Tag: Grace Bell

Posted on

Neediness Is Gross

Dating. Pure torture for many. Especially when the mind starts giving it’s opinion, and the thoughts aren’t exactly fun, kind, or gentle.

It can quickly lead a person to decide to give up dating altogether. Just too stressful.

However, if looked at as an open experiment…dating can be absolutely fascinating. And an opening into the world of mystery, surrender, curiosity, and getting to know oneself in a most intimate way. It’s just a bonus to get to know someone else in the process.

In Our Wonderful Sexuality this morning, we questioned the belief “he is oblivious to my needs”.

Oblivious is a fabulous word. In the dictionary is it simply defined as “not aware of or concerned with what is happening around”. So, oblivious to MY needs would be that he is not aware of my needs, not concerned with them at all.

Hmmm. If he is not aware of my needs, what could I do? Oh! I could talk! I could say “I need some water, I need you to move over, I need to be home by 10”.

But needs are so gross. They show….neediness. Being “needy” is bad. Needing nothing is better. Being needy show dependence, immaturity, high maintenance focus. People don’t like other needy people.

One of my all-time favorite strategies, quite unconscious in many ways, has been to Not Need Anything. Including food. If neediness was bad, well it certainly wasn’t going to be shown by me, that’s for sure. No one will ever accuse ME of neediness!

The problem is, that no matter how much you would like to do away with that pesky sensation of hunger, or the need to go to the bathroom, or the longing for a partner, or the wish that someone would like you, it will grow bigger and bigger until you HAVE to respond. Or die.

And being Against Neediness is signing up for a fight. I am against, resistant, opposed.

Doing The Work and examining your thinking, your feeling, the way you live in any given situation (like being on a date) you hold this precious moment and all your uncomfortable thoughts with respect.

Something in your mind starts to believe “I need someone who will pay attention to me, she just seems so oblivious…”

You can question so much there. Is she in fact oblivious? Really? And if she appears to be, is that really so bad? It’s kind of nice to hang out with someone who doesn’t zone in on everything I say or do. What are the advantages of this person being just the way they are?

Anthony deMello writes that where he came from in India, people started believing they needed transistor radios to be happy. Until everyone started getting transistors, they were perfectly happy without one. “That’s the way it is with you”, he says, “Until somebody told you that you wouldn’t be happy unless you were loved, you were perfectly happy….You become happy by contact with reality. That’s what brings happiness, a moment-by-moment contact with reality.”

“If you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No: When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it; the hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand, through inquiry, that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it.”~ Byron Katie

Move away from judging “neediness” in you or in others. Move away from focusing on the absence of people noticing your needs, or being so sure you don’t have your needs met. It burns when you think there are needs here and that they should be met in YOUR way that you approve of, or someone else’s way that THEY approve of.

When you move away from the stressful beliefs about needing, then when you get hungry, you simply say “I need some food”. If the person you ask doesn’t have any, or says no, there are a billion other people available to ask. Keep going.

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking the button at the bottom of any newsletter.

Posted on

My First Bulimic Episode

I was 18 years old and knew I would be attending a small liberal arts college so far away from my family home that it took 26 hours to drive there, or several hours by plane.

I knew the date I would be leaving home, in 3 weeks. Not going to this small academic college would have been an option, I suppose, but a terrible one (in my mind). In our family, people go to college. It means success. My father was a professor, my mother had an advanced degree and spoke fluent Spanish.

It never occurred to me that I might not want to go. People fail who don’t attend college. They work at low-income jobs for the rest of their lives. They don’t meet new friends who are also on a path to success.

I already had several years of practice in not understanding or expressing my own feelings. What I felt, I believed, was not important, and actually, would lead to disaster. My beliefs about Feelings went something like this:

  • people who cry or sob are way too dramatic
  • people who are angry need to control themselves and hold it in
  • “losing” ones temper means you are not mature or patient
  • people with big feelings are childish, disrespectful, and self-centered
  • having anxiety is a sign of weakness
  • people who have “negative” scowls instead of “positive” happy faces will fail in life

Unfortunately, I had already encountered anxiety, anger, irritation, sadness and any other feelings most human beings feel as they live their lives….along with learning what I was supposed to do with them. Which was generally NOT SHOW THEM.

When you have such judgment towards showing feelings….then when you have one, it takes energy to hide it, but you do everything you can to make sure you succeed.

The groundwork was perfectly laid for me to be drawn to use something, anything, to regulate myself.

My parents had a celebration send-off dinner for me in our back yard. Many people were there, although I can’t remember who, now that over 30 years have passed. What I do remember is that there was a ton of delicious homemade food, and I ate. That was the one thing that looked appealing.

I ate, and ate, and ate. It was like I couldn’t stop and it didn’t matter anyway….My first full-blown Binge episode. And then, excusing myself to go up to the bathroom and disengage from the intensity. Horrified at my lack of control. Hearing all the guests voices floating up in the summer air past the open window. Feeling such pain in my stomach and wondering how I could possibly have eaten so much that I was nauseated and my stomach hurt. Desperate. Wanting to sob, wanting help.

That evening, I decided that I would accomplish the task that I had imagined for quite awhile, I would force myself to throw up like the people who ate poison accidentally. I had never heard the word “bulimia”. But that’s what it was called, I later learned.

Thus began a long and interesting journey of having to admit there was a “problem”. Something off. And discovering that my feelings were not only important to understand and express, but that they were the golden key to understanding what I was believing and thinking about myself, the people around me, and about life.

As Byron Katie says, any stress is a “temple bell” waking you up to something. As I’ve said before, my stress was like a set of large cymbals crashing together. During a nap.

“Express yourself completely, then keep quiet. Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through…..Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.”~ Tao Te Ching #23

If feelings are present, don’t futz with them. Don’t fight against them, criticism them, call yourself “out of control” or attack others for having them. But feeling them with respect, curiosity, openness….this is opening to the Tao, no judgment, no resistance. Allowing them, they move, they teach, and the clouds part.

Love, Grace

 

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking the button at the bottom of any newsletter.

 

Click Here to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1) 

 

Like us on Facebook 

 

Grace Bell, MA, Certified Counselor WA

Certified Facilitator of the Work of Byron Katie
website: www.workwithgrace.com
email: gracebell@comcast.net
phone: 206-650-1230
skype: graceebell
facebook: www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace
twitter: ByronKatieCoach
blog: www.workwithgrace/grace-notes

Copyright© WorkWithGrace

Posted on

Seeing The Light Without Looking

Only a few minutes after waking up this morning, I began to sort minutes and time mentally while still lying down in bed. Let’s see, it is now 7:04 am. When I rise, in 2 minutes, I will begin the list of ideas and activities. Some concern about leaving the house by 8:30 am. Flashes of thought, images of staying on track.

Oriented towards the immediate future. What will happen next. Mind busy with planning.

Then at perhaps 7:05, or perhaps simultaneously sort of mixed in with the future focus, memory of a fascinating speech I listened to on YouTube by Sam Harris on the absence of Free Will yesterday afternoon.

Then the mind thinking about itself right now, interested in what is beyond this “thinking” place. Aware of emptiness and vast space, here all the time. The question “who am I?” and the questions “what is going on right now…what is this whole thing, this life?”

Here comes another memory flash, it’s still 7:05 am. I recall reading an article many years ago about a spiritual teacher who asks a very troubled teenager to find who or what she really is, in the overall center of herself.

The teenager says “what the hell are you talking about?” So the teacher says, “OK, point to your leg”. She points. “Point to your elbow”. She points. “Point to your nose”. She points. “Point to Whoever or Whatever is pointing”. The teenager smiles really big and says “OH! I hadn’t thought about that before! Cool! OMG that’s been here the whole time!”

I myself, the reader at the time, kept thinking “what did she see exactly?” Because it looks like a huge, vast space to me. I can’t exactly point to it. And it also evaporates and has no edges. And my mind seems to be very, very small in comparison.

At 7:06 I decide I want to get up and do some computer research, before writing, on what other people say about the vast, empty space thing.

There are a lot of teachers and speakers, workshop leaders and trainers. Classes, retreats, programs, degrees, speeches, books.

So much information that it is impossible I would ever be able to take it all in, read every book, work with every idea or approach, meet every fascinating human, listen to every one of them speak.

So quickly the mind moves, I notice the thoughts enter, those rascally little busy ones always looking for New and Improved…..”I need more information” or “I must Get This” or “I should be aware of the vast-empty-space thing at all times” or “my life would be even better if….”

“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing. ~ Tao te Ching #47

There’s the mind, chattering away. There’s the Silence, always present.

No need to read anything, turn on the computer, do something, go fast. Being in the Tao, the middle, the space, the quiet…nothing matters. No trying necessary. Letting go.

Mind talking away, assessing, analyzing, doing its thing. Functioning like a little machine buzzing in the corner. Not that important, in a good way.

This Silence, Love, Peace has been here the whole time.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Go Towards The Dark

The study of Addiction; how it happens, what we mean by it, how we know we’re addicted, and how to find peace beyond it, is an interest humanity has had for centuries.

At a basic level, Addiction can be defined as a compulsive urge to escape the present moment, to escape feelings that rise.

A wonderful author and psychologist who has worked with people recovering from addiction for 30 years, Frederick Woolverton, describes any addictive process, no matter what the substance or activity, as an attempt to avoid internal darkness.

I remember Adyashanti saying at a retreat once that we’re all addicted to our thinking, we are all Addicts. We’re all addicted to distracting ourselves, forgetting about ourselves for awhile. To getting away from that pesky dark, emptiness we notice.

OH DEAR. Does this mean I have to go towards the darkness? Like, not AVOID it? But. That’s scary.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass this week a thoughtful participant offered the troubling concept “I need to control my emotions”.

I used to live with this belief under the surface of every interaction I had with others; going to work, studying, being with my parents, talking with friends.

All would be fine if my emotions were in check, if I didn’t actually feel anything dramatic, powerful, intense…if I didn’t feel scared, angry or sad. Then life was easy. Things were peaceful, simple, pleasant, fun or exciting.

But OH NO if I felt any fear over about a 2 on a scale of 0-10, or any sadness over a 4 on that same scale, or any anger more than a 1 on the scale of 0-10….then the need for a substance to help stop the feeling would come along. I couldn’t seem to close off the feeling on my own. “I need to control my emotions…I need to shut this down.”

How did I control my emotions? Why, by eating of course. Stuffing, shoving, cramming food in with a vengeance, with a force that was VERY ANGRY. I would also smoke cigarettes, having a quiet moment with them instead of actually expressing my deepest feelings to a human.

Drinking alcohol also served a purposed in changing feelings and thoughts. It would derail sadness and fear, kind of like switching theaters in the middle of an intense and troubling movie.

The problem is, while it appeared that I was doing everything I possibly could to control my emotions, they would pop up like geysers at Yellowstone. I’d run to plug up the fountain of emotion spewing out, only to have a new one pop up the next day 100 yards away.

It was a lot of work to avoid feeling big feelings, to avoid internal darkness.

Fortunately, the addictive process offers an unsatisfying and temporary solution. It also has really painful side effects….like horrible physical sickness or spending lots of money. There is no lasting peace whatsoever. It makes people wake up to wanting another way to live.

I found that through exploration and study of this amazing process of addiction, of giving myself a break from the attempt to control what was inside of me all the time, to be willing to stick with the internal darkness that haunted me, and to speak honestly to other people about it….the addictive processes stopped.

The good news is that just a drop of Willingness to be aware of what is happening inside of you, of being open to it instead of afraid of it, puts you on the path towards ending the annoying cycle of glimpsing darkness and trying to run away from it.

“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain…you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”~ Eckhart Tolle

It can feel really difficult at first, when the addictive process you’re in doesn’t actually work anymore. When you stop using the substance or pattern, you may feel panicky or raw, or super-hyper sensitive. Your pain may now be sitting there totally exposed.

You may decide to look at the opposite to the concepts you’ve had before about your emotions. “I need to stop controlling my emotions, I need to feel everything, I need to share what I’m feeling authentically, I need to face my greatest pain…”

You may have to trust others who have gone before you….even if they’re saying “Go Towards The Dark!”  

It’s worth it.

Love, Grace

 

Click Here to register for any fall class.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1)

Posted on

You Don’t Need More Money

Money is such a fascinating topic, so many opposing thoughts and ideas. Most of us feel pretty sure we want more of it. More is better. Less is worse.

Inquiring around money, I have found, offers so much awareness about Wanting and Not Wanting, it has the kernel of understanding everything about my perception of life. Wow! Really? Yes, really.

Here is this thing called Money. I use it to trade for other stuff. I like the stuff. I like books, fixing my broken bathroom, and going on retreat. I like taking classes, buying gifts for people, and buying groceries for my family.

The Money itself is not stressful. It just sits there, being itself. I have found that I don’t like it when there’s distance between Me and Money. There is something I want, and I don’t have enough money to trade for it.

Turning this entire belief around that there is distance between me and money, I sit with the experience that there is NO DISTANCE between us. How could that possibly be, when it appears there is no money in my bank account (in the amount I prefer) or no money in my pocket?

Here’s when it gets really fun. What do you think you need money for in the first place? What do you really truly feel distant from, if it’s not money? Joy? Relaxation? Connection with people? Adventure? Happiness? Security?

Are you absolutely sure you can’t experience joy, relaxation, connection, adventure, happiness or security in this moment? Are you sure you need something more?

What if your only project is to see what life is like right here and right now with exactly the amount of money you have. You may have the privilege of having no money at all. Can you notice that joy is possible anyway?

I remember doing The Work on “I can’t afford to travel”. When I turned the thought around realized what kind of Adventures I could go on, right in my own city. There were huge areas of the city I had never explored before. Shops in China Town I had never been in, houses I had never even seen, street names I had no idea were even in my city.

“When you’ve become a total success in business and have more money than you could ever spend, what are you going to have? Happiness? Isn’t that why you wanted money? Let’s take a shortcut that can last a lifetime. Answer this question: who would you be without the story ‘My future depends on making a lot of money?’ Happier. More relaxed. With or without the money. You’d have everything you wanted money for in the first place.”~ Byron Katie 

I notice when I feel connected to money, like it’s my best friend and we are having fun together. I don’t have the thoughts that it’s not giving me enough attention, it should stay with me and never leave, I need to think about it all the time (Obsessive!) or scheme to figure out how to manipulate it into sticking with me.

I call that a troubled relationship. I’ve had those before. They aren’t very much fun.

“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If you happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~ Tao te Ching #44

To really let this sink in, I find examples of how there is nothing missing here that I would need money to acquire.

I am supported by this couch I sit on, I have friends all over the place right here and in countries everywhere (!), I have a computer, streets to walk on, trees to sit under….I have piles of books to read, a gorgeous day ahead of me, food filling up my refrigerator, a telephone.

Rejoice in the way it is right now. Even if you have lost “everything” and have no money. You get to see the bare bones of what you do have. You get to slow down, to stop. Air to breathe. Ground to sit on. A bite to eat, a glass of water. A place to lie down.

WITH the thought that I NEED more money: I am sad, in an empty cell like a jail, life looks bleak or frightening, I crawl into a fetal position and wait…tense, unhappy.

WITHOUT the thought that I need more money: WOW. There is stuff everywhere. Wealth, riches, colors, amazement, infinite possibilities, excitement, peace.

Love, Grace

 

Posted on

He Should Change

Anthony deMello, the wonderful Jesuit priest and author, wrote that he has news that is VERY GOOD:  none of us has to do anything to change. In fact, he said, the more you do, the worse it gets.

All we really need to do is understand ourselves.

We’re about to spend some time doing this starting Thursday, in the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. We look at relationships with ANYONE: spouse, parent, child, boss, colleague, employee.

Just like doing The Work of Byron Katie, there is no list of what you should do in order to change…in fact in a very careful, measured way, the suggestion of inquiry is to study the pain, like scientists studying ants or other strange insects.

So, I found myself thinking about someone who I have found troubling. When I think about him, I notice negative feelings inside. These feelings are inside ME, not inside HIM. So who is the one suffering with the negative experience here?

Step number one is to see what I’m thinking, what I think is true, what I repeat to myself over and over again when I think about this person:

  • he should get his life together
  • he should stop drinking
  • he’s deceptive, lying and manipulative

The only way I could have these kinds of thoughts and feelings is if I expected something different. I see fault, I see need for improvement, I see a more Perfect Image hanging over the person’s head.

I am actually demanding that the person change. They should be a little different, or a LOT different, than they are. The bigger the painful thoughts, the more demands I have, and vice versa. The bigger the emotion, the farther I see that person from their perfect possibility in my mind.

What is the common denominator in every experience I’ve ever had where there is a Problem? Hmmm, gosh…. Just one common element that is present, every time I experience stress, every time I see something missing or something not quite up to snuff?

What is it that is always present, every time I think about that annoying person? ME!

I am always present when I see a problem. Everything else, in fact, changes. People come and go, issues are different, concerns are new or old…but every time I see a problem, oops, there I am.

“In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”~ Eckhart Tolle

 Just imagine that person who you are judging and defining as less-than-perfect as instead someone who you want nothing for, and nothing from, at all. No wanting whatsoever.

There they are, shining their star (as a wonderful wise friend used to say to me). There they are, doing their thing. I can spend time with them, or not.

I turn everything around that I think, doing The Work:

  • I should get my life together, especially when it comes to analyzing other peoples’ lives
  • I should stop being addicted to my thinking that there is a problem with others
  • I am deceptive, lying, and manipulative, especially when I’m thinking I’m Miss Innocent or I try to act like I’m accepting, when I’m not

“No person on earth has the power to make you unhappy.”~Anthony deMello

 Do The Work and get free from that unhappiness! And if you need some group support to help you, join fellow travelers in the teleclass on Thursdays for the next 8 weeks, 10am-11:30 am Pacific time.

Love, Grace

Click Here to register for the Thursday class!

Posted on

Loving What Is? Not This.

Bertrand Russell, the famous British philosopher who was a huge political and social activist during his lifetime, said “every great idea starts out as a blasphemy!”

Sometimes looking at difficult things in life from every angle, or from an entirely alternate perspective, sounds crazy. Just thinking about being with something horrifying and contemplating the idea that it is not as bad as we think….it almost sounds cold or inhuman.

For example, studying cancer, or death, or torturous pain, tragic accidents, huge earthquakes, mass murders….not exactly pleasant topics for most of us.

When I first encountered The Work and questioning my thinking it was through reading Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is. I was reading along, loving the ideas and my mind opening as I read, and then I got to a section where Katie is doing The Work with a woman who experienced sexual abuse during  her childhood.

Suddenly, I felt a little sick to my stomach. In this situation it is not possible to “love what is”, I thought. But I kept reading.

It is radical to stand back from what we think of as the greatest horrors in life, and look with open eyes.

I confess, I like things when they go “well”. I like happiness and easiness and kind voices and quiet places. I don’t much like being surprised or having people jump out at me for fun. Sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to jump into a cold lake.

But I see now how when I preferred to chop out all the “troubling” things from human existence and from my experience, when I raised my fist against them and tried to avoid them, as I used to, I became tense as a block of cement. And about as happy.

Anthony De Mello, the wondeful Jesuit priest I mention occasionally who died in 1986, wrote that people would come to him with their problems and often wanted only relief. They did NOT want to understand their problem and find their part in it. He said that he discovered that some people had to suffer ENOUGH in a relationship so that they got disillusioned with ALL relationships.

Other writers and teachers speak of this suffering that seems to need to occur in order to wake up and find a better way of thinking, of living.

I do not know if we need to suffer, but it seems most of us do. We feel anxious, sad, terrified, sorry, guilty. Some of us feel suicidal, some of us feel deeply angry with others in our lives.

Adyashanti, one of my absolute favorite spiritual teachers, writes poetry that does not always sound pretty, peaceful or gentle when it comes to Reality, God, Source, or Awakening.

One thing that appears true….things don’t always look rosy. We are going to die. People are unpredictable, like the weather, like life.

“Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” ~ Adyashanti  

Be compassionate today with yourself in your fear or distress. Be open to others as they are terrified, or enraged. This is all part of the pace of life.

“The Master give himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to…” Tao Te Ching #50

Be with the silence and the part of you that doesn’t know. Bad things happen, good things happen. It’s not OK. But it is.

Posted on

Secret True Confession Body Shyness

Dear Inquirers,

Secret Confession: I am shy, embarrassed, protective and nervous about going naked in broad daylight! People do this at Breitenbush Hotsprings (where I was just co-teaching a retreat).

Wow what an absolutely fantastic 4-day retreat, despite this Unrevealed Secret! I am once again amazed at the power and love found in the middle of a group gathered to do inquiry. People came from across the whole country, from corners of the US, and it was sooooo sweet and incredible!

So here is the True Confession: I never went in the naked hotsprings during daylight hours. Only at night under the stars when everyone was murmuring quietly in hushed voices.

And no one could see in detail my imperfect BODY! OMG!

At this retreat, we did the work first on one troubling relationship that has brought angst, sadness, anger, frustration or stress of any kind, as far back into the past as desired.

But what about that troubling relationship with the BODY??!! That dastardly betraying imperfect lump of flesh!

We began our work on the Body part way into the retreat. As we all wrote down all the negative, stressful thoughts we have about our bodies, the laughter welled up. The sheer volume on our lists of what is wrong with the body was incredible.

Too many wrinkles, too much fat here, not enough fat there, too many veins, too much swelling, pain in the back, in the legs, in the neck, gray hair, aching joints, lumps in the wrong places, injuries, dislocations, sagging skin, cellulite-covered thighs, bruises, poor digestion, needing to pee too often.

The body is a wealth of stressful thoughts. My relationship with this body is a profound snapshot of my relationship with my life.

What does it mean about us that we have these flaws?

What am I believing it means about me that I have jiggly and lumpy thighs or thick knees, that skin is starting to wrinkle and sag in many places on this body of mine?

What do I believe other people will see and think if I’m running around naked at the hotsprings in broad daylight!??!

People will think (as if I know): “Oh…I thought she was younger than that….oh, I thought she was in better physical condition that that….oh, I thought she was more disciplined and closer to perfect….oh, I thought she was nicer looking than that….”

They will not like me, they will not be interested in me, they will not think I have anything to offer, they will not be attracted to me, they will not want to know me better, they will dismiss me, they will be bored.

Yes, it’s that petty and ridiculous.

But oh the beauty of discovering this long-held true secret that started so long ago, somewhere in childhood, when I began to believe that I was all my body and not my inner soul. When I started to believe this body could be attractive or ugly to others, and that this could mean I had company or loneliness. When I started to believe that this body needed to be protected at all costs, because if it got sick or died, I would suffer.

What if being sick, having pain, having a flaw, or dying is NOT suffering?

“Every story we tell is about body-identification. Without a story, there’s no body. When you believe that you are this body, you stay limited, you get to be small, you get to see yourself as apparently encapsulated in one separate form. So every thought has to be about your survival or your health or your comfort or your pleasure, because if you let up for a moment, there would be no body-identification.” ~Byron Katie

 

What if I have been focused on the body so I wouldn’t have to be limitless expansive emptiness…something that is entirely beyond the body and beyond “me”? What if that’s the Real Secret Confession?

 

Love,

Grace

Posted on

Being Willing To Lose Everything

When I was separated from my former husband 7 years ago, I had a lot of “work” to do. The Work! I had so many terrifying thoughts rise out of me, I didn’t even know they had been there.

It was within that time of separation that not only was all my money leaving my bank account to pay for food and shelter, I also got a cancer tumor on my leg, and I lost my job.

Sometimes the panic would feel like I was stepping out of a space ship….into black, empty, endless space, miles from any human person, waiting for the oxygen tank to run out of batteries.

The strange thing is that with The Work, I could see that I was having a nightmarish hurricane of beliefs. Part of me could actually see that what I believed was effecting everything. Even though I felt terror, I knew there was another side to this story. I knew to do The Work, with no expectation of any outcome.

I knew it was possible to have all these things exist and STILL BE AT PEACE; cancer, job loss, money almost gone, losing my house, losing my possessions.

One of my greatest terrors was of having no money left, of losing my house. This was very possible.

I did The Work on being Sure it would Awful to lose everything, including my house.

I began to find evidence for how if this happened, it would not be all bad. I found genuine examples of how losing my house and money would bring beauty, adventure, love, connection. I saw how I did not need my house. I did not need money.

What I did not know yet, was that as I sat still and became willing to find examples of the turnarounds to my painful thinking, life would reveal the evidence of a friendly universe that was beyond friendly…that there would be turnarounds that were ones I couldn’t have imagined.

So there I was on a cold dark January and I saw my bank account had something like $16 dollars left. Enough for a few groceries today and putting a little gas into my gas tank. And I had a bill for the January mortgage to my house that said I owed $2,300 dollars on January 15th.

I had already borrowed money from my sister and used my credit card to pay the past three months of mortgage payments. I was going into debt now. I had visions of being on the Titanic. This was going down.

All I knew to do was The Work. And be genuine. Talk with people. Call people up. Speak up, continue to ask people about jobs they knew about, continue to tell people in my life the truth, and then let go with acceptance.

I really knew I would be safe. I really knew that if I started the foreclosure process, then I would be OK and I would move out into my mother’s house and then Something Else would happen. This was about loving myself. This was about experiencing peace and happiness…..no matter what.

On January 14th I went to my dance class, where I was trading my entrance fee for sweeping the floors and helping with clean up. I knew that dancing made me very happy, and being with community was joyful and loving. I knew to go, to put it simply.

At the end of the evening, someone said “We have something for Grace”. We gathered in our usual big circle to share and close the dance. I was presented with an envelope and took it, mystified. It was very close to my birthday, was this a gift?

I opened the envelope and saw bills and bills, $100s and $20s and $1s and $10s. There was enough money to pay my mortgage that was due the next day, and pay for my light and heat until the end of the month.

This was a donation to help me pay for another month of expenses, when I had nothing left.

My heart burst open and I cried and could not speak, and I saw this was a turnaround beyond any one I could have imagined.

“I can’t do it” had been my belief. I can’t get the money, I can’t make it with the expenses I have, I can’t manage to pay for my house, I am losing everything, I am starting foreclosure….

These thoughts had become “I don’t need to be the one to do it!” I can receive the money, I can make it (with or without a house or money), I can manage to pay for my house, I am not losing anything…

And now here was the most amazing example of a turnaround. My heart soared as I felt the gratitude and appreciation. I did my part, I did The Work, I looked at my own fears, and I let go, willing to lose my house and everything.

“You may be afraid to go deeper into The Work because you think that it’s going to cost you something valuable. My experience is the opposite: without a story, life only gets richer…..I’m free to walk in the world without fear….with arms and heart wide open.” ~ Byron Katie

With love and gratitude, Grace

Posted on

Terrible Horrible Bad Anxiety

Asking questions has been one of humankinds great activities, since some time way back when cave men first went exploring.

What is over there (past the edge of the world)? How can I stay alive the longest?

Socrates had big discussions with Plato about virtue and truth. What can be taught to humans? What is naturally inside of us from the beginning?

The great spiritual teachers, and probably many that we don’t know about, were asking “What is all this? What is the meaning of life? How can I know God?”

Anthony de Mello, a wonderful Jesuit priest and psychotherapist (who died in 1987), asked burning questions about truth, love, faith and reality. He said “problems only exist in the human mind”.

Byron Katie’s questions are so simple….and the answers I have found require lots of contemplation sometimes. Especially question four “Who would you be without that stressful thought?”

Yesterday I thought about one of my most painful experiences: craving. I used to experience this with food, cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, then money, excitement, energy, attraction.

I’m talking about craving, that battle that goes I MUST have something, get it ASAP, and I won’t rest til I have it. Feeling desperate, emotional, ready to do anything to find it.

In earlier years food was always by far the biggest, worst, most overwhelming craving. The most destructive, wild, horrible experiences of over-eating to the point of feeling painfully stuffed, learning to force myself to vomit at some point to relieve the pain, then collapsing exhausted into sleep. That was a nightmare!

So many strategies for how to stop, setting dates on when I would quit, reading books on nutrition, reading self-help books, going to therapy, and always wondering what was wrong with me?

I was reading The Guru Next Door today and found new questions from this book applying beautifully to looking at my inner world. Seeing who I am when I am feeling something very intense. These kinds of questions help get to the judgments so you can see them written down.

One wonderful question in the book is: What is bothering you when you are feeling bad? I mean, really, WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU? About life, death, your work, other people, the world?

With my craving what bothered me was:

  • I have to consume something
  • I am very anxious
  • nothing will help me stop being anxious or upset except eating/drinking/smoking
  • I am out of control
  • my feelings are unbearable
  • I am powerless
  • this will never change

Today in the Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass we questioned the thought “Anxiety pushes me to eat (or abuse myself somehow)”.

I have anxiety, I have all these thoughts about how to manage it, how to get rid of it, what the problem must be, how to fix it, how to correct it. I am Against Anxiety for sure. No one out there with anxiety comes out OK, I have proof. The emotion of anxiety seems good for nothin’!

But who would I be without the thought that Anxiety is bad? What IS this thing that I’m calling Anxiety anyway?

What if Anxiety is good for something? Useful? Helpful in some way? Showing something of value? What if it’s a buzzing, quick, busy, nervous feeling as a response to stressful thoughts about the future, worries about the future? New thoughts that are untrue, that I could really question?

Turning my thoughts around that I used to have when I was craving something, it looks like this, much more peaceful:

  • I don’t have to consume anything at all
  • Some part of me has sensations (that I was calling anxiety)
  • This feeling will stop without me doing anything to help it stop, it will change
  • I am not out of control, I’m sitting here
  • my feelings are bearable, they are only a part of me
  • I am powerful (I can question anything that hurts)
  • this will change, it will always change (it never sticks around without letting up)

Spending time with each sentence and finding examples of how they are true can be mind-altering.

You can do this for yourself. There is no actual true reason to feel terrible, to feel hopeless, full of stress, out of control. Just as you are, even with anxiety, you are OK.

No reason to suffer, there is nothing wrong with you.

What, you thought you should not ever feel one drop of anxiety? That’s your goal?

“You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”~ Byron Katie

With love, Grace