Navigating the muddy waters of self-hatred and criticism

Last weekend, I spent a few short days in the high mountains of Colorado. I took this photo at 12,000 feet above sea level where the air seemed thin.

The sky was wild and daunting.

This kind of threat can happen on the inside of our minds as well, in the landscape we call the inner world.

If you’ve ever meditated by sitting quietly without moving, closing your eyes, and not going to sleep….

….you might have noticed the mind is very stormy.

(Dang, no kidding, right?! Holy smokes. LOL.)

It starts screeching like a jungle full of monkeys, or a bunch of farm animals neighing and baying and honking and howling all at once.

And funny how the mind will change back and forth around using “I” and using “you” when it begins to think about who you are in various situations and it starts talking to you, on the inside of your own head.

“You should have said x” and “You shouldn’t have said y”. “I wish I did a” and “I can’t seem to do b”. 

Or even worse.

“You’re such an idiot! What the hell?! WHY did you say, feel, think, do THAT, of all things?!”

The voice is very vicious.

The other day, I suddenly remembered Byron Katie’s comment “victims are vicious people.”

And sometimes, we’re most vicious to ourselves.

The thing I’ve found immensely helpful, is sitting with the thoughts we have, this dreadfully abusive story, and questioning it….respectfully.

So, we’re not saying “I’m a horrible person because I am so mean to myself” (which is more of the same).

We’re not saying “I know it’s mean, so I’ll just Not Think it and try harder to be nice with my self-talk”. (Can you not think something you’re already thinking)?

We’re not saying “I know it’s not true”. (Too late, something within thinks it is).

We’re really contemplating this story of how horrible we are or we were in a situation.

Is it true you should have, could have been otherwise?

Is it true you shouldn’t have reacted that way?

Is it true you shouldn’t have such a mean, nasty voice against yourself?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know this is true, without a single shadow of a doubt? What’s the reality?

Oh.

Hmmm.

No.

How do you react when you think you have horrible outrageous self-talk that you need to fix?

It gets even worse. You feel like a victim of a really nasty perpetrator, in your own head.

So who would you be without this story that you should be nicer, talk nicer, feel nicer, generate more kindness to yourself?

Strange, right?

Aren’t we supposed to “think positively”?

I find it’s much easier to let the mean one be there than to fight it. It’s just a thought. It’s just an energy. It believes violence can make something happen, just like we all probably have at some point.

It’s just a voice of fear talking.

If I didn’t have the belief I should have a better-sounding voice on the inside of my head (when it’s a mean one talking) then I just might find a little humor about the voice. I wouldn’t feel so resistant.

I wouldn’t think something’s wrong with me.

TA: this voice SHOULD be here. Well it is, so apparently it should be. Did I invent it? No. (Chuckle).

The mean voice should be here because it helps me discover my own fears, it helps me see my ideas that believe violent energy and speech will assert change. It helps me see how that doesn’t work. It helps me notice how split I become, being both victim and perpetrator.

It also should be here because I can see it’s just a voice. It doesn’t “make” me do anything.

Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving til the right action arises by itself? The master doesn’t seek fulfillment. Not seeking, not expecting, she is present and can welcome all things.” ~ Tao Te Ching #15

When we notice this voice present for ourselves or towards others, it so often hurts.

There has to be another way.

Let’s question our war with any voice that condemns or criticizes anyone.

If you notice hurt, rage, resentment or worry about a partner who is leaving, ending the relationship, breaking up, moving away….you may love sinking into inquiry soon on Sundays 11:00 am Pacific Time online.

Divorce Is Hell: Is It True? with Grace Bell and Nadine Ferris-France, learn more and sign up here.