As I got my suitcase from storage for a special trip tomorrow with my mom and 2 of my sisters, I noticed my mind jump around to many different images and pictures of airports, early morning, trains, new places, the unknown.
Then I read a text on my phone letting me know my favorite house I rent for many retreats is going away. No longer available to rent!
I suddenly become obsessed with finding a new place to hold October retreat, as I see the cancellation come through and a full refund. I look online, in between every client I meet with, all day.
(Don’t worry, by the way, those of you coming to the silent Being With Byron Katie retreat in July–that’s already a different house on Capitol Hill near Roanoke Park, it will be an awesome location and it’s all set).
I have to have this handled before I leave in the morning! Reservations! Must find! Now!
Have to.
Must.
Can’t rest without having it done.
LOL.
I notice I get laundry started, but I hardly work on anything else when I have breaks. I don’t continue to pack or prepare, or write my latest update for the upcoming Breitenbush retreat that’s nearing capacity.
How funny when the mind crunches down on a task, like a dog biting on a bone, and can’t stop.
It’s not like I couldn’t take care of it later, or even think about it or look into it while I’m on my trip.
What’s the worst that could happen? This is for October…that’s 5 months away!
I have this idea that I need to be task-free on this special long-awaited adventure. My family is going to see how much I think about working, writing, organizing, preparing. I won’t be able to fully relax. I don’t want to have this hanging over my head while vacationing with them.
Heh heh.
But is it true I need to get this thing taken care of TODAY?
Do you ever think something must happen NOW, the way you picture it in your mind, with no hitches or surprises or difficulties?
Is it really true, I have to take care of it? It has to get done? On my time line? Fast?
Sigh. No.
How do I react when I have the very tight, intense feeling it has to happen NOW?
I skip doing other things. I cut my gym visit short because….must get it done (as if 15 extra minutes would mean The Answer has a better chance of arriving). I avoid actually putting the clothing into the suitcase, taking library books back. I wait to leave for the store to get new un-torn sweatpants and hair conditioner that would be especially nice to have on the trip.
I’m weirdly nervous.
If that thing were handled, THEN I’d be relaxed and happy. This reaction to the need for something to be completed, handled or done can happen with all kinds of deadlines, and much larger scale projects for people.
No true rest until LATER….when it’s DONE.
Who would you be without this thought, though? Because it is pretty stressful to create so much pressure and narrow focus on this one thing, right?
Who would you be without this story, about anything in need of getting done?
I’d lie down on my bed, nice and comfy, with half-strewn clothing and partially dried things hanging on the doors, suitcase open but empty and stuff spread all over….and I begin to write this Grace Note.
Settling down.
Softer.
Kinder.
Noticing a deep and great excitement about this traveling adventure, so unusual with my sisters and mom. Thrilling.
Noticing the sounds outside of birds, the fresh air entering through the cracked open window, hearing the wind chimes.
If I go offline a bit and am absorbed by the new and unusual world around me while traveling, I won’t lose my mind or lose my awareness. I will check emails, I will take you all with me, I will be practicing The Work, I’ll be back well before Breitenbush happens June 21st.
Funny how a change in the routine can create this orientation.
But without the thought, life unfolds as it does, there is a calm even with planning, and nothing is fundamentally required.
Turning the thought around: Finding a new retreat house for October near my home is NOT necessary today (although it may happen–I just received a reply of YES to a great looking spot and my questions).
But there’s no urgency. No need to fret. It doesn’t have to happen.
How do I know? I’m breathing, relaxing, pausing, and all is very well indeed. It’s almost absurd to think something needs to be handled NOW, before it is. What’s the reality? A change in plans. Halleluia. It could be wonderful, not an emergency.
Wow, could this apply to everything?
Waiting in lines, needing to get a taxi or a bus, making any kind of reservations, finding a bathroom when you need it, needing to ask for directions, paying bills, getting a job, needing money, wanting someone to respond?
What if absolutely anything does not require nerves, stress, or suffering as you make the movements towards getting done whatever you notice needs to be done?
Another Turnaround: the retreat house needs to find me. Oooh, how fun is that? I put the word out (so fun) and wait. And keep going, if that’s what happens.
That thing needs to handle me. That incident, condition, need, want, desire, demand….needs to come to me, not the other way around. What a beautiful feeling of surrender, and gentleness.
Another Turnaround: I need to handle myself or my thinking, to get my thinking “done”, to find my own retreat home in the middle of anywhere I am.
Yes.
Ahhhhh.
And this breaking news just in: gorgeous manor so near my own little cottage it’s walking distance away (!) has just been discovered, and reserved for Annual Fall Retreat October 19-22 (arrive Oct 18 for those sleeping there). As the calendar moves, we’ll get to discover what really happens!
Now I can pack.
“The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come. She steps out of the way and lets the Tao speak for itself.” ~ Tao Te Ching #45
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Love to see you at Breitenbush where everything is completely handled by Not Me. What an incredible time to be in the company of others in support of questioning your thoughts, and changing your perceptions of reality. Declare Peace. Join us!