Tag: Byron Katie

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Are You SURE You Should Buy It? Spending worries?

guiltyspend
Are you guilty if you spend?

The other day a friend shared with me her former husband’s sarcastic text about her upcoming vacation.

“I guess you’re not broke.”

I instantly was personally defending my friend, when I heard of this text, without speaking a word out loud.

That guy makes ten times as much money as my friend! He goes on a minimum of two luxury vacations a year. He demands his 12% payment from her for sports and medical fees for their kids. He ignores her at every extended family event.

He should CHILL OUT!!! Jeezus!!

How could anyone get so unhappy about money? How could anyone be such a jerk, such a victim, and keep it going for ten years (he’s been paying child support this long)?

But I watched my mind flare up, and I watched the passion to believe.

Almost like someone is beckoning seductively.

Come on over here. 

This is a really juicy one. You can get VERY upset about that nasty ex-husband of your friend (who you’ve never even met, by the way) and give it a good run, even for ten minutes.

Come on, let’s go.

Have a reaction, have a war….you can do it!

I felt a surge of energy in my chest and heart.

And then, so strange. (Because my mind is a little disappointed….no someone’s-been-done-wrong story? Awww…..)

Even as I saw the pictures and felt the force of energy against this phantom ex-husband I’ve never met….

….I felt compassion for this man, who didn’t want to get a divorce in the first place, and how terribly angst-ridden and sad he is about his loss.

He’s still angry.

He’s still upset, confused.

His life didn’t go the way he worked so hard for it to go.

And….if I read his words, in the most simple way, without emotion or stories attached….they are actually true.

My friend has felt, as I did, like she was dead broke following divorce, and then living paycheck to paycheck.

But she’s not! She can go on this vacation!

Don’t we all know it’s a terrible strain to live paycheck to paycheck, counting your pennies after mortgage, car payment, groceries and phone bill?

I can’t do anything extra! I can’t do anything luxurious. I can’t go out to eat like other people. I can’t buy anything that isn’t completely justified and required for survival. I can’t take workshops or retreats. I can’t enroll in special programs. I can’t buy fancy clothing. I can’t give to charity. I can’t…..

I can’t allow my money to go from here, in my bank account, to there….unless it’s, 1) a clear benefit to my well-being and improvement, or 2) required for my children’s happiness or, 3) I owe it from previous debt, or 4) a gift to someone who needs it more than me (which is a lot of people….I should be more grateful on top of all this!)

The thing is, my friend felt guilty before her former-husband even texted a word.

I know, because she had talked about it as she made plans for the vacation, decided to do it, figured out how to pay for it, and packed her bags.

It’s really, really painful feeling guilty about something that costs money, when you believe you do not deserve it, money is scarce in your life, and you better stay safe.

What to do?

I’m going on vacation myself, and I notice some of the very same thoughts.

I should stick around and keep working.

I’m going to need to prepare for Year of Inquiry and other fall events. I really need to tweak my website more after the overhaul not long ago. I need to make sure I’m ready for Eating Peace retreats. I need to map out my 2016 invitations.

I can’t leave town! I have to concentrate, stay with the program, focus!

Sigh.

Who would you be without the belief that you shouldn’t spend your money on that thing that brings you pleasure?

Something unusual. An interesting item to buy. A learning experience. Something that supports your life, your growth, your awareness.

It doesn’t have to be big. This can be ever so small.

Who would you be without the belief you shouldn’t dive in and go ahead and spend?

Especially if it’s clear you won’t go into debt or compromise your own sense of integrity.

I’m not saying throw all caution to the wind and go crazy buying a yacht.

But this is like my friend’s vacation.

She’s thought about it for several years. She’s actually trading some work for part of it. She’s getting low-cost fees and deals for buying way in advance, or sharing expenses with a whole group.

If you actually have the money to spend (and sometimes, its great to spend what you don’t actually have and to borrow, with integrity)….

….even if it’s a very small purchase by comparison….

….who would you be without the belief that you’re in danger if you trade your money for something you’re quite sure will bring you something you deeply value?

True, it’s not guaranteed.

But if you can question your beliefs, even as your luggage gets lost, your plane gets cancelled, your partner gets sick, you miss the train, the weather sucks….

….who would you be without the belief it has to go perfectly in order to be of value, to be of importance, or to be “worth it”?

Who would you be without the belief you are taking a HUGE RISK by spending some money?

Deep breath.

Wow.

I’d realize money comes in, goes out, comes here, goes there.

I’d recognize I can make the best decision possible at any moment. I can involve myself in wild unusual activities, like signing up for something really fascinating, or visiting a place very, very far away.

Without the belief it will be an emergency if I spend “x” amount of money, I notice there’s lightness on the money coming in, too.

What if safety is not an issue?

What if I can ask for what I need, and wait?

What if a former husband says “I guess you’re not broke”?

It’s true.

I’m OK. I’m not broke. I’m whole. Mended. Put together. Making a choice.

I’m alive, enjoying planet earth, trading money for things I find important, pleasant, necessary, and wonderful.

Whether its food, or a learning program, or a book, or a house.

Not frantic, buying something quick before I have “nothing” again in the near future, not grabbing for crumbs, not going into debt, not desperate.

Easy. Free. Not beating yourself up for feeling anxious, undeserving, worried.

Letting everything be here.

“Defense is the first act of war…..Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself….If you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered.” ~ Byron Katie

What did my friend need to realize, and I mean deeply realize within that she had not seen before?

That she was not broke, but thriving, adventurous, courageous, independent, strong and that she actually has all she needs, in order to be happy.

Maybe you have enough, too?

No matter how much it is.

“Questioning the thought that arises when you hit a bump in your life can radically change the quality of your whole existence.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,

Grace

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I Don’t Get The Work

I don’t get this. 

breitenbushinnerpath
Breitenbush: The Inner Path….In The Woods and in The Work

A woman brand new to The Work had come to the Breitenbush retreat that just ended yesterday.

She made this remark at the end of Day #1.

I had guided everyone very slowly through the process of filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on one particularly stressful situation in their lives.

Someone who really disturbed them, recently or in the distant past. The state of their health. Worries about money. A painful divorce. A difficult child. An irritating boss.

Everyone had identified beautifully what they really thought about the troubling situation or person in their lives….

….the one they really wanted to resolve.

I facilitated several people in the morning, with the whole group together in a big circle. We had then moved into other exercises and done inquiry all day. Everyone staying with the same worksheet, the same situation they began the retreat with.

And now….

….at the end of this full day….

….she was feeling frustrated.

I don’t understand how to answer these questions. I don’t understand the structure here. I don’t understand why you pause to wait for answers. The gap, the silence is uncomfortable. I want this to go faster.

She went on…

…I’ve read the book (Loving What Is). I had never even known exactly who Byron Katie a little while ago. I’ve tried everything. I was hoping this would work. But now, I’m not so sure.

I remembered feeling that way, even after reading Loving What Is.

What?? How do I answer these questions??!!

“OK. Let’s do something different,” I said.

This wasn’t what I had planned on doing right then. A request had been made, through this beautiful confused person who was trying to understand this powerful and deep way of ending suffering through questioning thought.

I stood up and walked to the white board.

“No worksheet. Just say out loud a very painful thought you believe. You think this about life, about you, about others, about God. What hurts?”

People started to speak slowly.

I am all alone. It’s my fault. Something terrible is going to happen.

And then….

….they were coming in faster than I could write them all, filling up the board.

He abandoned me. She hated me. I don’t deserve to be happy. My body is too old. I’ll never be peaceful. God must be punishing me. She died. I am not enough. I don’t have enough. Nobody loves me. My life has been wasted. He shouldn’t have suffered. He should have stayed. There’s not enough time. The world is a dangerous place. People hurt me. I am no good. She should have gone to jail.

“Everyone stand up! And close your eyes!” I said, putting the cap on the pen.

“Pick your thought. The one that hurts. The one you secretly worry about.”

“Now, silently answer these questions….”

“Is it true? (silent moment) Are you positively sure it is true? (silent moment).

“How do you react when you think this thought?….

….Begin to walk around slowly. Walk around the room, feeling this thought. Where do your eyes want to go? Where do they want to gaze? How do you move when you have this thought running through your mind? What happens in your body?”

Everyone started moving.

We moved and milled about and felt for a long while, maybe fifteen minutes.

“Now, pause,” I said….”Move into a pose that reflects how you feel with this thought.”

People crunched down into little balls. People put their foreheads against the wall and stood as still as a cement statue. They lay down on the floor. They squeezed their eyes tightly shut.

I myself hunched over looking at the ground. I felt sullen, listless, sunken in.

“So who would you be without your thought?”

“Slowly begin to move again, without your story. How would you move without this thought? What do you want to look at now? What is it like to be in your body? How do you feel about the other people in the room, without your stressful belief?”

I took a moment to straighten up. I had my own eyes closed, but softly without tension. It took me a moment to feel it.

I opened my eyes and turned towards the room to see people with smiles, people jumping, hugging. Hugs everywhere! Tears streaming down cheeks. People looking up, into each other’s eyes. Connecting.

The one who had said “I don’t get this” was trembling and I put my arm around her.

Back in our circle of chairs, seated once again….

….the woman who wasn’t getting it shared that for the first time, she began to feel what it was like that her father committed suicide when she was only a child.

And what it would really mean to be without that story, which she had told all her life.

And me?

I was feeling what it was like to be without the thought that I need to help anyone get it, that I must explain The Work well enough, that people should have breakthroughs and be free to change their lives with this self-inquiry….

….the way it has changed mine.

I knew it didn’t matter if no one got it, ever.

But I could move in the moment, as called for. I could switch the plan. I could ditch the plan altogether. I could follow the deepest voice of love that knows what to do, even if it doesn’t.

I knew that this life of self-inquiry and waking up is so unbelievable (literally) and magnificent, so astonishing and loving, so frightening at times and yet so supportive….

….that I couldn’t stop now if I wanted to.

I invite people to do The Work with me because somehow, it’s become my job. But I’m not even sure I thought of this job, ever (actually, I’m sure I didn’t).

It just appeared as the thing to do, and people show up to join me.

It’s the greatest gift and greatest work I’ve ever had. I love that people appear to help me wake up, every day, every retreat, every class, every workshop.

Thank you so much for being here. You are part of the whole package, even if I haven’t met you in person.

Thanks for helping us all wake up.

“Let your feelings tell you when the first lie begins. Then inquire. Otherwise, you get lost in the feelings and in the stories that lead to them, and all you know is that you hurt and that your mind won’t stop racing. And if you inquire, you catch the first lie through noticing your feelings. And you can just stop the mind by putting the story you’re attached to on paper. There’s a portion of your stressful mind stopped, even though it may still be screaming in your head.” Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,
Grace
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Who You Are Without Your Stressful Thought About Who You Are

youarelove
What are you, without your stressful thoughts?

Yesterday the 3-day Year of Inquiry retreat came to a close.

I loved having everyone in my cottage, making a comfortable circle in the cozy living room where I live.

It’s sooooo sweet to have the people on retreat look like they’re truly feeling my home is their home, leaving their things in piles on the floor, bringing their food for the fridge, making tea when they need it, saying “where’s the extra toilet paper”, curling up in a blanket on the front porch couch for a lunch time nap.

Pictures of each person in our gathering traipse across my mind right now with so much love in my heart.

The sweetness of their sincerity, their desire to look closely at this mind which thinks as it does, and has all its objections to various forms of reality.

Everyone is so dear, so beautiful. I love them, and their stories, too.

Someone asked at the end….

….”What do I do when that horrible self-doubt arises again? When that guilt or disappointment enters my thinking?”

What do I do when I don’t feel good next time, when I have a hard time again, or when something really bad happens?

The most simple answer is…well, you guessed it…

…Do The Work.

But here’s what happens when you’re open to doing The Work regularly.

It starts working you.

You may have heard Byron Katie say this phrase. It comes from her describing her own experience.

What does it mean?

That you don’t actually have to try so hard.

Like a stalled car in a ditch that’s getting pushed back up to the road….

….at the beginning, a group of people grunt and heave-ho to get the thing moving.

ONE – TWO – THREE – PUSH!!!

Everyone leans in with all their might, grabbing the door handles, shoving from the trunk, pushing against partially opened doors.

Maybe one person has to sit in the driver’s seat holding the steering wheel in the right direction so things don’t go too off course.

The wheels turn and the car moves ever so slightly forward one inch, then rolls back to its original position.

Everyone rests a moment.

Then again….ONE – TWO – THREE – PUSH!!!

This time the wheels slowly crank forward two inches, then three.

Everyone is juiced up because there’s some action, no matter how small and how tiny. Movement is happening.

Someone shouts….AGAIN!!!!! ONE – TWO – THREE!!!

Everyone heaves again.

Then you can feel it. The momentum grabs hold, the wheels turning, the car coming up the ditch and back onto the road.

Everyone shouts HURRAY!!! And jumps for joy!!

The Work moves the same way.

You question your beliefs about the world. You watch your mind spinning off in despair, depression, disappointment or anger.

But you keep questioning.

You do it with other people. You get people to facilitate you.

Is this true? What is going on? Who would I be, how would I feel, without this belief? Without this defense? Without this terror?

I shared with the group this past weekend something I experienced while doing The Work over time.

One day, something really difficult happened.

Very soon (within minutes, or maybe seconds) I had the sick feeling of being wrong, of being a disgusting awful person who made a terrible mistake and hurt someone else and was clueless and stupid.

But then right in the middle of these terrible shouting thoughts, and the feeling of heaviness, I had the thought “what if this is not true?”

What if I am not bad, wrong, a mistake, unworthy, guilty….right now?

What if this feeling is not based on reality?

Because I already knew, deep down, it wasn’t.

And suddenly, the feeling vanished of being a worthless piece of dung….

….and the thoughts themselves dissolved.

I actually can’t remember what the specific incident was, but the dark feeling that I made a mistake was gone.

If you keep practicing something….

….how can it not become part of your nature?

I figure, I had already been practicing the unquestioned I-Am-Shit thoughts many days of my life….

….I may as well practice questioning them instead.

As I practiced, I began to see the present moment and how amazing it often was.

The goodness, the quiet, the simplicity, the silence.

I began to see the innocence of all the people I ever met, and of reality, and how out of my hands this whole thing actually is….

….and I could see the innocence of whomever this Grace Bell is too.

“Can you see how the mind has a plan? Can you know you’ll be afraid in the future? The flowers are still sitting here. They didn’t move because they were afraid [pointing to a vase of flowers]….Like a little child, you believe things that frighten you.You live in a world that isn’t happening, and you trade grace, for that.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would you be without your devastating, guilty or stressful thought?

Ask yourself over and over, and you begin to truly find out.

Without even trying. Because it’s bigger than your thinking, and it was there all along, before you ever had a thought about it.

Who would you be without your painful thoughts?

You would be love. That’s who you’d be.

Much love, Grace

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Mean Girl Trouble

competition
Secret inner thoughts about girlfriends? Question your thinking, free yourself from being a Mean Girl.

A good friend shared with me how she hasn’t had the greatest track record with women friends.

“There’s always jealousy, back-stabbing, competition, it never feels like true acceptance,” she said with a little frustration in her voice.

I was reminded of being in a program on women’s empowerment once where 250 women came together for 5 weekends to look very deeply at feminine energy and how it is distinct from masculine.

Yes…you could say it’s all stories and never clearly defined. It’s all conditioning. It’s all related to cultural history, or family and society.

You could say that ultimately, none of us are our gender, personality, age, or even identified as our bodies at all.

There is of course something far greater than how we appear. This mind is vast and brilliant. You may even have experienced the mystery of yourself as something quite completely different than the form of your body.

But.

It was really fun to be in that program with all the women.

We were spending time with these female bodies, concepts, social and family experiences and taking a exploratory look.

It was like painting a picture with the colors of “feminine” however we might distinguish these.

Open, receiving, beautiful, vague, mysterious, curving, circular, feeling, pink.

And we inquired into the concepts of competition, mean-girl energy, anger, territorial fighting, jealousy.

Because one goal in the program was to invite women to notice where they believed their thoughts about other women….

….and to STOP IT.

Every woman in that program was encouraged to support other women, their sisters, at a very deep, core level. To connect, trust, love and share with them.

I loved it.

I grew up in a family of only girls. Four of us.

Sometimes….we definitely had this furious, demanding, competitive energy running between us for various reasons.

But also tons of love and laughter. I felt like I knew how to connect with women really well.

That whole competitive mean thing wasn’t really my problem.

Then…….not long after participating in this training, I was on the dance floor with many friends at a big dance gathering. I danced playfully through the crowd. People at this dance could dance together, apart, together again. It was free form dancing…..moving however you wanted to the music (I highly recommend it). No talking, but movement of any kind, in any order, with anyone or by yourself.

I danced happily up to a woman I enjoy, a friend. She was dancing with a man we both knew.

Then, I saw it.

The look. The gesture she made with her arm. Turning her back towards me. Like she was saying “get away from us, I AM dancing with him right now, NOT YOU!”

Dang.

I danced away immediately.

But on the inside….grrrrrrrrr.

What is wrong with her? Seriously??!!

She should NOT be like that. She’s too insecure.

Hmmmm.

Maybe I wasn’t so “completely fine” with this whole idea of competitive mean-girl energy after all.

Because here I was, judging someone else for having it.

How did I react when I believed she should relax and quit thinking of me as a threat?

Defensive. Pissed. Feeling like NOT being her friend. Hurt on the inside.

Who would I be without the belief that she should NOT have been that way, that she should have been smiling and open and happy to include me?

I would have been much more compassionate. I might have even asked her about it later….to see if it was even TRUE (since no words were ever spoken).

I might have remembered that sometimes, people act unfriendly and don’t have smiles on their faces, and it doesn’t mean anything about me.

I turn the belief around: She should be like that. She should be worried or feeling insecure. She should have been mean. She should have gestured for me to get away.

How could this be as true, or truer?

This is really powerful to consider.

Her whole life and all the experiences she’s ever had have brought her to her conclusions. Just like my experiences have affected what I think!

That moment showed me who to dance away from.

Why would I demand anyone include me, if they don’t want to?

I turn around the thought again, to myself: I am the one who shouldn’t feel worried or insecure. I shouldn’t have been mean. I shouldn’t have been like that. 

Yes, I was assuming everyone should love and welcome me at all times.

I haven’t even done this for myself! Why should someone else?!

If I don’t want to engage in competitions, be vicious and judgmental, attack others internally in my mind, make demands like how other people should behave in my presence….

….then it’s my job to be open, kind, gentle.

Especially with me.

“Would you rather be right, or free?” ~ Byron Katie 

“We see people and things not as they are, but as WE are.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Subscribe and listen to Peace Talk Podcast HERE. Three short podcasts a week on freedom through inquiry.
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Be Curious Like A Kid At A Magic Show

This weekend I learned that for magicians, if they had to choose between audiences of adults or kids for who would be most easily and quickly fooled…..

…it would be adults.

The kids, apparently, are super curious, trying to figure out the trick, and able to think more outside the box.

magic
Could you become more lightly curious about your troubles?

Wouldn’t it be great to have this approach when it comes to understanding stress, pain, and conflict in your life?I had a smile come across my face as I realized….

….that’s what self-inquiry and The Work offer.

A way to become curious about your problems, to study them with an open mind that knows there’s some other way to see this….

….you just don’t know what it is, yet.

When you have something deeply disturbing you….

….who would you be without the belief you have to figure it out, that this is serious, or that having no answer is frustrating, or terribly depressing?

What if you could trust, just a tad, that everything will be revealed at the right moment, in the right way, for your greatest peace, or enjoyment, or clarity?

I notice when I consider this question….

….I breath very deeply and pause.

Something within relaxes.

Maybe even becomes curious.

Without your stressful story….who, or what, would you be?

“You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.”

~ John O’Donohue

Could you be curious about your dilemma, like you are watching a magic show?

What is your stressful thought, the one you’re thinking over and over again?

Take it through inquiry.

A beautiful way to be gentle with yourself.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Peace Talk podcast speaks to stress and money starting today, and two more times this upcoming week. Subscribe and listenHERE. Submit a rating and a review on itunes–it really helps get the word out.

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Faster Than A Speeding Bullet…Look! It’s A Thought!

the speed of thought is *zoom*
the speed of thought is *zoom*

It’s amazing how speedy quick thought happens.

Kinda like Superman.
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Thoughts are crazy wild, racing down the German Autobahn.
It is concerning, since thoughts move and multiply so chaotically and exponentially, when a thought produces stress.
Gentle, happy, easy, smooth or wonderful thoughts aren’t so difficult to deal with.
(Although…funny side effect……when you question troubling thoughts, the thrilling ones can also dissolve. This is not a bad thing. More on this another day).
Thoughts. Move. Fast.
This is on my mind because I spoke about “stopping” thought on the Peace Talk podcast I was recording just today.
You can’t.
Stop thought, that is.
But you can stop believing what you think, taking it seriously, thinking its important, repeating it for years.
How?
Through self-inquiry, of course. Do The Work.
Why do it though?
What a pain…..I mean, it takes work. It seems like when doing the work, the mind is busy-busy and the brain is analyzing and obsessing and contemplating and “working” and crunching.
You have to write things down, to have to get people to ask you the four questions, you have to look at your immature, frightened thinking.
Who needs it!?!
Jeez! Give it a rest!
That’s the thing, though.
Have you tried to give it a rest, and noticed…
…you actually can’t?
Mind thinks thoughts.
“You either question your stressful thoughts, or not. That’s your only choice.” ~ Byron Katie
If you notice your mind has occasionally been full of thoughts about a topic, a person, an issue, an incident or a situation.
And you’ve even tried many ways of resolving these thoughts, getting rid of them, shaking them off, changing the channel, eating, drinking, distracting yourself, falling in love, quitting, moving on, going to therapy.
If you’ve tried everything, may you might want to write down what runs through your mind?
The uncomfortable, terrible thoughts.
And ask….
Is it true?
Are you absolutely sure?
How do you react when you believe this, when you think it over and over again? What happens inside your body? How do you act?
Who would you be if you just got here from Jupiter and you weren’t a human after all but instead were an entity made of star dust? Like ET, what if you had never learned, with all your conditioning and stories, all the ideas you have about THIS difficult situation?
Can you use your imagination to see things differently?
Start with one simple painful thought.
Like….she hurt me. He hurt me. I’m in danger. This isn’t safe.
Become an un-believer. Give yourself the freedom you really, truly desire.
The freedom you truly have already.
“Human beings have a drive for security and safety, which is often what fuels the spiritual search. This very drive for security and safety is what causes so much misery and confusion. Freedom is a state of complete and absolute insecurity and not knowing. So, in seeking security and safety, you actually distance yourself from the freedom you want. There is no security in freedom, at least not in the sense that we normally think of security. This is, of course, why it is so free: there’s nothing there to grab hold of.” ~ Adyashanti
Much love,
Grace
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Are You Comparing Apples and Oranges Again?

comparison
one of these is better than the other….is that true?

I was in a lecture by a dynamic, inspiring motivational speaker about working for yourself.

I had actually spoken on the phone to her before, and taken one of her classes. I liked her. She was really fascinating, actually. How wonderful to hear her amazing story of success.

Until.

Wait. How much money did she just say she made in her first year of being in business for herself? Are you kidding me?

How come she got so successful?

What am I doing wrong?

I made a tenth of what she made in my first year of business. One TENTH. I could barely live on it.

There’s no comparison really.

Plus I think she’s about 25 years younger.

In literally a matter of 60 seconds, I was making plans to go live in Pema Chodron’s monastery next year and throw in the towel.

This is ridiculous. I’ll never get “it”.

There’s no point in going on!!

Have you ever felt the Drama-Queen Extremes?

I jest, but I know the feeling of comparing yourself to someone “better” than you can be quite brutal, debilitating and low.

It’s not all that funny, when you’re in the middle of it.

But who would you be without the thought that you should just give it all up and quit, cash out in despair?

Who would you be without the belief you should push on, never give up, and bore yourself like a drill into your plan of success?

Who would you be without your thoughts? Your comparisons? Your fears of the future? Your regrets of the past?

What would it feel like, in this moment right now as you read these words, to consider neither giving up nor pressing on?

“Normally we try to relax beyond our circumstances. We try to transcend our experience. We try to find truth. We try to wake up. But just imagine the relief you could feel having zero task. You can’t make yourself relax, you can’t make yourself let go, you can’t make yourself tight, you can’t make yourself restricted. The relief to being resigned or relinquished to resting in your experience is immeasurable.” ~ Ross Oldenstadt

Huh?

But WOW.

Suddenly *click* (or maybe more like *kapow!*) I am in this moment noticing faces, sound, voices, air, colors, joy, being this, not being that, being this instead, relating, connecting.

Noticing gratitude, and laughter, at all the compulsive comparing and planning and efforts to not-effort.

Truly, nothing to do. Nowhere to go.

Turning the thoughts around: Making that much money is not required for success. I am not doing it wrong. I am doing it right. I am not “doing” it. The amount of money I have is success. The amounts of monies coming and going have nothing to do with success or lack of success.This life has gone this way, just right. 

So glad life moved me into a moment of hearing a speaker that reminded me of comparison that reminded me of inquiry that reminded me of peace and nothing-but-now.

I am alive, I am breathing, I am typing, I sit on a beautiful and comfortable white couch, I laugh at my mind, I feel what’s here that is not a thinking brain, I relax, I celebrate these fairy tales all around me including big happy wild accomplishment stories and big fat failure stories, I notice I’m having a lot of fun with this whole success work-for-yourself thing.

Once upon a time….

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Even though its Mother’s Day, I’m offering a 3 weeks of Sunday sessions doing The Work on Money on 5/10, 5/17 and 5/24 from 9-11 am Pacific Time. By donation. Every session will be recorded….click HERE if you want access to the recordings, to join on any call, or participate with this powerful freedom work.

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The Best Way To Discover Secret Stress In Your Mind

journal
write it down

Last night the Eating Peace live inquiry call did some digging into finding stressful thoughts about food….

….but really, also, about life.
The great question that I love, to better identify where your mind might be arguing with reality, is to answer this question:
Who’s to blame?
What’s to blame?
Whose fault is it, or what, that you’re not feeling so hot, or you’re having trouble with (food, drugs, sex, work, money, relationship).
Sometimes its crazy simple.
I’m having trouble with that person because that person is a retard! I blame them! Duh!
But sometimes, when you’re overeating, or obsessing about money, or have a general feeling of dread, or thinking about drinking alcohol….
….you might not know exactly what’s bothering you.
It may seem like you’ve been bothered forever, and you’re in a pattern you can’t break.
Too hard to find who to blame.
And you probably blame yourself….viciously.
Because you’re reacting–as in, you are deep in a reaction to some OTHER belief that doesn’t really have all that much to do with the actual food, or alternate compulsive behavior.
For example.
When I was learning about my feelings and how they propelled me in life, especially when it came to my super-destructive eating patterns, I started keeping a journal.
A therapist suggested it. About 50 times.
When I finally began to write, daily, or whenever I felt the most pain and agony about food….
….I was deeply honest.
I wrote how I felt. Not just about food, but about people, life, my situation.
Then, when I had enough data (journal entries) I went back through my journal with my therapist, and she asked me about what I had written about.
Through these conversations, I discovered patterns in my eating.
It was like a lightbulb went off.
Woah–I eat when someone scares me or confronts me, and I’m worried I might be getting rejected or criticized.
Only, I eat about 5 hours later….when the coast is clear and I’m all alone.
Bam.
From keeping my journal, I noticed I ate when I felt rage.
I could also see the assumptions I made about what was going on with other people, and what they thought of me, and what was dangerous, and what I might need or want to request.
As I began to become familiar with my own inner world of feelings, and what they pointed to (my stories) everything I believed started to unravel.
If you have unconscious, speedy-quick, addictive or compulsive behaviors….
….start carrying around a little notebook.
Record your thoughts–but also your feelings.
This information is gold.
And it may save your life.
“Rather than understand the original cause–a thought–we try to change the stressful feelings by looking outside ourselves….Stories are the untested, uninvestigated theories that tell us what all these things mean. We don’t even realize that they’re just theories….Stress is an alarm clock that lets you know you’ve attached to something not true for you.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace
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Questioning Angry Thoughts About The J-O-B!

moneyinthesky
Reaching too hard for money? Question your thinking, relax about money.

I’m excited for this coming Money Soul Sunday. Come join me if you want to do the work on money.

Suggested donation for 3 Sundays for 9-11 am Pacific Time inquiry sessions is $33 – $99 for one, two or three weeks, come to any or all.

If you’re having trouble with paying, it’s OK….just write to me by hitting reply.

Every session will be recorded and sent to anyone who wants this work.

******

You might know my dreaded story of losing money, wanting money, obsessing about money, being so discouraged about money I could hardly handle it (but apparently, I did).

It felt soooooooo horrible at the time.

It even felt horrible AFTER the time.

I would remember the anxiety, like I was holding my breath, wondering constantly from month to month if I could pull the house payment together.

My kids were eligible for free meals at school.

I could have gone on food stamps, but was too proud to start the process.

I would dress in my power suit, and go to interviews. At least 20 once I really started pounding the pavement.

Many times, I was a finalist. I had never had such a strange “losing” streak with one person getting hired over me in the final decision.

Except.

Here’s the weird thing.

That whole pins-and-needles time of wondering what would happen every day with money, I had a secret.

I tried to smash it down and hide it and change it and bury it in the ground and fix myself.

My secret?

I did NOT WANT TO WORK at a J-O-B.

Seriously, I was so angry at the system, so bored in past jobs, feeling like a loser, and not having gotten the right education, and having let myself become dependent in a marriage, and not actually being all that interested in ANY companies or organizations.

Plus let’s not even get started on my feelings about the “nothing” I had to offer.

My self-esteem was so trashed….

….I never felt genuine and authentic in any single interview.

But a part of my process, at that time, was to begin to do The Work in earnest on not only money, but on work. Having a boss, co-workers, commutes, break rooms, cubicles.

I really had some negative ideas about “work”.

Did you notice I called work….which is really the very dynamic (and often fun, and challenging) experience of offering services and expertise in exchange for participating in an organizational community….

….a J-O-B like it was a swear word??

I hated the thought of someone “controlling” me and bossing me around, and expecting me to act certain ways.

I thought it would mean I was being suppressed, imprisoned, and enslaved.

Phew.

That was some rough and stressful thinking!

Thank goodness I recognized the stress and started asking myself….

….who would I be without the belief that getting a job was like going to prison and conforming to an office-building environment, forever?

Ha ha, I laugh at myself now.

Because without the belief, I noticed I felt excited about work.

And after I questioned my thoughts about jobs, I started getting more interested in the job hunt. At the very same time as people started asking me to facilitate them for sessions in The Work.

I got a part time job, not a full time one, through a weird series of circumstances. Which was perfect because it gave me time to work with more clients at home.

And at my new part time job, I loved the people, the interesting new problems, the communication challenges, my beautiful fancy office chair, the conference rooms with stunning views of the lake below, and excellent health insurance.

I loved the meetings, the really incredible professionals I met, the watching, learning, hearing and learning mega details about medicine and treatments I would never have learned in a million years normally, outside of medical school.

I practically miss that job, it was so cool.

Wow.

I never could have imagined actually becoming generally comfortable, feeling like I belonged, at a J-O-B.

Thank goodness for The Work.

It helped me turn my entire attitude towards finding jobs and earning money around to making it more like “play” in my reality.

Well….OK, that might be getting a little carried away (the word play) but it certainly wasn’t so “hard” all the time.

It was not positive thinking or trying to have a positive attitude, it was actually seeing it for real. A wonderful place to be for certain times during the week, with pretty awesome people.

If you’re upset about work, or unemployment, or co-workers, or commuting, or paychecks, or raises, or anything you do in your experience of money….

….question your thinking, change your world.

“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie

We’ll be doing this on May 10, May 17, May 24. Join me!

Much love,
Grace
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Be Honest And Set Yourself Free

koalagrouphug
Year of Inquiry group hug – even when its virtual

Several months ago when Year of Inquiry met to question thoughts together one morning via teleconference….a very interesting thought appeared for investigation.

Our topic was  Authority.
Power, control, being bossed, trying to boss yourself, getting manipulated, having concern with who or what is in charge.
People in YOI once again had really profound and varied worksheets, unique to their experiences.
One wonderful inquirer had a few thoughts about Society and how controlling it is about sexuality.
He should, she should, they should….
One thought rose to the surface, very painful and nerve-racking:
Men leave women who don’t want to “x”.
I’m making sure this note is rated G.
You get the idea though. Someone leaves if someone else doesn’t do what they want.
What a frightening and controlling thought.
If I do it, I feel like a slave. If I don’t do it, I’m abandoned.
Rats. No win.
This kind of dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships that have nothing to do with requests related to sexuality at all.
On the job between boss and employee, or between parents and children, or between friends, or neighbors.
Pretty much between any two people. Period.
If I don’t do what that person wants, I will be abandoned. If they don’t do what I want, I will abandon them!
Dang! Wait a Second! This is true!
I’ve been ditched and I’ve done the ditching a bunch of times because what was wanted by someone…..didn’t happen!!!
Are you sure that’s true?
Yes.
Ask anyone.
When people’s relationships end and someone gets left, it’s because one person wasn’t getting what they wanted from the other person.
Are you completely sure of this?
Well….No.
How do you react when you believe you get left when someone else doesn’t get what they want from you?
Sigh. It’s hard.
Lots of examining relationships, to make sure I’m doing OK, make sure I’m giving enough, being a good friend, a good partner, a good sibling, a good earner, a good pleaser, a good daughter, a good teacher, a good student, a good worker, a good mother, a good granddaughter, a good neighbor, a good citizen.
Anything. But. Abandonment.
But who would you be without that thought?
Without the belief that being left had something to do with you? That you can prevent leaving from occurring? That your leaving had something to do with them? Or that you know what’s best for everyone involved?
Woah.
What if the way it went, or the way it’s going to go, is going to be the best way ever? What if people will do what people will do….and it’s really not so personal?
Turning it around…
If I don’t do what I want, I will be abandoned–by myself!  
Sooooo True!
And let’s face it, we feel awful when we abandon ourselves.
Someone in our inquiry group said “No one ever talks about this!”
She was relieved, loving the freedom to speak and hear from others.
I thought….everyone here is connecting, sharing very honestly, doing the work on a stressful belief about something extremely intimate.
We were all, in that very moment of connecting, sharing and truth-telling….
….we were all experiencing whatever the opposite is of abandoned…..
…set free.
Just like all honest conversations.
“Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet. Any place you defend is where you’re still suffering. There’s nothing out there that can oppose you. There is just fluid motion, like the wind….I am everything that I have ever called other people; they were me all along.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace