Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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When Some Urgency Comes About What’s Needed

So I’m riding my bike yesterday in the glorious spring afternoon, red tulips and yellow daffodils blooming in people’s gardens, the beautiful river I live near swirling slowly along with ducks floating and bright green grass on its banks.

This gorgeous bike trail is smooth pavement, winding between tall poplar trees in straight lines, then pine trees and back yards, then out in the open along the river again.

A whole system of thought enters.

What am I doing here.

Kinda like the opening of Birdman. 

Even though, when you think about it, I could be in a scene from a beautiful movie–and it’s where I actually live.

The thought started with something about the future, my youngest child leaving home in a year.

Mind running, as fast as this bike is moving.

I could hit the road and leave everything and everyone behind! Empty nest!

I could travel the world on a solo journey. I could go stay with Pema Chodron in her monastery for awhile. I could go to Bali and study some kind of exotic yoga. I could see weird and strange sights on this planet.

Let’s see….how much can I charge for rent for my cottage? I wonder what the neighbors pay for their home, I know they rent. I’ll copy that amount.

I really gotta get outta here, change it up, see the world.

I have limited time left. Things are declining body-wise. I’ll exit my primary relationship and ditch it all for a WalkAbout.

Ha ha!

Earlier in the very same day, I’m guiding people in the Desire Course to question what they think is the problem that comes between them and what they desire….and identify what they really want to feel.

Ooops, I almost forgot.

*Ping*!

Right there on the bicycle, seeing my shadow in the sun (wow!) watching a blue heron fly low and then land in the river, I notice who I would be without my thoughts of escape.

I chuckle, noticing how much I love that escape story.

That story where you change everything and everyone in your world and go on an adventure.

Don’t we love it? Bilbo Baggins takes off into the wild blue yonder.

But who would you be without that story (but only the parts where you think you’re trapped)?

Without the story that it’s required, in order to be happy?

It doesn’t mean I don’t go on adventures….it’s noticing I don’t have to. I’m not stuck. And this is it.

THIS is an adventure. Right here.

Even sitting writing this Grace Note, feeling the words pour forward, reflecting on how funny that thing was on the bike trail that went on an imaginary adventure away from the present moment.

Noticing I returned, I felt something watching and laughing at the mixture of ideas.

Coming back to the trail, the front bike wheel, the old woman with gray hair on her bicycle too, the eagle soaring above, the wind on my face, the man’s voice talking on his cell phone, twisting fast past the couple with the baby stroller, the thoughts swirling as much as the river, undulating and moving along, moving along.

Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley. 

Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars. 

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight. 

Be a conoisseur,
and taste with caution. 

Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest, 

the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about “what’s needed.” 

Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it’s been untied,

and is just ambling about.

~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Breitenbush Retreat June 24-28 is filling quickly and early bird rate ends April 30th. Being With Byron Katie retreat July 11-14 is also beginning to fill (we will all watch Katie together here in Seattle all the way from Switzerland via internet). Register for either one if you want to make sure you’ve got space, especially good accommodations. Visit www.workwithgrace.com to find more information about either one!

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Changing Your Beliefs About Your Failure

I’ll be doing a live google hangout on Sunday, April 19th at 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific Time. Come join me for a wonderful time–I can’t wait to meet you and support you in questioning your thoughts and lightening up your life. There is no charge for this event.

Join on April 19th by clicking HERE. You may want to make sure you have a google account (it’s free) to make access super easy.

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Have you ever noticed a whole belief system running in your mind that feels like a dark storm?

I can’t do it. I can’t make it. I failed. It’s over. This is terrible. I lost. It’s no use. I don’t know how. I’ll never get what I want.

Have you ever experienced a big blow in your life….

….or a series of disappointments….

….and found a voice in your head saying thoughts like these, maybe over and over again?

How do you feel about desiring things, moving towards something, having dreams and visions…..and maybe not achieving it, or getting to where you’d like to be?

Phew. It’s rough.

The thing is….

….you can question your thinking when it comes to “failure” and investigate to see if what’s going on in your mind is really, really true.

Questioning with an open, curious mind can bring you not just relief, but the incredible perspective of the turnarounds, and actually living with the OPPOSITE of what you’re thinking when you’re in that dark place.

Not long ago, an acquaintance of mine graduated from a program in mental health with her master’s degree. She had loved being in a high-level educational program, she was doing something she had dreamed of for years.

She rented an office downtown and hung her shingle up “Open For Business!”

And waited for new clients.

And waited.

And waited.

Then she had one person come, for two sessions. But the new client didn’t return.

She waited again.

So she gathered her forces together and advertised, made flyers, went to networking meetings and furiously applied her former PR skills to getting clients.

But things limped along, very slowly.

I offered to facilitate her in doing The Work, but she didn’t know me very well and said “no, I just need to hammer away at this.”

I couldn’t help notice the words “hammer away at this”.

It reminded me of myself, pushing hard, running hard, tackling something I wanted to gain with a lot of worry, energy and intensity.

Doing The Work can save a lot of time, energy, busy-ness and action.

Here’s how.

While this acquaintance didn’t choose to do The Work, like I said…..it reminded me of me.

First question: Is it true, what you’re thinking?

Oh. What did you say?

I was too busy ruminating, seeing pictures of terrible things happening, and feeling anxious.

What did you say again?

Oh! Is it TRUE?

Huh. Wow. Well, heck! Not really. I have no idea!

How do you react when you think these thoughts of failure? Even potential failure?

What does it feel like when you’re not getting where you want, what you want, who you want, or how you want it?

You may have the same reaction as the woman I mentioned…..you might hunker down and “hammer” away at the problem.

You might get really disciplined and full of striving and struggle and effort.

When I had no money left and watched my bank account empty and then go into debt, I began to react by thinking these same kinds of thoughts, and then I thought maybe its better to be dead.

Really, it was that harsh and black.

Then I did The Work, thank goodness!

So…who would you be without these despairing, negative, frightening thoughts?

What if you used your imagination to see a new way, without these thoughts, rather than seeing the sky falling like Chicken Little?

Turning the thoughts around:

I can do it. I am doing it. I am making it. I am succeeding. It’s just beginning. This is wonderful. I’m winning. It’s of use. I don’t know how (yay!) or I do know how. I’ll always get what I ultimately want.

This is not to be full of fluffy bunny positive affirmations.

This is deeply considering the benefits of what has occurred, and waiting, noticing, opening and being with joy and love instead of disappointment and hate.

I noticed for myself that I was still alive!

I noticed I was going through something incredibly wild, but actually my little cottage was quiet, beautiful and nurturing. The lights were still on. The phone still worked. The water was still connected. There was still gas in my car. The garbage company still came to pick up my garbage.

I also remember I had a picture of me telling my story of losing all my money one day, and giving other people hope to keep breathing and question their beliefs through a terribly difficult period.

I saw benefits for what was going on with lack of clients and lack of money. I noticed my dive into “no money” generated passion, power, huge energy within me…..I wasn’t so quick to give up or not bother.

I also became willing to question OTHER stressful thoughts like that I was too shy or introverted to be able to succeed in my own business.

Or not good enough to really be effective in life.

Who would you be without your story of self-criticism, judgment and doubt?

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2

Much love, Grace

P.S. September 2015 Year of Inquiry mastermind group begins. An awesome journey with awesome people, inquiring together. For 3 weeks in every month, 3 times every week, you can dial-in with a fabulous group of inquirers and do your work. There’s nothing like the power of group support and connecting for becoming curious, open-minded, and finding the shifts of un-believing that you so desire in your life. Freedom. Registration opens soon!

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Each Step Along The Way, A Clearer Sense of Normal

herenownomatterwhat
each step along the way of inquiry, a clearer glimpse of the divine, a clearer sense of “normal”

I feel much better today, almost back to “normal” physically.

Isn’t that funny whatever “normal” is?

I was listening yesterday during my quieter time, recovering from a short bug, to an interview of me talking with my friend Roberta. (You can access the whole teleconference I was a part of right here for free for a few more hours–lots of powerful information about mind- body health).

I heard myself telling my story.

It’s funny to look back and see one’s own story, played out over time, and watch what the mind does.

While listening, I started remembering how unhappy I was when I was 19 years old, leaving for college.

So anxious, I ate and ate and stuffed myself full the night my family had a goodbye dinner to celebrate my graduation from high school and my adventures off to college.

Remembering that time, I still had the thought float through me yesterday “I should have done it differently”.

If only…..

Then it would be better…..

There’s a similar feeling when you don’t have what you want. (I’ve been talking a lot about desire lately since I started the Desire Class yesterday morning).

Uncomfortable, disappointed, uncertain, sorry.

It’s not like a big traumatic discomfort, just a melancholy breeze blowing by saying “that could have been better, you know.”

Sigh.

But The Work can be brought even to a long-distant memory so far away in the past.

Is it true that could have gone differently, better, another way? Are you sure it might have been altered if only…..?

No.

How do you react when you believe it could be improved, you don’t like the way it turned out, if only….?

I notice I feel internally dramatic. Like someone with the back of their hand on their forehead.

Sad, missing something, bereft.

So who would you be without that belief that it’d be better if it went another way?

Ha ha. Really?

Kind of hilarious, in this moment. Because how could it have possibly gone differently than it did?

I notice I have no idea how making it different would look, and if that really would alter the outcome.

I remember the amazing idea offered by Byron Katie that reality is kind.

Reality….this life….is loving. 

And it’s the truth. The real actual truth. Not my opinionated version of the truth of what happened.

Turning the thoughts around: I shouldn’t have done it differently, it went the way it went and that was very good, the whole situation could NOT be improved. 

There is no “if only…” except in imagination.

Wow.

I simply look at the memory, it floats through, it doesn’t stick inside, it’s just a picture, a sensation, an idea bouncing along, nothing personal.

Who would you be without the belief that something went wrong, and if only….?

“As you drift into spirit, these transformations take place within you. All you have to do is notice them, and you will start to notice the tendency toward the qualities of the Divine. The further back you go, the more you will see these natural qualities unfolding inside of you. Each step along the way, you get a clearer glimpse of what it must be like to sit in that Divine State.” ~ Michael Singer

I love that without these stressful thoughts, there is a natural quality unfolding.
A place that doesn’t regret, or feel like a mistake was made, nothing imagining with pain “if only….”
Right Here.
All you did was notice. Nothing else required.

Love, Grace

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Miraculous Powers of Thought

The other day I was connecting with people online in a webinar about “desire” and questioning stressful beliefs that arise about everything we desire.

One of the first written exercises during the webinar was to think about areas of life I suggested (there were five) and then notice what you’re grateful for that already exists in these areas.

Someone wrote in the Q & A a great and very honest question:

What if I’m not grateful for anything in this area of my life?

What a powerful question….and so great to admit because often, there’s a voice that shouts “You should be grateful! Look at what you have compared to the poor people in Africa! Just to live in this society you’re in the top 8% in the world for resources, quit complaining!”

If you’re ordering yourself to have grateful thoughts, think positively, tell yourself affirmations, or STOP thinking about the terrible dreaded thing that happened…..

…..you might find yourself failing. Miserably.

And then feeling even worse.

So let’s say you’ve been having an extremely hard time with food and eating (as many of you may know, my story is recovery from bulimia and anorexia and horrible relationship with eating).

Or how about money….that’s another hot topic for pain, difficulty and despair around not having enough.

You’re unhappy with your body or your eating, you’re unhappy with the low level of money you have…..

…..and its a long, long way to gratitude.

So why not go ahead and give the upset voice the floor.

Let it speak.

Perhaps it’s shouting for some good reason, some important reason.

The reality is, that voice appears to be upset….and you can fortunately do The Work when a feeling of upset, dread, scarcity or unhappiness comes over you.

It clears the air, on your way to gratitude (without TRYING to get to gratitude, so don’t even think about getting there until you do).

Where to begin with letting that upset voice speak?

Write down what’s wrong with your situation. Write only one thing. To keep it sharply simple.

I am upset with my financial situation because: I can’t pay my rent.

Now answer….why is THAT upsetting? What does it mean about you that you can’t pay your rent?

I have no support. I’ll have no place to live. I’m a loser. I’m doing something wrong. I’m dependent. I’m missing something other people are not missing. I’m a taker not a giver.

What about food and eating….what’s upsetting about this dynamic?

I am upset with the way I eat because: I’m too preoccupied with food.

Why are you upset about being too preoccupied with food?

I’m too heavy. I hurt myself. I can’t control my feelings. I’m unattractive. I’m wasting my life. I can’t get close to people.

Take a moment to sit with why these things upsetting, let your most painful thinking spill out onto paper.

Write it down.

I’m doing something wrong. I’m missing something other people aren’t missing. I’m too anxious, angry, sad. People dislike me. I’m not strong enough.

These thoughts are your keys to inquiry.

Ask yourself the four questions, or have someone facilitate you.

Only question one belief. Not all of them at once.

Example:

There’s something wrong with me.

Take this thought through self-inquiry. Answer all the questions, no matter what you say for any answer. Keep going!

Here are the questions:

  • Is this thought you’re thinking…..true?
  • Can you absolutely know this thought is true?
  • How do you react, what happens, when you have this thought running through your head?
  • Who would you be in this situation without this belief? Use your imagination…what would it be like for you to not have the thought?
  • What’s the opposite? Could this be just as true, or truer? What’s an example?

Look around the room you’re in. Feel your body. Who are you, just being right in the moment, without thinking “Jesus, you need to fix this, because there really is something wrong.”

This really can clear the air, but it takes a moment in time to look. It takes your creativity. It takes believing your own mind can be used to see in a new way (it can).

It takes the conviction that your thinking is very powerful and your thoughts create your feelings and your experience of reality (it appears they do).

Who would you be without the belief you’re doing something wrong, or missing something here?

When it comes to money, or eating….or finding a mate, or succeeding, or producing, or changing, or doing that thing?

If you feel you’ve made many mistakes, or the situations you’ve been in are insurmountable, or success is too difficult, or freedom appears impossible….

….keep holding still with the idea of who you are without your thought!

Use your imagination!

What if you turned your thoughts around about money, or eating (or whatever else you’ve found difficult)?

There is nothing wrong with me. There is something wrong with my thinking (and maybe not even that). There is something right with me.

See what you can find that’s genuinely true for you.

I found when I did The Work on my money situation I noticed I wasn’t lying in a ditch starving. I was eligible for food stamps but actually didn’t wind up using them (I apparently had enough). I had a roof over my head. I liked the beautiful color of the carpet on the floor in my cottage.

I was sitting still, which was relaxing. I didn’t work 12 hours a day, in fact I hardly worked at all and recognized the freedom in having zero possessions. I had time to read. I had friends, connections, family. My car worked.

My mind was not completely insane–it got frantic with worry, but it wasn’t so crazed I needed to go to the loony bin. I could take a deep breath. I had a great resume. I was willing. I knew a lot about some things. I could be useful, I could vacuum my own house (I had a vacuum, and a house).

I knew other people who had recovered from terrible eating disorders. I didn’t binge 24 hours a day, there were lots of spaces of emptiness, including at night when I slept. I was born with a mind and body just like everyone else. It was humanly possible to overcome adversity and addiction. I had heard many success stories, and I was a human.

I was capable of reading and learning and even when I didn’t or wouldn’t, and I noticed these activities weren’t required for peace. I could just sit here and be someone who wasn’t doing anything. There wasn’t wrongness inherently in me being here. My heart was still beating, my lungs expanding and contracting. My blood pumping.

Who would you be without believing your stressful story?

I notice the more I ask myself this question, and then answer it….

….the more grateful I am.

“Desire can produce a universe; its powers are miraculous. Just as a small matchstick can set a huge forest on fire, so does a desire light the fires of manifestation. The very purpose of creation is the fulfillment of desire…..But just as a sleeping man forgets all and wakes up for another day, or he dies and emerges into another life, so do the worlds of desire and fear dissolve and disappear. Being nothing, I am all. Everything is me, everything is mine.” ~ Nisargadatta

I desire something, I do The Work, I find relief, I find joy in this present moment, right here.

Paradoxically, the joy felt now brings me closer to what I desired in the first place….balance, peace, simplicity.

It may not look the way I expected, or have unfolded the way I wanted on MY personal time line, the focus is freedom in the seeing, without the problem-oriented mind dominating everything.

No expectation for what will happen tomorrow, but I know if I begin to suffer, I have The Work to do….

….and take myself back to freedom of feeling clear, of feeling good.

This coming Thursday begins a 6 week journey in exploring Desire, discovering what’s really true and what our feelings are, and investigating deeply the powerful thoughts that come between us and what we need in order to be truly happy.

We’ll have a webinar every week, with slides to watch….the opportunity to journal, ask questions, identify what you don’t like, return to your feeling of allowing what is (even loving what is without forcing it).

You’ll get to look at five important life areas: livelihood, relationships, body/health, learning, and spirituality.

You’ll get to see what it is you really want….

….not focusing so much on the details, but instead the feelings of your true nature in every area.

(It looks like joy or peace or both).

Even if joining the class isn’t your thing then watching where you enter a war with reality, with what’s happened in your life, is the best place to start.

Question your thinking, change your world.

Love, Grace

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How To Find The Joy of Desiring Without Wanting Any Outcome

I am what I desire
I am what I desire

When I was a teenager, if you had asked me about what I wanted to do in my life, what I really loved, or what I truly desired….

….I would have looked at you oddly and kept my mouth shut.

Those were rather frightening questions.

So much can go wrong with how one answers.

First of all….the person asking might take what you say and use it against you later.

“She SAID she’s got a crush on Evan Matthews. I HEARD her say it!!” 

(Group of kids are standing around laughing, pointing and cackling about the news).

Or….the person to whom you have revealed what you want is offended or disappointed.

“I worked so hard cooking this meal, I can’t believe you ate dinner somewhere else, that’s so rude.” 

Or….the response to your desire is luke warm or uncomfortable.

“Going to that play sounds totally boring.”

What about great far-reaching desires that take a long time, or are challenging to accomplish? Sometimes the response to these are very dismissive or critical.

“Are you sure you’re smart enough for medical school? Do you know what it takes to succeed in business? Don’t you get too nervous on stage?”

And finally, some of the most painful inputs about what we desire can come from groups, institutions, whole societies, religions, schools.

“Don’t bother trying out for varsity. If you feel attraction for that person, something’s wrong with you. Be careful what you want, you can make a mistake. Your desire is greedy, bad, selfish.”

Yikes.

I noticed so much conflict in my own movements towards what I thought I wanted, I got more and more and more careful, timid and tentative about going for anything.

Or I wanted to secretly sneak things behind the backs of whomever was watching me (like eating).

It’s very painful to have great desire and be sparked by a fire, and then think of it as messed up, too hard, sick or impossible.

I love doing The Work on my desires, when they’ve felt uncomfortable, unfulfilled, or misdirected.

One of my favorite things is to identify what it is that worries me about something I find attractive. Or what it is that would be much better if I had it than things are right now.

“What would I have, if I had this item, this experience, this dream come true? What would be possible for me?”

Hmmm.

I remember doing this work on MONEY.

Oh money.

I really did want money so desperately. I always felt off with money. Loving it, feeling embarrassed about loving it. Wanting to hide it if I had it (from all the other jealous or competitive people). So miserable without it.

What would I really have, if I had lots and lots of money?

I would have ease. I could relax. I’d have time to read, meditate, write and visit gurus. I would feel thrilled and expansive. I would feel blissful. I would feel care-free, unafraid, untamed, free.

I’d feel safe.

So now the next great question….what is preventing you from feeling these wonderful feelings right now, even as you desire money?

Are you sure you need money, in order to feel safe? Comfortable? Cared for? Abundant? Able to learn?

Who would you be without the thought that you can’t feel safe, thrilled, excited, blissful, generous, loved and accepted right now, right here in your life, without anything added (or subtracted for that matter).

Gosh.

I’d feel curious.

I’d feel much safer suddenly. I’d feel trusting. Grounded. I’d feel kind of excited.

I’d notice that right now, even without the thing I want (person, item, experience) I’m breathing, looking about, and things are happening.

I want to clap!

I feel joy!

How do you think you’ll be more open to moving closer to money….with stressful thoughts about it, or an open mind and curiosity and a feeling of safety?

How do you think you’ll find that fabulous mate, or go through cancer treatment, or stop overeating or smoking cigarettes….

….filled with anxiety about how awful or weak or boring you are….

….or open to feeling this whole present experience and not missing a drop of love, awareness, safety or peace in the moment NOW?

It’s such a fun life to find the exquisite beauty in what I’m pursuing, to be drawn towards it, to discover the joy of noticing how lovely it is.

Now is when I’m doing the noticing.

Ha ha!

And yes, it really doesn’t matter if I get the thing at all.

“When you have no destination in view, you can go anywhere. You realize that whatever life brings you is good, so you look forward to it all. There’s no such thing as adversity. Adversity is just an unquestioned thought….

….We think that because Jesus and the Buddha wore robes and owned nothing, that’s how freedom is supposed to look. But can you live a normal life and be free? Can you do it from here, right now? That’s what I want for you. We have the same desire: your freedom….

….Abundance has nothing to do with money. Wealth and poverty and internal. Whenever you think that you know something and it feels stressful, you’re experiencing poverty. Whenever you realize that what you have is enough and more than enough, you’re rich…. I love having money, and I love not having it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

This great discovery is the feelings in the present, at the core.

We’ll be having a wonderful time putting words to these present moment feelings in the upcoming Desire & The Work course that starts next Thursday.

Every week, we’ll explore an area people consider in their lives to be fulfilling, interesting, and fun.

We’ll identify stressful thoughts….our adversity towards these areas….

….and we’ll question our thoughts using The Work.

We’ll combine some of the lovely work of Danielle LaPorte author of The Desire Map to celebrate the unique flavor we have in our particular expression of whatever this is we’re being.

We’ll come back to reality, now.

Which I always discover is very friendly, when my thinking doesn’t get in the way.

A Smile and A Gentleness

There is a smile and a gentleness inside. When I learned the name and address of that, I went to where you sell perfume. I begged you not to trouble me so with longing. Come out and play! Flirt more naturally! Teach me how to kiss. On the ground a spread blanket, flame that’s caught and burning well, cumin seeds browning, I am inside all of this with my soul. ~ Rumi

If you’d like to join the 6 week journey of exploring desire, questioning the stressful thoughts that appear, tasting the flavors that seem just right for you….now….then click HERE.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you missed the webinar on the introduction to Desire and The Work of Byron Katie….Click HERE to watch and listen.

 

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You Grow Older, You Don’t Know Why

I was interviewed recently on how the work is helpful for women over forty by my friend and fellow-inquirer Roberta Mittman.

It was sweet!

And wow….women over forty as a topic….phew!

I have found The Work so powerful for thoughts and beliefs that have to do with being over a certain age, changes in the life trajectory, relationship challenges, health adjustments, loss, awareness.

Sometimes the beliefs that seem to match a certain age, and beyond, are strangely uncomfortable.

You might know they are superficial, or not as important as other thoughts (that’s where my mind would always go) yet they are present.

These wrinkles are ugly, I need to look young, I want to feel more energy, these hot flashes are irritating, my life is over.

There are also other thoughts many women have who enter the middle time of their lives about career, lack of success, needing a mate by now or wanting to leave the one they have.

It’s powerful to see what we’re telling ourselves is true.

And to ask…..are you sure?

Or to see if something IS indeed true for you (as in aging) why is that a bad thing? Are you sure it’s hard, or difficult, or frightening?

If you’d like to opt-in to get the links to the interviews, a collection of interesting topics for women over forty (including mine) then do it right here:  Click Here to Join Love Your Mind, Love Your Body.

Who would you be without the belief that being “Over Forty” is troubling, for whatever reason?

It leads to the great question, I find, that death is coming.

I know that sounds weird. Maybe extreme.

But when I really look deeply at being past the middle of a normal timeline of human life…..I’m on my way closer to the end than I used to be. No longer at the beginning.

Who would I be without the belief death is difficult, or troubling, or hard, or a disappointment?

Woah, really?

I find it exciting just to imagine being without these thoughts about death.

Like I can’t wait to see what happens when death comes, and I’ll be ready.

“The breeze blows that way, and that’s the way you go. You don’t ask questions anymore. You don’t evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don’t know why. And you know you can’t know why. There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment. That breeze changes the orientation of your life, moment to moment to moment, simply because that’s the way life’s moving. And when you’re living in your awakened self you have no argument with the way it’s moving because it is the same as you are.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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A Terrifying Story Turns Funny

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inquiry always leaves you with less of a story…or a funnier one

I was working with a woman who had a very troubling memory.

Raging in her household, frightened times, hiding in a closet.

These dramatic experiences are difficult to remember and recall. Isn’t this the stuff worth forgetting? Don’t I prefer to get away from it, not dredge it up, shaking the bottle of settled water with sediment sitting on the bottom?

Now, the bottle is full of cloudy water! I hate this! Why do I want to look at that old memory, what good could it possibly do?!

It’s naturally human to feel resistance to remembering something difficult. And no one says you have to go over it again.

But with The Work, what I noticed for me is…..

…..the profound relief of discovering my memories getting resolved and taking their natural place.

In the past.

And sometimes, they become kind of funny, instead of horrific.

A memory.

I am in the dining room with my entire family, everyone has just taken their seat (we always sit in the same seats) and the meal is beautiful and elegant. Silverware, place mats, traditional antique grand table.

One of my sisters and I have set up a tape recorder to “PLAY” on the side board with a one-hour recording tape running. The tape recorder went missing for awhile, under someone’s bed, but now we’ve found a new blank tape and are working as spies.

Dinner is served, the meal is underway. My sister and I keep looking at each other and giggling, knowing EVERYTHING is being recorded. We are doing a great secret job.

We’re giddy with excitement. My other sisters who don’t even know we’ve got the tape recorder running both chime in with the giggling, getting in the game, and someone laughs boisterously and everyone’s snorting at once.

There’s a commotion.

Suddenly dad slams both palms down on the table, stands up, yells “I want some goddamn quiet in here!!!!”

We’re frozen and silent.

He hits his hand on the wall and shouts again “goddamnit!” and storms out of the dining room.

We hear the door slam as he leaves.

My mom gets up silently and starts clearing the plates and tells us to help.

We all clear the table to the kitchen, put dishes in the dishwasher. My mom goes upstairs with the two younger sisters. There’s empty quiet in the kitchen.

My sister and I nod to each other, and meet at the tape recorder.

Silently, I push rewind and we stare at the humming wheels, speeding back to the beginning until clunk, it hits the beginning. I slowly reach to the PLAY button, and push it.  We stand, huddled over the recorder with the volume very low and we listen intently, not saying a word.

We hear the whole dinner table scene….and then….the terrible YELL from my dad.

With a panic my sister punches the STOP button and we both gasp and cover our mouths with horror. We have actually recorded a most terrible moment. Our hearts are beating.

Get that moment off the tape recorder, ASAP. I push erase and rewind.

Now, decades later, I marvel remembering that incident.

It was a “terrible” moment. My dad left the house for hours. He wasn’t even home yet when we went to bed.

And who am I now, in this moment, remembering that dinner table, and all my sisters, and the giggling and laughing and snorting, and my dad losing it?

Weird.

The coincidence of actually TAPE RECORDING one of the few times my dad absolutely lost his temper and stormed out of the house.

Who could have planned it?

I see now how ingenious reality was.

Making it double-obvious and crystal clear that an angry explosion had just happened. And reminding me so well about my terror of my dad getting angry and the absurdity of catching it on tape, I get to remember that moment with fresh eyes.

The eyes of much greater wisdom, and the heart of someone who can see something that is not frightening, now that I think about it.

Maybe this loving heart and these wiser eyes were also there all the way back then, when I felt like the whole situation was my fault and I was the oldest and shouldn’t have shaken things up like that.

Without my beliefs about anger and my father, or anyone else’s anger, I feel so much lighter.

I even feel like chuckling at that scene.

Or belly laughing.

That was HILARIOUS the way that happened. Don’t you agree?

Maybe you can see your difficult memory with different eyes and heart as well?

Even if your memory really wasn’t that funny….maybe you notice that right now, here, you are completely safe and its over, and its OK to take a look at what was going on back in that memory, to see if you missed anything.

Maybe something you thought was true, actually isn’t?

“Inquiry always leaves you with less of a story. Who would you be without your story? You never know until you inquire. There is no story that is you or that leads to you. Every story leads away from you. You are what exists before all stories. You are what remains when the story is understood.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. We’re talking about Desire in a free webinar today at 10 am Pacific. Come on over! Visit yesterday’s Grace Note for link.

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You Know That Person Who Bugs You? Free Yourself Now…Here’s How

Join Grace to question stressful relationships
Join Grace to question stressful relationships

My daughter (who is 17) just informed me 9 years ago the very first tweet was sent.

Now, you may be saying….

….Who cares!?!

But I find technology and the internet sort of fascinating, although a little confusing.

The thing that got me a moment later after hearing this news was thinking about whomever started “twitter” and sent out that tweet.

They decided to send a very short communication out into the world, like birds.

Hello! Tweet!

The reason I’m sharing this today is….I’ve had a huge mind change on the concept of sharing, when I started Grace Notes 3 years ago.

I write them for everyone, including me.

Totally exposed, honest, kind of embarrassing.

But people can relate.

We’re all inquiring together. I can feel how incredible it is. This is not personal.

What’s this sharing like?

Its just expressing who you are and what you feel and what you desire and where you get stuck.

If you feel like protecting yourself, withholding, hiding, running away, going into a hidey hole….

….nothing terrible about having that feeling….

….but you might just consider turning around and doing the opposite instead.

I’m not suggesting tweeting, by the way. Just sharing in the best way you can the honest, unabashed truth of yourself.

This means your fears, your sadness, your love, your desires.

On Tuesday a small group of brave people will get together on the phone (some will use skype from other countries) to identify their most difficult, disturbing, fearful, mean, bratty thoughts about a very important person in their lives.

Strange, right?

But we get right down into it, with our judgments and immature ideas so we can then bring them through the self-inquiry process known as The Work to see what’s really accurate for us, and what it might feel like to turnaround these thoughts.

We’ll get to use our imagination…..for good, not evil (you can laugh like a mad scientist and wring your hands together for fun here).

It’s actually true.

You wind up taking these pestering, painful thoughts and answering four simple but profound questions about them, seeing the way they’re running your life and your behavior.

Just in the looking….you can see more clearly.

There’s one spot left in the Relationship Hell To Heaven class beginning at 5:15 pm Pacific Time on Tuesday….but you don’t have to wait until then.

Even if you can’t join the class, start today with a little inquiry session with yourself.

Download the attached Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and let it rip. Don’t hold back. Holding back has gotten you nowhere, right? So let it fly, on paper.

Then take only the very first one, and put it at the top of a One Belief At A Time worksheet. And start writing out your answers to the questions.

You may find some relief, or a whole new way of looking at your own thoughts, by the time you’re through. If you need more help, visit www.thework.com.

When you see things differently with those other troubling people, you act differently, you say different things, you make different faces, you stand and sit differently, you feel differently.

This is all the difference in the world. Really.

“Your mind has very little control over this world. It is neither omniscient nor omnipotent. It cannot control the weather and other natural forces. Nor can it control all people, places, and things around you. You have give your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems. If you want to achieve a healthy state of being, stop asking your mind to do this. Just relive your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside.” ~ Michael Singer

The Work is one of the most simple ways to stop mentally telling others how to change to make you happy. Even when you don’t say it out loud.

Come back to yourself by sharing the truth of what you’re thinking. Do The Work on those important relationships. Find out what you really need to make yourself happy, without expecting those other people to change.

You’ll feel free.

What could be better than that?

If you want to join Relationship Hell to Heaven, click HERE.

I can’t wait to work with everyone. You are awesome.

Love, Grace

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Are You Sure You Were Hurt And Might Get Hurt Again?

wide open freedom without believing
wide open freedom without believing

We need to talk.

Have you ever had someone text you, or leave a voicemail, or send you an email, or mail you a letter, or say this when you see each other….

….and you have a little voice inside that says “oh no”?

Surge of adrenaline.

Maybe the inner frightened voice takes off chattering.

What’d I do? What’s the problem now? They don’t like me.

Sometimes people think those four words “we need to talk” mean you’re about to get broken up with! Ouch.

This is one of my favorite ideas to do The Work on…..

….the story that I am about to be hurt by someone’s words, because they are not pleased with my behavior.

Whether they’re about to say I’m a jerk, or they didn’t like what I did or said, or they’re so unhappy they are leaving this relationship, it can bring up a strange sense of fear.

Let’s take a look, using The Work.

You may notice, you’ve believed this thought for years, since you were a kid even.

Here’s the Big Stressful Belief in summary:

It is possible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions).

Dang. Doesn’t that seem true?

Is it?

Yes, yes, yes!

People are mean. People have said hard things. They’ve left me. They’ve cut me off. They’ve told me they don’t like stuff I do, or think, or say.

It’s made me cry. I’ll do anything to avoid it. It feels like a knife in my heart.

I hate when people don’t like me. It sucks.

Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure it’s true?

Wow. Really?

But wait.

Think about this answer, deeply.

Can other people really hurt you with their words, or actions? What do you mean by “hurt”?

Do they not have a right to their opinion? Is it a permanent opinion, or something changeable?

Does everyone have to like you? Does everyone have to look like someone who is kind, or loving, or caring?

I notice that people who act nice sometimes aren’t, and people who act mean sometimes aren’t.

I notice human feelings are movable, malleable, changing.

How do you react when you believe you can be hurt?

Do you stay away from people? Do you make sure not to get too close? Do you stay home, just to avoid possible rejection? Do you keep quiet in a group or a classroom? Do you act agreeable, saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? Do you smile a lot?

Phew.

Now don’t get upset with yourself for being such a pleaser. You’ve done what you needed to do, you thought, in order to survive.

This is not the time to say you’re stupid for being so worried about what other people think.

This is learning, here. You’re OK.

I was at a huge party not long ago. An acquaintance I was speaking to I realized had a few drinks. He was talking about an event next fall and telling me the dates of when it would be happening and how I had to come, and leaning in too far, repeating himself.

“Are you free those dates?”

I nodded in agreement, trying to see my escape route around the table out of the corner of my eye.

I heard myself mumble “yes, I think I’m free around that time.”

I knew I would never go to that event, even if I was free.

But something about the alcohol-breath and the loud voices all around and the party atmosphere made me not be direct. Not that I would do it any differently overall, but why on earth say that I’m even free?

Jeez!

Who would I be without the belief that people can hurt me with words or actions?

Even if he had started calling me names, or been abrupt somehow?

Even if someone said “I’m breaking up with you” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t like the way you handled that, or said this, or acted like that” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t want to hang out with you any more” (it’s happened).

Without the belief that these words or actions are painful, I notice there’s no defense.

The energy still comes at me and goes right through me. It feels uncomfortable for a moment.

But also exciting.

Something within feels very, very quiet and solid.

Something feels raw and exposed and vulnerable, but also like this energy is nothing to be truly afraid of.

I notice having people say things, or leave, hasn’t killed me.

Usually, it’s been eye-opening, and powerful.

Turning the belief around:

It is impossible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions). It is possible to be healed by other people’s words or actions.

She hurt me—she healed me. 

He hurt me—he healed me.

I hurt her. I hurt him. I hurt myself.

WOW. Could this all be as true, or truer?

“No thought you have ever had is true. No opinion you have ever held is right. Let them go. No idea you have of yourself, or of who or what you are, has ever corresponded to reality. Or ever will. Let them go….Let grace stop you.” ~ David Carse in Perfect Brilliant Stillness

What an adventure the “criticism” has been. What thrill.

What welcome destruction of the little “I” who thinks its so important and gets so jumpy the minute its judged.

“Don’t wish for union! There’s a closeness beyond that…Fall in love in such a way that it frees you from any connecting. Love is the soul’s light, the taste of morning; no me, no we, no claim of being…As eyes in silence, tears, face: love cannot be said.” ~ Rumi

Could it be true that I was only hurting myself with my own imagination and stories, every time I believed others could hurt me?

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel energy coursing through me when you call me names, or walk away, or do something harmful.

But the energy goes through and past, its met with understanding and love.

I feel it, completely, and cry, or laugh, or take a quick in-breath….and see that love is still right here…..always.

Love, Grace

 [stextbox id=”custom”]P.S. Free webinar on Desire and The Work of Byron Katie (a happy marriage) on March 26th 10-11:30 am Pacific Time. More in tomorrow’s Grace Note. Stay tuned![/stextbox]

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Committing To Practice Makes All The Difference In Your Whole World

question your stressful thoughts--change your whole world. Really.
question your stressful thoughts–change your whole world. Really.

Year of Inquiry (YOI) is a small group of inquirers who connect for an entire year together, starting every September and meeting all year long, changing topics every month.

Yah. It’s intense.

It’s a long commitment.

We’re half way through the year. And we love it.

It’s amazing over time to have a regular practice of collecting together and questioning….deeply.

Who would you BE without that thought, about your body (we happen to be on the BODY month right now) or money, or your primary relationship, or your dad or mom?

Sinking in over and over, together.

The thing I love about a whole year is we come and go, we’re on vacation then we’re back, we show up then we miss a session, but we tap back in, regroup, show up, focus.

Remember.

Over time the practice of inquiring becomes so, so, so fun.

We get to know one another’s voices, wishes, the way we respond in a very intimate way, without ever telling all our stories.

Someone wrote me an email once after reading a Grace Note.

“Don’t you get tired of questioning your thoughts? Isn’t this a little repetitive or obsessive?”

Yes to the second part. Ha ha!

No to the first.

I have NO IDEA why I don’t get tired of this.

Well, OK, maybe there’s an idea.

Somewhere along the way, I realized this work was about ending fear. Ending agony about what happened before and what might happen next.

I also realized there was absolutely nothing else I could do, except question my painful thinking.

Wow. Nothing. No control.

I only had my own mind ultimately to work with, it didn’t work to try to fix or adjust or make the world better.

I could end the drama of needing other people to change, or the environment to change, or this whole world to change….

….in order to actually be happy.

I could actually enter the humor of not being my mind, not taking my thinking seriously….

….and watch this astonishing life unfold with all the flavors, variety, complexity and strangeness of the most inventive, brilliant novel.

With joy.

Not upset.

I love all the people who show up for inquiry, every single day in the groups or telecourses I run.

Everyone doing the best they can, everyone curious….open.

Everyone dropping their limiting stories, on their own path, and sharing this process together, at their own pace.

We do have room for up to three people right now in YOI. We have calls on Tuesday mornings 9 am, Thursday afternoons 4:30 pm, and Fridays 9 am Pacific time. Come to one, two or all three–your choice.

We gather in person for those who can get to the northwest USA May 29-31. But if you’re super far away, like Europe, then you might choose not to travel and that’s OK too (it’s less expensive).

I don’t want anyone to miss out who would love this ongoing opportunity to be in The Work three weeks out of every month and see what regular inquiry can bring to your life.

It looks like freedom.

“Reality–the way that it is, exactly as it is, in every moment–is always kind. It’s our STORY about reality that blurs our vision, obscures what’s true, and leads us to believe that there is injustice in the world. I sometimes say that you move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer….It’s insane to believe that suffering is caused by anything outside the mind. A clear mind doesn’t suffer.” ~ Byron Katie

And of course, even if an organized regular inquiry group isn’t right for you–there are other ways to do The Work with people.

You can call the Help Line (click HERE to use it for free).

“If you want to work with your psyche, you have to loosen up in there…you have to get underneath and see why your psyche is the way it is. It was programmed that way. But you can learn how to interact with life in a wholesome, participatory way. You have the right to relax and let fear pass right through you.” ~ Michael Singer

If you’re in the mood for lightening up, understanding your mind, becoming intimate with reality….

….and you’d like support on your journey….

….then consider coming on board to the upcoming Relationships telecourse, or Year of Inquiry, or Desire and The Work, or Summer Camp for The Mind this coming summer, or Breitenbush 5 day retreat in the spectacular natural Hotsprings of Oregon.

I love connecting with you, questioning the way we all think, and changing our world.

If you’re interested in YOI or another teleclass, hit reply and let me know (your email will go directly to me personally) or visit  www.workwithgrace.com and click on teleclasses or programs to see what’s coming up.

Much love, Grace