIS….

…What muscle, bone, tendon thing got pulled????

My mind thinks it can find out the answer, and therefore get closer to a solution, if it knows EXACTLY what happened.

There in the quiet car, I smiled for a moment when I realized that this happens with emotional pain as well.

There’s an incident. A blow. Mean words. A shock.

Something feels “ouch”.

Then there is a bracing against the pain. Sometimes a huge wall is built against that pain, closing off all fun, pleasure, relaxation and happiness.

As time passes, following the event, the mind returns over and over again to other scenes….how we could have avoided this, how we can prevent it from ever, ever happening again in the future.

It’s sooooo stressful to be so cautious, careful, nervous, and hurt.

I remembered, in the quiet car, that I could do The Work on the frustration and disappointment with this physical “problem”.

It’s a problem…is it true?

Are you kidding me? Of course it’s a problem! I am not supposed to be in pain! This must be fixed! NOW. Something is wrong!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that this is a problem?

A woman I worked with recently who has been suffering because her partner left her answered YES, this is absolutely a problem.

NOTHING good about this. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

But could I know this about my hurting ham string? What a strange question.

It is so assumed that pain is a problem, and the goal is to never have it.

Physical or emotional.

But I know that in my life, some of the most painful, excruciating experiences ever led to peace, success, trust and love that I had no idea could exist.

I’m not sure what benefits could come from a hamstring injury…but I have the feeling, from doing The Work for awhile now, that there’s been one.

Which might mean it’s not exactly an absolute problem.

So, no. I don’t know for sure.

But even if you answer “yes” that you know it is absolutely true that you have a major problem….keep going through the steps of inquiry.

How do you react when you believe you are hurt, and it’s horrible?

I believe life sucks. I ask God/Source why it’s set up like this (I have doubts and I’m very suspicious). I think “I’m so vulnerable”.

I feel sorry for myself. I feel *rage* and despair. I try to ignore what happened, or the pain I feel.

I don’t call the doctor. I give up.

So….ready? Who would you be without the thought that this is such a problem? Without the thought that this is terrible, long-lasting, never-ending? That you can’t get over this?

Without the thought, my pain feels sort of…..interesting.

I notice I’m breathing, living, able to work, teaching my teleclasses, going about my world to the library, the market, flying on airplanes, doing stuff on the computer.

I’m not actually thinking of my pain 24/7.

Sometimes I’m asleep!

Turning the thought around, I consider that this pain, this diagnosis, this condition, this situation, this event…..is NOT a problem.

What if it’s a solution?

Well, I’ve changed around my gym routine entirely and notice I like doing something new. I’m stretching more.

I stand more often, instead of sit and slouch. My back is happier.

I met really nice people at the physical therapy place, I learned a bunch of stuff about legs, bones, hips, muscles. I’m considering going swimming for the first time in 20 years—and I used to swim competitively.

How could I live this turnaround, trusting that something is inviting me to a new experience, a new life, a new place?

Wow. That is VERY exciting to think of what this could be offering my life, drawing me to do differently.

What if this situation is beckoning me to an alternative, a change in my mind, surrender, relax, rest, wait, be?

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it–the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it…..Go back with it again. It’s apart–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie 

Could there be a place in you where there is no concern for this situation?

I can find it.

If you’re interested in studying pain, sickness and death…I would love for you to join me on a six week teleclass journey beginning Tuesday, October 29th 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time. Register Here to Join Me!

There’s no guarantee of changing anything physically. You know this. But you may find the incredible lightness that can occur with a change in the mind!

Pain After The Work
“During the retreat I did work on pain. The next week I ceased taking a variety of pain medicine. All over the counter & prescription medication as well as more stronger stuff like opium & Kava. The result of that action was a dramatic reduction in body pain! Who’d a thunk it!” ~ Washington

Love, Grace

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Pain Brings The Most Alluring Thing

Yesterday I had a moment when in about 10 seconds I had the thoughts: “it’s all over from here…there will be a time I can never dance again…I have a limited time left on the planet”.  

I was feeling hip pain. From my gymnastics move about a month ago.

The right hamstring was injured, but now the left hip hurts since I’ve been favoring it, walking kinda weird, and ignoring it half the time.

Through my mind ran the following thoughts:

  • this pain will never go away
  • the writing’s on the wall…if hips are hurting, I’m on my way to the end
  • I have to finish my book before I croak! Quick!
  • I’ll never see my kids’ in their old age (so weird the way that works)
  • I need more time
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead

Then I thought about the great sage Ramana Maharshi for about ten minutes, as I have many times before, and his story of at age 16, lying down on the floor and pretending he was dead, just to see what it felt like.

BOOM. He saw what he was without a body.

So where’s my ecstatic “boom”? Seeing who I am without a body is kind of attractive at the moment!

I’m way older than 16 and I don’t have to pretend really, to get the sense that it’s over soon, and I’m going to be dead at some point.

But it pretty much feels like I’m stuck in this sack of flesh, for now, to put it bluntly.

Not that I hate the body…in fact, it’s genius, kind, accepting, miraculous and completely fascinating. Hurts, heals, changes.

Off and on throughout the day I feel the dull pain and I think about who I am before my parents were born, the zen koan.

I’m not even TRYING to concentrate on seeing from the perspective of No Body and Who-I-Truly-Am and all that rot. Yet, I’m thinking about this anyway!

There’s that silly mind again. On the job attempting to figure it out.

The voiceover from an old TV ad for Trix Cereal comes in, where the rabbit is doing everything he possibly can to get that awesome cereal, and he just can’t seem to outwit the situation and have what he wants.

The rabbit tries many maneuvers….and then discovers that he’s been trying to get something that is actually not possible for him to “get”.

Because he’s a rabbit. 

“Silly Rabbit”, the children say when they realize he’s been up to multiple shenanigans trying to acquire their cereal….“Trix Are For Kids!” 

Silly Mind! Awareness is not for you! 

But what IS for the mind, thank goodness, is The Work. At least, so far this mind seems to delight in it.

This mind (and yours probably, too) just LOVES to answer questions.

So let’s take a look at the troubling little thoughts about the body that have appeared from this message of pain apparently originating in a human hip.

Are these thoughts actually true that have been streaming through this mind? That the pain will never go away and it’s all downhill from here?

Well, I could be completely pain free (in fact, come to think of it right in this moment, on the same day only a few hours later as I write, I don’t feel pain).

And no, I don’t have to finish my book before I croak, or see my kids in their old age.

And it’s possible I don’t need more time….and it’s absolutely true that one day I won’t enter the dance studio anymore.

I mean, I am going to die….at least the physical body will.

But what if all this wasn’t a BAD BAD thing?

I mean, how I react when I believe these thoughts, and believe they are alarming, is that I am instantly afraid, nervous, planning, calculating, and grasping at all kinds of strategies for softening this situation, either emotionally, mentally or physically.

I’m the rabbit BEFORE he finds out the tricks are not for him. Ha!

Without the thought, however, that any of this pain, injury, change, death, departure or ending is terrible in the great big scheme of things….

….wow.

I am so curious, and interested in All This, including whatever Pain appears to be. (Is it energy? What is it?)

I remember that every time I enter the dance studio, I am different, so I’ve already lived the story of having no dance ever be repeated.

Without the thought, I see there is nothing guaranteed, nothing steady, nothing gained and lost, because nothing sticks anyway.

Without believing things are getting worse, I am excited to see what this body does, what it’s like, what happens next.

I’m psyched about the story unfolding. What will she do now?

Oh look, she went to physical therapy, she made a massage appointment, she slowed down and held still all day, she scheduled the book-writing time on her calendar.

She went to the dance studio and remembered the sweet friends who will never come there again, as they have already crossed over into death, and that we’ll all follow.

“The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands. But of course, if you don’t see that, if you’re hypnotized into thinking that you won’t be happy without this, that or the other things, you’re stuck.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Turning everything around, I see how this is all very wonderful, and nothing is ever truly permanently ending, and everything is always beginning, and fading away…

….and things are getting better. Could be just as true.

  • this pain will always go away; emotional, physical, all of it
  • I’m on my way to the end, to the beginning, who knows
  • I don’t have to finish my book, in fact when I die there will be tons of things unfinished, that’s the way of it
  • I have no idea how much of my kids’ lives I’ll see or not see, it’s a mystery and doesn’t seem up to me
  • I need less time! Whew, what a relief!
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead. Woohoo! What, did I want to dance here forever? That’d be weird.

“No-thing-ness…as much as that doesn’t make sense to the mind, is the most alluring thing of all.” ~ Adyashanti

I hear the rain pattering outside, drink an incredible taste of water, read a sweet text from my daughter, look into the vast gray sky, and for just a second my throat wells up with tears of gratitude.

Then even that passes and in this emptiness I am stunned to find gratitude also for the pain.

How else would I have been considering the mystery of life and death, and All This today?

Much Love, Grace

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The Work Stops World War Z

This past weekend, I was facilitating my Saturday morning dance and dripping with sweat and bursting with inspiration, as usual, and I decided to do a few cartwheels.

A few cartwheels is not a big deal for me, I did them non-stop from age 10 through 16 and then often beyond that, so they are kind of part of my natural movement.

But then I felt myself pretending I was on the gymnastics mat from almost forty years ago (astonishing, as it seemed like yesterday) and go for a round-off.

Suddenly I was back in my memories and living them out right in that moment….the run, the build-up, the intention to go hard, fast, and push off the floor and fly into that awesome movement of palms down to the floor, body flipping upside down and over, feet landing with a great spring and jump….

….and as I soared through the air, in my fantasies and in real life…..I felt a searing pain jab through my entire right leg from upper hip, shooting down into my knee and even my foot.

I did not fall, but it felt like my right hip was ripped out of the socket (that could be a little dramatic).

Thirty seconds later I was talking to myself “Yeah, that’s right. Walk it out. Keep moving, don’t sit down”.

I couldn’t have sat if I wanted to, there was such a huge pain in my right butt cheek.

I felt nauseated.

And then, I felt scared. And defiant. Like…OK that happened and NOW it is going AWAY.

Right? Universe? Hello?

In that moment of pain, and then the moments that followed, the mind kicked in with commentary about the situation.

  • Should I go to urgent care? But I’m still walking.
  • I need to know what happened, I need an assessment of the damage.
  • I’m an idiot.
  • Don’t let anyone see that you just did this to yourself
  • I am aging, just like everyone else. I can’t do gymnastics anymore (and this is terrible).
  • That was stupid.
  • Now I’ll miss: birthday party, bike ride, work, driving, doing whatever I want, accomplishing things around the house, writing (can’t sit up)
  • I can’t stand lying flat all day long, this is boring
  • I should welcome this opportunity like a meditation retreat
  • boy howdy, I’m not putting up with my no-dairy diet today! forget it!

Alarm bells! Panic Button! World War Z!

On the way home, wincing a bit and furrowing my brow, I could see my mind panic with visions of my end of life, no more dancing, sitting all crinkled up in a chair at age 100, suffering, remembering my life in gymnastics all those years ago.

Sad, upsetting, life-is-rough-then-you-die, down with pain, the beginning of the end, its over!

Thank goodness, as I took some turns into zombie-belief-land, turns out I had made a date to trade sessions in The Work with a very dear facilitator.

I wrote down my judgments on my hip, and all the ways it should change.

The most important being….it should not have gotten hurt. That simply shouldn’t have happened.

I watched my mind have a hissy fit. I made coffee and put half and half in it, even though I’ve been consuming no dairy for a few weeks. I felt sour.

I texted the two most top-level athlete friends I know and asked them for advice. One said something about tears and operations to reconnect ligaments.

I didn’t like this situation.

Stop. Is that true?

Even with the mind strategizing all the ways to heal quickly, prevent it from every happening again, and chide me for being stupid….can I really know that this SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Because it actually did happen. So arguing with reality is a bit, ummm, presumptuous.

“I don’t order God around. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me or for anyone I love. How can I know that?” ~ Byron Katie

WITH the thought that this event shouldn’t have happened, and I should not be hurt, I am entirely focused on the hurt. The worry. Imagining my days ahead. Sorry for myself. Angry with myself.

WITH the thought that this shouldn’t have happened…cream in my coffee suddenly becomes necessary. I need things to taste good.

Stop again. Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that this should not have happened?

Such a bizarre and foreign question. The mind normally races off, so dang positive its right about getting hurt.

But what an incredible question to contemplate. What if I really did not believe that this was BAD BAD BAD? What would that be like? Who would I be then?

It’s an adventure. Everything I thought I was doing is cancelled. Open territory.

I’m right up into the deep questions of the cosmos. Not caught up in the to-do list and busy.

Everything stops.

I enter the opposite field, where all is well. I am studying this experience, instead of raging a war with it.

  • I lie down and take ibuprofen medicine
  • I don’t need to know what happened, or become a doctor and understand the entire gamut of possibilities and hip anatomy
  • I’m a normal human being, not a zombie OR special
  • I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of
  • I am aging, just like everyone else, halleluia. What a fascinating path.
  • do I really need to do round-offs to have a happy life?
  • That was brilliant!
  • Now I’ll gain: slowing down, staying home, watching a movie with my daughter, watching another movie with my husband, reading about Buddhist practice in business, doing nothing, having time to do The Work with my friend for 2.5 hours
  • I love lying flat all day long, this is exciting
  • this IS like a meditation retreat

I watched the advantages come alive about this situation, because I decided to look for them, not resist them.

Watching myself be human.

“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past.”~ Byron Katie

In the moment of the round-off pain did I love it? Well. My mind did not. It was doing its Emergency Management thing.

But I notice that now, a few days later, and after doing The Work, I am relaxed, quieter. Writing this sitting up.

Drinking a cup of tea with coconut milk.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re like me and you need support to stay in inquiry, connecting with other wonderful humans all of whom are interested in remembering to question their thinking….then come join either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass. Both meet on Thursdays.

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Ouch This Shouldn’t Hurt

Today I am moving very slowly as I injured my back yesterday being my crazy energetic self while dancing.

Yesterday, wild dancing. Today, resting and taking ibuprofen.

In the past, I would have been soooooooo upset about this injury. OUCH! This hurts! Dang-it, why wasn’t I more careful! I should have known better! I hate this!!!

Strangely, today I immediately saw advantages. I knew not to go to the gym or do any exercise, but to stay quietly at home. I worked with clients only. I checked emails, I had time to return some inquiries from the weekend about upcoming workshops.

But I’ve had the thought creep in before…OMG, what if this pain stayed this way? What if I didn’t get better? What if I had to endure ongoing pain? There was someone in the Pain, Sickness and Death class who has constant back pain! Oh no! I could have the same!

I have the thought in the back of my mind…this may be fine for now, but by TOMORROW, I may hope it’s fixed.

So here I am with this body, feeling this sensation I call pain today, holding quite still, and I can remember feeling sorry for myself, and what it feels like to have something happen…perhaps something quite “big” like a major huge accident that results in permanent change…

…and I discover once again the connection between what I believe about this body and what I believe about the universe.

If I think and believe that I can be injured…and right after this thought, I clench off internally and set forth to build a good defense and prevention measures.

I don’t feel free to live, move, be, venture out…I feel like I have to be careful.

Byron Katie says “Don’t be careful, you might hurt yourself”.

Seriously?

Yet most of us “get” the nauseating or hardness of being careful, careful, careful and not trying anything new or experimenting or feeling free.

If I think that being “hurt” is depressing, sad, discouraging, hopeless, frustrating or terrifying….then I’ll work hard to make sure I don’t get hurt. Because I don’t like those feelings.

I’m believing the feelings come from being hurt. It sure seems like that. Without getting hurt, none of those feelings. With getting hurt, the stressful feelings come.

But can we be sure the two are connected?

The mind can appear quite logical. It deduces that a) getting hurt is very bad, b) it is possible to avoid getting hurt, c) since getting hurt is very bad, I must learn how to avoid it, d) if I do not avoid it, I will suffer.

What if I could feel the sensation of what I am calling “pain” and at the very same time, drop the thought that there is something I need to do about it, or fix, or change, or learn in a hard way?

NOOOO! Then I would go on running into things, getting hurt around any corner, randomly suffer because of contact with objects (or people, for that matter)! I need to pay attention! I need to be vigilant! I need to be VERY VERY CAREFUL!

Which is more stressful though….thinking I need to fix this and be very careful, or thinking I’m fine and something beyond me is already on its way to balance and healing?

Because, when I think about what is true….I know that something far beyond me, something mysterious and wonderful is moving things into balance inside this pulled muscle right now, as I write.

And the Universe, the reality all around me, is moving into goodness and balance and healing.

Even in the middle of a woman (me) with a pulled back muscle, and with people who got into car accidents today, and people who are living with cancer, and people terribly injured…there is something next, and next, and next and there is movement into that “next”.

I can feel the difference between my mind now, that is open to the wild, crazy, unpredictable universe in a different way than it once was….open to whatever this thing is called pain, open to not-knowing, open to even this being “friendly”.

And if “friendly” is a little much for you right now, that’s OK. You can just see about the universe being “neutral” instead of mean and evil and dangerous.

Back injured. Good news. Hushed morning, not moving from couch. Talking with clients. Sun streaming in the window. Silence. Reading. Excited as the body slows, deciding its definitely time to call that massage person, looking up yoga classes. Change.

Good news. Universe as my friendly co-conspirator could be saying “happy quiet moment” for some amazing reason.

I watch. This is not about denial and trying to be “positive”. This is noticing what IS positive, even when something difficult happens.

I once met a woman who had been in a car wreck, where her husband and one daughter were killed, and she and another daughter had lived. I felt the pain well inside as I heard her story, the whole thing, from the beginning.

Terrible pain. The kind I might say to myself “I could not ever handle that”. My heart wells up inside me even remembering her.

And gratitude. Because she started an organization to help people with sudden trauma and death know what to do next. She’s helped police teams and fire fighters learn how to guide people best when there is sudden death.

Another woman I know created a website dedicated to putting your will and all paperwork and items together for if your loved ones die unexpectedly, after her husband was killed.

Who would you be without that thought that you have to be careful?

Alive, slowing down, moving on, resting, bursting out. Living now.

Noticing that everything comes and goes, things rise up to be attended to, then they fade away not needing any attention at all.

Tears flow, grief, then quiet, then pain, then rest, then love. Beauty everywhere.

This sensation of pain is here in this universe for this body today, and it’s OK. I am not alone, and I don’t “have” to do anything. I don’t have to know anything.

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.”~Tao Te Ching #71

If you know you’d like to open to not-knowing and to see how your thoughts and feelings about bodies relate to your thoughts and feelings about the universe, then come to Breitenbushat the end of June. Four days of the work can shift your perceptions in a most profound way.

Love, Grace

P.S. Pacific Northwesterners! Come join the new Powerful Living workshop May 3-4 in West Seattle with three powerful guides, offering three powerful modalities; The Work (yours truly), Nia movement, and Systemic Constellations. You’ll bring one important issue to shift, open to not-knowing what you’ve known so far about it, and energize it with power.