Category: Pain, Sickness and Death

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Pain Brings The Most Alluring Thing

Yesterday I had a moment when in about 10 seconds I had the thoughts: “it’s all over from here…there will be a time I can never dance again…I have a limited time left on the planet”.  

I was feeling hip pain. From my gymnastics move about a month ago.

The right hamstring was injured, but now the left hip hurts since I’ve been favoring it, walking kinda weird, and ignoring it half the time.

Through my mind ran the following thoughts:

  • this pain will never go away
  • the writing’s on the wall…if hips are hurting, I’m on my way to the end
  • I have to finish my book before I croak! Quick!
  • I’ll never see my kids’ in their old age (so weird the way that works)
  • I need more time
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead

Then I thought about the great sage Ramana Maharshi for about ten minutes, as I have many times before, and his story of at age 16, lying down on the floor and pretending he was dead, just to see what it felt like.

BOOM. He saw what he was without a body.

So where’s my ecstatic “boom”? Seeing who I am without a body is kind of attractive at the moment!

I’m way older than 16 and I don’t have to pretend really, to get the sense that it’s over soon, and I’m going to be dead at some point.

But it pretty much feels like I’m stuck in this sack of flesh, for now, to put it bluntly.

Not that I hate the body…in fact, it’s genius, kind, accepting, miraculous and completely fascinating. Hurts, heals, changes.

Off and on throughout the day I feel the dull pain and I think about who I am before my parents were born, the zen koan.

I’m not even TRYING to concentrate on seeing from the perspective of No Body and Who-I-Truly-Am and all that rot. Yet, I’m thinking about this anyway!

There’s that silly mind again. On the job attempting to figure it out.

The voiceover from an old TV ad for Trix Cereal comes in, where the rabbit is doing everything he possibly can to get that awesome cereal, and he just can’t seem to outwit the situation and have what he wants.

The rabbit tries many maneuvers….and then discovers that he’s been trying to get something that is actually not possible for him to “get”.

Because he’s a rabbit. 

“Silly Rabbit”, the children say when they realize he’s been up to multiple shenanigans trying to acquire their cereal….“Trix Are For Kids!” 

Silly Mind! Awareness is not for you! 

But what IS for the mind, thank goodness, is The Work. At least, so far this mind seems to delight in it.

This mind (and yours probably, too) just LOVES to answer questions.

So let’s take a look at the troubling little thoughts about the body that have appeared from this message of pain apparently originating in a human hip.

Are these thoughts actually true that have been streaming through this mind? That the pain will never go away and it’s all downhill from here?

Well, I could be completely pain free (in fact, come to think of it right in this moment, on the same day only a few hours later as I write, I don’t feel pain).

And no, I don’t have to finish my book before I croak, or see my kids in their old age.

And it’s possible I don’t need more time….and it’s absolutely true that one day I won’t enter the dance studio anymore.

I mean, I am going to die….at least the physical body will.

But what if all this wasn’t a BAD BAD thing?

I mean, how I react when I believe these thoughts, and believe they are alarming, is that I am instantly afraid, nervous, planning, calculating, and grasping at all kinds of strategies for softening this situation, either emotionally, mentally or physically.

I’m the rabbit BEFORE he finds out the tricks are not for him. Ha!

Without the thought, however, that any of this pain, injury, change, death, departure or ending is terrible in the great big scheme of things….

….wow.

I am so curious, and interested in All This, including whatever Pain appears to be. (Is it energy? What is it?)

I remember that every time I enter the dance studio, I am different, so I’ve already lived the story of having no dance ever be repeated.

Without the thought, I see there is nothing guaranteed, nothing steady, nothing gained and lost, because nothing sticks anyway.

Without believing things are getting worse, I am excited to see what this body does, what it’s like, what happens next.

I’m psyched about the story unfolding. What will she do now?

Oh look, she went to physical therapy, she made a massage appointment, she slowed down and held still all day, she scheduled the book-writing time on her calendar.

She went to the dance studio and remembered the sweet friends who will never come there again, as they have already crossed over into death, and that we’ll all follow.

“The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands. But of course, if you don’t see that, if you’re hypnotized into thinking that you won’t be happy without this, that or the other things, you’re stuck.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Turning everything around, I see how this is all very wonderful, and nothing is ever truly permanently ending, and everything is always beginning, and fading away…

….and things are getting better. Could be just as true.

  • this pain will always go away; emotional, physical, all of it
  • I’m on my way to the end, to the beginning, who knows
  • I don’t have to finish my book, in fact when I die there will be tons of things unfinished, that’s the way of it
  • I have no idea how much of my kids’ lives I’ll see or not see, it’s a mystery and doesn’t seem up to me
  • I need less time! Whew, what a relief!
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead. Woohoo! What, did I want to dance here forever? That’d be weird.

“No-thing-ness…as much as that doesn’t make sense to the mind, is the most alluring thing of all.” ~ Adyashanti

I hear the rain pattering outside, drink an incredible taste of water, read a sweet text from my daughter, look into the vast gray sky, and for just a second my throat wells up with tears of gratitude.

Then even that passes and in this emptiness I am stunned to find gratitude also for the pain.

How else would I have been considering the mystery of life and death, and All This today?

Much Love, Grace

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The Work Stops World War Z

This past weekend, I was facilitating my Saturday morning dance and dripping with sweat and bursting with inspiration, as usual, and I decided to do a few cartwheels.

A few cartwheels is not a big deal for me, I did them non-stop from age 10 through 16 and then often beyond that, so they are kind of part of my natural movement.

But then I felt myself pretending I was on the gymnastics mat from almost forty years ago (astonishing, as it seemed like yesterday) and go for a round-off.

Suddenly I was back in my memories and living them out right in that moment….the run, the build-up, the intention to go hard, fast, and push off the floor and fly into that awesome movement of palms down to the floor, body flipping upside down and over, feet landing with a great spring and jump….

….and as I soared through the air, in my fantasies and in real life…..I felt a searing pain jab through my entire right leg from upper hip, shooting down into my knee and even my foot.

I did not fall, but it felt like my right hip was ripped out of the socket (that could be a little dramatic).

Thirty seconds later I was talking to myself “Yeah, that’s right. Walk it out. Keep moving, don’t sit down”.

I couldn’t have sat if I wanted to, there was such a huge pain in my right butt cheek.

I felt nauseated.

And then, I felt scared. And defiant. Like…OK that happened and NOW it is going AWAY.

Right? Universe? Hello?

In that moment of pain, and then the moments that followed, the mind kicked in with commentary about the situation.

  • Should I go to urgent care? But I’m still walking.
  • I need to know what happened, I need an assessment of the damage.
  • I’m an idiot.
  • Don’t let anyone see that you just did this to yourself
  • I am aging, just like everyone else. I can’t do gymnastics anymore (and this is terrible).
  • That was stupid.
  • Now I’ll miss: birthday party, bike ride, work, driving, doing whatever I want, accomplishing things around the house, writing (can’t sit up)
  • I can’t stand lying flat all day long, this is boring
  • I should welcome this opportunity like a meditation retreat
  • boy howdy, I’m not putting up with my no-dairy diet today! forget it!

Alarm bells! Panic Button! World War Z!

On the way home, wincing a bit and furrowing my brow, I could see my mind panic with visions of my end of life, no more dancing, sitting all crinkled up in a chair at age 100, suffering, remembering my life in gymnastics all those years ago.

Sad, upsetting, life-is-rough-then-you-die, down with pain, the beginning of the end, its over!

Thank goodness, as I took some turns into zombie-belief-land, turns out I had made a date to trade sessions in The Work with a very dear facilitator.

I wrote down my judgments on my hip, and all the ways it should change.

The most important being….it should not have gotten hurt. That simply shouldn’t have happened.

I watched my mind have a hissy fit. I made coffee and put half and half in it, even though I’ve been consuming no dairy for a few weeks. I felt sour.

I texted the two most top-level athlete friends I know and asked them for advice. One said something about tears and operations to reconnect ligaments.

I didn’t like this situation.

Stop. Is that true?

Even with the mind strategizing all the ways to heal quickly, prevent it from every happening again, and chide me for being stupid….can I really know that this SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Because it actually did happen. So arguing with reality is a bit, ummm, presumptuous.

“I don’t order God around. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me or for anyone I love. How can I know that?” ~ Byron Katie

WITH the thought that this event shouldn’t have happened, and I should not be hurt, I am entirely focused on the hurt. The worry. Imagining my days ahead. Sorry for myself. Angry with myself.

WITH the thought that this shouldn’t have happened…cream in my coffee suddenly becomes necessary. I need things to taste good.

Stop again. Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that this should not have happened?

Such a bizarre and foreign question. The mind normally races off, so dang positive its right about getting hurt.

But what an incredible question to contemplate. What if I really did not believe that this was BAD BAD BAD? What would that be like? Who would I be then?

It’s an adventure. Everything I thought I was doing is cancelled. Open territory.

I’m right up into the deep questions of the cosmos. Not caught up in the to-do list and busy.

Everything stops.

I enter the opposite field, where all is well. I am studying this experience, instead of raging a war with it.

  • I lie down and take ibuprofen medicine
  • I don’t need to know what happened, or become a doctor and understand the entire gamut of possibilities and hip anatomy
  • I’m a normal human being, not a zombie OR special
  • I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of
  • I am aging, just like everyone else, halleluia. What a fascinating path.
  • do I really need to do round-offs to have a happy life?
  • That was brilliant!
  • Now I’ll gain: slowing down, staying home, watching a movie with my daughter, watching another movie with my husband, reading about Buddhist practice in business, doing nothing, having time to do The Work with my friend for 2.5 hours
  • I love lying flat all day long, this is exciting
  • this IS like a meditation retreat

I watched the advantages come alive about this situation, because I decided to look for them, not resist them.

Watching myself be human.

“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past.”~ Byron Katie

In the moment of the round-off pain did I love it? Well. My mind did not. It was doing its Emergency Management thing.

But I notice that now, a few days later, and after doing The Work, I am relaxed, quieter. Writing this sitting up.

Drinking a cup of tea with coconut milk.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re like me and you need support to stay in inquiry, connecting with other wonderful humans all of whom are interested in remembering to question their thinking….then come join either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass. Both meet on Thursdays.

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This Life Is Enough

Today I went to my very first open casket viewing of the death of the golden-hearted young man, a beautiful friend of mine, who suddenly died this past week.

It was a mild, soft, mid-summer afternoon. I parked and crossed the street with heavy city traffic moving by in all directions.

The very same funeral home where I sat over two decades ago at a large dark wooden table with my three sisters and my mother, as we received the ashes of my father’s body.

All these years later, and I knew right where to go, not one wrong turn. Even though I have only been inside once, it is there in a central part of my city, I see it and notice this funeral home from time to time.

I remembered the forest green trim, the carpet, the gentle hush inside.

This time I was guided to the right as I entered the home.

It is amazing to look upon the body which once held such a sweet friend, the face still intact, the hands folded gently across his waist.

I sat with his family, listening to them talk about their son/nephew/grandson, and then looking, looking again over at him….imagining him with laughing eyes open, like the photo on the stand nearby.

His body there, but not him.

The life force that moves and courses through us, that animates us…so very mysterious.

No clearly identifiable source, no socket we’re plugged into that we can see with our body eyes.

Yet, we all know when its there or not there. We feel it.

As I sat in the quiet place, with talk and movement of people, the ache in my heart was still heavy, the tears still there, caught in my throat in waves.

But I knew that this time of someone dying was a repeating experience.

I remembered that my mind wants to understand and KNOW. My heart, or something else that is not really the mind, is quiet. It only wants to be.

Those who have gone are apart, separated, far away, missing, lost, silent, absent, unfinished…..is that true?

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

I remember my father like it was yesterday that he was here. I see the face of my young friend with his adorable smile.

Even though my heart feels like it’s breaking open, I feel the Great Hum of something that knows this day, this moment, is part of all of this here.

Who would I be without the thought that death is a problem?

I’m not even sure.

It stops my mind short, to even imagine it…….Something happens that unfreezes a bit.

Something opens, quizzical, so uncertain, so strange….not the kind of thinking I’ve practiced when it comes to death.

What if this is all enough? What if that life was enough?

(Even though a voice protests that it wasn’t).

Even here, with the going and coming of the most profound level. The going of someone I love.

Suddenly, as inquiry washes through me, I realize that this very same day, only hours before I was sitting in the funeral home, I had run into a friend with his brand new baby only 12 weeks old. He was seeing her briefly during lunch hour at day care, before he returned to work.

A body just born to here, a body just left here.

Could it all be enough? Really?

That is the turnaround, the awareness of the opposite. Maybe this is enough, has been enough, will be enough.

“When you realize what you are now, the issue of death will solve itself.” ~ Adyashanti

Yes, perhaps this is enough, here. Perhaps my heart is full beyond comprehension. Perhaps All This is full beyond imagination.

I notice that NOW, I am going to put on my dancing clothes, and go dance. For now, this body is dancing on this planet, apparently, without needing to understand….without asking why. Even with tears, pouring down my own cheeks.

“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #33

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Letting Go In Grief

Yesterday morning I learned that a young man had died who I did not know extremely well. Not the details of his life, or what he was doing every day.

Whatever “knowing” someone extremely well means….

I had found him totally and completely delightful and sweet, like giving him a big huge hug, from the moment I met him. Like recognizing a long-lost friend.

He came to the dance I facilitate with my partner, and several other dances attended by many people who love to dance in Seattle.

When I learned he was gone, I began to weep.

He reminded me of my son from the very start….they look fairly similar, are close in age, and have a kind-hearted, joyful, unassuming energy.

Maybe this is why I felt so tender towards him.

Or maybe it was because he reminded me of myself.

Seeking answers, asking questions, craving understanding, observing the love and pain of this world and having a great hunger to know.

When I was 22, the age of this dear young man, I suffered deeply from my own thoughts about life and death.

Life actually felt very difficult at the time. I had dropped out of college. I wasn’t sure which direction to take. I wanted only to read philosophical works, spiritual scripture and sacred text, and talk about meaningful life-and-death matters.

Fortunately (I can now say it was fortunate) that never stopped.

And here today, learning of this death, I feel very contemplative and full of grief.

Almost like its too much to write about, and yet it is here, filling my consciousness.

Death feels so decisive, permanent. It feels like loss.

Every single one of us has known others who have died.

And what is this moment when the awareness that someone is gone occurs, and there is a powerful energy that moves like a great wave?

The temporary nature of everything presents itself.

Here again today….everything is temporary.

This past year I have encountered two other deaths of people I knew and loved. I still think about them. I still see them talking, smiling, in my mind. So vivid.

I still see my own father, gone so many years apparently, standing in the kitchen, cooking and wearing a big chef’s apron. Like it was yesterday.

Talking, smiling, his facial expressions, his wire-rimmed glasses.

The mind calls up the picture with such acute precision, so real.

Then the feeling enters, an expression of the thoughts and beliefs.

The grief pours in when I have the thought “I will never have that again” or “I want more of this image, this person, but more is impossible”.

Can I be with this memory, and allow it to live, in big-screen technicolor? Just let it be here, this full-blown memory of this wonderful person who I loved?

Because when I can let it live here in this present moment, when I take in my surroundings (oak table, green chairs, silver laptop computer, family baby photos, sound of airplane, white flower in vase, pink fingernails typing) then this is all here, as well as the internal image (his face, smiling, laughing, head tipped back, brown eyes, happiness).

All here. Things, pictures, memories, feelings, grief, appreciation, love.

Unknown, mysterious, impermanent, wild.

Letting go of the demand, the ache to have more of something….more time, more connection, more of that memory, that person, more, more, please more.

Even being with the feeling of wanting more.

Recently, a dear friend offered this poem on the anniversary of her husband’s passing.

Today, I share it with you, in honor of those who have gone before, whose images I hold in my mind and heart.

When the heart breaks open with letting go.

Walking Away
For Sean
C Day Lewis

It is eighteen years ago, almost to the day –
A sunny day with leaves just turning,
The touch-lines new-ruled – since I watched you play
Your first game of football, then, like a satellite
Wrenched from its orbit, go drifting away

Behind a scatter of boys. I can see
You walking away from me towards the school
With the pathos of a half-fledged thing set free
Into a wilderness, the gait of one
Who finds no path where the path should be.

That hesitant figure, eddying away
Like a winged seed loosened from its parent stem,
Has something I never quite grasp to convey
About nature’s give-and-take – the small, the scorching
Ordeals which fire one’s irresolute clay.

I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show –
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go. 

Love, Grace

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Feelings Are Guides From Beyond

When something really difficult happens, and I mean something drastic, final, life-changing, perhaps shocking….then it is natural for a human being to react.

Someone dies, you find out you have a disease, an accident occurs, a relationship changes, you lose something (your job, your house, a possession)….

….The thing happens, you take it in fast, you respond. Your mind generates feelings, your body feels them almost simultaneously.

The feelings may develop immediately, they may morph and move in various directions. They may come and go from day to day after the event.

One thing I’ve noticed over time, working with many people one-on-one, is that people become very afraid of their big feelings, and afraid of the event repeating itself.

It’s like the mind screams “EMERGENCY! You cannot feel this much. You will have a heart attack. You can’t live through this grief. You aren’t gonna make it. You must do everything to get back to ground zero, calmness, relaxation, stability.”

The mind presents to us images, pictures, ideas, someone’s voice speaking in our head, words. You’re repeating the event in your mind over and over, and tightening up over and over against the event.

It feels like a little child, squeezing her eyes tight and plugging her ears with her fingers and making noise with her mouth so she can’t hear the frightening or see the scary thing happening.

It’s one huge gigantic “NOOOOOOOOO!”

When the traumatic event happens, you have the first-time experience of going through it.

But then the mind goes into replay. Rewind, replay, fast forward, rewind, replay.

The mind wants to do its job as a protector (it thinks it can) and make sure that thing NEVER happens to you again. EVER.

Which is of course impossible to guarantee.

It’s a full time job trying to manage, diminish, reduce, fix, or contain the very stressful and painful feelings.

I have found in myself these simple beliefs; “I can’t accept this situation, I can’t handle these feelings” are profoundly stressful.

No matter how subtle or huge these beliefs may be…it requires effort to hold onto them.

The way I myself have reacted, and the way other people also describe reacting, when believing they can’t handle “x”, they can’t handle their feelings about “x”, is they are frozen, they panic, they work very hard and use tremendous effort to change.

How do I react when I believe I can’t handle a situation, and I certainly can’t handle it ever happening again?

Adrenaline, busy mind, anxiety, lack of humor, irritation at other people who don’t feel the same fears….feeling alone, feeling self-pity, singled out, squeezed, tense, sleepless, planning for the worst case scenario.

Who would you be without the belief that you can’t handle what has happened? That you couldn’t handle it happening again in the future?

Or that having a big reaction of fear, pain, agony, or grief is horrible and must be shut down?

When I first began to sink into The Work and realize along the way that I could question my deepest, most profound personal fears….I realized that this meant my most deeply imagined horrors about life.

The death of my children, earthquakes, sickness, war, violence.

Interesting that these all have to do with death. The threat of death, the probability of death, the awareness of death, the possibility of death.

Group death, my death, the death of many, the death of people I care about.

But who would I be without the thoughts “I can’t handle this situation. I can’t handle death. I can’t handle the fear!”

Who would I be without the thought that my fear is bad, frightening, wrong, must be controlled? Without the thought “I shouldn’t be afraid.”

I would feel accepting of my own reactions. I would be kind towards myself when I had strong uncomfortable feelings. Gentle, compassionate.

I would feel so real, and free. I am afraid.

Without the thought that I shouldn’t be feeling whatever I am feeling, I notice something inside the middle of my body relaxes, and the feelings of fear, or the horror-visions that my mind sees sometimes, the anger, all of these are accepted here somehow, maybe even welcomed.

How do I know I’m supposed to be afraid? Or in pain? Or feeling grief?

I am.

And then I can discover what I am thinking, and question it with such openness and willingness, without trying to change what I’m feeling.

What I’m feeling, in fact, takes care of itself.

Feeling intense fear, rage or grief will simply be felt, it will move as it moves.

No need to control yourself or pull yourself together, or manage your feelings or stop being so afraid of that terrible thing happening again.

See if you can feel what it’s like to simply be whatever you are, without worrying about it or condemning it.

Hello terror. Hello rage. Hello profound grief.

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.” 

~ Rumi

….Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. 

~ Rumi 

Much Love, Grace

 

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Trauma Mirror, Mirror Therapy

Many inquiries for Breitenbush retreat, the One Year Inquiry program, and the upcoming June teleclasses! So excited to meet and be with all of you who are coming to in-person programs, including those of you flying thousands of miles to attend. I so LOVE that you are coming.

At Breitenbush, we will look deeply at our relationship to our own bodies, every part of it we don’t like or are worried about…and how this relationship expands out to our relationship with life, death and the universe.

Speaking of the body and difficult parts, I was reading recently of the phenomena of great pain in the body occurring long after a traumatic accident occurs.

I had to re-read the text, in this fascinating book entitled Mind Over Mind by Chris Berdik, to make sure I understood what was being said.

YES…people feel ongoing pain or itching or weird sensations that feel like its coming from parts of their body that are no longer there, or that no longer work.

Apparently, over time, many scientists and physicians and psychologists have tackled the problem of “phantom” pain.

Then a neuroscientist called Vilayanur Ramachandra created a process of making the mind “see” a pretend whole limb and voila, the pain or weird sensations subside for some people.

He calls it Mirror Therapy.

The way it works is that a mirror is held up to the whole, complete, un-lost or un-injured looking body part using a mirror. The mind sees a healthy, complete body part, where it was NOT perfect before, and the pain diminishes, or in some cases is gone.

They don’t really know why, they said in the book, and the results are not definitive….but as I read this, I considered self-inquiry on the body and the way a change in perception of what is can change the way we feel.

So what changed first when I did inquiry; my own mind and what it expected to see…or the actual body part I was looking at with disdain or upset?

Because regularly, throughout my life, I’ve had a few stressful thoughts about the body and what the eyes are seeing.

It happened again the other day, as a matter of fact.

I’m walking along the beach, happy as a clam, thinking about my friends, my clients, all the people I hear from on email, and the pretty weather, and the bulbous clouds, and hearing the sounds, and feeling the space of being on vacation and having no real plans…and then….

I glimpse at my reflection in the bungalow office window and immediately see nine things wrong with my image. And I could probably find more if I spent sixty more seconds thinking about it.

  1. tank top does not match skirt–where’s the color chart!
  2. feet are peeling and ugly and unfeminine, and these flip-flops are pretty ugly and worn out
  3. thighs should be thinner, stomach tighter
  4. jiggly butt, not firm enough, should be pure muscle
  5. hair color too orange, especially in this bright light…covering the gray is not exactly working “naturally”
  6. facial skin too wrinkled around the outer lips, like the cheeks are drooping to Texas
  7. same exact earrings since I left town…which by the way do not match the tank-top OR the skirt at all
  8. vein on left side of neck is huge, as usual since I first noticed it around age 19
  9. couple back on beach having wedding pictures taken, bride in pink and white, looked young, glorious and beautiful…those days are pretty much over for me

It used to be that these kinds of speedy images were very serious. I would then start in on solving these problems, or feel discouraged.

With a vengeance.

Time for Basic Training! Make a plan! Exercise More! CHANGE THE IMAGE IN THE MIRROR through doing stuff.

But since I’ve done The Work and questioned my thinking and very perception of this kind of stuff, and reading about this mirror therapy idea, I know the mind can change completely…the response to what it sees can change completely.

Eyes open, eyes closed, it doesn’t matter.

Who would we be if we didn’t believe the image truly meant something bad? What if we could allow the mind to look, and keep looking, and not turn away in horror or disappointment… but to let it wait and really look.

What if we just added a wee tad bit of an open-hearted, accepting attitude? Like we were listening to our best friend say how ugly she felt that morning, and we looked and saw only absolute beauty, even if yes, we agree that she has more wrinkles than she had twenty years ago.

Maybe we’d get used to this body and the images our mind apparently sees, and the feeling of being against what we see might subside.

What if you came from another planet and you didn’t know what a “perfect” body part was supposed to look like? What if you never learned about wrinkling skin being horrifying, or mis-matching apparel?

When I think about who I would be without the thought that any of those speedy quick images MEAN anything….wow. It would all be a big mumbo-jumbo potpourri of creative and changing pictures.

And the pictures would be fun, interesting, fascinating, intriguing, beautiful, ugly, and it wouldn’t matter…it’s just not that freakin’ serious, or real.

Then, you would be someone who lives without believing the thought that you need to change anything about your body in order to be deeply happy.

“It’s helpful to realize that this body that we have, this very body that’s sitting here right now on this shrine room floor……and this mind that we have at this very moment, are exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.”~Pema Chodron 

That means THIS body, with the big neck vein and the growing facial lines and jiggling areas….and the body that got cancer, is exactly what I need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.

Turning it all around, I see the flash of images, in my head or in the mirror, and hold them all in my mind instead of brushing them aside and I LOOK….and everything that once seemed alarming now looks beautiful and sweet….or neutral.

Even the huge scar on my leg from removing a tumor.

So here’s an exercise for us all: try staring at something you think of as ugly or awful, and see what happens. Especially if you decide to bekind (hint: this is the turnaround)…you might be surprised.

You might see yourself as not so ugly….maybe gorgeous. Or at the very least, you will see what you are thinking about your appearance with clarity, and you can question it more completely.

Later, looking at myself in a mirror as I entered the bathroom to brush my teeth, I was startled to see how cute, attractive and appealing that image in the mirror looked.

What a cute smile! What an adorable person! That’s ME!

I guess, somehow, it’s what my mind expected so BOOM there it was…after questioning my thoughts of ugliness and decline.

If you’re ready to do inquiry, and do your mirror therapy, starting with this body you have, then come to Breitenbush. Last chance to register! We gather together in only one month!

Love, Grace

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Are You Just A Body?

Last Sunday evening I was in a small discussion group, all of us with our bag dinners. Plus pizza.

The topic was, in a nutshell, “who am I?”

A question asked by many spiritual teachers and scientists and psychologists over the centuries.

Once when I was on meditation retreat with Adyashanti, I went up to the microphone to talk with him.

After a rambling few words, Adya stopped me and said “Quick…without thinking…before you even analyze it…answer this question really fast and tell me what your answer is. But remember, don’t think about it, just tell me what you first instantly come up with!”

I agreed.

Then he said “OK, ready?”

Yes. Ready. Give it to me.

“Who are you?”

Oh jeez, not that question. I hate that question! I’ve been asking myself that question for years and don’t have a definitive answer. That question drives me CRAZY!!

But this time, I had to speak what I saw/felt/went with BEFORE I started thinking about it.

I saw wide, vast, empty open space. Like the view from an airplane, only without the plane.

“Great! OK then!” he replied.

That was it? I returned to my seat.

But it set off some kind of openness to being much more than “me” or this body or this personality. Without having to have an absolute ANSWER.

Maybe the answer for me was…”I don’t know”. And that was a good answer.

Last Sunday several of the participants in that discussion were puzzling about what the body is, if there is such a strong sense of vast space, or consciousness that is completely beyond the body, when it comes to all that we are.

The body seems to be there, every day. Basically the same one, although it has lots of changes over time, so its not really the same one.

A man who was a scientist spoke up, and everyone could tell he was very agitated. He said that of course he was this body, and that when it died, that was the end of him….that there was nothing more and anyone was a fool to think otherwise. You live, you die.

He was triggered, he said he would never come back to a discussion group like this again! He really seemed afraid, angry.

My heart went out to him. It brings on depression, fear, stress, and tension to judge that All This is the body, and that it is limited, useless and meaningless.

“The body is a physical form that shares the destiny of all forms: impermanence and ultimately decay. Equating the sense-perceived body that is destined to grow old, wither and die, with “I” always leads to suffering sooner or later.”~ Eckhart Tolle 

When I believe that who I am is my body, this machine, this living thing…and that’s it….then I can find that frightening.

But if I am not identified with the body, then it doesn’t matter if I have illness, or injury, or weakness, or vulnerability…..or beauty or strength, either.

I know that I am a part of something bigger….even if its very simple, just life on the planet, life energy.

Not that complicated. Birth, death, birth, death. All is well.

“When we know we’re going to die, when we really get that, in that moment we realize that we’re not in control. And then we get to watch. We get to watch this beautiful way of it. And love it. And not miss our own death.”~Byron Katie 

Who are you, besides a body? It’s OK not to know exactly.

In fact, not knowing may set you free into joy. Exciting!

Much love, Grace

P.S. Almost full! Come to Breitenbush Hot Springs to question your identification with the body. Find out what’s left when what you think is true….isn’t.

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Time For Work On The Body

We have only a few spots left in our fabulous retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs Spa and Resort in eastern Oregon, USA.

We will do The Work of Byron Katie on THE BODY.

It’s a big topic. It ranges from smallish criticism and petty ideas….all the way to terror around death and pain.

My personal story is one of near suicidal despair and anger about my eating disorder (bulimia with a two-year anorexic stint) and my violent and unhappy relationship with having a body, eating food, and self-acceptance.

I also had a little illness called cancer.

My amazing and kind co-leader, Susan Grace Beekman (yes, we both are bear the name Grace…we think this is a good sign, maybe) has had her own journey of self-discovery through the body and now looks deeply at pain, aging and bum-knees, using inquiry.

Susan Grace has also been visited by the thought “I should be thinner” in earlier years in her life.

The relationship with the body has profound similarities to the relationship with the universe, with our relationship to our lives.

We seem to be housed in this unique envelope, called a body. And yet, everyone else has one that is generally pretty similar.

Separate, yet One.

Our look at these bodies and what we think of them offer beautiful learning about how our own minds and perceptions work.

What is this mind that is aware of this body?

What is so upsetting about the faults and vulnerabilities of this body here, or that body over there?

Investigating the experience of the body, whether sickness, injury, permanent change, aging, weight, or worry can lead to great freedom…if you’re ready to question what you’re thinking.

We have wonderful and thoughtful exercises planned, for clearly identifying what you really believe, for facing the endless chatter or terrible fear about your body.

We will dive into The Work and inquire. We will learn from each other.

Even if you have no experience in self-inquiry, or with The Work of Byron Katie, you will learn to do it well on this topic of the body.

Even though we’re nearly full, we’re extending the early registration deadline to May 15th, 2013 for the tuition portion of this retreat.

Check out everything HERE. You have to call Breitenbush to register, only by phone. This intriguing resort is deep in the mountains, no internet, no cell connection. It is time for rejuvenation, deep internal work, close contact with supportive people in the journey into yourself and your own thinking. Call 503-854-3320.

Much love, Grace

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Ouch This Shouldn’t Hurt

Today I am moving very slowly as I injured my back yesterday being my crazy energetic self while dancing.

Yesterday, wild dancing. Today, resting and taking ibuprofen.

In the past, I would have been soooooooo upset about this injury. OUCH! This hurts! Dang-it, why wasn’t I more careful! I should have known better! I hate this!!!

Strangely, today I immediately saw advantages. I knew not to go to the gym or do any exercise, but to stay quietly at home. I worked with clients only. I checked emails, I had time to return some inquiries from the weekend about upcoming workshops.

But I’ve had the thought creep in before…OMG, what if this pain stayed this way? What if I didn’t get better? What if I had to endure ongoing pain? There was someone in the Pain, Sickness and Death class who has constant back pain! Oh no! I could have the same!

I have the thought in the back of my mind…this may be fine for now, but by TOMORROW, I may hope it’s fixed.

So here I am with this body, feeling this sensation I call pain today, holding quite still, and I can remember feeling sorry for myself, and what it feels like to have something happen…perhaps something quite “big” like a major huge accident that results in permanent change…

…and I discover once again the connection between what I believe about this body and what I believe about the universe.

If I think and believe that I can be injured…and right after this thought, I clench off internally and set forth to build a good defense and prevention measures.

I don’t feel free to live, move, be, venture out…I feel like I have to be careful.

Byron Katie says “Don’t be careful, you might hurt yourself”.

Seriously?

Yet most of us “get” the nauseating or hardness of being careful, careful, careful and not trying anything new or experimenting or feeling free.

If I think that being “hurt” is depressing, sad, discouraging, hopeless, frustrating or terrifying….then I’ll work hard to make sure I don’t get hurt. Because I don’t like those feelings.

I’m believing the feelings come from being hurt. It sure seems like that. Without getting hurt, none of those feelings. With getting hurt, the stressful feelings come.

But can we be sure the two are connected?

The mind can appear quite logical. It deduces that a) getting hurt is very bad, b) it is possible to avoid getting hurt, c) since getting hurt is very bad, I must learn how to avoid it, d) if I do not avoid it, I will suffer.

What if I could feel the sensation of what I am calling “pain” and at the very same time, drop the thought that there is something I need to do about it, or fix, or change, or learn in a hard way?

NOOOO! Then I would go on running into things, getting hurt around any corner, randomly suffer because of contact with objects (or people, for that matter)! I need to pay attention! I need to be vigilant! I need to be VERY VERY CAREFUL!

Which is more stressful though….thinking I need to fix this and be very careful, or thinking I’m fine and something beyond me is already on its way to balance and healing?

Because, when I think about what is true….I know that something far beyond me, something mysterious and wonderful is moving things into balance inside this pulled muscle right now, as I write.

And the Universe, the reality all around me, is moving into goodness and balance and healing.

Even in the middle of a woman (me) with a pulled back muscle, and with people who got into car accidents today, and people who are living with cancer, and people terribly injured…there is something next, and next, and next and there is movement into that “next”.

I can feel the difference between my mind now, that is open to the wild, crazy, unpredictable universe in a different way than it once was….open to whatever this thing is called pain, open to not-knowing, open to even this being “friendly”.

And if “friendly” is a little much for you right now, that’s OK. You can just see about the universe being “neutral” instead of mean and evil and dangerous.

Back injured. Good news. Hushed morning, not moving from couch. Talking with clients. Sun streaming in the window. Silence. Reading. Excited as the body slows, deciding its definitely time to call that massage person, looking up yoga classes. Change.

Good news. Universe as my friendly co-conspirator could be saying “happy quiet moment” for some amazing reason.

I watch. This is not about denial and trying to be “positive”. This is noticing what IS positive, even when something difficult happens.

I once met a woman who had been in a car wreck, where her husband and one daughter were killed, and she and another daughter had lived. I felt the pain well inside as I heard her story, the whole thing, from the beginning.

Terrible pain. The kind I might say to myself “I could not ever handle that”. My heart wells up inside me even remembering her.

And gratitude. Because she started an organization to help people with sudden trauma and death know what to do next. She’s helped police teams and fire fighters learn how to guide people best when there is sudden death.

Another woman I know created a website dedicated to putting your will and all paperwork and items together for if your loved ones die unexpectedly, after her husband was killed.

Who would you be without that thought that you have to be careful?

Alive, slowing down, moving on, resting, bursting out. Living now.

Noticing that everything comes and goes, things rise up to be attended to, then they fade away not needing any attention at all.

Tears flow, grief, then quiet, then pain, then rest, then love. Beauty everywhere.

This sensation of pain is here in this universe for this body today, and it’s OK. I am not alone, and I don’t “have” to do anything. I don’t have to know anything.

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.”~Tao Te Ching #71

If you know you’d like to open to not-knowing and to see how your thoughts and feelings about bodies relate to your thoughts and feelings about the universe, then come to Breitenbushat the end of June. Four days of the work can shift your perceptions in a most profound way.

Love, Grace

P.S. Pacific Northwesterners! Come join the new Powerful Living workshop May 3-4 in West Seattle with three powerful guides, offering three powerful modalities; The Work (yours truly), Nia movement, and Systemic Constellations. You’ll bring one important issue to shift, open to not-knowing what you’ve known so far about it, and energize it with power.

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Relax While Falling

Today I happen to be in Boston, Massachusetts. I know its in the news, and no…my particular path never intersected with the Boston marathon, or bombings, or the Red Sox game.

Instead, my contact here was with family. A beautiful funeral, connection with both life and death, being here in the sweetness of people coming together to create a ceremony and love.

Even at a funeral, new life is born. Connecting with relatives not seen in years, learning new things about them.

Last weekend in meditation retreat, I considered death once again, especially since my beloved uncle had just passed.

I love the visual picture of falling through life. As if we are born, and we begin to drop through the atmosphere.

We drop and drop and always, we are falling towards an end somewhere, an unknown point.

Most of us, at various stages, will flail and reach and scream with our arms and legs trying to grasp for something to stand on. Or we hold our breath waiting for impact.

But what if we could relax? What if we could sit back, like we’re lying on a beach, and put our arms up behind us and cradle our own head with our palms.

The “kick back” position. All while falling.

Maybe we’d even close our eyes and drink in the sun, the warmth, or the rain if it were raining.

Falling through life, but without the flailing about trying to grab or brace against the End.

I asked myself who I would be without the thought that I have to find solid ground? That I need to grab, or slow down the fall, or yell, or squeeze my eyes shut and wait?

Who or what would I be if I relaxed? If I just fell, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, from birth through life?

Nothing to be done. Nowhere to grab. Can’t fix it, stop it, or get out of it.

I remember the James Taylor song “might as well enjoy the ride”.

Today I take a deep breath and hear the silence, and the tapping of my fingers on this computer, and the sunlight dancing through the window.

Yesterday, many people…..today, only me and objects everywhere that are not people.

Both a big wonderful pot of amazing soup of THIS.

Falling (being alive) may be easier in some moments than in others, but when I remember that it is inevitable and beyond my control and natural, then there is nothing to do.

Nothing-to-do has a profound freedom in it.

“But there is the consolation of no exit, the consolation that this is what you’re stuck with. Rather than the consolation of healing the wound, of finding the right kind of medical attention or the right kind of religion, there is a certain wisdom of no exit: this is our human predicament and the only consolation is embracing it. It is our situation, and the only consolation is the full embrace of that reality.”~ Leonard Cohen

Today I relax and leave everything the way it is. See if you can, too.

Just leave it alone for a minute. And you probably will, if you go to sleep or notice how you get up to get a drink of water, or go out for a walk, or talk with someone.

Your mind may grab it back or try to understand it or ruminate on it. That’s OK too.

Let yourself fall into space, into life, into death.

“Be like the Tao. It can’t be approached or withdrawn from, benefited or harmed, honored or brought into disgrace. It gives itself up continually. That is why it endures.” ~ Tao Teo Ching #56

Love, Grace