Grace, Author at Question with Grace

October 8, 2015

What If You Aren’t The One Who’s Doing It?

I am truly overwhelmed and honored by all the emails, facebook head chats, messages, texts and a few in-person thank-you’s letting me know the Eating Peace webinar was meaningful, helpful and genuinely inspiring last night.

I wound up recording it (slightly accidental).

Click here (to my cooooool intro page I learned how to create all by myself) enter your email and you’ll receive everything you need to watch the webinar in your Inbox. If you don’t want to remain on the Eating Peace mailing list after you get it, just unsubscribe at the bottom, no biggie.

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It’s exciting when something works out better than you ever imagined, right?

Yay, this is good….says the inner commentator.

The feeling within is alive, excited, thrilled.

Maybe you have the thought “I made it!” or “I did it!”

But I notice sometimes stressful ideas and feelings may follow on the heals of judging things as “good”.

It’s called “I have to keep this now.”

The mind follows a line of thinking that goes something like:

Cool. I got this. Hey, let’s raise the bar now. Get to the “next level”. Achieve, accomplish, keep the success going, push through it, now 10x this thing!

(Picture a British drill sergeant yelling “GO GO GO!! Look Alive!! Look Alive!!!”)

Even if you’re not that intense, how strange the movement of thinking so quickly orients to holding on to what you got, making sure you don’t lose. You’re managing yourself and your surroundings.

The other day I heard a good friend say “I don’t want to talk about getting the new job, cause I don’t want to jinx it.”

So cute, really.

We get so superstitious.

What I’m doing, saying, thinking could make something topple, or stay with me, or move against me, or support me.

Can’t get toooooo excited, or I might wind up disappointed later!

Dang.

It’s so much WORK.

But who would you be without the belief that you did it (whatever wonderful thing it was)?

This is really un-hitching yourself from the idea that someone is to blame….including for the good stuff.

I’m not taking away the accomplishment, or suggesting you’re not as competent, or that you didn’t work super hard to get somewhere, or that you weren’t the one practicing, learning, creating.

(Or am I?)

This is simply a little exploration in noticing that even getting what you think you want sometimes isn’t all its cracked up to be.

I’ve worked with so many clients in sessions or retreats who dream of lots of money, or being thin, or being healthy, or finding a mate, or having a rock star business, or becoming president (well, OK, not one person has ever told me they wanted to be president).

Nothing wrong with any of these….

….but who would we be WITHOUT the belief that I am the one who must push, make, try, grab, fight, or drive something into happening?

Do you notice the pressure that can happen with believing you are the one in charge?

And how the thought is very long-standing and has been around a long time that your life is up to YOU?!

Who would you be without this belief….in a good way?

I notice I feel very connected to the world.

All the people who have supported me, all the steps and lessons and teachers and hard times and easy times. My heart beating, my lungs going in and out, without me telling them how to do it.

I’d feel this moment right now, full of appreciation.

I’d thank my mind for thinking, thinking, thinking so very much and believing so many thoughts that it practically shorted out like an electrical current.

I just wouldn’t be against myself, without the belief that my-life-is-up-to-me-so-I-better-work-my-ass-off.

Very aware that there is not an individual solo me here running the show.

I turn the thought around: I did not do it.

It was done. It did me.

Somehow all forces of the universe converged, and I was there, and it happened.

I wasn’t in command, much as the mind would like to think I was. Not the one or the thing at the helm, not the one in charge, not the do-er of it all.

No way. Impossible.

Can you find the lightness in letting go of the drive to get there, get it, achieve it?

This doesn’t mean lie down on the floor and do nothing.

I notice I rarely want to do that (although I did today for awhile….right down on the floor, on the red floral carpet….it was a good position for some reason).

It just means my hands are open and relaxed, and nothing is required.

Ahhhhhhh. Awe-some.

“One day I noticed I wasn’t breathing–I was being breathed.” ~ Byron Katie

Let the show play on!

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Wow, we are starting at 9:30 am this morning in north Seattle (Kenmore) with three days of Eating Peace. There’s room for you, if something in your heart says YES. If you’re scared to try, just come. Hit reply and let me know, I’ll send you the address.

October 7, 2015

I Need More Sleep

Do you believe, absolutely, you need more sleep? Try questioning this thought, instead of believing it’s true.

I need more sleep.

Some people think this thought so many times, their despair is deep and their frustration very intense.

Have you ever awakened in the night?

Or had trouble going to sleep?

When I went to the School for The Work, followed by the immediate news that my then-husband wanted a divorce….

….I had the most wild mixture of new thoughts about the universe and reality I was completely riding at the top of an electric shock, it seemed.

It was oddly not completely stressful all the time.

The world looked new.

I had The Work to question my thoughts. I would write long worksheets, and talk with new friends on the phone to do The Work, and return again and again to noticing I was fine….

….and again and again to noticing I was terrified, or enraged, or abandoned.

I woke up every night at 3:30 am for 9 months.

No matter what time I went to sleep.

I was *positive* I needed more sleep, I needed to stay asleep, that nothing good was coming from it, that it was a requirement for my wellbeing and health.

I began to worry that it would never end.

I felt dizzy sometimes, like the world was water and I was on a boat, as if my balance was off and I might fall.

But I didn’t fall.

During that time, I was up one night during a weekend with Byron Katie all about relationships.

I was spending the night in a hotel room with a dear friend, and so as not to disturb her, I went into the glaring well-lit bathroom and sat on the closed toilet seat and wrote at the top of a piece of paper:

I must go to sleep.

Then, I began to do The Work and question this belief.

Today, I notice because of the creative work I’m adding to my day (a webinar on Eating Peace, a 3 day retreat this coming weekend, enrolled in 3 classes, and quite a big load of clients and telecalls) I stayed up until 12:30 am last night.

I’m sure I need more sleep, in this moment.

I can feel the urge to close the eyes, the energy of what lying down would feel like.

I can picture what it would be like to have more sleep, to feel vibrant, energetic, and calm all wrapped up together (not nervous, zippy, and too-speedy and drained).

A voice inside says (when I believe the thought I need more sleep) that I should stop complaining.

“You’ll be OK. Sleep later. Stop whining!”

(I notice this is not a super helpful voice).

So who would I be in this moment, right now, without the belief that I actually really do need more sleep?

What if I didn’t have a reference for more sleep, less sleep, perfect sleep, requirements for sleep?

What if the amount of sleep I’ve gotten is just right?

Weird.

It doesn’t seem true.

It seems like 8 hours of sleep would be fabulous, that resting deeply would be really, really good.

But if I just allowed that to go on the shelf for a minute, and relax without the belief I need more of sleep (or anything)?

I feel the body, I feel my chest and heart beating. I notice sensations in my eyes, my face without judgment that they’re bad sensations.

I see the time and notice I can slow down.

I’d let things be as they are in this moment.

Some days, sleep. Some days, no sleep.

It is never All-Not-Sleeping. It is never All-Sleep-All-The-Time.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need more sleep.

How could this be just as true?

Are there any advantages to this state of sleep/body/rest?

Yes: I love the dark night when no one else is up, when the air is very still and quiet (or early morning). I love that my thoughts get to rise up and appear very obviously, not hidden by activity during the day. I love that I can trust that if I’m awake, I should be for some important reason–and think with delight of sleeping later. I love that my body can do such brilliant energetic things without much sleep.

I love discovering the OTHER stressful beliefs appear about my life, in the absence of sleep…..

…..like “I am abandoned” or “this needs to be fabulous” or “I need more people to come to my retreat” like I have had recently.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking needs more sleep.

Wow. Now THAT thought is true….oh so true….oh so truer.

My thinking (my believing) needs to be resting, lying down, fading into oblivion, pausing, dreaming peacefully, unencumbered, relaxed, still, quiet, comatose, knocked out, dark, slumbering, silent.

I notice my thoughts appear, but I don’t have to think they’re true.

“You can’t change your thoughts. No one can. That’s not possible. I am suggesting that you just investigate your thoughts and meet them with some understanding. Sleep deprivation is not hurting you. It’s your THINKING that is so painful…..It amazes me how people think we have some control here. It’s very painful to think that.” ~ Byron Katie

Who are you without your story that you need more sleep, or more time, or more energy, or more love, attention, comfort….whatever it is you think you’re missing?

As I finish this Grace Note, I notice I have 90 minutes until the next scheduled thing on my calendar.

Oh! I’ll go lie down now and close my eyes, instead of filling up the minutes with “work” and activity and “getting something done”.

Funny how that happens.

Much Love,

Grace

Last chance, we start tomorrow: Seattle Eating Peace. To learn more click here or hit reply and ask.

October 6, 2015

Are You Too Quiet Sometimes? Speaking Up PLUS Eating Peace Webinar

Filled with regret — I should have spoken up

Today, I put together a free webinar. (Finishing touches still underway, it’ll be raw and unedited and live, tomorrow at 5 pm Pacific Time).

The webinar is: Five Brutal Beliefs to Question if you Want Eating Peace.

But really, anyone can consider these beliefs and take them to inquiry.

You don’t have to have ever had a single compulsive bite of food.

Most people have experienced a compulsive bite of thought, however.

What do I mean by compulsive thought?

The dictionary defines compulsion as riveting, fascinating, compelling, gripping, engrossing, enthralling, captivating, irresistible, uncontrollable, overwhelming, urgent, obsessive.

Have you ever noticed your thoughts have to have this kind of energy before you actually DO something compulsive?

It’s like this: I have a thought and I believe it’s real and true.

It happens in two milliseconds flat.

Even though it makes me feel anxious, sad, angry, or unhappy….

….I’m a believer.

It doesn’t cross my mind to question whether or not the idea was true, or to question my conclusions, or the stressful things I’m imagining.

Nope, I simply decided without question what that person said about me, or what happened, or what will happen, and what I’m feeling, are threatening.

What’s happening isn’t good.

Help! Help! Help!

(Cut to chicken running around with head cut off).

Most people when they get scared, and they don’t know how to, or remember to, inquire into their mind running the show….

….then begin to do everything possible to CALM DOWN.

Compulsion, addiction, temporary insanity, craving, urges, driven, wild, frenzied, wanting, needy, desperate, grabbing, crying, wailing, screaming, self-pity….

….oh boy.

The drama! The excitement!

And I know….the extreme suffering.

We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.

I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.

(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).

So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth?

I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.

(How will I know what’s true if I don’t have a mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)

But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.

To notice you ARE the freedom.

Today, as it happens sometimes, not only was an individual client questioning thoughts about speaking up, but the Year of Inquiry group was as well.

We looked at the concept: “she shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone”.

I could find a situation immediately where a co-worker spoke up to our boss during a meeting, saying something about me I felt very embarrassed about….”Grace comes in late all the time, and makes lots of mistakes.”

She shouldn’t have said that.

I remember the feeling I had. The red hot face, the shame, the absolute rage at her later on.

Inside my head I was saying “I HATE HER!!!”

And to my friends, too.

Who would I be without the belief that co-worker so long ago shouldn’t have accused me, shouldn’t have said that?

Noticing how very safe I was, and supported. Noticing how kind our supervisor was, and clear. Noticing I never got fired, or reprimanded badly, and I got a raise later on and cleaned up my schedule and my too-speedy work.

She called me, in fact, to a more confident, clear, directed version of ME.

She should have said that.

Woah. True.

Turning the thought around again: I shouldn’t have said that.

The inquirer on our group call said “Well, I didn’t say anything!” So her examples were more about what she said to others, or said in her own mind, or said to herself.

But then we found a really juicy other turnaround, that very much fit in this particular situation: I shouldn’t have stayed quiet.

Who was believing, immediately, without question, that she was wrong, or being shamed, or being charged with a crime, or stupid, or hated?

That was ME.

The fear was immediate and burned deeply…..I am not good enough, she doesn’t like me, something terrible is going to happen, I can’t speak up.

None of these things were ever said out loud, at all.

Ever.

Just a few simple other words (which in my case were completely accurate).

If you’re the type of person who is too quiet, sometimes….

….you may want to explore why.

Perhaps it really WAS safer to stay quiet and not speak up (in which case, good for you for making a wise choice).

But if you’re still worried when someone confronts you, you may want to do some deep inquiring, and see if what you’re believing is actually true.

To practice living this turnaround today, I got this idea to do the webinar I mentioned.

It may not be perfect, I may fall over my words, I might not get my point across clearly, you might think my voice is dorky, the pictures or slides may not make total sense….

….but that’s what you risk when you speak up.

You risk having it go very badly (chuckling now).

Turning it all around in the most remarkable way to imagine the future without suffering:

I am willing to speak up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.

I look forward to speaking up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.

It could definitely happen.

“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into flight-or-flight–not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you’d like to join my webinar tomorrow, Wednesday at 5 pm Pacific Time, then click this link here to register (kinda proud of my art work creation webinar page registration, so much fun to learn).

Click Here To Register for Eating Peace (Thinking Peace) webinar.

Watch my introduction here:

https://youtu.be/dOdbcjesQds

Much Love,

Grace

Room for plenty more still, starting Friday, with 3 days of Eating Peace. Clean up your inside thoughts, clean up your eating. October 9-11, 2015. For more information, click here.

October 4, 2015

I Have To Get Normal–And This Is Not It

Your great mistake: acting as if you are alone. Inquire with others, find freedom.

Dear Grace…..I HAVE to change, but I haven’t figured out how, even though I’ve tried everything.

Dear Grace…..I’ve been told I could benefit from an inpatient program for “addiction” (in this case eating disorders), but I don’t think it will work.

Dear Grace…..I know there’s no magic bullet or pill or weekend workshop to end all my concerns and stressful behaviors, so why should I bother signing up for any program (like Eating Peace, or The School, or that meditation workshop)?

Dear Grace…..Are there going to be other people who are: my age, my behavior, my experience, my problems, my gender, my size, my shape, my religion, my background? Or will I be the only one like me?

I notice when I’m offering a time to gather together, especially a workshop like Eating Peace (this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday 10/9-10/11) where we’re exploring the end of suffering especially around eating and investigating the internal world…..

…..people have many questions.

What I see them asking, at the deepest level, is this:

Dear Grace…..This is my story and it’s really painful. I’m afraid it will never end. I know coming to your retreat won’t save me, heal me, stop me, change me completely. But will it at least make a difference? Will it be worth it?

Have you ever felt this way about something you have a choice about?

I need it to be good (and good means: _____)

I need to NOT be bad (and bad means: _____)

What’s strange is, of course, there is absolutely no way to get any kind of solid, 100% confirmed, complete, guaranteed answer.

Ever.

How does anyone know to try something new, or different?

How does anyone decide Yes or No about a possibility?

A few years ago, I signed up for a program that cost a lot of money (according to me, it felt like a huge stretch) and travel time and planning.

Before I decided to sign up, I kept going back to the information presented online about the program, and reading about the founder and teacher, and re-reading articles and books by her.

It was offered every year, and I took a look for about 4 years in a row thinking “I should do this, I really want to see it for myself.”

What was the kernel of truth, the THING I really wanted, the spark of interest that stayed alive and afloat for all that time, that invited me to say “yes”?

It’s kind of undefinable in concrete terms, but I wanted to grow my feeling of feminine power and awareness and sensuality. I loved imagining FEELING pleasure, joy and self-love.

I had already done The School for The Work with Byron Katie quite a few years before.

This felt like a way to practice a turnaround about being thrilled to be alive, and being surrounded by supportive sisters (the program was for women only), and tapping into the joy of my unique life.

I wanted some examples of what it would look like to be living and practicing that turnaround.

My old stressful beliefs were “being female isn’t that great, sisters can hurt or compete with you emotionally, and joy is elusive.”

I knew those beliefs weren’t true.

I wanted to BE who I was without those thoughts.

However, I knew that once the program was over, I’d still be in the world with myself, in my own personal life, with my mind, feelings, soul, and unfolding steps.

And that’s what happened.

I participated in the program, and then it was over.

But I had tools and very solid examples of what this kind of energy looked like. I had pictures now of how I might open up to practicing the energy of whatever I felt “feminine power” was or “awareness” or “sensuality” or “pleasure” or “support” of other women especially.

I remember during that program I walked down the street one day by myself on the way to the morning session with the sudden question “what if right now, I experienced joy and felt every ounce of this body with gratitude?”

I walked into a Starbucks, to get the most fabulous drink that felt the most divine for my body, the most healthy and nurturing.

As I ordered my tea at the counter, the man said “pretty in pink!” and gave me a huge smile (I had on a pink shirt).

Everyone was smiling in the cafe.

People were happy walking their dogs on the morning sidewalks.

I thought “I adore New York City!!” (which is where I was walking).

Was it the program, or me…..

…..or a fabulous convergence of forces and energies all coming together at once.

Neither me, nor the program, nor the curriculum, nor the city is the “cause” of that moment.

It was all of it, joining together. Connected.

Does this mean it was “worth it”?

On the very last day of the School for The Work with Byron Katie over a decade ago, as I left the big conference room after our very last session, full of goodbyes, a staff person said to me….

….”Now is the real school. Your life.”

Gasp. All untethered? Without guidance?

But who was I in that moment without the story that this meant I had to do it all completely alone, that I was by myself, that I had to figure my whole life out independently from anyone else, or that I was not supported by the universe?

Who would you be without the beliefs that if you decide to join with something, anything at all….

….it HAS TO make a difference and I KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE!?!

Who would you be without the belief that you’re in charge?

Even with the simple act called doing The Work, or how about the simple act of eating (I know both do not seem so simple depending on your situation).

But what if you questioned your stressed out mind without expectation of the way it is supposed to look once you question it?

What I have found, over time, is when I do NOT know how something will affect my life, my behavior, my choices, my actions in a clear way….

….it’s actually a bit easier.

I let go of being The One who has to Know.

After my first School for The Work, I got a weekly partner and we kept questioning thoughts every Monday for two years.

All I need to know is that I hurt when I believe a whole novel of thoughts about a topic, and they’re all stressful.

When I inquire, I hurt less.

“You don’t need to figure anything out. You don’t need to see how it all fits together. All you need is to practice directing your attention to the life you want.” ~ Cheri Huber in What You Practice Is What You Have

Signing up for a program, a college course, a vacation, a class, a workshop, a date, a marriage, a retreat….

….what if you didn’t focus on the outcome, trying to make sure you won’t stand out, or trying to make sure you’ll be safe, or getting proof that you’ll be different (better) by saying yes?

All these are impossible to know.

What if you allowed yourself to join in simply because you’re curious? Because the way you’re doing it feels All Alone, and difficult?

Who would you be without the belief that you could make a mistake, or waste time or money, or fail at your plans to change?

I have no idea if I’m so different after my program in NYC all those years ago, but I love the story that keeps playing in my mind, the movie I get to watch, when I think about all the scenes and exercises and activities I was invited to do.

They still remind me to consider what it feels like to be responsible for my own joy in any given moment.

I could say it wasn’t “worth it” (I wondered sometimes after it was over) and I could have saved time and money NOT going.

But I can’t find that this is true, when I question it.

“Investigate all the beliefs that cause you suffering. Wake yourself up from your nightmares, and the sweet dreams will take care of themselves. If your internal world is free and wonderful, why would you want to change it? If the dream is a happy one, who would want to wake up? And if you dreams aren’t happy, welcome to The Work.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

If you’d like to enter the journey, even if you’ve started long ago, or taken it 1000 times, of questioning the beliefs that create suffering around food, diet, weight, failure, or your conviction that you must change (or else)….

….then Eating Peace is a 3 day opportunity to practice, learn, ask questions, find what’s really true for you, get a dose of quiet and insight that only you can really give yourself.

I have been down the long road of terrible suffering around food and eating, and it’s over now.

It has helped me immensely to consult those who have taken this journey and come out.

Now I can be that for you.

Someone wrote to me “I just want to get back to normal.”

Clearly seeing what you’re thinking that produces pain, the urge to eat weirdly, to rage at yourself, to be angry with your body or metabolism, to feel disappointment about food, to be upset with bread or despairing about sugar….

….and questioning these deep old thoughts is the fastest way I know to get to normal.

Whatever that is.

“Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone…..Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation…..Everything is waiting for you.”

~ David Whyte from his poem Everything Is Waiting For You

Much love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace is for those interested in peace, and those willing to look at war. Inner war, outer war. Inner peace, outer peace. To register or read more, click HERE. You don’t have to have any kind of disordered eating to attend, and if you do, you’re truly welcome.

October 2, 2015

A Mother And Daughter Conversation

an uninvestigated story argues with reality

Yesterday I had a sort of embarrassing conversation.

If it was recorded, it would be really, really bad.

7:16 am.

Daughter: I’m sooooo tired.

Stays seated on couch.

Me: (typing on computer).

Daughter: I should make my lunch.

Stays seated on couch.

Me: You need to get there right at 7:30 to talk with your teacher about the missing assignment.

Daughter: I don’t really need to get there THAT early.

Me: But since I’m driving you we have to get going. I need to get back to work with a client at 8:30. If you’re not leaving early, you may as well go ahead and take the bus.

Major tone change in voice.

Daughter: You’ll have plenty of time, jeez, what’s the problem!! We’re going to get there on time, it only takes, like, 7 minutes to get to school!!

Also major tone in voice. As in louder.

Me: I don’t see you getting up to make your lunch, though, and we should leave in 2 minutes!!

Daughter: But what about Starbucks!?

Me: Seriously?

Daughter: YOU SAID you would TAKE me to STARBUCKS!!!!!

Me (on the inside): (You little demanding entitled butt head, there is no way we are going to Starbucks).

I drive past Starbucks.

There was a 7 minute discussion about how long Starbucks takes from order to waiting to receiving the food and drink, and me giving a speech on how ridiculous to go to Starbucks when you can make tea or coffee at home and put it in a to-do washable cup.

Which would have taken 4 minutes, according to daughter, which would be waaaaay too long. (Longer than Starbucks).

So I’m fuming at the ludicrous conversation and actually IN IT at the same time. And trying to prove that making breakfast at home is faster than going to Starbucks.

I say in a huff, “You know what? You’re right.”

Silence.

Yep. That mature.

I think very quietly all the way home, in the silent car, after daughter gets out and slams car door.

The discussion of minutes, Starbucks, breakfast, lunch, tiredness, assignments, any of that did not really matter.

There was something inside that just wanted to be RIGHT.

It’s like a hot fire ready to scream “You are defying me? The Great and Powerful Oz???!!”

But what’s underneath that urge to defend, fight, and go to war?

Ahhh…..there it is again.

I really want my daughter to be happy.

I want her to feel confident, joyful, energetic, excited.

THIS is not happy.

There’s an extra twist when it’s my child, because I think it means extra extra that if she’s unhappy, I’m a bad mother.

A reflection of MOI.

And actually, I want everyone to be happy. My parents, siblings, colleagues, neighbors, spouse, friends, clients.

The more happy people the better I feel. Right?

Everyone else get happy, now! (Little joke).

However, how incredible to question this deep-held belief that it’s better for me if other people are happy and content.

Especially when reality (the level of happiness) does NOT match what I think I want.

Who would I be without this belief that my daughter really should be in any other mood or attitude or feeling state or experience than she’s actually in?

Wow.

OK.

You mean, no one should feel happier than they do?

But.

I know it’s weird.

Just consider what it would be like to NOT believe that person you love so much should feel happy, when they don’t feel happy. Or that they should act nice, when they don’t.

Yes, imagine not insisting that one single person on this planet be happier than they are.

It sure frees up a lot of pushing.

In fact, it feels like the end of war.

Hmmm, feels a little funnier, happier, goofier, upside-down-ish.

“Both pleasure and pain are projections, and it takes a clear mind to understand that. After inquiry, the experience of pain changes. The joy that was always beneath the surface of pain is primary now, and the pain is underneath it. People who do The Work stop fearing pain. They relax into it. They watch it come and go, and they see that it always comes and goes at the perfect moment.” ~ Byron Katie

My daughter right now, as I type here 24 hours later on the next morning, is reading out loud to me about SAT tests.

Today, she’s not exactly thrilled to be taking a college test exam at 7:45 on a Saturday morning. (She’s got a slight reading disability and does quite badly on tests, but what do I know…..and I don’t care, to be honest, in a really good. light way.)

And she’s the sweetest person, ever.

So beautiful, so stunning. So brilliant.

What I notice is I adore her.

And she adores me.

We get some good sparky fire going between us. The way of it.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.” ~ Mark Twain

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace 3Day Retreat. October 9-11, 2015. For more information, click here.

October 1, 2015

Don’t Be Careful, You Could Hurt Yourself

If you're too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself — If you’re too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself

Eating Peace 3Day Retreat is one week away. Room for more. Join me in this thrilling ride of ending wars with food, eating and body image. October 9-11, 2015. Northeast Seattle. Register HERE.

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I need to go easy on him.

Have you ever had that thought when you know you need to bring up something to somebody that you’re pretty sure they won’t like to hear?

Phew.

Feeling mixed about speaking up is very common for a lot of people.

Dangerous results come to mind. Like people getting really mad and running away, or lashing out.

When I was in my twenties I probably got the prize for being the most indirect, angst-ridden, nervous, unclear communicator when it came to dating and men that you’ve ever met.

Well, OK.

It maybe could have been worse.

And here’s the funny part. (Sort of funny, let’s put it that way).

If I didn’t speak, and let it build, and tried to make myself tolerate and NOT talk or say anything hurtful, guess what also tended to happen during those years when it came to communication?

Yep.

The complete opposite.

Slicing someone to shreds verbally on the inside. Being super bossy and controlling. Laying down the law.

I kind of hate to admit it.

The critical part was pretty mean. It mostly happened on the inside. I sometimes gossiped about people I felt scared of. I didn’t want to tell them to their face because I was super worried about hurting their feelings and pleasing them and remaining safe.

It took a lot for me to snap.

My most common way to snap?

Eating.

Since I didn’t let myself speak up to anyone, especially men, so I could avoid hurting their feelings……

…..I would go on these eating binges that felt like tornadoes.

It was like something clicked and I’d say “f*&K IT!” and stop controlling, suppressing, diminishing and squelching my own inner anger. In a mixture of panic, rebellion and fury, I’d eat everything in sight, or drive to find whatever food I damn well wanted.

I also smoked cigarettes, or drank beer or wine.

I was like a Rebel Beoch.

By myself in my own car driving around listening to loud music.

Finally telling the whole world off by expressing the inner energy like a fire storm.

When no one was looking.

(How was that workin’ for me? Um, not so hot actually).

The trouble with letting out energy sideways like that, it never gets directly resolved.

The truth was I felt the crushing experience of believing that Other People I Love could both hurt me, and be hurt by me.

I wanted everyone to be pleased with me so that I myself never got hurt, and never caused hurt.

In many ways, this is the sweetest, dearest, kindest most loving impulse…..way down deep inside the heart.

Do you see how innocent the impulse is to have no one, including me, ever feel frightened, abandoned, ashamed, or unworthy?

You have this inner impulse of gentle loving kindness, too.

But somewhere along the way, thank God, I discovered that being super careful not to hurt anyone had an obvious assumption for me under the surface:

That it was possible to be hurt (oh terrible), and that hurting must and can be prevented.

But here’s the bummer twist to the plot.

If it’s possible to be hurt and to cause hurt, AND you believe you can prevent it, then you’re in deep doodoo.

You have to be insanely careful.

In my situation with men and dating, I’d just not answer the phone if a guy was trying to reach me for a second date. Or I’d act super this-is-friends-only and pretend I didn’t hear if a guy made flirtatious remarks who I wasn’t really attracted to.

If you believe in getting hurt, you may have to “work” on yourself to make sure you quit acting so hurt. Or you may do everything you can to relieve the hurt, end the hurt, get rid of the hurt. You need to constantly learn techniques to fix the hurt, repair the hurt, and quit suffering about the hurt.

But you just can’t accept the hurt.

No way.

You gotta FIGHT it, SMASH it, DESTROY it, BURY it.

(Munch munch chomp swallow chomp munch smash chew crunch grind chomp).

But who would you be without your story about HURT?

This includes not only hurting when it comes to dating….

….but every kind of emotional fear of getting hurt, like with friends, family, kids, siblings, co-workers, bosses, neighbors.

Who would you be without the belief that you are capable of hurting just like you were hurt?

Without the belief that it means you are worthy of being hurt, if you were hurt?

Or that someone else is worthy of being hurt, if they hurt you (or hurt others)?

What if you didn’t have the thought that hurting is forever?

“There is only one problem, ever: your uninvestigated story in the moment.” ~ Byron Katie

For me, to question my beliefs about this world hurting me has been the most basic, deep mystery brought forth by The Work.

It seemed like the universe was unfriendly.

You know, those unfriendly situations? You know the ones I’m talkin’ about?

Bad stuff happens.

Who am I though, in this present moment, without that thought that hurting happens, that getting damaged is irreparable, or that it means the universe is not so nice?

Not denial, not sugar-coated, not making it look fine when it isn’t…..

…..this is really looking to see what is actually, genuinely true.

I keep finding, with the help of others and the support of life, that every time I believe I’ve been hurt, I’m carried or pushed or guided or pointed, however softly and subtly (sometimes intensely), to something different.

Something healing.

My disordered crazed eating brought me to seek help, which brought me to the wisdom of others who had healed before me, which brought me to looking deep within at my definitions of pain, history, family, love, parents, work, God, life and death.

Your suffering may have brought you here today, to read these words, because you are a lover of understanding life and reality.

You want to know the truth.

Me too.

I turn the thought around about that thing that hurt so horribly:

that experience healed me
I was not hurt
it did not mean I was deserving of the pain
there is no need to be careful here
I have not unforgivably hurt other people
I did not hurt myself permanently

Could these be just as true, or truer?

Remember, this isn’t denial.

It’s not condoning or believing yay, I got hurt or someone else got hurt.

It’s holding it all in one wide open expansive place, mysterious and unknown.

“If you can learn to remain centered with the smaller things, you will see that you can also remain centered with bigger things. Over time, you will find that you can even remain centered with the really big things. The types of events that would have destroyed you in the past can come and go, leaving you perfectly centered and peaceful. You can be fine, deep inside, even in the face of a deep sense of loss…..Ultimately, even if ‘terrible’ things happen, you should be able to live without emotional scars and impressions.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Keep inquiring.

We’re getting it.

Can you feel what’s centered and peaceful, even with all the suffering you’ve gone through in your life?

If you can’t….don’t worry.

Inquire.

Nothing more required.

Much Love,Grace

P.S. Do you hurt yourself with food and eating? Eating Peace may be a wonderful experience for you. October 9-11, 2015.For more information, click here.

September 30, 2015

If You Think It Could Go Wrong, Look Forward To It

But I could make a mistake.

I could do it wrong.

I must do it right.

There are many dangers to worry about when it comes to doing it wrong:

hurting someone’s feelings
forgetting something
saying the wrong date
mixing up peoples’ names
revealing a secret
being mean/bad/nasty
eating the wrong food
feeling the wrong feeling
making a bad decision
thinking the wrong thoughts
losing something or someone
causing pain anywhere

All these places where you can cause upset, do it wrong, experience the result as awkward, or horrible, or dangerous.

And it’s my fault.

(And of course, if it could be my fault, then it could be someone else’s fault too).

The other day I was thinking, during a beautiful inquiry session, about my dreams of doing everything right.

Such a simple, yet painful, belief.

So old. From childhood.

The world is full of right and wrong and therefor it’s possible to do it wrong. I must be vigilant about doing it right.

But what if…..this is amazing really…..

…..what if the world, and life, or any situation you could possibly think of, was never wrong?

Who would you be?

I find, it almost shorts-out, like an electric pulse sparking and dying, the vision of what this might be like.

Can you feel it though, in your body?

What if you just felt what it would be like without your belief that a mistake could be made, in any area, ever?

What if you didn’t know anymore what was right or wrong, in any situation?

Who would you be without the belief that something happens, and its bad or good, and it would be someone’s fault (including yours)?

“Start like a child, honey. Just be a child. Go in for the love of truth. I’ve found that it’s the truth that sets us free. The very simple little truths…..You don’t realize what a success is yet or you would love yourself. You would really love yourself! Skip all the hard work. Look for peace from here now, not in the world. And then enjoy the world as it lives you.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story?

I am willing to do it all wrong, to makes mistakes every single day, to never get it right, to completely misunderstand, to blunder through it all, to never achieve perfection.

I look forward to doing it all wrong, to making mistakes every single day, to never getting it right, to completely misunderstanding, to blundering through it all, to never achieving perfection.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

How does that feel?

Oh. Wow.

Laughing.

“If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you must first allow it to be given. This is called the subtle perception of the way things are. The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast.” ~ Tao Te Ching #36

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace 3 Day retreat is now filling here in Kenmore, Washington. We look at how right/wrong appears with food, eating and body….and imagine who we would be without these thoughts.

For more information, click here.

September 30, 2015

I Really Have To Change My Thinking

faraway — Are you thinking you’ll never un-do all your stressful thoughts? Don’t worry, that’s just a thought, too.

Sometimes, when people have been doing self-inquiry a little while, oh OK let’s be honest….a long while….they get a little discouraged about the persistence of thought.

I’ll never stop thinking.
How could I ever silence all the thoughts that constantly generate in this mind?
I’ll be on my death bed questioning my beliefs
I haven’t changed enough by now
it’s never-ending
I quit

Have you noticed how brilliant these ideas are…..for continuing to feel that your situation with thinking is a serious condition?

How do you react when you believe you have to get rid of your thoughts, or that they SHOULD end, or that they’re serious, or that thinking is ruining your life?

I notice one major way people react to this is they feel angry.

With themselves.

Ow.

It must be me and my horrible ego, my powerful brain, my bad thought habits.

I’m anxious, afraid, too many terrible things happened to me. I’m too obsessive.

I’m too addicted to thought. I love stories. I’m terrible. I’m doing it wrong.

I’ll never become enlightened.

(Curtains. Everybody sits in shocked and despairing silence at the terrible end of this movie.)

Well, OK, maybe it’s a little melodramatic, but you know you’ve gone there at some moments, right?

What have you done, to “work” on your thinking?

Books, trainings, mentors, drills, practices, lists, reminders, bells, chimes, workshops.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

(I love them all).

But who would you actually be without your stressful beliefs about thoughts themselves?

Who would you be without your rage, or your angst, or your war against your own mind?

Wow.

Not fight my own mind?

“Don’t worry about undoing all of your beliefs. Just investigate the belief that’s causing you stress now. There is never more than one. Undo that one.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

I mean, I notice there’s a lot going on around here besides my thoughts.

There’s a being here, it seems, looking around, feeling the pulse of being alive, hearing sounds. All in this collective soup of brilliance and wild wonderful activity.

How does all this even happen? I’m just here, a part of it.

I’ll always stop thinking.
How could I ever keep alive (and loud) all the thoughts that constantly generate in this mind? (I couldn’t if I tried)
I will NOT be on my death bed questioning my beliefs (or, I will be–YAHOO that’ll be fun!)
I have changed just right by now, and, it’s not really up to me anyway
it’s always-ending
“I” doesn’t ever quit. Ha ha!

I love all these turnarounds and how sweetly they appear just as true, or truer.

Can I notice that I always stop thinking about something stressful, and how gaps appear between thoughts, and thoughts move from here to there, reappearing and disappearing over again, and I forgot what I was thinking anyway, over and over.

“And what is aware of all this movement? That which never moves. That which you truly are. In the midst of all the movement of life, total stillness.” ~ Jeff Foster

It’s OK to think. OK to question. OK to wonder.

There’s so much unknown, so much to wonder about, right?

It gives the mind a fabulous job to question thoughts, examine, investigate, study, watch, observe, slow down, lighten up.

What do you notice right now, in your present moment?

See…..you know what it’s like to not have a story already.

Nice.

Much Love,

Grace

September 28, 2015

Crushed By Hearing No? Answer This One Question.

depression — If you experience “no” and it hurts….inquiry can teach you what it’s for

Last week Peace Talk entered the sound waves again. Plus yesterday Episode 92. If you haven’t listened yet, check these two episodes out and let me know your thoughts.

The topic of Peace Talk yesterday was something filled with devastating suffering for many, depending on the situation:

Hearing NO from someone or something.

No, I don’t want to take your class (that was my situation)
No, I don’t want to be married to you (um, also my situation)
No, I can’t come to your party (yep, I’ve had that situation)
No, I won’t be showing up to the event (again, I’ve been there)
No, we’re not hiring you (hmmm, I think there’s a pattern)
No, you can’t have that (yes, starting age 2)
No, I’m not talking with you (rats, this has happened too)
No, I don’t want what you’re offering (also since childhood)
No, we aren’t friends anymore (ouch, yes it’s happened)

Dang.

Why’d you have to bring this up?

How ’bout let’s watch youtube videos this morning instead. Do we really have to look at this today?

Aren’t you over that whole I-don’t-like-no thing by now?

But diving into this topic, while initially very difficult depending on what you’re believing is lost to you, can be powerful beyond words.

What is your relationship to this NO?

Why don’t you like it?

What I find it boils down to is one basic very painful belief set:

I am not liked, not loved, unappreciated, unworthy, and wrong.

Whew.

How do you react when you believe this deep, gut-wrenching thought when you hear a “no” from somewhere in your life?

Some people feel awful and withdraw, run away very wounded.

Some people begin quickly to find fault with the person saying “no” and make a list of their defects.

Maybe you even attack the no-sayer.

He’s got it all wrong. How could he be making this mistake? He’s so dumb. She’s so ignorant. They’re wrong.

Maybe you try to bend over backwards adjusting yourself so you get a “yes” instead and the person changes their mind. Maybe you twist yourself into a pretzel with stress and anxiety, thinking about how hopeless this is, how you wish you did it differently in the past.

Some people wish they were dead after they hear “no”.

Some people feel this way when relationships end, with family or life partners.

It feels so devastating when you believe that it’s true that hearing a “no” means something is wrong with you (or them).

Who would you be without the belief that NO is wrong, or worse, than YES?

Almost hard to fathom, right?

It’s so ingrained that yes, yes, yes is soooooo much better than no, no, no.

But what would it be like if you really didn’t know this?

Let’s say you get a twinge of thirst.

Some time goes by, and you’re more and more thirsty.

You’re not near a place where there’s running water easily accessible. You ask someone walking by if they have water.

No.

You go into the nearest shop and ask if they have water.

No.

You ask where the nearest grocery store is, or water fountain.

It’s pretty far away. You don’t have a car.

This is not looking good.

At this point, some people might feel so disappointed they begin to say things like “I am such an idiot, I should have brought a water bottle, what was I thinking?” (I thought this myself on a hike once in the mountains).

“I am so stupid, I should have been kinder to my partner, or clearer to that student, or more fun to that friend, or more curious and patient with that acquaintance.”

Who would you be, though, if you did not see this “no” situation as a major problem?

You wouldn’t give up asking or looking, and you wouldn’t freak out or hate yourself for needing something, either.

I notice disappointment.

It feels sweet and touching, like something inside me cares very much and it’s OK.

But not pushing and aggressive.

I might say “can I ask why your answer is no?” and I listen carefully, with great curiosity and fascination.

I trust the movement of the universe, the way of it.

Who knows what good, interesting, kind and brilliant thing comes from this “no” and the awareness of Not This?

Turning the thought around:

NO is better than YES (in my situation).

How could this be true?

Can you find examples?

There are fewer people to attend to now in this course, an easier number to learn about, work with, remember and meet with one-on-one.
Everyone has the immense freedom to come and go as they please, to find their yes or no….and this means me, too
I have more free time, quiet time, unscheduled time
I get to know myself even better and question the thoughts that there is something wrong with me—I notice there isn’t
I become delighted in my own company
I notice what is beautiful, precious, loving, wonderful right here in this room, without a “yes”

What if your NO is the Universe and Life NOT giving you enlightenment?

I need a YES from life or God or the Universe or Source (whatever you wish to call it that feels mysterious and beyond the little you)…..

…..is that true?

Are you sure you don’t already have a yes?

Look around

One who does what the Friend wants done will never need a friend.

There’s a bankruptcy that’s pure gain.

The moon stays bright when it doesn’t avoid the night.

A rose’s rarest essence lives in the thorn.

~ Rumi

What if this “no” is actually your Friend?

If you think it isn’t, are you sure

What is ultimately the great threat to you in this “no”

Breathe deep the essence of “no”, the brightness of “no”

Keep inquiring.

The great question, when it comes to feeling crushed by hearing the answer “no”….

…..what is actually being lost?

Are you supported?

Even if it’s the chair you’re sitting in. Notice.

Much Love,

Grace

September 27, 2015

Kiss The Feet of The Master by Investigating your thoughts

On my walk during retreat lunch break--silence, brilliance, joy Kissing the feet of the master — On my walk during retreat lunch break–silence, brilliance, joy. Kissing the feet of the master

I just spent three days in The Work.

Gathering with a group, writing down thoughts, asking people the four questions one by one, answering the questions internally, listening, watching minds scamper around, connecting with others in deep honesty, questioning again, sharing very authentically, dropping in deeper.

This was retreat.

The past three days were so sweet, like eating the most delicious food in the entire world.

I looked around the room gathered with 15 people and thought of them all as the most unique, fascinating, adorable, courageous, willing people.

Many of them part of a Year of Inquiry. A handful simply coming to do The Work, to learn it, to apply it and “do” it for the very first time. Everyone is welcome on the two retreats I do per year (the next one is May 13-15 by the way).

A feeling of great joy filled my body and heart for the entire retreat, the intention, purpose and sincere beauty seen in questioning the mind.

Warm, thrilled, touched, connected.

Looking at a circle of people, for me, was not always this way.

At one time, if I was one member in a circle of 15, including myself, I would have been sizing up everyone as fast as you can say Jackie Robinson.

If I was the facilitator (by some some weird fluke)…..oh boy.

Kill me now. My heart would have been beating fast, I would have had adrenaline. I would have wondered how I got to be leader, was there some mistake?

I would have been judging who I needed to be careful of, who was mentally off, who was needy, who was a blabber mouth, who needed psychological counseling, who to avoid.

My mind would have been the #1 sound, running the show with great precision and speed.

So proud of itself at the helm. So shiny and strong and genius.

And well….ok…..

…..I still think of the mind as an astonishing genius. It still comes up with ideas that are so crazed and insane and loving and hilarious they’re ah-mazing.

But I get the idea now, the truly tear-filled idea, that I do not have to believe everything I think.

Wow.

Who would all of us be without our very sad, or very traumatic, or very tragic, desperate, or empty stories about our lives?

This isn’t something that comes in the snap of two fingers.

For three days, with beautiful meal breaks and bathroom breaks and silent walks and nights to ourselves sleeping, most of us looked at one situation that brought deep disturbance to our peace.

A daughter who lied.
A wife who might embarrass her husband.
A sister who died young.
Husbands who didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t treat his wife fairly.
A body that gained weight.
Supervisors at work who criticized.
A mother who was mentally ill.
A mother who never succeeded and wasted her life.

These seem like small slices of the whole big pie of life, right?

Sometimes, one situation seems like such minutiae.

That one five-minute moment where I felt suffering.

Could I really find freedom if I question that one thing, that one situation, that one interval out of my whole existence?

Yes.

Try it.

Answer the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet about only one tiny (or very big) interaction with a person in your life who disappointed you, angered you, or made you truly sad.

Not yourself.

It’ll come back to you anyway.

Just trust the process and watch your judgments towards another person.

Give the judgments a voice instead of ramming them underground or deciding you need a lobotomy or hating yourself or doing positive affirmations.

Don’t be such a meanie to your own mind and your own thoughts.

Let them all be there.

Have you tried to CHANGE your thoughts, with aggression? Have you said things like “I’m such a sh*$ I really need to get this together” or “if only I could stop thinking this thought” or “what the hell is wrong with me”?

Well, now you can try another way.

I notice the self-condemnation doesn’t work. It would have worked by now, if it was going to work, I notice.

How about you?

Instead……

……Halleluia, you’re thinking a stressful thought!! You hate someone, you’re really annoyed, they’re driving you bonkers, you can’t stand it, you lost someone!

Let this passion live and come out on to the paper.

This past three days I saw what happens when people explore a situation they experienced as suffering, with The Work. This is what happens when they don’t tell themselves they better stop thinking….or else….

….I call it Love.

At least, it feels like love to me.

“No one knows how to let go, but anyone can learn exactly how to question a stressful thought….After that questioning, you can’t ever be the same. You may end up doing something or doing nothing, but however life unfolds, you’ll be coming from a place of greater confidence and peace.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (married to Byron Katie) in 1000 Names For Joy Introduction

Even if YOU do not see exactly how you are changing, or you throw another log on the fire of hating-what-is and you say something like “I can’t do this questioning thing” or “it doesn’t work for me.”

Your path is very exquisite and unique.

Questioning your situations must become your own.

And it can, and must, become your own inquiry.

Your life is all about being with you and who you are, is it not?

I saw people give themselves this incredible opportunity these past three days to study themselves very closely.

It was soooooo inspiring.

Find YOUR way into self-inquiry. You might wonder if your stressful beliefs are true, and wonder if you’re worthy, or desirable, or important, or loved.

You are.

At least, that’s what I keep seeing as I connect with people in The Work.

People I’m so in love with.

This is one of the things that has happened over time, with the capacity to inquire: I love the people I sit with in a circle.

It is no longer alarming, or something to worry about.

Even if I get a little excited and have damp underarms the first day, and notice my body feels a little electric and on and awake….

….it no longer feels frightening.

Holy Holy Moly that is FANTASTIC for someone with all those pounding judgments in the past, and so much hesitation and caution.

I LOVE EVERYONE.

Then I turn this thought around and realize….

….I’m so in love with me, too.

“Gratitude, you could say, is what remains of the experience of humility. That’s my favorite position. It’s a sense of kissing the ground, licking the ground for its pure deliciousness, kissing the feet of the master that is everything without exception. There is such a sense of thankfulness for no longer being the person who thinks she knows and who has to live life out of that limited, claustrophobic mind.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Starting a special inquiry circle in Seattle second Sunday of every month from November 8 until June 12 (time TBD). Eight sessions. For those of you who love in-person rather than phone and want to keep inquiry alive so you can practice falling in to love and out of the limited, claustrophobic mind.