Those people are sooooooo slow. The traffic is moving like molasses. I hate waiting. This is taking tooooo long.
Have you ever been bugged when someone else makes these kinds of statements?
The other day, I was working with a wonderful inquirer who had some thoughts about the way her husband complained about the traffic.
HE was the one with the stressful thoughts like the ones above. About slowness.
And he should stop saying those thoughts out loud. Boring, unnecessary thoughts.
With frustration in her voice, she exclaimed “We didn’t even have to be anywhere soon, we were going shopping as a family! He should stop barking about something so stupid as traffic!”
I had to chuckle to myself. Because I’ve had that thought!
That person should stop complaining, stop being so negative, get their act together, stop fussing about traffic (or whatever), calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.
Really, they’d be better off. I’m sure of it.
Pause.
Are you really sure?
Yes! So annoying!
Can you be absolutely positively sure, though? Is it entirely true that they should stop complaining about that? Are you sure their life would be better, or yours?
Well…I think so, to be honest. Without all that fussin’ it seems like they’d be happier.
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Arggh. The split second their complaint is uttered I have my own, er…I guess that would be a complaint…
….oh. heh heh.
Like there’s a rush of energy that is against, resisting, defending, not wanting to HEAR those words, that noise, that tone.
But who would I be without any of these thoughts? The person utters their comment, they look distressed or flustered or upset, and I don’t have the thought that they shouldn’t be?
Hmmm. It sure does stop the mechanism of either fixing, helping, addressing or also being concerned in the same situation.
Yes, I notice a spacious feeling. A tenderness towards that person. And a detachment, a freedom from an old way of being with someone who is apparently unhappy.
I might notice, without the thought that they shouldn’t be complaining, that I listen. I wait. I hear that they wish things would go faster. They may feel afraid, worried, sad.
I may be moved to reach over and squeeze their hand. Or remain quiet. Or move away to something else.
I turn the thoughts all around: they shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about them complaining, I should stop being so negative about them, or about myself, I should get my act together in their presence (great practice!), I should stop fussing about their fussing about traffic (or whatever), I should calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.
Phew! True!
“For me, no one is too tense. They’re as tense as they need to be. Obviously, perfectly….How does it feel to give someone something without the thought that we have to please them? So we give something and our story keeps us from realizing our goodness. I hand you the cup and I tell the story ‘she’ll like me if I do that’. But if I just hand you the cup, without that story, I feel my service, my goodness and my dedication to you.” ~ Byron Katie
When I question my story that you should stop complaining so that I can feel better, I may hear your words, and serve.
Automatically. Without thought.
“How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are. As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti
Thank you, complainers, for showing me the way.
Love, Grace