Grace, Author at Question with Grace

June 7, 2017

Trusting reality…I am willing to experience it, I even look forward to it

In the Year of Inquiry program, we’re embarking on our last month as a private group (although everyone continues with Summer Camp for The Mind for July and August).

The topic?

The worst that we believe could happen (our fears), shame, guilt and the turnaround to #6.

Not exactly light reading.

The Turnaround to #6 is profoundly mind-bending. There are good reasons why we’re invited not to jump to that special kind of #6 turnaround inquiry before we spend time answering the four simple questions around a topic or person we’ve found painful.

What everyone will get to do in Year of Inquiry is return to investigate further someone they’ve done The Work on, perhaps last autumn when we all began together.

Someone who we repeatedly have a thing with (you know, THAT person) is so great to sit with for this #6 deal

They might also choose to dig into their shame and guilt about something they themselves did, or a way they acted in the past.

Choose one of these people right now. Can you see him/her/them in your mind?

Now see one of the most disturbing or irritating dynamics you’ve had rise when it comes to that person.

What is it you never, ever want to experience again with them, if you really had your way? What is it you’d like to have vanish from your interactions? What would you like to erase, like wiping away chalk on a blackboard?

I don’t ever want…..(this is what you write down when you’re filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet question #6).

I don’t ever want:

to be abandoned
to feel such terror, or rage
this person I love to die
to be hungry, fat, injured, ugly
to lose something so important to me
to be betrayed by a friend
him to hate me
her to criticize me
not have enough (money, time, clarity, enlightenment)

You’ve looked at that moment, you’ve explored with the four questions. You’ve learned so much from what happened.

And now….the profound #6 turnarounds.

I am willing….

I look forward….

This is not a sadistic or masochistic wish to be mean to yourself or others. It’s not a anihilistic urge to destroy everything, or give up all hope for happiness.

It really is something to contemplate with a tone of peace, awareness of how you are OK. How life goes on, love is possible, and you might not know the full reason for anything with your mind.

So try it on right now, with something you’ve noticed you wrote or that you say you never, ever want to experience again:

I am willing:

to be abandoned
to feel such terror, or rage
that this person I love dies
to be hungry, fat, injured, ugly
to lose something so important to me
to be betrayed by a friend
for him to hate me
for her to criticize me
to not have enough (money, time, clarity, enlightenment)

How could this be true? Why would you be willing to experience this again?

See if you can find even a tiny example that’s loving, genuine, and kind to yourself. This isn’t about inflicting further pain.

For example, I am willing for him to hate me, because I’d know I said something deep and courageous and he’s simply responding. I’d return to my own inner preference or truth, without needing him to like me. I’d become aware of who not to hang out with. I’d have the chance to talk it out and hold us both lovingly. I’d learn even more powerfully how to be kind as well as direct.

When you turnaround your #6, you’re flipping your own command to the universe that you’re too tiny to handle something happening again.

You’re turning around your conviction that the world is dangerous and things should be divided into Good and Bad so you can make sure to get as many of the good crumbs as possible. You’re turning around an image of yourself and others, including Reality, as uncaring.

And then we turn around our #6 even further, upping the ante.

This can really freak some people out. They think of their minds as so powerful they’ll re-create or birth this experience, just by saying or thinking it.

(In fact, it’s the complete opposite to wonder about your greatest fears. A lightness comes, you don’t give so much power to your fear).

I look forward:

to being abandoned
to feeling such terror, or rage
to a person I love dying
to being hungry, fat, injured, ugly
to losing something so important to me
to a friend betraying me
to him hating me
to her criticism
to not having enough (money, time, clarity, enlightenment)

Can you feel the humor in simply first not allowing your mind to be so terrified that you’d brace yourself against these common experiences in human life?

Can you feel the relief in noticing every up has a down, every life has a death, every hate has a love, every criticism has acceptance?

What would actually be interesting, entertaining, bittersweet, heart-breakingly beautiful about experiencing your world fully without demanding Reality change so you can be happy?

For example: I look forward to getting cancer again because….

People will surprise me with their words of love and incredibly generous help, I’ll meet new practitioners, I’ll notice how amazing sensations are in the body like pain, and absence of pain. I’ll get to lie in bed and read, and watch fabulous movies. I’ll get to do The Work on my identification with the body and thinking it’s all I am and all I need. I’ll hold peoples’ hands. I’ll speak very honestly about how I feel about people. I’ll have wonderful conversations with visitors. I’ll be a model of someone who’s questioning their beliefs on the Titanic. I’ll no longer have to earn money, fix my house, or weed the yard.

What are your reasons for entering into the thing you thought you never wanted to experience?

Is it exciting yet?

And if it isn’t, all is well. You’re doing it just right, in perfect timing.

If you can’t do this work yourself, don’t worry.

You don’t even have to make a decision,

one way or another. The Friend, who knows

a lot more than you do, will bring difficulties,

and grief, and sickness,

as medicine, as happiness,

as the essence of the moment when you’re beaten,

when you hear Checkmate, and can finally say,

with Hallaj’s voice,

I trust you to kill me.

~ Jallaludin Rumi

P.S. Just found out there are 3 more spots in Breitenbush retreat in 2 weeks. Join us for The Work and turning it all fully around.

Much love,

Grace

June 3, 2017

Retroactive jealousy…when you need it a certain way, it gets ugly

Oy veys, I got the completely incorrect link for Summer Camp for The Mind for all of you who are wanting to check the schedule and information page.

Head over HERE to find out all about Summer Camp online program including the daily schedule.

Yes, it is entirely sliding scale and yes, it begins with a 3-hour mini retreat (two of them, to be precise, at different days and hours for those of you in completely different time zones). In the mini-retreats we’ll simply be doing The Work, one after the other. It doesn’t matter if you’re experienced, or a brand new beginner.

And finally, I forgot to let you know that the usual First Friday wouldn’t be happening since I’m traveling and in spotty internet connections. We WILL however meet on the second Friday, June 9th at the very same time 7:45 am PT. Save this link HERE for joining me on 6/9. (Apologies for not warning you)! July we’re back to First Friday.

******************

And now for another fascinating topic I first wrote about in 2015. It vaguely appeared while on this trip about retirement planning.

Retroactive jealousy.

I hadn’t really heard the term, but a dear inquirer used it about his experience of stress when it came to his partner.

This can expand beyond jealousy about someone you love having been with someone else.

You can also be jealous of someone’s historical success, the experiences they’ve encountered, the achievements they’ve undergone. In the Past.

As in, it’s not even happening anymore. But you’re jealous as you hear about it.

I myself should have gotten that opportunity! I should have been the one getting that experience. I should have been the boyfriend. I should have been the girlfriend. I should have had that kind of scholarship. I should have gotten that kind of degree. I should have woken up back then when I was that age!

I remember an inquirer who always felt, because her husband had a previous marriage where his wife had died of cancer, that she was always “the replacement” and she felt pain and jealousy of what her husband’s previous marriage had been.

Good fodder for inquiry.

First….consider why this is troubling for you?

What do you think it means, that the person you’re deeply interested in, this person you love, had another life, before you came along?

It means they’re comparing ME to someone they knew previously.

It means I’m not the first, I’m not the special person. It means they have numerous, general, multiple experiences in their life and I’ve missed out on all of them. It means I’m not 100% important. It means they might have great memories with other people and they’ll desire them again.

I must confess, the only place I’ve personally ever experienced this Retroactive Jealousy is around something to do with accomplishment and success with career or money, as I mentioned.

As in….I’m jealous someone else got THOSE awesome career opportunities. I didn’t. They planned well. I didn’t.

Bummer for me. Good for them.

How do I react when I think I didn’t get that experience, in the past, that someone else got?

It can feel devastating. Sick. Soooo uncomfortable.

I leave the person who has sparked this comparison-mode. I want to get away from them. I retreat. I feel very disconnected and separate.

So who would you be without the belief that you should have been there, you should have had that experience….in the past?

Who would you be without the belief that the person you love shouldn’t have been with that previous person?

Who would you BE?

“I’m a lover of what is. It’s so painful when I’m not. There’s nothing we can do about it. It is what it is. And we’re all lovers of reality…..We all want what is because it’s the way of it. And we all KNOW it….How does it feel to react to your own lie??! To something you don’t even believe yourself? We’re attached to this concept. And we think they’re doing it TO us. But it’s nothing more than our fairy tale is being burst.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would you be without the thought that this other person’s story is the better way?

I’d feel quiet. I’d be laughing. I’d be thrilled with my relationship with myself, my own life.

I’d be overjoyed in hearing about other peoples’ life paths, successes, achievements, experiences, mates. I’d be so curious, in a really good way.

Turning the thought around….

….I shouldn’t have been there, I shouldn’t have had that experience I’m hearing about, there’s nothing out of place, nothing is wrong, nothing is missing, all that happened before to this person is perfect and important.

I should have been in my own life, with my own experiences, in this body here.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

“It’s living with no net. You do it and you die and your knees wobble and you’re weak like a baby and you’re so vulnerable. It’s so exciting. Much more exciting than your story. It’s love affair, and it goes as deep as it can. The love of self.” ~ Byron Katie

“You are whole and complete within yourself. You do not need anything. You do not need anybody….No clinging, no holding on. If you need it a certain way, you are dependent, and it gets ugly.” ~ Michael Singer

Wow.

Right here, this place, age 56 and doing whatever I’m doing. I notice I’m traveling on a trip my mother saved up for to celebrate her 80th birthday, so I didn’t need to have more success to do this amazing adventure.

I have a suitcase. I have legs that can walk many miles. I bought a simple silver necklace to match the ones my sisters also bought in a market yesterday.

Nothing more is required.

Much love,

Grace

May 30, 2017

Something opens our wings….summer inquiry

Holy smokes, it’s only just over a month until a huge time of opportunity for inquiry gets underway, in TWO different formats. I’ll tell you about them (I highly recommend both) in a minute.

But first, I wanted to share something sort of funny about The Work with me.

Early in my practice of learning The Work, I knew I had great insight when doing it, even after attending the School for The Work.

But. It’s a little weird (though it turns out, not as uncommon as you think). I wouldn’t do it!

I’d think, can’t I just do it in my head? Or maybe quick out loud, while I’m driving? Do I really have to follow the steps and write things down?

I’ll get to it later.

Ugh, it’s so much….WORK.

And I’d find, over and over again, it was never deep and life-shifting until I took it slowly and followed the simple directions: Judge Your Neighbor, Write It Down, Ask Four Questions, Turn It Around.

There is nothing like actually doing The Work as a regular practice in your life to assure you clean your mental slate, reduce or dissolve your stressful thinking, and make inner shifts you may never have thought possible.

What do I mean by “doing” when it comes to The Work?

It sounds simple, but it’s definitely not easy.

People tell me all the time, they feel upset, or nervous, or bad….but they don’t really know why.

This process helps you know why, and then to question, or un-do that knowing.

Like pulling a very stubborn weed out by the roots.

I hope you’ll consider joining me for this summer season blitz of The Work. I’m available almost daily live via telesessions, and we join together with a group of awesome folks.

The good news? It’s all come-when-you-can and low fee season, and a time of fun and sharing and simplicity.

Kinda like summer.

The first event coming up for diving into the great ocean of inquiry is joining together with others to share a retreat called Being With Byron Katie for four whole days! We will be watching the event streamed live on a large flat screen in a lovely house in Seattle, and holding complete silence in between viewing sessions (which is the same as the in-person participants with Katie will be doing in Switzerland).

Yes, you can come for the weekend or one-day only (same low fee of $185) and watch what you miss via recording until September 30th for no extra.

Our silent event Being With Byron Katie begins on Saturday, July 8th at 9:00 am and ends Tuesday, July 11th around 9:00 pm. Find out all the details here, including information about how to reserve your overnight stay in Seattle (but commuters are entirely welcome) at our retreat site house, rented just for us. We’re starting to fill, so good to join us soon.

Some people travel from other states, or fly, to attend Being With Byron Katie in Seattle. ITW candidates can earn 24 credits for an in-person Katie event at the end (ask me how if you’re interested).

The morning following the Being With Byron Katie event, we’ll have an optional 90 minute session for Q & A for those with special questions, from 9-10:30 am on Wednesday July 12th as a part of the event. Several certified facilitators will be on hand to support you. Anyone is welcome if you’re registered for Being With Byron Katie. We’ll meet at the same house where we’re viewing the program.

Staying in The Silence

“I could never, ever, ever be quiet on my own in the same way this 4 day retreat offered me the structure of silence. I never did anything like this before, and it was amazing. I feel like I just got to be on a real retreat with Byron Katie, otherwise prohibitive for me financially. Thanks for making this possible. Can’t wait until next year.” ~ Participant 2016

Next….your chance to REALLY DO The Work as a regular practice:

Summer Camp for The Mind!

I’m so excited people started signing up for Summer Camp before I even announced it this year.

Summer Camp for The Mind is a virtual group experience where people dial-in to the same conference line (audio only–you can be on your car or puttering around doing laundry if you’re in listen-only mode).

People volunteer to “go” and I give everyone turns who are interested in doing The Work with me out loud. Everyone listens as the volunteer does their work, doing THEIR own work through the listening. There’s some time for feedback and sharing and insight after every stressful thought questioned. Again, you can share, or listen-only.

This is a loose, simple format. Meaning, there are no requirements or expectations. Except to enter into self-inquiry and share the process with others. Show up when you want, leave when you need to.

It’s funny how people won’t even know one another, and may be from different continents, yet they meet, grow familiar with each other’s voices, and even stay in touch. Not long ago, someone shared with me they’ve been doing The Work with a Summer Camp for The Mind participant as a one-on-one facilitation partner since 2015 and not planning on stopping anytime soon.

Summer Camp for The Mind is also a very inexpensive way to jump in to a more organized scheduled intention doing The Work. The fee is sliding scale range ($150-$500 suggested) and we meet almost daily from July 12-August 18 with a 3 hour mini-retreat to kick off Summer Camp. There are TWO options for the kick-off mini retreat Opening Day to Summer Camp. The first is Weds morning 8-11 am Pacific Time July 5th, the second option is Thursday afternoon July 5th 5:30-8:30 pm PT. Choose one, and come along for learning, listening and doing The Work together.

When you sign up for Summer Camp, come to one session, or all of them. It’s up to you.

I also strongly encourage anyone who is interested in Year of Inquiry, (and I know there are many this year since it’s now worth multiple credits in the Institute for The Work), to sign up for Summer Camp. The whole current Year of Inquiry (YOI) group is included in Summer Camp as a part of their final two summer months of YOI.

These participants are courageous, smart, and experienced. They’ve been in Year of Inquiry since last September, and maybe longer if they’re a regular YOI participant (some repeat annually). What a treat to join with them, along with all the inquirers, sharing this profound time together, to get this work done.

Can’t wait for this summer inquiry jam to begin. For more information head over here.

“For thousands of years we’ve been told not to judge–but let’s face it, we do it all the time. We all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love.” ~ Byron Katie

But even if you never sign up for a paid program doing The Work of Byron Katie…you can “do” The Work even today, right now.

Start by writing down your stressful thoughts. Get them down in writing.

Now, they can’t slip away from you speedy fast. You wrote them. So you can inquire.

If you can inquire, you have access to freedom.

If you have access to internal freedom, you have the possibility of a new perspective…and joy.

“Something opens our wings. Something makes boredom and hurt disappear. Someone fills the cup in front of us: We taste only sacredness.” ~ Rumi

I know whomever shows up at Being With Byron Katie or Summer Camp for The Mind (or both) are just the right people.

Thank you for joining me.

Much love,

Grace

May 25, 2017

Quietly feeling annoyed….but unable to speak up?

It is truly incredible to me the power of some stories (especially one I’m going to mention today experienced by moi), and how deep they run and how intensely they stick.

Especially if they haven’t been seen in the light but stay down in the underworld, half hidden from consciousness.

Today I’m talkin’ about the Story of Nicey-Nice and it’s flip sided neighbor Argh-Aggressive.

What is up with that auto-pilot Be Nice and Seethe Inside thing?

Here’s what I mean by auto-pilot.

A few examples:

A) Person starts talking to me. They talk, talk and talk some more about their terrible aunt who is evil. It’s the fifth or tenth time I’ve heard about the aunt. The story is the same. I remain quiet, even though my stomach hurts. I do not say “you know, I’ve heard you speak about this so often, I don’t ever want to hear it again, you complaining ninny.”

B) Person asks if they can enroll in the program I’m teaching for free. I don’t let them know that it actually cost me, then, to have them in the program. I would be paying for them. I say yes, even though I don’t feel good or right about it.

C) Person sends me gifts in the mail, leaves presents for me in my car, drops items for me into my bag at work. I don’t say “what’s with the gift-giving slightly stalker weirdness, can you please stop?”

D) Person tells me I’m unfriendly because I don’t smile at her and say hello in the morning. I don’t want to, I just want to focus on the project I’m hired to work on. I don’t tell her “I won’t be doing that.” I say “hi” for awhile but then give up.

E) Person asks me if I want to go on a boat ride with him and his dog. That sounds horrible. I don’t say “no, I get seasick and I’m not that into pets”. I feel guilty for not being into pets. I don’t answer his emails.

F) Person starts showing me their photos of their vacation and turns out there are about 5000 of them. All landscapes. I don’t say “I’ve seen enough, thanks.” I keep looking and nodding but thinking when the hell will this be over.

G) Person asks me to teach them everything I know about marketing and promoting and growing my business over lunch. I think about the thousands of dollars I’ve invested in learning what I know for the past three years and how huge this request is. I say “sure, we can do that sometime” but I won’t ever do that.

You get the picture.

And then the worst situations for me when I’ve been Not Authentic, shall we say, have been with men on dates, in relationships, when sexual encounters were a possibility, or underway.

There’s a moment.

The feeling that I want to go more slowly, or stop, or that I don’t like something is clear.

But I never spoke up!

Some time ago, before the Sexuality teleclass began, I was reading over the curriculum (which is awesome, by the way). I loved zoning in on this way of being Nice Outside Annoyed Inside, and looking again carefully, without hacking myself to bits for having done it.

The way I used to be, I frequently said nothing in situations where I felt conflict or concern.

After doing The Work on a few of these more intense situations…

…I realized that I wanted the person who did something objectionable (in my opinion) to change so that I could be more comfortable.

Otherwise, I might have to speak up, tell the truth about myself in that moment. Horror of horrors.

The truth that was “I don’t like that! No thank you! Stop! Ewww! Really? I feel afraid, I’m angry, I’m nervous.”

I had great fear that if I did speak up, the person to whom I was speaking might feel hurt, and then hurt me back, and then I’d feel hurt.

So let’s question that thought today. The idea that it might be safer to keep quiet, or safer to speak up, and uncertainty about both.

Is that true that it’s safer to keep quiet? Or safer to speak up?

Rats. I don’t know. Wait. Yes. I actually do think something’s true. It feels safer to keep quiet. Yes. But I should speak up, dang it. Help! I don’t know!

How do you react when you believe NOT telling someone to stop, or that you don’t like what’s happening, is easier and safer?

How about when you believe it’s better to sock-it-to-em and tell it like it is?

I’m nervous, agonizing over right and wrong. I’m terrified.

Who would you be without the belief that speaking up is better…or keeping your opinion to yourself is safer? Without the belief that either one is right or wrong?

I’d relax and trust more. I wouldn’t be so suspicious of what’s going to happen in five minutes, or tomorrow.

Wow. There would be no future.

I’d say what I really think, with a sense of clarity, even love.

I wouldn’t believe I have to put up with things, allow things to happen without saying how I feel. I wouldn’t think I have to scream to be protected. I’d honor myself, as well as the other people. It would be exciting!

Turning the thought around: Telling the truth is safer.

It saves a whole lot of time.

I think of how many relationships dragged on and on in a certain unsatisfying way because I didn’t tell the truth. Like I was clinging to being likable, and avoiding hurt.

What if instead I stepped out on the ice and skated, being freely who I am, and THEN saw who showed up to play with me?

That sounds much more fun, much more real. It’s more solid, genuine, deep, kind, loving.

I’d notice how much I love honesty and clarity from others, whether they are more soft-spoken or direct. I notice how openness, calm, kindness and sharpness are all beautiful elements of great conversation.

And I love myself when I’m honest with ME, not trying to pretend I like stuff I don’t like. That’s the most important of all.

“To discover our autonomy is the most challenging thing a human being can do. Because in order to discover our autonomy, we must be free from all external control or influence. This means that we must free our mind from all that it has collected, all that it clings to, all that it depends on.” ~ Adyashanti

I find there is a place beyond all turnarounds, where there is no concern for safety, but no urgency….a sort of waiting, maybe a true silence, that is deeply genuine.

Real feelings coming up in the moment. Feelings that say “get away from me” or “be quiet” or “no I don’t buy you begging me to help you mediate your arguments with other people” or “slow down” or “I’m leaving” or “quit bossing me”.

But falling back, not being silent because you’re so terrified of being disliked or hateful, but instead relaxing with the sensations….this goes beyond all strategies for what-to-do next.

It’s like no strategy is necessary. There’s just the truth, awareness of what you’re feeling along with connection with the other, honest connection.

“Patience has a lot to do with getting smart at that point and just waiting: not speaking or doing anything. On the other hand, it also means being completely and totally honest with yourself about the fact that you’re furious. You’re not suppressing anything–patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself….This suggests the fearlessness that goes with patience. If you practice the kind of patience that leads to the de-escalation of aggression and the cessation of suffering, you will be cultivating enormous courage.” ~ Pema Chodron

There is no safer. It’s an illusion.

Just be you, without any requirement to fix, help, appease, diminish, change, switch, improve you or anyone else.

Now that’s a wonderful practice. We can call it Beyond Safety.

Beyond Nicey-Nice and Argh-Aggressive and all that flip-flopping.

I notice that in this realm, there is no forever suffering.

It’s only about being gentle, honest and kind with yourself. You.

Not worrying so much about hurting others (although you do care about them) but focusing on honestly being with you. Loving yourself. Not slapping away your fury or fear.

Taking your own hand, with such sweet tenderness. Telling the truth.

All you need to do is remember to be gentle and honest, with yourself. The rest will take care of itself.

Much love,

Grace

May 25, 2017

Remembering to welcome them all

A short one today.

As I travel, I’m so very aware that every hour, everything I see, every touch, every step, every person sharing with me, everyone who makes sound, every car going by, every doorway….

….are the most magnificent collection of life on earth.

Whether something brings a moment of joy, laughter, worry, irritation.

Magnificent.

Who would we be without our stressful stories, that some incidents and situations should be banished, and others should stick around longer?

Yes, who would we be.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

Much love,

Grace

May 25, 2017

Don’t go spouting out an answer…..sit there.

My mom on my left, announcing to all of us in the row on the plane: Do you want to see where we are?

She’s excitedly waving her cell phone.

My sister on my right: I keep telling you to TURN ON your airplane mode! You should NOT be able to tell us where we are!!

My mom: I didn’t turn it on this time! But the GPS dot is still glowing!

My sister: That’s impossible!

My mom: No it isn’t! I swear!

My sister: OK. Fine. Show me where we are on the map.

My mom: No. I’m not going to show you now!

My sister: I didn’t want to see it anyway!

Hilarious!

Don’t you love how adults can snip at each other just like age 11?

Everyone was laughing a moment later.

But it’s sort of endearing to notice, these moments happen. Communication snafu, a little sting, an irritation, a flame.

They happen at such a quick speed, it’s practically hard to even catch. You might say something you regret, or feel all riled up on the inside full of tension.

Family is especially great for this practice. You know what I’m talking about.

The best way I find to work with a dynamic where someone really bugs you, even if you adore and love them, is to first, hold very very still on the moment you felt the slap, or irritation, the sting, the offense.

What are your thoughts about that moment?

What do you want, what do you fear, what do you need that you think is missing?

Now….see if there was another similar moment like it in the past, maybe even the distant past.

The Original Offense.

I like investigating my fears that show up as little irritations by noticing how far back they go. I see the story and where it was born, where it came alive, and where I’ve then seen proof for this belief I had appear, perhaps again and again.

A moment like this for me: I’m in the passenger seat. My husband is driving. He turns a different way than I normally go, headed to the same destination.

I feel a blast of annoyance. “Why are you going this way? It’s longer, and less pleasant!”

Why on earth would I care about which way we’re going, if I’m not even driving the car, and I trust we are indeed headed where we both desire to go?

What do I want? No surprises. To relax. What do I fear? The route will take up my attention. We’ll be lost. I can’t concentrate on our conversation, or enjoying the ride. What do I need that I think is missing? A recognized pattern. My usual way. Not having to re-direct.

Do I remember an earlier situation where taking an unexpected turn wasn’t such a great outcome? A time I got lost?

I sit a moment to see if a memory appears.

And then….one does appear.

(I told you it doesn’t take long, if you sit still with it a moment).

It’s my mom and dad, up front in the car, dad driving, mom navigating–and THEY are arguing, and I’m worried about their argument.

I just want my dad to go the normal way, so my mom doesn’t get upset. Going alternative ways is obviously worthy of upseted-ness. My proof is my mom’s response to him.

And now, I can question it all. My dad was lost, is it true? My mom was frightened, is it true? My mom shouldn’t have been angry, is it true? They should never bicker, is that true?

Who would I be now, without that story appearing before my eyes?

Laughing at the hilarity of it all. Noticing the similarity in the moment sitting between two wonderful people I adore (sister, mother) and having no issue with them being pissy with each other.

In fact, it’s rather entertaining.

Another case closed.

“Don’t try to change the dream, because trying to change it is just another movement in the dream. Look at the dream. Be aware of the dream. That awareness is It. Become more interested in the awareness of the dream than in the dream itself. What is that awareness? Who is that awareness? Don’t go spouting out an answer, just be the answer. Be It.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

May 25, 2017

Don’t make lists or be careful…the golden plant is here shooting out of your eyes

I wrote part of this below a year ago. How perfect, given I’m traveling now….and wondering what each day will be like, and where we’ll be sleeping:

It’s funny how sometimes the mind will activate and start flashing pictures before your eyes of why NOT to do something new, go someplace different, travel, explore, move, change, see something unusual.

Even if staying home is boring, same same, too comfortable, unfulfilling, or maybe fraught with abrasive family relationships that aren’t that fun.

Better stay in the familiar.

It could be worse.

It’s like the mind, or that way of thinking, is peppered or infused with what I like to call “careful” syndrome.

Be careful. Life is tricky. Anything could happen. Watch out. Don’t be reckless. Don’t go overboard. Don’t try it. Do not jump. Don’t make that move. You’ll regret it.

I said be careful!!

But are you sure you need to be careful? Is this actually true? Are you positive this carefulness is required, or the best approach to life? Or the least dangerous?

No.

How do you react when you think you should be careful?

I stay home. I work a lot. I keep busy in a weird kind of way that prevents silent time and opening up to deeper thinking. I skip meditating. I push towards some of the same goals. I don’t have conversations that might be important to have….uncomfortable ones. I don’t bring up things I feel anxious to speak about. I don’t make changes. I don’t try anything truly different. I don’t travel, physically, or internally.

Who would you be without this story of You Needing To Be Careful?

The strangeness of being without this thought suddenly comes forward. I notice how much care and effort I’ve made in my life to be cautious, tentative, not plunge in, wait, hesitate, decide against something.

What if I didn’t think my children should be careful? What if carefulness wasn’t required? What if taking care, in this anxious way, didn’t prevent “bad” things from happening? What if everything happened, whether I was taking care, or not?

What if it truly was not necessary whatsoever, or even possible, to Be Careful?

Gulp.

Mind blown.

Turning the belief around:

I do not have to be careful. There is no worse way for it to be. It’s THIS way, the way it is. Change could even offer something interesting. Staying the same, and relaxing with it, could also offer something interesting.

My thinking and the story my thoughts invent make things worse. I scare myself with my imagination. (Ha ha, isn’t that the truth)?

And what if I lived this turnaround, that things might be better, or unknown and mysterious (yay)?

What if I could sense in my bones the feeling of looking forward to anything that happens?

Yes, anything.

No resistance. No bracing myself for the blow, or being exceptionally careful so it doesn’t hurt so bad, or blocking and avoiding so I don’t get over-stimulated or exhausted. No walking on eggshells. No holding back.

It doesn’t mean, oh no….I’m now going to hurt myself or other people. It’s not swinging to the complete opposite “I’ll be CARELESS!” like now I’ll try to jump off the roof because dang-it I want to see what it’s like to fly for two seconds!

It’s not running wildly through a china shop knocking over everything, or doing this to the inside of my psyche and my inner world and freaking myself out.

But it is expanding my world into far more possibilities.

It feels, when I live the turnaround and feel the turnaround “I do not HAVE TO be careful” like I trust something about reality.

I’m here, willing to be here, looking forward to being here until I’m not.

This feels deeply joyful. It feels like a place beyond this mental outlook or worrying story. It feels full of wonder.

Wonder, and awe, and many adventures and travels.

Don’t Make Lists by Dorothy Walters

Every day a new flower rises

from your body’s fresh soil.

Don’t go around looking

for fallen petals

in a fairy tale, when you’ve

got the golden plant

right here, now,

shooting forth in light from your eyes,

your awakening crown.

Don’t make lists, or explore ancient accounts.

Forget everything you know

and open.

Are you ready for an adventure of the inner AND outer kind?

There is such an adventure for those who are called, at Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort and Conference Center in eastern Oregon deep in the old growth forest.

It’s a stunning physical setting, and your physical body is well nourished and cared for with silent bathing pools to use (outside of our retreat sessions), delicious vegetarian home-cooked meals full of vegetables and fruits, and the air filled with emerald green ancient trees.

The beds are all exquisite (I stay right there every year and sleep so well, it’s amazing). The night is so silent and dark, it’s a drastic comparison to city and town life. No cell service, no internet.

And on the inside, we investigate with mind, heart and soul. We start with The Work on an important and difficult issue in our lives, someone we’re at odds with, something we find disturbing.

We get to spend time with our perspective and take it through this most powerful form of self-inquiry. We get to wonder about new ways to see, like not being so careful, not feeling stuck or squished in our lives.

Breitenbush Summer Retreat is less than a month away. There are only a few spaces left, and a few of those delicious beds. Call them to register today, before they open up the beds to the general public. Click here: Breitenbush for all the information you need to call them, and find many questions answered.

At Breitenbush, we do The Work, take silent breaks, eat (sometimes in silence) together, share facilitation with others, share in our group, walk through lush, soft green trails of gigantic trees and wild purple rhododendrons, schedule a massage, soak in the springs, dance on Saturday night in the great lodge hall, and expand our vision, together.

And, there’s a very special Sunday morning labyrinth walk with The Work.

We nurture ourselves by being with ourselves directly. Not carelessly, not fearfully with the kind of care that makes us small….

….but with curiosity, and an opening mind.

Won’t you come join us forgetting what you know to be true that brings you sadness, confusion, irritation and suffering?

Beginners to The Work are totally welcome. Experienced are also very welcome. A beautiful collection of people always arrive. Ready to explore the inner and the outer by stepping away from normal life for 5 days.

Not much time left, if you call very soon you’ll still have some excellent lodging choices…..and some excellent new turnaround choices for your life.

“Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Love to see you at Breitenbush where everything is completely handled by Not Me. What an incredible time to be in the company of others in support of questioning your thoughts, and changing your perceptions of reality. Declare Peace. Join us!

To Comment on this Grace Note, click HERE. I love hearing from you and read every single one.

May 24, 2017

Does something need to get done, to be happy? Shape it and step out of the way….

As I got my suitcase from storage for a special trip tomorrow with my mom and 2 of my sisters, I noticed my mind jump around to many different images and pictures of airports, early morning, trains, new places, the unknown.

Then I read a text on my phone letting me know my favorite house I rent for many retreats is going away. No longer available to rent!

I suddenly become obsessed with finding a new place to hold October retreat, as I see the cancellation come through and a full refund. I look online, in between every client I meet with, all day.

(Don’t worry, by the way, those of you coming to the silent Being With Byron Katie retreat in July–that’s already a different house on Capitol Hill near Roanoke Park, it will be an awesome location and it’s all set).

I have to have this handled before I leave in the morning! Reservations! Must find! Now!

Have to.

Must.

Can’t rest without having it done.

LOL.

I notice I get laundry started, but I hardly work on anything else when I have breaks. I don’t continue to pack or prepare, or write my latest update for the upcoming Breitenbush retreat that’s nearing capacity.

How funny when the mind crunches down on a task, like a dog biting on a bone, and can’t stop.

It’s not like I couldn’t take care of it later, or even think about it or look into it while I’m on my trip.

What’s the worst that could happen? This is for October…that’s 5 months away!

I have this idea that I need to be task-free on this special long-awaited adventure. My family is going to see how much I think about working, writing, organizing, preparing. I won’t be able to fully relax. I don’t want to have this hanging over my head while vacationing with them.

Heh heh.

But is it true I need to get this thing taken care of TODAY?

Do you ever think something must happen NOW, the way you picture it in your mind, with no hitches or surprises or difficulties?

Is it really true, I have to take care of it? It has to get done? On my time line? Fast?

Sigh. No.

How do I react when I have the very tight, intense feeling it has to happen NOW?

I skip doing other things. I cut my gym visit short because….must get it done (as if 15 extra minutes would mean The Answer has a better chance of arriving). I avoid actually putting the clothing into the suitcase, taking library books back. I wait to leave for the store to get new un-torn sweatpants and hair conditioner that would be especially nice to have on the trip.

I’m weirdly nervous.

If that thing were handled, THEN I’d be relaxed and happy. This reaction to the need for something to be completed, handled or done can happen with all kinds of deadlines, and much larger scale projects for people.

No true rest until LATER….when it’s DONE.

Who would you be without this thought, though? Because it is pretty stressful to create so much pressure and narrow focus on this one thing, right?

Who would you be without this story, about anything in need of getting done?

I’d lie down on my bed, nice and comfy, with half-strewn clothing and partially dried things hanging on the doors, suitcase open but empty and stuff spread all over….and I begin to write this Grace Note.

Settling down.

Softer.

Kinder.

Noticing a deep and great excitement about this traveling adventure, so unusual with my sisters and mom. Thrilling.

Noticing the sounds outside of birds, the fresh air entering through the cracked open window, hearing the wind chimes.

If I go offline a bit and am absorbed by the new and unusual world around me while traveling, I won’t lose my mind or lose my awareness. I will check emails, I will take you all with me, I will be practicing The Work, I’ll be back well before Breitenbush happens June 21st.

Funny how a change in the routine can create this orientation.

But without the thought, life unfolds as it does, there is a calm even with planning, and nothing is fundamentally required.

Turning the thought around: Finding a new retreat house for October near my home is NOT necessary today (although it may happen–I just received a reply of YES to a great looking spot and my questions).

But there’s no urgency. No need to fret. It doesn’t have to happen.

How do I know? I’m breathing, relaxing, pausing, and all is very well indeed. It’s almost absurd to think something needs to be handled NOW, before it is. What’s the reality? A change in plans. Halleluia. It could be wonderful, not an emergency.

Wow, could this apply to everything?

Waiting in lines, needing to get a taxi or a bus, making any kind of reservations, finding a bathroom when you need it, needing to ask for directions, paying bills, getting a job, needing money, wanting someone to respond?

What if absolutely anything does not require nerves, stress, or suffering as you make the movements towards getting done whatever you notice needs to be done?

Another Turnaround: the retreat house needs to find me. Oooh, how fun is that? I put the word out (so fun) and wait. And keep going, if that’s what happens.

That thing needs to handle me. That incident, condition, need, want, desire, demand….needs to come to me, not the other way around. What a beautiful feeling of surrender, and gentleness.

Another Turnaround: I need to handle myself or my thinking, to get my thinking “done”, to find my own retreat home in the middle of anywhere I am.

Yes.

Ahhhhh.

And this breaking news just in: gorgeous manor so near my own little cottage it’s walking distance away (!) has just been discovered, and reserved for Annual Fall Retreat October 19-22 (arrive Oct 18 for those sleeping there). As the calendar moves, we’ll get to discover what really happens!

Now I can pack.

“The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come. She steps out of the way and lets the Tao speak for itself.” ~ Tao Te Ching #45

Much love,

Grace

May 22, 2017

You do not have to be good…FB live today on doing TW on yourself

Today I’ll do another Facebook live! I know, I know, I thought I’d be doing these on Thursdays, but there is no schedule, apparently.

But at least I’ve given a little warning. I’ll hit the GO button at 1:00 pm Pacific Time Tuesday May 23rd. Join me!

If you haven’t been to my facebook page before, it’s Work With Grace: Byron Katie Coach and it’s the coolest thing to be able to be there and connect with you LIVE. I get to see your questions and comments on the spot.

Here’s the topic: Doing The Work of Byron Katie on fearing you are not attractive enough, kind enough, good enough.

So many people shared that this was one of their top ten thoughts when I asked, I was surprised…and then not really. I’ve been there myself.

It’s incredibly stressful, and incredibly common, to think thoughts like “I’m ugly” or “I’m an idiot” or “I’m not x enough (good enough, awake enough, patient enough)”.

Often, we’re advised NOT to do The Work on ourselves. There are very good reasons for this.

Think about it.

You are using your own mind, the same one that came up with the thought “I’m ugly” (not exactly kind) to then honestly and neutrally question this belief.

Maybe you have a belief that if you do The Work on this mean thought, you’ll improve, or turn out a little less ugly.

It’s very hard to drill down deep enough to even wonder….where did I get this idea? How could I know this is true? Why would I repeat this thought ad nauseum for most of my life?

The idea is….if I could just fix myself, I’d be happy. I’d have more fun, be a better person, help others, stop freaking out.

It’s really hard to give up the conviction that indeed, you are ugly or maladjusted, or something’s gone wrong with you.

We’ll think if we didn’t have this thought, we would either A) not be protected, safe, careful, or B) be made fun of by the entire kingdom, or C) be too bold.

But who would you be without this dreadful story “I am ugly, I did it wrong, I should be ashamed, I’m not good enough, I’m an idiot….”?

Who would you actually be? What would you be?

Can you feel it?

Maybe it’s inexplicable. Something in here observes, watches, without malice or judgment. Something in here realizes, I have no idea what I actually am. I can’t even see myself clearly–certainly not physically! How would I ever be able to see ugliness or idiocy or not-good-enough-ness? It’s practically impossible to be sure.

(Unless I’m playing God, ahem).

Turning it around: I am beautiful, I am bright, I am energy, I am good enough, I am good, I am loving, I am I-Don’t-Know (in a good way), I am.

I am.

Is this not just as true, or truer?

What if this way you are is just….the way you are? And there’s no need or urgency for improvement.

Wow. Now that’s a wild, exciting, natural, thrilling thought. It’s a wonderful, thrilling feeling. Being this. Not even knowing what it is. Letting it be, without a need to change one drop.

It’s called Unconditional Love. Could this be what we are already, without a thought that we need to improve? How about even WITH the thought we need to improve!

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves….”

~ Mary Oliver from Wild Geese

If you’ve had a little troubling doing The Work regularly I rewrote a simple guide for those of us having trouble with our self-inquiry. Maybe you haven’t felt much relief or joy through inquiry, perhaps you feel burdened by the weight of your beliefs which may have begun centuries before you were born. Maybe you constantly revert to criticism of yourself in an effort to improve life.

If so, you can find this eguide here. Please share it with others, if you think they’d benefit. I’d appreciate your feedback on what’s helpful and where you have questions, too.

Much love,

Grace

May 21, 2017

All this “work” is too much work

Still 6 spots for Breitenbush Retreat in luscious Oregon June 21-25 where you truly, deeply unplug and cleanse. Cleanse physically with spectacular vegetarian organic meals, dark quiet nights of rest, the old growth forest air, mineral springs for soaking.

And…the mental cleansing: The Work of Byron Katie. Question your thinking, declare peace. To read about it visit here. A brilliant opening to summer.

Following on the heals of Breitenbush…the northwest gathering of Being With Byron Katie July 8-11. This is a beautiful “silent” retreat with live video streamed sessions of Katie as she works with a live audience all the way from Switzerland (technically time delayed for us by 9 hours). We are silent in between all viewing sessions.

I’ve rented a house on Capitol Hill with four bedrooms for those who need/want to stay overnight. All those attending, including commuters, will share the house and lovely kitchen and gathering room during the day in complete silence.

The neighborhood is exquisite old Seattle Roanoke Park, lovely for walks and reflection in between sessions with Katie. For information about the schedule and reserving a room (fees have been updated to pass savings on to all participants for overnight stays) please visit HERE. A very sacred time, and incredibly inexpensive for being with Byron Katie. (24 credits for ITW candidates). Another certified facilitator who is attending also has space to sleep in her home for a very modest fee, just ask.

**********************

It’s funny that the way this whole doing-the-work thing has unrolled for me is summer is the biggest season of doing The Work actively, with others. Retreats, Summer Camp for The Mind telesessions, preparing for Year of Inquiry in September.

I didn’t plan it that way.

Summer is supposed to be the time-off and vacation season, right?

School’s out for kids, it’s always a lighter quarter for universities, people go camping. It’s simply easier to be outdoors, the sun stays up longer, the doors are open, at least in my area of the world.

An idea floated across this mind here that I should have mapped this schedule out so I could indeed have more “time off” in the summer. Haha, as if I could have planned or mapped out any of it.

Honestly…I could hardly believe for a moment it was true.

The best time off I’ve ever been granted, is from the results of The Work.

Which means, you actually have to work, first. You don’t know for how long, how often, what topics (although it becomes more and more clear) and what you’ll bump into along the way.

But it will be “work”. And it’s an inside job, with help from friends and guides and reality along the way.

If you look up the definition of “work” in the dictionary, most people might think….how can I do as little of this as possible?

Work = labor, slog, drudgery, exertion, effort, toil, service, function, operate, run.

There’s an idea about the all-summer-all-the-time place that if only I could get there in my mind, all would be extremely well.

Do I really have to work to get there? But it’s so HARD!

But you can question the flickers of what you imagine would be better than here, now.

I want the easy way
I want this to work, immediately (yesterday)
I can’t do it
I’ll never stop suffering
I can’t get there fast enough
it’s too hard

Can you absolutely know there’s another easier option? Or that it shouldn’t be hard?

The other day I was talking with a friend about money. He said he would be so thrilled to win the lottery and then he’d do x, y, z (he had an amazing list, including opening an orphanage).

Funny how we always want a big splash KABOOM change, insight, acknowledgement, break, gift. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of these (they are of course awesome).

But how do I know I’m not supposed to have it? I don’t have it.

How do I react when I believe my own “work” should be different, or go faster, or not be so hard, or bring revelations and summer-mind NOW?

Frustrated, confused, resentful, irritated, even sad. Unwilling to sit down with pen and paper and keep looking at one issue or situation I’ve felt hurt by. Mad at the way things are set up here in this world. Why do I have to suffer? I don’t WANT to do any work! Jeez!

Who would I be without this thought that I don’t want to work, roll up my sleeves, sit down with pen, paper and a friend if I need it, hold still, wait for answers? Who would I be without the belief I can’t do this work, and that it takes the time it takes…and that it’s not always easy?

Oh. Huh.

You mean this is not up to me? I can’t force anything along? Or give up in frustration? Or fight? Or Not Play at all?

Wow.

Awareness, peace, quiet, freedom….it’s just sitting here, and I can notice it along the way, along the path of “work”.

I also notice there’s no other option. As Byron Katie says “you either believe your thoughts, or you question them.” I notice there is no third option not to have the thoughts at all. I keep finding this to be true.

Turning the thought around: I DO have to work to get there, and it’s good, even awesome, that I have to show up and participate. Yes.

I want the hard way, I want whatever way it is
I want this to work at exactly the time it works, no sooner, no later….just right for my own enlightenment
I can do it
I’ll always stop suffering
I can’t get there slow enough
it’s too easy

Holy moly, every one of these turnarounds is just as true, and even break-out-laughing funny.

I notice when something is really amazing and big and takes energy and focus, it’s incredibly rewarding and satisfying. I feel “in” it, involved, helping to create, a part of the great whole.

I notice when I sit down and do The Work, slowly, and connect with myself (and with another person always helps me personally) I always come out with some insight or greater clarity, and my suffering or repetitive thinking always diminishes.

I’ve experienced a deep slowness on one person, one incident, has brought magnificent lightness.

I used to think all the time, when I first encountered The Work “it can’t be this simple” and my attitude was always that something’s missing, I can’t, I don’t know, I’m not enough. It’s never been true every time I sit down and actually DO The Work.

Finally, I really do want this to come at the time that’s just right for me. When I first went to the School for The Work, I was so discombobulated and shaken, I was giddy with energy. I slept 4 hours a night. I went from terrified to thrilled. I didn’t feel that peaceful, let’s put it that way.

I had no idea where my life was going, but I knew everything from then on would be entirely and completely different. It has been.

I now notice that the wild ride has never been quite so wild and crazy again. Something began to settle down, rest, sleep well and longer. I didn’t want to completely “lose” my mind…I wanted it to go slowly, steadily, in a simple healing way.

I am so grateful I have not been on a roller coaster ride of mind-blowing insights. When something disturbs me, I look. It takes the perfect amount of time it takes. No sooner, no quicker.

Good that it’s slow, when it is. I can trust Reality to be supporting me with just what I can handle, even when I think I can’t handle it. Sometimes, there is fear rising up, and heart beating, and then I know to sit and wonder about it all….followed by action.

Do The Work internally with my thinking, do the work physically with the body, with my voice, however it shows up.

I am definitely not in charge.

“The darkness, the void, the space that the mind is terrified to enter, is the beginning of all life. It’s the womb of being. Fall in love with it, and when you do, it will immediately be taken from you, as you witness the birth of light. The Tao doesn’t take sides. It embraces both the darkness and the light. They’re equal….How do you know you’re supposed to be in pain? Because that’s what’s happening. To live without a stressful story, to be a lover of what is, even in pain–that’s heaven.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you’d like to join me in some beautiful, and perhaps astonishing “work” this summer….I can’t wait.

Even those of you very far away, we’ve got Summer Camp for The Mind coming for daily telesessions (come to one, or all) for 7 weeks, by donation.

Thank you for being with me here in The Work of Byron Katie, no matter what style it takes, or what shape it forms. I am so grateful to have you on this journey of working, movement, action, sharing, and transformation.

Much love,

Grace