Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
One of my absolute favorite agonizing beliefs to do The Work on have been stressful beliefs about being liked.
Especially when someone actually DOESN’T like you.
Ooooh, isn’t that just the juiciest thing?
Yowser, it can hurt if you believe someone should like you, care about you, appreciate you, love you….
….and this person appears to dislike you, disown you, cut you off, and hate you.
Ha ha.
A little argument with reality going on here.
But let’s look.
I’ve shared it before (and I’ll probably share it again).
I had a friend.
Notice the key word “had”.
She learned something about me one day, a partial piece of information that was actually said in jest as a joke in a written article, and she believed it was true.
It’s one of my favorite situations and relationships for The Work because I felt so innocent. I felt like I really didn’t do anything wrong, and it was such a big fat misunderstanding.
But she stewed, analyzed, struggled within, and then reported me to the state as a counselor who has sessions with people naked.
Yep, it was that insane.
(I have to chuckle because I am so modest and shy, through my historical conditioning, that I wouldn’t be caught dead in front of anyone outside of a locker room or bedroom).
The fascinating thing is this friend adored me, and I adored her as well. I found our conversations joyful, fascinating, and soooooo in depth.
We were very close and our intellects were thrilled to trade ideas back and forth.
Of course, since I was someone who expected to be liked, who planned and tried hard and worked to be appreciated…..
…..I had no idea of her thought process and didn’t realize for months and months that she was so concerned.
Except I got the hint when she never returned my calls, didn’t respond to emails.
I was thinking….”did I do something wrong, did I say something rude….what??”
This is a really fascinating thing the mind does, that thinks “I” am the important thing here.
It’s all about me.
I must have done something wrong. She should keep liking me.
I could have prevented this dangerous event (betrayal, withdrawal, cut off, anger) from happening.
I had to do The Work a lot on that friendship ending, against my will (ha ha) and because of a ridiculous assumption.
But who would I really, really be without the belief that she should like me, and hang out with me, and see me as brilliant and “right” instead of wrong?
And what is this idea all about anyway…..where it feels safer and more comfortable if people appreciate me, rather than find me threatening?
What is going on there?
There’s this kind of core, deep, yet unnecessary sense physiologically that I’ll die, or be killed, if she doesn’t care about me.
I’m in danger. I’m unimportant. I’m worthy of being betrayed, or dissed, or pushed away. That’s what this means.
Boy, I love the way this assumption and attempt to gain control of the situation grabs for responsibility.
If it’s my fault, I can do something about it.
Trouble is….it’s not really my fault.
There’s a whole host of things happening when someone decides someone else is a piece of dung.
Everyone has their glasses on from their past conditioning, and what they believe, and what they think will be safe, and what they feel they need.
I had to ask myself, many times in that painful work…..
…..who would I be without the belief that I need to be liked and accepted?
By her? By anyone?
“If I had only one prayer it would be this: God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that I need to be liked, by anyone, I notice where I’m sitting.
I notice this present, gorgeous moment. A white leather couch. A lamp with newly changed lightbulbs (miraculous, the bulbs), a glass of water, a pink hoody lying near me, a bare arm, snippets in the mind of a wonderful conversation earlier today with my dear friend and teacher Ross, the still air in the room, the dark green trees through the windows.
Without the belief that anyone, ever, needs to like ME (me-me-me-me-me-all-about-me) I’m so free, I almost burst out laughing in this moment.
What are you doing or seeing or feeling in your present moment, even though someone in the world doesn’t appreciate, or like you?
Is it incredible?
If it’s not “incredible” can you just take in what is in your environment, and look around, without feeling the belief that anyone needs to appreciate you personally?
If you stare at the place you’re in…..is it not bizarre, and exciting, and rather fascinating?
Turning the thought around: I must have done something right. She should NOT keep liking me. I should keep liking myself. I should keep liking HER.
How could this be as true, or truer?
OMG.
I should keep liking myself, I should keep liking her.
Wow, instead of automatically thinking I must have done something wrong, instead of thinking I screwed up, instead of thinking I’m missing something, instead of thinking she’s awful, instead of thinking she’s a mean messed up incorrect childish person….
….I can find these things are all as true or truer.
I can simply wait.
Be here now for this moment.
“Where do you find the wisdom inside of you, when you’re free, or when you’re worried? Inquiry bring us to that birthright. A free mind. This can feel like going to the dentist at first, but when you’re in peace that’s all you can see–peace. If I’m rattled about something, on the other side of that the most amazing clarity comes….I don’t call this The Work for nothing.” ~ Byron Katie
Do your inquiry. Give yourself this gift.
Who would you be without your belief that anyone should like you?
Many years ago as a young adult I was in an awkward position between two friends.
In Year of Inquiry today, I suddenly was reminded of this situation.
It’s funny how that happens when other people are doing The Work and bam….
….the same situation appears like a vision, to be questioned and understood and resolved in your own past life.
So back then, one close girlfriend of mine told me that a guy we both knew, who I had been friends with since childhood, was a jerk.
I knew both of them pretty dang well. (I still know them both).
They didn’t know each other well at all.
The friend of mine since grade school was, according to my girlfriend, not leaving her alone. He wanted to date her. He was calling, stopping by her job, seeking her out to sit near her when we were all together at the same weekly event.
In a heated moment, she told him to quit and that he should chill out.
He got very hurt.
Great, I thought.
Two friends of mine hate each other. What a drag.
I’d prefer to be left out, and not to have known this information at all.
That was my reaction.
I felt anxious and conflicted. I wanted them to get along. Bummer.
Here were some of my thoughts:
he should stop acting so needy and grabby
she should stop acting to controlling, bossy, and judgmental
he should be more sensitive to women
she should be more sensitive to men
because of their stupid reactivity, now I have to deal with maneuvering around their crap so they don’t get more triggered
I can’t invite them both to the same event anymore
Bummer
It all came crashing back in an instant.
I didn’t even spend THAT much time with either one of these people, and yet a storm of thoughts hit the fan.
They should NOT have conflict.
Now, I can do The Work since I know how to question stressful thinking, and see what’s up for ME in this situation.
Have you ever had two people fighting, arguing, like vinegar and oil?
Maybe two employees, two people you know who are dating or getting divorced, your mom and dad, your kids.
They should deal with the conflict much better….they shouldn’t fight.
Is it true?
Yes. What a pain in the ass.
What good does this do for anyone?
But can I absolutely know that they shouldn’t have conflict, or that this is a problem?
Well, no. I have no idea what this thing is between them.
It’s also their business.
People do have conflict in the world, I notice. They get all upset. They react. I react to them reacting, when I believe reaction shouldn’t happen.
How do I react when I believe two people I care about shouldn’t have conflict?
The blast of judgments is intense in my mind.
Rather intriguing really. What do I care? I enjoy when people love each other but it’s a little weird to be so opposed to them not loving each other.
How do I treat them when I believe they shouldn’t have conflict? Or they should get along?
Frustration.
I actually start to rip both of them apart in my own mind. So now there is not only those two having their thing against each other, but I’m angry and finding major fault with them both.
I say things like “she’s always been like this” or “he’s such a dunce, he should have been more cool.”
I figure out what they both should be doing, and notice what they both are doing wrong.
So who would I be without this belief that those two people over there should get along, and it appears they aren’t?
What if I just got here from another planet and I had no idea what “getting along” was supposed to look like, and no belief that people should like each other, who don’t?
Wow, this is a very old thought. How strange to be without it.
You mean we can just let everyone hate each other when they do? I mean, shouldn’t we try to like everyone, help everyone get along, make peace, be as joyful as a spring daisy poking through a field of snow?
I realize, I’m believing it’s soooooo terrible to not get along, I hardly allow conflict to occur in my presence without dashing away like a bolt of lightening.
I realize, I don’t even let myself dislike people, when I do. And I certainly don’t let my friends dislike each other, or they become NOT my friends.
Who would I be without all these thoughts that people MUST GET ALONG?
Relaxed, even in the presence of conflict. Open. Willing to be present when things are a little toppled over between others.
Not adding to the pile of conflict.
Without the belief that people should be close, or friends, or loving….
….when they aren’t….
….I stay present rather than running away, or feeling enraged.
I’m not afraid of this conflict.
In fact, I even feel more confident. Here to serve, if it’s called for, and here to listen or be quiet, if it’s called for.
Turning the thoughts around: they SHOULD have conflict.
Well, they do. That’s the reality of it.
I shouldn’t have conflict with their conflict. I shouldn’t have conflict with conflict, even within myself.
Yes, this is true.
I should stop acting so needy and grabby for reality to be different (especially when it comes to others in conflict)
I should stop acting so controlling, bossy, and judgmental when it comes to these two friends (or to myself)
I should be more sensitive to him, to myself, to her, to women
because of my stupid reactivity, I have to deal with maneuvering around their crap so I don’t get more triggered
I can invite them both over at the same time
Good news
Wow, good news you say? Really?
How could it be a good thing these people rub each other the wrong way, for my own growth and enlightenment
It shows me what is not necessary for peace.
Peace can even happen right in the middle of war.
Amazing, but I can see how that’s true.
“When the will to power is in charge, the higher the ideals, the lower the results. Try to make people happy, and you lay the groundwork for misery. Try to make people moral, and you lay the groundwork for vice….Thus the Master is content to serve as an example and not to impose her will. She is pointed, but doesn’t pierce….”
When you’re afraid, and you believe it’s all true, you may try to escape
Eating Peace in-person 3 Day Immersion Retreat is coming October 9-11 in north Seattle or November 13-15 in Newark area outside San Francisco. (And I’ll teach it a third time Jan 22-24 here in Seattle again). Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs.
This Grace Note isn’t just for people with eating issues….
….it’s for those of us who do weird things that don’t make sense, that seem out of integrity to our truest nature.
Things that hurt, or hinder, or damage, or diminish something in our experience.
After many years of eating wars and studying how to stop the insanity I experienced….
….and then working with clients one on one for over a decade….
….I discovered some very common themes and deep-seated fears people experience who don’t know how to eat in peace.
Many of these things are true for people who eat without trouble, but do OTHER things without peace.
I started with myself, of course.
When it comes to the way I ate, I remember it well.
It was a *horrible* way to live.
Overeating, binge-eating, emotional eating, over-exercising, getting up at 5 am, avoiding meals with friends and family, pushing, pushing, pushing…..
…..ugh, what a nut-case.
What a painful life.
I didn’t know how to solve my problem of war-like activity. Constantly, my solution was to find a special or perfect way to do different activity. A different diet, a different exercise routine.
What I didn’t know was that the way I ate was not really my problem.
It was a symptom (you’ve all heard this before, I know).
My actual problem was war-like hateful thinking and feeling.
But I couldn’t see it at the time. I always thought something was wrong with me.
Thank goodness for the teachers, helpers, and healers I encountered along the way.
And thank goodness for my extreme, horrendous, life-threatening behavior…..because it made me HAVE to look, instead of avoid looking year after year.
Eating is NOT the only way war manifests in peoples’ lives.
Which is why I’m talking about it in Grace Notes (rather than only on Eating Peace news or videos, and if you want to see Eating Peace videos, just update your subscription at the very end fine print).
But you may have noticed, people have so many other very agonizing activities they engage in regularly that they don’t really want to be doing…..definitely not just food and eating.
So let’s take a look at how to work with difficult feelings (that lead to such difficult behaviors).
My thoughts and feelings in the past were violent.
When you believe violent thoughts about yourself, about your past, about other people…..you’re scared.
You feel powerless. You feel angry. You feel hateful.
Sometimes you feel like you wish you were dead.
Sometimes you ream on other people and categorize others as evil and dangerous (you’re violent in your mind towards them).
Even if you NEVER have taken a bite of food in your life that was emotional rather than based on physical need…..
…..you probably have done something in your life that you really wish you hadn’t, later.
You may have experienced the feeling of self-criticism, sadness, discouragement, depression or shame.
Have you ever noticed that even when you know a ton of stuff about some topic it doesn’t matter sometimes how much you know?
You study about diet, or money, physical fitness, communication, relationships, business, health, success….
….but nothing really changes.
You still tank on the action becoming different.
You still yell at your kid, you’re still late, you still get super anxious, you still drink too much, you still spend a huge chunk of money outside of your budget, you still surf the internet for an extra two hours, you still worry, you still cheat on taxes, you’re out of integrity.
In Eating Peace we dive into the process of exploring how it happens that even with all the knowledge in the world about nutrition, diet, glucose levels, good-feeling foods, foods for your body type, cave-man diet, or mindful eating, or a getting a degree in medicine…..
…..you still eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat the foods you know don’t work well with your body.
I’m sharing this with you all (not just people interested in Eating Peace) because looking at stressful behaviors when you think you know better is seriously interesting.
And seriously disturbing and discouraging.
Doing something you’ve vowed not to do is also fairly common.
Why do I eat when I already know it ends in physical pain and I’m clearly not hungry?
Why do I spend money when I already decided I’m trying to save for that special thing and I want to do?
Why do I rip that woman to shreds in my head and decide to fire her without explanation?
Why do I fantasize regularly about my old boyfriend?
Why do I get all freaked out about the next steps in my career that are pretty obvious?
Why do I never sit down and finish that book proposal?
Why do I race from spiritual teacher to spiritual teacher and fifty retreats a year trying to find enlightenment?
When is enough, enough?
Why is it NEVER enough? (And like I said, this is not about only food and eating).
Well….heck…..
…..if I may be so bold to say: fear.
I think something, I am frightened, I believe it is true, I react.
There is no other possibility when I think what I believe is the truth.
But what if there was another way?
Another option?
“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind–you are the one who hears it.” ~ Michael Singer
Answer this question. Use your imagination for good (not to terrify yourself).
Who would you be without believing your fearful thoughts?
Who would you be if you captured what you were thinking before you overate, or bought something you don’t even really care about, or broke up with your partner, or got together with your old boyfriend, or drank wine, or smoked a cigarette, or started worrying?
Who would you be without your thoughts about life, other people, success, God, you, money, other people….or other people?
(Notice how I have other people in there a few times? I did that on purpose).
Get yourself in a place where you can take the time to question what you think.
It helps to get facilitated. It helps to have a mentor, or a guide, or a teacher.
Who would you actually be, what would you DO, how would you behave, if you knew you could somehow be with fear without DOING something about it (like eat) or believing it to be 100% true?
Question your thinking, change your life.
That’s not a small thing.
It’s huge.
If you notice you have difficult thoughts about food (and you don’t have to have an eating disorder, or be overweight, or obsess about diets all the time) then come to Eating Peace.
Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs. Yes, that isn’t a typo. We stick together and stay engaged for many hours each day for a Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Even if we *think* it’s a big fat bummer and we need alone time and we have to go eat something ASAP or die.
You get to see if it’s really true.
Join me in this work I love.
Whether Eating Peace or another retreat–they’re all about the mind and feelings.
Question your thinking, and watch how you act and behave in the world simply change.
Without the violence of trying.
Much Love,
Grace
P.S. One person cancelled yesterday, and one person signed up, so there’s ONE spot open in the 3 day weekend for ANYONE starting this Friday in simple Self-Inquiry and The Work of Byron Katie. Dive into what scares, angers or saddens you the most about your life….and find freedom. Reply to this email if you want to join us in Seattle.
Don’t go to far into the darkness. You don’t have to do The Work alone!
Last spot available for 3 days in The Work in Seattle starting Friday. We meet in a beautiful private home in Magnolia.
Bring your painful thoughts about your life, the places you get stuck….and leave with lightness and freedom.
Who would you really be, using your brilliant imagination, without your stressful beliefs?
The power of the group can be transformative, and really help you “get” The Work.
(Hit reply if you’re interested, and want to register).
Speaking of groups.
There’s nothing like a full set of ears, eyes, and feelings in the form of a group of people to help you get into your honest personal work.
This happens in any modality.
Where multiple people, or even one other person, are gathered….
….there are more minds involved than only yours.
One mind, questioning itself, can be a bit tricky.
The other people present help you keep steady in your work, not run away mentally or emotionally. No one has to give you advice or tell you what to do, they are simply present to you finding your own answers.
At the monthly meetup last weekend, as always, I loved the contributions, feedback, and sharing from other people even if they weren’t on the hot-seat doing The Work on an important situation.
I’m clapping my hands right now thinking about how awesome it will be to do The Work with a much larger number, and for three whole days, as people assemble to dive into inquiry this coming weekend (including Friday). The majority of the group will be people in Year of Inquiry, but it’s open and accessible to anyone else desiring this kind of freedom from stressful thinking.
The feeling is phenomenal, and so supportive.
Whenever I’ve been stuck in my own work, there’s nothing like feedback from someone else.
Why?
Because to get out of your own very seductive story, even when it hurts, is really, really difficult.
It’s like a locomotive going 120 mph down a one-way track!
You start being blind to what’s really true for you. Things get murky, foggy, distorted, hazy.
You’re activated. You’re triggered. You believe you’re in danger, or being criticized, or something’s wrong.
You try to fix it…..QUICK!!
But if you stop and put yourself in a group of people, or even get one other person to be with you as you consider your thinking…..
…..an incredible thing happens.
You stop freaking out.
If someone asks you…..“Wait, now, are you SURE that’s true?” you get to stop a moment, to pause.
In this pause, you may grasp some awareness and clarity, or sanity, just for a second.
“Imagine that while you’re lost in the disturbed energy you actually do one or more of the things that your mind is telling you to do. Imagine what would happen if you actually quit your job, or if you decide, ‘I’ve held this in long enough. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.’ You have no idea how big a step down that is. It’s one thing if the disturbance is going on inside of you. But the moment you allow it to express itself, the moment you let that energy move your body, you have descended to another level.” ~ Michael Singer
If someone asks you the next question….”How are you reacting with the thought?” you begin to watch yourself.
You get some breathing room.
If you’re stumped when it comes to the fourth question “Who would you be without your thought?” people can possibly help you.
They can remember who they are without the belief, since they aren’t triggered in that moment.
Connect with others doing The Work.
Hand someone the Four Questions and say to them “ask me these questions, please, and just sit here listening to my answers without saying a thing.”
Anyone can do this work and stop believing what their minds are saying.
What a relief.
Go find a partner, invite people over, go to a group, take a class, join a retreat….get with someone else and do your work together.
If your image of ME took a break….do you notice how open you are?
You know that difficult, traumatic, sad or irritating situation? The one that feels so hard when you think about it?
What would make it perfect, instead?
This seems like a normal question, maybe pretty familiar to you, when processing an interaction or situation that seems less than ideal.
Something’s not working. Got it.
The mind will start offering ideas, suggestions and plans for a better, improved situation.
We all do it.
Well….if this situation is “x” (not good enough) then how can I change it?
Nothing wrong with pure, genius problem-solving.
Someone breaks their leg, we call 9-1-1. Someone loses their job, they put their resume together ASAP and start filling out job applications and networking. Someone learns they have an illness, they change their diet or get treatment.
Very natural.
But the mind sometimes then goes into high-rev fix-it mode, without remembering to question if something really needs fixing.
Or if it was actually possible to fix. At all.
We might save a lot of time by giving up, relaxing, pausing or waiting without moving into Solution Now mode.
How?
Well, it may not be what you think.
With The Work one of the best ways is to go MORE deeply into the brainstorm about how a difficult situation could be improved. Get more thorough about it.
Really contemplate and see WHAT WOULD MAKE IT PERFECT?
Instead of crap. Instead of the way I’m seeing it.
This is Question 2 on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
How do you really, really, really want this situation to change? What do you want that annoying person to do, or say, or think, or feel?
What would make it PERFECT for you, instead of awful, imperfect, frightening, or sad?
Spending more time on this question can make things surprisingly efficient.
So let’s take a look at an example.
Yesterday, I had a meetup at my home for The Work.
I always love the group who assemble. They are fun, interesting, fascinating people, every single time.
There’s usually at least one new person, often more.
Everyone writes a worksheet on a difficult situation, something they’re dealing with they don’t like.
Two people who came had very critical thoughts about someone they knew really, really well.
Themselves.
So, without advising the usual (to NOT judge yourself) they went for it, judging themselves, watching their own disapproval of the way they behaved.
I should be relaxed. I should be grateful. I should be willing to change, or leave, or walk away. I should be more disciplined. I should be more comfortable being alone. I should be less controlling.
Whatever it is….how would you change the situation if you made it perfect?
For me….I notice I have an idea of the ideal, amazing, brilliant, astonishing version of me.
Not this shy, boring, mediocre version of me. Not this never-wealthy, unsuccessful, low-impact, dull, un-funny, un-enlightened version of me.
This perfect version of me is exciting, smart, quick, successful, grateful, thrilled, peaceful, loving, sensual, and beautiful in that situation when I was anything but that.
When you see what you think “perfect” looks like, you can take it to inquiry.
Stay with that question today.
It helps you identify your thoughts, your plans for yourself, your expectations.
I get to see my thoughts about what a good person looks like, what the right thing is, what a person does or thinks or feels that I would admire.
And then……ahhhh…….
……I can inquire.
I can ask the amazing question: is it true?
“Heaven: This is wonderful, I could stay here forever.
Hell: This is not quite perfect.”
~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?
Can you notice how you bring yourself into hell when you think you are not quite perfect?
Who would you be, could you be, if you believed you were wonderful as you are, that you could stay as you are forever?
Who would you be without the belief in perfection being somewhere other than here, or someone other than me?
Bizarre, I know.
Very odd for all of us who have hated and criticized ourselves relentlessly for so much of our lives.
Now is as good a time as any to question your thinking.
Can you imagine not thinking you need to change anything about your personality, your defects, what you said, did or felt?
“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy. If you are resting as your own true nature, then you feel that there is really nowhere else to go.” ~ Adyashanti
question your past, without pushing yourself, and notice peace in the present
Lately the topic of Grace Notes has contained some pretty serious life situations.
Death, destruction, killing, suffering.
I’ve gotten some powerful notes from people in response.
People who went through some horrible, horrible life events in childhood, or situations where there was a war going on, or a nasty accident where people were killed.
Someone said “how could that be wonderful?”
Ack.
It can’t be.
And one thing is for sure….you should never be trying to make yourself think something is wonderful that ISN’T for you.
Byron Katie says, “I’m not asking you to drop your story”.
The only reason, ever, to engage with self-inquiry is because YOU want freedom for yourself. You want peace. You want to not be bitter, terrified, or enraged with what happened to you.
It does not ever mean that what happened is *wonderful* or *great* or *small* or *forgettable*.
Not unless it actually becomes this, for you, in a really genuine, deep, clear way.
I don’t think I’ll ever think extreme violence is wonderful.
But I am very, very interested in studying the affects of my beliefs, my greatest fears (which have felt profound) on my present experience.
I look around and I can see that right now, in this moment, life is very slow, calm, quiet. There are no voices anywhere. There is the small tap-tap-tap of the computer keys as I write. I see a white painted door slightly ajar to the outer room. I feel my favorite ugly gray sweater on my forearms. I get to participate in a sacred dance tonight that honors a dear friend who just died of cancer.
This moment is safe, and easy.
I see that life brings this moment.
It brings the capacity to sit and question past trauma and to open my mind up to the possibility that NOW is full of love, and the traumatic images I see in my head are IMAGES.
They are not real. Not now.
This is not denying what I remember, or diminishing my history or my situation or what I encountered…..
…..or what you have encountered either.
What I know is, it feels incredible to hold the position of Not A Victim.
This is where inquiry has brought me.
When I believe someone did me wrong, someone hurt me and there is no way to ever get over it, or that I need that body part I lost….
….I am stuck.
I am full of suffering.
As I question and inquire into what is true, I find I am not so sure of the worst that happened anymore.
Those people caused me to have a terrible life
Cancer brought only pain, terror and despair
I will never be free from my suffering
God is a sadist
There is no getting over evil
There is no peace for me because of what I suffered
Start with whatever belief you have about your life. Begin with only one moment, one situation….even if you had many terrible situations and experiences.
The Work can be used for even the most gruesome acts of unkindness, sickness, desperation.
Use it for your own freedom, not anyone else’s. If it is not right for you, or it makes you mad, or you think it means you are denying what happened, or even condoning and saying it was OK that it happened and this is not acceptable to you…..
…..take a break.
Then, if you know it’s right for you, keep going anyway.
At least for me, there was no other option, if I wanted to end my war with reality.
“When I ask these questions, in no way am I condoning cruelty or even the smallest unkindness. The perpetrator is not the issue here. My sole focus is the person sitting with me, and I am concerned solely with her freedom.” ~ Byron Katie
Could the turnarounds be just as true or truer?
Those people caused me to have an unusual, extraordinary life
Cancer also brought acceptance, rest and clarity
I will be free from my suffering
God is all-loving
There is always getting over evil
There is peace for me because of what I suffered
Who would I BE with this different story, in the present moment?
There is something about those moments where great sorrow, violence, trauma, pain, and sadness are born.
These can be very, very powerful for The Work and self-inquiry.
And a bit difficult, you know?
Sudden accidents. Violence. War. People fighting. Physical pain.
Last night, in Year of Inquiry group, a courageous inquirer read his worksheet from age five.
We’re jumping into our first month with the topic being Family of Origin (I love saying FOO, a phrase coined by my graduate school program).
Some of these past moments, the most stressful ones, are vivid in our minds and hearts. They may have affected us our entire lives, or so it seems.
“My father had a violent temper” and “I want him to stop hitting”.
These are so straight-forward.
The wonderful simple thought of a five year old writing his beliefs (and really, an adult writing from the future–which is now–too).
How could I possibly be without the thought “this is a violent temper” or “I want him to stop hitting”?
Seriously?
They are soooo true. They are absolutely true.
But stop a moment.
Don’t go all the way to the far reaches of space when you imagine being without these thoughts. Or that you’re crazy, because you remember for a fact that your dad went into a rage.
First, simply notice who you are in this moment, right now, without the beliefs running through your body and mind and soul associated with terrible, painful memories.
Do you notice you are here, breathing, even sitting in a quiet room on a comfortable chair?
You made it.
You didn’t die from that terrible situation.
Good to notice.
This work, for me, is about looking at what is true. Not putting ideas, judgments, or beliefs on it.
Seeing, without deciding anything about what happened.
It is NOT about denial, or thinking “Hey, no problem my dad hit my mom, I’m OK with that.”
Of course you’re not OK with that.
No one in their right, loving mind would be OK with that.
But it’s questioning the impact of those situations, those moments.
To question them, I find…..
…..something shifts and becomes less vicious or intense.
The energy or anger or rage is dispersed.
To question these frightening, loud, crazy, intense moments brings clarity, strength, and noticing much more than what was happening at only those moments.
What is true?
Can I dare to question it?
What do I notice about reality?
I see that here on planet earth, sudden and destructive and crashing things happen.
Loud noises, injuries, bodies getting severed or dying, disease, people yelling, wars, weapons, fighting, fists punching, things breaking.
Who would you be without the focus on all this as the end of the world, as completely overwhelming, or that you can’t handle it or we don’t make it through such situations?
Who would you be without the belief you couldn’t handle it? Or that the person who was a perpetrator (if you have one you can picture) was evil and shouldn’t have existed?
I notice they did exist.
And I find, as I sit still with this idea over and over that such occurrences happen in humanity, I continually notice that in my life I get to explore another way. I get to study anger, and rage, and violence and addiction, and see what else feels more right, more natural.
Who would you be without your thoughts that there are some things that are too much to bear?
Bearing it.
“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past. All the pain we have ever suffered, all the pain that any human being on this planet has ever suffered, is gone in this present moment. We live in a state of grace.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy.
If you have questions about denial, or being too passive if you do The Work, these are powerful observations and worthy of deeply questioning and bringing to the process.
See what is true for you. Really, really true.
All I know is, everything that’s ever happened that felt horrible for me has turned out to be OK now, manageable, even wonderful teaching.
It’s not denial, or trying to fake positivity, or being unreal about something difficult happening.
These things happen. They are worthy of deep inquiry, to see the truth for yourself.
Who you would be without thought.
“The master is the woman who dented your car, the man who stepped in front of you in line at the supermarket, the old friend who accused you of being selfish and unkind. Do you love the Master yet? There’s no peace until you do.” ~ Byron Katie
The master could be someone who has done much worse.
if something is taking a very long time on the computer….you could quit!
I was trying to do something that I was told was simple.
You just download it, and voila….after a short configuration, you’ve got a great forum for your peeps.
I should have been more alert when I read “short configuration”.
But I’m pretty good at figuring out tech stuff. I rather enjoy it. I’ve built my whole entire website (with some VERY important help a couple of times, mind you) by myself.
I don’t know how to write code and I’m not going to learn. But I do like DIY.
Do It Yourself.
I didn’t want to hire some stranger (again) and not know what they did or how to repeat it or how to upgrade or make edits or add content myself.
What I was trying to do was supposed to be easy.
Create a private forum (finally, it’s about time) for my Year of Inquiry members. So they can post worksheets, comment, ask questions, share insights.
About 16 hours later (seriously, all morning Saturday starting around 5:30 am, Sunday early hours ticking by also, yesterday around 4 hours more).
Reading, watching youtube videos, learning.
OK, I got it.
This is gonna be great!
I installed several plug-ins and bam.
My screen went white.
Someone who I was asking a few questions on facebook said “Um, I don’t see your website anywhere. Did it disappear?”
ARRRRGGGGG!!!!
Call the website hosting company, hang out on hold, they disable all the plug-ins (its OK if you have no idea what I’m talking about) and then my site comes back on line.
Which is good, I guess.
But my thoughts weren’t that fun….
this is ridiculous!
can’t someone figure this out for me–I will pay!
I hate this stuff!
I want to be writing, working on a podcast, creating a webinar, answering my emails, updating OTHER things on my website
this is taking too long!
Woah. That is one heck of a stressful belief, and a very, very common one:
This is taking too long!!!!
You might think this about a project you’re doing, but you also might think this about someone else’s project, or how fast they’re walking, or how fast they’re cleaning up, or why the line you’re waiting in isn’t getting shorter.
What is going on with this queue (if you’re in England)?
Jeezus!
Let’s inquire!
Is it true that the thing you have thought to be taking too long….
….IS taking too long?
Too long for what? For who?
Too long for ME!
It’s true!
This is torture!
Can you absolutely know this is true?
No.
Who would you be without this belief?
Without the belief it’s taking too long, or too short for that matter?
Who would you be without the thought that there’s a length of time something should take, and it’s not going that way (in your opinion)?
As Byron Katie might joke….”Who needs God when we have you?”
Without the belief, I’d stop thinking about all the alternate things I could have, would have or should have been doing for the past three days.
I’d relax.
I’d keep asking, then letting go, then asking, then letting go….and moving on to fun, interesting, other things.
Like writing this Grace Note. And working with clients.
Turning the thought around:
It’s taking just the right amount of time.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Nothing terrible happened. No one died.
I learned a bunch of things.
I had a nice chat with a support person, and a facebook chat with a lovely woman web developer in New Mexico.
I finally dropped all effort and went out on my bicycle and felt wind in my hair, and my breath pumping in and out, and saw the tall trees with leaves fluttering madly.
I laughed with my daughter when she came in from school, telling her I’ve been sitting in this room all day trying to figure out one thing, to no avail.
I got to stop and work with a client at 9 am and again at 11:30 am even though Mondays I try not to fill with clients. I wasn’t even thinking about wordpress forum plug-ins when facilitating The Work.
Without the thought that anything, ever, has taken too long?
Wow.
I’m aware of advantages for things that take awhile, advantages for things that take a short amount of time, advantages for not getting involved.
If it was shorter, it would be too soon.
If it was longer, it would be too long.
But it isn’t.
It is just the right amount of time.
Even this life that I’m living. It is not over yet. I have lived just the right amount of 54 years so far, and will live just the right amount longer, for a brilliant, perfect, sweet life full of learning, growing, imagining, waiting, awakening, being.
It does take a load off, don’t you think?
What advantages can you find for things taking the time they take?
Even your five year old getting dressed, or your grandma walking down the store aisle, or your teenager taking a shower, or your partner finding a job, or the contractor putting in the new kitchen floor.
“All things–all beings and all activities, no matter how ordinary–are equal expressions of the Infinite. There is no more or less Infinite, no higher or lower Infinite….If you could all at once stop believing your dreaming mind and be completely still right in the midst of your present state, the Infinite would effortlessly present itself.” ~ Adyashanti
Ah.
This quote by Adya just appeared, without much effort or looking.
All in an ordinary act of stopping, doing The Work, writing, thinking, stopping.
What advantages can you find of things taking as long as they take?
Sept 19 Seattle Mini Retreat 1:30-5:30 at my cottage (4 CEUs)
Sept 20 Meetup 2-4 pm The Work of Byron Katie North Seattle
Sept 25-27 Seattle 3-Day Retreat (room for 3 more)
October 9-11 Eating Peace Seattle 3-Day Immersion Retreat
November 13-15 Eating Peace San Francisco area
Two more spots open in Year of Inquiry, the whole-year alive practice in The Work via phone/skype, recorded sessions, and an online private forum for sharing your work with a small group for a year with new topics each month.
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How would it feel to have no need for approval, love or appreciation….from that person who doesn’t seem to be giving it to you?
Byron Katie says that seeking love, approval and appreciation from anything outside of yourself is one of the most painful experiences of suffering in the human condition.
She has said frequently to audiences that if she had only one prayer, it would be to NOT seek love, approval or appreciation from anyone.
I am sometimes astonished by the tendency of thought to entertain and hold ideas that have to do with this very thing.
I don’t think he likes me
what did she mean by that look (or that comment)?
she criticized me
he left me
he doesn’t understand me
I could get fired any day now
I did something wrong, or I could soon
Sometimes, when I look clearly and closely at this place of concern, it’s like there’s been a beacon on the top of my head, a huge search light scanning every relationship I’ve ever encountered.
This search light is scanning to make sure everyone around me is calm, relaxed, happy, secure, and enjoying themselves.
If they aren’t…..uh oh.
There’s a problem.
(Oh, and by the way…..if they are TOO calm, relaxed, happy, secure and full of joy then we might put them on up a pedestal, or we might be jealous of their good fortune or wonder how they got like that).
In any case, there’s a measurement happening, with this kind of thought pattern and awareness of how much love, approval or appreciation is coming in our direction.
Categorizing people into points on a scale for positivity, clarity, enlightenment, capacity to serve, how fun they are, and how well they connect with us.
And inside the gut, a childlike sense of worry.
Does that person like me? Do they approve of what I’m doing, or what I did? Do they appreciate what I’m like, or what I offer? Do they love me? Will they be kind?
Am I safe? Will I be abandoned?
Let’s take a look.
Find one person in your life who you’ve worried sometimes if they care about you, or love you, or approve of you or appreciate you.
Byron Katie found this energy rose with great intensity with her own mother.
Ahhhh…..mother.
If you want to go to a core place for learning about love, visit mom or dad in your inquiry.
Find a situation when you knew this person did not appreciate you, did not love you.
This can be done with anyone. Anyone who you think, in some disturbing situation, they didn’t like something about you.
Today, for some reason, more of a stranger comes to mind.
Someone I don’t know very well.
This woman left a retreat I was teaching.
She was brand new to The Work. I’m not even sure how she found the retreat. At the end of only the first day, she left a note reporting that another participant made her so uncomfortable, she couldn’t take it. She left after sunset, quietly without telling anyone else.
She was gone.
Other people were noticing an intensity with this same interesting person who was a part of this retreat. The woman who left was not alone.
I should have handled the group dynamic differently. I should have done a better job.
I can go to that moment, the one where I found out this woman left.
Come back! No! Don’t ditch out so quick! Wait!
And then, this voice–the one that seeks appreciation–came into form.
Even if I understand her reasons for leaving….she should trust me, let me help her, come to me for assurance.
She doesn’t trust me. She thinks I can’t do the job of creating safety for the group.
Is it true?
Yes. I could have done better. She was too new to self-inquiry. She’ll never come back. This isn’t good.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true that she doesn’t true you?
No. I have no idea what she trusts or doesn’t trust.
I really don’t know.
How do you react when you believe someone doesn’t trust you?
How do you react when you think you should have done something different, so someone would stay with you?
This thought arises in love relationships all the time.
And remember mom? Or dad?
Did they ever show you the very same belief in living color?
Did mom or dad ever think you should trust them, but you didn’t? Did you ever think they should trust you, but they didn’t?
How do I react when I think someone is uncomfortable?
I might assume I’m responsible. Even the tiniest bit.
My mind races on how to make them more comfortable, how to help them calm down.
They should feel love, I should feel love, everyone should feel LOVE.
Whatever “love” is. We should all feel it.
So who would you be without the belief that anyone should trust you, ever?
Who would you be without the thought that someone should stay in your presence, stay at a retreat you’re leading, stay in the relationship you have with them, stay connected–whatever connected looks like or feels like, for you?
Huh.
Wow.
Without the belief that connection has been compromised, no matter what is going on? Even if people leave?
Without the belief that someone isn’t trusting me, and they should?
Without the belief that someone should like me, and they don’t?
Without the belief that I need anyone’s approval, or appreciation, ever?
Holy smokes!!
This is one of the most liberating feelings.
A feeling of going back to something extremely, deeply, impenetrably innocent.
A sense of being a child, or an angel, beyond this tiny human life I apparently inhabit.
Without the thought that it’s important for anyone to love me, I suddenly remember the feeling of expansive……well…..I could call it “love”.
A centered, warm, alive feeling deep in my entire torso.
I feel connected to everything. Connected to this moment, this presence right here.
The floor beneath my feet, the earth, this early morning kitchen, the light beginning to glow outside, the soft white couch, the lamp, the brown pillow, the waking up daughter coming in a putting her head on my shoulder for a moment to read what I’m writing.
Who would you be without the thought you need love?
Who would you be without the thought you need that woman from that retreat to remain present physically in the retreat and not leave?
I would feel laughter, acceptance.
People can come and go and do whatever they do.
They can like, or not like, things I say or write or do or express. They can resonate with what’s happening, or not, and do what they need to do, without my getting involved.
Turning these thoughts around:
I don’t trust myself. I don’t think I can do the job of creating safety for the group.
I don’t think I like myself
what did I make it mean with her look (or comment)?
she complimented me, I criticized her, I criticized myself
he did not leave me, I left myself, I left him
I don’t understand myself, or him, and he doesn’t understand me
I could never get fired, I could fire myself or fire this job
I did something right
Today with all these opposites, and holding the feeling in my heart and body of not believing the stressful need for love, approval or appreciation…..
…..I connect with whoever shows up around me.
Why would I need anything more, or different, than this? It’s almost absurd to care, without the belief that I need anyone’s appreciation, or love.
I even connect with whoever isn’t showing up right now, and people who have left and are far away, if they come to mind.
I trust the Universe, Reality, God, Source, Life to handle what’s going on around here.
And I don’t even have to trust it to handle anything….it is going the way it goes without me demanding anything, including approval.
“In order to be truly free, you must desire to know the truth more than you want to feel good. Because if feeling good is your goal, then as soon as you feel better you will lose interest in what is true. This does not mean that feeling good or experiencing love and bliss is a bad thing. Given the choice, anyone would choose to feel bliss rather than sorrow. It simply means that if this desire to feel good is stronger than the yearning to see, know, and experience Truth, then this desire will always be distorting the perception of what is Real, while corrupting one’s deepest integrity.” ~ Adyashanti
What I notice in Reality is people coming and going. People feeling whatever they feel towards me, and towards themselves. Me feeling whatever I’m feeling towards others, towards me.
It changes and flows like breath, in and out, like the tide, like day and night.
Love, approval or appreciation is Here, then Not Here.
Contact then no contact.
Leaving and staying.
Remembering and forgetting about the woman who left the retreat leaving a note and slipping away after sunset.
Trusting her to take care of herself perfectly for where she was, where I was, what was required in reality.
Who would you be without your story that appreciation, or approval from someone, or trust, or love is required for you to feel good?
Laughing. Crying. Being. Silent.
Filled with appreciation, approving of this room and this brilliant moment, loving being a little battery buzz of life force doing whatever this thing does called Grace.
