Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Question your thoughts about killing and death. You may be surprised at who you could be without them.
In our Year of Inquiry group yesterday, we got to look at a terribly painful belief that’s sort of strange to question.
Because it seems like a fact.
He killed the elephant.
I find it profound to contemplate.
How do you react when you believe it happened?
When you think the thought “that person killed something or someone else”…..
…..what goes through your heart and body?
What other thoughts do you have?
In our inquiry group, we noticed how the mind races for some possible answer that would make it manageable, rather than full of pain.
It tries to fill in the story, understand desperately. Maybe there was a reason….
Inside, in your body, the despair and hopelessness….or rage….is firing big energy outward at those who kill.
More thoughts about the wrongness of humanity, or the strangeness and sickness, or the bizarre world, and life and death, and creatures and people.
The pain erupts and it’s immense.
But who would you be without the thought “he killed the elephant”?
I sat internally with this as the beautiful inquirers also wondered what this would be like, who they would be without this troubling thought?
I thought about how I’ve had the belief “cancer killed my father” and had the very same reaction of confusion, terror, despair, and wanting to shout “WHY?!” at the sky.
Who would I be without that belief?
I’m not denying death has happened. I’m not saying this thing called “killing” isn’t accurate.
But without the belief, my mind expands somehow.
I see an image, a picture of a man and a massive remarkable animal. I’m aware the man will one day also die. I’m aware the animal was here temporarily so death would happen no matter what. I’m aware I will die and move to whatever happens without form.
Someone said in our group, that without her thought “he killed the elephant” she looked. She held that picture, without filling the room and her body and the world with condemning thoughts.
I had the feeling of wanting to understand more closely what happens with the one who is doing the killing. What’s going on there? Why would that be the way that person doing this act called killing would move?
This is what scientists and physicians and researchers are asking cancer.
What are you? Why are you here? What makes you tick?
Without the terror, these questions can be explored.
Turning the thought around to the opposite: He did not kill the elephant. The elephant killed him. I killed him. I killed the elephant. I killed myself.
I know these are very odd to write, but that’s the point of inquiry.
You don’t have to find anything interesting there. You can keep your thought of the horror of killing.
My heart still breaks with learning of killing, but without being eternally against it, my heart expands in this breaking.
I see the life and death of all things, and of humans doing the best they can with what they know.
I can find examples of these turnarounds.
The elephant lives, more than ever. It’s all over the internet. It was brought to my attention through this inquiry group. It lives in my mind and thoughts. People are caring about what happens. People are moved and passionate about life and death of animals, and people, and themselves.
In my thinking about cancer, or anything that kills, I kill my love, my joy, my spontaneity. I kill my own happiness. I kill the time I have left here, which is quite temporary.
“‘I should’, ‘I shouldn’t’, ‘you should’, ‘you shouldn’t’, ‘I want’, ‘I need’–these unquestioned thoughts distort the appearance of the good that is as common as grass. When you believe them, you make your mind small, and small-mindedness doesn’t allow you to see why the loss of legs is good, why blindness is good, sickness, hunger, death, a village wiped out, the whole apparent world of suffering. You stay unaware of the good that is all around you, you block out the elation you’d feel when you finally recognized it. Whatever you think, reality is the natural way of it. It won’t blend to your ideas of what it should be, and it won’t wait for your consent. It will remain just as it is, pure goodness, whether or not you understand.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Many of us are overwhelmed with what is lacking in our lives, not just with some kind of peace around food and eating.
It feels like we have needs and desires that are impossible to meet, or everlasting.
But what if you could approach all your emotional needs and desires in your life in a balanced way, just like peaceful eating?
Eating in a way that works feels like trusting the hunger, trusting the movement to the food, feeling yourself happily with pleasure, stopping when you’ve had enough.
It’s slow, calm, satisfying, patient.
Good news: when you deeply commit to a calm way of eating, your other needs and desires….those emotional ones…..
….will also fall into place.
You won’t need to grab, sneak, demand, consume ravenously. You’ll know when you’ve had enough. You won’t need to starve yourself.
You can allow yourself to need, without fear of the consequences.
Slow down and feel it, waiting to see what’s right, what each bite is like. Sense it.
Your body tells you when to stop and when to go–you don’t even have to think about it.
Emotional needs and desires fall into place, and will be satisfied, when you find peace and balance in your eating
Peace,
Grace
P.S. Eating Peace Online starts November 17. We meet Tuesdays and Wednesdays live (9-10:30 am Pacific time) but all recordings are included and you can watch webinars, and listen. Get your needs met with food and body, get emotional needs and desires met, too.
Co-facilitated group with Grace Bell and Anil Coumar begins this evening in Seattle (Ravenna) exploring the experience of cancer using The Work of Byron Katie.
This group is for anyone who has suffered with a stressful thought about having cancer in the past, or present. If you are in remission, or if you are in treatment now, you are welcome to join this group.
Hit reply if you’re interested, or share this with someone you know.
Beginners to experienced in The Work all are welcome.
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Caring about other people is a really good thing.
Right?
But what about when it’s stressful?
Because it can be very stressful. Very, very stressful.
And when something is stressful, it’s worthy of inquiry.
I’ll give you an example of caring about someone being very stressful.
Let’s say you’re a parent, and you find out your kid is at the emergency room during a school skiing trip.
(Not that I would know anything about this in 2006 when my son broke his arm and I was 10 hours away).
It’s doesn’t matter how old the kid is (they can be truly any age) you want to drop everything and race to the hospital.
Maybe your heart is beating, you’re freaked out if you run into heavy traffic, you feel enormous anxiety and pictures run through your head about what just happened.
Or what about if your spouse or partner is upset about their job?
They call you and say “I just got fired.”
You ask if they’re OK, you’re shocked, you’re wondering what will happen now, and you feel like leaving your own job so you can go hang out with them.
Things happen with people all the time. It’s the way of life.
When you know and love these people, you might feel a surge of suffering, sadness, anxiety or terror….
….even though it’s not you who is actually suffering.
Except, how quickly it happens that you are.
What are your thoughts?
Often, the mind jumps to images and projections of what this situation means.
It doesn’t even have to be a sudden occurrence, like the accident or job change I just described.
It can be watching someone you love slowly become more and more depressed, or addicted, or angry.
I’ll lose them
there is something wrong with them (or me)
if they are hurting, I must hurt too
I have to be strong, positive, get them to feel better
they can’t die/lose/fail
These thoughts all have a deep assumption underneath, that we often overlook.
This is terrible.
I can’t handle it, they can’t handle it, this is unmanageable, life will never be the same again, success looks like “x” (and this is not it)….
….this is horrible, wrong, evil, bad, troubling.
I am against this!!!!
But who would you be without the belief that this other person you love, admire, care about can’t hurt or suffer or die, without YOU also suffering, hurting or dying?
I once had a very dear friend who tried to kill himself.
Every time I thought of him, I felt a stab of pain in my stomach.
I would think “I can’t handle it, if he dies.”
Really?
Is that actually true?
After encountering Byron Katie and The Work and entering the world of inquiry and questioning my arguments with what appeared to be real….
….I did an exercise that Katie talks about in her powerful bookLoving What Is.
What’s the worst that could happen, in your life?
In this case, the worst I could ever imagine happening was my children dying in a car crash.
Just having it wisp through my mind as an idea made me scared.
But I wanted to know the truth.
I wanted to find out what it might be like to wonder about death, and children, or my friends, or a lover, or a sister or parent.
I wanted to inquire into this belief about living and dying and simply investigate as best I could.
Who would I be without the belief that if the terrible thing happens, I couldn’t go on?
Who would I be without the belief that I couldn’t handle it, they couldn’t handle it, that it wasn’t handle-able?
I had to admit, because it was right in front of my face in life, that people I loved sometimes got hurt physically, or emotionally.
I had to admit, also right in front of me, that adult parents sometimes lost their children.
Children die, friends die, parents die, partners die.
Who am I without the belief that this should not be so, when I’m looking at life and the world and the obvious thing is that people come and go, in these forms called bodies, at all times and at all ages?
When I wondered about this honestly, I found I wasn’t even sure who I would be without the thought.
But this was different than being with the thought that I was against other people leaving, or dying, or suffering.
It didn’t mean I had to like it, or be thrilled about it.
But it was so much easier to breathe, to have that possibility that someone else getting hurt physically or emotionally had a path, a direction, a way about it that I did not have to control or run (I couldn’t anyway).
What a relief.
Turning the thoughts around:
I’ll never lose them, I’ll gain them (if they die, or leave)
there is something right with them (or me)
if they are hurting, I do not have to also hurt
I do not have to be any emotion but what is real for me, I do not have to get them to feel better
they are free to die/lose/fail
I know it’s a little much to think “this is wonderful” about kids dying in a car crash.
Like I said, this is not about being completely in denial or something.
In fact, this is about becoming sane, and coming out of denial, for me.
To even be able to find benefits for the shifting and changing of life, in bodies….
….this is truly amazing to find.
After I inquired about that worst case scenario, I felt uncertain and slightly confused.
I also had a glimmer of awareness about no longer caring, or worrying, in the suffering way I always had.
“A death accomplishes what ordinary life could never do, letting you experience what is beyond identification: the bodiless self, mind infinitely free…….Sweetheart, we ALL have that place. We can all find it, if we look deeply enough, no matter how much pain we’re in. It doesn’t matter–that place is always there…..Until we know that death is as good as life, and that it always comes at just the right time, we’re going to take on the role of God without the awareness of it, and it’s always going to hurt.” ~ Byron Katie
Without any belief that people shouldn’t suffer, when they do….
Stabbed in the heart by that person? Staying with the broken, hurt place brings you to your humanity.
One night a week, Mondays, became family dinner night several years ago.
Everyone knows I don’t really like to cook.
I have no trouble with cooking, and I love to eat absolutely anything anyone creates (I have zero pickiness) and I love doing the dishes.
I really do not enjoy trying to figure out what to eat, choose the item, find the recipe, and actually cook or make it.
I’d make a smoothie and feel perfectly happy.
At some point I stopped trying to like to cook.
When my kids were little, I always made dinner every night. I had the same 5 things I created over and over–they were really good.
Creativity was not my interest in this department.
Then divorce happened.
Something kind of gave up trying to do whatever you’re supposed to do around meals.
I dropped the “I should(s)…..”
So after a time of the change in the family configuration, and everything starting all over again without the images in place any more of what it was supposed to look like….
….I thought, hey….my kids can do a meal once a week.
They can pick the recipe, or choose whatever we’re eating, and I’ll buy the food or ingredients.
Mondays.
Family dinner night, even if we do eat together other nights, this one is a For Sure night.
Skip to a decade later.
Only daughter here at home, age 18. Son at college.
(Son loves to cook, by the way, and owns two cookbooks along with kitchen items he bought with his own money).
During the past year, Monday night dinner night has been cancelled and thrown to the wayside many times.
I had reinstated it a few days ago.
My husband and I decided on the food.
I was working with clients until 6:30 pm, but after that…..family dinner night was going to happen!
When I emerged from my last client appointment, she was lying on the couch.
“Let’s get dinner on the table!” I declared.
“What???!!!! I HATE eating after 7 pm!! Why did you wait so long?! The only reason I’m even in this room is because of your Dinner Night or I would be going to BED! Now! I am soooooo exhausted! I can’t stand your food idea either! And why didn’t you start at least cooking already!?!”
Lightening bolt courses through me.
I say with anger….
….”Why didn’t you request a different night, then? It’s not like this is written in stone, especially if it causes so much suffering. Go to bed! Family Dinner Night is off!!”
Daughter storms out.
Sigh.
The feeling of being insulted or disrespected arose so fast in me, like a fire.
Under the surface, I am hurt.
She doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t want to spend time with me (us), she’s mean.
Who would I be without these thoughts?
I’ve been here before, in this inquiry.
I see it and feel immediately what it would be like without the belief she doesn’t like me.
If her words did not mean anything personal, I would realize right now I never really asked her if she would be up for the idea.
I didn’t let her know I’d like to spend time with her.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I liked the idea of cooking (of course I didn’t) or making a production out of it on a Monday night.
I didn’t even ask her if she felt ill, since 7 pm was very early to want to go to bed.
Who would you be without the belief someone doesn’t like you?
Even if they say “I don’t like you” who would you be without the belief that it is really, absolutely true?
I’d see them having their reaction.
I’d be with them as they have it.
I’d connect with the reality of the situation, which is that something I’ve done or said is not computing well with this person.
They’re saying “no”.
That’s it.
I turn the thought around: she does care about me, love me, want to spend time with me. I am mean, disrespectful, insulting….to her, to myself.
Could any of these be just as true, or truer?
This was another moment in time, an exchange, a place I felt the vulnerability of disappointment, loss, concern….
….a childlike core place of “ouch”.
After doing The Work for awhile in my room, I felt like I was hugging the little raw, exposed part of me.
Moments later I heard daughter came back into the living room, so I stepped out of my room, and I hugged her and stroked her back as big crocodile tears rolled down her cheeks. She told me she was thinking about how much she had to get done.
“To stay with that shakiness–to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge–that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic–this is the spiritual path.” ~ Pema Chodron
In my graduate school program 20 years ago, we had a saying. “It’s not what I do…..it’s what I do next.”
We had t-shirts made with these words on it. Our special reminder, our discovery in imperfection, in feelings, in staying with something, in repair.
My kids teach me this over, and over again.
And everyone who has ever acted like they didn’t like me, or said so.
Thank you.
“Go ahead, climb up onto the velvet top of the highest stakes table. Place yourself as a bet. Look God in the eyes and finally for once in your life, lose.” ~ Adyashanti
Fear of going down….no good at sea (in life) especially when it comes to money
I have to make more money.
Recently I sat in a small inquiry circle and someone brought up this thought.
We decided to take a look and investigate.
As I heard, contemplated, and felt the belief “I have to make more money” I reflected on when I have had this thought in my life to the point of desperation, or terror, or fury, or sadness.
I remembered sitting on my couch in my little cottage about 7 years ago holding my mortgage bill, due in one week.
I had $10.16 in my bank account.
The numbers on the bill said around $2000 was due.
Now.
If not paid within 7 days, it would be late, and a late charge would be added (I had never had this added before in my life).
I googled “foreclosure”.
I found out you have 3 months of not paying before they come in with the sirens, or whatever happens when you “foreclose”.
What you think is your house becomes the bank’s house.
I had been applying for jobs for many months. I had gone to many interviews.
I was waiting to hear from one job in particular. But even if I heard the news “you’re hired!” I wouldn’t have $2000 in 7 days.
It seemed hopeless.
There was absolutely no way to get the money for the mortgage. I would be starting the beginning of the 3-late-payments-to-foreclosure process in a week.
This seemed the most likely scenario, if we’re really being honest here.
I had already borrowed from family, I had taken out loans, I had maxed out a credit card, I had sold most things I owned of worth, I had even tried to sell this house (despite being terribly sad to not have a home)….and not had any offers that would cover my mortgage loan with the sale.
My conversation with the universe went something like…..
….”What else do you want me to DO? I have to keep this house! I have to earn more money!”
The thing is…..
…..I had inquiry in my life.
I knew enough to be aware that I was killing myself internally with the stressful thought that things must go the way I wanted.
Let my will be done.
Notice the key word…..”my”.
Not the will of Reality (if it has a will), not the will of God.
Mine.
Here are some other stressful thoughts I’ve had about money during my lifetime.
You might relate.
storing money brings safety and security for the future
if I’m not making money, I’m doing something wrong
I should care about service I give, not money I receive
wealth is having lots of money
poverty is lacking money
being without money is dangerous
the money I have or receive is mine
the money I give or pay is theirs
money is _______ (see what happens when you describe money)
The stories about money and what it’s doing are so deep, and can be excruciatingly painful, and also, very hidden.
But let’s take a look at that one repetitive thought, the one I remembered having that time sitting on the couch, with a vengeance.
I could still find it existing inside me, just not so intense as before.
I have to make more money.
Is that true?
Yes. Duh. Who doesn’t want more money?
But can I absolutely know it’s true that I have to make more money?
Hmmmm. I may be screaming in my head that I LIKE more money, but not necessarily that I have to make more of it.
I don’t know this to be absolutely true.
But it sounds kinda dumb to even entertain the idea that I don’t have to make it at all.
I mean, what are my other options for obtaining money (note the assumption still alive and well that money must be gotten, or made, or saved, or kept)?
Besides making money…..there’s the lottery, an inheritance, a surprise gift, winning it, money growing on the tree in my back yard (little joke), a trust fund, stumbling upon a hidden buried treasure.
Making money means working for it, trading something valuable for it, offering something worthy for it, doing something important for it, creating something appreciated for it.
It seems practically absolutely true, or waaaaay more likely, that I would make money rather than get it another one of these ways.
Funny how even though we know this, something seems more appealing (you can question this) about the other ways besides earning that people get money.
How do you react when you believe you have to make money, or more of it if you’re already making it?
Super stressful, you may have noticed.
There’s scheming to think of ways to increase your work load, your salary, your time management. Plans to achieve, save, earn, earn, earn, invest, analyze future projections.
You may give up other things you love, like exercising, playing, doing things for no good reason, being artistic, hanging out with friends, dating.
With the thought that you have to earn….you may work your butt off now and think about how later you’ll be resting in retirement.
Some day, you’ll relax.
You may resent something about all this.
No matter how much you have.
All you notice is, the thought brings stress, not peace.
Now…..
…..who would you be without the belief that you have to make more money?
Some people feel frightened of entertaining this idea.
If I gave up the thought I have to earn more money, I would lay on the floor all day eating, dozing off, drooling.
I’d lose everything! I’d live on the street! I wouldn’t be safe! I wouldn’t have health insurance!
Must worry! Must keep nose to grindstone! Must EARN!
But if you really allowed yourself to explore what it would be like to not “have to” earn more money?
You still get to love what you love, without the thought.
It doesn’t mean you have to love being homeless (unless you are, or do).
For me, without the belief I have to earn money…..
…..I simply notice a wild, passionate, excited, sweet, powerful energy of LOVING making contact with money, and humanity, and life.
Call it work, OK.
Every job I’ve ever had has brought me face-to-face with people I needed to find resolve with.
Every job I’ve ever had has pressed me to wake up, invited me to expand beyond the smaller picture I have of myself as someone who can’t handle it.
Every job I’ve ever had invited me to end my stand as a victim, as someone working alone–the sole provider of my own support.
In that moment where I looked at the impossible mortgage bill due, and my midget sized bank account, and could sit without the thought that I needed to make more money….
….I found acceptance, and then, gratitude.
I do not need to make more money. I need to make less money. I need to make more of myself. Money needs to make more of me.
In that situation, the need for money WAS making more of me.
It was inviting me, passionately pleading for me to make more of myself. To trust, honor, love and feel the leadership energy inside myself.
I saw in that moment how it would be an amazing experience to lose my house and move in with my mother, and relax, and accept what was happening.
It was a bit crazy, right after complete and total acceptance of my financial situation, when I was given a gift of my entire mortgage, plus living expenses, from an unexpected and surprise donation from friends and family from literally all over the world for my birthday, which happened to be that week.
(Wait, I don’t get to go through this grand experiment of learning to love moving in with my mom again?)
What thoughts can YOU turn around about money, and all the associated stressful beliefs you think are locked in place forever?
storing money does NOT bring ANY safety and security for the future (there is no guaranteed future, not even tomorrow)
if I’m not making money, I’m thinking something wrong
I should care about money and service equally
wealth is feeling love, trust, comfort and peace when it comes to anything (including money)
poverty is feeling suspicion, distrust, emptiness and stress when it comes to anything (including money)
being without money is exciting, being with money is dangerous (sometimes just as true), being with my thinking is dangerous
money is not mine or theirs or owned by anyone (it’s flowing in and out like a beautiful tide, and I have my part in it, like breathing air)
money is _______ (see what happens when you take all the troubling ways you describe money and turning them to the opposite! My thinking has those difficult qualities!)
“Mankind owns four things that are no good at sea; rudder, anchor, oars, and the fear of going down.” ~ Antonio Machado
Fear of going down….
….this is all I could think about before, holding that mortgage statement in my hand that day before inquiry.
After inquiry, oh good….this is going down.
After inquiry, oh good….a loss becomes something brilliant, unexpected, unplanned, genius.
After inquiry, oh good….feeling the astonishment of money doing whatever it does, and knowing it’s not personal, or required.
“You didn’t make the rain or the sun or the moon. You have no control over your lungs or your heart or your vision or your breath. One minute you’re fine and healthy, the next minute you’re not. When you try to be safe, you live your life being very, very careful, and you may wind up having no life at all.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
I have been planning on driving the 90 minutes north on the freeway for several months to see and hear this man speak!!
It’s already planned! We’re leaving at 3 in the afternoon! I have the whole afternoon/evening blocked off! I’m getting my car oil changed just to drive the 80 miles north!
There’s a picture in my head.
I get in the car with my daughter. We have a smooth drive north, greeting my son at his apartment, going to get some yummy dinner somewhere, and then going to the university campus to hear the inspiring and curious man talk.
I just finished his book on the airplane a month ago, reading, reading, reading…..(Die Wise by Stephen Jenkinson).
The whole flight from London to Vancouver I was loving that book.
Pausing to put the book down, eyes tearing up, considering the awesome topic: Death.
I didn’t know he would sell out an entire auditorium!
Where was this announced? Why wasn’t I informed?
Who’s organizing things around here?
(They did it wrong since I am not on the list for entry–chuckle).
Here comes the little voice within. A high-pitched protest, and honestly I can’t even hardly muster more than a split second of arguing with what is, but it is there.
Yes, it is there.
This news.
It all happens in literally about 3 seconds.
Reading the words SOLD OUT.
A flare goes up.
The next thoughts of solving the “problem”.
Who is selling the tickets? Is there a box office? What if I try to buy a ticket from someone who can’t use theirs, on my way in…..like for rock concerts or the Seahawks?
But I have two young adult children I want to go WITH me and THEY want to go, too. Three tickets is harder than one. But I could go alone if its that frickin’ important.
Think, think, think. (Blah, blah, blah).
Outcomes of future image possibilities flashing behind my eyes.
I research a moment, send one email.
She replies back…..yep…..SOLD OUT. Sorry ‘bout that.
But here’s the wonderful thing about inquiry.
No trying to make anything happen, or trying to make the outcome different….
….the thought simply arises like a balloon over the whole flurry of “this is not good”….
….maybe I’m meant to stay home Thursday next week.
Or, maybe I still drive to visit my son, with my daughter, and we have dinner and wander on over to the venue just to see, no expectations. And we get home at a reasonable hour if there’s no chance to hear the lecture.
Who knows?
I relax.
Let’s see where this goes.
Maybe I’ve been spared, for all I know.
Who would you be without the belief that what you want is the best for you, next Thursday?
I mean, seriously?
I notice this same author is coming back to my area in the northwest US next spring. I notice I am not teaching a retreat or workshop that day.
I notice the event is the same topic, but six hours instead of two.
Maybe I’ll go.
But it’s not required, I also notice.
Why do I think being in this author’s presence sounds so thrilling?
(You can do this work if you have a crush on someone, or want to go to a workshop with someone you admire, or feel left out at work, or want to be praised by your boss….anything).
Why do I want to go?
Well. I love contemplating existence, and non-existence, and caring for others who are in pain or dying. I love contemplating my own departure from this form.
I love opening to life, and death, and temporary, and permanent.
I think he knows a lot about these things. He’s hung out with a lot of people who are “dying”. I got to do that, too, for five years.
So my energy gravitated naturally towards spending time in a contemplation with someone else, and a whole room full of people, all of whom want to lean all the way in to this inquiry about life and death, and wise-ness.
It sounds wonderful.
So why do you want to hang out with the person you’ve got an eye on?
Turn the thought around: I need to buy a ticket to an event with myself next Thursday. I do not neeeeeeeeeed to buy a ticket to see the author next Thursday. I need to buy a ticket to whatever Thursday is, wherever I am, and whoever I’m actually with.
These are just as true, or truer.
I need to contemplate death, and life, and laughter, and tears.
I do not need to go, unless I do (and so far, it’s not at all necessary, obviously).
Do you notice, when you turn something around like this, that your mind might say “but, it’s not as fun or good or enlightening or sexy or pleasurable when it’s me, myself and I”?
Are you sure?
“Skip the middle man!” ~ Byron Katie
Next Thursday, since the afternoon is already blocked off on my calendar (for like, two months, may I remind you)….
….since my calendar is blocked off….how could I enter an evening of open contemplation and curiosity about death, hospice, declining body, exiting, and my own deepest knowing that I will die wise?
Hmmmm, this could be really good, no matter what.
“The master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
It’s not breaking news that feelings of anger and fear fuel compulsive or obsessive behavior with food (or other substances).
But maybe you haven’t realized what you actually believe about feeling angry, or feeling afraid.
If you want to destroy, crush, consume, hide, repress or make anger and fear invisible….
….and never feel them again….
….then you’ll keep eating (or starving yourself).
Here’s what happened with me that changed everything:
Eating Peace: Trying NOT to change your anger or fear will help you and heal you
Peace,
Grace
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I know it’s not April 15th which is the United States tax due date.
For the second time ever in my life, I allowed an accounting firm to do my taxes, and for the first time, I filed an extension six months ago.
I had been doing them myself for my whole life. Even in my previous marriage, I always did the taxes. I kind of liked getting Turbo Tax and entering the data, finishing the project.
But in the past, I never owed much.
I often either broke even, or had a small payment, or got some money back.
Last year, I received an audit letter that I owed the government $30,000.
Yes, of course it was a big fat mistake!! I didn’t!!
But I didn’t like seeing those huge numbers written on the same page as IRS.
With an anxious heart (and a trickle of self-inquiry initially) I searched in my emails for a newsletter. I’ve been on this woman’s email newsletter list for 7 years, since I heard her speak very eloquently at a meeting for small service businesses, before I even had one.
Her accounting firm quickly helped me re-do my 2013 taxes (the year in question).
Turns out I put one thing on the wrong line, and it doubled my income.
The taxes were amended, and resubmitted, and guess what IRS?
Yeah, that’s right!
I overpaid in 2013 once everything was completely overhauled by a professional.
Now, YOU owe ME some money, IRS!!
So of course, I decided to stick with this much better, clearer plan with the experts and have the accounting firm do my 2014 taxes, too.
I asked my husband to be the primary go-between so I wouldn’t have to focus on it.
It made me nervous to have other people doing my taxes, after all those years.
Receipts, credit card bills, bank account withdrawals, checks….
….such an exposure and story of what I spend, what I earn, what my values are, who I appear to be as a person, what I care about, where the money goes.
(What if they think I spend too much going to silent meditation retreats? Can’t a person take some workshops once in awhile, I mean come on!)
But then.
After everything is added up.
I owe.
Not just a small check. Like, a big one.
Wait…..what?
Are you sure you did it right, accounting people?
I ask my husband what he included, all the work he did to gather everything together….Are you sure you didn’t miss some deductions?
Yep.
Fume.
Husband says something like “Hey! It’s a good thing! It means you’re doing fabulous and successful and rocking it!”
Seriously? Fume.
Send electronic transfer. To the IRS.
Images of Those People spending all my money on weapons. And other dumb things.
I could USE this money.
Sigh.
Who would I be without the belief it is too much, I shouldn’t have to pay, they’ll use it badly, this is an outrage?
Who would I be without the belief that this is a threat??
(Now where’s that information a friend sent me last year about protestors who refuse to pay taxes, I suddenly much more interested).
Stop.
Who would I be?
Am I really going to go off on grabbing tightly to every dollar bill that comes near me?
Do I really need to raise complaints about money going and coming?
Can I actually just imagine for a little while what it’s like without the belief that money must always, always stay with me and never, ever go away?
Am I that needy and co-dependent and grabby and desperate and tense and lost?
Over numbers and green pieces of paper?
What would it feel like to Not Believe in the Greatness of Money?
I’d be noticing that moments after I sent my taxes to the IRS, I dialed in to Year of Inquiry group and we investigated some powerfully stressful thoughts.
They weren’t about money at all.
I notice nothing in the room has changed. Absolutely nothing. There is nothing less in my environment after the digits went from something I’m calling “mine” to something I’m calling “IRS”.
I turn the thought around: I did not get a tax bill. It’s awesome that a tax bill arrived, and I paid it. My thinking got taxed, and has essentially been taxed when it comes to beliefs about money for much of my life.
OK, well….examples: I earned the most money I’ve ever earned in my life in one year. Including all the jobs I’ve ever had. Wow. Maybe my husband was right, that’s cool now that I think about it.
My thinking has been so taxed when it comes to money: getting, keeping, holding, losing, suffering and feeling frightened. It’s practically burned itself to the ground with so much worry.
In fact, my thinking did burn itself right down to the ground, and the money followed, I began from complete scratch about ten years ago.
I investigated like a mothah-f&$#%h and I found that my joy is not dependent on money, and that I can lose almost everything and still be here.
Alive, free, breathing in the deep cool air.
I’ve learned that people are incredibly caring and supportive, and they helped me climb out of debt, and encouraged me to keep going and keep noticing what I have instead of what I lack when it comes to money.
Friends and relatives supported me and sent me aid, in love and in money.
And while I still feel a pull to stressful thinking, like fear that I shouldn’t even tell you I had a tax bill yesterday, or I shouldn’t talk about making money because that’s rude and I’ll appear better off than I am or something….
….inside I feel a gentle smile.
A place that lives without needing money, or love, or people, or attention, or security, or health, or my definition of a good life, or vigilance about safety, or anything outside of what is.
“Believing that what you want equals what’s best for you is a dead end. It makes the mind stiff, inflexible, caught in a picture of reality, rather than open to the wisdom of the way of it. What is, is immovable, and it’s constantly changing, it flows like water, it has as many supple, beautiful forms as the mind can create–an infinity of forms–and inside them all, behind them all, it just waits.The heart doesn’t move, it just waits. You don’t have to listen to it, but until you do, you’re going to hurt.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
The truth for me, the one that doesn’t move, sees that the amount of money I’ve had throughout my life has been genius.
Not too much. Not too little.
Mine. Theirs. Coming. Going.
The brilliant fortune of being with people from other places with hardly enough food to eat….to being with people with immense quantities of money….to being in the middle, nothing special.
The mind has many, supple beautiful forms and I feel the comfortableness of every way.
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Yesterday I told a little story on Peace Talk.
It was from a time I vividly remembered in 2004.
I was wanting something part-time to do for work. I had been working as an editor from home for awhile, with two little kids.
I was restless.
This wasn’t restless for employment, although we could use the money for sure….I wanted something I couldn’t put my finger on.
I had read Loving What Is the previous winter, and gone to see Byron Katie when she visited Seattle.
(What’s going on around here? What does this all mean? Who am I? Hello Universe, where to now? What is mind? What is peace? Am I missing something?)
A month later I was sitting in a wet, rainy, mostly empty parking lot late morning on a Tuesday.
The windshield wipers thumping back and forth.
This was the first real live interview for my new job working on a research project for people in hospice care.
I was visiting a woman on hospice, about my age, with breast cancer.
That’s about all I knew…..although that’s quite a bit.
I turned off my engine, and ran quickly for shelter under the covered pathway with a row of condominium entrances.
I sat with this woman for about an hour, holding my laptop computer and asking her many questions.
She teared up once or twice while speaking, holding a crushed tissue in her hand the entire time.
When I left, my heart was very heavy.
I felt so sad. Almost afraid, like I wasn’t enough, or this was all too much.
My mind raced with thoughts.
Including….maybe I’ll go tell them this isn’t the job for me.
Even though they just trained me for several weeks, I love the team I’m working with, and something feels exactly right about what I’m doing.
Funny how that can happen in about 90 seconds.
I’m outta here.
But even though I experienced a swell of grief about what people endure in human life, it was almost too big to “do” anything about.
Nothing truly horrible had happened.
I was simply feeling.
Have you ever had the idea you gotta ditch something or someone?
I’ll quit. I’ll say I’m sick. I’ll cross the road if she’s coming down the street. I’ll move to the other side of the meeting hall from those people. I’ll dance on the opposite edge of the dance floor from him. I won’t pick up her call.
Sometimes, if you feel a great dilemma or angst about it, like you’re not REALLY sure (as in, you know it’s not right to ditch) you may feel like doing something else.
Like eating.
Or drinking.
Or smoking.
I highly recommend sinking in to the dilemma, the agony, the torn feeling, and questioning your troubling thoughts.
Well, OK. I’m recommending this, once again, to myself.
Death is frightening.
Is it true?
I don’t really know. At all.
But the leading up to death, like my friend who just died of breast cancer, didn’t look very good.
It hurt her so much just to cry. She was in awful pain. It just seemed so, so, so…..sad.
Why?
She is gone, is that true?
I am frightened, is that true?
It’s sad to have limited time here, is that true?
I’m not sure. Not sure. Sooooo not sure.
I cannot know any of these are true. I cannot know they are NOT true. I don’t even get what’s true.
How do I react when I believe death is frightening?
I feel loss. I miss my dad.
I want to cling to people who are alive who are close to me.
I feel needy, uncertain, confused. I have images of the length of time I myself have left available to me.
Is it 6 years….the same age as my friend who just died, or my father?
Is it 25 years, like my own mother who acts and looks like she’s got another 25 still?
Is it 8? 15? 40?
Funny how we don’t know, although some ways of going would be far, far less surprising than others.
And this is all based on stories. Past experiences. People very close to me. DNA stories.
Who would I be without the belief that death is frightening?
What an astonishing inquiry.
Who would I actually BE without this thought, as I sit in the presence of someone who has days to live? As I remember my father’s last breath so many years ago? As I think about the death of those I love so much….my family, my partner, my children, my mother, me?
“When you go deep enough to the formless, the dreadful is no longer dreadful, it’s sacred. Then you will experience the two levels, when somebody dies who is close to you. Yes it’s dreadful on the level of form. It’s sacred on the deeper level. Death can enable you to find that dimension in yourself. You’re helping countless other humans if you find that dimension in yourself – the sacred dimension of life. Death can help you find the sacred dimension of life – where life is indestructible.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Without the belief in death being frightening, or wrong, or awful….
….I must admit that something comes back to presence right here, right now, the buzzing life force within, a place deep inside, a sinking feeling place without sounds.
It’s very quiet.
It’s here even as a jet flies overhead and makes noise in the dark night outside, as the refrigerator hums, as the clock says “late” and my body wants to sleep.
What is sleep?
Isn’t it funny how we enter this oblivion, a shutting down out of consciousness, every single night?
I am not afraid of sleep…..could this be how it would be to not be afraid of death?
Why not.
I turn the thought around: Death is NOT frightening, it’s exciting. Life is frightening. My thinking is frightening.
These could be just as true, or truer.
Especially the “thinking” part.
“Since before time and space were, the Tao is. It is beyond IS and IS NOT. How do I know this is true? I look inside myself and see.” ~ Tao Te Ching #21
“Death has a terrible reputation.” ~ Byron Katie
When you leave retreat, are you still on retreat? The light’s blown out, but you are still home.
Much Love,
Grace
P.S. Cancer Support Group Seattle begins October 21 Weds 6-7:30 pm for 8 weeks. Any stage of cancer or remission welcome.
Have you ever been annoyed, or frightened, by an interruption?
You’re in the middle of watching a movie and CLUNK BANG ROLL….you hear a noise outside on your front porch.
What’s that?
(Everything in your body goes on alert, you need to investigate).
Or what about driving in traffic, and here comes an ambulance with lights flashing and you have to pull over….and you’re running late already.
Or you’re having a conversation, and your friend talks right over your words saying how OMG I had that happen too (!)….but you didn’t finish your story yet.
Or, you’re on the phone and your kids come racing into the room….mom! mom! mom!
Or maybe you’re running a retreat, someone is doing The Work on something deeply personal….and another participant shows up very late and enters the room right in the middle of the process.
(Not that I would know about that as in this past weekend).
But let’s investigate.
This thing (called interruption–maybe a zero, maybe a ten on the scale of seriousness) happened. A sound, a movement, a major change, a redirection of the focus.
Awareness in once place moves rather suddenly to another place, and it was not how you pictured it, not what you prefer.
What are your thoughts about that interruption?
I’m talking about the uncomfortable, stressful ones.
The meanings you give this moment. Your feelings that are not feelings of peace.
He is so rude, he always talks too much. Let me finish! Why do they always get the right-of-way? It’s too noisy. Something horrible is happening. I am afraid. This is soooo irritating.
Or one of my personal favorites…..REALLY?
What a powerful moment.
What a common moment.
Life is not following my orders for what I KNOW is peaceful.
This shouldn’t be happening. It would be much better (I am sure of it) if this “interruption” wasn’t occurring.
Is that true?
Damn straight it’s true.
But pause a moment.
Consider this incredible question and your true answer.
You might still say “yes, absolutely true.”
But I find when I wonder if this is absolutely permanently 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt TRUE….that this shouldn’t be happening….I really don’t know.
How the hell would I know?
Seriously.
And it’s OK if everything in your entire system screams that YES, this shouldn’t be happening and it would be so much better if it wasn’t happening.
I love how there’s not a correct way to answer this question. You get to answer, for yourself only.
I see how I react.
A flurry of energy rises from my gut up into my chest. My eyes are tight and I squint. Everything about my whole body and persona becomes braced, depending on the level of fear or fury about the interruption.
This experience is interrupting my life.
MY LIFE.
It’s a terrible world. I am not protected. It’s hopeless.
SEE….it happened again. Interruption. The worst kind.
Here’s a profound question to ask. The fourth question offered by The Work of Byron Katie.
A big, wide, strange, expansive question.
Maybe you never considered it before. Or not in this particular situation. Not this one, no.
Who would you be without the thought that you are being interrupted and it’s horrible, nasty, mean, intrusive, wrong, violating?
This is not to say that you’re supposed to like what happened, or feel smooth and breezy when things like this happen.
The mind will say “BUT…what are you saying????!!!! That this was OK???!!! It was NOT GOOD, NOT OK!! I know it!! It sucked!!”
The mind loves to jump to what this means for all time: That you’d be condoning this interruption, excusing this interruption, even enjoying this interruption.
The mind says to be very careful because that interruption in your life really was awful, so don’t forget how awful.
Think about it all the time. Build your life protecting yourself. Make sure it never, ever happens again.
And by the way, you are the innocent victim and the universe dished you up a shit sandwich. Bad universe. Bad life. Bad circumstances.
Bad.
This question is for you, so you can find out what it would be like to not have that thought and belief screaming at you all the time.
So that you can use your imagination to consider what it might be like to not play the horror movie over again in your head of what happened.
Who would you be without the belief, right now, wherever you can find it, that this was an interruption such that you are not able to live a normal, happy life, or a productive, successful, peaceful day?
Some ideas that come to mind about NOT thinking it was an interruption (no matter how big or small)….
….might be about the dangers of not thinking that thought.
Like….without the belief I was interrupted, how will anyone ever know to quit speaking when I’m telling a story? I wouldn’t speak up, make requests, set boundaries.
No, I have to believe the thought I was interrupted, so I fight for my rights!
Yeah.
I would get very hurt again without my story that there are interruptions in the world and in my life, and they’re awful.
But let’s just say…..it doesn’t mean you’re going to get hurt if you drop the thought “interruptions are terrible”.
I notice in my own life that when I believe I need to be vigilant, cautious, and protective of myself….
….I live a smaller life.
I live very carefully. I DON’T actually speak up. I run away.
So that’s already happening anyway….WITH the thought that interruption is horrible, bad and wrong.
This is only using imagination to wonder what it would be like to not have this thought?
It’s not jumping to other conclusions about the enormous dangers of letting down your guard.
Because what I notice is….I have NO IDEA what is going to happen today.
Not really.
I can’t build a fortress big enough to prevent interruptions.
Very difficult things happen. Traumatic things. Weird, totally strange, unexpected things.
Who would I be without the belief they are un-healable, absolutely wrong, evil, un-handle-able?
Who would I be without the belief this should not ever, ever happen or I should have controlled it, if it did?
Who would I be without believing the thought “interruptions are awful and must be stopped.”
I would relax, in this moment now.
I would notice that this moment now, there is no interruption.
I would notice, the interruption ended.
It’s over.
In the dictionary, interruption is defined as a break in the continuity.
The continuity of….what exactly?
Not being surprised? An uneventful life? Things being the same way over and over again?
Even if the interruption was huge and difficult and life-changing….
….am I absolutely sure my life was ONE particular way prior to this interruption (and I’m certain it was the BEST way)?
I turn the thought around: she is NOT interrupting me! I am interrupting myself (especially when she interrupts)! I am interrupting her!
Could any of these be as true, or truer?
And in the end….is not interruption the usual way of it?
What was I expecting?….
….a steady pace of something that never startled me, irritated me, surprised me, shocked me, changed my life, taught me, derailed me, stopped me, destroyed me, silenced me, brought me to The Great Wide Open Mystery?
REALLY?
Much Love,
Grace
Eating Peace Online starts Tuesdays, November 17-Feb 9 (no class 12/8 & week #6 on Monday 12/28). Very in-depth online webinar program, with The Work of Byron Katie on Wednesdays 11/18-2/10 AND 2 individual sessions for everyone enrolled…to take your through your life and the holidays with eating.
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She’s interrupting me!