One of the top tricky little sneaky thoughts that I experienced living as a whole strategy for managing neediness has been: “I just won’t NEED that thing I have been needing. I’ll go without it. No problem!”
It’s actually pretty amazing to discover that you do not in fact need something that appeared to be necessary for physical or emotional survival.
But then….if you sink your teeth into that new discovery and try to apply it to every situation where you feel a drop of neediness….you may suddenly realize one day that it’s not working anymore.
Because it’s a strategy. It wasn’t true surrender for me.
I was the Queen of Not Needing.
I don’t need a partner, I don’t need food, I don’t need drugs (even pain medications), I don’t need money, I don’t need a past, I don’t need a future, I don’t need school, I don’t need a degree, I don’t need to talk.
It was a quiet week day during the summer months. I had dropped out of college because I was trying to win the prize for Not Needing food (you may know this story from other Grace Notes).
I was reading everything I could get my hands on about consciousness. It was the beginning of my self-help book exploration (and I’m so glad people have chosen to write about their transformations and help others understand themselves).
Somewhere I read that there really is no past. It’s over.
And my mind jumped from that conceptual and philosophical idea…..to gathering all the photos, yearbooks, baby pictures, scrap books, greeting cards, files and items that were collections of Past Memories in my bedroom…
….and deciding they need to go!
I don’t need any of that! The past is over! I am cleaning the slate! I’m starting from ZERO! Today I’m reborn!
There’s a scene in a movie called Little Man Big Man where the old native grandfather climbs up to a high cliff, believing that he’s going to die. He says the famous line “today is a good day to die”. He lies down on the earth and assumes the position, flat on his back.
And he lies there, and lies there. It starts to rain and the drops are hitting his face.
He sits up. Hilarious. Nope. Not going the way he thought. Still here.
That summer afternoon at age 20, I took all photos that I possessed, all scrap books, my high school year books, the cards from boyfriends or best friends, notes from my parents, flyers from events I attended, saved tickets, mementos…
…and I drove them in boxes to the city dump.
I watched them fly through the air into the huge piles of garbage far below. Never to be seen again.
I gave away almost everything I owned to friends and family, keeping only the clothing and a few items I absolutely loved.
I waited. Oh.
I still have memories. The past still exists….in my mind. Still here.
But it wasn’t terrible. I got what was here, inside, that was not attached to anything that could be possessed.
I don’t regret doing that dramatic thing.
However, I also learned that discovering “I don’t need it!” is not always honest. And you can’t force it, when it is not actually true.
Today, I am totally 100% in favor of food, water, shelter, clothing, medical attention, money, and contact with people. I absolutely love them all!
Back when I was 20? I was imagining that I was against them all, or trying to be.
Who would you be without the thought that it’s bad, difficult, or painful to want something with enormous passion?
Who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t want that yummy food? I wouldn’t condemn myself for wanting it. I’d start asking people if they had any food! I’d eat with gusto and pleasure.
Who would I be without the thought that it’s painful to want more money? I’d have a blast enjoying the pursuit of money.
Who would I be without the thought that I need to avoid needing?
Free to need, if I do….and not need, if I don’t. Free to be myself HONESTLY. I love trusting my natural responses.
“If you open yourself to the Tao, you are at one with the Tao and you can embody it completely. If you open yourself to insight, you are at one with insight and you can use it completely. If you open yourself to loss, you are at one with loss and you can accept it completely. Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23
If you notice subtle, but tricky, strategies for dealing with your uncomfortable relationship with money, and with NEEDING it, then join us next week on Thursday mornings! Register HERE.
With Love, Grace