Grace, Author at Question with Grace

May 18, 2017

Eating Peace: I’m totally out of control with food…what do I do?

The most powerful and emotion-filled question I ever get around eating is this one:

How do I stop?

People write when they feel out of control. Sometimes they say they’re ready to commit suicide.

Really, this is serious and awful, to be stuck in a terrible cycle of eating, stuffing, frantic grabbing and consuming.

One thing to notice from the beginning in this kind of panicky frantic state is that this is a problem in the mind.

I’m not saying that means it’s diminished or made up or wrong. But it’s a compulsion based on fear and a sense of powerlessness.

Here’s what you can begin if you feel like you’ve been eating everything in sight and you can’t stop.

Start with this one inquiry….then consider where you’re afraid or feeling completely powerless and like you have no say or ability to regain power.

I say more right here, but your three tools to use? 1) contact with other people 2) honest self-reflection and inquiry, to see what your emotions are 3) notice what’s really true!

May 17, 2017

If you don’t get a job soon….are you sure about the worst that could happen?

One of the more frightening times in my life was when I had no money and had to find a job ASAP.

It felt like a major emergency.

I tried to sell my house (no takers, couldn’t sell it for even the amount I owed on it), I had been on 20 job interviews, I had borrowed $6000 from a family member, my credit card was at the highest level as I had used it for groceries, and I was late on a mortgage payment.

Things looked very bleak when it came to money and work.

When I asked people to share with me their top stressful thoughts a few weeks ago, I had quite a few sharing “I need to get a job”.

The urgency and fear around getting a job can escalate with our scary images of what will happen if I do NOT get a job. I’ll lose my house, my car, my possessions, my sanity. I’ll never recover from these losses. Other people might even suffer (if you have dependents).

As I did The Work at that time 8 years ago on my dreadful feelings of panic about not getting work, a dear friend and facilitator asked me a powerful question:

What’s the worst that could happen?

Not insanely-wild-imagination-worse-case-scenario…but very likely what could happen that’s really, really bad.

So for example, even if my mind might imagine I’d be dying of starvation on the street, owning nothing, my kids given away to relatives to be raised….I really deeply knew this simply would not ever happen. I know too many people who I love and adore and who also love me. I’d have places to stay most likely. I really couldn’t see myself dying of not having work or money. Not really.

But I could see a worst case scenario that I was indeed quite terrified could happen: I’d have to go live in my mother’s basement with my two kids.

I pictured having to wake up at 5 am to drive them miles if I wanted to keep them in the same schools with the friends they knew. I felt horrible imagining their lives being further disrupted (there was already a divorce, just finalized).

I pictured feeling burdened by living with my mom, that she and I would drive each other crazy. We’d fight over refrigerator space, or chores (like when I was 13). I was sure I’d be such a loser, I’d hate myself and had an image of never recovering, never really coming back from the divorce or the failure–even though I was only 44 and could live many more years possibly.

I had thoughts like “my life is almost over” and “I should have gone to medical school” and how my life so far had been a huge mistake, I should have seen it coming, blah blah blah.

That mind will kick into high gear with incredibly alarming voices, words, shouts, pictures, and the resulting feelings of panic.

I felt abandoned.

My primary intense thoughts: I need money, I need a job. This is horrible.

Let’s inquire.

Is it true?

YES! Can’t you see my bills?! (I thought at the time)?! How can you even ASK this question—of COURSE I need more money and I need a job in order to get it!

YESTERDAY!

Can you absolutely know it’s true you need more money, and a job?

Yes. I felt so sure. I maybe had a tiny sliver of awareness that I would still be breathing without money or a job. I could see that I still had a car in my driveway, some food in my cupboards, and a beautiful rug on the floor.

Honestly, I could see in that very moment that it was not absolutely, 100% required I get a job immediately, or I would die on the spot. I was scaring myself with pictures of a slow decline and death, failing miserably and never recovering. But I had no idea what life would really look like, and I could see I was OK in that moment.

So no, I couldn’t absolutely know I needed a job and money NOW.

How did I react when I believed I needed money and a job NOW!?

My hands were bunched in two tight fists. My whole body was tense. I couldn’t sleep. I had to pace. I was sick to my stomach and not eating so well. I was frantic when I looked at job boards, and combed through online HR departments. I’d change and re-change my resume. I’d ask myself “what am I missing?” and wonder where else I could try to find work. I’d apply to everything that even slightly fit my qualifications.

My attitude, at that time, towards work was that it was a sucky thing you had to do for money. Money was required, and this world was set up poorly because of it. I didn’t even really WANT to work. I had never had a fun job.

My beliefs were that jobs were dull, you had to do what the boss says, and you get rewarded for your compliance with money and health care. SLAVE for money.

Heh heh.

If I was on a dating site, thinking a relationship was a required pain-in-the-ass but you need it to survive life, like the way I believed I was forced to work full time to survive in life….I’d be the worst partner ever. Desperate.

So who would I be without this terrible, disheartening, frightening story that I needed more money and definitely must have a job?

Kind of weird to wonder about NOT having this thought, when it appears you have a stack of bills, and debt, and you might even lose your house, right?

But let’s do it anyway.

It’s just an exercise in meditating on this very stressful belief about having to have a job, like I’m forced into something–I’m very small and tiny and needy, and life is big and dangerous and has the security–but only if you work and are willing to do things you don’t even care about doing.

Who would I be without that terrible attitude? Without the belief I’ve been abandoned? Without the belief that life is out to break me down into a pulp? That I’m on my way to losing it all?

Woah.

Without that story?

Huh.

I could see in that moment of no work, and the resentment chip on my shoulder (more like the size of a small boulder)….

….my mind was surrounded by a suffocating dark cloud when it came to thinking about work, jobs, house payments, bosses, office buildings.

So could I really go there, considering what it would be like without that story?

What if I just got here from another planet, and had no reference for jobs, working, interviews, resumes, applications, boredom at work, having to do what bosses tell you?

What if I had no history to compare to? What if I was in this position and it was a game, like landing here for the very first time, putting on a human suit, and seeing what I might conjure up when it comes to this whole money-job thing?

Oh…that’s what it would be like, without this dreadful thought I needed a job in order to survive!

I could take a deep breath, clap my hands together, and say “I’m in!”

I might think about working anywhere, without judgment. Maybe I’d ask way more people about work, and different people than I’d been asking. I could make an announcement in places I went every day, like the dance I attended each week and was trading work for my entrance fee. Or at the grocery store check out.

Maybe I’d send an email to everyone in my address book, and basically if it was a game where I had to move quickly, I might hit the streets and start asking everyone I ran into if they knew anyone who needed help. Perhaps I’d talk to the people at the bus stop, all of whom were headed at rush hour to jobs in downtown.

More and more ideas might pour into my mind, if my attitude was open, unafraid. Even if I didn’t get a job, I would know I went down doing my best….and that alone would feel good. It would make a great story.

She lived in the basement of her mother’s house, but only after going to 100 job interviews, handing out her resume to people walking the streets of downtown, asking for everyone’s attention at the local coffee shop and with a loud voice and a smile, saying I’m looking for work.

Turns out….I never needed to all of those wild bold things, but without the belief I need a job and money like an emergency, terrified…..my mind got very creative. How fun to begin to brainstorm, just like all the engineers on the ground in Houston who were putting their minds together to bring Apollo 13 back to earth.

That’s who I was without my belief I need a job in order to survive. Excited. Confident. Ready to die trying. Willing.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need a job or more money. A job needs me! (Turned out to be true). I already have a job, which is to question my fear in that situation, and live more joyfully. I choose to find a job and have fun acquiring money, not feel forced and like a victim about it.

If it had been my last day on earth….would I have wanted to be freaking out because I didn’t have a job?

No.

I also imagined the beauty of the turnaround that I might go live with my mother. How could that be fantastic, like the best thing EVER?

I’d get to know my mom way more, in my 40s. She’d get to know these two grandchildren far better, my kids. We’d be getting to live in a 3-generation household. I’d downsize even more, and I love having few possessions and traveling light. I’d get to know a new neighborhood (where my mom lived) for daily walks. I’d do The Work on my mom and she’d do The Work on me, it could be brilliant for discovering and un-doing old beliefs about us both. I wouldn’t have a mortgage! I might find a job in that new neighborhood, maybe something I liked because I’d have more time to be selective.

If I don’t get a job soon, the WORST that could happen is having to move into my mom’s basement….turned around….the BEST that could happen is having to move into my mom’s basement!

Wow, that was starting to sound true!

When I got a job offer, only about a week later, I was practically disappointed I didn’t get to move in with my mom and take on that amazing adventure of being with her in a new and different way.

Can you find benefits for your worst fears coming true?

Can you feel the relief at not having the thought you Must Have a job yesterday? Can you find examples that you actually have a job right now….called questioning your suffering about work and money?

Who would you be without your story?

“My job is to delete myself. If there were a bumper sticker representing my life, it would say CTRL-ALT-DELETE: THEWORK.COM. That’s where I invite everyone to come join me. Join me and delete your own beautiful self. That’s the only place where we CAN meet. I call it love.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

May 16, 2017

My thirty year old stressful thought about Breitenbush

Speaking of getting clear.

Someone texted me today to ask if there was space at Breitenbush. Oh yes. A handful of spaces are still available. You can call 503-854-3320 to find out all about it. Call, the old school way, with a phone.

I know the weirdness, by the way, of deciding to come to a group or event in person.

Jeez, so much effort. You have to buy plane tickets or bus tickets or train tickets, figure out the ride from the airport to the actual place, which sometimes seems to take hours, walk here, go there, wait here.

Then, you’re not sure if you’ll be able to sleep well, or who your roommate is, or what the environment will be like….and at Breitenbush, especially….don’t they have clothing-optional soaking pools?

And then what will The Work actually be like? Will I get somewhere and make progress understanding my stressful internal life? Will it make a difference, or be worth it?

So many stressful thoughts about getting from Point A to Point B. And stressful thoughts about what the destination will be like, once we’re there.

Will it be comfortable??! Because otherwise….(stressful thought, stressful image).

I remember hearing about Breitenbush when I was in high school. I don’t remember who told me. But it was definitely some kind of hippie naked wild place. Um. OK. I’m not so sure about the conditions of society, but that sounds a little too too. Not for me.

When Evergreen State College (part of the Washington state university system) came to present at my high school, they wore army pants and half-hippie half-grunge T-shirts. They probably hang out at Breitenbush. I will never go to that weirdo school where you invent your own program.

(I graduated from there later).

I never went to Breitenbush or found out much more about it.

Many years later, I was invited to teach The Work at Breitenbush by my friend Susan Beekman, who was closely connected with people who started Breitenbush for many years and who I met at The School for The Work in 2005.

So off I went, to this crazy place with its reputation of wildness in my mind for 30 years….to help facilitate a 4 day workshop.

I was surprised.

The place was extremely quiet, organized, respectful, private….and as gentle as imaginable.

Upon entering the parking lot after several miles of carefully graded gravel road through the forest, a beautiful check-in building awaited me, and every arriving visitor.

When you check in, everyone gets to pile their possessions and luggage into a big sturdy wheelbarrow with huge wide smooth wheels. You load your things into this giant cart which seems to move forward with the slightest touch, and make your way to your nest.

Many people stay in the little cabins (I always do as a presenter). Soft sheets, warm blankets await in your room in a bag delivered before your arrival. You’ll make your own bed, turn on the big beautiful old-fashioned heater filled with hot springs water (if you need it) and put away things in the built-in tall cupboards. I’m always reminded of Laura Ingalls Wilder, imagining my little cabin being the size of the one her Pa built in the 1800s. There are no locking doors. No keys. Nothing ever gets stolen.

A small desk with a lamp, reading lights above the beds, and a huge porcelain sink is in every cabin to greet you. For bathing, most people head to the shared large bath houses (womens or mens), for always-hot showers from the springs.

The air smells like cedar and pine, the soft earth below the feet makes little noise as you walk. The trees are gigantic, the air so fresh and sweet. Every night, even in hot summer days, its cool and dark and silent.

No cells phones work here. No internet is flying through the airwaves. This is an electronic-free zone. People need to drive about 10 miles to get cell service.

It’s un-hook time.

And oh what a brilliant place for The Work of Byron Katie.

We begin the evening of Wednesday, June 21 which is solstice this year.

Just saying.

Time for a break in the pattern, an interrupt in the usual story-telling inside the mind. A dissolving of the nightmare, if that’s what you’ve been having.

We sit, we write, we investigate the suffering we may have experienced for many years. Some people return to Breitenbush every summer, year after year. Some are brand new and ready to learn and DO The Work in earnest.

Apparently, I had a stressful thought. About Breitenbush. They’re a bunch of wild naked woo-woos. As someone said to me once…”tree huggers”. (I personally love trees and country and forest, so that particular label never sounded bad).

But I didn’t even have time to question that thought once I arrived. It simply wasn’t true.

Everything was perfectly cared for. The lanes and walking pathways were raked and lined, the people kind and respectful, the food absolutely delicious and filling. There’s no coffee served, so you have to bring your own or go caffein-free. No alcohol and drugs anywhere on the grounds.

And guess what? No one is required to go naked in the hot springs (some people happily wear bathing suits). The boundary for where people go nude is limited and set aside just for soaking. There’s one pool that is for silence only–no talking by anyone, ever.

Anyone could be at Breitenbush and never go into the hot mineral pools, if you were too nervous or weirded out about nudity. You’d still love the place. It’s built for retreat. For luscious relaxation and natural beauty.

No wonder they wanted The Work there. It’s about un-raveling and un-doing painful conditioning and stressful stories that repeat themselves in troubling ways in our lives.

If you’re wanting summer time to settle way down, take time out, completely unplug, and join with others to soak in inquiry….

….bring it to Breitenbush. You’ll literally have the chance to leave it there. We do a very special exercise on the last day that can only be done at Breitenbush (it’s a surprise). Perhaps you’ll leave something there you never imagined, something you’ve wanted to set down for years.

People have flown from New York, Florida, Kentucky, taken the train from California and Mexico, driven from Vancouver BC and New Mexico. From all corners, the most lovely folks assemble to really sink into this incredible physical setting, and incredible way of enlightening ourselves by questioning our beliefs.

You may find, like I did about Breitenbush, that your impression of reality and of life was a little off.

Who would you be, who could you be, without your story?

“You are the effect of your story, that’s all. And this is hard to hear unless you inquire…..Come to know for yourself what’s true for you, not for me. My words are of no value to you. You’re the one you’ve been waiting for. Be married to yourself. You’re the one you’ve been waiting for all your life.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

May 15, 2017

Terror, ugliness, unacceptable, unbearable….doing The Work on the worst that could happen

When you spend 4 days doing The Work with a group, something happens to everyone’s perspective. Instead of the daily routine of life, our view shifts into a broader awareness.

It’s like the feeling you get when watching a magnificent sunrise.

Or receiving and giving a hug. Holding someone’s hand when they’re ill or dying. Being at the birth of a baby. Suddenly being startled at a gorgeous lush tree full of blossoms.

Everyone has these kinds of moments, where you’re startled by the beauty or insight that’s just inserted itself into your present moment.

In this retreat, we looked and sat with one important question, pens in our hands, blank paper on our laps.

The question: what’s the worst thing that could ever happen in your life?

Whew.

What a question, right?

Holy smokes.

I watched as all the participants closed their eyes, wrote in their journals and notebooks.

Now….what do you think it would mean, if this terrible thing happened?

What would it mean about you, about them, about life?

For me, I’ve thought about a dreadful image when I’ve answered this question. The worst thing ever happening? My children dying. Oh jeez. Not that terrible image again. Ugh.

It’s almost weird to write about. Why go there? Why event mention this dreadful, horrible, ridiculous, not-true scenario? Is there something wrong with me? Why would I give this possibility the time of day? I must be some kind of masochistic weirdo to want to sit with this terrifying disturbance of losing my kids.

But it’s there, nevertheless. A fear. I think I couldn’t go on if this happened. I notice sometimes in the world, peoples’ kids die.

So I’m willing to take a look, since the thought scares me.

Which is what I love about The Work.

The invitation is to open up to the underworld, the terrifying, the thoughts already present, the worries, the fears, the dread.

Let’s get them HANDLED…says The Work. Even if you think four questions couldn’t possibly “handle” your greatest fears.

I invite you to see.

Write down what you think is the worst thing ever that could happen in your life. It’s often about some kind of deeply troubling loss. A relationship, an inability to function, rejection, abandonment, betrayal.

Let’s inquire.

It would be (or, lets face it…it already happened and it WAS) the WORST thing ever.

Is it true?

(First question of The Work).

We’re inquiring. In the grand scheme oft things, we’re opening up to the choice that we’re believers, or we question what we believe….there’s no other possibility.

So let’s question, since it’s an option.

Is it true this would be the worst thing ever?

Yes.

Hands down, yes.

I couldn’t live life ever again in the same way if my kids died.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that it’s the worst thing? Can you absolutely know you couldn’t go on living? Can you absolutely know you’d lose your mind in grief, or freak out, or NOT be able to handle it? Can you know you’d be engulfed in sorrow and wither away into nothing?

How do you react when you believe in this possibility? When you think this is the worst? When you scream at yourself not to think this thought, ever EVER (because it’s so scary)?

I gasp. I try to stop thinking it. I bat it away. I tell myself positive things. And I feel underlying fear. I see images of my kids dying. I think I’m the kind of person who might go through this horrible event, so I brace myself. I don’t know how to prevent it, so I feel frightened. I feel like the future is dim, not bright.

I start imagining that if I think this thought…I’ll invite it. Which just exacerbates and threatens even more, and brings on self-criticism in addition to the original fear. (What’s wrong with you? Stop thinking this!)

But who would I be without the thought my kids will die?

It’s a worthy question. To consider what it would be like to NOT THINK that dreadful thought?

This is not about pretending or denying they’ll die. It’s wondering who I’d be without the thought pounding in my brain that they will.

I’d be relaxed. I’d see what else is going on. I’d open up to other ideas. I’d notice what’s working, even though this could (or has) happened.

And what about if this terrible thing that COULD happen or already did happen…what if it’s OK that it happened? Or the best thing that could happen, instead of the worst?

I know it’s a little abrupt. I know the word “best” is a little weird. But in this world of duality, we’re interested in worst/best, good/bad, terrible/wonderful.

And we’re interested in shaking things up. Considering what good could come out of the “worst case scenario”. Is there anything you can think of that might be GOOD about that horrible thing happening?

Several years ago, I got cancer.

I had surgery, and was lying in bed at home one day later with 50 stitches in my thigh, doing The Work. I looked at my leg, and was amazed the place where the tumor was removed looked like a piece of pale cream-colored leather with a huge gash in it, stitched with a gray colored thread evenly spaced.

How could I think of this situation as the best thing that ever happened? Really? What? I couldn’t find it. There is NO turnaround for this. It’s awful, there’s no reason. Cancer truly sucks. Nothing good can come of this. All awful, all the time, 24 hours a day. It shouldn’t happen. I’ll probably die of cancer, even if it’s not THIS cancer.

Who would I be, without this story though, that it’s the worst thing ever?

Oh. You really want me to do The Work on THIS situation too? Seriously?

Yes. Because you can question anything. The Work is here to open your mind, no matter what’s going on. It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care what situation you’re looking at.

Who would I be without my story, in that moment I was lying in bed with stitches in my leg from my cancer operation?

I’d notice when my estranged husband knocked on the door, with our two very young children, holding two-dozen pink roses.

We hadn’t been talking closely. He had left the marriage and we were on the way to divorce. And here he was, showing up while caring for our kids because of my surgery, bringing this gift of flowers. Caring.

Ah ha. I just found my turnaround inquiry.

Since this happened, the BEST thing that happened came next. Sweetness. A show of caring, when I thought he didn’t. (And we still got divorced, and that turned out to be a good thing too).

And so can I find a turnaround example for it being OK that my kids die?

Well….I wouldn’t have to worry about them going through global warming and suffering immensely because the earth is dying. I wouldn’t have to worry about them at all, in fact. They’d miss old age, which appears to be difficult at times (unless you do The Work of course). I’d be off the hook for leaving any inheritance. They’d enter the Great Beyond before I even did, wow. They’d get there without all this wondering and incessant seeking for Enlightenment and Truth.

This work is a little strange. I admit. Noticing your most resistant fears and thoughts about life.

But oh so worth it.

Because in the end, what I discovered I’m really worried most about it ME dying, if THEY died.

Me dying, however, may not be the troubling event I anticipate. Even if my body lived….my heart might mend in such a powerful way, I would recognize that what died was my ego, not love.

And just like my father who died so many years ago of leukemia, I’d notice he may not be here in physical form, but I think of him often, I consult with him, I feel his presence, he’s part of my DNA. So did he even die?

Who would I be without my story of WORST or BEST?

Unafraid. Free. Curious. Open.

“The Tao Te Ching says that the source of everything is called ‘darkness’. What a beautiful name (if we must have a name). Darkness is our source. In the end, it embraces everything. Its nature is love, and in our confusion we name it terror and ugliness, the unacceptable, the unbearable. All our stress results from what we imagine is in that darkness. We imagine darkness as separate from ourselves, and we project something terrible onto it. But in reality, the darkness is always benevolent.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Spring Mental Cleaning Retreat Seattle 2017 (Next retreat is Breitenbush in Oregon June 21-25, 2017 and Fall Retreat in Seattle is Oct 19-22, 2017)

Much love,

Grace

May 13, 2017

Eating Peace: What if I really do want to lose weight, but NOT with a diet (the eating peace way)?

Eating Peace is about experiencing an internal peace available to you, to everyone, no matter what emotions rise in you, no matter what kind of food is on the plate in front of you, no matter what you’re thinking about life.

We’re learning about how we move away from a centered sense of peace when it comes to food and weight, studying our minds and thoughts. What would compel us to eat off-balance?

It’s possible to question that reason, and stop over-eating.

So what happens if you begin to question your thinking and follow this approach to peaceful eating, and really start to discover those stuck places you feel sad, powerless, unhappy, bored, or frustrated–but you still want to lose weight?!

Here are the steps I suggest to return to, continuing to get clarity through observing yourself. Your like a scientist studying the most fascinating creature in your life: YOU.

1) Get Your Little Eating Peace Journal. Track the moments you eat beyond a 7 on the scale of 0-10 where zero is entirely empty and 10 is stuffed. Note them down on paper.

2) Track the times and types of food when you eat something that makes you physically feel poorly later, or heavy, or regretful. Write these down in your journal.

3) Open yourself to tweaking or changing what you eat–you could call it your personal just-for-you food plan–if you really want to lose weight.

4) Quit frightening yourself about deprivation or going without. Question your thoughts about NOT eating something (like pastries, or candy) or adding something to eat (vegetables, fruit) once you see what actually works for your body and what doesn’t work (and don’t be so sure it can’t change–you might find you CAN eat something with peace that you always thought you couldn’t).

5) If you continue to question your heavy, stressful thinking, and become lighter within, the body will follow. Do The Work of Byron Katie on the suffering you’ve experienced in your life, and foods, your body image, or your feelings, your self-criticisms.

6) Remember this is a process….an adventure of awareness and waking up to questioning what we believe to be true, and relaxing.

May 11, 2017

Leaving everything you know behind, one thought at a time

There’s nothing like the gathering of people who come together to learn and do The Work.

Yesterday was Day #1 of the four day spring cleaning retreat. The rain drizzled, then pattered on the roof, with bright round pink, white, magenta rhododendrons drinking up the rain outside.

I could feel the excitement beforehand of meeting people I’ve never met before, seeing old friends come again to do The Work.

And so, we began at the beginning. Finding a moment we felt disturbed by. A time of trouble that when we think about it now, we’re still sad, sore, angry, confused.

Everyone had a situation. Everyone could find what they thought about it, answering the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet that help us catch all the stressful, nasty, negative, terrifying, critical, frustrating, sad thoughts about just one situation.

We didn’t have to consider all of life, or everything we’ve ever been troubled by.

Only one situation.

You get to start with the one on top.

It doesn’t have to go fast. It doesn’t have to be too big a mouthful. It doesn’t have to be more than we can handle.

It can start where it starts. Just one moment in time you remember where that other person, thing, or place did something you didn’t like. It hurt.

It’s a wonderful way to not get overwhelmed, overstimulated, wildly full of expectation to change your entire world (or that whole relationship) and everything you’ve ever opposed (although you could be surprised by what happens, when you question just one situation).

The beauty I see and feel in the room, in everyone’s faces, when they begin this work together is so gorgeous. It reminded me once again of this profound poetry of David Whyte, read by him. The mystery of awakening.

Take a few minutes and listen today. Close your eyes.

Then, if something’s been bothering you, again….write it down. Ask four questions, turn it around.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come do The Work at Breitenbush! I love this retreat. It’s amazing to settle into the summer Pacific Northwest forest. It’s an emerald green fairy land. The cabins are so toasty warm, heated by the natural springs (the entire place is run on heat and electricity generated by the water). The beds are cozy. It’s pitch dark at night. The food is amazing. And there are none of the usual distractions like TV or internet or noise to distract you. A deep sinking-in place to soak in The Work. And soak your body in the mineral waters in between sessions. Join me. Call soon to get lodging before it fills.

May 9, 2017

Take a stand against self-hate when you go through a break up

Spring Retreat is completely full. I like to say “spring cleaning” retreat.

You can do spring cleaning retreat on your own mind no matter where you are, as you go about life. It’s nice to have you come to Seattle, but the wonderful thing about The Work is…it’s not required to go anywhere to do it.

You can stop somewhere, find a pen and paper or your favorite device, and begin by writing down your painful thoughts.

THEN….do The Work on one thought at a time.

The other day, several people shared that one place they feel stuck, sad, despairing, or frustrated is in the middle of a relationship.

A break up, irritation with your partner, not feeling attracted to someone anymore and feeling like you should be, divorce.

Now, finding something annoying about the person you’re living with can be difficult, like getting poked with a pin every time you once again observe it.

These thoughts are like mosquitos. Here they come again. Huff. “There he goes again with leaving his stuff all over the table” or “he’s so out of shape” or “she’s always eating my snacks” or “she shouldn’t be so impatient’.

But it seems when people share with me that a relationship, even with it’s quirks and faults, is OVER….

….they feel pretty dreadful.

Thoughts begin to appear like “I’ll be alone forever” or “no one really cares about me” or “he’s already moved on so fast, I must have meant nothing to him” or “she ruined my life by leaving”.

Whew, these are super intense.

Let’s take a look at a break up, and see if we can get a little spring cleaning done.

One of the most difficult things I realized, long ago when I was going through divorce, was that because I was no longer wanted as a primary partner….I concluded that it meant I was un-want-able.

Worthy of being left.

Because someone moves away from me, I did something wrong.

This can even happen with other close relationships, family, friends, children.

Is it true, that if someone leaves you, or ends the relationship, or doesn’t want to talk to you anymore….it means YOU are worthy of being left? Leave-able? Don’t deserve a relationship that remains intact?

No.

How could it possibly mean this? There are so many factors involved.

How do you react when you believe you actually deserve to be left, or somehow caused it, or made it happen?

I know this is going to sound a little harsh….but it’s kind of grandiose. Negatively grandiose, I know. But I realized, that break up over a decade ago wasn’t All-About-Me. I knew, when I really answered the question honestly, that someone leaving did NOT automatically mean I deserved it.

How do you treat that person, when you think you don’t want them to leave, or you need them to stay so you can still be worthy?

Ooooh. Yikes. I’m treating them like they are a precious diamond or some incredible prize or possession I can’t be happy without. Unhappy when they aren’t around. Happy only if they are.

It’s like being in a volatile prison. Everything’s hanging on what that other person does (coming, going) and I’m not here in my own business watching the world do what it does–which includes that person apparently “leaving”.

People can’t even die without me freaking out, when I believe them leaving means something about me. When people go, I never enjoy my own company.

So who would we be without this incredibly alarming thought that people have to stick around for my worthiness and feeling of deserving ease and support?

Wow.

You mean….I don’t have to depend on anyone staying? I don’t have to believe it means I did something wrong? Or I’ll be alone forever? Or I’m a loser?

Yes, what if this meant nothing about you? Who would you be without the story it’s YOU?

I found this as I did The Work during my divorce. I could see so many reasons why my former husband wanted out of a marriage and to move into a new paradigm, to stop the one-track road he had been on.

As I did my work, and explored who I’d be without my dreadful self-attacking thoughts….

….I could begin to genuinely find turnarounds too, without bitterness.

I am want-able; I’m here, I’m alive, I’m available
I don’t have to depend on someone’s presence to feel love
There is no deserve or not-deserve, I am simply alive and can love this moment no matter who is in or out of it
I’ll be connected and loved forever
everyone really cares about me
I was clinging and crying so fast, he must have meant nothing to me
she/he saved my life by leaving

I can find examples for every single one of these turnarounds.

My life is completely different because of the pain I experienced through break-up. It woke me up. I was in a nightmare when it came to what I believed about relationship and love.

Now, I feel free when it comes to relationship, partnership and love, almost all the time. I get the best of everything: a feeling of independence like being single, and a kind accepting partner to spend time with and laugh with.

I see there’s wonderful things about being all alone, un-partnered, and that “deserving” or “worthiness” have nothing to do with partnering. Except maybe if I feel unworthy to begin with, I’ll put out that vibe big time and people will get the message and leave. I felt that way during my previous marriage: full of doubt and self-criticism. His leaving was a perfect match to how I already saw me. We were on the same page.

I see with others who have left that I don’t have to be so distraught when they go. My father died long ago, for example, and I still feel his love and have little conversations with him all the time. I don’t need his body to be here to feel comfortable.

Who would you really be without your stories of alone-ness or having a partner or being “in” a relationship or being “out” of one?

Everyday we’re “in” then “out” of relationship. Life is moving and dancing all over the place. All day long, this very day, the man who is my husband was gone, nowhere to be seen (by me). I hardly thought of him. He was busy teaching kids. I was busy doing The Work with people.

Perhaps fully breaking up could be the same in the end.

Without me putting heavy, harsh, self-attacking meaning on people coming and going….I’m watching, feeling, loving, sharing, moving, holding still, crying, laughing, thinking, taking action, being a human.

“It’s confusing for someone to conclude that they aren’t loved because there is something wrong with them. This person, who is trying to become lovable spends much time, attention and energy trying to be good, earn approval, please others, be perfect.

And then, when they find that all that trying to be good doesn’t work, and doesn’t in fact get the love and approval they want, the only thing they know how to do is TRY HARDER.

If you can find the willingness to look, and take a stand against the scam self-hate has you caught in, the confusion will give way to clarity.”

~ Cheri Huber in There Is Nothing Wrong With You

All I know is, ending the self-hate scam and self-improvement efforts have freed up time to explore many more things in this world.

And also freed up time or awareness somehow, to notice the red leaves fluttering in the wind through the window, the flash of pale pink blossom between bright green trees, a child on her bicycle flying past the front door, the tapping of the keyboard, the silence behind my back, the willingness to die without having all the answers.

LOL.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Breitenbush! Come join us to question the thoughts that keep you in conditioned self-improvement scam stories. We need you for other adventures in the world. At least, that’s a thought going through this mind. And, I love you even if you’re stuck.

May 8, 2017

Eating Peace: Shame and Guilt….First, don’t fight or be against them

Guilt and shame are so debilitating, depressing, paralyzing.

Especially when it comes to weight, body image, eating, not eating.

When we get upset, troubled, frightened….it’s not so crazy to reach for food. It’s one of the pleasures of life.

But it doesn’t work as a painkiller–except temporarily.

And then after an over-eating session or a binge….ugh. The guilt, shame and horror at what you’ve done….AGAIN….is so horrible.

What if guilt and/or shame have messages that are important to explore?

Here are some questions you can answer, and ways you can work with shame, so that you can see something different besides paralysis, isolation, punishment, disgust or depression.

What’s going on when it comes to GUILT and SHAME?

Let’s find out. I share here some exercises to help you with shame and guilt.

May 7, 2017

When believing lies leads to suffering

I was very touched recently. Several people in Year of Inquiry approached me with an offer that they’d like to start a scholarship fund for people who need financial help attending Year of Inquiry, especially the live retreats in Seattle.

The year long program has two options; telesessions only (which include all the webinar presentations I offer every month) or the full, live program for those who come to fall and spring retreats.

Sometimes people sign up for telesessions only and hope they can come up with the funds for the in-person retreats. This scholarship help may be one way they can do it.

Even though YOI (Year of Inquiry) doesn’t start until September, I felt such a deep sense of gratitude and acknowledgement that people collectively think doing this work together as a practice is so powerful, they want to help others do it too.

Almost at the very same time of hearing of these generous participants’ desire to contribute to others, I also learned Year of Inquiry will offer credits to people interested in becoming a part of the Institute for The Work (ITW).

The Institute trains people in facilitating and doing The Work and those meeting all the extensive credits required inside ITW become Certified Facilitators.

Anyone enrolling and completing Year of Inquiry would receive the equivalent credits of a whole School for The Work plus 80 hours of partnering in The Work.

It may seem like a foreign language to you, if you’re not aware of Institute for The Work or you aren’t interested in certification….

….but I felt very moved by the endorsement.

It means people can begin to taste the practice of The Work by joining in with our little group, and if they’re really into it, can use Year of Inquiry as a diving board for further training.

But the most important thing about doing The Work and questioning thoughts, in the end?

It’s not the credit earned.

The thing I love most about gathering with others to wonder about concepts we hold, the beliefs we find troubling and stressful: I don’t have to do this work alone and rely on my own thinking to bring me clarity.

When alone, I’m not always aware of my biggest blind spots. I get tired, or bored, or the inner voice in my head gets to loud to hear myself think clearly.

Getting together with other people to do the four questions and find turnarounds is ingenious. It keeps the connection to inquiry alive. We’re in it together. Other people can do The Work when I’m too hopeless, or fatigued, to do it myself. I’m listening, and I still learn.

And we’re practicing together, over and over again.

You just do it. Like learning to ride a bike. You try, you fall, you swerve, you fall, you try again, you fall, you get on again, you start to pedal, glide, and relax.

And you keep going.

Maybe it’s like joining a gym. You’re not done, even if you’ve been a gym member at the same place for 15 years (like me). You just keep going, on rainy days especially. It becomes a way of life, a way of continuously practicing the movement you need to feel healthy.

I’m not sure where I’d be without having created Year of Inquiry, or the other shorter classes, programs, solo sessions and retreats I keep offering.

Everyone showing up is here to help me stay true to my favorite experiences in human life: awareness, transformation, contribution, service.

Now, if an entire Year of Inquiry is hard to imagine, there are shorter experiences you can join to hit the reset button or sink into a deep mental tune-up in your thinking.

One of the most beautiful ways, is to come to Breitenbush Hotsprings Conference Center in Oregon on June 21-25. Deep in a pristine old-growth forest, this is one of the most magnificent settings for investigating where you feel stuck.

Everyone stays in a beautiful warm cabin, or you can camp, stay in a tent platform, or reserve a dorm room in the lodge. Three meals a day are home-cooked, all vegetarian and exquisite. Get massage or body work, hike in the woods, visit the hot pools for a soak in the mineral waters. The air is fresh, the atmosphere quiet and profoundly peaceful, and the relaxation beyond measure.

Breitenbush has become a regular highlight of some peoples’ summers who return year after year to sit in their life-changing inquiry. We always have a whole handful of people who have been once or more to the School for The Work with Byron Katie in the past year.

But no matter where you live, what you’re able to do or join, how you’re able to travel or not travel….

….it appears my job is to continuously put Inquiry Practice on the calendar.

In just about every which way possible. Phone, computer link, donation-based monthly call, free meetups, in-person immersions, mini retreats, groups, videos, podcast, Grace Notes, recovery and eating peace process work, writing.

What I notice is, it’s not a requirement to question your thoughts in order to live.

But is it a requirement to question your thoughts in order to be peaceful, or joyful?

I don’t even know the answer to that question, at least not for anyone else.

For me, however, it appears that without investigating what’s running through my mind, if I’m just swallowing everything I’ve learned or been exposed to without curiosity….I’m living a very stressful life, full of suffering.

I’m almost putting salt in the wound, as they say. I’m practically giving fuel to my own suffering….repeating a conversation over in my head, assuming what someone else is thinking, imagining my demise whether sickness or death, feeling sharp, or bitter, or angry, or very sad.

What a nutty mind–so funny the way it keeps worrying about my survival, and getting anxious, or delivering “warning” messages.

But with The Work also running through my mind, heart and soul….

…I’ve got the best set of questions ever if my head replays that horror film from 1990.

Is it true? Can you absolutely KNOW it’s true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe what you think? Who would you be without this thought? What if you turned your belief around to the opposite?

Why am I experiencing so much pain? Because I’m believing a lie. If you’re lying in bed in the morning and you think ‘I want to get up, I should get up!’ and you then begin to experience fear and guilt…I invite you to just be there and try to make yourself NOT get up. It’s not possible. When it is time to get up, you get up. Not one second too early or too late. There are two ways to lie there, or get up, and one is in peace and the other is in stress.” ~ Byron Katie

If you want to move into this way of inquiry, without anyone telling you what to think whatsoever, and without any rules or regulations, or how you “should” be thinking or not thinking….

….step into this process called The Work. Your way. Your answers.

It couldn’t be anything but your own answers, if you want true peace.

Join me in this fascinating unknown mysterious adventure where we’re wondering what’s true and contemplating life and all it’s hardship and pain, and beauty.

Where we can question our stressful stories, and find, we just might be able to love what is, now.

Much love,

Grace

May 4, 2017

Don’t worry about progress….you’re already living your way to your answers

What are your top three stressful situations you’ve either already been investigating with The Work, or you find it daunting to even start with The Work….OR….you’ve done The Work on it a whole bunch and you still don’t feel so great about it?

Is it a Relationship? Money? Body? Health? Parenting? Adult child? Traffic? Your mom? Your job? Boss? Co-worker? Cancer? Someone else’s death or illness? Love? Romance? Shame? Addiction? Roommate? Employment? The weather?

All of the above?

LOL.

It’s OK to notice you feel NUTS when it comes to many situations, but one way to make it a little simpler for yourself it to identify your top three.

The reason I’m asking you?

I could write about it here in Grace Notes (I change names, gender, locations to protect the innocent)! I also love talking about whatever topic concerns us all on facebook live, and answer your questions

(In case you don’t know what Facebook Live is, it’s a way I can turn on my camera and be live on video on facebook and see all your comments and questions go by if you post right below the video WHILE I’m making it. I see your comments and shares on my screen! So amazing!)

So back to those top three most stressful situations that disturb you. I find there really are no new thoughts. None. If you think your situations are unique and especially rotten….someone else has experienced them. Maybe even me.

If you’ve had a situation you find repeats itself, over and over again, either because you’re remembering it constantly, or because it really does show up regularly and gets replayed with someone in your life….

….I’ve had this happen before, too.

I recall doing The Work many times on this one same person. He would do or say something, and here I was again, sitting down writing a worksheet furiously. Full of rage and calling him names on paper.

It was like nothing I could write would even come close to how upset I felt. Words, I was sure, weren’t strong enough for this. I had to DO something! It was TOO MUCH to handle!

Surely, with THIS jerk, questioning my thoughts wasn’t the answer. It had to be BIGGER than that!

Right?

People in Year of Inquiry were noticing this past week they could still have the very same kinds of thoughts as they did on their early First-Month worksheets they wrote last September.

It was powerful to talk about and find the troubling concepts about seeing these top-hit situations repeat themselves, like underlying core stressful beliefs that go with us everywhere.

And if you notice you have the same types of thoughts regularly, you might have additional stressful thoughts on top of these common ones that speak to you something like this:

You should be over it by now. You should be done with this dynamic. You should have changed. (You haven’t).

Is this true?

Are you absolutely sure?

How do you react when you believe you should be over one of these top three issues, that play over and over again like your favorite hit parade radio station?

I want to take a hammer to the radio and break it into bits! I feel so frustrated! I feel depressed, sad, hopeless. I want to give up on doing The Work. Goodbye cruel world!

But who would you be without the belief that your thoughts are not changing, you should be over it, you should be done with this particular repetitive thing, or that you haven’t changed a bit?

Oh. Wait. But.

Isn’t that why I’m doing The Work? Isn’t this all about becoming different, leaving my old beliefs behind, becoming a brand new person with a new mind?

Well….yes….and no, grasshopper.

Because while it IS a result of The Work, to find the beliefs you thought were true, aren’t, and be stunned at this realization. Or to begin laughing when you question something that’s terrified you for a year. Or to notice something that used to bug you like crazy, doesn’t one day.

But it’s not the “goal”.

The goal, if there is one, is to know the truth. For yourself.

And the truth is, sometimes you simply are not over it. Not yet. Not until you are.

Everyone has a mind. A brain that’s working to keep you safe and comfortable and run the body and log experiences into categories and make a note of the past so you can project into the future.

But it doesn’t have to run the entire show. Well, it can’t even if it tries.

And it’s OK if it repeats itself a few times (or a hundred thousand billion).

Turning your thoughts around about your Top Hit Stressful Beliefs:

You shouldn’t be over it by now. You should NOT be done with this dynamic. You should NOT have changed. (And maybe you have).

How could all this be just as true, or truer?

Gulp.

Well, it would truly be clear that I am entirely acceptable and accepted the way I am, by life itself, by reality. No brain transplant is required. Life doesn’t have to be different, including my “work” of self-inquiry….which maybe isn’t even “mine”. I could see I am capable of a peace beyond all belief, with just the mind and set of experiences I’ve had.

I’d realize and remember, once again, I am not in charge. Not of my own enlightenment, not of my brain, not of what is.

Wow.

Live the Questions

I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms, or books written in a very foreign language.

Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Really do hit reply and let me know your Top Three Stressful situations you noticing bring stress when you think of them. I’ll work them into my Grace Notes or FB Live. Grateful here, for your sharing.