Yesterday I saw several medical people, including a surgeon, about this injury I’ve been mentioning.
But today I am not talking about the injury, it’s about another interesting thought that began to invade, while thinking about appointments, hospitals, procedures, xrays, having pins put into bones, and what was going to happen next.
(I’m not getting surgery quite yet, outcome still uncertain).
Last night as I went to bed, I had the thought “what if I don’t even have surgery, at all, for this injury?”
Then just on the heals of that thought, embarrassment.
Like, wait. Everyone thinks I was going to get surgery and that I’m in dire straits, and now….I might just have a chronic injury that’s not getting better, but there may be time to wait and try a experimental injection, and perhaps other alternatives.
Someone very dear had brought me a care package. Someone else was drumming for me. A local church had me on the prayer list. Many people were sending wonderful wishes on facebook.
But what is this uncomfortable feeling?
A little like when a woman says she is pregnant, and receives many well-wishes, and then has a miscarriage.
I’ve had friends before who have had this not uncommon experience.
Some women ride along with it, talk with others, hash out what they imagine will happen next, visit the doctor, try to get pregnant again.
But some women feel…..embarrassed.
Like they shouldn’t have said anything yet. Like the well-wishes were unfounded, not necessary somehow.
NEXT TIME, they say, they won’t tell they’re pregnant until they are well into the fifth month, or whenever is “safe” to make the announcement.
The stressful feeling descends in….for me I felt undeserving, kind of guilty. I was mistaken.
- I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions based on one doctor’s advice
- People are worried for me unnecessarily
- I’m too much of a nervous ninny
- I’m receiving support that I don’t deserve
- What a whiner, this pain isn’t THAT bad, I should have realized this
- I overreacted
- People are giving me attention I’m unworthy to receive
- People should help someone else in greater need
Oh, the sinking yuck feeling. Shameful almost.
Let’s take a look at these beliefs and investigate.
Is it true, that I overreacted, I shouldn’t have spoken up, I did it wrong, that I’m not suffering enough to deserve all this attention, focus, support?
Yes! I got carried away in reading on the internet, taking the first doctor’s advice very seriously, jumping to conclusions before having all the information.
I’m not in as bad condition as I thought. That isn’t good. That is BAD. I’ve misled myself and everyone else! God, what a loser!
Deep breath. Really? Can I know absolutely that all this is true?
No. I didn’t know before. I had no idea there were so many differing opinions about my injury. I don’t know if I’ve done it wrong. It’s not true that I am unworthy, or that I’m undeserving. Maybe I’m a nervous ninny, that’s OK.
I never had this happen before–the pain kind of worries me.
But I should be ashamed of myself? No.
“Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me, that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection.” ~ Brene Brown
How do I react when I believe the thought that I revealed myself, in that moment, with fear and trepidation, received mountains of incredible support, and now…things are looking a little different.
It’s my fault.
Like getting a diagnosis of cancer, and then finding out it was a false positive.
Why can’t you relax??
How do I react? Embarrassment, shame, confusion, worried about what people will think.
So who would I be without the thought that I should have kept my medical condition to myself for the time being, that I shouldn’t have complained about my pain in public?
I would actually laugh. I would feel the fun of watching thoughts come and go, like a roller coaster ride.
I would notice how human I am, and how I think I’m supposed to know everything before it even happens, and that I got really scared in the last couple of days about surgery and photos of that surgery.
I would see how when I feel pain physically, my mind jumps up and starts working on it ASAP to find relief, and a conclusion, and an answer. This is sort of natural. It’s part of biology.
I turn the thought around: it is a good thing that I responded the way I did? That I reached out for support?
Can I find that to be just as true?
- I should have jumped to conclusions
- People are NOT worried for me unnecessarily
- I’m a regular human nervous ninny sometimes
- I’m receiving support that I do deserve
- What an in-touch, aware person, this pain is important, I should have realized exactly what I realized in the last few days
- I did not overreact
- People are giving me attention I’m worthy to receive
- People are already helping people in greater need (I’m not keeping them from that)
Can I feel what it’s like if I didn’t have the belief that I was mistaken and being mistaken is BAD? Something to be ashamed of myself about?
“Thoughts are like the wind or the leaves on the trees or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go. When they’re met with understanding, they’re friends. I love my stories……..
……I love how the mind changes. I watch it and am steadfast in that delight. I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance.” ~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names for Joy
You never know what is going to happen. Up, down, left, right, life, death, forward, backward, coming, going, injury, healing.
Whatever you thought or said yesterday is sweet, was right at that moment for you and for everyone.
And now is a different day, with new thoughts. A new sweet movement and flavor.
Much love, Grace