A lovely inquirer who has worked with me regularly for several years contacted me to start a new set of solo sessions.
She described a recent dilemma, a very stressful situation.
She encountered a person in the business world who she found intimidating.
This was a new project, a new character entering her life experience.
At first, this person was just a little bothersome. But quickly, her experience shifted to huge anxiety. He was contentious, pushy, trying to negotiate harshly.
She wanted to run.
We’ve all encountered people who frighten us at one time or another.
Once, I was sitting in my car, in a parking lot, in the winter. Doors and windows closed. I was finishing a short phone call to schedule a new client.
I looked up to see a man yelling orders at a little boy who appeared to be his son about age four. The boy was running right at the heals of the man, both arms straight at his side, a terrified but stern look on his little face.
The man yelled so loud, it made me look up through my windshield. He was shouting things like “closer! stay with me! NOW!”
They were gone in an instant, across my vision and then out of sight to the right. I had no contact with them, except to hear and see, for just a moment.
But it frightened me.
I left my car, looking over the parking lot. Instead of reading my latest book in the gym while I rode one of those bike machines…I did The Work.
The gym has been a fabulous place for writing worksheets, especially when my feelings are boiling or jumping.
I had a blank piece of paper and a pen, and if I didn’t, I would have asked for one.
I realized that this was a perfect motion-picture moment of my fear of rage. An adult angry with a kid; the smaller person has no equality…abuse, terror, no way out, hopelessness, lack of power.
Wow, I suddenly realized how afraid I was of anger. Afraid of someone who I thought had a lot of power, or physical strength.
I am undergoing a project with my son (age 19) to watch every Best Picture from every year since the very first Grammy Awards.
We started a couple of years ago, with the year 1931. We’ve gone backwards over time.
Last week we got to the year 1968 and watched Oliver Twist.
I suddenly remembered that when I watched that movie, at the young age of 6 or 7, it was the first time I learned that an adult could become wildly crazed with fury, and kill another person (his girlfriend)!
My jaw dropped open at the time, my stomach hurt, it was so haunting.
In fact the whole movie painted a picture of ideas about loss, death, tragedy, children with no parents, starving orphans, mean nasty bullies, and then….being SAVED.
As I reflected on the movie messages, I realized that way back before I even ever saw that movie, I already had learned that anger was dangerous, that I should be careful not to ruffle any feathers, and that the “good” people (good kids) don’t go around disturbing their parents!
I believed anger was bad.
This was the biggest piece of proof so far: violence and murder.
What a fantastic place for inquiry, looking at a very terrifying situation.
With this inquirer who called recently, I could tell she really wanted to know the truth.
She saw how she reacted when she believed the thought that the man she encountered was absolutely overpowering.
She crawled into bed and no longer answered his phone calls.
This can be a very wise reaction…
….but the part that hurt the most was her upset towards herself for not standing up to him, not being a rock star bee-och, withdrawing.
Who would you be without the thought that you should not run?
Who would I be without the thought that because I didn’t jump out of my car and do something, say something that day in the parking lot, that I was a chicken, or a failure?
Without the thought that you need to get tougher, say “No” more clearly, swoop in and be the Terminator?
“Whatever you take on, you do as well as you can. That’s your full potential. That’s how I do the dishes, its how I scrub the floor, it’s how I am with my children, with my husband. I do the best that I can, and that’s my full potential in the moment, and that’s good with me.” ~ Byron Katie
The turnaround came alive for me in the gym that day when I realized that at that particular time, place and reality, that the way it went was the best way it could have gone.
It offered a deep awareness of my fear of loud noises, yelling, and hitting.
I also realized that I had no idea, really, who that child was, or what was going on, or who the man was to the child, or what was happening next, or where they were going.
I had a huge story created in my imagination that was almost as unreal as the movie Oliver.
I noticed then too, that without the thought that anger is bad, my heart opens up to the noise that is drawing my attention (called yelling).
I see fear, panic, someone who is believing what they think, someone who is worried that the world is a dangerous place, and they need to control things or stay safe…ME.
The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ” ~ Pema Chödrön
You’ve done the best you can. Keep inquiring.
Love, Grace
Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Room for one last person on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).
YOI is full. Next one starts in January 2014!