The spring air was sweet, the rhododendrons bursting with ecstatic pink and red colors, the green everywhere all vivid and boisterous.
I went to a special event with my 17 year old daughter where someone showed up in the row in front of us who I went to college with, someone else in the same row recognized me from a long ferry ride six years ago, an old neighbor ran into me at the end in the aisle. I loved being there, the air was happy.
My daughter and I grocery-shopped and exchanged comments on how much we loved that store, everybody smiles there! So homey!
All was well!
Until…
….a little after returning home.
After happily unpacking groceries, checking emails, and doing a few other tasks, I went out to the garage looking for my husband, to say hello and see how his morning went.
When I opened the door of the garage, the loud sound of hockey on the TV, a container of friend chicken mostly eaten, an empty bottle of coke on the desk.
Instant thought: this is a waste of time and health.
Heh heh.
The moment washed through me and left as quick as a flash flood, but I remember a time when I would enter this kind of scene and act like I was under some kind of attack in the middle of a war zone, my judgment and defense was so up.
On the inside of course, I wouldn’t run screaming from the room and hide under a table. But you would think I’d been very seriously threatened, the way I was all fuming up on the inside with anti-TV and anti-junk-food commentary.
Here are some questions to ask yourself, to dissect that irritated moment and look more closely: When you see that situation, why is it bad? What’s wrong with that behavior, that scene, that person doing those things? What’s the worse that could happen, if it continues? What does it mean for you?
In my situation, it meant nothing creative is occurring, health is being jeopardized, time is being “wasted”.
Why should that person change? How would it make your life easier? Don’t immediately feel embarrassed for being selfish or hyper-critical…listen to yourself closely.
Then investigate with The Work.
The lists of needs that people have for their partners can be insanely long. People get really squirrelly about this, like even if they are seeking a mate and they are single.
I need my partner to never waste time, have good taste in music, clothes and art, eat well, maintain excellent health, be patient at all times, be creative, be successful, be wise, wealthy, unusual, spiritual, cutting edge, good conversationalist….you may have your list unconsciously placed in your mind and not even know it.
But that’s what you need…..is it true?
No.
If you answered “yes”, see if it’s absolutely 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt.
How do you react when you think someone should be like “x” and they are not? Or you can’t even find a person who is “x”?
Annoyed, irritable, fuming, critical and vicious. Maybe even sad, disappointed and isolating.
Once I knew a woman who had complained about her husband for 15 years. Every time I talked with her, she confided in me the same complaint.
He was always passive, not romantic enough, a workaholic, bland and lacked passion.
Who would you be without the thought that the behavior you’re witnessing is bothersome, in any way whatsoever?
Yes, really.
If you never thought that was wrong, a waste, troubling or bad…for you or for them.
Pretty amazing, pretty fun. No need to control, harp, get upset, and a lightness within, a return to your own inner self.
Without the thought, I get to come back to me and simply see what I prefer in this moment. I don’t need to make anyone agree with me, I just move out of the room, or the thoughts unravel themselves and I notice how fun this game is, how playful the atmosphere.
Turning the thought around…
My thinking is a waste of time and health, not his behavior.
Yikes!
“The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.” ~ Byron Katie
The thing is, I can love with all my heart, and it doesn’t mean I need to watch hockey. But if I do, I could be surprised and curious, and enjoy it or learn something new.
Without any time and joy-wasting thoughts that I need to see certain qualities (or, I demand certain qualities) the freedom is so immense, it’s incredible.
I give up the imaginary person and notice the real one instead.
The real husband in my particular situation is one of the most happy, loving, joyful, accepting, wise people I’ve ever known. And he shows me what playing, relaxing and being looks like.
“Sanity doesn’t suffer, ever. A clear mind is beautiful and sees only its own reflection. It bows in humility to itself; it falls at its own feet. It doesn’t add anything or subtract anything; it simply knows the difference between what’s real and what’s not. And because of this, danger isn’t a possibility.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace