Category: Relationships

Posted on

Forget perfection…the broken cook

Next awesome retreat on the menu:  Abundance, Desire and The Work Retreat. A weekend to discover what we really want.  March 25-27, 2016 Seattle.
*******
cook
Don’t evolve yourself beyond your own evolution. If you can’t or don’t cook….accept reality.

I admit it.

I’d like to be like Someone Awesome.

You know that person out there, who is genius at doing something you want to do?

That person you admire?

Maybe you keep it secret, to yourself.

But you know, they’re so cool and have lots of…..(fill in the blank) and you wish you could be that way, too.

Except.

The urge for perfection is tricky….and not so very happy.

It’s very stressful to consider yourself less than perfect, less than the ideal version you see in your mind’s eye, whether it’s you or someone else you think is (or could be) better.

The thing is, this “ideal” version can always float in the background, no matter how advanced, or evolved, or improved you become.

The other day, my mom stopped by for a visit.

She had texted a few hours before, so I knew she was coming.

Mostly, my thoughts were thrilled. I hadn’t seen her in a month since she’d been traveling through Israel and Jordan with a large group on a long-awaited adventure. I couldn’t wait to ask her about her trip.

And then I had the thought, only about 20 minutes before she arrived when I opened my fridge and stared into it….

….oh no.

It’s going to be supper time.

Shoot.

It would be polite to offer….well….dinner.

She said she’d be visiting around 5:20 pm and needed to be at her band practice at 7:00 pm.

It sounds like dinner time.

Oops. Panic. Dang it.

Sure enough…..just 20 minutes later she entered my living room, took off her coat and said, “You got anything to eat? I only have a protein bar in my car. I’m a little off on the time zone.”

There is no better way to reveal my imperfection than with cooking and meal preparation.

Yes, I do teach eating peace. I am that same person.

I teach peaceful eating, mindful eating. Twenty years ago I binge-ate and obsessed about too much or not enough or what’s right with food, and now I feel far more normal when it comes to intake and output, hunger and fullness.

But that’s with feeling the right amount.

As in, I feel hungry, I eat. I feel full, I stop.

I am sooooo happy with this situation.

I don’t exactly care that much about cooking. Or dishes. Or recipes. Or what goes with what.

I just notice I enjoy eating (never the case before because it was fraught with so much agony and conflict) and I like it right there. No intense passion for flavors or menus or anything like that. I honestly can’t be bothered or get myself to focus on planning meals.

Not even close.

So my mother says she’s hungry and my mind is already thinking “You knew this would happen, what’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you race to the store?”

I make black sticky rice (we always have packages of sticky rice from Uwajimaya Grocery Store in the cupboard) and steamed broccoli.

My mom is a kind of health nut.

I have grated cheese for a topping. That should be OK. I hope.

Now, already, a day later….this is all kind of funny.

But soooo serious yesterday.

Worry. Not perfect. Screwed up on dinner hour awareness. Not a good cook.

Bad.

…..Time for inquiry…..

Who would I be without the belief that the very best most perfect version of me would whip up a little supper meal in an instant and please my mother thoroughly?

Who would I be without the belief that I should know how, and want, to cook dinner?

Who would I be without the belief that I should like something I don’t like?

People feel worried about this not with just meal-making, but partners, jobs, houses, vacation plans, their bodies.

You dream of the other ideal Someone Better you wish you could be.

Who would you be without the belief that what you like and want should be true?

Oh.

You mean, like if yesterday I thought….”I’ve got rice and broccoli and cheese….but even that, I don’t want to hover over in the kitchen. Who wants to watch the stove…anyone??”

I could ask for what I want.

I could laugh.

Yesterday, the “bad dinner” was so serious.

It really, was!

Until I questioned my thoughts of perfection and the ideal version of Grace the cook.

Turning the thought around: In that exact moment and situation, I should be just as I was. With just those ingredients in my fridge. Standing with my mother at that exact dinner hour. Wanting to please and offer supper, and not feeling up to the job.

Hmmmm.

How could this be true, or truer?

That was the reality.

I notice…..everyone lived.

“Forget your perfect offering 
There is a crack, a crack in everything 
That’s how the light gets in.”
~ Leonard Cohen 

Today she wrote me a note…..

…..”thanks for the great supper last night!”

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Peace Talk this week. A little lighter topic: Life and Death.

Posted on

Bring the truth home about love–The Cleanse day #3

the freedom of questioning love….it grows

On a third day anywhere new, most people begin to feel more at home.

The basics are handled.

If I’m staying someplace for 3 days, by then I know where the bathrooms are, the closest places to get food or water, the quiet areas, where I can run or walk or exercise, what the neighborhood is like where I’m staying.

Being at the Cleanse, I’ve also found that my own mind after three days listening to The Work relaxes, opens, becomes comfortable with unraveling itself.

Willing to slow down, to stop.

To love what is.

Yesterday we heard from a woman whose daughter was murdered, a man who believed his wife kicks him when he’s down, and an incredible restaurant owner who has felt agony because of factory farms for meat, GMOs and corporations.

Another woman also investigated the belief that her son hates school, and a daughter did The Work on her needy elderly mother.

In the middle of all this powerful inquiry….

….Katie gave us all an exercise.

Do a positive worksheet, rather than the customary “negative” worksheet where you capture negative and stressful thoughts about a situation on paper.

Wow, how fascinating!

I have found, over the years, that ultimately what self-inquiry offers is the freedom to question all thought. Even thoughts that seem positive.

Anything the mind perceives can be questioned. It’s a more fluid, wild, magical world this way.

But I had never done Katie’s exercise.

She guided everyone through:

Remember a moment in time when you felt love for someone.

You said “I love you”.

Picture that moment vividly.

I pictured a sweet moment with my daughter. I saw images flashing through of my husband, my son, my mom, my sisters, my friends.

I tell a lot of people I love them. I feel my heart surge and I am deeply touched. I also hear “I love you” from a lot of people, too.

I felt no stress with thinking of this kind of moment, at least that’s what I thought initially.

But I love that Katie made the suggestion. She wanted us to consider the freedom of not having to know what’s going on, or to label something “love”.

The idea of love certainly does seem to cause a lot of turmoil in peoples’ lives. I felt very willing to go along with the exercise.

So….let’s take a closer look right now.

Is it true that you loved that person?

Simply notice. If you said “yes” can you absolutely know it’s true?

Are you sure you loved that person?

It’s totally OK to still say “yes”.

I found as I sat slowly with the inquiry…..I’m not even sure. Do I even know what love is? How do I know to say it? Why do I say it to some people, and not others? What is it I have to know about someone, or feel about them, in order to say it?

How do you react when you believe “I love you!”

People called out from the audience how they reacted. They said what they pictured, what they hoped for, what they expected, what they dreamed of when they said “I love you”.

Maybe you want to hear “I love you” back. Maybe you’re expressing your pleasure and approval of that person. Maybe you’re hoping this moment will last forever. Maybe you want that person to know they are loved, so they feel good (and you feel good).

Amazing to consider what love actually means.

Huh.

Imagine not knowing exactly what “love” is?

I suddenly became aware of love being a deep warmth, an energy, something present all the time, with everyone, and everything….and inexplicable. Not definable. Mysterious. Not attached to specific people.

Woah.

Wow.

So who would you be without the belief “I love you” in that situation?

People called out from the audience again.

Free. Expansive. Full of joy.  Not obligated. No expectations. Satisfied. Grounded.

At peace.

Turning the thought around: I love myself. I do not love you. I love everyone. I love. I.

 

For some reason, this was the way my turnarounds unfolded.

 

I considered them all, wondering about them, saying them out loud. Finding examples of them. Feeling how they could be just as true, or truer, in this world of duality.

It’s been very true that I don’t love you when you say something mean or frightening, or act crazy or troubling. I don’t love you when you leave me. I don’t love you when you criticize me. I don’t love you when I feel pain in our relationship.

Was it really love, then?

It had conditions….is that love?

“Personalities don’t love-they want something.” ~ Byron Katie

Katie’s said it before, but she said it again yesterday during the exercise.

Turning it around again: I love myself, in that situation when I say I love you to someone.

I’m always supporting (or trying to) what’s best for me, and my relationship to the universe, and this is all I can do really.

Everywhere I go, I’m there. I’m always there!

I am my best companion–there’s nothing I can actually do about it!

Another turnaround: I love everyone. I love life. I love humanity. I love this incredible world, this astonishing journey.

And then….there is no “you” and no “me” and no specific thing called “love” that is special in only that moment with me being the one doing it and saying it’s true.

Love is.

Everywhere. Any time.

With everyone.

And when it’s not….The Work.

“Bring the truth home to yourself and begin to set yourself free. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

Posted on

Cut your heart out without anesthesia

an ouchy story, worth questioning---are you sure it's true?
an ouchy story, worth questioning—are you sure it’s true?

The other day the Year of Inquiry group had a powerful investigation of primary love relationships.

The kind where people choose to commit, marry, move in together, share resources.

The initial idea offered up for inquiry, so very stressful:

Relationships hurt.

I love the way Big General Ideas can lead to powerful deep contemplation on your own personal belief-system.

That’s why I always have a “topic” in Year of Inquiry.

Because, if you’re not sure where to begin around what bothers you i in your life, you can often find Big General Situations you find distressing, uncomfortable, or horrifying.

They’re happening right now, in the news, right?

So the other day, we were looking at relationships in general.

Have you ever thought “this relationship is so painful”.

About ANY relationship you’ve had in your life?

You’d almost be strange if you didn’t have that thought.

The mind LOVES generalizations.

It loves to have one experience….THAT relationship….and begin to find proof of all the other relationships that also hurt.

Like Romeo and Juliet for example. They sure were screwed up in a tragedy of errors, weren’t they?

(See how we can get started on that story over there, not the one right here, in our own heart?)

Thoughts will start floating through, or zapping at you like lightening bolts.

  • All love relationships suck.
  • Love stories are all fairy tales.
  • Those who get married never stay together (and people should stay together).
  • All teenagers are hard to live with.
  • In-laws are torturous.
  • Mothers are HUGELY stressful. They influence us so greatly. So do dad’s (if they were around….they should have been by the way).
  • Friends betray you. Or don’t have enough time. Can only do so much.
  • Bosses are so often difficult, and co-workers, because you HAVE to deal with them daily in order to go to your job, which you depend on to survive.
  • Siblings compete with you. They’ll ditch you in a second.

I could go on.

Do you see how everything I just wrote, having to do with relating to others, has a big wide grand all-time statement in it about life with other people?

Mind loves this kind of general prejudice.

Here’s what I’ve noticed within myself:

Something happens where I felt pain. My heart broke. I felt grief, agony, sadness, loss. I felt frustration, anger. Maybe I couldn’t ask for what I wanted, or get it. Maybe I felt the desperation of someone I cared about going downhill, fast. Maybe I couldn’t get my basic needs met, for example, as a kid…..or right now, in my current life.

But then my mind tries to gather it all together and make a conclusion.

My thinking (always a few beats AFTER the experience has already happened) makes an observation, then holds it up against other situations that are almost exactly the same (or close) and says….

….You need to stay away from “x” (person’s name).

Then just to be safe, the mind also says to not only stay away from that person who hurt you, but also ALL OTHER PEOPLE LIKE them.

So you can be prepared.

Not that there’s anything wrong with being prepared….but you already ARE prepared, and you didn’t even ask for it.

It just happened that way.

You experienced what you did, by humans bumping up into each other, and you got prepared by being thrown in the pool. Your heart was broken. The people who reared you were in huge pain and suffering and knew no other way themselves.

Your thoughts will say….

Must. Be. Very. Careful.

And then if you even smell a whiff of that “kind” of person again, you’re outta here!

That “kind of person” who hurt you in the past, this is what they are like and I know it:

They have no regard for others…..yeah, that’s right! They vote Republican. Or Democrat. They have long hair. They smoke. They go to that kind of place on Sundays. They live in this kind of area. They dress in those kinds of clothes. They go to this kind of school. They say these kinds of words.

But the thing is….

….if you keep your thoughts hugely general like this, you won’t really ever get to the inner inquiry. Or it will be trickier potentially.

Nothing’s impossible, but you may want to follow the simple directions and slow what you’re picturing way, way, way down and look at just one thing that’s frightening you very closely.

So you ponder what troubles you about humanity, about human relationships.

So you derail the GENERAL category movement that the mind loves so much.

“The mind loves general…it doesn’t have to land.” ~ Byron Katie at 2008 – 2009 New Year’s Cleanse.

So consider as you narrow down your list of proof for why those relationships hurt….

….the relationships who have hurt YOU.

Just you.

Those are the ones you want to focus on.

If you have someone in your life who is suffering, and it makes you super crazy nervous because it seems like they’re going down in flames….

….where have YOU gone down in flames?

What makes you so nervous about that person being that way?

What are you trying to avoid?

What is it you never want to go through again?

That friend who is going through divorce? Why does it really bother you? What’s the worst that could happen…..for YOU?

Or that brother who is in a new relationship that in your opinion is lousy?

Why? What’s the actual problem, for you personally?

Picture your worst case scenario.

Picture it, for your own sake.

Get specific.

This is YOUR life and YOUR inquiry we’re talking about, not someone else’s.

Instead of generalizing all over the canyons and valleys and spouting off what would be best for other people, notice what fear is sparked inside of you, what you’re afraid of, when you see something you fear.

Then….you’re on to your own story.

Which is the one that counts.

Today, as you consider what you don’t like about other peoples’ experience out there…..

…..let yourself see why not.

Then you can really truly inquire in a way that makes a difference, for you.

And when you do THAT….

….wow.

Look out.

“At first, inquiry may seem more than you can handle; you may feel as if it is cutting your heart open without anesthesia….You are still identifying as a you, and you begin to see that you yourself are all the people you found unkind, brutal, stupid, crazy, greedy, despicable, and this is so painful that sometimes you don’t think you can bear it. As it keeps inquiring, the mind continues to understand that it is its only enemy and that the world is entirely its projection, that it is alone, that there is no other, and that this is absolute.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy pg. 233

Keep going.

It is not more than you can handle, to feel and see the terrible situations “out there”.

They are a part of you, of us.

Find your enemy. Question it.

You can bear it. You can.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

This is boring

noactionrequired
you need to do something to get this party started, are you sure?

I was reading and preparing for my Peace program that starts later this morning.

I’ve been reading on why people act compulsively for several decades now, to tell you the truth.

Because I suffered so much when I did stuff like smoke, overeat, drink, think, seek, grab.

It’s not news to me that sometimes I’ve decided to watch a movie because I feel the freedom of empty time, but hemmed in by my own demands of myself.

Write the thing! Get it done! Write the thing!

You don’t have time to watch the Martian!

(Blah blah blah).

Almost always, my belief systems appear to be supporting two Grand Ideas.

1) Not Enough.

2) Too Much.

Usually, these have to do with feelings.

Feeling like there’s not enough peace, love, relaxation, gentleness, nurturing, happiness, contact.

Feeling like there’s too much fear, anxiety, irritation, worry, darkness, unhappiness, tragedy.

But the other day, as I found myself absolutely joyfully blissed out at an awesome house party for a wonderful friend who turned 70 (without a substance of any kind entering my system in any compulsive way).

By comparing that moment of joy with humanity….to the moment I think there’s not enough….I remembered that sometimes, sometimes when I’m alone….

….a thought comes through that says….

….wait for it….

….this is boring.

This is it? says my brain.

Really?

This all you got for me, Reality? Seriously?

Come. On.

Like a Mean Girl.

But, I admit, it’s there anyway, even though it is so immature, self-centered, and shows how much I am seeking entertainment from This World (which I should probably call My World in that kind of moment, if I’m being totally honest).

Have you ever called a situation, or a person, or life….boring?

I know, it feels like you’re twelve.

OK, six.

But let’s look anyway.

That’s what inquiry is all about…after all.

(It’s called, becoming more mature and wise by starting with where you are, but I’m getting ahead of myself).

That person, or that quiet moment, is soooooooo *BORING*!!

Is that true?

Yeah!!!

Same house, same people, same neighborhood, same obsessive tendencies, same stories, same complaints, same way of saying hello to me, same clothes, same repetitive need to buy groceries and pay the mortgage bill and do the laundry, same business goals, same trying, same family dynamics. Same, same.

Same.

(I love the way the mind makes things really huge and wide, like so big they are statements about All Of Life, for All Time).

Can you absolutely know it’s true the thing you think is boring, actually IS boring?

Are you sure?

Oh. Um.

No.

Not at all.

I’ve found an empty silence in my own familiar living room on a Friday night the most remarkable place I’ve ever been, or felt. I’ve been on totally silent retreats with zero talking and smells coming alive, sights of nature astonishing me, staring at people with wonder.

Kind of weird, but it’s been true.

But in THIS moment….my neighbor telling me her same story over again about her cat is definitely boring.

Maybe.

Hmmm.

Rats.

NO!!! I can’t know she’s absolutely positively boring!!

I can’t know that if my mind says…..”boring”…..

….it is true.

Dang it.

How do you react when you think something, or someone, is boring?

Frustrated. Looking. Shouting “change the channel!!!”

Hunting around for a little somethin-somethin.

You know what you do when you think something’s boring.

I used to do eating. Now, I do more subtle things like work on my business, or write, or read spiritual books, or watch spiritual teacher lectures, or plan my next program.

But who would you be without your belief?

Who would you be in the very moment you think…(boring!)…whether you speak it out loud or just notice something moving away from the moment?

Who would you BE?

No thought that this is boring.

Hold still, consider it.

Look around the moment.

Woman talking about her cat, showing me her cat, leaning in to have me pet her cat.

What is your moment?

Without the belief, in that moment, I notice gentle quiet energy, soooo sweet. I notice ideas about what else is happening over there in the house, and that’s OK too. I notice a genuine and very slow impulse to now move back into the house, to go over there, not here. I notice dear faces, openness, kindness. I notice silence.

You may find, without your belief that someone is boring, that you turn in another direction. Or you laugh. Or you lean closer to that person, with tenderness. Or you reach out to pet.

What’s it like to not have the thought that life is boring?

It happens…..life without that thought.

Just when you least expect it, have you noticed?

Dream Song
Life, friends, is boring. We must not say so.   
After all, the sky flashes, the great sea yearns,   
we ourselves flash and yearn,
and moreover my mother told me as a boy   
(repeatingly) ‘Ever to confess you’re bored   
means you have no
Inner Resources.’ I conclude now I have no   
inner resources, because I am heavy bored.
Peoples bore me,
literature bores me, especially great literature,   
Henry bores me, with his plights & gripes   
as bad as achilles,
who loves people and valiant art, which bores me.   
And the tranquil hills, & gin, look like a drag   
and somehow a dog
has taken itself & its tail considerably away
into mountains or sea or sky, leaving            
behind: me, wag.
by John Berryman
 

It’s all so beautiful, and changing, and brilliant as a bonfire in the dark November rain.

Turning it around: I bore myself, in this moment of boredom. I am boring. My mind is boring. My thoughts are boring.

But I am pretty exciting.

I am much more than these thoughts, these little repetitive beliefs.

Me, wag. Me, exciting. Me, wagging.

You too. All of us.

Nothing missing, no one left behind, nothing out of order, nothing more required.

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Feeling Stuck when you need to say “no” to someone?

darkness
bad things can happen if you say “no”….are you sure?

Wow, another meetup! Saturday, November 21st 2-4 pm in Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage.

Good time of year to do The Work even more, right?

Also, last chance to join Eating Peace the powerful online program that begins tomorrow to address inner angst and lack of peace when it comes to consuming. Eating Peace is 12 weeks of Tuesday Presentations and Wednesdays in The Work. We always meet from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time (both days). Everything is recorded if you need to miss.

This is the last time I’ll offer Eating Peace at this fee. When you join, you get access to Eating Peace for life, every time I offer it. Yes, you read that correctly.

*******

Yesterday I was talking with a dear friend.

About his need to say “no” to his parents.

He’s a young adult in his mid-twenties, but as I spoke with him, I thought….

….his age probably doesn’t really matter, not really.

His parents were asking him lots of questions about his life, his career, his goals, his intentions, his direction.

But I’ve talked with plenty of older adults who still thought their parents were nosey, or asked too much, or requested too much information.

If it’s not parents, you might still relate to someone in your life peppering you with questions, or inviting you over, or wanting to spend time, or suggesting you see this movie, or buy that good deal, or get a job at their place of employment.

I once had someone in a class I offered come up at every single break and ask me questions.

I started wanting to duck out the back door.

She should leave me alone!

This is what the young man thought about his parents.

We laugh in the movies about this kind of character who doesn’t get the hint and comes over at awkward hours, or calls at the crack of dawn, or barges into our office when the door was shut with a Do Not Disturb hanging in broad daylight.

What is UP with that person?

Can’t they see I’m trying to have some silence, take a break, get some down time?

What is wrong with them that they would have so many questions?

(I love how the mind will decide something is wrong…with them…because they have questions you don’t want to answer).

What if you could hold on to yourself, as couples therapist David Schnarch so famously puts it….

….no matter WHAT that person is doing, saying, asking, or acting like?

One way to get to your truth, is to see why it is you don’t want to tell it.

So….why don’t you want to tell the truth?

The truth that you don’t feel like talking right now, you don’t want to have a conversation until later, you don’t want to go to that movie, your answer is “no”?

I can’t say “no”! They’ll get hurt, disappointed! They’ll call me two-faced, or someone who isn’t clear. They’ll be upset. They’ll say I led them on. They’ll criticize me for changing my mind. They’ll be so disappointed!

A great way to work with this kind of anxious thinking, about what will happen if you simply tell the truth and tell them your answer, is to imagine it really happens.

Ugh.

They ARE hurt.

They ARE mad.

They HATE you.

Is it true?

Are you sure it’s true?

How do you react when you believe you MUST avoid hurting someone’s feelings in any way possible, or disappointing them, or concerning them?

How do you react when you believe you CAN hurt their feelings?

Careful.

So careful, you might not even know how you feel about something anymore, yourself.

So careful you might feel you have no preferences, you’re completely easy-going, and it’s a terrible risk to reveal you disagree or want to say no to someone you love.

Terrified of the results, the rejection.

I used to be like this.

Honestly, I still get surprised by peoples’ requests sometimes. I don’t have an answer right away all the time.

But it used to take me so long, I would feel stuck in a vice of indecision.

All to avoid that terrible “no” which would then “hurt” this other person.

Who would you be without the belief that the person who has asked you for something will be upset if you say “no”?

Who would you be without the belief that if they DO act upset, you were wrong, bad or a horrible person? Or that you’ll be rejected?

Wow.

You mean….not knowing what the outcome would be, just going with my honest answer?

Holy moly.

It’s so much freedom, and as I said, so different from the way I lived in the past, I still find it odd at times.

Not trying to manipulate any outcome…..including the outcome that seems “kind” which is that they are happy, not disappointed, not hurt, and comfortable?

Wow again.

I turn the thought around: I can’t hurt their feelings with my answer. I can hurt my own feelings, by believing I have the power to hurt theirs. They can hurt my feelings with their responses (when I believe they need to like me, or be happy).

The young man I was speaking with reminded me of a poem.

What if freedom is the greatest movement of all, inside yourself, inside others?

Free to be exactly as you are, without dreading what will happen next.

Give it a try.

“…The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone 
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.”
~ David Whyte from his poem Sweet Darkness

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Question other’s lack of appreciation, and become….priceless

alone
Spared from the desire for love, approval and appreciation….you are the act of appreciation itself

Yesterday the Year of Inquiry group looked at a thought that is so repetitive within the human psyche, it’s rather stunning:

That person does not appreciate me.

How do you know?

There are so many ways we know….where to begin?!!

I see them hugging someone else, not me. I hear about them eating lunch with another friend, they’ve never invited me before. I overhear them talking about how brilliant someone is, and they’ve never said anything like this about me. I see them kissing someone else, and I thought we were in an exclusive romance. 

I watch them leaning towards someone from across the room, and I think they don’t appear that interested when talking to me. They don’t call me back. They don’t ask my opinion. They say “no” to me. They don’t give me money. They stare at their screen, instead of me. They engage in addiction, even though I asked them to stop. I don’t get a raise.They don’t clean up. They don’t touch me. They don’t say they love me. They never reply to my emails. 

I could go on and on with what I’ve thought or heard from others, or seen in the movies.

People get so disturbed by the evidence of non-appreciation.

It’s almost overwhelming, and infinite.

But let’s look a little closer at this belief, this feeling of not being appreciated.

I once was getting to know a man. He was a friend and a romantic interest.

We talked like friends. Many hours on the phone for several months.

One day he told me about his plans to go to a summer festival where he would stay in a cabin with old friends, some acquaintances. He lived very far away from me, and I was neither invited nor would I have been able to attend–it had not crossed my mind as something I even wanted to do, honestly.

I had been on the phone with him during his drive into the mountains of somewhere in sunny California, on his way to the festival.

As usual for this early, fun, get-to-know-you stage of the relationship, we were laughing and flirting and telling stories about ourselves. He described the landscape.

He said “I’m about to go into territory where I think there’s no cell service, so if I don’t……”

Cut.

Silence.

LOL.

I looked forward to the likely call we would have on Monday, when he got back home and back into cell zone.

Little did I know…..

“I have something to tell you about the weekend….it’s crazy!” he said like a friend who’s excited to tell some weird and interesting, and awesome news.

“I had sex with someone, and I don’t even know her name! Isn’t that so funny and wild?!?”

(Tires screeching in my head…..followed by a huge gigantic CRASH sound).

Pause. Pause. I was catching my breath, holding it.

I uttered a weak “oh, ha ha, yeah…..crazy.”

He then launched into the story of the noticing this woman, the meeting, the connection, and the path to actual sex and how that all unfolded.

Like a girlfriend telling me about her liaison with a man for the first time, in a way she might have felt as liberating and wild, and new, and fun.

But my stomach was sick.

“Ooops, I gotta go!” I hung up the phone, reeling.

Fortunately, I knew exactly what to do.

The Work.

I had asked for my world, as far as relationships went, to be turned upside down. My old stodgy stories from, oh probably the year 1705 (and a few centuries earlier) were so full of pain and stress, and ownership, and false expectations, and lack of clarity, power, or love….

….that on the heels of divorce, I knew I wanted these stories to dissolve.

I knew they weren’t true as ideas, but obviously not in my heart and body.

They provided only suffering, and they came from some weird history that no longer made any sense (or maybe never did).

I called all my friends who could facilitate the Work, and asked them for appointments for that entire Monday and Tuesday. I called in sick to my job. Because my mind WAS sick.

I believed that man, as a new interesting friend of MINE, should want to be sexual with me and only me.

How ridiculous.

Now, stay with me here. Because this does not mean I am not interested deeply in monogamy and care and attention of a primary relationship. I’m in one now, like that. So far, I love a whole lot about the current relationship I appear to be in, and it feels wonderful and easy and very kind.

But who would I be without that thought that when someone doesn’t want this, they’re not appreciating ME?

Without the belief that it means I am being rejected as they want what they want?

At first, all I could do was to see and imagine how I would be, in that very situation, without the belief.

I couldn’t really feel it.

I could imagine a different person, like the lady next door, who didn’t care about this guy and all the dreamy ideas of being together (sigh) and how SHE might feel.

She wouldn’t be feeling like she lost something, or recognized something awful. She wouldn’t feel rejected, disappointed, unworthy, alone.

As I contemplated my work, and felt the dagger punch in my stomach subside….

….I began to use my mind and my imagination for ease, for wondering

Rather than self-torture.

Who would I be without the belief that his behavior means anything about my behavior? Without the thought this means I am unappreciated?

Wow.

Wow.

Isn’t this what I actually asked for?

Isn’t this what I wanted…..to feel freedom to come and go as I pleased and want everyone else to do the same?

Don’t I want this in every kind of relationship, not just romantic love or sexual relationships?

Clients, family, children, parents, neighbors…..can I be in deep connection with them, no matter what they do or don’t do?

Wouldn’t I want everyone to follow their heart’s desire?

I mean….they have to appreciate ME….really?

I suddenly realized it wasn’t true.

At all.

Wow. The relaxation I felt at not needing to be appreciated, at not needing to be accepted, invited, wanted, hired, cared about…..

….even though it feels tentative at times, don’t get me wrong (and then I do The Work, or ask for what I really want like a hug or a conversation).

I could see in that experience that what was truer, honestly truer, was that he should NOT appreciate me, when he’s busy appreciating someone else.

I should appreciate myself, always.

I should appreciate HIM (I did and still do, he taught me to let go and then ask for what I truly, deeply wanted and cared about at that time).

That experience led me to fading out on all those long-distance conversations that lasted hours….

….and come back to myself, in the present, without any thoughts about what would happen in the future.

Appreciation right now.

It’s worth giving up a dream for. In a very, very good way.

“If I had a prayer, it would be ‘God, spare me from seeking love, approval, or appreciation. Amen’. ” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Posted on

I made a mistake!

mistake1
how do you feel when you make a mistake?

Ack.

Don’t you hate when you mess up meeting arrangement, let someone down, screw up the plans?

Or when you have to cancel or disappoint, deliver bad news, you’re lost, you’re late, or….

….What about when you forget a date or you’re a No Show for an appointment you really care about?

I did that yesterday.

My morning was all set up for my presentation (Eating Peace, you can watch the replay here), so no individual clients were scheduled all morning. The calendar was cleared so I could teach my awesome free introduction course on the movement from war to peace when it comes to eating, food or the body (or really any compulsive repetitive deal).

When I woke up yesterday morning, full of enthusiasm for my upcoming intro webinar and making some final touches on it, I had a small (not unheard of) glitch where I needed to reboot my whole computer, turn off and on the internet, and load up my webinar slides from scratch so it was live and ready to go at the appointed hour.

Sometimes, doing something like that unexpectedly makes me a little nervous.

I want to be ready for my presentation! It needs to work!

I don’t exactly love the technical disconnects–although, I’ve had my share and they can be CRAZY and almost funny, they’re sooooo absurd sometimes. (Like when on the very first day of a huge planned long-term course you have to drive to Starbucks to connect to the internet because there’s a windstorm….which happened to me last year on the first day of Eating Peace Online, but I digress).

So after all the getting stuff in order during the morning….just before my webinar started (phew, it looked like things were going to go OK) I opened up my calendar for the day to review my schedule.

Cool. Next appointment, 1:00 pm.

Without realizing, I’m looking at the wrong week, even though it’s a Tuesday.

Same hours blocked out for Eating Peace all morning. So that didn’t throw me off.

Except if I were looking at the CORRECT day, I would see I had a lovely client at noon.

And by the way, to make matters bigger, this client and I had already rescheduled once and taken care to make this Tuesday noon Pacific Time meeting work.

So there I am going along, thinking it’s a different Tuesday a week later, and after my morning Eating Peace presentation is over….

….I head for the gym.

A few minutes into my gym bike ride, I see a message float by on my phone out of the corner of my eye.

As I catch the name, I realize….

….I have just completely missed my client, who has been waiting for me on skype.

Now, while this may not be the biggest faux-pas in the world, or a total mess with egg on your face…..

…..it’s not that normal for me, and I didn’t like it.

The client didn’t either.

(I can soooo understand this).

Here’s the great thing about having The Work buzzing within, though.

I did not feel the shame, sick feeling or worry as I once would have felt.

In the past, this incident might have made me start to wonder what I was doing.

The voice might have kicked in: I’m in the wrong profession, why don’t you pay better attention, WTF, how could I be so disorganized, why don’t you hire an assistant, I’m too non-detail oriented, what’s WRONG with you, what an idiot.

What would it be like, for you, if you made an actual mistake (I raise my hand) but you didn’t hate yourself because you did that?

This is big.

This is a huge piece of opening your mind, with self-inquiry.

Who would you actually be without the belief that you’re the problem, the one who was at fault, the one who F*c#$d up the whole thing?

Many years ago, on November 11th, 1990, I got married.

I am no longer married to the man I was partnered with that wonderful day, which was full of celebration and some excitement, and happiness. He’s the father of my two amazing children I love so much. He’s an awesome person.

It seems like it would be cool to still be married, to have not had something go “wrong”, to have not made any mistakes, to have remained “together” and pool assets and share a life.

Except, not really.

I love that story, but it is not at all required.

It is truly just a fairy tale.

I did The Work on it, about a hundred times, and now I honestly never think about that alternative “perfect” parallel universe where something called marriage happens until the end of life.

In fact, what happened was the best thing ever, for my own spiritual growth and awareness, for my own freedom.

I grew so much confidence, generosity, experience, joy, surrender, acceptance, and openness…..

….it’s hard to remember who I once was before.

Maybe everything really does happen right on time.

Even a missed appointment.

“We may be surprised at the people we find in heaven. God has a soft spot for sinners. His standards are quite low.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Much love, Grace

Posted on

I shouldn’t be judging this…..but I am

This month has so many wonderful gatherings in it, whether in person or on the phone, I’m soooo excited.

*Meetup North Seattle (at Goldilocks Cottage) Sunday, 11/8 2-4 pm.

*In-Person 8 Month Group Sundays 3-6 pm starts 11/22 (only one spot left now)

*Eating Peace free webinar Thinking Peace, Eating Peace November 8th 8:30-10 am PT

*Eating Peace Online 3 month program starts 11/17 (huge early-bird discount ends 11/10)

**************

The other day, I was watching someone in a deli while they were eating.

Have you ever found yourself gazing at people with fascination?

This person had no idea I was looking. I was waiting in line some distance away, he was facing a huge window, looking out.

The bites of food this man took were all very quick, almost like he was tossing in the finger food he was eating, some kind of chip. He then ate something that looked like chocolate covered raisins, and in between, huge fast bites of a sandwich.

He had a really big belly, I noticed, but otherwise fairly balanced in size and shape. He looked tall, but not super tall. Husky, strong.

Then I noticed the thought drift in “he’d be good-looking if not for that belly.”

And on the tail of this idea….the thought I shouldn’t think something like that.

The lack of acceptance continues!

Why don’t I just look and see, without judgment?

Do you ever notice yourself judging yourself for having a judgment?

I shouldn’t judge people for being slow. I shouldn’t judge people for being overweight. I shouldn’t judge people for being rude. I shouldn’t judge people for being controlling. I shouldn’t judge people for being needy. I shouldn’t judge people for interrupting.

I should be more accepting. All the time.

But I notice THAT thought being stressful too.

Who would you be without the belief that a) you should stop judging, and b) that you ARE judging when you think thoughts?

Can you make yourself stop thinking?

If you try….good luck with that.

Who would you be without the belief that your mind is your enemy, and it’s too judgmental?

Hmmm.

Kinda different, right?

We’re always thinking we should be super cool peaceful, accepting and gentle-minded all the time.

Embarrassing to admit the judgments….especially when we’ve learned they’re mean and persnickety and childish.

But what if you gave your childish thoughts some time, and allowed them to be heard?

Who would I be without the belief that man I watched eating would be better with a flat belly?

And, without the belief I shouldn’t notice my mind having the thought in the first place?

I may notice the great interest and attraction I have to the state of Not Grabbing, of Slowing Down.

With eating, or with anything wanted and reached for, I love calm.

I notice speed or need for anything can be questioned.

It doesn’t mean you should question it, if you enjoy and love the attraction.

How funny that it can be dropped, or fade away, through pausing and wondering if it’s true I need that thing, that item, that person, that feeling, that condition.

Turning the original thought around, that I shouldn’t judge the man’s body…..

…..I should judge it.

My mind is a thinking machine, spewing out judgments all day long.

How is it OK that I judge?

Well, I can see that this judgment is a very small part of me. It pops up out of the wide open ocean of thought. It’s not the entire truth of me (whatever that is) in that moment, watching a man eat.

It tells me what I prefer, what I don’t.

It reminds me of my own journey, and how many millions of bites of food and thoughts I took in my life that were fast and unconscious, and how stuffed my stomach sometimes became, and how desperate I once was.

There may be judgments you have, that you recognize, that simply show you which way to move.

They beam you towards what you find more appealing. It’s OK that you like and don’t like. It’s all change-able, it’s all moving constantly.

“I prefer bottled to tap water. I buy it at a gas station or a grocery store or the little shop in the hotel. I look at the brands of bottled water, curious to see which one my hand will choose, and loving that I never can know until it actually picks up the bottle. I enjoy the trip from the cooler to the cash register. The cashier is a man or a woman, young or old, white or dark or Asian. We usually exchange a few words. It isn’t a little thing. All my life I have been waiting to meet this person. I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie

My preferences, my judgments, my stressful thoughts, my pleasurable thoughts….

….all the mind’s activity, coming into light and being honored, being seen, being respected….

….I love where they take me.

Whatever kind of journey my preferences take me on, I learn, and I love.

And often, I also laugh.

Hilarious: That guy shouldn’t be eating!
Much Love,

Grace

Posted on

When your mind becomes clear, love can pour into your life

youarelove
love surrounds you, is you

Feeling attraction towards another person is sooooo fun, right?

It happens in all cultures and places in the world and in history.

We make movies about epic love stories, the ups, the downs, the angst, the fulfillment.

Humans love attraction and to fulfill the attraction towards another (and actually, towards anything wanted)….

….to move towards what they want, to connect with it, to investigate it, to explore it, learn all about it, maybe even merge with it, obtain it, get there, have it, be with it.

I mean…..there is a HUGE market in romance novels, right?

The thing is…..there’s something we all actually know that isn’t quite so fun.

We don’t like to know it.

What we know is that it can be pretty stressful on either side of that brilliant fire moment when you get what you want.

Before you get what you want, and you’re hungry. After you get what you want, and you’re full.

a) If you’re on the side of BEFORE you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: this is taking too long, I’m lonely, it’s too late, I should be farther along by now, the person I want isn’t available, I’m too shy, they won’t like me, I’m empty, I could fail, I hate waiting, this is too stressful, I’m unhappy the way it is, I won’t make it, this sucks, cry.

b) If you’re on the side of AFTER you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: now what, I’m not really satisfied, what’s next, oh no I’m never satisfied, I’m bored, this isn’t what I expected, this isn’t it, I want something else, I got it wrong, I made a mistake, there must be something more, I’ll keep going, I’ll never rest, I can’t stop now, strive, frustration.

And it seems like that luscious juicy delicious all-satisfied resting place is very short lived.

I once heard one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, talking about this. He said as a serious professional bike athlete in his past, he could relate.

An athlete trains and trains for 12 years to cross a line first. Finally the day comes. She or he wins.

Adya chuckled while speaking at this point, saying….

….the winning athlete gets 3 days, maybe a week, of absolute joyful bliss of accomplishment.

Then it’s time to move on.

Wohn-wohn-wohn.

This may be a simplistic way of putting it, and it’s not all black and white, but it’s highlighting the feeling of being attracted to something, a goal, or a person, where the sense of completeness is not yet discovered or felt.

Over here, with myself, I am empty or missing or alone.

If I had that, over THERE then I would be whole, full, found and together.

But is that actually true?

We notice the mind doesn’t ever really feel satisfied. Not the individual personal mind with a small “m”.

It’s constantly unsure.

It’s constantly looking out for what’s missing. It’s constantly thinking it needs something.

Who would you be, though, without your beliefs about LOVE?

If you couldn’t have the thought that you need more love, that you need a mate to actually become loved?

It’s the weirdest, most opposite thought to the dream of what all the love songs are about.

It’s not NORMAL to be satisfied and feel love, connection, presence, wholeness right here.

Except….what if it was?

What if you could sit here, this instant, and turn this whole crazy something-is-missing festival into a love-is-here festival?

Is there something besides your disappointed mind, or your anxious thoughts, that can notice the room you’re in right now?

How does your body feel while you read these words?

What else is surrounding you?

What if you took a deep, deep breath right now, and felt the love pouring into your body through the life force of oxygen?

What if now was enough, enough, enough….

….what would this feel like? What would you walk like? How would you behave today? What would you say? What would you do?

Turning all the thoughts around to the opposite:

This is taking just the right amount of time, I’m connected, it’s not too late, I should be exactly where I am, anything is available to me, I’m not too shy, they like me, I can’t fail, I love pausing, this is exciting, I’m happy the way it is, I will make it, this is awesome, I relax….

….now is sweet, I’m really satisfied, what’s next, my thinking is never satisfied (and I am), I’m entertained, this is better than I expected, this is it, I want this, I got it right, I made a correction, there must be something less, I’ll keep going, I’ll always rest, I can stop now, relax.

This could all be just as true or truer, whether you think you need a lover, a million dollars, to achieve “x”.

Whether it’s true love or spiritual enlightenment, what if this moment here was enough?

“Love is what you are already. Love doesn’t seek anything. It’s already complete. It doesn’t want, doesn’t need, has no shoulds. It already has everything it wants, it already is everything it wants, just the way it wants it…..Seeking love is how you lose the awareness of love. But you can only lose the awareness of it, not the state. That’s not an option, because love is what we all are. That’s immovable.When you investigate your stressful thinking and your mind becomes clear, love pours into your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” ~ Byron Katie

In this present moment, I love the sights I have on the horizon. The things I imagine will be fun and wonderful when I arrive there.
But I also know, just like you, that thing we already know.
That it doesn’t really matter if I get there. At all.
The grand experience of peace can only be with letting go of the outcome, the idea of the way it will be someday, later on.
This doesn’t mean if you actually feel alone that you don’t pick up the phone and talk with a good friend, and study your aloneness. It doesn’t mean laying in bed all day (unless it is what is called for in the body). It’s doesn’t mean feeling negatively resigned to never getting “it”. It doesn’t mean dropping your writing schedule as you write your book.
It is noticing what is here, rather than focusing on what is not. It is noticing the nothingness rather than the content of what is passing.

 

It is feeling the love pouring in through the air, the floor you’re standing on, the chair you’re sitting in, the teenager walking past you, the window you’re looking out of, the skin touching the door knob, the warm chest of a friend you’re hugging.

 

And when you feel this way, right NOW….

 

….do you think it might be more possible, or less possible, to experience that luscious juicy all-satisfied fire spark Ah-Ha place?

 

Just saying.
Much Love, Grace
Posted on

Never heard from her (or him) again?

if they aren't answering or calling back....The Work
if they aren’t answering or calling back….The Work

Have you ever had a relationship end on a slightly sour note….

….or a slammed door with no speaking for a long, long time?

Ouch.

Several years ago, I didn’t understand why a really good friend of mine wasn’t responding to my emails.

At first I noticed, but didn’t worry.

She was a strong, independent, outspoken, fairly opinionated person. Super direct.

She ran her own business, had a pretty tight calendar, and sometimes had even reminded me of a good military personality, like the boss of the event, the one in charge, the one running the meeting.

Those qualities can be spectacular and useful, depending on the situation.

Sometimes, these qualities can be a bit icy.

I didn’t push or consider it much, until I had thought “wait, I haven’t heard from her in a super long time, come to think of it.”

I checked to see if I really did email her.

Yes, it showed up in my Sent files.

I sent another quick one out letting her know I’d love to hear from her and it seemed about time to connect and catch up.

Nada.

After a few more weeks, and a few consultations with good friends, I decided to give her a call.

I got her voicemail.

Nothing back.

This time, I consulted deeply with a few people whose advice I would appreciate, like my mom.

I went over the past several months, as if looking to see if I missed anything about what would make her unable to call or email, or unwilling.

There were a few educated guesses.

And what I got from these thoughtful conversations was that I loved this friend dearly, was worried about her, wondered if there was something amiss.

I called again, got the voicemail again, and left a long message (it got cut off) and called again to complete the message, including how much I loved and cared about her and if she needed to share anything at all with me, I was open to hear it.

A week or so later, she sent me an email saying “I’m soooo busy, thanks for your sweet message, I just don’t think I’ll be available until a couple of months from now because x, y, z.”

OK.

A bit odd.

But nothing else I could really do.

I shrugged.

I never heard from her again.

Last week, during another Year of Inquiry telesession, I was remembering that period of time where silence ensued.

The experience of asking a question, and the person not answering. Making a call, and the person not calling back. Sending a letter, and not hearing a response. Reaching out, and getting no reply.

This can happen even with strangers, in business situations, in workplace communication, and with close family.

Silence.

Hello?

Anyone there?

What a great moment for The Work.

Who would you be without your belief that someone should respond to your question, card, note, text, call?

Who would you be without your beliefs about what it means?

Free to express yourself honestly, with kindness and love, and then let it go.

During that time of no-response, I knew something was up (I learned later what it was and have shared about this in other Grace Notes.)

I had no idea this friend was suffering the way she was, and that she was frightened of me (or who she thought I was).

But since I had The Work, instead of getting angry or hiding my fear, I left a deeply honest message, with my heart racing and my armpits sweating bullets….

….and I told her how much I loved her and wanted to make contact.

That was the real truth of it.

Without The Work, I might have avoided, let it fade away, been sad and always felt like a victim.

What if you turned your thought around: I should call them back, I should contact them, I need to reach out, I need to express or communicate with them, I need to be with me, this silence is pleasant, beautiful, sweet, they do not need to go faster, this is a lovely, perfect pace, I need to be with me, I should call myself back.

Yes, I can contact me, right here, noticing the beauty of silence.

I can hold this other person’s qualities with appreciation in my heart, and open to how it is just as good not hearing from them as hearing from them.

I might notice what I truly really want, and enjoy, in this lack of communication.

Quiet.

“For underneath all the words, underneath all the sounds, the complex stories, the agreements and disagreements, the shared history, the hopes of a tomorrow, there is a love here with no name, a silence which cannot be disturbed, a timeless intimacy in its infancy that is ever-present and fresh, a deep rest that endures even after the passing of the impermanent body. Love is stronger than death. May we always meet in this deathless space we call Now.” ~ Jeff Foster

Even when the person has not died, but is somewhere unknown and not communicating with you….

….you can meet in the space of love, right now.

Send them kindness, tenderness, and acceptance, and give yourself the very same.

If you’ve done the best you can, trust reality.

Much Love, Grace