Author: Grace

Have you had the feeling sometimes that The Work just doesn’t work for you?

It’s too “in the head”, or you’re doing a worksheet on the same person over and over again without much shifting, or you don’t really get what the benefit of raking through the scariest things in your life can really do for you….

Sigh.

I’ve had some objections to the results of The Work or the idea of doing The Work.

And then I would hear other people share some of the same objections or reasons The Work wasn’t working for them.

Several years ago in Year of Inquiry, after six months of already being underway and everyone practicing The Work together, one of the members reached out to me.

“I suddenly realized, doing The Work might not be such a good idea. I think I should stop doing it. It seems unsafe to not have any stressful thoughts. I wish I had known this before I started in the fall.”

Of course we had a conversation and investigated the thinking behind this, gently, openly. Everyone is free and can move where they need to, no one has to do anything, and it was helpful to talk it through.

She was feeling like the solid ground of her beliefs she had always thought of as true about life, the world, relationships were eroding. She didn’t like the sense of uncertainty.

I was fascinated!

I could even relate.

Feeling fear is one of my own most uncomfortable experiences.

Who wants to be afraid?

Not me, no thank you.

I don’t like scary movies, Stephen King novels, or amusement park rides that flip you around all over. I also used to not like speaking in front of people, or talking to people much at all (very shy).

Except.

When I have this kind of orientation to experiencing a feeling, even the terrible feeling of fear….

….I am living my life carefully, cautiously. Anxiously.

I’m moving into places I feel safe in, and avoiding other places that make me nervous.

I’m believing those uncomfortable places are the things that are making me nervous, not my beliefs or perspective.

I’m sure I’m safe because I know where Not to go.

It feels like a constrained way to live. Like narrowing down my world into something bite-sized and manageable, not to new and crazy.

I realized along the way….the way out of this constraint is to question my beliefs.

In any situation, I can identify what frightens me about it, if I feel stressed, and then question that.

If I feel afraid, I know it’s an alarm clock going off, a moment to pause, watch, listen, open up.

It’s not comfortable to feel fear, but it happens. It’s a message. It has a role. It says “wait, listen, take a second look, watch”.

Instead of being afraid of feeling fear, or so focused on managing my life so it’s safe and comfortable, I could question the belief “feeling fear is bad”.

True?

No.

Feeling anything isn’t bad or wrong. Anger, resentment, disappointment, anxiety, sadness. These are feelings in the human condition. They happen.

Who would I be without my story that feeling fear is bad, and should be avoided?

Open to the risk of feeling fear.

Stepping out in the world to take it all in. Doing new things, going unusual places (if that seems right), talking to people all the time at a deep intimate level, wondering about the view I have of anything.

Questioning my fear doesn’t mean I jump off the roof, because I’m not afraid of falling. I’m aware the law of gravity appears to exist. I’m aware of the results and I don’t need to test them.

Who would I be without my story that I need to keep my stories so I don’t get into further danger that could be worse?

LOL.

Trusting. Being. Noticing the Great Unknown. Aware I really don’t get what’s going on here, but it’s all quite astonishing and amazing, and brilliant.

The second barrier I share in the Ten Barriers That Derail The Work workshop, is having Fear of Fear. That sudden feeling that I need to stop questioning something because it means….something dangerous, something worse.

The belief that I need to know, I need to hold onto my thinking, I need to grasp at the truth, I feel afraid of not knowing what’s true….so I’m going to stop inquiry.

I loved sharing the webinar yesterday with all those who attended. I’ll be offering it again tomorrow morning Thursday, August 21st at 9:00 am Pacific Time. Join me here.

At the end I share the outline of what we do in Year of Inquiry, a year long practice of The Work, and a wonderful program.

What makes the program so wonderful for me is we’re a group of kind, loving people sharing their honest fears about what’s happened in their lives, and then answering four questions about these moments.

What I’ve found is that nothing terrifying can really happen when we answer four questions and find turnarounds. It’s simply an experiment in looking at what we’ve experienced from every angle.

We’re studying our minds, our behaviors, other people, how we’ve seen the world when it hurts. We’re exposing our fears, and asking “is it true?”

I have so far found it very safe to do this.

“Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories….Who would you be without your identity?” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

I’m enjoying finding out. At least most of the time.

Looking forward to sharing Ten Barriers again tomorrow and two more final times next week before Year of Inquiry begins in September.

Much love,

In a moment, let’s do The Work on the belief: that person doesn’t care about me.

Ay me!

When we believe this thought we can feel so sad, disappointed, or angry, you know? Even mild irritation is a message to question the belief.

But first…a few upcoming events that are so close to deadline, I wanted to make sure you were aware, so you can join in if they’re right for you:

1) Today is the last day for early bird registration for fall retreat (this year near the gorgeous Poconos Mountains of Pennsylvania). We meet Oct 17-20. For more information or to register, head over here. We’ll all be sharing a beautiful lodge and there are good loft beds left but not in private rooms–some of the best retreats I’ve ever been on, to my surprise, were when everyone lay on sleeping mats in one big room to sleep. This is a beautiful place to do The Work together, step by step, family style.

2) If you’re wanting to heal from any time in your life DIVORCE or BREAK-UP or SEPARATION, Nadine Ferris France and I would love to have you, beginning this coming Sunday. We meet 11:00 am Pacific Time/2:00 pm Eastern/ 7:00 pm UK from August 18-October 13 (no class August 25th).

Nadine and I both went through marriages ending, and all the suffering that ensued…until we did The Work.

We love sharing the freedom that comes out of doing The Work on this issue with others. Every call is recorded so no need to attend every single one. We meet in a private special forum and really dive into The Work on the mindset that creates war, panic and despair when it comes to relationships transitioning in this way. Learn more or register here.

3) Year of Inquiry starts in a month. Overjoyed to begin this profound journey for another year with a new group of old friends and new. Join us! Read about it here. (And I’ll be offering info sessions on it soon, stay tuned).

A lot of opportunity to do The Work, to question the stressful and stressed-out mind.

Including the thought I mentioned at the beginning of this newsy Grace Note….when someone doesn’t care about you.

This is a thought some of us have had many, many times.

So the easiest thing to do is to pick just one situation with one person. A moment when you really recognized they weren’t caring about you.

God, a girlfriend, a husband, a sibling, your mother, your boss, the neighbor.

What they said, did, or did not do, what they acted like….it proves they don’t care.

A memory comes alive in me suddenly of being enraptured in the middle of watching the ballet “Cinderella” on the television at age 8. It’s a rare moment, I’m alone in the den of our big green house in Kansas for some reason, sitting in the big chair where my dad usually would sit if he were also watching.

Abruptly, my mother enters the room and turns off the television.

(I am so upset about not seeing the rest of the story, told in ballet form, that I still remember the crime to this day).

My mother is very angry. I get my marching orders to go to bed…now. 

Is it true she doesn’t care about me?

YES!

If she cared, she’d let me watch the whole program.

(Is that really true)?

No.

How do you react when you believe that person doesn’t care?

Furious. Put out. Angry. Sad. Feeling it’s Not Fair.

I remember being entirely and completely stuck in the belief that if she cared, she’d allow me to watch, and that it was my only time ever in history I could watch that program.

But who would I be without this belief, that caring = letting me do what I want?

I’d know right away she does care about me. I wouldn’t velcro together me getting my whole TV program with her caring.

I’d contemplate other ways to finish the program some day, instead of give up in despair.

Turning it around:

My mother DOES care about me. I don’t care about myself. I don’t care about her!

Easy to find that I don’t care about her at all. I imagine now, as an adult, that she might have been putting my 3 other sisters to bed (why was I alone watching TV, anyway–maybe the only time I can ever remember that ever happening in my life)? I have no recollection of anything else going on in the house–only MY story and entertainment that wasn’t ending happily.

I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t see how capable and able I was to experience disappointment, but not freak out. I was able to move on. Except my re-conjured up memory, I was totally fine and un-disturbed. I could change channels in the middle of something without dying…easy. It was uncaring of me to miss how all was well in the moment….not a disaster.

She did care about me. Of course she did. She even wanted me to go to bed, since it was night time, and get good sleep. She was wonderful that way. She was a guide, and offered stellar structure of self-care each day.

A little lightly and barely stressful memory just un-did itself in this inquiry today. It’s the type of not-very-stressful memory that I’ve never “worked” before with self-inquiry.

What I notice about caring, is when I believe it isn’t happening, even with the belief that I should care about myself (and I don’t) then I’m full of punishment and attack energy. To others, to me.

Undoing those thoughts is a profoundly brilliant experience. One by one.

Which brings me to the lovely conversation I had recently with Ernest Holm Svendsen, another Certified Facilitator of The Work who lives in Denmark.

So marvelous to hear about someone’s loving journey in The Work over the years.

Last weekend, I spent a few short days in the high mountains of Colorado. I took this photo at 12,000 feet above sea level where the air seemed thin.

The sky was wild and daunting.

This kind of threat can happen on the inside of our minds as well, in the landscape we call the inner world.

If you’ve ever meditated by sitting quietly without moving, closing your eyes, and not going to sleep….

….you might have noticed the mind is very stormy.

(Dang, no kidding, right?! Holy smokes. LOL.)

It starts screeching like a jungle full of monkeys, or a bunch of farm animals neighing and baying and honking and howling all at once.

And funny how the mind will change back and forth around using “I” and using “you” when it begins to think about who you are in various situations and it starts talking to you, on the inside of your own head.

“You should have said x” and “You shouldn’t have said y”. “I wish I did a” and “I can’t seem to do b”. 

Or even worse.

“You’re such an idiot! What the hell?! WHY did you say, feel, think, do THAT, of all things?!”

The voice is very vicious.

The other day, I suddenly remembered Byron Katie’s comment “victims are vicious people.”

And sometimes, we’re most vicious to ourselves.

The thing I’ve found immensely helpful, is sitting with the thoughts we have, this dreadfully abusive story, and questioning it….respectfully.

So, we’re not saying “I’m a horrible person because I am so mean to myself” (which is more of the same).

We’re not saying “I know it’s mean, so I’ll just Not Think it and try harder to be nice with my self-talk”. (Can you not think something you’re already thinking)?

We’re not saying “I know it’s not true”. (Too late, something within thinks it is).

We’re really contemplating this story of how horrible we are or we were in a situation.

Is it true you should have, could have been otherwise?

Is it true you shouldn’t have reacted that way?

Is it true you shouldn’t have such a mean, nasty voice against yourself?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know this is true, without a single shadow of a doubt? What’s the reality?

Oh.

Hmmm.

No.

How do you react when you think you have horrible outrageous self-talk that you need to fix?

It gets even worse. You feel like a victim of a really nasty perpetrator, in your own head.

So who would you be without this story that you should be nicer, talk nicer, feel nicer, generate more kindness to yourself?

Strange, right?

Aren’t we supposed to “think positively”?

I find it’s much easier to let the mean one be there than to fight it. It’s just a thought. It’s just an energy. It believes violence can make something happen, just like we all probably have at some point.

It’s just a voice of fear talking.

If I didn’t have the belief I should have a better-sounding voice on the inside of my head (when it’s a mean one talking) then I just might find a little humor about the voice. I wouldn’t feel so resistant.

I wouldn’t think something’s wrong with me.

TA: this voice SHOULD be here. Well it is, so apparently it should be. Did I invent it? No. (Chuckle).

The mean voice should be here because it helps me discover my own fears, it helps me see my ideas that believe violent energy and speech will assert change. It helps me see how that doesn’t work. It helps me notice how split I become, being both victim and perpetrator.

It also should be here because I can see it’s just a voice. It doesn’t “make” me do anything.

Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving til the right action arises by itself? The master doesn’t seek fulfillment. Not seeking, not expecting, she is present and can welcome all things.” ~ Tao Te Ching #15

When we notice this voice present for ourselves or towards others, it so often hurts.

There has to be another way.

Let’s question our war with any voice that condemns or criticizes anyone.

If you notice hurt, rage, resentment or worry about a partner who is leaving, ending the relationship, breaking up, moving away….you may love sinking into inquiry soon on Sundays 11:00 am Pacific Time online.

Divorce Is Hell: Is It True? with Grace Bell and Nadine Ferris-France, learn more and sign up here.

This past weekend, I was traveling in a most dramatic area of the world. Twelve thousand feet above sea level. Wild blue skies and howling wind. Aspens tree flickering. Sun burning.

Dramatic.

But not only because of the space and environment.

Yes, most people think its a dramatic area because the temperature can change 20 degrees in an instant if the rain clouds descend, and the elevation is so high in some places there are no trees and only sparkling granite and tiny plants that hug the earth tightly.

The place is dramatic to me because I spent lots of time there.

With my first husband. Who was born in the same state.

He left me in 2005.

While on the trip, I watched the images rush through my mind of sad times, happy times, connection with his family, thinking I should have appreciated him more, feeling soooo nostalgic.

I even said some of his words and jokes out loud.

They popped in as associations from all those previous visits to his family, his stomping grounds, his past where I learned so much from him about his life….as we do when we’re dating and falling in love and marrying.

How odd to notice the entire arch of the relationship didn’t go anywhere near what I would have expected.

I suppose we never do expect divorce.

So is it true he didn’t support me? Is it true he left me (the never-ending repetitive story that isn’t actually 100% true)?

No.

Who would I be without this thought, even as I remember him like he was sitting right next to me?

Noticing the sameness of the town, the road, the red cliffs, the dry air.

Noticing the different place, the new large hotel room where I was staying, the current friends I met there, the loving husband I had at my side (my second husband).

Without any thought about what was “support” and what wasn’t “support” I was watching, entranced with the fascinating current updated story.

Turning the thought around: I didn’t support myself, I didn’t support him, he DID support me.

Wow, I can so find examples for all of these.

I didn’t support myself when I said I couldn’t handle him leaving, that I couldn’t make it on my own, that I couldn’t be successful, that I’d never love again.

I didn’t support him when I didn’t ask him how he really felt, but isolated and shut down, and went off on other weird and unusual adventures and retreats (they were all useful).

He DID support me by doing what he did. I came out stronger, more clear, more appreciative…and in fact I can now consider his departure which felt so difficult as one of the most key highlight important points of my entire life.

I learned to stand on my own two feet. I woke up to reality in so many ways.

I can’t thank that man enough, the one who divorced me. He supported me to do what I always wanted to do: calm down.

(If you’d like to view my facebook video on this work from yesterday…head to my page Work With Grace and watch. The link is right here.

“We say be with me! Be with me! That’s not unconditional love, that’s taking prisoners…..I invite you to wake yourself up.” ~ Byron Katie