Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Un-Mother’s Day Un-Expected Freedom

peacesymbol
peace whatever happens

Yesterday I so loved all the people I had contact with. There were a LOT.

One group was an afternoon meetup I hosted in my little cottage, open to anyone interested in doing The Work and learning more about it.

People came, curious about The Work, how to do it, wondering if they’re doing it right, noticing the difficulty with doing The Work on their own when they’re alone.

The front door of my cottage was propped open with sweet spring smells wafting in from a sunny afternoon, fresh mowed lawn, the Judge Your Neighbor worksheets in a stack with a cup of pens nearby, clipboards, tea in the kitchen.

Earlier yesterday in the morning, I was ALSO spending time with people.

For that session, it was via teleconference wearing my headset, facilitating people through a two hour session identifying stressful thoughts about money (we’re continuing our money sessions for two more Sunday mornings) and then inquiring.

Now, here’s the deal.

I completely forgot it was Mother’s Day when I scheduled these things.

I also forgot, when I got the idea to schedule the conference call on Money, that I ALREADY was doing The Work all afternoon with people who came to the meetup.

So there I was a couple of days ago realizing…..oh.

Well, lookie at that!

I’m doing The Work all morning, for a whole meeting in the afternoon, and pretty much doing nothing that’s official for “Mother’s Day”!

I saw the thoughts coming along the ticker-tape of the mind:

  • I should be doing stuff with my kids
  • Why don’t I pay closer attention to my calendar
  • Really?
  • Aren’t you trying to work less, not more?
  • I should care more about Mother’s Day
  • People won’t show up anyway, because it’s Mother’s Day
  • So who would I be without any thought about Mother’s Day and what it was supposed to mean or involve, or what was supposed to be remembered, or forgotten?

What if all was well, exactly as it went?

Because it was.

Exquisitely well.

Fun people, wonderful connections, a remarkable joy of being with humanity in such deep and profound ways.

Noticing what a spectacular day I had yesterday.

I turned all the thoughts around…almost as they arose, to be honest.

  • I saw my son and daughter, both, the previous day for a fantastic late breakfast at 2 pm….we went to one of my favorite old restaurants they had never been to since they were little
  • Apparently, not paying close attention to my calendar is not really a problem
  • Yes, really
  • That wasn’t work, that was play
  • It’s fabulous to not care about Mother’s Day, and just enjoy whatever happens
  • More people showed up than for the last several meetups (we had nine–a fabulous number) and 21 showed up for the teleconference. It was AWESOME.
Who would you be without the thought that you need it to be a different schedule than it is….or go a different way?
Fantastic.
Such freedom and lightness. This life is sooooo very entertaining!
“There are two ways you can live: you can devote your life to staying in your comfort zone, or you can work on your freedom. In other words, you can devote your whole life to the process of making sure everything fits within your limited model, or you can devote your life to freeing yourself from the limits of your model.” ~ Michael Singer

Much love,

Grace

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Are You Comparing Apples and Oranges Again?

comparison
one of these is better than the other….is that true?

I was in a lecture by a dynamic, inspiring motivational speaker about working for yourself.

I had actually spoken on the phone to her before, and taken one of her classes. I liked her. She was really fascinating, actually. How wonderful to hear her amazing story of success.

Until.

Wait. How much money did she just say she made in her first year of being in business for herself? Are you kidding me?

How come she got so successful?

What am I doing wrong?

I made a tenth of what she made in my first year of business. One TENTH. I could barely live on it.

There’s no comparison really.

Plus I think she’s about 25 years younger.

In literally a matter of 60 seconds, I was making plans to go live in Pema Chodron’s monastery next year and throw in the towel.

This is ridiculous. I’ll never get “it”.

There’s no point in going on!!

Have you ever felt the Drama-Queen Extremes?

I jest, but I know the feeling of comparing yourself to someone “better” than you can be quite brutal, debilitating and low.

It’s not all that funny, when you’re in the middle of it.

But who would you be without the thought that you should just give it all up and quit, cash out in despair?

Who would you be without the belief you should push on, never give up, and bore yourself like a drill into your plan of success?

Who would you be without your thoughts? Your comparisons? Your fears of the future? Your regrets of the past?

What would it feel like, in this moment right now as you read these words, to consider neither giving up nor pressing on?

“Normally we try to relax beyond our circumstances. We try to transcend our experience. We try to find truth. We try to wake up. But just imagine the relief you could feel having zero task. You can’t make yourself relax, you can’t make yourself let go, you can’t make yourself tight, you can’t make yourself restricted. The relief to being resigned or relinquished to resting in your experience is immeasurable.” ~ Ross Oldenstadt

Huh?

But WOW.

Suddenly *click* (or maybe more like *kapow!*) I am in this moment noticing faces, sound, voices, air, colors, joy, being this, not being that, being this instead, relating, connecting.

Noticing gratitude, and laughter, at all the compulsive comparing and planning and efforts to not-effort.

Truly, nothing to do. Nowhere to go.

Turning the thoughts around: Making that much money is not required for success. I am not doing it wrong. I am doing it right. I am not “doing” it. The amount of money I have is success. The amounts of monies coming and going have nothing to do with success or lack of success.This life has gone this way, just right. 

So glad life moved me into a moment of hearing a speaker that reminded me of comparison that reminded me of inquiry that reminded me of peace and nothing-but-now.

I am alive, I am breathing, I am typing, I sit on a beautiful and comfortable white couch, I laugh at my mind, I feel what’s here that is not a thinking brain, I relax, I celebrate these fairy tales all around me including big happy wild accomplishment stories and big fat failure stories, I notice I’m having a lot of fun with this whole success work-for-yourself thing.

Once upon a time….

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Even though its Mother’s Day, I’m offering a 3 weeks of Sunday sessions doing The Work on Money on 5/10, 5/17 and 5/24 from 9-11 am Pacific Time. By donation. Every session will be recorded….click HERE if you want access to the recordings, to join on any call, or participate with this powerful freedom work.

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The Best Way To Discover Secret Stress In Your Mind

journal
write it down

Last night the Eating Peace live inquiry call did some digging into finding stressful thoughts about food….

….but really, also, about life.
The great question that I love, to better identify where your mind might be arguing with reality, is to answer this question:
Who’s to blame?
What’s to blame?
Whose fault is it, or what, that you’re not feeling so hot, or you’re having trouble with (food, drugs, sex, work, money, relationship).
Sometimes its crazy simple.
I’m having trouble with that person because that person is a retard! I blame them! Duh!
But sometimes, when you’re overeating, or obsessing about money, or have a general feeling of dread, or thinking about drinking alcohol….
….you might not know exactly what’s bothering you.
It may seem like you’ve been bothered forever, and you’re in a pattern you can’t break.
Too hard to find who to blame.
And you probably blame yourself….viciously.
Because you’re reacting–as in, you are deep in a reaction to some OTHER belief that doesn’t really have all that much to do with the actual food, or alternate compulsive behavior.
For example.
When I was learning about my feelings and how they propelled me in life, especially when it came to my super-destructive eating patterns, I started keeping a journal.
A therapist suggested it. About 50 times.
When I finally began to write, daily, or whenever I felt the most pain and agony about food….
….I was deeply honest.
I wrote how I felt. Not just about food, but about people, life, my situation.
Then, when I had enough data (journal entries) I went back through my journal with my therapist, and she asked me about what I had written about.
Through these conversations, I discovered patterns in my eating.
It was like a lightbulb went off.
Woah–I eat when someone scares me or confronts me, and I’m worried I might be getting rejected or criticized.
Only, I eat about 5 hours later….when the coast is clear and I’m all alone.
Bam.
From keeping my journal, I noticed I ate when I felt rage.
I could also see the assumptions I made about what was going on with other people, and what they thought of me, and what was dangerous, and what I might need or want to request.
As I began to become familiar with my own inner world of feelings, and what they pointed to (my stories) everything I believed started to unravel.
If you have unconscious, speedy-quick, addictive or compulsive behaviors….
….start carrying around a little notebook.
Record your thoughts–but also your feelings.
This information is gold.
And it may save your life.
“Rather than understand the original cause–a thought–we try to change the stressful feelings by looking outside ourselves….Stories are the untested, uninvestigated theories that tell us what all these things mean. We don’t even realize that they’re just theories….Stress is an alarm clock that lets you know you’ve attached to something not true for you.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace
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What If Whatever Is Decided Is Absolutely OK

Last weekend, I actually chose to cancel a really fun awesome social event I host in my home from time to time….singing.

I had a sore throat.

One of this body’s things is sore throats.

Some people get allergies, or colds, or sinus infections, or bladder infections, or fevers, or migraines.

But I’ve had some killer sore throats. Like, the kind a doctor got out a big shot gun needle and gave me penicillin in my thigh as a kid because I couldn’t even swallow a drop of water my throat hurt so much.

 

I’d say at least once a year, here comes the sore throat.

I knew it was right to cancel singing with everyone because I felt such relief once I did it, and I went to bed to lie down.

But before I actually decided….

….I noticed the idea come through my mind “you could cancel, you know….”

And I watched myself not cancel.

Not yet.

Maybe I’ll get a second wind.

Maybe it will start to go away.

Maybe I could enjoy myself anyway–we’ve all had one of those experiences where even though you’re pretty sure you’re ill or have a virus–you go anyway, and have a good time.

Once a decision was made, there was no problem. Resting and sleeping, very soundly, was a brilliant idea.

But that in-between zone before making that decision….that was hard.

I love everyone who’s coming, I don’t want to be disappointed, we won’t get to sing again for weeks and its already been a long time, I need to connect with fun people, I’ll regret it if I say no. 

Who would I be without the belief I’ll be unhappy in the future because of a decision I make right now?

What if ANY decision made is the right one, and there’s no “wrong” decision, no alternative that might have gone better (or worse)?

Because the one made is the only reality.

There is no alternative.

Who would you be without the belief you made the wrong decision, or a troubling decision, or a hard decision, or a bad or awkward decision?

I’d be resting.

Smiling when my friend texts me a photo of the pot of friend rice he had prepared for the potluck now canceled, saying he now gets to eat it all himself.

Noticing the stillness of the air in the room, the comfortable bed, the aching glands, the sweetness of holding still.

Today, I still have a bit of whatever is visiting this body, but I’m writing, podcasting, meeting with several clients via skype and phone, sending emails, up out of bed….but not moving fast, eating vitamin C, feeling the slow energy.

Could slow-pace quiet stillness all by myself be just as good as friends gathering together?

Apparently yes.

Here’s to decisions, and what unfolds naturally, and noticing it’s really not a problem.

Enjoy laughing about decisions.

If it’s not so funny for you….question that thought.

Here’s hilarious Ellen, on making decisions:

Ellen's monologue about making decisions
Ellen’s monologue about making decisions
Much love,
Grace
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The Good News That Whatever Is Now Is All You Have

lettinggobutterflies
every moment changes

The retreat is over that I’ve been on. Time to go home.

Have you ever felt a melancholy, or sadness, or a sense of wanting something to continue?

Don’t let this change! I want this to stay just the way it is, in this moment, in this experience.

I don’t want to forget this peace.

I want to keep this awareness, joy, openness, learning.

Or, you might have had the experience that you want to keep a person in your life….

I don’t want to break up! I hate getting divorced!

Or, to keep your good fortune….

I want to always keep this pile of money and never ever have it diminish!

Or, to keep your health, your fitness, your youth.

I want my body to be the way it was, I hate this change. 

Wanting to maintain a moment or experience can have a little edge of sadness, angst or worry.

Maybe a big edge. To put it mildly.

I noticed this myself, in tiny moments as this retreat came to a close.

Our group has shared, everyone has connected beautifully, there is a feeling of love and kindness and trust. I have new insight to my experience of being a human being, alive on this planet.

I HAVE TO KEEP THIS FEELING! 

Chuckle.

How do you react when you think you need to keep something?

Even if you still have it, do you notice you feel clingy and grabby?Like you need to milk this for all its worth (as the saying goes)?

If a meaningful or pleasant experience is indeed over….

….do you feel terrible fear, sadness or panic that your future is not as bright?

Who would you be without this thought?

Open to this moment here, right now.

Not only open to it…but accepting of it…resigned to it.

Wow. What a relief.

The turnaround: I do not have to keep any feeling. I have to NOT keep this feeling. It is not possible to keep any feeling. I have to let go of this feeling. 

No “I” is keeping or releasing anything.

Ha ha ha!

“We forget that there is no future, there is no peace later. Whatever is arising in the now is all I have.” ~ Ross Oldenstadt

Much love,
Grace
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Be Honest And Set Yourself Free

koalagrouphug
Year of Inquiry group hug – even when its virtual

Several months ago when Year of Inquiry met to question thoughts together one morning via teleconference….a very interesting thought appeared for investigation.

Our topic was  Authority.
Power, control, being bossed, trying to boss yourself, getting manipulated, having concern with who or what is in charge.
People in YOI once again had really profound and varied worksheets, unique to their experiences.
One wonderful inquirer had a few thoughts about Society and how controlling it is about sexuality.
He should, she should, they should….
One thought rose to the surface, very painful and nerve-racking:
Men leave women who don’t want to “x”.
I’m making sure this note is rated G.
You get the idea though. Someone leaves if someone else doesn’t do what they want.
What a frightening and controlling thought.
If I do it, I feel like a slave. If I don’t do it, I’m abandoned.
Rats. No win.
This kind of dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships that have nothing to do with requests related to sexuality at all.
On the job between boss and employee, or between parents and children, or between friends, or neighbors.
Pretty much between any two people. Period.
If I don’t do what that person wants, I will be abandoned. If they don’t do what I want, I will abandon them!
Dang! Wait a Second! This is true!
I’ve been ditched and I’ve done the ditching a bunch of times because what was wanted by someone…..didn’t happen!!!
Are you sure that’s true?
Yes.
Ask anyone.
When people’s relationships end and someone gets left, it’s because one person wasn’t getting what they wanted from the other person.
Are you completely sure of this?
Well….No.
How do you react when you believe you get left when someone else doesn’t get what they want from you?
Sigh. It’s hard.
Lots of examining relationships, to make sure I’m doing OK, make sure I’m giving enough, being a good friend, a good partner, a good sibling, a good earner, a good pleaser, a good daughter, a good teacher, a good student, a good worker, a good mother, a good granddaughter, a good neighbor, a good citizen.
Anything. But. Abandonment.
But who would you be without that thought?
Without the belief that being left had something to do with you? That you can prevent leaving from occurring? That your leaving had something to do with them? Or that you know what’s best for everyone involved?
Woah.
What if the way it went, or the way it’s going to go, is going to be the best way ever? What if people will do what people will do….and it’s really not so personal?
Turning it around…
If I don’t do what I want, I will be abandoned–by myself!  
Sooooo True!
And let’s face it, we feel awful when we abandon ourselves.
Someone in our inquiry group said “No one ever talks about this!”
She was relieved, loving the freedom to speak and hear from others.
I thought….everyone here is connecting, sharing very honestly, doing the work on a stressful belief about something extremely intimate.
We were all, in that very moment of connecting, sharing and truth-telling….
….we were all experiencing whatever the opposite is of abandoned…..
…set free.
Just like all honest conversations.
“Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet. Any place you defend is where you’re still suffering. There’s nothing out there that can oppose you. There is just fluid motion, like the wind….I am everything that I have ever called other people; they were me all along.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
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Being With Byron Katie in Seattle this summer

support
Join Us for Being With Byron Katie via internet in Seattle…July 11-14, 2015

Have you ever sent out party invitations….and you weren’t sure who was able to come?

That’s how I felt when I first knew I wanted to gather with a whole handful of inquirers….people who love The Work and love self-inquiry….

….and watch Byron Katie on the big screen, bringing her amazing process known as The Work to life in her unique and dynamic way.

Katie’s facilitation of The Work is deep, and she’s been at it for over 30 years.

Every time I listen to Katie and watch her work with people, I learn something new. I laugh, I shake my head, I’m so moved.

She’s hilarious and direct—and now in her 70s, still leading workshops and retreats around the world.

“Being With Byron Katie” is an event happening this summer in Switzerland. We’re going to participate all the way from Seattle.

You are invited to watch it via the internet with me in Seattle, in a gorgeous lodge, at the very same time (9 hours delay) July 10-14.

I sent out the invitation….and so many people are coming! I’m thrilled!

The three private bedrooms in the lodge are spoken for. However, anyone who wishes can spend the night on a cot or mattress for $10. Sleepover! All inquirers welcome!

There’s space for commuters, and it’s only $165 for four days….attending the entire event (you’re welcome to arrive Friday night July 10th). This will be a fantastic opportunity to watch Katie conduct an entire 4 day event for a fraction of the usual fee.

The group gathering here will be a beautiful mix of people: certified facilitators (you can meet us!) and many lovers of The Work. Candidates in the Certification program and the Institute for The Work can earn 24 credits.

We will enjoy watching Katie, sharing insights, using the gorgeous kitchen facilities (we’ll share potluck lunch together for everyone who wishes) and we’ll hold one silent meditation session per day between lunch and the afternoon session with Katie.

This will be a time of community and learning, insight and love.

I would love you to join me at my special gathering for The Work with Katie herself via internet, and share in the peace movement.

Bedrooms are all reserved, but you may spend the night on really comfortable queen sized mattresses provided by the lodge. You’ll receive a separate bill if you’re staying overnight.

We’ll be located in Kenmore. Most people will commute and attend without spending the night.

We’re getting full, the group is spectacular. We’ll have a wonderful time together. There are a whole lotta people able to come!

Join us! Click here to register. Maximum 24 people.

Much love, Grace

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No Greater Misfortune Than This

woman with mirror self-love
no enemies – including you

The Relationship Hell to Heaven telegroup all joined our session last night, ready for once to do The Work on thoughts about shame and guilt….

….towards themselves.

It’s one of the only times I ever prompt people to consider what they feel most ashamed of in a relationship they’re working on, so we can investigate.

I notice I have thoughts about myself, every time, in every relationship I’ve ever experienced that holds some kind of conflict or disturbance.

A co-worker from many years ago who I was so upset about because she criticized me and reported me to a supervisor.

I was ashamed of being ratted on, even though it didn’t wind up meaning anything terrible and everything was cleared up pretty quickly.

She doesn’t like me. I’m a loser. I did something wrong.

What about that time when I dated two men at once? One of them cared.

I was ashamed I was being sneaky, I was unclear about all my feelings, too scattered, disloyal.

Or how about my conflict with a very dear friend, and really surprising betrayal?

I was ashamed of her seeing me as unprofessional, even crazy, someone without integrity.

I’ve shared before that my worst, most horrible shame was having an abortion, and before that, having an eating disorder.

I thought of myself as a violent, selfish, completely screwed up human being.

The thing is….shame about oneself is a strange and tricky trap.

You get stuck in the mental story that you’ve done something terribly wrong and embarrassing, and this sick feeling in your stomach pushes that shame deep down like a thorn stuck inside, and you have to keep it from ever coming out, lest people discover the true and horrible you.

But who would you be without the story that there’s something wrong with you, or you did something unforgivable, or something’s missing, or you aren’t worthy, or desirable, or you’re a cheater, or a loser, or too “x” or not enough “y”?

It’s a lot to unravel at once, in these words…..maybe too much.

But just imagine who you would be without stories of YOU being OFF?

What if there was simply nothing to do, nothing to learn, nothing to forgive, nothing to fix, nothing to find, nothing to add, nothing to change, nothing to clarify, nothing to make sense of….

….about you?

Ha ha ha ha!

Can you feel the burden of shame get set down, with this idea?

Can you feel the connection to self-love and compassion, no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done?

What if you’ve always been doing the best you can?

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

This enemy includes you.

Much love, Grace

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Whether You Like It Or Not

Lately I have been working with some individuals on very deeply painful past memories and experiences.

These are situations that disrupted these peoples’ lives, maybe for years.

But what a striking thing to question….

….this very idea that those things in the past affected my whole life, and they shouldn’t have.

What if they should have?

What if the way it went, and the way it has been this morning, is actually OK?

The mind will say “NOOOOOOO!!! It is NOT OK the way it is. It must be different!”

I found my own mind concerned with the idea that so many people are suffering.

So sad. So difficult. So terrible. So many voices crying in the wilderness of life.

But without this belief?

Woah.

So funny.

Noticing it doesn’t matter whether I like it or not….

….or that even these people like or don’t like the way it went.

It’s like this, then like that.

That’s the way it rolls out.

All that can happen is questioning, remembering, being with All This no matter how I feel or think about it.

Whoever “I” is.

Noticing things that happened once, are over.

And suddenly, remembering this…..I feel as free as a bird flying high in the sky. Singing!

“Nobody has the power to allow this moment. The good news is that this moment is already allowed to be exactly as it is, whether ‘you’ like it or not. True freedom lies nowhere else but in the ‘suchness’ of this moment, the fragrance of the here and now.” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

P.S. People are registering for Being With Byron Katie–we will have such a wonderful group July 11-14 right here in Seattle. Check it out, it will be a truly great summer communion with facilitators of The Work and other fantastic inquirers.

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Think It Should Be Different? You Lose.

flowerbudByron Katie has a funny demonstration she offers from time to time to an audience about forcing something, or wishing for something, before its ready, before it ever happens.

She turns to the vase next to her chair, often filled with gorgeous colorful flowers….

….and she takes one stalk out of the vase, a closed bud, and holds it in front of her looking directly at it.

“OPEN!” she says with intensity.

“I SAID OPEN!” she repeats again.

The audience chuckles.

“OPEN NOW!!!!!!”

All of us in the audience laugh uproariously as we realize the way our minds and thoughts do this constantly, all day long, in many situations.

Arguing with what is….wishing it would go differently, faster, better.

Katie is speaking to a powerful idea that nothing can come before its time.

There is a natural order of things.

Seed, gestation, bud, bloom, decay, decomposition.

Everything flows forward, then disappears.

There is not even a guarantee of how it “normally” turns out, if there is a normal and if there’s a common way of it. There are exceptions to every normal.

Sometimes the process of life blooming, then fading back….

….ends just after the gestation period, or the bud dies before blossoming.

Humans die as babies, I notice. As children, I notice. At all ages.

Anywhere along the way, something might happen to stop the direction, or change the course of events.

So there we are, demanding, yelling, having a tantrum about the state of affairs. Shouting until we’re blue in the face.

Having a hissy fit about that person, this condition, our possessions, our situation, even our states of peace or enlightenment!

Not good enough! Not THERE yet!

And our yelling will never do anything. Ever.

“Argue with reality, and you lose….but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

The bud stays closed until time, light, life force all come together in the perfect moment for it to open up.

It has very little to do with what we want, or don’t want.

Have you noticed?

Wait….you mean if I want a younger, unhurt body that’s not going through menopause….or to have a million bucks in my savings account…..or to be more successful in my career….or to already have published my book….or my dad to be alive….

….I might be setting myself up for suffering?

Yup.

Who would you be without your story?

Laughing, I bet.

Much love, Grace