Grace, Author at Question with Grace

June 26, 2017

It shouldn’t have happened. Seriously. I was soooo overheated.

As always, being at Breitenbush annually in the height of the bright summer days is not only the sweetest fresh air, gorgeous giant pines, flowers, babbling river, cozy cabins, and a true complete break from regular daily life….

….but also a time of such joy and gratitude as I sit with people who have never done The Work, along with quite a few who have, and hear the insights pop throughout the room.

The more time in the work, as we spend our hours together, the deeper the insights seem to move.

It occurred to me once again, that one profoundly painful ghostly underlying belief appears in almost everyone’s Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, including my own…even if we haven’t written it down.

This one belief appears in every objection we’ve ever had. Whether we almost died in a car accident, a true love left us, or someone was rude.

It shouldn’t have happened that way.

When anyone writes a JYN, we’re remembering a painful moment in the past, or imagining being in a painful moment in the future.

I’m hurting. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m worried about the way it went, and worried it will happen again.

Actions, ideas, ways to solve the problem spring out of this deeply painful thought that I believe it shouldn’t have happened….

….whether the thought is about death, sickness or shock….

….or the annoying long-term partner who won’t stop that irritating behavior….

….it simply would be better if it hadn’t happened.

Let’s do The Work together today: Find an incident you believe shouldn’t have happened. Just one. That’s the simplicity of The Work. You don’t have to question everything you’ve ever thought shouldn’t have happened.

Just that first one that came to mind just now.

Picture that person, being like that. Or that event you’d rather not think about too often.

I picture immediately someone I knew. The way she swore really scared me. She seemed so mean, I wanted to hide under the bed because of her critical and bossy manner.

So is it true it shouldn’t have happened? Is it true she shouldn’t have acted like that, used those words, been so cruel and angry?

Yes!

It was so frightening! I can’t handle it! (Wave arms around, tell the whole story, express how awful it was–at least this was my first answer to the question “is it true?”)

Now, I’m not suggesting it’s not incredibly powerful to share what you experienced, in order to understand it or receive help and support in exploring what happened. Many people have benefitted profoundly through a therapeutic meeting one-to-one where one important facet of the meeting is to tell the story of what happened clearly, openly.

It can be especially meaningful if the person telling the story has never shared it before. Secrets don’t fester and grow when they are shared. Secrets can be revealed, and come out of the darkness when they are spoken.

But to take it to the next step….to look with open eyes, with questions, finding your own answers….this is The Work.

So is it absolutely, 100% true for all time, with no shadow of a doubt that the person in question, the incident that went down, shouldn’t have happened?

Hmmm.

I can’t know it for sure. Not in the situation I’m remembering. And do I actually have all the data? Could that even be possible? Do I know what the final outcome will be, or what it created or offered me that it went that way? Could I know that I wouldn’t mess up some weird piece of the puzzle if I took out that incident or that person entirely from my life? And can I simply notice, it was painful, and now it’s over?

I can’t know it shouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t mean I have to like that it did.

How do I react when I believe something shouldn’t have happened?

I crunch up inside against the memory. I try to think about other things. I say positive affirmations. I chant and work on myself to “get over” that person. I get super grumpy. I say “screw them!” even though I haven’t seen them in ten years (LOL). I blame that person for ruining my life, or trying to.

Sunday, on my way home from Breitenbush, it was 98 degrees Fahrenheit outside. Very unusually hot. I have no air conditioner in my car, and it never occurs to me to need it because I live in a cool climate (once a year, it wafts through my mind and then I forget about it all over again).

I was melting.

I drove by a large car sales lot about four hours from my home, and the thought entered my mind I could get off the freeway and buy a car with air conditioning RIGHT NOW. My mind was so speedy quick, I already had pictures of that plan not working because I would need to leave my car there, unload all the luggage, including boxes of retreat-facilitating materials, and put everything in my new car, and then I’d have to come back and get the old one and drive four whole hours AGAIN just to retrieve it. A whole future image, all thought up, in about 2 seconds. Bam.

Mind dishing up solutions to the problem, speedy quick. Brilliant, busy mind. When it thinks something is true, it will really try to go for EVERY possible solution.

Trouble is, it hurts if a) none of the solutions really solve the problem and b) you can only be happy if the problem is solved.

Even if a solution CAN solve the problem, you aren’t happy until you execute the solution. Which leaves “unhappy” time as required while you wait.

But who would you be without the thought “this shouldn’t be happening” or “it shouldn’t ever have happened”?

Who would you be without the belief she shouldn’t have been that way? He shouldn’t have said that? It shouldn’t have occurred? It shouldn’t be this freakin’ hot?

Sometimes, where there’s a particularly painful event, or personality you’ve had to deal with….

….you just stare at it blankly for a minute, when you consider that fourth question.

Let yourself take it slowly.

What would it be like, without that thought?

I notice first, I’m coming back into this present moment. I’m here now, listening to trucks and men’s happy shouting voices outside since a neighbor is building a new house. Noticing the overcast sky, and the cool breeze of today. Not overheated in the body.

Noticing the mind was OK all along, whether the car was a baking sauna yesterday, or not.

Without the belief it shouldn’t have happened, I feel more relaxed somehow. Not so tight and restricted and focused on solving that problem. Not obsessed with What Was.

Without the belief, I don’t feel condemning, of either that other person or of myself. I’m more in a Don’t Know place. Feeling the quiet of this moment, here, now.

Without the belief “it shouldn’t have happened” I notice the sadness of things like that happening sometimes in this world without the heaviness, with compassion for us all.

Turning this underlying belief around: it should have happened.

This is not about finding examples of how it should have happened because you deserved it, or someone else did, with all the pain and agony that involves. This is about seeing how it should have happened, because it did.

And did anything at all come of it, that you found helpful….even the tiniest thing?

That hot melting physically uncomfortable ride should have happened, because it made me think again about finding an electric air-conditioned car, that suits my support of lowering the environmental impact of my driving. It made me take it so seriously, I believe I may be researching this soon.

That person should have acted that way, because it showed me how not to act. It showed me who to move away from and how to say “no” in a clear way. It showed me what I’ve been afraid of, that may not be so scary after all (she’s just a human being, with a lot of fearful thoughts actually). It showed me where I assumed I was unworthy, and invited me to question this form of suffering instead of believing it.

That should have happened, because I am a human being living in the same conditions of temporary life on planet earth as any other human being. It should have happened because it affected my life so deeply, it’s a part of my spiritual path and growth to make peace with it. Otherwise, I’d probably be watching TV.

How amazing to discover reasons that are honest, genuine reasons I actually believe for why it should have happened.

Can you find them, for your situation?

“Any time you argue with what was, what is, or what will be, you limit your ability to experience the vastness of who you are. There’s no way around it. It doesn’t matter what happened, or how cruel someone was, or how unfair something was. It may have been all of those things, and the pain may be very deep and real, but when we have a mental resistance, when we say something should or should not have happened, we’re arguing with what did happen or what is happening. When we argue with life, we lose every single time–and suffering wins.” ~ Adyashanti from Falling Into Grace

I see the present moment as sometimes including my thoughts about a past moment I objected to. If I say “yes” to that moment, including the thoughts of the past….it’s called The Work.

Loving what is….including my belief “it shouldn’t have happened”.

What a sweet belief, that resisted What Is, that the mind thought would help me survive, and not feel pain.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking shouldn’t have happened…instead of the event, person, condition, or incident.

Yes, that thinking was very fretful, full of boiling anxiety, resentment, rage, despair. So focused on how “it” shouldn’t have happened.

The thing, person, event, incident, situation actually ended, or moved forward, or morphed and changed, or grew into something different. It’s over. My thinking is the thing that continued and ruminated or obsessed or re-considered it over and over again.

And, I love how my thinking also moves me into noticing how the way I see it is not true, how it can answer the simple questions, how it can ponder and relax….and end the repetitive suffering.

I love how my thinking can journey into new answers, new possibilities, variety, gathering ideas, joy in the midst of sorrow, humor.

All as a result of the little question “can you absolutely know it’s true that it shouldn’t have happened?”

Turns out, it happened, but I don’t have to suffer over it.

This is true for cars without air conditioning in very hot weather, or your dear friend getting cancer, or parents being abusive, or your partner leaving you, or the kitchen drawer getting stuck every time you try to open it.

Who are you right now, without your story?

Accepting what is. Broken drawer, partner not in the room, mean parents, very ill friend, hot.

Noticing what happens next, with complete acceptance of what is.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two events happening soon, that support your inquiry:

1) Being With Byron Katie Joining in live event happening in Switzerland via streaming video all the way to Seattle. Four bedrooms for those who want to sleep overnight. We’ll participate right alongside the folks who are in Switzerland with Katie.

2) Sliding Scale pay what you can. Summer Camp For The Mind begins July 5 – August 18.

June 23, 2017

Eating Peace: Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Ugh.

Look at that cellulite and shaking, saggy skin on the legs.

It looks terrible!

Thoughts like this are so common, they’re like rain squalls, and everyone’s got them in some form or another.

Self-criticism, the perspective that something’s ugly or unacceptable.

But as you look in the mirror, have you ever remembered or wondered about the mirror itself….

….rather than focusing entirely on what’s reflecting inside the mirror?

Today I do a little show-and-tell with my mirror my parents gave me after I went through treatment for my eating disorder and met many professionals who were trying to help.

I wasn’t completely over my obsessive thinking, I wasn’t over self-criticism, I wasn’t entirely over believing that what I saw in the mirror was something to be concerned with….

….but it slowly dissolved over time. And it began to diminish very quickly, the more I applied The Work of Byron Katie to my stressful thinking.

Take a look and see what I want t show you about mirrors.

Who would you be without believing what you see?

June 21, 2017

I’ve Been Left

He left me.

She left me.

They left me.

The suffering as a result of this belief is enormous.

People holding this thought in their experience of a relationship feel devastated, sometimes suicidal….and then on top of the dark feelings of abandonment, they criticize themselves for being losers and caring so much.

But let’s take a look at this thought, that can seem like a fact to some who think of it as true-true-true, and question it with The Work.

That person left you…Is it true?

Yes! They packed up their stuff and walked out the door. I don’t see them in this house anymore. Gone. It’s been 7 hours and 13 days since you took your love away.

Or fifteen years.

After we think “is is true?” instead of pausing with our answer, we might have images of that person blossoming before us, wondering about them, replaying the scenes that were so torturous in the past. We might explain to a listener all about the entire story of what happened. We might see them driving away on their motorcycle while running down the street behind them, and they never looked back.

People share with me the details of what’s happening in the lives of their “ex” partners. Marrying again. Non-communicative. Or maybe occasionally pinging them on facebook with an update.

But first, can I just answer that question…is it true they left?

Yes. Didn’t I just say how many days and hours it’s been?

Can you absolutely know it’s true they left?

Because I couldn’t know it was absolutely for-all-time true.

They were in my head daily, sometimes hourly. Every time I went past that one coffee house, I thought of them. Every time I heard that song, I felt melancholy.

There was a physical leaving, but not in any way was there an emotional or mental “leaving”. And I would also imagine getting back together in the future, which was always possible, right? I couldn’t know it was absolutely fundamentally true that this person left me forever.

Plus, and this is critically important to note, they didn’t die, they didn’t vanish off the face of the earth, and there were so many conversations and connections and bumps and difficulties between us, can you really know for absolute certain that person left YOU, like it was all about YOU?

No. I personally can’t at all. They had their own stuff going on that made a move important in their life. But if you answer “yes, it’s absolutely true” that’s perfectly OK and not the wrong answer.

How do you react when you think the thought “that person left me”?

Gut-wrenching sadness, or furious rage. They were wrong, wrong, wrong. I treated my daily life like a burden to “get through” and the new people I met like people to be suspicious of. I didn’t go out much.

So who would you be without your belief that you were left? Like, it was personal?

This is not airy fairy sweet gooey positive thinking fake sugar.

This is real use of the creative brilliance of mind and it’s imagination. The mind forgot the other side in this duality of every coin having an opposite. It focused on fear, lack, hurt, pain, and zero possibilities of a happy future.

Thank you mind for trying to keep me safe and sound, and unhurt. But you’re a bit limited, my friend, you say to your mind.

Because without the belief someone left me….I’m suddenly looking around my environment, my day, my quiet house….and noticing the peace of silence.

I’m aware of all the moments when I was supposedly “married” that I spent going to work alone, driving my own personal car all by myself, at the grocery store by myself, talking to a friend on the phone, sweeping the floor in my living room with children playing around me, thinking in my own head.

Did someone “leave” me at all those moments?

Yes, there was no body in the room sometimes. And it wouldn’t have occurred to me to be upset if my husband went to the garage to work on a project. In fact, I’d be a bit of a nut case if I started thinking “he’s leaving me” every time he called out “goodbye!” as he went to work in the morning.

Yikes.

All that meaning we place on relationships and what he or she is supposed to be doing that equals “I am loved” and all the meaning placed on a relationship that means “I am secure” or “I am NOT secure.”

When there are never any guarantees, ever. Someone could die, so could you (everyone will).

Leaving is the way of it, in fact.

Coming together, leaving, coming together, leaving. Nothing written on a piece of paper says anything firm and final about this leaving or staying. Marriage. Divorce. Break-ups. Falling in Love. Commitment. Separation.

Without the belief I am left, I simply notice the tide goes in and out. And I don’t get very upset about it.

Without the belief that I was left, I begin to see benefits for it going the way it’s going.

Let’s go there. The ultimate turnaround. Life dishing up something FOR me, not something happening that hurts me.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

For me, I noticed how much I loved the quiet. I could read anything I wanted all day long on the weekend. It was like a miracle to have nothing on my schedule. I meditated for hours. I walked through my neighborhood with Deva Premal playing over and over on my headphones. I noticed houses I had never seen before. I found little trails I hadn’t noticed. I came across a wild plum tree in nobody’s yard underneath the power lines, loaded with plums, and came back the next day with a bag.

I thought about relationships during that “I-was-left” time. I noticed how many exceptionally crazy beliefs I had about them that were considered normal in society. Here’s what “this” means. Here’s what “that” means.

I saw I couldn’t know.

I started hanging out with friends I had known since high school, but hadn’t really seen or spent time with in fifteen years. I signed up for a Qigong class. I started being curious about things I hadn’t pursued. I explored dance classes, and found one I loved.

Turning the thought around every way:

I left him
I left myself
He did not leave me

Can you find examples of how these are true? Spend time on each one, finding three examples for every turnaround.

I left him internally during our life together a thousand trillion times when I looked over at him and thought critically he wasn’t good enough, he didn’t do the lawn mowing right, he bought the wrong thing at the store, he wasn’t giving me enough affection, he worried too much about money.

I left myself by thinking I wasn’t a good companion, like I needed someone else around to make me happy. I didn’t appreciate my own mind, my thoughts, my desires. I suppressed myself. I didn’t share the truth. I felt inadequate. I ripped myself to shreds internally. I didn’t feel worthy of love. When we first met, I still obsessed about food a lot. I pushed myself really hard. I felt bad about my own abilities with money, before he ever joined in on the money show. I had images come to mind about my difficult, lonely future. I feared myself worthy of being left.

He didn’t leave me. Nope. In the mind constantly. Wondering what he was up to. Worrying about myself in the future, all alone. Feeling unforgiving. Like this his actions and behaviors are all about me, when they really have nothing to do with me. I got some of the photos, the kitchen ware, the couch, his old car, a new little gorgeous cottage just for me to live in. I receive texts, messages about the kids, emails, and we spend holidays together.

Ha Ha.

The advantages to this being “left” thing continue to enter my life, even after many years. There are far more advantages than disadvantages.

And even all of these supposed advantages and disadvantages…

….who knows if they are even true.

The most important thing is, the pair of glasses I am wearing about the whole thing is that it was one of the most powerful, life-changing, incredible experiences and wake-up calls of my life. Almost on equal footing to attending Byron Katie’s School for The Work.

I mean it.

I orbited into an entirely different paradigm. It wasn’t instant. My mind hung on very tight. I wanted to punish. I rotated back into severe doubt. But then I’d rotate with self-inquiry into brilliant trust. It was a roller coaster ride.

Very, very exciting.

Who would you be without your story?

You can do this. All it takes is answering some powerful questions slowly and honestly. You can do this.

A Community of the Spirit

There is a community of the spirit.

Join it, and feel the delight

of walking in the noisy street

and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,

and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes

to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,

if you want to be held.

Sit down in the circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel

the shepherd’s love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.

Don’t accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food.

Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”

Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.

Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison

when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.

Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always

widening rings of being.

~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two events happening soon, that support your inquiry:

1) Being With Byron Katie (just stopped by the house which is getting a facelift for ten days….can’t wait to spend 4 days there starting July 8th)

2) Sliding Scale pay what you can. Summer Camp For The Mind begins July 5 – August 18.

June 19, 2017

What would you really be without thinking about it?

The other day, I had one of those moments where I noticed….

….”OH. I’m here. Without thought. Just here.”

Even though seconds before I had images in my head about all kinds of things with a voice offering advice: go make those copies for Breitenbush, do laundry so you’re ready with clean clothes, I hope he’s doing OK with his cancer treatment, I hope she’s going to find peace with her mother, I need to email them, I wonder what she’s doing right now, I need to reply to him, set that up, do this.

The mind is so fast and full. Jam packed with possibilities and ideas and plans.

Scenes, memories, pictures, thoughts ticker tape through.

But as something draws your attention through your day….who are you without your thoughts about it?

Who am I without my thoughts?

Dang, what a crazy question…but what a wonderful, fascinating, exploratory question.

Don’t I need my thoughts? Wouldn’t I be some kind of weirdo without thoughts? Or dumb as a post?

As a memory steps through your mind, the image of someone’s face, or a scary picture, or the idea for a task, or your calendar, there’s a response in the body, in emotions perhaps (or sometimes, oddly, there is not response at all).

Who would you be without believing the image, picture, response was true?

Kinda cosmic, right?!?

But WOW.

It’s lighter, it’s even exciting, it’s relaxing, it’s a willingness not to take whatever you’re bumping into so seriously, including the pictures floating through your own mind about what your encounters mean about the future.

Turning the whole entire experience around: Thinking is not required. I don’t need to think, to “have” thoughts, or even “good” thoughts in order to be safe, secure, alive, successful, or happy.

Holy Moly.

Thoughts appear. Then, I notice they aren’t present, I’m simply observing. I also notice I’m sleeping sometimes–no thinking going on during sleep. I notice I also “lose my train of thought” all the time, and everything’s apparently fine.

Life goes on. Without a thought about it.

As I observed this wonderful and weird phenomena of noticing the absence of thought, the beauty of something just being here, I decided to make a Peace Talk podcast Episode 132.

(These things just appear, I have no idea what’s going on).

What’s here, without our stories?

“The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal Name. The unnamable is the eternally real. Naming is the origin of all particular things. Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations. Yet mystery and manifestations arise from the same source. This source is called darkness. Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding.” ~ Tao Te Ching #1

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you want to listen to the ten minute Peace Talk episode, head over HERE.

June 15, 2017

Sickness: When there’s no hope, you’re free

Those of you who wanted to join the Masterclass: Ten Barriers To Deepening Your Work today at 8 am Pacific Time, you can sign up HERE. Then I’ll send the replay out only to those who want it. Bring your pen and paper.

And as I’m writing this, I’m thinking “Is this going to be OK for tomorrow?”

Because I have a rather severe cold, fever, pounding ears, sore throat. I can’t remember being this sick in ages.

Crazy!

I should NOT be sick.

This is an amazing thought to question. No matter what kind of illness, it often appears.

I shouldn’t have cancer, I shouldn’t experience this ailment. I shouldn’t feel so lousy. I should be able to go outside, eat dinner, run the masterclass webinar.

Sometimes, we can become absolutely terrified with the belief that we shouldn’t be feeling physically sick. Like a huge screaming NO!

Is it true I shouldn’t be sick right now?

Yes. I hate it. This is terrible. I’m trying to work, here, to keep my schedule! (Shake fist at sky).

What kind of images come to mind?

Staying in bed for days and days. Unable to go on. Sometimes, I confess, when I’ve had this thought I imagine being on my death bed. I think about how this body is declining ultimately, and will fade away and die.

I think about my daughter being sick when she was here for 24 hours this past weekend. She brought it into the house!

The mind tries to figure out how to prevent this from ever happening again in the future. I clench up against the physical pain, stare into space as I lie on the bed. Sleep during the day.

But who would I be without this thought I shouldn’t be sick, when I am?

Relaxing into what is, it seems. Letting it be here, like this. Achy, listening to the rain, noticing how more sleep will be good, watching that incredibly…I seem to be writing this Grace Note and I don’t see why not.

Turning this thought around: I should be sick.

This isn’t a slap, or a way to point out what’s wrong with me, or that I deserved it. Never those things.

But why should I be sick, when I am?

I have a human body, that’s why. This body is a host to other organisms, and it’s doing its thing to get rid of something that landed here, apparently. I don’t mind resting. I like it.

I feel very grateful and appreciative for my general good health. I can’t remember the last time I was this sick, it’s been a very long time (years).

Why else should I be sick, when I am?

I listened to music this afternoon sent to me by a friend last week while I was still traveling. It was a meditation, relaxation thing on youtube, very slow and quiet. I got to contemplate the mind, silence, while lying flat in the bed today.

I felt OK this morning, so this has come on very quickly and intensely, and a client I had scheduled for all afternoon cancelled because HE was sick….so far everything’s rolling along as expected, just with sickness accompanying the ride.

I still facilitated the Thursday evening Year of Inquiry call, and could listen, enjoy the inquiry, love everyone there. My work, like the call, is done from home so it doesn’t really matter if I’m sick or not. Until it does.

I’m not sure why else I should be sick, except when I consider this turnaround….I feel a sense of laughter, what-do-I-know, mystery, and readiness to climb into bed again. No choice. I’m not in charge or running this here. It’s a happening.

Turning it around again: My thinking should not be sick. Especially when it comes to sickness. So true. I can work myself into a tizzy about an ailment, or let go.

Another turnaround I notice is that “I” am not actually sick. Not the part of me that’s always here, the steady consciousness that’s been around from before I even knew about it.

“People who know there’s no hope are free; decisions are out of their hands. It has always been that way, but some people have to die bodily to find out. No wonder they smile on their deathbeds. Dying is everything they were looking for in life: they’ve given up the delusion of being in charge. When there’s no choice, there’s no fear. They begin to realize that nothing was ever born but a dream and nothing ever dies but a dream.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

June 14, 2017

A very tricky stressful thought that can lead to…..eating, drinking, internetting, escaping

One of the top three stressful beliefs people shared when I asked what bothers them the most on a regular basis was “I drink or eat too much.”

I sure do know the pain of these. Not fun.

Now, this doesn’t have to be huge over-use, alcoholism, disordered eating, crazed bingeing, or very extreme behavior (like I myself experienced)….to be stressful.

Simply consuming when we said we didn’t want to, or wouldn’t, can start setting up a cycle of regret, frustration, and self-talk that says “I’m not good enough” or “I made a mistake”.

Usually, I’ve found there’s something very compelling, something I’m looking for or seeking, something I’m trying to avoid (or so the mind thinks) that becomes worth the act of consuming.

You know what the substance does.

At first, just for a moment, it offers some relief, it tastes so good, it’s pleasurable, the body relaxes. Yum. Ahhhh. Relief from tension.

Then, it wears off. The moment of pleasure moves to the next phase. Difficult digestion, bloating, restless sleep, dehydrated.

We’re so upset, we wonder “Why did I drink that again? Why did I eat that again? There must be something wrong with me!”

But instead of jumping to the conclusion that you are flawed, you can study the process and wonder to yourself “What is happening before I decide to consume this thing, that I would ditch feeling good physically and use this thing to get some pleasure, or relief?”

What’s going on in my day, in my week, in my mind, in my thinking….that says “eat, drink, smoke, TV, internet” or whatever your thing is?

What’s missing?

What am I worried about?

What’s the worst that could happen if I stop consuming this thing, substance, activity altogether in this moment?

Often people reach for their favorite relaxers when they have unscheduled time, at the end of the work day, at night, when they’re alone without obligations.

Just last night, my back was a little achy, I had a wonderful day with clients and projects and exercise midday….but I remained at the table with the laptop, working on something. My husband was waiting to take a walk. The clock passed 8:30 pm, then 9:00 pm, then at 9:25 pm I looked up and called out to him in the other room “I’m almost ready” (he is very patient).

Ten more minutes before I stood up and put on my jacket.

It appears in my evenings (this is not the first time) I’m unable again to pause, stop, relax, switch gears and end the work day.

What’s going on?

If you’re wondering about yourself, you can answer the question…what’s the worst that could happen in your mind and thoughts, if you stop?

If you stop eating, working, drinking, smoking….what is terrible about this mentally? What would you experience?

Now don’t just go and say “Nothing would be terrible about it! I’d love it! I’d finally be happy! I’d be doing something right!”

Now, now. This is the way we often think that covers up the underlying fear about what could happen if we stop.

You’re not crazy. There is actually a reason or thought process underway that repeatedly thinks if you stop enacting your compulsive behavior, consuming, watching, eating, busy-ing, there will be hell to pay.

So in my case, what’s the worst that could happen in my thinking if I stopped working?

I’d feel anxious. I’d want those tasks done. I wouldn’t be able to sit still with unfinished projects half completed. I’d think the empty space should be filled with something. I should accomplish something.

This can be a huge source of stress, and even a sense of profound powerlessness for people, the thought “I should be doing something productive.”

The mental judgment that what you should be doing ought to be productive, and sitting still isn’t productive, relaxing isn’t of benefit, doing nothing isn’t good.

Let’s inquire.

Is it true that doing nothing is bad or wrong? Is it true you should be doing something?

Yes!

Can you absolutely know you should be doing something productive?

No. It wouldn’t make sense to be producing 24/7. It’s not possible. It’s not balanced.

What happens when you think this thought?

I press on, push myself, think, make lists, check them off. If I sit still or do something different, I can’t stop thinking about doing something.

I battle with the desire to rest. In the past, I would begin to eat, and eat more. I’d watch a movie in the dark. Anything to avoid doing the things I thought I should be doing. I’d rebel! Anger would arise! I’ll do whatever I want! (Consume).

Who would you be without this thought that you should be doing something productive and acting like a good citizen?

Oh. Huh. Never thought of that before.

Let go of believing I should be accomplishing something? Is that OK?

I once had a friend who couldn’t stop cleaning, scrubbing, doing dishes, polishing even if I came over for dinner. She appeared unable to sit at the table with me and enjoy a conversation. When she stopped, she stepped out onto the balcony for a cigarette. The only way to pause.

Who would we be without the belief we should be Doing?

Wow.

Part of my mind moves to imagining I’d get depressed. You mean nothing is required, and there’s nothing to do? But. Don’t I matter? Isn’t this all about making a difference? I feel so good when I complete a major project, or do something cool. Isn’t that what all the great successful people are doing? Constantly accomplishing things?

Without the thought I should be accomplishing, I might fizzle into nothing and die!

Haha! (It’s true! We will all fizzle and die, at least this body will.)

Who would you really, really be without worrying about what your mind has to say if you unplug, rest, relax, stop?

I’d notice we get tired, go to sleep, shut down AND we “do” every single day. I’d be moved to work when I wanted to work, without forcing, being rigid. I’d be more caring for this body. I would have no urgency.

Turning this thought around: I should NOT be accomplishing something. I should be accomplishing nothing.

Yes. My greatest desire is to be with everything, open to all that is in this world, and to experience the joy of being here for this temporary time. One thing I always wanted was being comfortable doing nothing.

Not contending with anything, not fighting anything (including this mind), not believing things will be better, later, once I finish the task…but to enjoy the laundry, the writing, each client, sweeping the floor, taking out the garbage, sitting on my couch, walking, sleeping…without expectation. Noticing.

Loving What Is.

Including empty unscheduled time, rest, slowing down, the space of stillness. No need to consume something or reach for pleasure, but allowing the quiet to be here now, even in the midst of a mind screaming that you need to do something.

Do you have to believe everything you think?

Ahhhh.

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. ~ Lao Tsu

Much love,

Grace

June 12, 2017

I thought I had a problem….I was confused

Wow, sometimes this mind can grab onto something like a dog clamping down on a bone, unwilling and unable to let go.

You’ve probably noticed.

When did my mind crunch down with gusto and start going in for the problem-solving intensity and worry?

Day Before Yesterday.

I realized not one single person, so far, who is signed up to watch Being With Byron Katie here in Seattle July 8-11 was opting to stay overnight at the retreat site.

I had this uh-oh feeling.

People don’t want to stay at this house. It’s too central, too urban, too city. I made a mistake! I should have had a more elegant-country-retreat house in mind! Why did being in the middle of the city appeal to me? Ohhhh Nooooo!!

My old standard favorite home to occupy for retreats and events, way in the north end and more suburban, is being torn down. As in Not Available for any retreats, ever again.

I liked THAT house.

Other people like that house, too. It’s spacious, comfortable, inexpensive, relaxed, lots of parking. I don’t want THAT house to go away.

I don’t want change on this particular issue!

People feel this way all the time about things other than houses they rent. Change is disturbing…. job loss, spouse loss or divorce, illness, possessions, children growing up, parents aging.

Last March, when I first learned my favorite retreat rental house was being torn down, I quick went crazy online looking for our new alternative for Being With Byron Katie. Combing through listings, emailing owners if they had a big screen television with good viewing room for a group.

Several times, as I almost thought I’d gotten a good house, it was rented within hours right out from under me. Houses were going like hotcakes! Everyone wants to be in Seattle in the summer! Holy smokes!

So when I found a fabulous location like Capitol Hill for our Being With Katie retreat that wasn’t so crazy expensive as everything else, I rented it sight unseen.

Now, why was I worried about no one staying there? Money. Dang it. Money again. Heh heh.

This is a “break-even” event where everyone’s registration actually contributes to the cost of putting it on.

Even people who attend for only a 3 hour session, or one day only, get access to the recordings for the whole event (until the end of September). So, it’s just a flat fee and everyone coming and going without words, taking in the event, keeping silence, then watching what they miss later if they want to.

And some people, I assumed, would stay in the bedrooms of this house overnight and chip in extra based on the rental fees, and cover their rooms.

I dropped by to look at the house in between guests, when it was being cleaned.

The inside is great. Very quiet. Lovely hard wood floors, beautiful kitchen, four nice bedrooms. But one side of the house runs along Harvard Avenue, which is busy and has freeway noise. The owners had me enter from the alley, which has a lovely quiet, secret spot feel.

But not a spread out, green vacation, lush landscape orientation, surrounded by wilderness.

Someone wrote and asked if she could bring her tent. Gulp.

There’s no yard for a tent. This is not for camping.

If no one opts to stay overnight….I’m paying a big chunk of money for four empty bedrooms. Yikes. No longer break-even. A loss of over a thousand dollars. Holy Moly.

This house is in an urban area in the middle of Seattle, literally. The homes are mostly stately mansions, gorgeous old Capitol Hill houses, lining beautifully landscaped sidewalks with small front yards and steps to the front door guarded by stone lions.

Nearby only one block away is Roanoke Park, which I remember playing in 40 years ago. In other words, there’s been no new development around this original Seattle hill for decades. Except maybe some remodeling of these magnificent homes.

The house we’re taking over for four days is actually modest in the midst of all the ornate display of old Seattle. It appealed to me deeply because I love the surrounding walks, the gorgeous views, the architecture. And it’s basically walking distance from the house where I grew up and my parents lived for 28 years.

Not far away (only 5 blocks or so) is a winding inner-city wooded park road called Interlaken Boulevard. I learned to drive on that road, and walked and biked it many times with friends.

Maybe my childhood stomping ground blinded me. (Inner squeal…MONEY!)

So I raised the worrisome “issue” with my husband. I’ll lose money. No one will stay. It’s not good enough. This is a disappointment.

And guess what he said?

“Is it true?”

At first it was a little chuckle. Then, we began to laugh.

Oh! Right!

Who would you be without your story of loss, change, worry?

Who would you be without your belief that you want the old one, you want it to stay the same, you want the same spouse, job, body, skill, etc, and not have any of it cost too much, by the way?

This wasn’t even that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. In fact, a midget sized worry, to be honest.

So what would it really be like to be someone who is not concerned with what is happening, to be someone who remembers they don’t know what the future will bring?

My husband and I began to find examples of how fabulous it would be if absolutely no one wanted to spend the night at the retreat house.

1) We could go sleep there and have it all to ourselves, taking walks all over Capitol Hill in the July summer nights.

2) We could rent out our cottage while we stayed at the Capitol Hill one to some excited people who didn’t think they could find a Seattle spot at this late date in the summer, and make some of the money back.

3) We could sit up late on the viewpoint just up the road from this house on the way to Volunteer Park and watch the full moon come up, then walk “home”.

What turnaround examples can you find for a life change you didn’t expect, or prefer?

How could it be OK, interesting, an advantage…even a wonderful thing that it’s going the way it goes?

And, I notice right here, right now…I have no idea really what will happen. I could have the opposite problem of too many people wanting to sleep in the retreat house, in which case….silent slumber party!!“

To join us at Being With Byron Katie, read about it and sign up HERE: http://bit.ly/bwbkgrace

To ask about staying onsite, email grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll tell you all about the room options.

You are the wisdom you’re seeking, and inquiry is a way to make that wisdom available whenever you want. My experience is that there’s no one with more or with less wisdom. We all have it equally. That’s the freedom I enjoy. If you think that you have a problem, you’re confused.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you’d like to take a look at some common barriers to doing The Work, this is one of my favorite topics of all time.

(After working with many people and asking them about their deepest concerns, I’ve identified these ten barriers or blocks to “getting” The Work).

Register for the Masterclass HERE. We’ll meet Friday at 8:00 am Pacific Time. Yes, I will record it and yes, I will also offer it again live very soon.

Much love,

Grace

June 11, 2017

Masterclass: Getting Unstuck in The Work + Year of Inquiry Information

I’m getting so very excited for Year of Inquiry starting in September!

The Year of Inquiry program has been given the incredible honor of being the equivalent of one School for The Work (+ 80 hours of partner pairing) inside the Institute for The Work which certifies people in The Work of Byron Katie.

This means, for anyone interested in full certification, upon completion of the Year of Inquiry program, you can become a part of the Institute for The Work with your first school plus 80 credits already done.

But the most important reason people participate in Year of Inquiry?

To stay steady in The Work and connect with other people committed to the same deep work in inner exploration of the mind, questioning stressful thinking, and transforming inaction, suffering and despair in our lives.

To get ready for YOI…I’ll be offering a free webinar Masterclass: Ten Barriers to Doing The Work, and How To Dissolve Them. The masterclass stands alone, and, at the end I’ll explain all about the Year of Inquiry program and answer your questions.

While I will offer this masterclass again this summer, the first one is this coming Friday morning June 16th 8:00 am Pacific Time.

Set aside at least 90 minutes, bring a pen and paper (the entire class WILL be recorded) and join me for a powerful journey in self-inquiry.

“I did The Work, because I was in a hurry.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

June 7, 2017

Social anxiety, obstacles to love, and being with Byron Katie

I’m amazed at the frequency of doing The Work in my life as summer approaches and is about to become “official” the same day as the Breitenbush retreat begins (3 spots still available, by the way–love to have you). We will offer 24 CEs for Institute for The Work candidates as well as 26 CEUs for mental health professionals.

And then, another bright light of the summer….starting on Saturday, July 8th, we gather for Being With Byron Katie. I had fun sharing about it at New Spirit Journal here. (Read on for more).

Speaking of gathering together with others….I’ve been thinking recently about social anxiety.

Someone wrote to me about a month ago saying he wanted to attend a retreat, but had too much social anxiety and felt very worried.

Isn’t it funny how we like the idea of gathering to receive support, learning, insight or some kind of transformational shift….but the very gathering itself is a bit frightening.

I have to travel, greet others, speak about what’s going on for me, share or show my feelings. Ugh. Maybe I’ll stay home.

I’ve felt the very same way.

When I was in my twenties, I knew I needed to address my great anxiety about talking with other people, telling the truth, answering questions more honestly (it seemed like I never did, and always tried to be polite rather than clear). I knew I wanted less fear and more relaxation with HUMANS….yet intentionally moving to spend several days with them was daunting. The opposite of my normal strategy.

Go on a retreat? Um. No way.

Someone suggested I see a therapist who specialized in group therapy. I thought “I’ll go see her, but I’ll NEVER go to the group.”

Nine months later, fortunately for me, I was in the group.

And this was finally the beginning of the end of my extreme social anxiety.

But it wasn’t easy at first.

When I joined the group, I was familiar and trusting of my therapist. She was the group co-leader along with another male therapist, and she’s the one person I knew.

However, one person who felt safe and trustworthy did not make me comfortable in the group.

I was dumb struck. Literally. I said absolutely nothing, unless addressed, and then made it as short and simple and sweet as possible.

This went on week after week. I watched the others ask for time and attention in my group. I sized up the members. I assessed them and drew conclusions.

“She’s one of those needy types” or “Ah, he’s a Microsoft millionaire with intimacy problems” or “she’s so creative I don’t even know what she’s doing here” and on and on.

Then, one day SIX MONTHS LATER (my therapist was very patient and had given me lots of opportunity to warm up, which I never did) at the beginning of the group, my therapist said:

“Everyone, before we get started today, I have something I need to bring up. It’s about Grace.”

Gulp.

My heart started pounding. No! I hate the attention! Please don’t look at me!

I wanted to run out of the room, but felt also frozen solid at the same time, like a trapped animal.

This wonderful woman, who cared very much about me, then proceeded to say that I was withholding myself from the group. No one could know me if I didn’t speak. And, to add to this, it was quite controlling of me to NOT speak. I could remain unchanged, unchallenged, and not get into anything messy or have direct conversation with anyone. I was remaining in my little castle.

Gasp, quick in-breath.

She was right.

I actually did not want to remain in a private world or tower all by myself, but I had no idea how to get out of my anxious perspective of other people.

My social anxiety stemmed from believing I needed to protect myself, to never disturb anyone else, to be polite, relaxed, graceful (my name even said so), kind, and nice. And self-less, by the way. I needed to have no needs whatsoever, since this also might disturb someone.

Whew, it was a terribly difficult castle to hold up. There was no freedom, everything felt restrained, and no wonder I stuffed myself with food when the tension built up strong. I would eat all alone, by myself, not letting anyone else see me.

The therapist asked me to share something about myself, and to talk about what I was most afraid of, if I spoke out loud.

Shaking all over, and at the point of tears, I spoke some about my feelings of anxiety and worry about being accepted, and I answered her questions (which are now a fog, but they felt OK to answer, I do remember that).

It was nothing more than this. The therapy group went on, and other people brought up their own issues and discussions that had nothing to do with me. I survived the confrontation.

But it was never the same again.

It was better.

I felt truly seen, and invited to step forward and be seen, and like the group even wanted me to show up, instead of fading into the background all the time and sitting there in silence, just listening.

If you saw me a year later, and then two years later when I was ready to leave the group…you would have seen a bubbly, passionate, talkative, powerful young woman.

Over the course of those several years in the group therapy, I screamed, cried, re-enacted drama therapy scenes that were important to me from childhood, learned to confront people in the group honestly.

At one point, I was given an assignment based on sharing my concerns about receiving support, to call people in my group in between sessions during the week. When I first did it, I could barely dial the phone, I felt so shy. I had to call THREE people in my group every week and actually speak to them. It took awhile to get comfortable.

During that period of time, I stopped binge-eating and vomiting.

Was my social anxiety and eating related? You bet. And healing the anxiety with others began to heal my eating patterns as well.

During those years, for the very first time I attended a retreat with all the people in groups like mine. We spent entire weekends together, with everyone sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags in the same room! I was SHOCKED the first time our therapist pointed to the room where we’d be sleeping. All together in one room? What? Isn’t that a little too close?

It was actually heavenly. I was safe, surrounded by honest, caring people, and finding out that my story of humanity being mean and judgmental and rejecting…just was not true.

I’m still finding this out all the time, creating groups and retreats intentionally as a part of my joy and passion in the world.

And here’s a little secret. I still get nervous/anxious/excited before every single retreat or gathering, whether I’m the leader or the one attending. I even wear a shirt for the first day that won’t show armpit sweat. I sometimes might even say in jest to my husband “Why did I schedule this retreat? What was I thinking?” And we laugh.

Here’s the thing that’s entirely different: I can’t believe what I’m thinking is really true. My body might be reacting, I’m excited, I have heightened attention, I feel thrilled and curious, you could even call it nervous, but it doesn’t feel like I therefore shouldn’t do it.

I know I don’t have to believe my thoughts. I know they don’t hold up.

“I noticed that things happen with or without me, people approve of me or they don’t. It has nothing to do with me. This is really good news, since it leaves me responsible for my own happiness. It leaves me to do nothing but live my life as kindly and intelligently as I can.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Now, one of my favorite events of the summer is Being With Byron Katie Pacific Northwest. I mention it now, because it’s such a good event for freedom from any need to dialogue with others and yet be hanging out with lovely people.

Why?

Because we hold silence, while we’re in our group together. We listen to Katie via live streaming (she’s in Switzerland) and we watch together, but in between the 3-hour sessions with Katie, we remain in silence. We eat, get ready for bed, go out to walk, journal, read, wake up in silence.

For some people, it’s the first time they’ve ever stayed in silence all day, without speaking, but being near and around others.

Yet, what liberation to not speak, or be compelled to share, or need to make any conversation.

And oh the power of listening to Katie work with people, and their beautiful questions and concerns, and her answers and her sharing what she’s experienced. I especially love how Katie is not interested in delivering lessons or teaching to anyone. All she’s really interested in is asking questions, and being with people who want to question their suffering.

We get to participate just by listening. I often feel moved, and in awe, that what is offered on the screen from the retreat in Switzerland is brilliant, inspiring and transformative. People in our group are taking notes wildly, deeply affected, and the learning is palpable in the room. We get to write emails to the people in Switzerland, too, and Katie might respond to someone’s question right from our living room group.

I’m so grateful we can attend a retreat together that would normally cost thousands for travel, lodging, food, tuition. Thanks to technology, we’re there anyway.

And through our community together we’re able to maintain the same silence the people are keeping in Switzerland. If I were watching by myself at home, I simply wouldn’t.

I’ve tried it before. Something about being alone, I start emailing, working on projects, answering the phone, responding to my family. I don’t take the silence part seriously. I don’t let myself be with me and my own mind. But in this group, I do.

If you’d like to join this powerful event and spend four days (or you can come to the weekend only if you really can’t take off time from work) then I’d love to have you. We have a modest house in a fantastic location (Roanoke Park, Seattle) so your silent walks and exploring in between sessions can be done with magnificent views.

There are four bedrooms available for sleeping, email me if you want to reserve one (yes, you can share and split the cost with someone else).

To find out more, and to see the bedroom choices and fees, visit HERE.

And if you can relate to having social anxiety….perhaps spending time in this retreat full of inquiry about the stresses of the human condition will bring you to the turnaround:

Social comfort.

The joy of inhabiting space and time connected to other people.

“The only obstacle to loving other people is believing what you think, and you’ll come to see that that’s also the only obstacle to loving yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

June 7, 2017

If I accept my looks…I won’t lose weight

Let’s talk about body image!

Recently, I noticed a strong comparison of myself with others.

Those runners over there look so fit, quick, lithe, powerful. But my body doesn’t look like that. I look saggy, squishy, older, slow.

What does this mean about you, when you see other bodies and make assumptions about what it means?

What do you assume about a good-looking bodies? What does it mean that a body is “attractive” or “athletic” or “thin”?

What do you assume about unhealthy looking bodies? “Fat” or “heavy” bodies?

What’s the worst that could happen when other people think your body isn’t beautiful? Or what about if they DO think your body is beautiful?

Studying social rules and ideas about perfection or flaws can be incredibly liberating, if you first see what your assumptions are, and then question them.

Are you sure what you think about bodies are true?

I sure found out it wasn’t. I noticed gorgeous people weren’t always happy, and unattractive people weren’t always unhappy.

Sometimes, it was the complete opposite!

Today let’s explore body image, and perhaps when you first ever considered you needed to change your body and how it looked: