Tag: Byron Katie

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Without your horror story, what do you notice right now?

Without your dreadful thinking, even in the midst of great suffering....who would you be without your story about what is hard?
Without your dreadful thinking, even in the midst of great suffering….who would you be without your story about what is hard?

I’m sitting in such gratitude and delight in the power of people collecting together to investigate truth, suffering, love and being human here on planet earth.

Yesterday we had the first group of inquirers gathering for an 8 month adventure of meeting to do The Work.

(We’re full now, but I’ll do it again next year).

The mind, and the feelings following all the thoughts the mind produces, are magnificent.

But on a bad day….

…..it feels like it’s NOT so good that this mind is so magnificent.

It’s overwhelming.

You feel very much alone, and therefore lonely.

Kind of like this lifetime trek, especially with this mind, is never-ending and something always comes along to trip you up somehow.

Not feeling good seems super difficult, and drives people to seek relief.

Somewhere.

Anywhere.

Trouble is, sometimes there is relief, and sometimes not so much.

Even mentors or teachers, or methodologies, or practices, or books, or teachings we all agree are incredibly powerful and supportive….

….don’t always “work”.

Or sometimes, they work for awhile–we feel better temporarily.

Then, we just want to get back to that good-feeling place but we’re waving our arms around like a beetle turned upside down.

A few years ago, when sitting quietly listening to someone else do The Work on a situation that brought me to tears, I noticed a very persistent and painful underlying belief pop into my head.

This man had been responsible for killing a child by accident.

Life is full of suffering.

Its sooooooo sad.

I don’t like these stories, these terrible things that happen in peoples’ lives!

Horrible accidents, war, trauma, death, disease, starvation, depression, loneliness, being trapped or stuck emotionally.

I asked God (you can call it something else, call it Reality or The Force–that mysterious energy I have no idea how to define)….

…..what’s up with All This?

I asked this question as I heard the destruction, and pain, and the guilt this man expressed while doing The Work.

Flashes of many pictures came through my head. It felt like my heart would break.

People I personally knew who were currently suffering, people in the room I was sitting in, all of whom were there to understand better their difficult feelings about life, and how to become free of the negative, fearful, agonizing thoughts about what happens here.

Why is it so hard? I asked, feeling so desperately sad.

And bam, I realized I had a huge deep-seated base-level belief about being human.

It’s hard.

Bad things happen here.

Just listen to the news!

We wouldn’t be doing The Work, or in meditation retreats, or doing the things we all do, if life were easy, would we? Any of us?

But I felt the awareness of self-inquiry begin then to work on that thought, that deep belief, like a ping-pong bouncing and banging off edges everywhere.

Hard–easy–wanting it to be harder occasionally–wanting it to be easier (almost always, can’t this be easier)–harder–easier?

Too hard, too easy, not hard enough, not easy enough.

Well….let’s take a look at this belief.

Is it true that life is hard?

 

You’re seriously asking this question?!?

Of course it’s hard!

Did you hear what I heard? Have you seen what I’ve seen?

But wait.

Let’s slow down and wonder about this statement, this thing we’re calling “life” and how we conclude it’s hard.

Life is hard.

What is meant by that?

Usually, thoughts like I already mentioned….war, brutality, fear, death.

But is life, itself, hard (even if those things take place inside of life)?

Is it True?

Wait for it.

My answer is “no”.

I wound up here, alive, it turns out.

I didn’t invent life, or create this life. I was given it whether I like it or not.

It…..happened.

Life actually came first, not my thoughts about it, or my experience of it.

My attitude, and preferences, and whether I like it or not…..

…..developed as I grew, learning from all the people around me, taking in what I encountered.

I never thought to inquire about much, I was like a sponge.

No one knows why, or exactly how, life happens.

Not even the most brilliant scholars or genius minds or religious wise-people (although it is amazing to read everything you’re drawn to, if you enjoy it).

So is life itself, hard?

No. I really can’t find this to be absolutely true. I really don’t know what it is.

How do I react when I think this thought, as I listen to the suffering of other people, or remember times I believed I was in pain?

I want to cry and cry. It feels like a grief that is forever.

So sad that such terrible things happen to people, that everyone feels fear sometimes, everyone feels physical pain, loss and agnst.

But who would you be without the belief in the absolute-ness or grand broad idea that life itself is hard?

Not like denial, not like trying to slap a smile on, or think positively.

Just not acting like you’re sure having life itself, being alive, is HARD?

Who would I be without this thought?

I’d feel a pin of light on the inside of myself, maybe back behind my heart, that is here and accepting of everything, knowing I’m here as this body/mind but also perceiving more than what is here.

Just like a flower or a tree, I grow, I live, I die.

Nothing to be done.

Except to be, to wait, to feel the stillness, to feel the balance and unknown mystery of it all.

What if you collapsed and relaxed absolutely everything inside of you, everything about yourself?

Your muscles, your feelings, your mind, your hands, your eyes, your thinking, your breathing?

If you let it all relax, nothing to do…..what do you notice?

I noticed that’s the practice of who I would be without believing my thought that life is hard.

I don’t even have to actually NOT HAVE the thought….

…..only to feel the imagination enter my mind.

Who would I be, without believing that life is hard, even in the middle of loss, hopelessness, loneliness, or being with other people and their suffering?

Turning the thought around: life is easy.

Woah.

I actually have nothing to do with it.

It couldn’t really get much easier, you know?

It’s being completely run by something other than my mind, that’s for sure. I’m participating in it, without choice.

What could be easier than that?

Double-woah.

Except for my thoughts about “life”, it is the easiest thing in the world.

“The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

 

What about in the middle of such terrible suffering, hearing about the story of someone who accidentally killed someone? Or suffered childhood abuse? What about wars and violence? What about dying of disease? Rage? Starvation? Thirst?

How about the turnaround: my thinking is hard.

If I did not believe my thoughts, I would see the suffering, but also the joy, in the experience of living.

I could find having no heavy opinion, no wish for it to be different than it is.

I wouldn’t feel hopeless, either, oddly enough–I wouldn’t treat myself like I’m a jerk for thinking life is hard sometimes.

I’d just notice, that’s the way of it. I have a brain, it turns out. Nothing wrong with that.

I would notice that in the moment I am picturing this man’s terrible story, I am actually in a room full of loving curious supportive people, all sharing this together, with unconditional love.

I almost missed it.

 

“It’s very simple: When we believe our stressful thoughts, we suffer; but when we question our stressful thoughts, we don’t suffer. We end our suffering. I’ve been told that the whole point of the Buddha’s teaching is the end of suffering. It’s the Fourth Noble Truth, Stephen tells me. Yes, human beings suffer when they don’t know how not to, and yes, it is possible to end all suffering simply by waking up to the difference between what is reality and what isn’t.” ~ Byron Katie in her Newsletter October 2012 

 

You mean, I can question the difficulty, sadness, or suffering….

….of anything?

Yes, anything.

 

“All suffering is mental. It has nothing to do with the body or with a person’s circumstances.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy  

 

Thank you everyone for coming along for the ride, for bringing your thoughts, concerns, worries, confusion, and despair to this Great Inquiry.

Who would we be without believing our stressful thoughts?

Noticing how shared this experience is, and how much we all love each other.

 

Excited.

Grateful.

Full of wonder.

Coming up with genius ideas for how to proceed.

Aware that the worst story, the one running in my head that isn’t even mine, is actually……over.

What do you notice right now in your reality?

 

Much love, Grace

P.S. Half day mini retreat Saturday 12/12 1:30-5:30 has 4 spots still available. Question your story, change your world. Join us!

 

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Question other’s lack of appreciation, and become….priceless

alone
Spared from the desire for love, approval and appreciation….you are the act of appreciation itself

Yesterday the Year of Inquiry group looked at a thought that is so repetitive within the human psyche, it’s rather stunning:

That person does not appreciate me.

How do you know?

There are so many ways we know….where to begin?!!

I see them hugging someone else, not me. I hear about them eating lunch with another friend, they’ve never invited me before. I overhear them talking about how brilliant someone is, and they’ve never said anything like this about me. I see them kissing someone else, and I thought we were in an exclusive romance. 

I watch them leaning towards someone from across the room, and I think they don’t appear that interested when talking to me. They don’t call me back. They don’t ask my opinion. They say “no” to me. They don’t give me money. They stare at their screen, instead of me. They engage in addiction, even though I asked them to stop. I don’t get a raise.They don’t clean up. They don’t touch me. They don’t say they love me. They never reply to my emails. 

I could go on and on with what I’ve thought or heard from others, or seen in the movies.

People get so disturbed by the evidence of non-appreciation.

It’s almost overwhelming, and infinite.

But let’s look a little closer at this belief, this feeling of not being appreciated.

I once was getting to know a man. He was a friend and a romantic interest.

We talked like friends. Many hours on the phone for several months.

One day he told me about his plans to go to a summer festival where he would stay in a cabin with old friends, some acquaintances. He lived very far away from me, and I was neither invited nor would I have been able to attend–it had not crossed my mind as something I even wanted to do, honestly.

I had been on the phone with him during his drive into the mountains of somewhere in sunny California, on his way to the festival.

As usual for this early, fun, get-to-know-you stage of the relationship, we were laughing and flirting and telling stories about ourselves. He described the landscape.

He said “I’m about to go into territory where I think there’s no cell service, so if I don’t……”

Cut.

Silence.

LOL.

I looked forward to the likely call we would have on Monday, when he got back home and back into cell zone.

Little did I know…..

“I have something to tell you about the weekend….it’s crazy!” he said like a friend who’s excited to tell some weird and interesting, and awesome news.

“I had sex with someone, and I don’t even know her name! Isn’t that so funny and wild?!?”

(Tires screeching in my head…..followed by a huge gigantic CRASH sound).

Pause. Pause. I was catching my breath, holding it.

I uttered a weak “oh, ha ha, yeah…..crazy.”

He then launched into the story of the noticing this woman, the meeting, the connection, and the path to actual sex and how that all unfolded.

Like a girlfriend telling me about her liaison with a man for the first time, in a way she might have felt as liberating and wild, and new, and fun.

But my stomach was sick.

“Ooops, I gotta go!” I hung up the phone, reeling.

Fortunately, I knew exactly what to do.

The Work.

I had asked for my world, as far as relationships went, to be turned upside down. My old stodgy stories from, oh probably the year 1705 (and a few centuries earlier) were so full of pain and stress, and ownership, and false expectations, and lack of clarity, power, or love….

….that on the heels of divorce, I knew I wanted these stories to dissolve.

I knew they weren’t true as ideas, but obviously not in my heart and body.

They provided only suffering, and they came from some weird history that no longer made any sense (or maybe never did).

I called all my friends who could facilitate the Work, and asked them for appointments for that entire Monday and Tuesday. I called in sick to my job. Because my mind WAS sick.

I believed that man, as a new interesting friend of MINE, should want to be sexual with me and only me.

How ridiculous.

Now, stay with me here. Because this does not mean I am not interested deeply in monogamy and care and attention of a primary relationship. I’m in one now, like that. So far, I love a whole lot about the current relationship I appear to be in, and it feels wonderful and easy and very kind.

But who would I be without that thought that when someone doesn’t want this, they’re not appreciating ME?

Without the belief that it means I am being rejected as they want what they want?

At first, all I could do was to see and imagine how I would be, in that very situation, without the belief.

I couldn’t really feel it.

I could imagine a different person, like the lady next door, who didn’t care about this guy and all the dreamy ideas of being together (sigh) and how SHE might feel.

She wouldn’t be feeling like she lost something, or recognized something awful. She wouldn’t feel rejected, disappointed, unworthy, alone.

As I contemplated my work, and felt the dagger punch in my stomach subside….

….I began to use my mind and my imagination for ease, for wondering

Rather than self-torture.

Who would I be without the belief that his behavior means anything about my behavior? Without the thought this means I am unappreciated?

Wow.

Wow.

Isn’t this what I actually asked for?

Isn’t this what I wanted…..to feel freedom to come and go as I pleased and want everyone else to do the same?

Don’t I want this in every kind of relationship, not just romantic love or sexual relationships?

Clients, family, children, parents, neighbors…..can I be in deep connection with them, no matter what they do or don’t do?

Wouldn’t I want everyone to follow their heart’s desire?

I mean….they have to appreciate ME….really?

I suddenly realized it wasn’t true.

At all.

Wow. The relaxation I felt at not needing to be appreciated, at not needing to be accepted, invited, wanted, hired, cared about…..

….even though it feels tentative at times, don’t get me wrong (and then I do The Work, or ask for what I really want like a hug or a conversation).

I could see in that experience that what was truer, honestly truer, was that he should NOT appreciate me, when he’s busy appreciating someone else.

I should appreciate myself, always.

I should appreciate HIM (I did and still do, he taught me to let go and then ask for what I truly, deeply wanted and cared about at that time).

That experience led me to fading out on all those long-distance conversations that lasted hours….

….and come back to myself, in the present, without any thoughts about what would happen in the future.

Appreciation right now.

It’s worth giving up a dream for. In a very, very good way.

“If I had a prayer, it would be ‘God, spare me from seeking love, approval, or appreciation. Amen’. ” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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You deserve to end terrorism and live in peace

lightintunnel
question your terrorized thinking, change your terrorized world

Last night the Year of Inquiry group gathered to start our third month topic for the year, inquiring together.

The topic?

Those People.

The people you can’t stand.

The ones who are driving you nuts like a gnat that won’t stop buzzing your ear on a hot summer night….

….or the ones who are terrifying you because they’re committing horrifying, atrocious crimes against humanity.

Can you do The Work on even these dreadful experiences in the human condition, like war, violence, terror, loss, genocide, democide, prejudice?

Of course you can.

But here’s the deal.

An inquirer on our call made a telling and very helpful comment….

…..”I just can’t get to ‘neutral’ on this topic.”

You know what I said?

Don’t try.

Answer the questions openly, honestly, with no expectation.

Look, look again.

Do this work without any thought of the outcome, because you want to know what’s true for you.

Ten years ago, I attended my very first New Year’s Cleanse with Byron Katie.

This is Katie’s annual event where she sits up on stage with one person after another, each one courageously taking their seat in an empty chair opposite Katie to do The Work.

 

(By the way, I just bought my ticket and can’t wait to give you a hug if you’re going to Los Angeles for the Cleanse this New Year’s, too!)

 

Back then, as I watched and listened with rapt attention, a woman took her seat next to Katie and slowly, carefully, read a worksheet on the holocaust.

Wow, I thought from the audience.

How can we ever find peace with the holocaust? Or Rwanda? Or the burning bodies and apartheid in South Africa (where I lived in 1975-1976)?

Not possible, I thought.

Too sad. Too horrible.

But who would you be without your belief about those people? The ones who are hurting so many others?

Not denial, but looking very closely without your labels of them, the labels that point at them: evil, monsters, sick, violent, enraged, wrong, psychopaths. 

Or the less frightening people we know yet we feel upset in their presence: angry, critical, needy, controlling, narcissistic, selfish, disruptive, rude, neglectful.

Without these assessments, who would you be?

Some people think…..but I have to keep these labels.

Otherwise, I won’t know who to stay away from, who to hide from, how to stay safe!

Are you sure?

Are you sure you need stressful thinking to remain safe?

Are you positive it is not possible to be safe with these humans who are acting in such difficult or shocking ways?

Are you sure you couldn’t face them, or be the one to offer peace, instead of fear?

No.

The woman in the chair doing The Work on the holocaust gave me the chance to consider that peace still lives, even after death and destruction that appears absolutely hopeless.

As she began to consider who she would be without her thoughts….

….I had to go pace at the back of the room, suddenly.

A magnificent lightbulb went off in my head, in my entire body.

I was shaking lightly.

I suddenly was filled with recognition that love and peace could prevail, that they were bigger and broader than any human horror.

There was no absolute darkness.

Here we were all, people gathered together, looking at that horrible, twisted experience from the future, with care and attention.

Examples were spilling into my mind, pictures of what rises out of events you think could never be resolved.

I saw scenes of reconciliation that I genuinely knew about.

People who have been through the worst sh*t you could ever imagine…..

…..live their lives into eventual peace.

They even go on to support others ending their suffering.

Walking back and forth in the back of the big convention room, I saw a vision in my mind of triangular shapes of white muslin, all sewn together like a baseball with golden thread.

Light beams were shooting out from the holes the thread made.

The ball of white muslin was floating gently away from planet earth, carrying all the thousands of people who died in the holocaust, the brightness shining magnificently from them all, as they floated away from earth into the heavens.

It doesn’t mean it’s OK terrible things happen or that any of us ever want them to. We don’t.

All I know is, after that day listening to the inquiry and doing my own through it, another chunk dropped away from my own ancient, dense belief system about humanity and the way things end.

I understood my terror of what humans were capable of clouded my vision of what was possible, or how I could help.

I also understood something else is handling All This, and it can’t really be explained.

Without the judgments in my mind, something else is possible instead of complete despair and resignation.

Maybe your heart breaks into a million pieces with some of what you’ve experienced, and what you’ve witnessed, and what you’ve read about and been told.

But love is still present anyway, and so is life.

That’s what I notice to be true.

“How does it feel to hate? And then what happens when you hate? And you have to find a way of defending that position. You have to prove that you’re right about your hatred. That it’s valid and worthwhile. And how does it feel to live that way? How do you react when you think the thought that they’re evil and ignorant?….I live in peace, and that’s what everyone deserves. We all deserve to end our own terrorism.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much Love,

Grace

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When your mind becomes clear, love can pour into your life

youarelove
love surrounds you, is you

Feeling attraction towards another person is sooooo fun, right?

It happens in all cultures and places in the world and in history.

We make movies about epic love stories, the ups, the downs, the angst, the fulfillment.

Humans love attraction and to fulfill the attraction towards another (and actually, towards anything wanted)….

….to move towards what they want, to connect with it, to investigate it, to explore it, learn all about it, maybe even merge with it, obtain it, get there, have it, be with it.

I mean…..there is a HUGE market in romance novels, right?

The thing is…..there’s something we all actually know that isn’t quite so fun.

We don’t like to know it.

What we know is that it can be pretty stressful on either side of that brilliant fire moment when you get what you want.

Before you get what you want, and you’re hungry. After you get what you want, and you’re full.

a) If you’re on the side of BEFORE you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: this is taking too long, I’m lonely, it’s too late, I should be farther along by now, the person I want isn’t available, I’m too shy, they won’t like me, I’m empty, I could fail, I hate waiting, this is too stressful, I’m unhappy the way it is, I won’t make it, this sucks, cry.

b) If you’re on the side of AFTER you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: now what, I’m not really satisfied, what’s next, oh no I’m never satisfied, I’m bored, this isn’t what I expected, this isn’t it, I want something else, I got it wrong, I made a mistake, there must be something more, I’ll keep going, I’ll never rest, I can’t stop now, strive, frustration.

And it seems like that luscious juicy delicious all-satisfied resting place is very short lived.

I once heard one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, talking about this. He said as a serious professional bike athlete in his past, he could relate.

An athlete trains and trains for 12 years to cross a line first. Finally the day comes. She or he wins.

Adya chuckled while speaking at this point, saying….

….the winning athlete gets 3 days, maybe a week, of absolute joyful bliss of accomplishment.

Then it’s time to move on.

Wohn-wohn-wohn.

This may be a simplistic way of putting it, and it’s not all black and white, but it’s highlighting the feeling of being attracted to something, a goal, or a person, where the sense of completeness is not yet discovered or felt.

Over here, with myself, I am empty or missing or alone.

If I had that, over THERE then I would be whole, full, found and together.

But is that actually true?

We notice the mind doesn’t ever really feel satisfied. Not the individual personal mind with a small “m”.

It’s constantly unsure.

It’s constantly looking out for what’s missing. It’s constantly thinking it needs something.

Who would you be, though, without your beliefs about LOVE?

If you couldn’t have the thought that you need more love, that you need a mate to actually become loved?

It’s the weirdest, most opposite thought to the dream of what all the love songs are about.

It’s not NORMAL to be satisfied and feel love, connection, presence, wholeness right here.

Except….what if it was?

What if you could sit here, this instant, and turn this whole crazy something-is-missing festival into a love-is-here festival?

Is there something besides your disappointed mind, or your anxious thoughts, that can notice the room you’re in right now?

How does your body feel while you read these words?

What else is surrounding you?

What if you took a deep, deep breath right now, and felt the love pouring into your body through the life force of oxygen?

What if now was enough, enough, enough….

….what would this feel like? What would you walk like? How would you behave today? What would you say? What would you do?

Turning all the thoughts around to the opposite:

This is taking just the right amount of time, I’m connected, it’s not too late, I should be exactly where I am, anything is available to me, I’m not too shy, they like me, I can’t fail, I love pausing, this is exciting, I’m happy the way it is, I will make it, this is awesome, I relax….

….now is sweet, I’m really satisfied, what’s next, my thinking is never satisfied (and I am), I’m entertained, this is better than I expected, this is it, I want this, I got it right, I made a correction, there must be something less, I’ll keep going, I’ll always rest, I can stop now, relax.

This could all be just as true or truer, whether you think you need a lover, a million dollars, to achieve “x”.

Whether it’s true love or spiritual enlightenment, what if this moment here was enough?

“Love is what you are already. Love doesn’t seek anything. It’s already complete. It doesn’t want, doesn’t need, has no shoulds. It already has everything it wants, it already is everything it wants, just the way it wants it…..Seeking love is how you lose the awareness of love. But you can only lose the awareness of it, not the state. That’s not an option, because love is what we all are. That’s immovable.When you investigate your stressful thinking and your mind becomes clear, love pours into your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” ~ Byron Katie

In this present moment, I love the sights I have on the horizon. The things I imagine will be fun and wonderful when I arrive there.
But I also know, just like you, that thing we already know.
That it doesn’t really matter if I get there. At all.
The grand experience of peace can only be with letting go of the outcome, the idea of the way it will be someday, later on.
This doesn’t mean if you actually feel alone that you don’t pick up the phone and talk with a good friend, and study your aloneness. It doesn’t mean laying in bed all day (unless it is what is called for in the body). It’s doesn’t mean feeling negatively resigned to never getting “it”. It doesn’t mean dropping your writing schedule as you write your book.
It is noticing what is here, rather than focusing on what is not. It is noticing the nothingness rather than the content of what is passing.

 

It is feeling the love pouring in through the air, the floor you’re standing on, the chair you’re sitting in, the teenager walking past you, the window you’re looking out of, the skin touching the door knob, the warm chest of a friend you’re hugging.

 

And when you feel this way, right NOW….

 

….do you think it might be more possible, or less possible, to experience that luscious juicy all-satisfied fire spark Ah-Ha place?

 

Just saying.
Much Love, Grace
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Life contains tragedy and sorrow

footprintsonsand
everything comes and goes, the tragedy, the joy

Yesterday was my father’s birthday.

Only not really. It was the anniversary of the day he was born as a human in that particular lifetime he walked through.

1930.

He died many years ago. He never made it to 85 which he would be today. He did not age into elderhood. He was still teaching at the university. No grandchildren had been born (although I know they were a twinkle in his eye).

He got leukemia, or his body did, and he died two years later.

I was by his side, holding his left hand. All my sisters, and spouses or boyfriends, my dad’s dear friend, and my mother, were surrounding his bed.

Candles were burning, the sky was pitch dark. Rain was pattering on the old 1920s glass window panes of our family house.

We were all singing. The same lullabies he sang to his four daughters who he cared for so deeply, we now sang to him as he left.

As he took his very last breath and died, I felt his hand grow cold so quickly.

I was astonished to recognize this…and then realized….“of course this would happen.” 

The heat, the life, the blood, the activity within this body simmering down, down, down.

It was the first time I was with a dead body.

Several years later, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

During the 12 hours of birthing, and the hours and days that followed, I sometimes thought about when my father died, and the great allowing of life to unfold and do what it does….

….at its own pace, without any control of the process.

Every human present at these events had to simply be there, witnessing, stepping in when support was needed, always allowing the thing (death, birth) to happen.

I also noticed, I gave birth before I had ever even seen a birth.

My father died before I had ever seen a person die.

Strange for such profound events to be so closed, or quiet, or somehow hidden.

Don’t these things happen by the hundreds and thousands every single day?

But there are perhaps some beliefs and concepts that hang over the experience of birth and death that make them fade into the background of daily life, so that in my 20s I would have never seen them before until I was participating in them directly.

What could they be?

  • death is horrible, private, personal, an end, loss, evil, wrong
  • birth is private, personal, exposing, naked, hopeful, good
What do death and birth mean to you, that you would feel uncomfortable, sad, anxious, terrified, worried, or angry?

 

People write to me often to ask about death, or major transitions of all kinds (which include birth).

 

Yesterday I watched a movie called Griefwalker about Stephen Jenkinson, a man who has worked with hundreds who are dying….and then I got to see Stephen Jenkinson in person speak and read from his book Die Wise.

 

(Remember my Grace Note that I was buying a ticket to see myself on Thursday? Well….I got a ticket for me, and my two kids, to see Stephen on Thursday, so that’s the way it rolled. You never know how something will turn out, do you? That’s another Grace Note).

 

One of my first inquiries in 2005 was “my father died.”

 

It seemed true….

 

….and I discovered how he lived within my heart, so closely I could call on him anytime. More quickly than when he was in form, to be honest.

 

I had done The Work on my own moment of cancer diagnosis, even though it was not terminal….the fear had raced through me.

 

I have thought deeply about death, and wondered about my fear of it. I have questioned that death is frightening….or that dying is frightening….and found deeply that I can’t prove that it’s ultimately true.

 

But I learned something new from Stephen, at just the right moment in my life.

 

Not only is this passage called death coming, but it’s a wonder, and inevitable, and happening For Sure at some unknown point.

 

And I do not have to fear it.

 

Today, I have the brilliance of this one day, apparently “alive” on someplace called earth.

 

Castles fall down (I saw some of those last August).

 

A new house is built.

 

I gave birth to two children and they were born to eventually die, who knows when.

But what I can do, is question my painful thinking about my stories about birth and death, rather than dread them.

Who would you be without your beliefs about birth, about death, good, bad, evil, wonderful, wanted, unwanted?

What if both life and death are equally true and mysterious?

  • death is shared by everyone, its what we do
  • birth is shared by everyone, its what we do

“At the very heart and core of our being, there exists anoverwhelming yes to existence. This yes is discovered by those who have the courage to open their hearts to the totality of life. This yes is not a return to the innocence of youth, for there is no going back, only forward. This yes is found only by embracing the reality of sorrow and going beyond it. It is the courage to love in spite of all the reasons to not love. By embracing the tragic quality of life we come upon a depth of love that can love “in spite of” this tragic quality. Even though your heart may be broken a thousand times, this unlimited love reaches across the multitude of sorrows of life and always triumphs. It triumphs by directly facingtragedy, by relenting to its fierce grace, and embracing it in spite of the reflex to protect ourselves.” ~ Adyashanti

I bolded these words. Because they aren’t the nicey-happy-sweet-kind-lovey-comforting words I sometimes have preferred when it comes to thoughts about this birth/life/death path.

But they are the truer words: overwhelming, tragedy, sorrow, broken, no going back…..

…..even though, unlimited love, always triumphs, fierce grace, embracing.

That’s why when I think of my dad, I can still feel the heart-break and overwhelming love, and wishing I could be with him again, and also unlimited love that has never died.
I remember and know that I am connected to him, and I honor him, and those who gave birth to him and all my ancestors.
I embrace them all in my heart, knowing also that I will be an ancestor, too, and so will my children.
Much Love, Grace
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What If You Aren’t The One Who’s Doing It?

I am truly overwhelmed and honored by all the emails, facebook head chats, messages, texts and a few in-person thank-you’s letting me know the Eating Peace webinar was meaningful, helpful and genuinely inspiring last night.

I wound up recording it (slightly accidental).

Click here (to my cooooool intro page I learned how to create all by myself) enter your email and you’ll receive everything you need to watch the webinar in your Inbox. If you don’t want to remain on the Eating Peace mailing list after you get it, just unsubscribe at the bottom, no biggie.

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It’s exciting when something works out better than you ever imagined, right?

Yay, this is good….says the inner commentator.

The feeling within is alive, excited, thrilled.

Maybe you have the thought “I made it!” or “I did it!”

But I notice sometimes stressful ideas and feelings may follow on the heals of judging things as “good”.

It’s called “I have to keep this now.”

The mind follows a line of thinking that goes something like:

Cool. I got this. Hey, let’s raise the bar now. Get to the “next level”. Achieve, accomplish, keep the success going, push through it, now 10x this thing!

(Picture a British drill sergeant yelling “GO GO GO!! Look Alive!! Look Alive!!!”)

Even if you’re not that intense, how strange the movement of thinking so quickly orients to holding on to what you got, making sure you don’t lose. You’re managing yourself and your surroundings.

The other day I heard a good friend say “I don’t want to talk about getting the new job, cause I don’t want to jinx it.”

So cute, really.

We get so superstitious.

What I’m doing, saying, thinking could make something topple, or stay with me, or move against me, or support me.

Can’t get toooooo excited, or I might wind up disappointed later!

Dang.

It’s so much WORK.

But who would you be without the belief that you did it (whatever wonderful thing it was)?

This is really un-hitching yourself from the idea that someone is to blame….including for the good stuff.

I’m not taking away the accomplishment, or suggesting you’re not as competent, or that you didn’t work super hard to get somewhere, or that you weren’t the one practicing, learning, creating.

(Or am I?)

This is simply a little exploration in noticing that even getting what you think you want sometimes isn’t all its cracked up to be.

I’ve worked with so many clients in sessions or retreats who dream of lots of money, or being thin, or being healthy, or finding a mate, or having a rock star business, or becoming president (well, OK, not one person has ever told me they wanted to be president).

Nothing wrong with any of these….

….but who would we be WITHOUT the belief that I am the one who must push, make, try, grab, fight, or drive something into happening?

Do you notice the pressure that can happen with believing you are the one in charge?

And how the thought is very long-standing and has been around a long time that your life is up to YOU?!

Who would you be without this belief….in a good way?

I notice I feel very connected to the world.

All the people who have supported me, all the steps and lessons and teachers and hard times and easy times. My heart beating, my lungs going in and out, without me telling them how to do it.

I’d feel this moment right now, full of appreciation.

I’d thank my mind for thinking, thinking, thinking so very much and believing so many thoughts that it practically shorted out like an electrical current.

I just wouldn’t be against myself, without the belief that my-life-is-up-to-me-so-I-better-work-my-ass-off.

Very aware that there is not an individual solo me here running the show.

I turn the thought around: I did not do it.

It was done. It did me. 

Somehow all forces of the universe converged, and I was there, and it happened.

I wasn’t in command, much as the mind would like to think I was. Not the one or the thing at the helm, not the one in charge, not the do-er of it all.

No way. Impossible.

Can you find the lightness in letting go of the drive to get there, get it, achieve it?

This doesn’t mean lie down on the floor and do nothing.

I notice I rarely want to do that (although I did today for awhile….right down on the floor, on the red floral carpet….it was a good position for some reason).

It just means my hands are open and relaxed, and nothing is required.

Ahhhhhhh. Awe-some.

“One day I noticed I wasn’t breathing–I was being breathed.” ~ Byron Katie

Let the show play on!

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Wow, we are starting at 9:30 am this morning in north Seattle (Kenmore) with three days of Eating Peace. There’s room for you, if something in your heart says YES. If you’re scared to try, just come. Hit reply and let me know, I’ll send you the address.

 

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Are You Too Quiet Sometimes? Speaking Up PLUS Eating Peace Webinar

Filled with regret
I should have spoken up

Today, I put together a free webinar. (Finishing touches still underway, it’ll be raw and unedited and live, tomorrow at 5 pm Pacific Time).

The webinar is: Five Brutal Beliefs to Question if you Want Eating Peace. 

But really, anyone can consider these beliefs and take them to inquiry.

You don’t have to have ever had a single compulsive bite of food.

Most people have experienced a compulsive bite of thought, however.

What do I mean by compulsive thought?

The dictionary defines compulsion as riveting, fascinating, compelling, gripping, engrossing, enthralling, captivating, irresistible, uncontrollable, overwhelming, urgent, obsessive.

Have you ever noticed your thoughts have to have this kind of energy before you actually DO something compulsive?

It’s like this: I have a thought and I believe it’s real and true.

It happens in two milliseconds flat.

Even though it makes me feel anxious, sad, angry, or unhappy….

….I’m a believer.

It doesn’t cross my mind to question whether or not the idea was true, or to question my conclusions, or the stressful things I’m imagining.

Nope, I simply decided without question what that person said about me, or what happened, or what will happen, and what I’m feeling, are threatening.

What’s happening isn’t good.

Help! Help! Help!

(Cut to chicken running around with head cut off).

Most people when they get scared, and they don’t know how to, or remember to, inquire into their mind running the show….

….then begin to do everything possible to CALM DOWN.

Compulsion, addiction, temporary insanity, craving, urges, driven, wild, frenzied, wanting, needy, desperate, grabbing, crying, wailing, screaming, self-pity….

….oh boy.

The drama! The excitement!

And I know….the extreme suffering.

We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.

I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.

(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).

So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth?

I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.

(How will I know what’s true if I don’t have a mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)

But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.

To notice you ARE the freedom.

Today, as it happens sometimes, not only was an individual client questioning thoughts about speaking up, but the Year of Inquiry group was as well.

We looked at the concept: “she shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone”.

I could find a situation immediately where a co-worker spoke up to our boss during a meeting, saying something about me I felt very embarrassed about….”Grace comes in late all the time, and makes lots of mistakes.”

She shouldn’t have said that.

I remember the feeling I had. The red hot face, the shame, the absolute rage at her later on.
Inside my head I was saying “I HATE HER!!!”
And to my friends, too.
Who would I be without the belief that co-worker so long ago shouldn’t have accused me, shouldn’t have said that?
Noticing how very safe I was, and supported. Noticing how kind our supervisor was, and clear. Noticing I never got fired, or reprimanded badly, and I got a raise later on and cleaned up my schedule and my too-speedy work.
She called me, in fact, to a more confident, clear, directed version of ME.
She should have said that.
 
Woah. True.
Turning the thought around again: I shouldn’t have said that.
 
The inquirer on our group call said “Well, I didn’t say anything!” So her examples were more about what she said to others, or said in her own mind, or said to herself.
But then we found a really juicy other turnaround, that very much fit in this particular situation: I shouldn’t have stayed quiet.
 
Who was believing, immediately, without question, that she was wrong, or being shamed, or being charged with a crime, or stupid, or hated?
That was ME.
The fear was immediate and burned deeply…..I am not good enough, she doesn’t like me, something terrible is going to happen, I can’t speak up.
None of these things were ever said out loud, at all.
Ever.
Just a few simple other words (which in my case were completely accurate).
If you’re the type of person who is too quiet, sometimes….
….you may want to explore why.
Perhaps it really WAS safer to stay quiet and not speak up (in which case, good for you for making a wise choice).
But if you’re still worried when someone confronts you, you may want to do some deep inquiring, and see if what you’re believing is actually true.
To practice living this turnaround today, I got this idea to do the webinar I mentioned.
It may not be perfect, I may fall over my words, I might not get my point across clearly, you might think my voice is dorky, the pictures or slides may not make total sense….
….but that’s what you risk when you speak up.
You risk having it go very badly (chuckling now).
Turning it all around in the most remarkable way to imagine the future without suffering:
I am willing to speak up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
I look forward to speaking up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
It could definitely happen.
“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into flight-or-flight–not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you’d like to join my webinar tomorrow, Wednesday at 5 pm Pacific Time, then click this link here to register (kinda proud of my art work creation webinar page registration, so much fun to learn).
Click Here To Register for Eating Peace (Thinking Peace) webinar.
Watch my introduction here:
Much Love,

Grace

Room for plenty more still, starting Friday, with 3 days of Eating Peace. Clean up your inside thoughts, clean up your eating. October 9-11, 2015. For more information, click here.

 

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Don’t Be Careful, You Could Hurt Yourself

If you're too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself
If you’re too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself

Eating Peace 3Day Retreat is one week away. Room for more. Join me in this thrilling ride of ending wars with food, eating and body image. October 9-11, 2015. Northeast Seattle. Register HERE.

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I need to go easy on him.

Have you ever had that thought when you know you need to bring up something to somebody that you’re pretty sure they won’t like to hear?

Phew.

Feeling mixed about speaking up is very common for a lot of people.

Dangerous results come to mind. Like people getting really mad and running away, or lashing out.

When I was in my twenties I probably got the prize for being the most indirect, angst-ridden, nervous, unclear communicator when it came to dating and men that you’ve ever met.

Well, OK.

It maybe could have been worse.

And here’s the funny part. (Sort of funny, let’s put it that way).

If I didn’t speak, and let it build, and tried to make myself tolerate and NOT talk or say anything hurtful, guess what also tended to happen during those years when it came to communication?

Yep.

The complete opposite.

Slicing someone to shreds verbally on the inside. Being super bossy and controlling. Laying down the law.

I kind of hate to admit it.

The critical part was pretty mean. It mostly happened on the inside. I sometimes gossiped about people I felt scared of. I didn’t want to tell them to their face because I was super worried about hurting their feelings and pleasing them and remaining safe.

It took a lot for me to snap.

My most common way to snap?

Eating.

Since I didn’t let myself speak up to anyone, especially men, so I could avoid hurting their feelings……

…..I would go on these eating binges that felt like tornadoes.

It was like something clicked and I’d say “f*&K IT!” and stop controlling, suppressing, diminishing and squelching my own inner anger. In a mixture of panic, rebellion and fury, I’d eat everything in sight, or drive to find whatever food I damn well wanted.

I also smoked cigarettes, or drank beer or wine.

I was like a Rebel Beoch.

By myself in my own car driving around listening to loud music.

Finally telling the whole world off by expressing the inner energy like a fire storm.

When no one was looking.

(How was that workin’ for me? Um, not so hot actually).

The trouble with letting out energy sideways like that, it never gets directly resolved.

The truth was I felt the crushing experience of believing that Other People I Love could both hurt me, and be hurt by me.

I wanted everyone to be pleased with me so that I myself never got hurt, and never caused hurt.

In many ways, this is the sweetest, dearest, kindest most loving impulse…..way down deep inside the heart.

Do you see how innocent the impulse is to have no one, including me, ever feel frightened, abandoned, ashamed, or unworthy?

You have this inner impulse of gentle loving kindness, too.

But somewhere along the way, thank God, I discovered that being super careful not to hurt anyone had an obvious assumption for me under the surface:

That it was possible to be hurt (oh terrible), and that hurting must and can be prevented.

But here’s the bummer twist to the plot.

If it’s possible to be hurt and to cause hurt, AND you believe you can prevent it, then you’re in deep doodoo.

You have to be insanely careful.

In my situation with men and dating, I’d just not answer the phone if a guy was trying to reach me for a second date. Or I’d act super this-is-friends-only and pretend I didn’t hear if a guy made flirtatious remarks who I wasn’t really attracted to.

If you believe in getting hurt, you may have to “work” on yourself to make sure you quit acting so hurt. Or you may do everything you can to relieve the hurt, end the hurt, get rid of the hurt. You need to constantly learn techniques to fix the hurt, repair the hurt, and quit suffering about the hurt.

But you just can’t accept the hurt.

No way.

You gotta FIGHT it, SMASH it, DESTROY it, BURY it.

(Munch munch chomp swallow chomp munch smash chew crunch grind chomp).

But who would you be without your story about HURT?

This includes not only hurting when it comes to dating….

….but every kind of emotional fear of getting hurt, like with friends, family, kids, siblings, co-workers, bosses, neighbors.

Who would you be without the belief that you are capable of hurting just like you were hurt?

Without the belief that it means you are worthy of being hurt, if you were hurt?

Or that someone else is worthy of being hurt, if they hurt you (or hurt others)?

What if you didn’t have the thought that hurting is forever?

“There is only one problem, ever: your uninvestigated story in the moment.” ~ Byron Katie

For me, to question my beliefs about this world hurting me has been the most basic, deep mystery brought forth by The Work.

It seemed like the universe was unfriendly.

You know, those unfriendly situations? You know the ones I’m talkin’ about?

Bad stuff happens.

Who am I though, in this present moment, without that thought that hurting happens, that getting damaged is irreparable, or that it means the universe is not so nice?

Not denial, not sugar-coated, not making it look fine when it isn’t…..

…..this is really looking to see what is actually, genuinely true.

I keep finding, with the help of others and the support of life, that every time I believe I’ve been hurt, I’m carried or pushed or guided or pointed, however softly and subtly (sometimes intensely), to something different.

Something healing.

My disordered crazed eating brought me to seek help, which brought me to the wisdom of others who had healed before me, which brought me to looking deep within at my definitions of pain, history, family, love, parents, work, God, life and death.

Your suffering may have brought you here today, to read these words, because you are a lover of understanding life and reality.

You want to know the truth.

Me too.

I turn the thought around about that thing that hurt so horribly:

  • that experience healed me
  • I was not hurt
  • it did not mean I was deserving of the pain
  • there is no need to be careful here
  • I have not unforgivably hurt other people
  • I did not hurt myself permanently
Could these be just as true, or truer?
Remember, this isn’t denial.
It’s not condoning or believing yay, I got hurt or someone else got hurt.
It’s holding it all in one wide open expansive place, mysterious and unknown.
“If you can learn to remain centered with the smaller things, you will see that you can also remain centered with bigger things. Over time, you will find that you can even remain centered with the really big things. The types of events that would have destroyed you in the past can come and go, leaving you perfectly centered and peaceful. You can be fine, deep inside, even in the face of a deep sense of loss…..Ultimately, even if ‘terrible’ things happen, you should be able to live without emotional scars and impressions.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Keep inquiring.

We’re getting it.

Can you feel what’s centered and peaceful, even with all the suffering you’ve gone through in your life?

If you can’t….don’t worry.

Inquire.

Nothing more required.

Much Love,Grace

P.S. Do you hurt yourself with food and eating? Eating Peace may be a wonderful experience for you. October 9-11, 2015.For more information, click here.

 

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Kiss The Feet of The Master by Investigating your thoughts

On my walk during retreat lunch break--silence, brilliance, joy Kissing the feet of the master
On my walk during retreat lunch break–silence, brilliance, joy. Kissing the feet of the master

I just spent three days in The Work.

Gathering with a group, writing down thoughts, asking people the four questions one by one, answering the questions internally, listening, watching minds scamper around, connecting with others in deep honesty, questioning again, sharing very authentically, dropping in deeper.

This was retreat.

The past three days were so sweet, like eating the most delicious food in the entire world.

I looked around the room gathered with 15 people and thought of them all as the most unique, fascinating, adorable, courageous, willing people.

Many of them part of a Year of Inquiry. A handful simply coming to do The Work, to learn it, to apply it and “do” it for the very first time. Everyone is welcome on the two retreats I do per year (the next one is May 13-15 by the way).

A feeling of great joy filled my body and heart for the entire retreat, the intention, purpose and sincere beauty seen in questioning the mind.

Warm, thrilled, touched, connected.

Looking at a circle of people, for me, was not always this way.

At one time, if I was one member in a circle of 15, including myself, I would have been sizing up everyone as fast as you can say Jackie Robinson.

If I was the facilitator (by some some weird fluke)…..oh boy.

Kill me now. My heart would have been beating fast, I would have had adrenaline. I would have wondered how I got to be leader, was there some mistake?

I would have been judging who I needed to be careful of, who was mentally off, who was needy, who was a blabber mouth, who needed psychological counseling, who to avoid.

My mind would have been the #1 sound, running the show with great precision and speed.

So proud of itself at the helm. So shiny and strong and genius.

And well….ok…..

…..I still think of the mind as an astonishing genius. It still comes up with ideas that are so crazed and insane and loving and hilarious they’re ah-mazing.

But I get the idea now, the truly tear-filled idea, that I do not have to believe everything I think.

Wow.

Who would all of us be without our very sad, or very traumatic, or very tragic, desperate, or empty stories about our lives?

This isn’t something that comes in the snap of two fingers.

For three days, with beautiful meal breaks and bathroom breaks and silent walks and nights to ourselves sleeping, most of us looked at one situation that brought deep disturbance to our peace.

  • A daughter who lied.
  • A wife who might embarrass her husband.
  • A sister who died young.
  • Husbands who didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t treat his wife fairly.
  • A body that gained weight.
  • Supervisors at work who criticized.
  • A mother who was mentally ill.
  • A mother who never succeeded and wasted her life.
These seem like small slices of the whole big pie of life, right?
Sometimes, one situation seems like such minutiae.
That one five-minute moment where I felt suffering.
Could I really find freedom if I question that one thing, that one situation, that one interval out of my whole existence?
Yes.
Yes.
Try it.
Answer the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet about only one tiny (or very big) interaction with a person in your life who disappointed you, angered you, or made you truly sad.
Not yourself.
It’ll come back to you anyway.
Just trust the process and watch your judgments towards another person.
Give the judgments a voice instead of ramming them underground or deciding you need a lobotomy or hating yourself or doing positive affirmations.
Don’t be such a meanie to your own mind and your own thoughts.
Let them all be there.
Have you tried to CHANGE your thoughts, with aggression? Have you said things like “I’m such a sh*$ I really need to get this together” or “if only I could stop thinking this thought” or “what the hell is wrong with me”?
Well, now you can try another way.
I notice the self-condemnation doesn’t work. It would have worked by now, if it was going to work, I notice.
How about you?
Instead……
……Halleluia, you’re thinking a stressful thought!! You hate someone, you’re really annoyed, they’re driving you bonkers, you can’t stand it, you lost someone!
Let this passion live and come out on to the paper.
This past three days I saw what happens when people explore a situation they experienced as suffering, with The Work. This is what happens when they don’t tell themselves they better stop thinking….or else….
….I call it Love.
At least, it feels like love to me.
“No one knows how to let go, but anyone can learn exactly how to question a stressful thought….After that questioning, you can’t ever be the same. You may end up doing something or doing nothing, but however life unfolds, you’ll be coming from a place of greater confidence and peace.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (married to Byron Katie) in 1000 Names For Joy Introduction
Even if YOU do not see exactly how you are changing, or you throw another log on the fire of hating-what-is and you say something like “I can’t do this questioning thing” or “it doesn’t work for me.”
Your path is very exquisite and unique.
Questioning your situations must become your own.
And it can, and must, become your own inquiry.
Your life is all about being with you and who you are, is it not?
I saw people give themselves this incredible opportunity these past three days to study themselves very closely.
It was soooooo inspiring.
Find YOUR way into self-inquiry. You might wonder if your stressful beliefs are true, and wonder if you’re worthy, or desirable, or important, or loved.
You are.
At least, that’s what I keep seeing as I connect with people in The Work.
People I’m so in love with.
This is one of the things that has happened over time, with the capacity to inquire: I love the people I sit with in a circle.
It is no longer alarming, or something to worry about.
Even if I get a little excited and have damp underarms the first day, and notice my body feels a little electric and on and awake….
….it no longer feels frightening.
Holy Holy Moly that is FANTASTIC for someone with all those pounding judgments in the past, and so much hesitation and caution.
I LOVE EVERYONE.
Then I turn this thought around and realize….
….I’m so in love with me, too.
“Gratitude, you could say, is what remains of the experience of humility. That’s my favorite position. It’s a sense of kissing the ground, licking the ground for its pure deliciousness, kissing the feet of the master that is everything without exception. There is such a sense of thankfulness for no longer being the person who thinks she knows and who has to live life out of that limited, claustrophobic mind.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Starting a special inquiry circle in Seattle second Sunday of every month from November 8 until June 12 (time TBD). Eight sessions. For those of you who love in-person rather than phone and want to keep inquiry alive so you can practice falling in to love and out of the limited, claustrophobic mind.

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Inquiry Helps A Decision Make You

People have written, called, emailed…..and one lovely woman in a rain-covered jacket knocked on my door yesterday, in person, to hand me her registration for Year of Inquiry.

I love this.

How sweet to connect with others this way.

I was reflecting last night on the words “deadline” and “early-bird”.

So boring really. Frequently used when people are offering things for purchase or registration or sale or trade for some kind of financial number.

I suddenly remembered the etymology (the origin) of the word deadline. I looked it up a couple of years ago.

What a drastic word, right?

It was invented during the Civil War in the United States, around 1864, when guards were instructed to shoot and kill anything that moved over a do-not-cross line. Prisoners trying to escape.

Hmmmm.

This is not the intention, energy, feeling or sentiment within me when it comes to saying today is the day to make a decision (in this case about Year of Inquiry, although you might have another kind of decision in your life that you call “deadline”).

Will it mean the death of your opportunity, if you don’t decide on yes or no right now?

Unlikely.

I used to feel dreadful about decisions. Agonizing about them. Making lists of pros and cons. Thinking about the risk, the loss, the gain, the advantage, the future.

But sometime after I found The Work and self-inquiry, I heard Byron Katie talking about the concept “I need to make a decision.”

And how it wasn’t true.

Then I heard Adyashanti (another favorite teacher I’ve spent time with) and HE questioned the concept “I need to make a decision.”

And how it wasn’t true.

I wrote down this concept so it was right in front of me in words.

Because I thought at the time, almost ten years ago, that I needed to make a decision about the request from my then-husband about whether or not to get divorced.

Then I did The Work, rather than “try” to make a decision.

Who would I be without the belief “I have to make this decision” or “I need to” or “I must”?

So much lighter. So much more natural.

Noticing I felt worried, but I just plain did not know yet.

Turning this concept around to try it on the opposite way…..“I do NOT need to make a decision”.

I kept noticing how this was also true, more true.

Despite those advisors who suggest “not making a decision IS a decision” (say this in a slightly parrot-like voice for effect).

Whatever.

I notice, if it’s right for me (even if it feels scary or sad or mixed) then at the fork in the road, I turn right. It it’s left for me, I turn left.

If I really don’t know, I sit down at the fork in the road and stay awhile, until something moves me.

I find without the thought that a decision needs to be made, in my own business work when organizing and creating Year of Inquiry, a much more spacious, moving, open……even feminine way of gathering a group to join together appears.

It’s powerful, and mysterious and unknown as well.

Powerful does not mean lazer-focused and sharp like a sword.

Or deadly like a deadline.

I have done The Work on business practices and what you are “supposed” to do when you provide a service for others, and what practices should look like (based on recommendations by business experts) when you’re running a business.

They are just not always true.

Who would you be today without the belief that you need to know right now what to do, in any situation presenting itself in your life as an invitation?

If you don’t know, you can wait. Mull. Reach out. Have a conversation. Mull again. Analyze. Jump!

My favorite turnaround of all when it comes to stressful beliefs about decisions is this one: A decision needs to make me.

I notice the direction my joy travels. I watch the way my pleasure moves. I open up to what is happening right here, now.

I trust that what is best for me, the highest good, is unfolding perfectly, in the right timing for me, for you, for the world.

“You are the wisdom you’re seeking, and inquiry is a way to make that wisdom available whenever you want…..You can’t have an up without a down. You can’t have a left without a right. This is duality. If you have a problem, you must already have a solution. The question is, Do you really want the solution, or do you want to perpetuate the problem? The solution is always there. The Work can help you find it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to investigate a problem, a decision, your solution, your life, your mind….I am here as a facilitator for your work, which becomes our work and my work.

And if you’re signing up for Year of Inquiry, or another 8 week class (scheduling soon) or the new business building class I will be starting this year (also to be determined when)…..

….your work becomes the group’s work, and others also support you in your enlightenment.

You can sign up for Year of Inquiry here, and remember if you need more time to gather your thoughts and discover your own decision, that is the way of it, the way it is.

Nothing will die.
Until it does.
Year-Of-Inquiry
starting in September

Retreat: September 25-27, 2015, here in Seattle (we start 9:30 am Friday and end 5 pm on Sunday).

If you’re doing telesessions only, the first week begins Tuesday, September 8th.
undefined Click here for Year of Inquiry full program with retreats in Seattle
undefined Click here for Year of Inquiry TeleSessions Only
If you need a payment plan for the year, now’s the time to ask. I will make it work for you if this is the work you want to do.
Much love,
Grace