The Safety of Silence When You’re Creeped Out

I want to stop thinking!!!  

Last night I had the rare experience (for me) of turning off the light to go to sleep, and then listening, waiting, seeing pictures floating in my mind, thinking about the Horrible Food Wonderful Food workshop and the cool new exercises, wondering about the neighbors, my schedule of clients the next day, that email I should have replied to.

It was weird, like a little machine was humming.

I know this is not uncommon, many people even feel concern about not being able to go to sleep fast. Most of my life, I’ve gone to sleep in like one minute, literally.

But last night, it was like I was excited!

I remember being fully awake in the middle of the night during a weekend retreat with Byron Katie on relationships.

Yikes. 3 am.

That time, I wasn’t really what I would call excited. It was more like worried, ruminating, anxious….OK, terrified.

Back then, it felt like hours of tossing and turning, and knowing my good friend was in the other bed and I didn’t want to wake her up by turning on the light. I kept looking at the red digital clock.

Lying there in the dark, feeling, thinking, imagining…..I was not identifying clearly what it was that was bothering me. I kept seeing various life issues of concern, mostly around past important relationships, present themselves.

Time to get up.

Because doing The Work in your head, I found soooo many times, is not really doing The Work. Mind is just too quick to get there, if there’s a hitch.

In the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with the lid closed shut, notebook on my lap and pen in hand, I began to write.

Writing down your thoughts, different things happen with the process of thinking.

You might think you’re working with the same mind. But it slows something down. Like breathing more deeply and slowly. Things can change in unexpected ways.

After scribbling wildly for what felt like another hour, checking the time again, hearing the deep breathing of my sleeping roommate still….

….I picked one thought: He is dangerous, he gives me the creeps. 

I started writing out my answers, even though my mind wanted to speed into this faster than a tornado. Even though the mind was commenting “writing is so slow, this is stupid, you’ll never learn anything, go faster, I’d rather do this work with Katie.”

 

I could also hear the turnarounds. I’d rather do this work with myself, this is going just the right speed, I am learning something right in this midnight moment, slow down.

Back to the thought.

Is it true that he is dangerous and creepy?

Yeah! He leaves cryptic messages. He’s sneaky. He’s unpredictable.

Can I absolutely know it’s true?

 

No. Not at all. I don’t even know him all that well. Weird. Why am I doing The Work on this right now? Don’t you have other better things to do the work on, like your divorce?

Back to the questions (after a five minute interlude staring into the bathroom mirror).

How do I react when I believe someone is creepy or dangerous?

How does it feel?

Like heightened alert mode. Tense. I avoid the area where he might go. I notice this kind of feeling inside with anything that’s “creepy”.

But who would I be without that story?

Lots of people will say that without the story, I’d be unsafe. I need to be worried about creepy people so I don’t get hurt.

But are you sure that if you have no concern, no repetitive anxiety, nervousness, or defensive shield that you won’t know not to go down a very dark alley?

It’s not denial. It’s crystal clear clarity. It’s not playing games, it’s trusting that your radar is guiding you.

Something perhaps OTHER than mind.

I turn the thought around, and this can be done on anything you think of as creepy: he is not dangerous, my mind is dangerous, I am dangerous.

I try that on. It feels lighter.

Well, sort of. You don’t need to berate yourself about it. It’s just noticing that you scare yourself, so who’s the dangerous one?

I notice I’m in a bathroom, all by myself, with bright lights and a pen and paper. I’m extremely “safe” except for my own thinking.

“Ultimately all fear is the ego’s fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind-identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Could it be just as true that some part of me wanted to keep thinking? Was that part of me afraid to let go of being identified with the mind?

It could happen.

“When the mind is free of all of its content, all of its conditioned thinking, it enters into the solitude of silence. That silence can only arise when one sees the limitations of one’s thinking. When one sees that his or her thoughts will not bring truth, peace, or freedom, there arises a natural state of silence and inner clarity. And in that silence there is a profound solitude…” ~ Adyashanti 

Yes, it is happening. Right now.

Right now.