The other night, my husband and I got in the car as the sun set, on a glorious warm spring evening here in Seattle.
We were headed for an annual event, a great friend’s birthday party–always lively, full of music, dancing, conversations, costumes, re-connecting, joking.
And then I said….”Wow, I’m kind of tired. I’d almost rather stay home and rest and hang out with you.”
I had been on a road trip that very day, driving a couple of hours to another town with my daughter and mom to tour the same college I graduated from–a bit of a memory-lane experience for me. My daughter was accepted there, but not so sure she wanted to attend.
It had been an emotional day, a day full of feelings, long-forgotten images.
I had told several other friends, who always went to this big shin dig every year, that I wasn’t guaranteed to be there, because of this college visitation day.
I knew after a long day on the road, heading out for a party might not be on the top of the self-care list.
Right when I suggested out loud about not going…..my husband said “Really? Well, if you don’t want to, I’m COMPLETELY happy to turn this car around and go back home.”
Six minutes later, we were back home.
We were both asleep by ten o’clock.
At 2:30 am, I woke up thinking about my former life in college and what a strange, uncomfortable, self-destructive, anxiety-ridden time it had been, whether or not my daughter would be OK if she attended the same school, all the fun I missed at the party that night and the people I didn’t get to see, the final IRS payment I needed to make for taxes, my upcoming Eating Peace retreat next week.
Fortunately for me…..I could feel the Not-True-ness of the wee-hours thoughts, and I soon fell back to sleep again.
But it reminded me of how painful it used to be to think I made the wrong decision.
- I should have gone to a different college
- I should have been more mentally healthy when I was in my twenties
- I should have gone to that party last night
- I should have chosen a more solid career earlier in life
- I should have married an entrepreneur long ago, or a playwright
If you’ve ever thought you made the wrong decision, it can be a horrible feeling if you think the consequences or outcome is BAD.
Not long ago, a young woman wrote to me saying she needed help, she was filled with such regret about saying “no” to a man who asked her to marry him.
He went on to get married to another woman.
Her heart was broken, she said she felt desperate, devastated, like she’d made a terrible decision.
But who would she be without her belief her decision was “wrong”?
Who would any of us be without the belief that our past decisions were the “wrong” decisions?
What if we truly didn’t know? What if it was not true? What if it went the way it went for a very important reason?
Who would you be without your story that it should have gone differently, and YOUR DECISION was the cause of your suffering?
Even though you have a voice, and you did say “no” and you were the one who walked away, or you were the one who chose (apparently), you were the one who said “yes”, you were the one who did or didn’t follow a path, you were the one who turned left….
….who would you be without the belief this was all up to you.
This doesn’t mean it was someone else’s fault suddenly. This is more like, who would you be without it being anyone’s “fault” at all?
What if it should have gone just as it went?
Can you find anything, whatsoever, coming out of that decision and how things unfolded, that benefitted your life?
I notice, when I look at what resulted from my decisions, and trust the way life ran itself, many good things came from every choice (and I’m not sure it was ever “me” solely choosing anything, to be honest).
That college gave me support, kindness, and attention that no other more competitive environment had given me. I graduated. I grew more honest. I dated a very loving boyfriend. I had an amazing therapist who lived in the town of that college who taught me the art of journaling to get to know myself.
My mental suffering led me to a passion so deep for understanding the human condition, I was lit up with learning ever since. My career was awakening, what could be more thrilling, and why would I want anything more solid?
I should have married exactly who I did, and NOT married exactly who I did not. I should have married myself (the practice of a lifetime, and pure joy to be married to “me” now).
I should not have gone to that party the other night.
It was a beautiful, restful, gentle night of silence, wondering, making peace with my college days, making friends with thinking, meditating in the night, spending time with my life partner husband in great connection, watching the rest of Mooji (one of my favorite teachers) miraculously on video even though he was in India and I was in Seattle, feeling the space of inner peace deep, deep within, feeling grateful.
Can you find, in this present moment, what is OK about it, no matter what decision you ever made?
YOU made that decision, is it true?
“When you believe you can make the wrong decision…you’re in past, future, past, future…don’t worry about the present, just past, future, past, future!….The universe will give you what you need. There are soooo many advantages. If you’re of sound mind, how could you possibly believe you made a mistake?” ~ Byron Katie video clip youtube
Every thought somehow, lately, feels less true than ever, and fading into oblivion.
Without this moment having anything wrong with it–including a past decision?
Presence, here now. Life. Joy. It is a feeling in the very center of anything that could be thought.
Can you feel it?
Much love, Grace