I have been planning on driving the 90 minutes north on the freeway for several months to see and hear this man speak!!
It’s already planned! We’re leaving at 3 in the afternoon! I have the whole afternoon/evening blocked off! I’m getting my car oil changed just to drive the 80 miles north!
There’s a picture in my head.
I get in the car with my daughter. We have a smooth drive north, greeting my son at his apartment, going to get some yummy dinner somewhere, and then going to the university campus to hear the inspiring and curious man talk.
I just finished his book on the airplane a month ago, reading, reading, reading…..(Die Wise by Stephen Jenkinson).
The whole flight from London to Vancouver I was loving that book.
Pausing to put the book down, eyes tearing up, considering the awesome topic: Death.
I didn’t know he would sell out an entire auditorium!
Where was this announced? Why wasn’t I informed?
Who’s organizing things around here?
(They did it wrong since I am not on the list for entry–chuckle).
Here comes the little voice within. A high-pitched protest, and honestly I can’t even hardly muster more than a split second of arguing with what is, but it is there.
Yes, it is there.
This news.
It all happens in literally about 3 seconds.
Reading the words SOLD OUT.
A flare goes up.
The next thoughts of solving the “problem”.
Who is selling the tickets? Is there a box office? What if I try to buy a ticket from someone who can’t use theirs, on my way in…..like for rock concerts or the Seahawks?
But I have two young adult children I want to go WITH me and THEY want to go, too. Three tickets is harder than one. But I could go alone if its that frickin’ important.
Think, think, think. (Blah, blah, blah).
Outcomes of future image possibilities flashing behind my eyes.
I research a moment, send one email.
She replies back…..yep…..SOLD OUT. Sorry ‘bout that.
But here’s the wonderful thing about inquiry.
No trying to make anything happen, or trying to make the outcome different….
….the thought simply arises like a balloon over the whole flurry of “this is not good”….
….maybe I’m meant to stay home Thursday next week.
Or, maybe I still drive to visit my son, with my daughter, and we have dinner and wander on over to the venue just to see, no expectations. And we get home at a reasonable hour if there’s no chance to hear the lecture.
Who knows?
I relax.
Let’s see where this goes.
Maybe I’ve been spared, for all I know.
Who would you be without the belief that what you want is the best for you, next Thursday?
I mean, seriously?
I notice this same author is coming back to my area in the northwest US next spring. I notice I am not teaching a retreat or workshop that day.
I notice the event is the same topic, but six hours instead of two.
Maybe I’ll go.
But it’s not required, I also notice.
Why do I think being in this author’s presence sounds so thrilling?
(You can do this work if you have a crush on someone, or want to go to a workshop with someone you admire, or feel left out at work, or want to be praised by your boss….anything).
Why do I want to go?
Well. I love contemplating existence, and non-existence, and caring for others who are in pain or dying. I love contemplating my own departure from this form.
I love opening to life, and death, and temporary, and permanent.
I think he knows a lot about these things. He’s hung out with a lot of people who are “dying”. I got to do that, too, for five years.
So my energy gravitated naturally towards spending time in a contemplation with someone else, and a whole room full of people, all of whom want to lean all the way in to this inquiry about life and death, and wise-ness.
It sounds wonderful.
So why do you want to hang out with the person you’ve got an eye on?
Turn the thought around: I need to buy a ticket to an event with myself next Thursday. I do not neeeeeeeeeed to buy a ticket to see the author next Thursday. I need to buy a ticket to whatever Thursday is, wherever I am, and whoever I’m actually with.
These are just as true, or truer.
I need to contemplate death, and life, and laughter, and tears.
I do not need to go, unless I do (and so far, it’s not at all necessary, obviously).
Do you notice, when you turn something around like this, that your mind might say “but, it’s not as fun or good or enlightening or sexy or pleasurable when it’s me, myself and I”?
Are you sure?
“Skip the middle man!” ~ Byron Katie
Next Thursday, since the afternoon is already blocked off on my calendar (for like, two months, may I remind you)….
….since my calendar is blocked off….how could I enter an evening of open contemplation and curiosity about death, hospice, declining body, exiting, and my own deepest knowing that I will die wise?
Hmmmm, this could be really good, no matter what.
“The master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.
I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.
(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).
So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth?
I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.
(How will I know what’s true if I don’t have a mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)
But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.
To notice you ARE the freedom.
Today, as it happens sometimes, not only was an individual client questioning thoughts about speaking up, but the Year of Inquiry group was as well.
We looked at the concept: “she shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone”.
I could find a situation immediately where a co-worker spoke up to our boss during a meeting, saying something about me I felt very embarrassed about….”Grace comes in late all the time, and makes lots of mistakes.”
She shouldn’t have said that.
I remember the feeling I had. The red hot face, the shame, the absolute rage at her later on.
Inside my head I was saying “I HATE HER!!!”
And to my friends, too.
Who would I be without the belief that co-worker so long ago shouldn’t have accused me, shouldn’t have said that?
Noticing how very safe I was, and supported. Noticing how kind our supervisor was, and clear. Noticing I never got fired, or reprimanded badly, and I got a raise later on and cleaned up my schedule and my too-speedy work.
She called me, in fact, to a more confident, clear, directed version of ME.
She should have said that.
Woah. True.
Turning the thought around again: I shouldn’t have said that.
The inquirer on our group call said “Well, I didn’t say anything!” So her examples were more about what she said to others, or said in her own mind, or said to herself.
But then we found a really juicy other turnaround, that very much fit in this particular situation: I shouldn’t have stayed quiet.
Who was believing, immediately, without question, that she was wrong, or being shamed, or being charged with a crime, or stupid, or hated?
That was ME.
The fear was immediate and burned deeply…..I am not good enough, she doesn’t like me, something terrible is going to happen, I can’t speak up.
None of these things were ever said out loud, at all.
Ever.
Just a few simple other words (which in my case were completely accurate).
If you’re the type of person who is too quiet, sometimes….
….you may want to explore why.
Perhaps it really WAS safer to stay quiet and not speak up (in which case, good for you for making a wise choice).
But if you’re still worried when someone confronts you, you may want to do some deep inquiring, and see if what you’re believing is actually true.
To practice living this turnaround today, I got this idea to do the webinar I mentioned.
It may not be perfect, I may fall over my words, I might not get my point across clearly, you might think my voice is dorky, the pictures or slides may not make total sense….
….but that’s what you risk when you speak up.
You risk having it go very badly (chuckling now).
Turning it all around in the most remarkable way to imagine the future without suffering:
I am willing to speak up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
I look forward to speaking up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
It could definitely happen.
“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into flight-or-flight–not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you’d like to join my webinar tomorrow, Wednesday at 5 pm Pacific Time, then click this link here to register (kinda proud of my art work creation webinar page registration, so much fun to learn).
Room for plenty more still, starting Friday, with 3 days of Eating Peace. Clean up your inside thoughts, clean up your eating. October 9-11, 2015. For more information, click here.
If you experience “no” and it hurts….inquiry can teach you what it’s for
Last week Peace Talk entered the sound waves again. Plus yesterday Episode 92. If you haven’t listened yet, check these two episodes out and let me know your thoughts.
The topic of Peace Talk yesterday was something filled with devastating suffering for many, depending on the situation:
Hearing NO from someone or something.
No, I don’t want to take your class (that was my situation)
No, I don’t want to be married to you (um, also my situation)
No, I can’t come to your party (yep, I’ve had that situation)
No, I won’t be showing up to the event (again, I’ve been there)
No, we’re not hiring you (hmmm, I think there’s a pattern)
No, you can’t have that (yes, starting age 2)
No, I’m not talking with you (rats, this has happened too)
No, I don’t want what you’re offering (also since childhood)
No, we aren’t friends anymore (ouch, yes it’s happened)
Dang.
Why’d you have to bring this up?
How ’bout let’s watch youtube videos this morning instead. Do we really have to look at this today?
Aren’t you over that whole I-don’t-like-no thing by now?
But diving into this topic, while initially very difficult depending on what you’re believing is lost to you, can be powerful beyond words.
What is your relationship to this NO?
Why don’t you like it?
What I find it boils down to is one basic very painful belief set:
I am not liked, not loved, unappreciated, unworthy, and wrong.
Whew.
How do you react when you believe this deep, gut-wrenching thought when you hear a “no” from somewhere in your life?
Some people feel awful and withdraw, run away very wounded.
Some people begin quickly to find fault with the person saying “no” and make a list of their defects.
Maybe you even attack the no-sayer.
He’s got it all wrong. How could he be making this mistake? He’s so dumb. She’s so ignorant. They’re wrong.
Maybe you try to bend over backwards adjusting yourself so you get a “yes” instead and the person changes their mind. Maybe you twist yourself into a pretzel with stress and anxiety, thinking about how hopeless this is, how you wish you did it differently in the past.
Some people wish they were dead after they hear “no”.
Some people feel this way when relationships end, with family or life partners.
It feels so devastating when you believe that it’s true that hearing a “no” means something is wrong with you (or them).
Who would you be without the belief that NO is wrong, or worse, than YES?
Almost hard to fathom, right?
It’s so ingrained that yes, yes, yes is soooooo much better than no, no, no.
But what would it be like if you really didn’t know this?
Let’s say you get a twinge of thirst.
Some time goes by, and you’re more and more thirsty.
You’re not near a place where there’s running water easily accessible. You ask someone walking by if they have water.
No.
You go into the nearest shop and ask if they have water.
No.
You ask where the nearest grocery store is, or water fountain.
It’s pretty far away. You don’t have a car.
This is not looking good.
At this point, some people might feel so disappointed they begin to say things like “I am such an idiot, I should have brought a water bottle, what was I thinking?” (I thought this myself on a hike once in the mountains).
“I am so stupid, I should have been kinder to my partner, or clearer to that student, or more fun to that friend, or more curious and patient with that acquaintance.”
Who would you be, though, if you did not see this “no” situation as a major problem?
You wouldn’t give up asking or looking, and you wouldn’t freak out or hate yourself for needing something, either.
I notice disappointment.
It feels sweet and touching, like something inside me cares very much and it’s OK.
But not pushing and aggressive.
I might say “can I ask why your answer is no?” and I listen carefully, with great curiosity and fascination.
I trust the movement of the universe, the way of it.
Who knows what good, interesting, kind and brilliant thing comes from this “no” and the awareness of Not This?
Turning the thought around:
NO is better than YES (in my situation).
How could this be true?
Can you find examples?
There are fewer people to attend to now in this course, an easier number to learn about, work with, remember and meet with one-on-one.
Everyone has the immense freedom to come and go as they please, to find their yes or no….and this means me, too
I have more free time, quiet time, unscheduled time
I get to know myself even better and question the thoughts that there is something wrong with me—I notice there isn’t
I become delighted in my own company
I notice what is beautiful, precious, loving, wonderful right here in this room, without a “yes”
What if your NO is the Universe and Life NOT giving you enlightenment?
I need a YES from life or God or the Universe or Source (whatever you wish to call it that feels mysterious and beyond the little you)…..
…..is that true?
Are you sure you don’t already have a yes?
Look around
One who does what the Friend wants done will never need a friend.
There’s a bankruptcy that’s pure gain.
The moon stays bright when it doesn’t avoid the night.
A rose’s rarest essence lives in the thorn.
~ Rumi
What if this “no” is actually your Friend?
If you think it isn’t, are you sure
What is ultimately the great threat to you in this “no”
Breathe deep the essence of “no”, the brightness of “no”
Keep inquiring.
The great question, when it comes to feeling crushed by hearing the answer “no”….
One of my absolute favorite agonizing beliefs to do The Work on have been stressful beliefs about being liked.
Especially when someone actually DOESN’T like you.
Ooooh, isn’t that just the juiciest thing?
Yowser, it can hurt if you believe someone should like you, care about you, appreciate you, love you….
….and this person appears to dislike you, disown you, cut you off, and hate you.
Ha ha.
A little argument with reality going on here.
But let’s look.
I’ve shared it before (and I’ll probably share it again).
I had a friend.
Notice the key word “had”.
She learned something about me one day, a partial piece of information that was actually said in jest as a joke in a written article, and she believed it was true.
It’s one of my favorite situations and relationships for The Work because I felt so innocent. I felt like I really didn’t do anything wrong, and it was such a big fat misunderstanding.
But she stewed, analyzed, struggled within, and then reported me to the state as a counselor who has sessions with people naked.
Yep, it was that insane.
(I have to chuckle because I am so modest and shy, through my historical conditioning, that I wouldn’t be caught dead in front of anyone outside of a locker room or bedroom).
The fascinating thing is this friend adored me, and I adored her as well. I found our conversations joyful, fascinating, and soooooo in depth.
We were very close and our intellects were thrilled to trade ideas back and forth.
Of course, since I was someone who expected to be liked, who planned and tried hard and worked to be appreciated…..
…..I had no idea of her thought process and didn’t realize for months and months that she was so concerned.
Except I got the hint when she never returned my calls, didn’t respond to emails.
I was thinking….”did I do something wrong, did I say something rude….what??”
This is a really fascinating thing the mind does, that thinks “I” am the important thing here.
It’s all about me.
I must have done something wrong. She should keep liking me.
I could have prevented this dangerous event (betrayal, withdrawal, cut off, anger) from happening.
I had to do The Work a lot on that friendship ending, against my will (ha ha) and because of a ridiculous assumption.
But who would I really, really be without the belief that she should like me, and hang out with me, and see me as brilliant and “right” instead of wrong?
And what is this idea all about anyway…..where it feels safer and more comfortable if people appreciate me, rather than find me threatening?
What is going on there?
There’s this kind of core, deep, yet unnecessary sense physiologically that I’ll die, or be killed, if she doesn’t care about me.
I’m in danger. I’m unimportant. I’m worthy of being betrayed, or dissed, or pushed away. That’s what this means.
Boy, I love the way this assumption and attempt to gain control of the situation grabs for responsibility.
If it’s my fault, I can do something about it.
Trouble is….it’s not really my fault.
There’s a whole host of things happening when someone decides someone else is a piece of dung.
Everyone has their glasses on from their past conditioning, and what they believe, and what they think will be safe, and what they feel they need.
I had to ask myself, many times in that painful work…..
…..who would I be without the belief that I need to be liked and accepted?
By her? By anyone?
“If I had only one prayer it would be this: God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that I need to be liked, by anyone, I notice where I’m sitting.
I notice this present, gorgeous moment. A white leather couch. A lamp with newly changed lightbulbs (miraculous, the bulbs), a glass of water, a pink hoody lying near me, a bare arm, snippets in the mind of a wonderful conversation earlier today with my dear friend and teacher Ross, the still air in the room, the dark green trees through the windows.
Without the belief that anyone, ever, needs to like ME (me-me-me-me-me-all-about-me) I’m so free, I almost burst out laughing in this moment.
What are you doing or seeing or feeling in your present moment, even though someone in the world doesn’t appreciate, or like you?
Is it incredible?
If it’s not “incredible” can you just take in what is in your environment, and look around, without feeling the belief that anyone needs to appreciate you personally?
If you stare at the place you’re in…..is it not bizarre, and exciting, and rather fascinating?
Turning the thought around: I must have done something right. She should NOT keep liking me. I should keep liking myself. I should keep liking HER.
How could this be as true, or truer?
OMG.
I should keep liking myself, I should keep liking her.
Wow, instead of automatically thinking I must have done something wrong, instead of thinking I screwed up, instead of thinking I’m missing something, instead of thinking she’s awful, instead of thinking she’s a mean messed up incorrect childish person….
….I can find these things are all as true or truer.
I can simply wait.
Be here now for this moment.
“Where do you find the wisdom inside of you, when you’re free, or when you’re worried? Inquiry bring us to that birthright. A free mind. This can feel like going to the dentist at first, but when you’re in peace that’s all you can see–peace. If I’m rattled about something, on the other side of that the most amazing clarity comes….I don’t call this The Work for nothing.” ~ Byron Katie
Do your inquiry. Give yourself this gift.
Who would you be without your belief that anyone should like you?
Don’t go to far into the darkness. You don’t have to do The Work alone!
Last spot available for 3 days in The Work in Seattle starting Friday. We meet in a beautiful private home in Magnolia.
Bring your painful thoughts about your life, the places you get stuck….and leave with lightness and freedom.
Who would you really be, using your brilliant imagination, without your stressful beliefs?
The power of the group can be transformative, and really help you “get” The Work.
(Hit reply if you’re interested, and want to register).
Speaking of groups.
There’s nothing like a full set of ears, eyes, and feelings in the form of a group of people to help you get into your honest personal work.
This happens in any modality.
Where multiple people, or even one other person, are gathered….
….there are more minds involved than only yours.
One mind, questioning itself, can be a bit tricky.
The other people present help you keep steady in your work, not run away mentally or emotionally. No one has to give you advice or tell you what to do, they are simply present to you finding your own answers.
At the monthly meetup last weekend, as always, I loved the contributions, feedback, and sharing from other people even if they weren’t on the hot-seat doing The Work on an important situation.
I’m clapping my hands right now thinking about how awesome it will be to do The Work with a much larger number, and for three whole days, as people assemble to dive into inquiry this coming weekend (including Friday). The majority of the group will be people in Year of Inquiry, but it’s open and accessible to anyone else desiring this kind of freedom from stressful thinking.
The feeling is phenomenal, and so supportive.
Whenever I’ve been stuck in my own work, there’s nothing like feedback from someone else.
Why?
Because to get out of your own very seductive story, even when it hurts, is really, really difficult.
It’s like a locomotive going 120 mph down a one-way track!
You start being blind to what’s really true for you. Things get murky, foggy, distorted, hazy.
You’re activated. You’re triggered. You believe you’re in danger, or being criticized, or something’s wrong.
You try to fix it…..QUICK!!
But if you stop and put yourself in a group of people, or even get one other person to be with you as you consider your thinking…..
…..an incredible thing happens.
You stop freaking out.
If someone asks you…..“Wait, now, are you SURE that’s true?” you get to stop a moment, to pause.
In this pause, you may grasp some awareness and clarity, or sanity, just for a second.
“Imagine that while you’re lost in the disturbed energy you actually do one or more of the things that your mind is telling you to do. Imagine what would happen if you actually quit your job, or if you decide, ‘I’ve held this in long enough. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.’ You have no idea how big a step down that is. It’s one thing if the disturbance is going on inside of you. But the moment you allow it to express itself, the moment you let that energy move your body, you have descended to another level.” ~ Michael Singer
If someone asks you the next question….”How are you reacting with the thought?” you begin to watch yourself.
You get some breathing room.
If you’re stumped when it comes to the fourth question “Who would you be without your thought?” people can possibly help you.
They can remember who they are without the belief, since they aren’t triggered in that moment.
Connect with others doing The Work.
Hand someone the Four Questions and say to them “ask me these questions, please, and just sit here listening to my answers without saying a thing.”
Anyone can do this work and stop believing what their minds are saying.
What a relief.
Go find a partner, invite people over, go to a group, take a class, join a retreat….get with someone else and do your work together.
Sept 19 Seattle Mini Retreat 1:30-5:30 at my cottage (4 CEUs)
Sept 20 Meetup 2-4 pm The Work of Byron Katie North Seattle
Sept 25-27 Seattle 3-Day Retreat (room for 3 more)
October 9-11 Eating Peace Seattle 3-Day Immersion Retreat
November 13-15 Eating Peace San Francisco area
Two more spots open in Year of Inquiry, the whole-year alive practice in The Work via phone/skype, recorded sessions, and an online private forum for sharing your work with a small group for a year with new topics each month.
*************
How would it feel to have no need for approval, love or appreciation….from that person who doesn’t seem to be giving it to you?
Byron Katie says that seeking love, approval and appreciation from anything outside of yourself is one of the most painful experiences of suffering in the human condition.
She has said frequently to audiences that if she had only one prayer, it would be to NOT seek love, approval or appreciation from anyone.
I am sometimes astonished by the tendency of thought to entertain and hold ideas that have to do with this very thing.
I don’t think he likes me
what did she mean by that look (or that comment)?
she criticized me
he left me
he doesn’t understand me
I could get fired any day now
I did something wrong, or I could soon
Sometimes, when I look clearly and closely at this place of concern, it’s like there’s been a beacon on the top of my head, a huge search light scanning every relationship I’ve ever encountered.
This search light is scanning to make sure everyone around me is calm, relaxed, happy, secure, and enjoying themselves.
If they aren’t…..uh oh.
There’s a problem.
(Oh, and by the way…..if they are TOO calm, relaxed, happy, secure and full of joy then we might put them on up a pedestal, or we might be jealous of their good fortune or wonder how they got like that).
In any case, there’s a measurement happening, with this kind of thought pattern and awareness of how much love, approval or appreciation is coming in our direction.
Categorizing people into points on a scale for positivity, clarity, enlightenment, capacity to serve, how fun they are, and how well they connect with us.
And inside the gut, a childlike sense of worry.
Does that person like me? Do they approve of what I’m doing, or what I did? Do they appreciate what I’m like, or what I offer? Do they love me? Will they be kind?
Am I safe? Will I be abandoned?
Let’s take a look.
Find one person in your life who you’ve worried sometimes if they care about you, or love you, or approve of you or appreciate you.
Byron Katie found this energy rose with great intensity with her own mother.
Ahhhh…..mother.
If you want to go to a core place for learning about love, visit mom or dad in your inquiry.
Find a situation when you knew this person did not appreciate you, did not love you.
This can be done with anyone. Anyone who you think, in some disturbing situation, they didn’t like something about you.
Today, for some reason, more of a stranger comes to mind.
Someone I don’t know very well.
This woman left a retreat I was teaching.
She was brand new to The Work. I’m not even sure how she found the retreat. At the end of only the first day, she left a note reporting that another participant made her so uncomfortable, she couldn’t take it. She left after sunset, quietly without telling anyone else.
She was gone.
Other people were noticing an intensity with this same interesting person who was a part of this retreat. The woman who left was not alone.
I should have handled the group dynamic differently. I should have done a better job.
I can go to that moment, the one where I found out this woman left.
Come back! No! Don’t ditch out so quick! Wait!
And then, this voice–the one that seeks appreciation–came into form.
Even if I understand her reasons for leaving….she should trust me, let me help her, come to me for assurance.
She doesn’t trust me. She thinks I can’t do the job of creating safety for the group.
Is it true?
Yes. I could have done better. She was too new to self-inquiry. She’ll never come back. This isn’t good.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true that she doesn’t true you?
No. I have no idea what she trusts or doesn’t trust.
I really don’t know.
How do you react when you believe someone doesn’t trust you?
How do you react when you think you should have done something different, so someone would stay with you?
This thought arises in love relationships all the time.
And remember mom? Or dad?
Did they ever show you the very same belief in living color?
Did mom or dad ever think you should trust them, but you didn’t? Did you ever think they should trust you, but they didn’t?
How do I react when I think someone is uncomfortable?
I might assume I’m responsible. Even the tiniest bit.
My mind races on how to make them more comfortable, how to help them calm down.
They should feel love, I should feel love, everyone should feel LOVE.
Whatever “love” is. We should all feel it.
So who would you be without the belief that anyone should trust you, ever?
Who would you be without the thought that someone should stay in your presence, stay at a retreat you’re leading, stay in the relationship you have with them, stay connected–whatever connected looks like or feels like, for you?
Huh.
Wow.
Without the belief that connection has been compromised, no matter what is going on? Even if people leave?
Without the belief that someone isn’t trusting me, and they should?
Without the belief that someone should like me, and they don’t?
Without the belief that I need anyone’s approval, or appreciation, ever?
Holy smokes!!
This is one of the most liberating feelings.
A feeling of going back to something extremely, deeply, impenetrably innocent.
A sense of being a child, or an angel, beyond this tiny human life I apparently inhabit.
Without the thought that it’s important for anyone to love me, I suddenly remember the feeling of expansive……well…..I could call it “love”.
A centered, warm, alive feeling deep in my entire torso.
I feel connected to everything. Connected to this moment, this presence right here.
The floor beneath my feet, the earth, this early morning kitchen, the light beginning to glow outside, the soft white couch, the lamp, the brown pillow, the waking up daughter coming in a putting her head on my shoulder for a moment to read what I’m writing.
Who would you be without the thought you need love?
Who would you be without the thought you need that woman from that retreat to remain present physically in the retreat and not leave?
I would feel laughter, acceptance.
People can come and go and do whatever they do.
They can like, or not like, things I say or write or do or express. They can resonate with what’s happening, or not, and do what they need to do, without my getting involved.
Turning these thoughts around:
I don’t trust myself. I don’t think I can do the job of creating safety for the group.
I don’t think I like myself
what did I make it mean with her look (or comment)?
she complimented me, I criticized her, I criticized myself
he did not leave me, I left myself, I left him
I don’t understand myself, or him, and he doesn’t understand me
I could never get fired, I could fire myself or fire this job
I did something right
Today with all these opposites, and holding the feeling in my heart and body of not believing the stressful need for love, approval or appreciation…..
…..I connect with whoever shows up around me.
Why would I need anything more, or different, than this? It’s almost absurd to care, without the belief that I need anyone’s appreciation, or love.
I even connect with whoever isn’t showing up right now, and people who have left and are far away, if they come to mind.
I trust the Universe, Reality, God, Source, Life to handle what’s going on around here.
And I don’t even have to trust it to handle anything….it is going the way it goes without me demanding anything, including approval.
“In order to be truly free, you must desire to know the truth more than you want to feel good. Because if feeling good is your goal, then as soon as you feel better you will lose interest in what is true. This does not mean that feeling good or experiencing love and bliss is a bad thing. Given the choice, anyone would choose to feel bliss rather than sorrow. It simply means that if this desire to feel good is stronger than the yearning to see, know, and experience Truth, then this desire will always be distorting the perception of what is Real, while corrupting one’s deepest integrity.” ~ Adyashanti
What I notice in Reality is people coming and going. People feeling whatever they feel towards me, and towards themselves. Me feeling whatever I’m feeling towards others, towards me.
It changes and flows like breath, in and out, like the tide, like day and night.
Love, approval or appreciation is Here, then Not Here.
Contact then no contact.
Leaving and staying.
Remembering and forgetting about the woman who left the retreat leaving a note and slipping away after sunset.
Trusting her to take care of herself perfectly for where she was, where I was, what was required in reality.
Who would you be without your story that appreciation, or approval from someone, or trust, or love is required for you to feel good?
Laughing. Crying. Being. Silent.
Filled with appreciation, approving of this room and this brilliant moment, loving being a little battery buzz of life force doing whatever this thing does called Grace.
By popular request, I’m putting Friday Year of Inquiry calls into the schedule.
I love when people ask for what they really want and need.
The calls for YOI are set for Tuesdays 5 pm, Weds noon, Thursdays 9 am, and Fridays 10 am. All Pacific time. You choose to attend all or one, listen to recordings, participate live, whatever works best for you. Early bird rate if you enroll by Saturday. Write if you have any concerns or questions.
********
Thoughts about Goodbye? Write them down. Question them.
I have something to tell you that I haven’t mentioned it much.
Or, at all.
I’m going on vacation, and I mean completely on vacation with no cell phone access or regular computer access (I’ll check emails a little) and not much writing.
I leave on August 19 and am gone until September 7.
While I’m away, some of the most popular Grace Notes will be sent, but you’ll notice a lot fewer notes from me in your Inbox for a few weeks.
The upcoming absence of communication reminds me of interesting ideas in human relating.
What happens when you have less communicating than before with someone you really care about?
My first close friend outside of my family was age 7-8. My family had moved from England to Kansas.
I made a great friend that year. Second grade. We spent tons of times at each other’s homes and saw each other every day at school.
Then my family moved away permanently.
When you’re eight, you don’t really communicate or relate with writing, phone calls (at least I sure didn’t) or any other way besides in-person direct contact.
So if your caregivers pack up everything and head thousands of miles away….
….that friendship is pretty much over.
Looking back at my first experience of friendship change, I can see where my mind went down some stressful alleys.
I’m lost, there’s no one else, no one else knows me this well, I don’t know anyone else like her/him, we have inside jokes that can’t be replicated anywhere, together is bliss, apart is scary, life is dull without “x”, I have to memorize and never, ever forget her address, there will never be another one like her/him/them.
These thoughts don’t seem just for kids, have you noticed?
The stressed mind, so childlike and innocent, starts in on these kinds of thoughts when you’re getting divorced, or your neighbors are moving away, and you’ve been an adult for years!
Poetry, epic novels, matters of life and death, honor, love, meaning all come out of the pain of relationships coming and going.
So what is so stressful about contact being over, different, changed, or diminished?
OMG, what if I go away, and…..what?
How do you react when you think all those stressful thoughts, and you believe they are true?
For me, I’ve imagined I’ll feel lost, sad, empty, lonely.
I get frozen and I don’t make a move. I go back and forth trying to figure things out. I debate what’s right, what’s wrong. I breathe more shallowly. I feel tight and tense, or hurt. I might not reveal the complete truth. I’m careful. I make lists of pros and cons.
I imagine later on, in the future, feeling sad and regretful.
Who would you be without the belief that if I go away, it will be a bad thing?
In any way?
It’s almost hard to imagine.
Having memory, and images, so vivid in the mind, it’s hard to think that I could have these memories of people and not almost immediately think of the loss of this person.
But what if that was not 100% true?
What if there were wonderful things that could come out of lighter, less frequent communication, or going away, or leaving a relationship the way you know it, or adventuring on to something new and different?
Or even death?
One of the best ways to sit with turnarounds and allow them to fold around you like a comfortable blanket of awareness, is to see the actual times something changed in the past when relating with someone, and notice what good came of it.
You’re not trying to squelch out the grief, you’re just opening up to more…..and not zipping to “loss” so fast, the way the mind loves to do.
Here are some examples that I’ve found, as I look at people close to me who have disappeared, for all the various reasons this happens in life.
With my father’s death, I had to learn to stand up on my own two legs, and feel his voice inside my heart when I sought wisdom and clarity
With my family moving when I was eight, my whole world opened up to mixed races of people all around me, one of the best school teachers I’ve ever had in my life (Mr. Adams), and taking a thing called a bus to school
When it happened again (my new best friend Sarah moved thousands of miles away in 6th grade) I discovered yet another new best friend appeared, Kathy.
The friend who panicked with misunderstanding (or whatever went on over there) set me free from going to restaurants and bars I didn’t like much, and hearing the same unresolved stories about her husband over and over again
In my previous marriage, we no longer had conflicts about money or fear about who wasn’t getting a job (me)
With one man I dated, there were no more worries about who he was having sex with and where
With another man I loved, I could notice how much I also loved stability, quiet, lack of drama after he left.
I could list more.
Every single time a friendship has space in between, it is an invitation.
Speak the truth, allow the space to be as it is, see what else is available.
Without anger, panic, control, pushing, pulling, or being lost in, well, “loss”…..
…..you get to see what’s right here, in this moment now.
Silence.
And if you have a problem with silence…..
…..you may be thinking something that isn’t really true for you.
Turning all the thoughts around about communication change:
I’m found, there’s always someone else, I know me this well, I don’t know anyone else like her/him (of course you don’t!), I can have other jokes with other people, together is too tight, apart is exciting, life is exciting without “x” or without my thoughts, if I need to remember I will and if I don’t I won’t, there will always be love.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs.
To be wise and love exceeds man’s might!”
These are all comments written by the famous Shakespeare.
Love is not exactly given a good rap.
Love….never smooth, blind, unclear, sad, and unwise.
One of the great dilemmas people come to inquiry with, in solo sessions with me because often they feel so guilty and ashamed they don’t want anyone else to hear about it, is if they should stay or go in their committed love relationship.
It’ll drive anyone insane if you think you should make a decision.
So that concept itself is a great one to question (search “decision” in other Grace Notes for inquiry about making a decision).
But if you’re torn, and you want more focus and light on your experience….
….start with writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on all the stuff you dislike, resent, feel disappointed about or feel bored by when it comes to your partner.
Judge the heck outta them.
Don’t hold back. Let it rip.
Do The Work on all the concepts. Explore it deeply.
THEN….
….you may be at a new open level.
You don’t feel stung, or like a victim, or enraged. The emotional intensity is softened, you’ve relaxed your attack significantly.
You notice it’s very peaceful to not want that person to be different than they actually are.
And it’s impossible anyway.
But you realize….it’s not actually this person you’ve made a commitment to, who you spend time or a home with, that’s the problem.
You’re facing something much bigger than you thought before.
You’re facing your beliefs about love and what it’s supposed to give you in your life. You’ve believed, maybe, that you’ll only have love if you’re technically “with” another human being.
You’re facing your beliefs about being alone.
And THIS is what really frightens you.
Oh, and hurting your partner’s feelings. Can’t forget that.
It causes great anxiety and sorrow.
But who would you be without the belief you’ll hurt someone when you say goodbye?
Who would you be without the thought that when you cause someone to cry, you should be punished, or you’re doing it wrong?
Who would you be without the belief that love means sacrifice, or love means holding back and staying together even if you want to fly, or that love means you can’t do what you truly want?
Who would you be without the belief that being alone sucks and does not involve the feeling of love?
What if you came from another planet and you were raised with the notion that mating, parting, togetherness, and being alone all have beautiful benefits and you are free to move in and out of these states as long as you live?
I notice, I already do move in and out of these states of mind, even though technically I’m “married”.
There is very little neediness, or grabbish energy, or expecting things. This is also a second marriage for both of us and it is very, very different from what we once believed about partnership and marriage.
But we have both inquired very, very thoroughly about what love is, what love is supposed to “do” for you, and found that it can be present whether you’re in relationship or out of relationship.
What if you knew you were completely and entirely safe, no matter what you pick or which way you move?
Recently I facilitated a sincere inquirer on the dread she felt about breaking up with her boyfriend.
She hated the way he was with money, she disliked his gambling, she wasn’t comfortable with his drinking, she wasn’t all that excited about his relationship with her son….
….but she was scared to “have to” start dating again.
What if it was the best thing in the whole world to date?!
Her assignment was….finding real, genuine, honest, authentic examples of turnarounds for being single, and dating.
This was a whole new world for her to imagine the joy of having someplace to yourself, being alone, taking yourself out to a movie, joining friends, connecting with groups, speaking freely, inviting others, having a blast and following her deepest pleasures.
Wow. So exciting.
Who would you be without your painful beliefs about love?
What if love was present whether you’re with a person, or not?
What if love has nothing to do with being married, or single?
Are you sure what you mean when you say “love” is actually “love” and requires another person?
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud…Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” ~ Corinthians
This means it endures through singleness and through contact with others.
Could love be present in any moment?
Even if you see the sadness at saying goodbye, and you cry your eyes out.
Maybe that heartbreak is all a part of love, breaking your heart open to something bigger and more expansive than ever imagined.
Life is like that.
Isn’t that what we really always wanted?
“Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you already have it–that you are it……Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie
What to do when someone is a chatterbox? First…The Work.
That person won’t stop talking.
A person at the Breitenbush retreat last night shared her worksheet on someone in her life who went on and on, and she could never get a word in edgewise.
Can you relate?
Put yourself in that situation where you thought someone went on too long.
Good lord. How can I get away from them?
I’ve looked at my watch. I’ve stopped smiling. I’ve stopped sharing much of anything about myself. I’m not asking questions anymore.
Hell-oooo.
Aren’t they going to catch the drift, take a hint, get a clue?
Nope. Still talking.
Yaketty yaketty yak.
Most people have had this thought at least once or twice about someone else in their lives.
But one day, I realized….gosh….
….I’ve had this thought countless times. I’ve been in this situation so many times its ridiculous.
With a ton of different people. Neighbor, co-worker, friend, boss, partner.
Hmmmm. I notice one common denominator.
Me.
Maybe there’s something going on here I could look at more deeply….
….you think?
So I ask myself, why is this person going on and on in this particular way so irritating?
Because they’re skipping around on every topic known to mankind. None of these words mean much of anything. What they’re saying seems like noise. I just start wanting to get away. They’re complaining. I’ve heard it before. They’re bragging.
And I feel trapped, like I’ll hurt their feelings unless I excuse myself politely (if they’d let me get a word in). I can’t figure out how to be polite AND excuse myself at the same time.
Good opportunity for The Work.
It’s impolite to interrupt or to decline conversation.
Is it true?
Yes.
I mean, if someone suddenly got up and left me when I was in the middle of a sentence I’d feel hurt. It would feel pretty weird. I’d wonder what I said.
But can I absolutely know that this is true that it’s impolite to interrupt or decline conversation? Can I absolutely know this person’s talking is so torturous in the first place?
No.
How do I react when I believe….
….I can’t stand this person talking so much, AND….
….don’t interrupt, listen to others politely with a nice expression on your face, don’t say what you really feel?What happens when I believe these concepts like they are the absolute truth?
I stand quietly while people are talking, I look like I’m listening, and I “wait” until it’s over. I don’t really listen. I don’t really connect with this person. I feel separate. I’m scared to speak up. I care about what they think of me. I need to make sure I don’t hurt their feelings. I’m trapped, a victim of this moment.
Who would I be without these beliefs that there’s a “right” way to converse with people and a “wrong” way, and I can’t interrupt or disagree, or leave?
Huh.
This is soooo different than the way I’ve always thought I should be, it’s hard to imagine who I would be without these rules for relating to other people.
I might interrupt. I might listen more closely without this urge to escape.
I would also feel connected. I’d tell the truth. I’d say something like the following: I feel anxious to say this out loud to you but I’m having a hard time really connecting with what you’re saying.
Or maybe….tell me more about what that was like for you.
Or maybe….I’d be far more curious about this funny moment of half-listening on my part.
Or, I might even simply move away from that person and head towards what I feel more enlivened by, in that moment, without guilt or embarrassment.
Turning the thought around: it is NOT impolite to interrupt, or to decline conversation. It’s impolite NOT to interrupt. It’s impolite to STAY in the conversation, especially if I’m not interested. I also CAN stand this person talking so much. I can listen far more closely. I wonder what or why they really want to communicate?
Wow, what if it was actually rude, dishonest, dismissive to fake like I’m listening?
What if it was not polite and respectful to avoid telling the truth?
Wait.
You mean….say what I really think or feel to this person? Ask them questions? Listen? Engage honestly?
Yes.
And it doesn’t have to be with any resentment or anger or the reverse kind of energy from your original behavior of hiding, faking or holding back.
In other words, you don’t need to be super blunt, mean, attacking or critical, which is just another form of the same this-is-wrong orientation.
What if it was just right that this person was talking on and on, to give you a chance to speak up….
….or to listen closely….
….with excitement and clarity for you, for them?
“Your understanding of another person is limited by what you think you already know. So when you just listen, the person you meet won’t match your preconception. The exciting thing is that you usually meet someone much wiser and kinder than you expected. You may also lose track of your ideas about who YOU are. You become a true listener, an open and genuinely interested person. Maybe you too will be wiser and kinder than you thought you were.” ~ Byron Katie
That person should be talking right now.
I should be listening. And speaking honestly.
Noticing how wisdom and kindness can come forward through this talking. No fears about what should or shouldn’t be done.
Over the years I’ve been facilitating inquiry, I’ve heard a ton of stressful beliefs about primary partners: lovers, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends.
Perhaps you’ve had a few stressful thoughts about primary partners in your life, people you’re dating, lovers who wreak havoc in your life.
A few years ago, I was working with a woman who felt critical of her partner.
He’s so lackadaisical. He never follows through on anything. He doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do, ever. Tasks unfinished, no ambition, always playing computer games. He needs to lose weight.
That person should be different!!
If you’ve ever had a partner….or you can think of anyone at all (it doesn’t have to be a love interest) who has been lazy, left things unfinished, didn’t put the dishes away, didn’t clean up, took forever to finish the house project, failed to take the reins for the important event….
….let’s do The Work.
First, is it true?
Yes, said the woman doing The Work. I still remember how already she was tearing up and feeling the disappointment rush in.
Can you absolutely know it’s true that he never gets anything done, or that he should be more ambitious, or ought to clean up after himself more quickly, or become thin?
Yes. She was sure it was true. She was angry.
How do you react when you believe someone should be different than they actually are? What happens when you think he never gets anything done (and should) or works too slowly or isn’t reliable?
The fury was palpable.
This woman was so raging disappointed, she was holding back from sobbing.
I followed along with her, because I’ve had flickers of the same kinds of thoughts about my own husband.
He shouldn’t be playing that video game. He should be working on some house project. He’s looking at facebook again?! His stomach looks too big.
It’s like there’s an ideal version of this person you care about, and then the real thing….
….and you’re asking him to be the ideal version.
So who would you be without the belief that this human being on the planet, who happens to be connected with you closely, needs to be different, faster, quicker, more assertive, more full of plans, more a get-it-done type….
….in order for you to be happy?
Instantly, I’d be back with me. Noticing what makes me happy, all by myself.
I love movement, creating, building, accomplishing things. I love seeing something go from super dirty to really clean. I love projects. I have a ball getting things done.
I also love resting sometimes. Kicking back. Slowing down. NOT accomplishing anything. Meditating.
Without the belief that someone else ought to do more than they are, I myself am far more relaxed in their presence. I’m curious. I feel gentle towards them, not disappointed.
Turning the thought around: he’s just right.
Hmmm.
How could that be as true, or truer?
It doesn’t mean you condone what he does.
It means you get to see genuine examples of how it could really be OK that he IS the way he is.
All his life experiences, all his interactions and learnings from childhood to now, all roads this man took, led to the way he is, now.He is doing the absolute best he knows how.
“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with me in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it. And until I question what I believe about him, until I do The Work, I lose the awareness of love.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?Turning the original thought around again:I’m so lackadaisical. I never follow through on anything. I don’t do what I say I’m going to do, ever. Tasks unfinished, no ambition, always playing games. I need to lose my weighted-down thinking…especially about him. Especially about me.
The inquirer I was working with discovered that these thoughts were equally as true.
Wow. Even truer.
She grew very excited that he was the way he was, and she was the way she was, and that they might remain very good friends….but she no longer wanted to be in relationship with him in the way they were.
I don’t know how the story unfolding….how the break-up actually went and what happened next, but the sweetness of the insight was palpable.
Because I was aware myself, to enter the unknown is the most exciting way to walk the path of relationship.
It is not “good” to stay together in one particular format. It is not “bad” to change the way the relationship appears.
Marriage, divorce, friends, lovers, dating, buddies. Every dynamic can happen in love, with excitement, honesty, and truth-telling.
Who would you be without the belief that he needs to be different?
You love him very deeply, and you might still leave. Oh how fun to do it with joy and tenderness.
“You may or may not be willing to put up with your partner’s apparent flaws. Whether you stay in or leave a relationship, there are always two ways to do it. One way is in peace, with love, the other is at war, with anger and blame…..Clearly see that his flaws are flaws in your own vision. Then let the decision make itself. It always happens right on time, and not one second before.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?
