Byron Katie has a wonderful exercise in her book I Need Your Love–Is It True? that I adored doing the first time I read it. Here is the exercise:
“Think of someone you want to impress, or whose love you really want, or who you’re afraid of displeasing or who you think has power over you.
Now imagine having a cup of tea with this person. Imagine that during this time, you don’t make the slightest attempt to influence his or her mental life. Imagine that all you want is to let them have their thoughts, their tea, and their experience.
What does it feel like to sit in the presence of that person in this way? What do you notice about how it feels to be you? What do you notice about the other person?”
I pick a spiritual teacher who has a huge following, someone many people admire and receive help from about very deep and profound issues. I admire their work enormously. Many people all over the world know their name. I can hardly imagine having tea with them.
I notice first, without the need to impress in any way, that my body feels much calmer, more relaxed, open. I notice I look directly at this interesting person, and they are looking at me. I notice thinking about myself at first that I have nothing really to offer…..and awareness that I thought I should have something to offer.
I notice thinking that I should ask them some questions, perhaps about my personal spiritual practice. It seems sort of ridiculous, though, without wanting to impress or displease or be attended to.
If I were really not making one single drop of an attempt to influence this person, I notice silence, and maybe joyful questions coming out of this silence. I would ask the questions, if they arose. I notice feeling a smile come to my face, so delighted.
If I really were not trying for anything, everything is paused. I notice, there is not really a ME here that needs anything at all. Strange, emptiness. Perhaps neither one of us speaks.
And I stay with myself, neither trying to please or not trying to please. Just there. Moments of thinking “wow, this person I have so admired, right there in a chair across from me”. Yet, I am here, no need for anything, without trying to “get” something from them, including recognition.
“As you identify less and less with the “I”, you will be more at ease with everybody and with everything. Do you know why? Because you are no longer afraid of being hurt or not liked. You no longer desire to impress anyone. Can you imagine the relief when you don’t have to impress anyone anymore? Oh, what a relief. Happiness at last!”~ Anthony deMello
What a magnificent way to live in that moment, having tea, seeing everything around this “me” that apparently is sitting in a chair, with eyes looking out. Table, cup, sky, sounds of birds, smells of flowers, tea, cooking.
Who knows, in this delighted, grateful, relaxed place I might hear THEM ask ME some questions. I notice they really love being here with me, without anyone trying to impress anyone else or help anyone else or accomplish or achieve something.
Without the thought that I need to influence, be remembered, gain anything……I am leaving everything alone, leaving it the way it is. It’s actually hilarious. Here comes laughter!
I would love to hear what comes to you when you do this exercise! Please head for the blog post of this same article at Grace Notes at Work With Grace and share what you imagine, what it feels like, what you notice and learn. Can’t wait to see what you post below!