If you missed my interview with certified facilitator of The Work, Celeste Gabrielle, head to my youtube channel and watch HERE.(There are more and more interviews around self-inquiry added over time, and I might get better at making videos too, who knows.)
For me it is profoundly inspiring to find out the personal stories of people, just like you and me, who found self-inquiry in the form of The Work of Byron Katie and/or other inquiry, and how it changed their lives and brought awakening to their world.
Regular peeps.
This “work” of self-inquiry….it’s called “work” because it kinda is, right?
You direct your attention, you focus, you return to the questions, you go out and in like breath, you get a light-bulb that goes off, you’re inspired, you wonder, your mind works and buzzes, you behave differently, you speak or don’t speak in new ways, you feel different….
….it’s so exciting.
The gears start, and keep going.
No longer stuck. No longer repeating the exact same thoughts over and over and over again.
You actually move on to the next stressful thought ready for inquiry, maybe you rotate back to a similar situation but find yourself acting different this time—just a wee bit.
That tiny difference makes a huge difference….
….like the butterfly wings flapping on the other side of Figi or whatever make a storm occur weeks later on the other side of the planet.
Movement, insight, and joy happen.
Or, it’s discovered that it was there all along, we just didn’t see it until we looked more closely.
The thing I love most about The Work and simply contemplating magnificent questions about life and my perceptions of it….
….is that it doesn’t take me doing years and years of therapy, it doesn’t take finding a perfect guru, it doesn’t take money, it doesn’t take death, it doesn’t take finding true love, it doesn’t take having a healthy body…..
…..it takes whatever it takes.
All these things are amazing, and some of them are indeed part of the journey for some people.
But there are no absolutes, and nothing is required.
Your life will show you what to question.
All you have to do (and it’s not even a “have to” really) is answer the simple questions.
Your life, and your inner brilliant wise silence, will show you how to answer.
And oh so wonderful to hear other people’s adventures along this path called life!
They help us connect and turn us back to our own journeys….
….and how we are all one and the same, with apparently different details, flavors, colors, and incidents.
How has self-inquiry helped you along your life path?
I’d love to know!
Leave a comment below or you can also leave a comment when you watch on youtube in the comments section. It’s so much fun to share. And it may mean more than you know for someone else.
Your life matters.
Because.
“What would it be like if you didn’t need to struggle, if you didn’t need to make an effort to find peace and happiness? What would that feel like now? And just take a moment to be quiet and see if peace or stillness is with you in this moment.” ~ Adyashanti
Recently I received an email letter from someone that is not uncommon.
She wrote about how she tried to do The Work on her own, but somehow, she wound up going in circles or not staying right on track, getting lost in some of the stories and pictures formed in her mind around these constricting, stressful experiences.
It does appear difficult to do The Work with yourself at times. It’s like doing it in a vacuum, me-myself-and-I all here together making comments, and no WISE person in sight.
I remembered how when I first tried to do The Work. Even though I had read the book Loving What Is, which explains the entire process and even has examples of Byron Katie doing it with people on all kinds of topics…..
…..when I got to the very first question, I was slightly stumped.
Is it true?
Wait. What does that actually even mean?
It seems true.
What a crazy, unusual, bizarre, challenging question.
The other questions seemed even stranger.
Especially the fourth question….who would I be without my thought?
I could hardly imagine it!
At least that’s what I told myself.
What I didn’t realize, was that it would be much easier than I knew.
It is for you too!!
I thought I’d share an exercise you can try, if you find questioning your beliefs tricky, confusing, or you don’t experience much in the way of insight or a more open mind (not that we’re *trying* to get anywhere specific with this work).
It begins with dropping the belief that there is no wise person in sight, when it comes to your own investigation.
What if there was?
What if there is some incredibly wise, open, unattached voice inside of you, who can answer these questions?
Here’s how you can access that voice:
When a question is offered, get up a change the seat your sitting in, or move over from where you are standing, just make a shift.
Take on the voice of the one who can answer with a bigger view, an aware view.
Now answer from that perspective, like you are channeling that expanded voice.
Neal Donald Walsh did this when he had his conversations with God. I have participants do this exercise in retreats sometimes.
People become shocked, over and over again, that they can even do this exercise. They are surprised with their answers and how revealing, how loving, and how caring they are. These answers come out of them! They are accessing some different place, that moments ago they didn’t see!
Someplace different than their world of “little me” who is a victim, frightened, desperate, or angry.
You can do this.
It’s not as difficult as you think.
“It’s so easy not to pay attention to it, because it’s not noisy and it’s not clamoring for attention like all the other aspects of the human mind. Egoic consciousness is always pretending to be the most important thing that is happening…..And right in the midst of all that, there is a presence, there is an awareness, an unconditioned awareness, an unconditioned consciousness. Right in the middle of this conditioned mind, conditioned consciousness, is this shining, unconditioned essence. Essence doesn’t mean a little part hidden somewhere in us, the little teeny kernel of essence. Essence means the totality, the whole thing. Essence means the truth of you as opposed to the untruth of you.” ~ Adyashanti
You are all of this, incredible.
Even if you think it’s difficult to find answers in self-inquiry, even if you think you don’t have them.
It’s 2 months until I offer the three-day Eating Peace workshop in Seattle February 6-8, 2015. It’s really happening. People are buying their plane tickets to come stay. People are already enrolled.
Love yourself, love your eating, love your body–the truth of who you really are
And I have a confession to make.
Last year’s Eating Peace weekend (I called it Horrible Food Wonderful Food) had three people.
My confession?
I had a push-pull love-hate not-sure feeling about marketing, promoting, even offering the event.
Who am I to help people address such a deep, anxiety-ridden, frustrating issue? An issue that lasts and lasts for people, year after year, maybe ever since they were a child?
How can I say “come for a weekend, and question your relationship with food and eating, for the better”?
And I realized in this one particular area, food and eating, so close to my heart since I had an eating disorder that almost cost me my life….
….that I still felt the power of the deep discouragement, the pain and suffering, the hopelessness other people experience around this topic.
I may have found personal freedom, but I wasn’t sure how to put it into words, or if I could really help anyone else.
At least that’s what I was thinking, and partly believing.
Last year, I took a very close look again after I successfully taught the workshop to the three wonderful people who attended, one of them via skype.
Why had I hardly said a word about offering the weekend? Why had I not posted it in the usual online places? Or mentioned it to my peeps locally? Or made flyers, or announcements, or even spent time creating it as an official “event” on facebook?
I kind of half-whispered that it was happening and secretly thought….no problem if it’s canceled if no one shows up.
Several brave souls DID sign up.
They called me on it, without knowing they were doing it. One person drove from another city to be here.
I had to step up to the plate.
I could have said no. I could have backed out. I could have continued to avoid being in this role, and stop trying.
I took it to the mat. I did The Work.
My mind had been keeping me in flip-flop mode.
This happens in tons of areas for humans. Not just offering workshops, teaching material, sharing yourself, being vulnerable, wanting to be of service, creating something new.
People flip-flop about relationships, where they’re living, jobs, schools, all kinds of “decisions”.
Here were my concerns:
This is a huge big issue, with medical and physical impact. People get upset about their food…they are challenged, despondent, outraged, furious. Even brilliant people who are very well-read, have researched this topic endlessly, and tried many solutions.
This concern is dark, frightening, powerful, addictive.
Some people might die of it, there are no guarantees for healing.
Many people won’t relax and question their stories. Period.
I don’t have all the answers……
….Eeeeeeek! I’m scared!
Maybe you’ve had this kind of experience around doing something new.
You are drawn towards something, you’ve learned something magnificent, you want to learn more, you’re challenged.
Who would you be without the belief you can’t be of service? Who would you be without the belief you need to have all the answers? Who would you be without the belief that your life experience won’t benefit others if they hear your story?
Who would you be without the belief you could make a mistake?
What I know is, I feel a persistent call to serve. I used to be so different in this department called eating. I feel so simply free now.
How could I sit back and stop sharing when people ask me questions? Everyone can have this freedom, I know it.
Yes, thinking about food is a deep, dark, powerful, unsettling process.
Yes, eating out of balance appears to depress people, kill people, make their lives miserable, and they do it anyway.
What if all those people who helped me when I was suicidal and struggling and seeing no future or believing I could never change said to me…..
…..”Yeah, I think you’re right. Why bother trying to heal from eating issues? You should just give up.”
They didn’t.
I didn’t either.
I turned my thoughts around about working with people who want to explore their troubled relationship with food and eating.
They are coming along to be of service to me.
Everyone who shows up, writes to me, or has questions is all a part of a great and wonderful path.
I may not be the one to give everyone what they need, that’s very normal. Each of us needs to discover the right ingredients, in the right timing, at the right temperature….and exchange insights with others in the way they’re moved.
But I AM going to offer an absolutely awesome workshop, for three full days with an incredible group. We’re going to have an amazing time.
To read about the details of the Eating Peace workshop cost, food, logistics and accommodations, click here (you can also register).
We’ll be meeting February 6-8, 2015 in north Seattle near my home.
And even if this is not your topic, and you’ll never take a workshop on eating issues of any kind, but you’re agonizing over something really troubling….
….everything is working itself out just right.
You have what it takes to end your struggle. You don’t have to suffer. You can put yourself out there, with pure honesty.
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
Question your thinking, be your honest self from the inside out, right now.
Maybe you can learn something about yourself by working with only one person, maybe you need a small crowd, maybe you need an audience of 500, or no one at all but you.
It all comes down to the same thing in the end.
Ha ha!
“To be here, all you have to do is let go of who you think you are. That’s all! And then you realize, “I’m here.” Here is where thoughts aren’t believed. Every time you come here, you are nothing. Radiantly nothing. Absolutely and eternally zero.” ~ Adyashanti
Recently on retreat with about 400 people and the great teacher Adyashanti, our evenings were open to what is called satsang.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term satsang, it’s a gathering for having a spiritual conversation, to ask questions of a teacher, to hear answers about sacred matters of any kind. Everyone present gets to listen to the interactions.
You learn a ton when listening to other people ask their questions, tell their stories, and hear the conversations they have. Just like many classrooms of all kinds. This has always been a component of many educational gatherings. I’ve always loved listening to the crazy and wonderful things people ask, since I was a kid.
The first night, every so often I’d say inside my head “raise your hand”.
That voice is such a pest sometimes, you know?
“Awwww, come on! You flew on an airplane to be here, now raise your hand! You have questions! Pick one and ask it!”
I noticed how that voice had it’s usual edgy tone, but the thing is, it appears I let that voice be there now instead of trying to hammer it away.
I also noticed, no hand connected to me got raised.
Hilarious, really.
I listened intently to the others. I had the thought “Well, it’s fine if I don’t ask a question. This is fine the way it is. I’m still basking in this incredible wisdom. I’m good. What-ev.”
The next night, the same thing happened. Little voice talking, no hand raised.
Well, OK, at the end of the night at the last second, a meek half-up hand almost like I’m embarrassed or something. Of course not called on. Goofy.
(But there really are a lot of people. Is this really necessary? You’ll probably get all you need, and more, if you just sit here and listen. I mean, for gawd sakes you don’t have to go to the mic every time. Stop with the ideas about speaking up! NOT NECESSARY!)
Out walking on the third day, before satsang, along the blustery beach wearing my down jacket, I had more of a real conversation besides all the bossing around….
…..Ahhhh….that’s more like it.
More friendly.
What questions do I have, really? What would I really, really like to ask? What if I had one shot at a question of this man’s wise soul I genuinely appreciate and respect?
I had so many questions I thought of, I didn’t land on any one. Too much pressure. Too much planning.
But I felt different as I entered the great hall that night.
I raised my hand. Like, real raising your hand, like you mean it. You aren’t waving around desperate or anything.
Just, bam.
Question. Here. Now. Hello.
Adya called on me.
I walked to the microphone.
“If you feel passionate, and speak up, take the risk to say what’s on your mind….how do you know when to stop? I mean, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Gandhi….those guys had a sudden ending because of speaking up, you know?”
And there I was *risking* speaking up, in my version of risk.
Which involved walking about twenty feet, talking into a microphone with a really, really amazing, peaceful and honest person, and then sitting down.
Except, I noticed I had no fear or heart thumping, so maybe all the supposed risk was in the advanced anticipation.
Adya pointed out how the people in history that I mentioned were playing on really huge, big stages in the story of humanity. They even seemed to know of the possible outcome, but said what they said anyway.
That was their life, not mine.
And he said I could question the concept of nervousness about speaking up. I could question whether I really WAS nervous. Could I be excited? Could I be energized, moved, inspired, passionate?
Do I really need to know when to stop? Do I even think about that before talking?
No.
The conversation was so very simple.
The idea was not new to me about questioning a feeling.
But I found, I felt more thrilled to be exactly who I am than ever. Whatever arises inside me, expressing it easily, naturally.
No one but me can do that.
And I do not need to know when to stop. Just like I didn’t know when to raise my hand clearly, until I did.
No one but YOU can express YOU.
Because you are here, being you, it is wonderful.
“Truth never explains why it’s moving that way at that moment. And if you ask, it won’t give any information. It would be like a leaf asking the wind, ‘Why are you moving that way right now?’ The question doesn’t make any sense to the wind.” ~ Adyashanti
One person just had to change her mini-retreat participation to next March 7th retreat instead. If you are inclined to come last minute, there is room for you. Emailing or texting will get the fastest response grace@workwithgrace.com. It’s in northeast Seattle from 1:30-5:30 pm.
*****
When you go to a workshop, a class, a training, a retreat, a temporary job assignment, even a vacation…
…there’s always a “before” and a “during” and an “after”.
The length of time is often known before you leave, you’re called to go somewhere for some reason (usually important) and you know when it’s over you’ll either return home or make a new decision as to what’s next.
Many of these kinds of times away fulfill our expectations. We have brochures. It’s in the job description. Our friends told us all about it.
Occasionally they’re disappointing or meh, or something unplanned and freaky happens.
Sometimes, they’re completely life-changing. As in, never to be the same again afterwards.
I just came away from a retreat that felt powerfully life-altering, with Adyashanti, the spiritual teacher who comes from a Zen Buddhist tradition but teaches to the general public.
It was so good for me, I’ll be telling you about several gems I received in the weeks ahead I am sure.
But I was thinking yesterday about what factors come together to promise a life-altering, life-changing experience.
This is the kind of “life-changing” that you plan for, save up for, invest time and energy in and choose.
Chosen experiences, if we’re lucky enough to get to be in a place and time and have the resources or the option to sign up for such a thing.
After contemplating this question of why and how an event becomes life-changing, I came up with…
…drum role…
…it depends.
There are too many unexpected, unexplainable factors at play.
There are no guarantees.
You may have a huge gut feeling that it’s the right thing, and it may or may not turn out that way. Other people you know may have loved their experience, but this doesn’t guarantee it’s going to hit the spot for you. The leader may have great integrity or personality, but it doesn’t mean you’ll be changed because of it. You may not be in the right mindset or right phase of life to need or get what’s being offered. It may not be your thing, your path.
The thing is, it’s a wide open unknown mystery.
You don’t really know until it’s over, and you’re living your new changed life.
And if you can’t head off to a retreat or workshop for really significant reasons (you can question them first, by the way, in case your reasons are stressful) then you know you don’t need it.
What I can share with you today, only twelve hours or so after returning home from six days away, is that during the retreat I cried, I laughed, and I spent many hours in complete silence. There was zero talking with anyone at any time, unless you had a question for Adya and you chose to go up to the microphone and converse with him in front of 400 other people (I did). Adya gave beautiful and meaningful talks, his heart is so big and wise.
I was very inspired.
I remembered how silence is a magical, deep, powerful, strict, high-standard teacher.
I felt how glorious it is to question thought constantly with humor, a practice for life.
I remembered how you can be in the presence of love anywhere, any time.
You don’t really need a retreat. You don’t have to have a special teacher. You have it in you right now, this moment, while you’re reading this.
Some of us apparently need to get on airplanes and stop regular everyday life and enroll with a teacher of wisdom, but it’s not required.
Not for you, if you weren’t there.
You are in the perfect place for whatever you need.
“I welcome you into the ever-continuing retreat called this life.” ~ Adyashanti
The other day I got a wonderful letter, full of a really interesting core question, from an inquirer.
She said she felt more confused right now after doing The Work.
More lost, stuck and unable to move.
I had to find out more….and this news wasn’t that surprising.
About two years into my own process of doing The Work something happened inside me around this very idea of feeling trapped and passive when I turned my thoughts around into opposites.
One day, after doing The Work on a really, really, really difficult relationship I was in, I recognized a place inside me that was frightened and doing The Work with a motive.
What I mean by “motive” here is that I had an agenda, a plan for the outcome. I had thought I would do The Work, un-do my stress, and skip down the road happily with never a care in the world.
That person would no longer bother me, or frighten me, or hurt me.
But ah ha.
I have no idea why it happened, but I very suddenly “got” that I was acting like the battered women I used to puzzle over.
Why did they return, time and again, to the man who beat them up or almost killed them?
I went to a lecture once on domestic violence, and as the very wise and experienced psychotherapist spoke it occurred to me that the people who were battered and abused repeatedly were living in “hope” reality mixed with a cup or two of “I-must-be-positive-and-forgiving” inner dictatorship.
It wasn’t conscious, but it was deep.
It was believed so deeply because, without the belief that someone might change, without “hope”, the believer could be devastated, lost, crushed with the weight of the depressing truth.
I will smile and spread sunshine and lollipops and rainbows instead. And my boyfriend will get better and change.
Byron Katie herself helped me immensely on this. I told her I was doing The Work over and over again on the same very difficult, mad person.
She said….”How do you know you’re supposed to be angry?! YOU ARE!”
Oh.
Jeez.
I am ANGRY. I am STUCK. I am FRUSTRATED.
Duh!
Who would I be without the secret inner belief that I should be different, have different happy, detached feelings, and keep trying to “fix” myself or my environment or others when doing The Work?
I could have quit doing The Work right then. I could have given up and thought that questioning my mind was a waste of time, and didn’t lead me to the place I really wanted to be.
But instead it dawned on me that I could keep asking myself what was real, what was true (in fact I couldn’t have given up, I couldn’t have stopped asking).
I could find out what beliefs kept me feeling trapped, what prevented me from acting (if I was drawn to take action) or what prevented me from dropping the need to spend time with an addict boyfriend?
Why not break up and drop those conversations?
Why not find a new career and start earning money?
Why not get married?
Why not raise your hand and share in front of an entire audience?
Why not start your own business?
Why not start a free-form crazy dance-however-you-want event in Seattle and keep holding it even if at the beginning, only a few people show up?
Why not quit the daily rigid meditation routine (it served for a very, very long time) if there is no right or wrong, and I’m free?
Why not say NO?
What is freedom?
I started to refine, without trying so hard to do it, the thoughts I was questioning….to find out what was actually true for me.
That is, in the end, what doing The Work is for.
You.
If there are turnarounds that don’t feel right, if there are turnarounds that create depression, unhappiness, more confusion…then find out what’s right for you.
No need to dump everything you’ve ever done so far, unless you do.
“What is this inner revolution? To begin with, revolution is not static; it is alive, ongoing, and continuous. It cannot be grasped or made to fit into any conceptual model. Nor is there any path to this inner revolution, for it is neither predictable nor controllable and has a life all its own. This revolution is a breaking away from the old, repetitive, dead structures of thought and perception that humanity finds itself trapped in…Such a revolution requires an ongoing emptying out of the old structures of consciousness and the birth of a living and fluid intelligence. This intelligence restructures your entire being-body, mind, and perception. This intelligence cuts the mind free of its old structures that are rooted within the totality of human consciousness. If one cannot become free of the old conditioned structures of human consciousness, then one is still in a prison.” ~ Adyashanti
This is an ongoing process.
What I notice is I return to The Work continuously. I love the question “is it true?” and I love trying on turnarounds.
I love realizing I am the only one who can answer these questions, even if I love hearing from others what they get, what they have found, what they notice.
So much can happen in a split second inside the imagination.
Get this.
I’m in a long-hours retreat weekend for three full days, 10 am until 11 pm-ish every day. It’s got the schedule of a hard-core zen retreat. We stand up and stretch for one minute intervals, there are two thirty minute breaks and one 90 minute meal break.
The second evening….or I should call it NIGHT since it was 11:45 pm, I decide to call my husband, hours away, on his own separate personal growth type retreat with a small group and a familiar beloved teacher for him.
As I walk to my car, my workshop day over, glancing at my text messages, emails and incoming calls missed all day, before I dial, I consider the hour.
It’s a bit late.
He might already be sleeping. He might be sleeping with a roommate or others in ear shot of the phone. He might be out of cell range. I have no idea of his environment.
Just about midnight.
I fire up the car, get the ice scraper out, clear the windshield. I begin my own drive home (for my retreat, I’m sleeping at home every night). I decide to go ahead and dial, thinking if he’s not available I’ll leave a newsy message, the kind I love to get, and wait to connect with him when we see each other again in person in a few days.
Ring Ring Ring.
I hear fumbling, a small thumping sound. Silence.
I say “hello?” Then I hear nothing. I check the phone screen. Yes, I am connected. Someone has answered his phone.
I say again “hello?”
Nothing.
I wait. It seems like I hear some foot steps. I imagine him quickly trying to hold the phone in a muffled position, exiting a dark room full of sleeping people, or a late-night retreat session, or a deep after-retreat-hours conversation about what’s being learned or discussed.
I better not talk, in case there’s total silence wherever he is and my voice would penetrate the room, coming out of the phone!
I wait. But then I say again….”Hello?” kind of anxious.
The phone screen shows seconds ticking by.
Then I hang up, feeling a little embarrassed.
Not that he would ever get upset about being called in the middle of something important, he’s not the sort to blame that on me, or anyone else. He’d be quite exceptional that way, actually, trusting that whatever incoming noises, rings and beeps occurred were for some good reason. He’d probably be amused about whatever went on. One of the most accepting and easy-going people I know.
And yet still. I should have known it was too late.
Arggh.
I should have asked him if I could call. I shouldn’t have rung his phone.
I turn on the CD and listen to a great lecture where I left off last time I was in the car, and listen to it all the way home.
In the morning, I notice….oh. There’s a voicemail.
From my husband. One minute after I phoned him last night.
He’s cheerily saying “what’s up? I saw you called but couldn’t hear anything! Call me back if you want.”
My imagination had gone through visions in tiny sparky flashes of my call causing a ring causing a disturbance causing irritation. My mind’s idea of the scene even pictured a frantic run out of a dark room, throwing a loud ringing phone out a window (what were those bump noises anyway).
My mind had even flashed on someone ELSE picking up the phone and answering it, someone who happened to be near my husband’s phone.
All that….and fortunately no intensity going anywhere. I slept well. No biggie.
But the scenes were there, the thinking had been immediately busy.
In those kinds of moments when worry starts to tweak you with pictures or creative ideas about what’s happening…
…remember to ask if it’s true.
Because, in that moment, that question was alive and well. I knew I had no idea what was happening. The movie playing was even rather entertaining.
But this is not always the case.
If you believe your worries, they turn into anxieties, then fear, then terror, then you’re flooded and overwhelmed with terrified feelings, darkness and hell.
All from not remembering to wonder “is this vision true?”
Reality check.
Look around. Nothing is happening.
I dialed a number. The phone on the other end was answered, apparently. There was a little sound, then silence.
That’s what actually happened.
One of my favorite things to do after learning of my mind’s capacity for fear-compulsion-addiction is to check out if things are true that I imagined, that I “guessed” were true.
When I called him back, I shared with him what I was seeing in my mind during those 46 seconds.
He chuckled and said “not even close.”
“It is this very personal relationship with thought that is the cause of all the fear, ignorance, and suffering which characterizes the human condition, and which destroys the manifestation of true Love in this life. As long as your experience of self and life is defined by the mechanical, conditioned, and compulsive movement of thought, you are bound to a very, very limited perception of what is real….. …..Experience your eternalness, your holiness, your awakeness until you are convinced that you are never subject to the movement of thought, of fear, or of time. To be free of fear is to be full of Love.” ~ Adyashanti
Anyone can do this. You do not need to be special.
To be full of love, you need only to stop and see if what you are imagining is actually true.
See if there is something present besides thinking.
See if you are safe.
I don’t really know why and how my visions are created, and why so much believing, repeating thoughts, fixating on images and concepts has occurred in the past without questioning any of it.
One day, I found out about questioning what was real.
So now that I know about inquiry, now that I know to ask what is true….ahhhhhhh.
Drama, entertainment, and laughter for us all.
And lots of love.
You’re full of love, too. You might not see it if you’ve been scared, but I know it’s there.
Much love, Grace
P.S. There’s an opening in Year of Inquiry for our wonderful phone sessions. Gather with others and inquire every week via teleconference on a specific painful belief. Inquiry circle from anywhere in the world! Monthly fee, send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com for more information.
I was working with all the people enrolled in Relationship Hell to Heaven, and 8 week teleclass I teach, where we identify and question beliefs about those other people….
….especially the people we’ve been super close with.
Our topic for the class session was SHAME.
The exercise all the participants had for homework, to complete before the call, was to consider what you feel most embarrassed about, ashamed of, something you’d prefer to keep secret, when it comes to an important relationship in your life.
It didn’t have to be crazy intense disgusting, or mortifying.
It could be a small embarrassment, a wish that you had handled something differently or that you could take back the way it went down.
Rats. You want me to remember those situations?
Do I have to?
I immediately had three images of people come to mind, as the voices of these beautiful inquirers on the phone all spoke with honesty, and nervousness, in their voices.
Dang, that mind is so quick to remind me of what I consider “bad” behavior on my part, jeez!
There was one that was the worst.
I noticed the face of the person floating through my mind as these courageous inquirers answered the questions and shared their own truth, as they looked at this difficult situation they went through where they didn’t like the way they conducted themselves.
You could cut the harshness with a knife, it was so thick.
Self-criticism is intense, self-loathing vicious.
But then we looked at what we believed it meant, that this situation happened.
What was the conclusion, what did we think was true, what was so painful (besides the attack of the self)? What was the meaning we gave to that moment?
We spent some time looking at ourselves, and what we believed it meant about us that we had behaved that way….
….but THEN we looked at what it meant about the other person in that past encounter, when we thought things didn’t go so well, we didn’t act so smart, when we weren’t in our own integrity.
I wasn’t safe with them! I felt scared! He made me nervous! She made me anxious!
Let’s do The Work, just like our group did.
Is it really true that you were not safe in that situation, with that person? Even emotionally?
Are you sure?
Yes! Absolutely!
That person was pushy, grabby, leaving me, he didn’t care, she didn’t like me, he was critical, she was controlling, he was manipulative, she discounted me, he didn’t give a sh*t, she didn’t listen to me.
I was definitely not in safe territory, in their presence, in that situation.
How did you react when you believed that thought was absolutely true?
I pretended to be nice but did not speak my truth, I ran for dear life, I set rigid boundaries, I pushed him away, I avoided her, my whole body was tense, I couldn’t sleep later, I acted like it was OK when it wasn’t, I felt so sad, I ditched him, I talked about her with everyone I knew.
So who would you be without that thought that you were not safe with that person?
Like if you just pushed the pause button and froze that whole “unsafe” scene from the past and stared at the other person, stared at yourself, watched that past incident….
….without the belief in your mind that it was unsafe to be in that situation?
First, I notice I see him, doing what he did….and I feel the memory of adrenaline, even a touch of it right now, but I hold still, watching.
Without the thought that I’m not safe with that person, that it wasn’t a safe moment…
…I see nothing physically unsafe occurring.
Ha, that’s kinda funny.
I remember a gesture, him reaching out his hand, him saying some words, they were floating in the air. I heard them. Then I moved the way I did. We walked up a street. I got in my car. I drove away.
Nothing more.
No grabbing, no force, no violence. No danger.
As we did our work together in that group call, it suddenly occurred to one of the participants….
….wow, like, what is “safe” anyway?
Comfort? Relaxation? Calm? Security? Absence of dread, or images, or bad feelings? No possible imagined threat whatsoever?
And WHO is the one THINKING those threatening, alarming, worse-case scenario thoughts anyway? Who is imagining that situation was so unsafe, I freak myself out about it again even when all I’m doing is remembering the situation?
“I am not completely safe with my own mind!”
Could that be true, or truer?
“You must come out of hiding behind any superstitious beliefs and find the courage to question everything, otherwise you will continue to hold onto superstitions which distort your perception and expression of that which is only ever awake…You must want to know the truth more than you want to feel secure in order to fully awaken to the fact that you are nothing but Awakeness itself.” ~ Adyashanti
I look around and notice….how very safe I am.
Life buzzing in this body, happening now, and now, and now.
Much more than my little dramatic memories and movies playing in my head.
“The worst thing you’ll ever have to face in life is a thought, a sensation, an emotion, a sound, a smell, happening in THIS moment..” ~ Jeff Foster
There is something in here, in all of us, that is completely and totally safe.
Lately I’ve been communicating with quite a few people about urges, cravings, judgments and the experience of overeating, worrying about eating, drinking alcohol, spending too much money, over-indulging….
….feeling out of balance.
When you do something that actually hurts either you or someone else, most of us think about it afterwards. It doesn’t feel right. We mull it over, wonder what went on, analyze, consider.
This type of thinking sometimes ALSO doesn’t feel that good.
How did that happen? What’s WRONG with me?
I can’t believe I said that! I can’t believe I ate the whole thing! I can’t believe I smoked a cigarette, after all those months of quitting!
The problem with going over an incident again in your mind, afterwards, is it’s very tempting to take out a knife and stab yourself with it.
Here’s what I mean.
The other day, I was invited to a dinner with several people who are all peeps in this conference I’ve been attending in Arizona.
(I wrote all about it to the people interested in eating issues who are signed up to receive my Eating Peace notes, so I won’t tell the whole story again here).
It was a lively, jam-packed, upscale restaurant, full of voices, clinking glasses, twinkling candle lights. We sat at a big round table for six.
The kind and generous man who invited these friends was treating us all. He ordered all the food. Waiters were attentively moving around the table, bringing hors d’oeuvres, bread, special sauces, then filet mignon, pastas, greens, pork, then a huge table filled with carrot cake, puddings, delectable sweet delicacies. We had huge goblet wine glasses and everyone’s glass was filled constantly.
Strange, strange….for the first time in many years, I think, my stomach hurt badly afterwards. At first I thought it was fullness, but later in the night realized it was digestion trouble, as my stomach hurt even worse. I had also pushed my wine glass away, it suddenly felt like poison.
And then the harsh thoughts in the night….oh boy!
I shouldn’t have eaten that, I lost my presence, something went wrong, I’m stupid.
This is the normal douse of self-criticism most people give themselves after a difficult experience that feels confusing. It doesn’t even have to be about food, or drink, or smoking, or spending….
….you made a mistake. You screwed up. You broke a promise. You lashed out unkindly at someone and said a mean thing.
Killer Mean Voice enters on cue, ripping you to shreds.
Maybe an incident involved others, and you rip them to shreds in your mind as well.
But I knew, with the deeply discouraged feeling I had inside by the time morning came along, some powerful self-inquiry was in order.
The gentle, open-minded kind.
Not the kind that starts berating you, cutting you down, calling you names and screaming at you to fix your behavior NOW, or else.
As I got up after a very bad night’s sleep, I suddenly thought….
….how could it be useful and helpful that I had that experience with the dinner, that my stomach hurt so much? How can I be genuinely curious about that experience, rather than closed and upset?
Immediately, my body relaxed.
I knew what to do.
I asked myself “what do you need, right now in this moment, if you could have just exactly what you most wanted?”
Love.
Kindness.
The feeling of cradling myself in my own arms, and rocking myself like a sweet little baby.
I jumped on my bike that I had rented the afternoon before, and rode off for a long ride. I happened to take a route (the whole area was unknown to me) that led me to a canyon with magnificent red rocks, shadows and light, cool dark places and a trail that climbed steeply to the top of a great vista.
Even though I had been riding quite awhile, I followed all the Saturday morning people parking cars and gearing up with backpacks, locked up my bike, drank lots of delicious water from the water fountain, and headed up the trail.
All the while, inside, I allowed my mind to scan for what distracted me, what might have bothered me, what underlying thought or feeling deep inside was going on, that would create a moment where I would actually be uncomfortable physically from the food I ate and wine I sipped?
I had the thought…this is perfect that this happened.
How?
Well, one thing was it reminded me how I used to feel like this regularly. In my twenties my social drinking was always a whole night of staying up talking, and I had terrible binge-episodes (those were always alone).
I felt *HORRIBLE* and yet continued.
(Notice, the mean harsh voice didn’t actually change anything).
But, these experiences set me on a path to understand….to find peace.
As I hiked up the trail, watching the other people all about, surrounded by the beauty, I felt completely present.
I remembered, the inner self in this center has no judgment. It is not afraid, it is not critical, or hateful. It does not care what other people are thinking, it doesn’t care what other people are doing, or saying.
I had been in conference rooms, speaking with strain over very loud music, feeling separated, feeling uncertain about my own life, my thoughts, my direction. Not sure I fit in here.
That’s what had been happening, building. Many “you should do this” and “you shouldn’t do that” were entering my mind. I was believing them.
Who would I be without any of those thoughts?
Who would I be without demands, needing to make the conference I was attending successful (whatever that meant), who would I be without needing to change anything about myself?
I would be being. I would be here. Just here. Nothing more.
Nothing necessary, nothing to add, nothing to subtract.
Who would you be without the thought that you’ve done something wrong, when you’ve done something “off” like eat food that doesn’t feel good?
See if you can find that thought right now….you with no mistakes.
You may be surprised at this one tiny change this can make in your inner world….and then how that changes your outer life as well.
“It is Love that leads us beyond all fear and into the solitude of our being.” ~ Adyashanti
If you have done something uncomfortable for you, simply pause today and notice what you’re thinking that hurts.
Have you ever really wanted to know what someone thought of you, or what they thought of something you did, or something you said, or something you created?
Or have you noticed….maybe you’re afraid to find out?
Long ago when I was in a therapy support group, one of the principles for how everyone interacted was that you were supposed to tell the truth, give feedback, and if you had something that bugged you with someone else in the group…you had to clear it up before anything else happened in the group that session.
Woah. It was soooo scary to me.
We were even offered a script to follow when you had a “clearing”.
You began by saying “when you said/did/looked like x, what I thought it meant about me was ______.”
You then went on to find out if what you were thinking had any truth to it at all. You spoke from the heart, without demanding that anyone change. The other person listened, then got to respond.
It was like clouds had parted over a very dark sky.
If you’re disturbed by someone, you can SAY something!? Wow!!
Recently, I asked all the people who had ever taken my teleclasses or programs on food and eating to answer a few questions anonymously and tell me their thoughts.
Even though I knew about clearings from way back then in those groups, I wouldn’t have been able to ask for feedback in quite the same way only a few years ago….especially not before The Work.
I got to read the most amazing feedback.
There was a huge, big range of comments and experiences!
(Funny how it’s called “feedback” by the way…speaking of food issues).
Quite a few people felt a class or program changed their experience of food, eating, their body image, and gave them new ways to look at their relationship with food, or their appearance, that was never the same again….and they’ve been growing in this awareness ever since, doing inquiry and seeing what it’s like to question thought.
Some people said they can’t remember what the class content was like, but they know it made a positive difference and they continue to watch what they think and feel to see what’s really true.
Some people said they understood some new principles for themselves and get self-inquiry, but it hadn’t really sunk in, they still struggled on a daily basis with eating or self-criticism around their body.
And one person said it was a huge disappointment and nothingchanged for them.
Yikes!
This is so powerful, especially for this thing in life called honest contact with others.
But here’s what is different about reading all the feedback than how it used to be:
It inspired me!
For the participants who didn’t get everything they wanted, I knew that only 8 weeks of investigating thoughts and practicing inquiry wouldn’t really blow the lid off a whole lifetime of using food to feel better or alter feelings, and stop the insanity.
I knew I needed to offer more, to somehow get what I’ve learned out of my head and my heart into a format that works for everyone, or a big major percentage of the people for sure, not just for some.
Plus, I already know everyone’s got their own path to peace. I may or may not have anything to do with it.
Here’s a way you can use feedback to help you, rather than scare you, if you’ve gotten some that feels a little (or a lot) painful.
Identify what hurts the most. For me, the thing that popped out most was “huge disappointment”.
Then begin to see and feel what the inner voice has to say about this comment, what feels painful, what’s terrible about what you’ve heard.
I let someone down, I should have made a difference, I should have offered more, I can’t deliver the answers well enough, I don’t have answers for other people (and I should), I’ll never be successful in serving, my approach wasn’t good enough, it’s too hard to relay healing in this area, people are still suffering, my service is pointless, we’re all alone….
If you’ve ever failed, or had difficult feedback, notice what your mind says about it.
Is it true?
Yes. Failure. Over. Didn’t do well. Missed the mark.
People feel this way about so many relationships, not even just feedback that isn’t “good”.
Can you really know it’s true, though? Are you positively sure?
No.
Who would you be without the thought that you did it wrong, you were a huge disappointment, you weren’t good enough, what you’re doing is pointless, you aren’t successful, and you should have done it differently?
Eager to create more. Excited to see what happens next.
Noticing life went THAT way, not THIS way.
Watching people come and go, for all kinds of reasons.
What if the turnarounds were just as true, or even truer than the original thoughts the mind comes up with, about what feedback means?
I let myself down, I am making a difference, I should have offered more for my sake, I can deliver the answers (and questions) that I have, I shouldn’t have answers for other people, I am successful in serving, my approach was good enough, it’s easy to relay healing in this area, people are no longer suffering, my service is meaningful for me….
I love that it’s all a process and a journey. There is learning, growth, and a unique timeline for everyone.
“Surrender has been part of all forms of spirituality because it is a means and invitation to do something that almost everything in us is hooked up to NOT do…which is to let go. Failure is the means to success. That place where nothing works is the place where everything works….But as long as you’re running towards or away from something, you’re in the game of illusion.” ~ Adyashanti
Without the belief that I should have, I shouldn’t have, I can’t, I can, or anything else I think something means….I don’t know what anything means.
I look around at this beautiful day, I hear a low hum of silence, a small airplane in the distance, a mailbox opening in the neighborhood, I feel my feet against the floor, my lungs take a huge deep breath.
Anyone can have this. Right now. Anyone can stop, feel, wait, slow down.
Anyone can see what took them out of the present and into feeling hurt…and perhaps into eating or drinking or smoking or whatever it was.
