breaking up – Page 2 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

July 22, 2015

What if Love is Not What You Think?

“The course of true love never did run smooth.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs.

To be wise and love exceeds man’s might!”

These are all comments written by the famous Shakespeare.

Love is not exactly given a good rap.

Love….never smooth, blind, unclear, sad, and unwise.

One of the great dilemmas people come to inquiry with, in solo sessions with me because often they feel so guilty and ashamed they don’t want anyone else to hear about it, is if they should stay or go in their committed love relationship.

It’s like torture.

Come, go, quit, stay, leave, arrive, enter, exit, approach, depart, divorce, stay married, break up, renew.

It’ll drive anyone insane if you think you should make a decision.

So that concept itself is a great one to question (search “decision” in other Grace Notes for inquiry about making a decision).

But if you’re torn, and you want more focus and light on your experience….

….start with writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on all the stuff you dislike, resent, feel disappointed about or feel bored by when it comes to your partner.

Judge the heck outta them.

Don’t hold back. Let it rip.

Do The Work on all the concepts. Explore it deeply.

THEN….

….you may be at a new open level.

You don’t feel stung, or like a victim, or enraged. The emotional intensity is softened, you’ve relaxed your attack significantly.

You notice it’s very peaceful to not want that person to be different than they actually are.

And it’s impossible anyway.

But you realize….it’s not actually this person you’ve made a commitment to, who you spend time or a home with, that’s the problem.

You’re facing something much bigger than you thought before.

You’re facing your beliefs about love and what it’s supposed to give you in your life. You’ve believed, maybe, that you’ll only have love if you’re technically “with” another human being.

You’re facing your beliefs about being alone.

And THIS is what really frightens you.

Oh, and hurting your partner’s feelings. Can’t forget that.

It causes great anxiety and sorrow.

But who would you be without the belief you’ll hurt someone when you say goodbye?

Who would you be without the thought that when you cause someone to cry, you should be punished, or you’re doing it wrong?

Who would you be without the belief that love means sacrifice, or love means holding back and staying together even if you want to fly, or that love means you can’t do what you truly want?

Who would you be without the belief that being alone sucks and does not involve the feeling of love?

What if you came from another planet and you were raised with the notion that mating, parting, togetherness, and being alone all have beautiful benefits and you are free to move in and out of these states as long as you live?

I notice, I already do move in and out of these states of mind, even though technically I’m “married”.

There is very little neediness, or grabbish energy, or expecting things. This is also a second marriage for both of us and it is very, very different from what we once believed about partnership and marriage.

But we have both inquired very, very thoroughly about what love is, what love is supposed to “do” for you, and found that it can be present whether you’re in relationship or out of relationship.

What if you knew you were completely and entirely safe, no matter what you pick or which way you move?

Recently I facilitated a sincere inquirer on the dread she felt about breaking up with her boyfriend.

She hated the way he was with money, she disliked his gambling, she wasn’t comfortable with his drinking, she wasn’t all that excited about his relationship with her son….

….but she was scared to “have to” start dating again.

What if it was the best thing in the whole world to date?!

Her assignment was….finding real, genuine, honest, authentic examples of turnarounds for being single, and dating.

This was a whole new world for her to imagine the joy of having someplace to yourself, being alone, taking yourself out to a movie, joining friends, connecting with groups, speaking freely, inviting others, having a blast and following her deepest pleasures.

Wow. So exciting.

Who would you be without your painful beliefs about love?

What if love was present whether you’re with a person, or not?

What if love has nothing to do with being married, or single?

Are you sure what you mean when you say “love” is actually “love” and requires another person?

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud…Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” ~ Corinthians

This means it endures through singleness and through contact with others.

Could love be present in any moment?

Even if you see the sadness at saying goodbye, and you cry your eyes out.

Maybe that heartbreak is all a part of love, breaking your heart open to something bigger and more expansive than ever imagined.

Life is like that.

Isn’t that what we really always wanted?

“Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you already have it–that you are it……Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

February 2, 2015

Want A Do-Over In A Love Relationship?

Have you ever wanted a do-over when it comes to a relationship?

Lately I’ve done The Work with many people who have romantic partner troubles.

She left, he left, I need her, he’s gone, she shouldn’t have had other partners before me, he shouldn’t have found someone else so fast, she shouldn’t have kids with another man, I’ve been hurt, abandoned, I’ve lost the other person.

Woah, it’s a long and sad tale…..for many people, for centuries.

The funny thing is, it can even hurt when you know these thoughts aren’t actually true.

When my 16 year marriage was ending, I was shocked at the level of grief, rage and fear that sometimes surfaced.

As I did The Work carefully, investigating all my inner worries…

…I discovered that I used this experience to prove there was something wrong with me, that I had missed something, made a mistake, that I had become worthy of being left.

Ow. No wonder it hurt.

The ego-centered mind just LOVES to wind up being a victim and lash out at the world…it really gets off on it.

As I began to date people (I love close, intimate relationships, so this felt really natural) I had a brand new experience I hadn’t really been aware of before.

I twisted myself up like a pretzel trying to be pleasing!

Never again did I want anyone to decide to leave me, or even entertain the idea.

Trouble is, when you try to be sooooo easy-going, so perfect, so nice, so pleasant to be around…

…you can practically make yourself sick, literally, with the falseness of it all.

It’s so fake!

(I felt anxious, vulnerable and awful during that prezel-bending time–which just happens to be when I got a cancerous tumor on my leg).

Who would you be without the belief you need to figure out what someone else wants, and do that, in order not to be rejected or win their approval?

Who would you be without the belief that it’s possible to even be rejected or abandoned or approved of, at all?

Seriously.

What if someone breaking up with you was the same as them saying “bye honey, I’m leaving for work”!

You don’t freak out when that happens, right?

You consider it NORMAL.

It would be weird if they DIDN’T ever leave!!

What if you turned these thoughts around about yourself, or your need to please or protect yourself?

He set me free, she considered me strong and independent enough to handle it, I don’t need anyone (in a good way), she should have had every single partner and all they taught her, he should have found someone else very fast to free me up, so grateful she had kids with another man, I’ve been healed, I’ve been found, I am worthy of being set free, this was a repair (not a mistake), there is something right with me.

Woohoo!

Allow yourself to feel this, not just catch it mentally in your mind.

The joy is immense. There is no need for creating barriers or shields between yourself and others, or over-pleasing.

All you do is let yourself be right here, present, loving everyone around including yourself in this amazing moment.

And watch what happens.

Here’s an example of the total goofiness in trying to carefully calculate what might please someone else….from one of my favorite movies ever….

….Groundhogs Day….

….which is TODAY!!

Laugh and be free! You get a do-over!!

Love, Grace

December 9, 2013

Could This Bad News Be Good?

It was very late on a Sunday night. My house was extremely quiet. Only the sound of the baseboard heater turning on and off occasionally filled the living room with a low hum.

I was making my second cup of tea. I was nervous, and my mind packed to the brim with thoughts of an anxious nature.

Wondering….what if? How about…?

I was deep into the process of separation and divorce, but it all seemed fairly new. Like a sharp right turn was taken in the road when I expected the landscape to be flat and smooth.

My house was sometimes completely empty, like that Sunday, when beforethis change, on any given Sunday night there were my two children, my (former) husband, maybe even more children, nieces and nephews all sleeping in various rooms and formations throughout the house.

For the entire weekend, at that time many years ago, I had been alone in the house. And, for that entire weekend, I had been out of touch with a man I was newly dating.

I had texted, called, emailed. No response.

Unusual, I thought….and yet, I also hadn’t even been involved with this person for very long. So what was “usual”?

But I had a feeling of great unrest.

he’s with someone else
he doesn’t care about me
I am getting abandoned (again)
I can’t handle this
I am completely, fundamentally, alone

I slept horribly that night.

The next day, this man did indeed let me know that he had been with someone else and spent the night with her.

We had no agreement, rules, plans, expectations or conditions for this “relationship”. I couldn’t even say it WAS a relationship.

And yet….I felt nauseated, grief-stricken, exhausted and disappointed to a depth I could hardly fathom.

I also knew how to do The Work and question my thinking, and enlist support to do so.

I called in sick to my job, called up one of my dearest friends who facilitated The Work, and asked for her to facilitate me. I also arranged for 3 other people to facilitate me every two hours for that entire day.

I got to work. I wanted to know the truth for myself. I didn’t understand why my pain was so deep, despairing and intense.

Is it true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else?

Yes, yes, yes. I felt like sobbing, I was so disappointed.

But could I absolutely know that it was true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else? That he should have called me sooner? That he should have told me he was interested in other people?

No. I can see how I wanted the world to line up so that I wouldn’t be sad, upset, or rejected. Ever.

And I could not absolutely know what was right for me, what was best for my future. I could not know what was best for him, or for his life. I couldn’t even know that him spending a weekend doing whatever he wanted to do MEANT that he was rejecting me, that he didn’t care about me, or that I couldn’t handle it.

I mean…jeez. I had so much wrapped up in his behavior and how BAD it was for me…but I had no idea that it WAS bad for me, really.

So I didn’t know if it was true that he shouldn’t have done that.

How did I react?

Like it was the worst thing ever. Like I got punched in the stomach. I took it very, very personally.

Until I considered who I would be without the thought that he shouldn’t have spent his weekend the way he did?

Without the thought?

Holy Moly! I was sooooo free. Open, curious about whatever was next. Ready to see what happened. Clear. Noticing what works for me, and what doesn’t. Noticing my preferences with joy. Happy for him.

Excited.

I turned the thought around “he should have been with someone else this weekend”.

I got to become aware of my mind that was so damn sure I was being abandoned, not cared about, unable to handle this, and deeply, fundamentally alone.

I am set free, I am cared for and loved, I can handle this, I am not alone.

Could all these things be as true, or truer?

Yes.

In those moments of doing The Work, I was sharing intimately with the most fabulous people, I was handling my situation very well indeed, (I was surviving it for sure), I loved myself with all my heart, I had the beauty of silence and a sense of magical energy all around me, full of possibility.

If you’ve ever felt the fear and pain in heartbreak, I hope you can find this also to be true: everything is waiting for you.

The books, the dresser, the silence, the faucet with water pouring out, the telephone with friends asking powerful questions through it, The Work, the bathtub, the tea cup, the wooden floor, the roof, the air all around….

….the future is waiting for you.

That should have happened.

Because look what is here all around me, in this present moment.

Heaven.

Everything is Waiting for You

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

— David Whyte

Much love, Grace

July 16, 2013

Question Your Love Story, Discover Stillness

I was having a gentle walk last weekend in the sunny afternoon, green summer leaves swishing above, when I passed an outdoor cafe and suddenly a huge rush of adrenaline zapped through me, like a lazer beam of energy aimed for the heart.

I thought I saw an old boyfriend, sitting in a chair, facing away from me. The hair was almost exactly the same. I had to stare as I walked by, checking to see “is that him?”

Now why the heck did that produce a shot of adrenaline like I saw a house explode into fire all of the sudden?

I mean really, I thought (as I felt my facing heart slowing down).

Isn’t this a bit dramatic of a reaction?

But sometimes… BAM…there is a cascade of beliefs all at once, all stuck to each other like velcro, that show up and it only takes the mind 2 seconds to compute and execute.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Oh. Not him. Wow, that really looked like him. (Turn back and check again). No, definitely not him. What would he be doing up here? But it’s not him. So that wouldn’t happen. Not him.

And then the next ten minutes were spent remembering, seeing images zip through the mind.

It’s like the Mind is dressed up in a business suit, with a huge deck of cards. On each card is a moving picture (idea stolen from Harry Potter stories) with moments from MY LIFE.

This corporate-looking business man (the mind thinks of itself with such importance doesn’t it?) is throwing down one card after the next after the next, saying “here, remember THAT moment? what about this one? oooh, that was a particularly gruelling moment, oh and that one was pretty good, and this one was absolutely horrendous, oh, and when he said that…”

All with that person!

Who wasn’t even actually here.

Talk about stories. JEEZ!

Now, before inquiry, I would have made a lot of effort to forget about that guy. Or say something under my breath like “wanka!”

And I might feel slightly anxious off and on for the rest of the day, or look over my shoulder sometimes.

Maybe I’d even think about doing something comforting, like eating ice cream or drinking a beer (as if those worked).

The thing that’s wonderful about self-inquiry is maybe escapist thoughts still pass through my mind, but they don’t feel very serious.

The more interesting thoughts are the ones that created the fear energy through the system. I love finding out what those are, writing them down, using this as an educational, adventurous moment.

Let’s see, if I really let it rip, childish, petty, judgmental, honest….this is what my thinking looked like, slowed way down into a list:

he hates me
he wants to hurt me
he was hurt by ME
he didn’t understand me
he thought I was mean, judgmental, critical and closed
he was lying, selfish, weak, rude
connecting him was not, is not, and will not be safe

I had to chuckle when I asked myself “what’s the worst that could happen?”

I had the image of this old boyfriend jumping up and screaming and running after me down the street yelling “you witch! get away from me! you ruined my life!”

Did I mention that the mind can be a real Drama Queen?

So if that DID happen….would it really be unmanageable, horrible, unsafe?

Am I SURE he wants to hurt me, he was hurt by me, he hates me, and he thinks of me as a terrible person?

No. Not at all.

I turn these thoughts around and find my own very stressful thoughts….about ME…are the ones that really hurt.

I hated myself (in the way I was with him)—true, I was dishonest, nervous, and always worried about his feelings and not mine
I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to hurt myself—both true, I felt defensive, I attacked, I was always looking at the world like it wasn’t good enough, and neither was I
he was healed by me, I was healed by him—could be just as possible, there was a lot of love expressed between us
he did understand me, I didn’t understand myself—both true
I thought of myself as mean, judgmental, critical and closed—that’s for sure! And yes, he also thought of me as kind, accepting, discerning and open
I was totally lying, selfish, weak and rude—um, yeah, that was true. And, he told the truth, was generous, strong and nice.
connecting with him was completely safe, is currently safe (in this moment of thinking about him even) and will always be safe in the future—yes, true.

I realize there is nothing dangerous in the memories, the feelings that welled up, the images that passed through my mind, the story.

It’s just a story.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be cause by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie

Later, after inquiring and looking and wondering….I notice I feel much calmer, more neutral when I think of that man.

I think of him as a character in a great and profound epic story…he actually had a pretty dang short part, truth be told. But an important one.

“For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Love flourishes with every moment, whether another human is here, or not here, or memories are present, or not present, whether I am “with” a person or not “with” a person….all shining under the story.

Who would you be without your former love story?

Love, Grace

June 19, 2013

Stepping Backwards When A Relationship Ends

When I was traveling half way around the world recently with my beloved partner, after almost three weeks of 24/7 time together….at one point I thought suddenly “it’s easier to be single”.

So many advantages, for an introvert like me. Although I couldn’t believe the thought for more than 15 seconds.

But there was a flash, a vision of the benefits, all in an instant. Quiet, silence, space, no deciding what we’re doing next, no talking….fortunately, all I needed to do was to say “could we have no talking?” and my husband lovingly agreed.

And it was really hilarious that I even jumped to that thought in the first place, because I used to think the opposite: “it’s better to be partnered.”

The belief that it’s better to be in partnership, dating, have a girlfriend or boyfriend is really common. And often stressful.

“I can’t get what I really want, need, desire, enjoy…unless I have a partner”.

Many people are single when they say or think this thought. At least, I said it when I myself was single.

I would be having a wonderful time, and then have the thought “this would be BETTER if I had a partner here with me!”

Now, I’m not saying that being married to the amazing and sweet man I am married to is difficult. It is, in fact, the easiest, most kind, loving, simple relationship I’ve ever known.

But I swear….it seems like this current relationship appeared when I came to stand in a place where I really did not care if I ever got married again. Or care if I ever lived with anyone again. Or care if I was “in a relationship” again.

I did The Work a LOT on relationships….especially after my first marriage of 15 years ended.

Fortunately, I had The Work.

Fortunately, I stopped “trying” to go get something different. I stopped trying to move forward into that new state of relationship that would be better.

I stopped, and questioned my thinking.

When a relationship “ends” (we’ll talk about what that means in a minute) then it is very common for human beings to feel a great variety of feelings…feelings that HURT!!

I was not only hurting, I felt physically sick. I could not sleep well, I had a low-level anxiety running at all times, and my future looked bleak.

I thought that “ending” meant a lot of things. BAD THINGS.

My thoughts about myself were the most excruciating. They went something like this:

I am worthy of being broken up with
if I was good enough, this wouldn’t be happening
I can’t make it financially on my own
I can’t handle house repairs or car repairs by myself
My life will never be the same, it is over
I will never risk being this hurt again
The rest of my life, I will be lonely
I need someone else to pow-wow with, to converse with, to be intimate with emotionally and physically

As I looked at the beliefs and the whole system of thinking about Relationships: The Pros and The Cons.…I realized that many of the primary core beliefs broke apart and didn’t even make sense once I began to investigate them.

Could I really know that it was true, that this relationship “ending” meant that I wasn’t good enough? That if someone was breaking up with me, it meant BAD THINGS about me?

Could I really know that I couldn’t make it financially on my own? Or handle daily life tasks?

Was it really true that my life changing drastically was a TERRIBLE thing?

Was I really, really, really as hurt as I thought I was? Or lonely?

Was I SURE I could only get the intimacy I craved from a primary relationship?

No! I had no idea, really, that what was happening was a dreadful, horrible, terrible thing.

When I believed that it was a bad thing….life was rough. I was scared, confused, closed, nervous, and unhappy. I wasn’t interested in other people, or I was TOO interested in people who actually did NOT REALLY interest me. A knot of tension and dishonesty.

And then I asked the amazing question….“who would I be without the thought that breaking up or ending a relationship is a bad thing”?

What if it was a good thing?

“How do I know I don’t need a boyfriend? Simple: I don’t have one. ” ~ Byron Katie

Ending an important relationship brings so much opportunity to question stress and pain…I found the turnarounds to be amazingly true.

A relationship ending could give you the opportunity to enjoy your own company, to enjoy yourself as worthy, to notice how you are good enough, to make it financially on your own, to handle house and car repairs yourself, to notice life was already not ever going to be the same (always changing), to laugh, to see how intimate you can be with anyone, in every way.

I mean, you could ROCK, without needing anyone!

And here’s the funniest thing of all: the relationship didn’t actually “end”.

There is communication, conversation, ideas, response, memories, laughing….they continue.

Even my father, who is long gone, I can remember, think about, talk to…it did not “end”.

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

I say, question your thinking, change everything you know about relationships.

It’s worth it.

And if I can do it….lordy…you can do it too.

Much Love, Grace

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December 21, 2012

That Mean Nasty Person Cut Me Off

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A most sweet client recently came to me with concern for the way someone really close to her had cut her off.

Oh boy…one of my favorite repetitive beliefs. I could relate! I may have mentioned this once or twice before. But there was an interesting new little piece of the puzzle that I noticed more clearly.

The belief that SINCE that person was CAPABLE of distancing, getting mad, cutting me off, going silent, running away, ending the relationship, banishing me…..IT MEANS THAT:

he is mean and nasty
they are stupid, immature, vindictive, wrong, ill, crazy, harsh, hard
he is not loving
she is a terrible person
she is too much of a scaredy cat
she must not have really loved me
I can’t forgive that person
good riddance!

Oopsy Daisy. Unfortunately, this kind of attack-mode can use up a lot of energy mentally and emotionally.

And no one likes being mad at someone else. Just about EVERYONE, if given a choice between hating someone and feeling love and forgiveness towards them will always choose love and forgiveness.

People really are amazing at the core.

So as we looked at the whole set up together, this honest woman and I, she could find how even though the person in question no longer has cut her off (always good to notice) she thinks of how he was capable of it before. How all that time passed without contact.

And she feels sad, and angry, and maybe other feelings as well. Not exactly happy, relaxed, gentle feelings. Not stress-free.

When we get hurt, sometimes it stings for awhile. Sometimes it stings for YEARS. That’s the way of the mind when we don’t investigate the situation.

Is it really, actually 100% true that the person who cut you off is unloving? Are they really too harsh? Given who they are, and what their whole life experience has been….can you know it’s true that they should be different?

Are you sure it would be better if they stuck around?

What if this is like “It’s A Wonderful Life” only in reverse? The thing that is wanted is for the person to be close, connected, around, present. But what happened in reality is the person is distant, absent, gone, bye-bye.

Maybe the way the movie would play out, if the person STAYED, is NOT SO GOOD. Maybe all kinds of totally and completely unforeseen things would play out, if they were present.

Maybe they needed to be gone, for that period of time. Maybe that was just what the doctor ordered, for you. Your path. Your freedom.

How is it OK that this person acted like that? How was it actually, dare I say it, LOVING that they exited out, cut you off, said *NO CONTACT* in that tone of voice?

When my former husband moved out….I started doing The Work as if my life depended on it.

It did.

Because being able to feel trust, acceptance and love was what I wanted most. What all of us want most.

When he left, I could ask myself how this might be a friendly situation? How could this bring me new possibilities? What if this is my ticket to God? What if THIS was my path to peace?

Would I take it away?

Sometimes you don’t know right away what the positive is. Sometimes you don’t know why that person is gone, how that could be good for you.

Or why that job is gone, the money is gone, the time has run out, your health is not good, the day is over, or the birds flew away.

But you don’t have to know.

Examples of how it is true that it is a good thing that the person left when they did (and maybe returned again later) will come to you, if you’re open to it.

“Every single human being is trying his best. We’re all doing the best we can. But when we believe what we think, we have to live out those thoughts. When there’s chaos in our heads, there’s chaos in our lives. when there’s hurt in our thinking, there’s hurt in our lives. Love thy neighbor as thyself? I always have. When I hated me, I hated you. That’s how it works. If I hate someone, I’m mistaking them for me, and solutions remain hidden.”~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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November 21, 2012

When You Can’t Stand Losing

Winning and Losing. People get soooo excited about these things. You may have noticed.

They scream and yell, paint their faces, don unusual clothing, carry weapons, train their bodies for hours, weeks, and years, lie, hide, cheat, defend, gather, get, hoard, sell, buy, strut, disappear….all in the effort to meet their future goal: winning or losing.

It seems like people usually like to “win”. But the very definition of the word, and its origin in English, means to toil, struggle, strive or fight. To succeed by struggling. There has to be a contest! There has to be some kind of opponent!

Otherwise….yawn.

Then there is losing. No one wants to be the loser on first glance.

Given a second look, sometimes there are big advantages. In the dictionary, lose means to perish or separate, cut apart, divide, untie, to part with accidentally or without meaning or trying to.

When we say we lost or we won something, the feeling that follows is really the thing that indicates what we believe about this loss or win.

Yay! I won! Boo! I lost!

When I began to do The Work, one wonderful thing I realized that the feelings I had about everything were such excellent clues, pointing to where I believed something was “good” or “bad”.

Today I lost my cell phone. BOOOOOO!

As I looked in all the usual places I started banging around the house. I KNOW IT’S HERE. How can it have disappeared? It was just in my hand 15 minutes ago! For cryin’ out loud!!

Hmmm, do we have a little frustration entering the scene?

The first utterance about Truth
Is the first step
Down the path of deceit.
~ Ram Tzu in No Way

Here is something misplaced, an object that seems like it is usually HERE, and now it’s NOT. So simple, so non-emergency, really not that important…and yet a little fire has come into the picture.

Even on this small scale, the thought is still present “the thing I am thinking about should be here, it is not, and I don’t like it.”

True? YES! What do you mean “is it true?!” Of course it is true!

That is exactly how I was behaving. Within maybe 10 seconds of not seeing the phone anywhere, in any of the usual places.

It is true and it sucks. It is true and this is NOT good. This is NOT convenient. This is NOT smooth. This is NOT peaceful. I demand the phone show up immediately!!

Full Stop. Um. Could this be a little stressy moment?

I notice today that I never find the phone (yet). But with self-inquiry…the reaction dissolves itself practically moments after it was arising. OK OK, an HOUR after it was arising!

Do I actually need the phone? Do I need to find those photos? Can I live without that file, those papers, my wallet, that dish, my water bottle, that earring?

How about not just living without it…but living joyfully without it. Everything still convenient, smooth, good, peaceful. What if this is funny…because something seems funny about all this now.

What could be the good news about losing my phone?

Today, I had two full hours in between clients where instead of making any return calls or texting or listening to messages or checking emails….I had a huge personal planning session for my upcoming year.

I went to a little cafe with my laptop that I haven’t been to in ages, to sit. Without a phone.

I took final notes on a new teleclass I’m ALMOST about to offer (I know some of you have been waiting) on Pain, Sickness and Death. I wrote for 30 minutes on my book I’m writing on recovering from an eating disorder. I wrote down six unfinished things that I know will be possible and fun to complete this week.

I find that each time I see the goodness, the advantage, and the peace in things going the way they do…I notice I’m….happy. Kind of simple.

Who am I without the thought that I need to feel a certain way about losing ANYTHING?

Without losing being so harsh…winning also is more mysterious. Who knows if it’s really good today. Maybe winning, whatever it is, is more normal and not so hyped up or over-the-top or exhilarating as its cracked up to be.

You may have to think for a minute to find examples of why the way it’s going is OK. You may have to be open to finding out later, that these examples will come to you at a future time.

There may be some other reason I don’t even know yet, that I’m not aware of, that what I’ve lost is good.

Not just a phone….but a marriage, my childhood, my big house, a pregnancy, my bank account, a client, part of my leg, old photos.

“Not wanting to change what is, is a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom.”~Byron Katie

Any tiny moment where I think I have deprivation, loss….could it be that there is something gained, even as that thing is disappearing?

Could the universe be friendly?

Love, Grace