Category: Pain, Sickness and Death

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Have A Body? Lose Control

Only a few more weeks of the early-registration fee of $295 for the Breitenbush retreat focusing on the issues we have with our bodies….more on that in a minute! After May 1st the registration fee goes up to $350. We have an amazing group forming. The retreat is limited to 14. The fee I just mentioned is the tuition…everyone coming phones Breitenbush to reserve your chosen accommodations (tent platform or your own bungalow?) and delicious meals.

Click HERE to read all about it.

What does it mean to do The Work on The Body?

Well….have you ever had a stressful thought about your body? A thought that when you think it, you experience discomfort of any kind?

Spending some time with the stress about having a body like yours can be quite revealing. Thoughts about the body are so critical, agonizing, and painful…and then, we’ll have thoughts about ourselves and how we really shouldn’t HAVE these critical thoughts about our bodies.

First the thought, as I pass the glass window on the street “gosh, your butt looks too big” or “wow, your face really is looking old these days”. Then the thought “I can’t believe you’re not OVER criticizing your looks at your age, you should know not to care”. Then the thought “I need to relax, take care of my superficial thoughts, handle my health better”.

And so on. The cycle of “thinking” in a compulsive way along the lines of things not being good the way they are.

Especially this body. So imperfect and so frail.

Bodies can be the entry point into awakening like no other. With this thing I live in, called a body, I am aware of my need to be attractive to other humans, my desire to be attractive to myself, my frailty, pain, weakness, the smallness or temporariness of being in this body..death and impermanence.

My thoughts about my body are, in fact, thoughts about life and death. They all lead to the most profound, similar place.

For me, the mind can start spewing thoughts so quickly on the body, it’s faster than a speeding bullet!

  • I wish I were twenty years younger again
  • I don’t have enough time (here on the planet)
  • my hip should stop hurting
  • I need to do yoga, stop aging, have zero pain
  • dying is not going to be fun or easy
  • I hate when other people die
  • I hate feeling bad, I never want to get sick again
  • my face shouldn’t have wrinkles, my hair shouldn’t turn gray, my feet shouldn’t hurt

The list goes on. There are cures, too, around every corner. You can start in on all kinds of ways to “solve” the “problem” of having this condition.

And yet, as I inquire over time, even on the dumbest most mundane thoughts about my body, I get such insight and love for this thing that it becomes simple, easy, and not a source of regret or wishful thinking.

I love being exactly in this body, at this time, at this age, with these little feelings and conditions. It’s magnificent…it’s surrender. I see how it does not take changing or altering this body to experience joy, love, acceptance, connection, intimacy and peace.

Doing The Work on the body leads to the grandest, most wonderful questions and awareness that I am not this body, there is much more here….and that for some reason, this whole thing is temporary.

What if your thoughts looked instead for the benefits in your condition? The opposite sort of experiences?

  • I wish I were twenty years older…I’d be closer to that fun moment called death (or croaking) that I’ve heard a zillion things about but will only experience once
  • I have all the time I would ever need on this planet, in this lifetime
  • my hip should keep hurting, it’s a sensation that’s speaking
  • I don’t need to do anything, I need to keep aging (that would be weird to stop aging), I need to have great pain and notice I can learn to relax with it, and that it leaves
  • dying is going to be the easiest thing I’ve ever done…I won’t even be doing it (finally it won’t be up to me, kinda like life if I really think about it)
  • I experience great love when other people die (so far, always true)
  • I’m open to feeling physically bad, I’m open to getting sick again…there are advantages and I can find them
  • my face should have wrinkles, my hair should turn gray, my feet should hurt…I get to have this amazing aging experience in this life (vs die young).

By having this body, as it does exactly what it does, I get to see how nature works in this particular form. I get to respond to this particular body, I get to feel what reality/God/source is offering through this body.

I get to see how much more I am than this body. This mind doing its amazing thing…wondering, exploring, feeling, sensing. Body and mind and beyond all interacting. A great mystery.

The most amazing thing is how free I am, even with this body. Everyone is.

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill….Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it—the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it……Go back with it again. It’s a part—no matter how much pain you’re in—it’s witnessing, watching…..Good. That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.”~Byron Katie 

Inquiring into your thoughts about your body, you may find very quickly that you are inquiring about what it means to be alive, and to know you will die.

For me, this is spiritual awakening. Surrender, gratitude…the freedom of not caring.

Do The Work on your body and have a glorious time caring nothing for what everyone else thinks, what you think. (Join us at Breitenbush).

“If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself be empty. If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up.”~Tao Te Ching #22

Love, Grace

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This Memory Is Safe

This morning I was remembering an old friend who at one time I loved very much.

I noticed the image entered my mind, I could see the face of the person, even though its been very long since I’ve seen them in real life.

For a moment, before “thinking” really started…I just remembered. There is the sweet face, their fun voice, their smile. The pleasure at laughing, sharing intimate truths, asking questions.

And then (hear Beethoven’s 5th duh-duh-duh-DUM) sadness entered my experience.

Then the image of ANOTHER person I haven’t seen in ages who also caused tumultuous, uncertain, or angry feelings within.

I guess the two people reminded me of each other. And the little sadness visit following right behind.

But with The Work, with self-inquiry and a great interest in truth and in understanding my relationship with life (that has these kinds of people in it) I become curious very quickly about the sad feeling.

  • I miss that person
  • that relationship ended terribly
  • that was a totally unpleasant (or horrible) incident
  • I can’t believe it went that way
  • that person is a whack-job, has a personality disorder, is an addict, is sick, (etc)
  • I shouldn’t have gotten so close to that person
  • I should have gotten closer to that person
  • they should apologize
  • I should apologize

Oh boy.

Wonderful to have inquiry. Being able to look at something that produces even a wee bit of pain, of any kind, is so powerful.

Sometimes, the memories hurt….but if you look at them and inquire, I can just about guarantee that you’ll be better off down the road (or in five minutes) than if you suppress and distract yourself from looking.

So I allowed that image of that person to float there in my consciousness. There they are.

That relationship didn’t end well…or it ended and I’m sad…or it’s just an overall big mess when I think about it….IS THAT TRUE?

Yep.

But can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that it was terrible, shouldn’t have happened, that it was a mistake or a waste of time, or a tragedy? Can I know that 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No, not at all.

How do I react when I believe that the person I’m thinking of shouldn’t have been in my life, or that it shouldn’t have gone that way, or that the whole thing sucked, or that we did things wrong and made mistakes?

I get so, so, so sad. I get angry, I feel stress, pain, despair, sick to my stomach.

Who would I be without the thought that the relationship I had with that person was terrible, or ended tragically, or wasn’t good enough? Who would I be without the thought that I missed something, I should have done it differently…or they should have done it differently?

I’d be open, empty space. In a good way. I’d be here now. I’d be here, in this body, with a mind that is remembering a person…(which is amazing in itself that we can remember so vividly and so well).

I’d see that person, in this moment, and say “hello”. I’d feel connected to that memory in my head.

I would feel love, reaching across the cosmos without telephones or email or star-trek devices. I’d just notice that love is here, trust and love.

I’d notice how quiet it is in this moment, remembering that person.

In inquiry I would then practice finding the reasons why the opposite of my painful thoughts might be true:

  • I don’t miss that person, but I do love and appreciate that person…I somehow missedmyself in the middle of that relationship
  • that relationship ended perfectly on time, with excellent drama and clarity
  • that was a totally pleasant, entertaining (or fantastic) incident, an amazing story, full of wild and wonderful learning
  • I can believe it went that way, because it did
  • That person is a being themselves, and it’s OK, and my own thinking has been whacky, disordered, addictive and sick when it comes to that person
  • I should have gotten so close to that person, it was incredible and brought me awareness beyond my wildest dreams
  • I should have gotten closer to that person…I held back and wasn’t honest sometimes
  • they should not apologize, unless they really want to for themselves
  • I should apologize, to myself, to them…for all the disruption and fear and anxiety I produced by believing my own narrow-minded thoughts

I love Byron Katie’s words “when someone leaves, you’ve been spared”.

It is a grand, accepting trust in the universe going the way it goes.

That relationship lasted just the right amount of time on this planet, in this lifetime. It is just what I needed, in that period.

Now, for this moment, all that is necessary is the memory and the image of that person, apparently….not their actual body.

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

Love, Grace

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The Upside of Death

Many people wrote me yesterday to ask details about the Death Class. Several requests for evening led me to schedule it for Thursdays starting March 7 – April 11, 2013 from 6:15 – 7:45 pm Pacific time. Click HERE to register for it.

I am also having fun calling it the Death Class (and don’t worry, we will talk about Pain and Sickness as well!). But it sure makes me laugh to say that I’m teaching a Death Class.

Bringing humor to death and dying has been something we humans have brought to existence throughout the ages, especially since writing, books, theater and poetry.

Maybe even cave men joked around about death. Ug and Thug pretending they fell off a cliff or got gored by a rhino, rolling around laughing.

We will all say that Death and Dying are so serious….and yet, it’s quite amazing to find that often, there are sparks of laughter in the middle of the “end” of someone’s life.

Many years ago, my father was at the end of his. His four daughters, and all of our boyfriends or new husbands at the time, my mother, and my father’s best friend, had all been keeping vigil in my parent’s bedroom for several days.

The last round of chemo in the hospital had come to an end. There was no other possible treatment. It was over. They had sent my father home to die.

My childhood house was filled with people bringing over food. A priest came and gathered for awhile with my sisters and I in our parent’s home, where we all had grown up.

One of my father’s dearest friends called him from Africa. Another flew from across the country to visit my dad for 2 hours, dressed in a business suit, and then returned to the airport to fly away again.

And then came the actual Last Day of my father’s life on the planet.

The people he really loved and cherished were all surrounding him. My mother shared photo albums from their wedding, everyone was in their (fortunately) very large bedroom sitting in chairs, lying on the floor, lying on my parents big bed.

We sang lullabies as we listened to my father breathe. He lay on a special hospital-type bed. The day was a very dark November afternoon with drizzling gray skies outside.

All afternoon we talked in hushed voices about all kinds of things, stretched our stiff necks, went to the bathroom, or would go sit by my father’s bed. Maybe someone would cry softly and we would sit with our arms around each other for a minute.

As all the light faded and darkness came, someone lit more candles. The door opened and closed and people placed a tray of sandwiches on my parent’s dresser.

And then the breathing stopped.

Suddenly, everyone sat up on alert. Everyone who was more than 2 feet away came to my father’s side. We all gathered close and touched him, his shoulders, arms, legs, feet.

We looked at each other, holding our own breath. My mother uttered a cry of great grief. We all began to weep.

And then my father took another breath.

Every single person in that room suddenly burst out laughing. There were no words, there were tears and laughing, and laughing….

And then listening, and waiting, and a long, long pause…

All the laughter fading to a hush, and then listening, and silence, silence.

And then we all knew, simultaneously, that really WAS the last breath, that last one.

And THEN the tears flowed and everyone sobbed. My forehead was resting on my father’s arm and I was holding his hand with my own, and I felt it grow cold. As I cried, I was amazed with this recognition of something I had heard about, the body having no more heat.

And strangely, that laughter did not feel very different from the grief that poured out. At all.

All of it felt like the truth, like love.

“The Tao is like the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it any way you want.”~Tao Te Ching #6

We’re all in the Death Class. Amazing and Beautiful, containing the funniest and the most serious of it all.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 6:15 – 7:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
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Oh Goody! It’s Pain, Sickness and Death

It’s here, it’s here! The teleclass on Pain, Sickness and Death!!!

Kind of funny thing to announce with exclamation points, right?

We humans make a lot of jokes about death, getting old, getting sick, and going through very tough physical pain. We often joke about it because it’s so uncomfortable, so serious, and so incredibly difficult.

These things seem threatening. For real!

Feeling acute pain or chronic pain that doesn’t seem to end….having your best friend get terminal cancer…a child dying unexpectedly, or a parent…facing your own imminent death…

These are the experiences encountered in life that can bring the greatest suffering.

With great loss or shock, disease or physical difficulty, many of us think we can’t get through it….like it will actually be so painful emotionally that our lives will be ruined.

I once met a woman who had three boys who were all killed. I had the thought “how could she live through that?” 

But of course, we do live through the deaths of people who are very close to us. There this woman was, right in front of me, living beyond her three sons.

Just THINKING about pain, sickness and death can produce the feelings of horror, or dread. Nothing has even happened yet, and we’re freaking out because of the pictures in our minds.

Turning and facing to look at all this, head-on, is not always pleasant. But sometimes, when the anxiety gets too strong, there’s no other way to go except to dive into the biggest fear.

As it turns out, when you look at the process of being human on this planet, it is not truethat parents should die before their children. It is not true that people shouldn’t get cancer. It is not true that people shouldn’t get in car accidents. It is not true that people shouldn’t have terrible pain in some area of their body day after day.

Because those things happen. All the time.

I figure, as Byron Katie has suggested all these years, you can either argue with What Is and suffer, or question your thinking.

How could that terrible horrible worst thing happening actually be OK? How can I accept it? How can I be comfortable with it? How can I stop worrying?

I have found that the way to stop worrying and being so upset…is to find out what I’m most afraid of, most against, and bring it to self-inquiry.

  • It’s sad that I have a limited time on the planet
  • Getting cancer is terrible
  • It’s wrong and horrible when children die
  • I need my leg to stop hurting
  • Something terrible is going to happen
  • Being young is better than being old

The mind will have a field day delivering horror-show images.

What if we can question and contemplate everything though….these very worst, worst experiences we’ve encountered, the things we most fear?

What if we could find peace right in the middle of mayhem, anxiety, or endings?

“The whole notion of death is a beautiful and very potent spiritual awakener….Even the very idea of death takes away everything we’re identified with. The body will go, thoughts will go, imagination will go….death takes it all away. For the mind, this is terrifying! But if you just imagine body gone, mind gone, feelings gone, memories gone…what’s left?….Death takes everything away except what’s essential.”~Adyashanti

As I turnaround all my thoughts about death, sickness, pain, accidents…all those “bad” things that can happen to a body….I find a foundation of peace that is startling. I think it’s been here the whole time, I just didn’t see it before with all the layers of fear piled on top.

  • It’s awesome that I have a limited time on the planet..what, I want to be special and stay endlessly?
  • Getting cancer is fantastic. It made me slow down, pay attention, rest, actually stop worrying…every day a gift.
  • It’s not wrong or horrible when children die. They don’t ever have to go through all the crap older people do, they are innocent, they don’t think it’s their fault.
  • I don’t need my leg to stop hurting. I’m breathing, walking…learning about pain.
  • Something wonderful is going to happen…wow, bring it on! It’s OK if it’s over.
  • Being old is better than being young, if that’s what you are. This body is incredible, it’s being the perfect servant taking me to the end zone slowly but surely.

“I see life and death as equal. Reality is good; so death must be good, whatever it is, if it’s anything at all.”~Byron Katie

If you’re ready to question your fears about the worst case scenarios….join me on Tuesday mornings starting 2/12. We’ll look at the experience of feeling physical pain, with awareness of illness and malady, and of course the top favorite….death.

I’d love company along this crazy upside-down journey of opening to what’s apparently difficult, in discovering what’s true.

Love, Grace

 

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Welcoming and Entertaining Pain, Sickness and Death

I don’t always email on Sundays, but I know many of you have been waiting very patiently for the new tele course Pain, Sickness and Death… 

Yes, you read that correctly, if this is new to you. This will be looking in depth at some of our greatest, most frightening, terrified observations and thoughts about being here on this planet.

Our relationship to death, dying, disease, and pain of any form.

If you are interested and have hopes that the class is offered in a certain time zone that works for you, let me know. Since I live in Pacific time, it’ll have to be during my waking hours.

I have to admit, part of me is solidly and defiantly interested in NOT thinking about pain, sickness or death.

Gosh..can’t we just look at the fun parts of life? I mean, do I HAVE to look in-depth at death, trauma, accidents, cancer, pain, losing people, wars, destruction? JEEZ.

I’d rather go to the beach.

In fact, I’ve spent a fair amount of time kicking and screaming and doing everything possible (eat, drink, smoke, distract) to NOT look at these subjects.

But what I notice, and I bet you do too, is that most of us are very, very interested in these topics. And actually, making peace with them, even just a little, is astonishing in how it makes life look more beautiful somehow.

Everyone has had contact with death, sudden change, or pain. Nobody escapes it.

In the past year I have done the work several times on a terrible and intense stomach pain I occasionally experience. I have gone to the doctor to have it checked and had the colonoscopy (I had some beliefs about that all by itself).

It’s a pain that has come and gone for about 10 years, sometimes being so strong in the beginning that I was doubled over and writhing, not able to walk, and breaking out in a sweat.

Over time, I actually one day when having this pain had the thought “is this true?” in the middle of the wave of experiencing it. How odd to even remember the question. It just came into my mind!

And then the thought “I can’t relax, this is horrible”. And seeing that maybe that was not true either. Could I actually relax in the middle of this pain?

I could. Weird. Hard to describe. And then it vanished.

It has come back since then, and I feel open to it. Like “oh…here YOU are, whatever you are, hows it going?”

This feels very different, certainly a completely unusual way of feeling the sensation of pain than I ever felt before. The feeling was still there, but I also thought I was OK at the very same time.

“This being human is a guest house, every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, becasue each has been sent as a guide form beyond.”~Rumi The Guest House

The Work is about welcoming and entertaining them ALL. When the monsters and sorrows and physical agony are allowed here…who knows what can happen.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Fridays, January 18 – March 15, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks. No class 2/22.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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Reality Is Always Kind

Reality is a huge concept. In fact, it’s so huge, how could this mind grasp all of it?

I leave out huge parts of reality all the time. Have you noticed how the mind does this?

I’m thinking about something, and I’m very sad or upset or angry; thinking about how it should or shouldn’t be, repeating it (even though it happened in the past).

I’m thinking about some problem I perceive in this big soup of a story, and I focus in on that problem and ruminate.

I miss the joy and life and incredible activity that is in my presence, I miss the air and the rain, my old couch, this room entirely filled with things. I miss myself, the aliveness in me.

Today, let’s remember the vastness of reality…and how much it includes, and how infinite it is, and how full of EVERYTHING.

“Reality–the way that it is, exactly as it is, in every moment–is always kind. It’s our STORY about reality that blurs our vision, obscures what’s true, and leads us to believe that there is injustice in the world. I sometimes say that you move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer. When you believe that any suffering is legitimate, you become the champion of suffering, the perpetuator of it in yourself. It’s insane to believe that suffering is cause by anything outside the mind. A clear mind doesn’t suffer.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

We think “oh no! If I am NOT upset by reality, then I will be weird, uncaring, unpopular, too detached, selfish…”

We think “oh no! If I am TOO upset then I am allowing my feelings to overwhelm me, I’m unenlightened, I am believing terrible thoughts!”

No win.

What to do when you can’t win? Surrender. And then watch what happens with an open, surrendered mind.

When something terrible happens, reality is that you may feel the horror, the sadness, the pain of it.

And reality will move and change. That’s the way of it.

“The heart is right to cry
Even when the smallest drop of light,
Of love,
Is taken away.
Perhaps you may kick, moan, scream,
In a dignified
Silence,
but you are so right
To do so in any fashion
Until God returns
To
You.”
~Hafiz

Love,
Grace

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The Universe Abandoned Me

Today I woke up thinking about one of my favorite people, someone who has been a really close friend in the past.

But we don’t talk much anymore. We haven’t seen each other in a really long time. My last emails went unanswered.

Inside, I felt a little sad.

There is distance here. That person is far away. No communication. No flow.

The mind immediately begins to make suggestions for solving the problem. DISTANCE is a problem, in this situation.

Have you ever noticed that the mind can actually speak to you in third person? My thoughts were going something like this:

I think you did something wrong! Maybe you weren’t interesting enough? Maybe you failed to share honestly about something? Perhaps you hurt his feelings? That last time you were together wasn’t ideal–maybe you should have talked about it? Something happened in this friendship, that’s for sure! You think you’ve sorted this through and reached the best conclusion possible, but NO. You haven’t!

Then another member of the Mind Committee appears on the scene to offer its opinion about this person you’re thinking about! Well…he did have a lot of faults…maybe this is all for the best! Remember how much he complained? He talked too much, he drank too much, he interrupted, he was a bad listener, he was too bossy…

It’s like the mind is making a case for defense, trying to argue its way to a peaceful conclusion.

As my mind took off on its journey to analyze the heck out of the exact same relationship that it has already thought about before, I realized…OH.

I haven’t done The Work yet on that person.

When the Mind Committee gets big enough to look like the Wall Street stock market floor with people shouting, noise, arms waving, and anger, worry, fear, doubt, and sadness all present….then that’s a very clear sign that sitting down and doing The Work might have been a good idea awhile ago.

If the Mind Committee has only sent two voices to come into the room and start talking (like my experience this morning when I woke up) then it might be a good idea to notice this and do The Work NOW, before it gets louder and bigger…before the reinforcements and teams of debaters are ordered in.

So I sat down and I wrote out my judgments. What do I want from him, that would make me happy? What do I need? What should he do, what should he say, or think, or feel?

Then I take only one of these thoughts, just one of them. I don’t have to question everything, I don’t have to get this whole thing wrapped up in one fell swoop. Time is not important here.

This is starting with only ONE stressful thought. It doesn’t have to be the “best” thought to question. It’s identifying an idea I have that I feel is serious, sad, painful.

He abandoned me.

Yes! That is sooooo true! He ditched me, he doesn’t have the staying power of a real friend, he’s shallow, superficial, he’s not cut out for real depth of honesty, he is flawed, good riddance!

Can I absolutely KNOW that it is TRUE that he abandoned me? Really? Can I know that Abandonment is what is going on here? And that he is doing it, 100%?

Well. Um. Not really. No. Now that I think about it, it isn’t true at all.

How do I react when I wake up with a memory of him and I have regrets, doubts, concern…when I am believing that he abandoned me?

SAD SAD SAD.

Who would I be without the thought that he abandoned me? If I really couldn’t even have this belief? If it didn’t occur to me? Who would I be if I came from another world and got dropped into this situation without the thought that ABANDONMENT is going on here?

I notice that I think about him and feel happiness. How much I loved our conversations. How much laughing, crying, intimacy has happened. Gratitude for him, whether he is here at the moment or not. Appreciation for him….whether he responds to my emails or not. Smiling, without the thought.

The turnaround to the thought, the exact opposite, is “he did NOT abandon me.”

How is this just as true, or truer? Can I find real, genuine examples of ways he did not abandon me, even though there is distance, apparently, between us? Even though we haven’t talked in a long time?

Well, first of all…ahem…he is busy living his own life, and its not all about me. He has a huge project he’s working on. He’s traveling. He’s in an important primary relationship in his life that he’s trying to sort out. He’s taking care of himself.

I don’t have to know all about it. I don’t have to know the details. I mean….really. Would I want to say “stop doing all those things and take time out to contact ME! You need to show ME that you care. Where are you? Get over HERE! You need to come towards ME. ME ME ME.”

Sigh. This Work is NOT about raking yourself over the coals, listing your faults and concluding that you yourself are the culprit. THAT kind of turning-it-around is not compassionate or loving.

Seriousness is a clue that you are attacking yourself in some way, if you turn something around and it feels painful at first.

So I notice it is kinda funny, this whole all-eyes-on-me thing that happens eternally, with the little unquestioned mind. Everything is about me. He isn’t living his life, making his own choices and decisions, out there in the world. Nooooo, he abandoned me!

And ultimately, there is the turnaround to myself that I look at through this process of The Work: “I abandoned myself”.

How is THAT true, right in the middle of this friendship? Right in the middle of this memory of that person, as I woke up this morning?

I abandoned myself as quickly as you can say Jack Robinson. The minute I thought of that dear person, I related him to ME and instead of feeling loving, sweet, affectionate, grateful, and full of joy…I felt slighted, attacked, dismissed, judged, uncared for, confused and abandoned.

In the present moment, with the memory of that person, I was sad.

I must confess….this thought of abandonment has been one I have had before. No! Really? OMG! (joke).

I notice that another example of how I abandon myself is that I have believed the Universe itself….love, security, happiness, care, joy….all of this has abandoned me at times.

I have believed that the Universe/God/Source is not friendly but instead totally uncaring, in a bad way. Those difficult things happened that were scary, terrible, threatening.

I remember now, in this morning’s Work, that this thought I have had, about this friend, is something I have thought before about all THIS. The world. Life. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m doing my Abandonment Thinking thing.

“It takes a lot of courage to go inside yourself and find genuine answers to the four questions of The Work. When you do, you lose all your stories about the world–you lose the whole world as you understood it to be….You open your arms to reality. Just show me a problem that doesn’t come from believing an untrue thought.”~ Byron Katie

Could it be true, or truer, that there is no abandonment going on, ever…except in my own mind? Could it be true that this mysterious World is never abandoning me?

Because as it turns out, I’m sitting here, breathing, alive, typing, drinking tea, seeing rain come down outside the window.

I mean, there is stuff EVERYWHERE. Objects, colors, sensation, light, heart beating, furniture, heat, windows, aliveness, a bird squalking somewhere, rain tapping on the roof, image of my friend, peace…joy.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.”~Tao Te Ching #79

I demand nothing of others? That means I don’t demand they “not abandon” me. I don’t assume they have.

Suddenly, it’s a very friendly universe.

Love, Grace

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Ending The Inner Holocaust

I will never forget when I first was exposed to The Work on the WWII holocaust. I had already been doing The Work for awhile. I was at an event with Katie known as The Cleanse, where people come from all over the world to do The Work and listen to Katie working with individuals on stage.

This is one of the most devastating, terrifying experiences of human history for many people…any holocaust. When many are killed violently by others. Groups of people against each other, terror, dictators, destruction.

I had written a worksheet on Hitler before, but not questioned and investigated all my fears and beliefs about him within my mind. It’s almost like I couldn’t quite go there yet, I couldn’t see how one could even ask whether or not the holocaust was horrifying…or question that its occurrence was hell. It was horrifying, that was just true.

How could any of us accept this kind of experience? And I could NEVER love it, that’s for sure.

A woman sat in the chair with Katie and read her worksheet. Instead of the worksheet being on Hitler or the Nazis, it was directed to the people who walked to their death, the victims. They should have done something, they should have run, they should have fought.

As I listened to the story of how the victims should have fought, with violence against violence, self-defense, something in me became willing to consider every little nuance of my own perspective.

Just by listening to someone else do The Work, the questions were present inside me. The answers were alive.

It didn’t mean I had to love it. It didn’t mean I had to fear it either.

I had other visions of terror. Viet Nam, Cambodia’s Killing Fields, Rwanda, the Wounded Knee Massacre, Hiroshima, WWI. Many stories.

I had never been in an actual war myself, or even been around a real gun that went off.

And yet, just hearing the stories….I was scared about the nature of humanity, what it was capable of. I had been scared my entire life.

Sometimes when we ask the question “is it true?” about something we are believing, it seems like the answer is absolutely yes. Those situations, those wars, that horror, that was pure hell-on-earth darkness.

And that day, even while in my own life it felt like everything was falling apart (divorce, moving, almost no money left, sleepless nights, unhappy) I heard an amazing idea:

What if that event was not 100% absolute total and complete destruction? What if something could rise out of it that was healing?

I once heard Katie say “if I break my arm, I immediately begin to see the advantages”.

What if it was possible to remember or hear these terrible stories about evil in the world, and know we are all OK anyway?

Could it be possible still that the universe is ultimately friendly?

One thought I had was that for the universe to be friendly, then death must not be as bad as I am thinking it is. The most terrible end-result happening there in that awful, gut-wrenching situation was death, or the body being destroyed or maimed (if there was not death).

I realized that I did not actually KNOW that death was horrendous. I did not know that if I died with a group of other people, all at once together, that this would be worse than dying on my own.

I also didn’t know whose fault it was. I could say the dictator’s fault….but I don’t really know that. Many factors had to come into play together to create any war.

“Fear teaches fear. Only peace can teach peace.”~Byron Katie

The mind screams in terror, the images repeat themselves. The actual event is over, and then the story lives on to be re-lived.

I notice when I think with terror about these terrifying events in history, I am sitting here as a ball of fearful energy, even if I am surrounded by a silent, quiet house and never have seen an actual real weapon.

This is not about being in denial. In fact, hearing the woman’s work on the holocaust brought me into the feelings and fears I had not even looked at yet.

I was coming OUT of denial.

I realized that without questioning my thinking, I saw myself and people who were “victims” as small, powerless, sad, hopeless creatures. I saw dictators as crazy, insane, violent, brutal destroyers of happiness. End of story.

“The war I made against my family and against myself was as brutal as any bomb that could be dropped. And at a certain point, I stopped bombing myself. I began to do this Work. I answered the questions with a simple yes or no. I sat in the answers, I let them sink in, and I found freedom…..This story is your gift. When you can experience it without fear, your work is done. There is only one person who can end your internal war, and that’s you.”~Byron Katie

If you’re ready to go for it, write a worksheet today on that person or people who were to blame for introducing fear, ruin, devastation, decimation into this world.

Bring yourself this investigation, even if it seems hopeless or unfathomable that peace could be present inside you with those terrible images. Maybe it can. Maybe it is.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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Being Sick Happens

Being sick or having pain in the body is typically difficult for most humans.

This hurts. It should stop. I need help. This is a problem.

Here is this body, which normally we think of as “ours”, which we’re inhabiting.  It’s making noise right now. It’s bringing attention to itself, or part of itself, it seems.

So what do we mean by “this is a problem”?

I just had a fever for about 30 hours, sleeping from 7:00 pm until dawn two nights in a row. Very unusual. It appears to be gone this morning, although my stomach still hurts and is very tender to the touch.

Part of the mind kicks into high gear “What did I eat? What could this be? Am I reacting to that flu shot? Where’s the Tylenol? I must do everything I can to get rid of this.”

The mind is interested in the past and the future. What happened (so I can understand it and prevent it) and what can I do to get rid of it in the future. Hopefully the NEAR future.

But with inquiry, something else also arises with sickness or pain, I’ve noticed. I feel all the sensations and strangely, without really trying, I begin to find advantages. I’m not kidding, this happens almost as quickly as the resistance to the pain. Weird.

So what is good about this fever state over the past couple of days? What is useful? Even just a drop of usefulness…it doesn’t have to be amazing, life-changing, or fantastic.

  • I happen to be traveling, on my way to a meditation retreat, so with this stomach pain increasing I notice how well I still move from point A to point B, just at a slower pace.
  • I don’t have to worry about finding something good to eat for lunch when I get off the plane.
  • I go straight to a hotel room instead of exploring the area, I spend the day by myself quietly, I go to sleep for 12 hours.
  • I participate in the meditation retreat even though my whole body is pulsing with fever and all my bones ache, I know being right here is fabulous and better than anywhere else.
  • I notice that I completely forget about my body for sections of time, because my mind gets very interested in the teaching, the conversation, the questions raised by participants in this retreat.
  • I don’t think about where or how to exercise, run or move the body in the usual daily practice I have of doing that.
  • I remember how this body is not all of me, it is some kind of vehicle, it will die and dissolve one day, it has a limited life span, this physical thing is all temporary…for me and for everyone. That’s the way of it.
  • I realize how vulnerable this body is, and get the chance once again to contemplate this vulnerability as NOT being terrible. Could it even be beautiful? Vulnerability, after all, is open, sensitive, delicate, gentle and without defense. Quiet and fearless.

Then suddenly I am amazed. Feeling ill has brought this reflection on the temporary nature of this body. I could die this weekend (although probably not, chuckle).

I see how this one part of my mind doesn’t like that idea. It feels afraid of dying. It is against pain and accidents and sickness. It demands wellness at all times.

I laugh, though, because that Dictator Defender part of the mind, I see, is only afraid.

It thinks that “I” am this body…that I am important as this body. It thinks that if this body dies, then “I” will end and that is BAD.

The Dictator Defender thinks there is danger lurking here.

I need to LIVE!!!

Really? Is it true? What for?

The world will continue to revolve, life will spring up everywhere, in fact right now in the present moment, life and death are happening all over the place.

The people I love and who love me will go on and have amazing adventures…that would happen whether I was alive or dead actually.

Reality, the Universe, All This…seems to be changing constantly; unstable, morphing, moving, undulating, alive, transforming.

I discover here, with sickness, that I imagined that I would miss something if I were ill. That it would be better if I were not ill. I absolutely cannot know that this is true.

In fact, I’m pretty dang sure in this moment that it is incredible to have been feverish for a day and a half. I just learned or re-learned that what I truly am is not this body.

I am a part of a great Consciousness that continues, exists, and contains everything, where things within it come and go. This body doesn’t matter, really.

“In the beginning was the Tao. All things issue from it; all things return to it….Seeing into darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.”~Tao Te Ching #52

Maybe it is not sad that this body doesn’t matter. Just imagine if it wasn’t. Maybe it is not frightening, or depressing, or shocking.

Who would you be without that thought that you need this body, you need this body to be healthy, you need to live, or you need to defend against vulnerability, sickness or death?

Wow. I would be observing. Noticing. Amazed. Watching. Here Now. Not Afraid. Not Against.

I would also take Tylenol and drink lots of water. Which I did.

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This Body Takes Away My Peace

Byron Katie has said some pretty radical things about bodies….namely “a peaceful mind doesn’t care about a body.”

Not care about my body? Really?

People have many different levels of care about their bodies…some are very concerned, some have grave illness, some have constant pain, some have terrible injuries, some have head colds or back aches.

The trick with powerful quotes like Katie’s is NOT to read it and then jump immediately to why you are so wrong to have thought of your body during your life so often, and with such passion, with anger or criticism or concern.

All those cures, methods, doctors, practitioners, diets, medicines, tinctures, massages, specialists…they are all part of the path you’re on, a relationship you have with this thing called a body.

Some people get to meet many people who are healers of various body conditions, and some people do not. But everyone has body ailments of one kind or another before they exit their bodies for good. Everyone gets a body that dies sooner or later.

For some people, a strategy for dealing with the body is to pay as little attention as possible to it. I don’t think Katie is speaking of this kind of not caring.

You won’t become peaceful if you decide “fine, I won’t care about my body ever again, I will ignore it!”

But there is some place we all can become aware of that is beyond thoughts of the body, removed from these kinds of thoughts, different. We all have this inside us already. We all touch into this part of us many times a day, in fact. We sleep, have a conversation, read, think, discover, watch a movie, look, hear, rest, work. There is space in between thoughts of the body.

It’s the kind of Not Caring that I like to say is just Not Minding what happens. Those moments when I really don’t mind, I’m actually OK…I don’t know, I don’t have answers, but I couldn’t dream of figuring This all out.

“When you believe you are this body, you stay limited, small, apparently encapsulated as one separate form. So every thought has to be about your survival or your comfort or your pleasure, because if you let up for a moment, there would be no body-identification.”~Byron Katie

When we have something hurting, something painful…then thoughts of the body can appear to be more frequent, more intense. A problem is believed to be present, and boy howdy does the mind loves to solve problems!

Eckhart Tolle has said that when working with illness, the first and most important thing is becoming aware that YOU are not YOUR BODY. So, you are not “a sick person”. That is not what you actually are…not all of who you are.

You don’t need to actually even think of yourself as a sick person…and it is possible to focus on well-being, even when you don’t feel good. It may sound simple, but it’s not easy when you’re afraid or in pain.

“Choose to direct your attention to well-being rather than illness. As far as pain is concerned…don’t let the mind start also to complain about the pain. Don’t resist pain. Don’t create psychological pain on top of physical pain…..You CAN accept a situation that usually would be thought of as unacceptable….but not everybody is ready to hear this.”~Eckhart Tolle

Well-being, beauty, quiet, taking a deep breath, waiting, nature, art, music is all around. Moving your attention towards what is gentle in your environment, what you are drawn towards, what you like, even just a tiny bit.

The good news is that life goes the way it goes, and there’s no arguing with it. It’s the way of it. It’s actually OK no matter what you do, whether you find something around you that is without pain, whether you complain or don’t complain.

“None of us is ever OK, but we all get through everything just fine.”~Pema Chodron

It just may be a little easier, maybe a TON easier, if you relax and stop fighting this body situation. Not giving up with despair, just seeing what it’s like to be without the thought that you have a body that is sick or hurt, or fat or ugly. Giving up attack.

No longer against what is.

Love, Grace