Month: February 2017

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Trying to Clean the Screen? Inquire, & the Projector Gets Clear Instead. And there’s dancing.

Upcoming events:
*Three hour Saturday afternoon meetup 3/18 at East West Books for only $25. Register here. I’ll share specifically how to do The Work on eating, weight, compulsive thoughts about food and your body.
*Living Turnarounds Group Sunday 2/26 3-6 pm (if you’re a beginner in The Work, email me first before registering).
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question your thoughts, dance into a new reality

I’m about to go dancing. It’s what I do on Saturday mornings now if I’m not teaching a retreat somewhere out of town, and one of my absolute favorite things in my entire life.

This kind of dancing is almost not really “dancing” the way many of us think of as dancing, because it’s spontaneous movement, without words, to music of all kinds of genres and countries.
There are no step, no choreography, no requirements whatsoever, no need to dance with anyone. You can stop, you can sit on a yoga mat or a chair eyes closed or open, you can shake a shaker or tambourine, you can be entirely still. People of all ages attend, and I especially love all the people who come in their 60s, 70s, 80s.
What does this have to do with The Work?
Everything, I realized some time ago.
Here I am in this body, on planet earth, experiencing this particular lifetime. There’s a mind attached to this body, a brain, thoughts, feelings, responses to this reality.
And movement happens, it seems, out of this body. I lie down to sleep. I rise in the morning and get out of bed. I go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. I notice thoughts, and notice the room, and notice sounds. I peel a banana and eat it, gorgeous.
Now, the body sits at a table and fingers are typing. Soon, this will stand up and gather a coat and others items to leave for the dancing. At least this is most likely. The mind doesn’t know exactly how it will go.
In the flow and river of what’s happening are thoughts, ideas, planning, wondering, and movement and stillness.
The way of it.
Not up to me. I am not in charge. I didn’t even invent this body, I don’t run the lungs, heart beat, temperature. I don’t invent the thoughts that appear, or the feelings that follow thoughts.
I used to think, when I stuffed myself with junk food, and watched my judgments become enraged, when I shoplifted that time on my bicycle in college, when I said mean things to people close to me, when I didn’t have enough money, when I didn’t win the race, when I didn’t dance very freely, when I was nervous about going on stage, when I had any uncomfortable feeling….
….I used to ALWAYS think it was My Fault.
Or, someone else’s.
What’s wrong with this person? (Me, Them).
Then I’d start to think about all the ways I could improve myself, or get away from that other person, or stop feeling “x”.
In the Year of Inquiry group the other day on our phone call, someone said as she’s navigating a major change in her life, very unplanned….
….What if this is the BEST that could happen?
As opposed to the WORST?
An amazing thing to realize, to feel and understand and be aware of….even just a drop.
It suddenly brings us back to right now, this moment, looking around as if to find the good news, the best, the interesting, the wondrous, the handle-able.
Are things so difficult as our thoughts sometimes make them out to be? Do we really need to worry? Is fear the motivator for change….or is accepting this stunning lack of need to change things the easier way?
As I found The Work in 2014 it was a slow dawn. First it was reading Loving What Is. Then a weekend workshop. Then making my way to the School for The Work in 2005 (a big leap there, with 9 days of inquiry). Then another school, and using the last drop of savings to attend it. Free to spend the money without fear. Even with fear.
No planning was done for how this went. I just knew what to do next. And next. And next.
And I noticed dancing right there at the School, during breaks, during one exercise. The joyful, spontaneous movement that didn’t need to be any certain way whatsoever except free, expressing itself.
So I found dance back at home where I lived, free-form dance, and I started going specifically to do what Byron Katie calls “living your turnaround”. An intention to move without worry, or criticism (well, there were a lot of inhibitions at first, for about a year, but I kept showing up and dancing who I would be without my thoughts).
And eventually, with my husband, I started a dance of this same interesting kind–open movement without plans, without requirements of any kind.
Being You in a group of other people all moving together.
This feels like where The Work brings us all. Being ourselves, connected to everyone and all that is, moving freely with joy and love, this body, music (or no music as we live our waking day moving from here to there, even from one room to another room). Just for a temporary time here on planet earth.
Who would you be without any thought whatsoever that something is required, or there’s someone to blame–someone’s fault–just for today? Who would I be without the belief there’s something off, or wrong, just for the next hour?
What if this is the BEST that could happen, and I could doubt my fears and angst about whether or not it’s gone wrong?
“Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector-mind—rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
As one of my other favorite teachers (Adyashanti) invites people from time to time to try: Sit on a couch, and only get up when “it” gets up, not when you think you should, or shouldn’t, or when you have a thought about it.
Who would you be, how would you move, without your beliefs or your identity?
This morning, apparently, I’d be Dancing.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Most Saturday mornings Free Form Dance Dance is at Northgate Community Center in Seattle. Doors open 10 am.
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Think this, and you’re forever in the role of victim

You should be sorry. (Are you absolutely sure?)

Has anyone ever given you the creeps?

Of course they have, everyone’s gotten that feeling, even if you had it when you were a kid and you thought the old man at the end of the street was scary.

Nothing wrong with it, really. A feeling comes up, maybe you’re reminded of something fearful, or disappointing. Maybe there’s a gut intuition with no “reason” behind it. You know to cross the street, and move to the other side. Something is on alert.

But I found myself then wanting that person who creeped me out in the past, and also frightened a few others (added proof) to GET that they’re disturbing others, and why.

I heard him say “I didn’t do anything wrong!” about a sleazy overture to a woman.

Everyone would agree he should get a clue, right?

He’s a sleaze-ball. Ew. Creep, creep. Get away from us you creeper!

I noticed, however, even though that kind of teenage reaction was occurring in my thoughts, something felt off. Like I wanted him to suffer, to really understand he did the WRONG THING. You were totally out of line and inappropriate, dude!

(Not that I would ever say anything. Because. People like that aren’t rational and you can’t talk with them anyway. It’s no use. Oh yeah, I could question that.)

Oooooh. That’s some serious stressful argument going on. Wow.

Time for The Work.

He should understand he did the wrong thing.

Is it true?

Yes! Of course! How could he even think what he did was OK, or acceptable, or ? I mean, he should be ashamed of himself.

Is it absolutely true that he should understand he did the wrong thing. Are you SURE??!!

Well, no. If he knew it would create such a response, if he was a completely different person, if he knew better, if he had a alternate perspective…..he might never have done that.

And I have no idea what created his action, what he expected, what he was thinking, what he hoped for.

I just really can’t know his business, his background, his life.

Even if I’m thinking only of myself, and my own safety and comfort, I can’t know that HE should understand HE DID IT WRONG.

I notice that even though he did it wrong, I’m breathing. I haven’t seen him in a year. I haven’t heard of him making overtures to anyone else I know.

Life went on.

I also know the suffering when someone believes deeply they did indeed do something horribly wrong. They sometimes want to kill themselves. They are filled with suffering. They can’t function.

Do I want him to feel….that?

Well, I guess No.

How do I react when I think the thought “he should understand he did the wrong thing?”

Absolutely furious. I treat him like an outcast. I stay far away from him and think about what a creeper he is, and maybe talk about him to friends. Did you see him over there? Snort, laugh, make gag face.

I’m actually frightened, when I believe that thought. I’m seeing pictures of him believing he did nothing, and therefore repeating it over and over again. Like a serial killer or something.

Whew. It’s an horrendously stressful thought!

So who would I be without it? Without the thought he should understand how wrong he was, feel bad, apologize, suffer, change….all that entire story?

Who would you be without this very stressful tale?

Oh. Interesting.

This is one of those wonderings where at first, even though it’s so anxiety-riddled, I’m not sure I want to give up the thought. Because, if I give up this thought, he might be out there repeating his crime. Capable of creepy stuff AGAIN.

I must think about him and how he should be sorry and wanting to change his ways and aware he did the wrong thing.

But. What if it was safe not to have the thought? What if it didn’t mean denial, or pretending it didn’t happen. What if this question is only about noticing what it’s like when I’m not aware of the thought, when I start fresh, from the present, open to anything, clear? When I’m not freaking myself out with the terrible possibilities of what will happen next, unless he understands what he did was wrong?

What I notice is, nothing terrible has ever happened that I personally know of, with this person, ever again. Everything has been shared, and logged, by the people involved. People have the support they need.

Without the thought, I’d notice how most of the time, except when reminded the other day of this person, I don’t think about it. Ever. Without the thought is the way I usually am. It’s friendly. I’m care-free. I’m not frightened of this person.

Turning the thought around: He should NOT understand he did the wrong thing. 

How could this be just as true?

Well….when someone feels awful about something they did, as I mentioned, they might lose it, they might feel suicidal, they might be deeply depressed. I’d hate to hear about him killing himself. That’d be awful.

He also shouldn’t understand he did the wrong thing, because he’s not oriented that way. He’s got the ideas he’s got. Maybe you could call them sexist, or weird, or aggressive, or good-old-boy but that’s what he learned. He’s doing as he was taught. He’s living his way, not my way.

Turning it around again: I should understand I did the wrong thing, especially when it came to HIM.

OK. I didn’t speak up, I didn’t go to him directly, I smiled when in his presence and play-acted like everything was fine. I didn’t share my fears. I didn’t get support for myself. I stuffed things down. I gave the wrong impression. I didn’t look to myself with care, love and attention.

Which is really the best turnaround, for me, in this situation….or the most meaningful: I should understand I did the wrong thing with myself. I ignored my intuition, I laughed when afraid, I pushed the small timid part of myself away and acted strong, and unruffled. I didn’t ask…”what did you mean by that remark?” or “could you stop doing that?” or “I’m feeling very uncomfortable.”

I was so frozen with the thought that he should stop doing that, and then later that he should KNOW he did the wrong thing….

….that I never simply saw: If I’m the one seeing the dirty socks, it’s my job to pick them up. And notice I love myself when I do that, rather than resenting everyone else for being so creepy.

He doesn’t need to understand any wrong-ness about what occurred at all. Not if he doesn’t ever see it as wrong.

I’m the one who needs to see what I did, without malice or criticism to myself, or guilt or shame. This is not about piling a bunch of judgment on me.

I love how Byron Katie says “A turnaround should be a kiss, not a slap!”

I should see, with great compassion, how the whole thing went down. No one person’s fault.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Amazing to think, the only problem is here, in my own thinking about this situation.

Who would I be without fighting against reality, wishing he KNEW he did something wrong…….thinking he hurt me?

Peaceful. Free.

Now that’s worth letting go of a thought. And good news. It’s my thought, so I can do it.

Much love,

Grace

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They’re upset…but are you OK?

They don’t like me. They’re upset. I should have done it differently. Who would I be without this very stressful story?

In Year of Inquiry we just started Relationships month. Me and another. What happens when it goes off?

Well here I was, getting the chance to notice…AGAIN.

What was is that was bugging me?

I knew the conversation where it got sparked. I knew the person I had interacted with where some kind of concerned energy woke up inside.

It was actually most recently ignited by only a short email.

I read the email, and suddenly many of the same old danger warnings were going off on the inside.
Often, when the brain is triggered and you’re having a fearful response, no matter what the level, you feel like you can’t think straight. Anxiety, nerves, worry, jumpy…something’s off. The range of emotion can be huge.
It’s almost, however, like the lesser levels of anxiety or nervousness, sadness or irritation, make things more difficult to perceive. Like the colors of the emotion aren’t very vivid. Part of you knows this is no biggie. Part of you moves on with your day.
And part of you keeps thinking of that person’s email and the words, or re-opening the email later to re-read to make sure you got it right.
People tell me they have this murky, uncomfortable, yet unknown feeling when they want to work on their addictions, all the time. “Something’s off, but I don’t know what!”
A typical way to NOT calm down or pull it together is to start telling yourself to. Have you noticed?
That voice comes in trying to be helpful: “You need to get a grip. How many times do you need to do The Work on this? Where are your clear boundaries? You’re the one who re-opened the conversation…is something wrong with you? Are you never going to get this right?”

But we know the voice of self-criticism and wrongness is NOT the one to move towards. That’ll get you stuck self-improving forever. Without ever seeing what you were afraid of in the first place.

So I knew I had to take a look.

By sitting down and writing a worksheet.

I am anxious in this situation because he is soooo needy, demanding, grabby, desperate. He wants something. He doesn’t take no for an answer…..

As I thought about the situation, even after doing The Work and finding so much clarity about this past relationship, and noticing nothing dangerous has ever happened (except in my thinking)….

….I realized I felt worried about saying “no”.

His anger, his disappointment, his criticism.

I’ll let him down. Ugh.

If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot.

(OK, a little dramatic, but that’s what the anxiety says).

Is it true?

Yes! Did you see what he did last time? He couldn’t stop peppering me with questions, it was horrible. He couldn’t stop following me, criticizing me. He’d bring it up every time I saw him. I wanted to avoid him like the plague.

But is it absolutely true?

No. We’ve lived years and years of life without any contact at all. But something persists here, whenever I remember or have a new tiny contact with him. I used to be afraid of running in to him. That’s faded away, but BAM….the minute there’s contact there’s a sick pit in the stomach.

Who would I be without the belief I will incite his anger, no matter what I do? Without the thought that if I say no, if I’m blunt, if I don’t return the email, if I never call, if I tell the truth….he’ll be disappointed? Or if I don’t do any of these things….I’ll get into trouble?

I’d be calm, quiet and honest.

Not even defensive, or trying to generate boldness, or attempting to be any different than I actually am. I’d just be quite simply….honest. And kind.

Honesty might mean not responding. I wouldn’t frantically try to make sure he’s OK before I am. I wouldn’t work extra wildly hard at saying it the “right” way. There would be no worry about the consequences. I’d trust that if I’m running into him, it’s because it needed to happen. What, am I the ruler of the Universe?

Wow.

Turning the thought around: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot INSIDE MYSELF.

So true. I’ve had the thought since very young that saying “no” is dreadful, so I didn’t do it for years. It just about killed me. I used to eat, instead of saying no. That was a true internal “riot”. I didn’t listen to myself and the anger or sharpness inside, and give it the attention it needed.

Oh, I could give the “no” response respect right now, even in the moment I’m remembering and reading an email. I can sit and do this work and notice the respect I have for myself, and for him, and speak it.

Turning it around again: If he says “no” or expresses his honest opinion or tells the truth…he’ll incite a riot.

Have I ever been told “no” and been deeply, horribly, outrageously disappointed?

Yep. And every single one of those good-byes were amazing, because they brought me back to myself, to me. They freed me from neediness, especially once I had The Work.

Turning it around again: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….there will be no riot. There’d be a riot if I do NOT say no.

Holy Moly.

It could be a great invitation to be super clear, to speak very directly, with the precision of a great artist; no hemming, no hawing, no little tentacles trying to be something other than “no”. No need to be the one being gentle.

Noticing kindness and gentleness might be a “no” just as easily as a “yes”. Noticing the “no” to them is a “yes” to me. No need to be upset with the one asking. Instead, bringing back the sense of awareness into my own center, without getting into someone else’s business.

How do I know I’m supposed to be asked for something I don’t want to give, or am even unable to give at the moment?

I’m being asked.

And it doesn’t mean I have to say yes.

“I understand that our instinct is to move away from what’s not comfortable, to try to get somewhere better, but as my teacher used to say, “You need to take the backward step, not the forward step”….The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Instead of looking for their approval and happiness with me, with my answers, with my “yes” or my “no”….could I look inside right here, where I stand (even with them over there, feeling disappointed) and find peace and love, and acceptance, already present.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. One of the best places to work on any relationship in your life that’s ever caused you stress is at a live in-person retreat where you can sink into The Work for 4 days. The power of the inquiry deepens daily. Light-bulbs flash. Your comfort with the issue eases open. Come to spring retreat. Still some spots left. A beautiful time for finding your own freedom. Read about it here.

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I coughed. Where’s your proof?

 

 

Byron Katie visits 800 people in Seattle

Yesterday, I got to sit in the presence of Byron Katie and about 800 other people, all gathered together where I live (Seattle) to observe our stressful stories, and question them by taking them through the process known as The Work.

I had an image at one moment of dropping to my knees, prostrating I guess it’s called….

….and bowing to the Great Universe, kissing the ground for giving me the ability to wonder if what I’m thinking, when it’s painful, is actually true?

It almost never is.

Not the absolute 100% solid, never-to-be-doubted truth. I mean, how could what my brain is saying be The Truth?

One person’s mind?

But I sure have acted like it was.

He hurt me, she insulted me, he abandoned me, she criticized me, I better be careful, she shouldn’t worry, he should calm down, she shouldn’t have cut me off, he shouldn’t have been so greedy, they shouldn’t have more than me, I need, I should, I want, they are, what if.

So many stressful concepts chattering away on the inside of my mind over years of my life.

And then this question….

….Is it true?

Can you be sure it’s true, the thing you’re thinking?

Are you certain?

Consider it deeply. Are you sure? How do you know? Where did you learn this “fact”? Is it undeniable? Would EVERYONE agree?

Where’s your proof?

Katie asked the audience yesterday, as I’ve heard her ask before….

….”Who just heard me cough?”

Silence, with some hands going up.

“Where’s your proof?”

The point being, the proof is only in the memory, the image in the mind, the imprint getting lodged in the brain that determines it happened, because we saw it. We heard it. Therefore it’s the truth.

And there’s no proof. None.

So who would you be without holding on to your thought? Who would you be without your belief that what you saw, or heard, (even if it was a cough), was The Truth?

What would it be like to look around at this present moment (you can do it right now) and not have any solid “IT-HAPPENED-FOR-SURE-AND-IT-SUCKED” attitude about what went on in the past that you didn’t like, hated, resisted, regretted?

Wouldn’t you notice how lovely, quiet, stable and kind this moment is, without your full-fledged belief?

I got once again, listening to Katie and the brave people who sat in the chair opposite her on stage and said their stressful thoughts out loud….I got once again that this work isn’t about denial.

In other words, it’s not about pretending something never happened or that I’m a complete nut case to have “made up” something that wasn’t real. It’s not about denying the intense thing I witnessed. It’s not about acting fake-fake like all is well, when it really wasn’t (even if in the end, it was).

This is about noticing the past is OVER.

Right now, I’m sitting in a chair, reliving a memory. The memory is in the mind. It’s not reality. it’s not happening Now. These are images, repeating themselves. Images on replay. Waiting for me to question them.

Right now, it’s very safe. Very quiet. I am supported by the chair, the room, the floor. The world is still revolving. There are kind people nearby. No one is yelling, criticizing, abandoning me, hurting me, or being violent.

Noticing this is who I would be, who I am, without my stressful thought.

“The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.” ~ Nisargadatta

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would you be without your thought about yesterday?

Oooooh, it could be very, very exciting. Thrilling. Wondrous. New. Mysterious. A blank page. Loving. Magical.

Just saying.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Feel More, Eat Less. Stop being so mean to your feelings.

Everyone’s noticed how uncomfortable painful feelings can be.

Irritation, anger, rage, despair, sadness, embarrassment, worry, anxiety, terror.

The thing is, if you hate feeling any of these feelings, you may do anything….like I used to do….NOT to feel them.

Such as eat. When not hungry.

Or figure out whatever will alter your mood, change the channel, reboot.

We think of these compulsive activities as the quick, “easy” way. Using a behavior or substance to refocus the mind and get away from that other dreadful feeling.

But what if it’s actually the harder way, in the end?

Instead, I could sit with the feelings and not only express them, but find out what I was thinking that produced them in the first place, and look at it deeply, closely.

If this isn’t about destroying, crushing, suppressing, changing or fixing any feelings….

….but allowing them to be as they are….

….maybe we’d even feel appreciation for the full range of feelings in this life.

And not try to make any of them go away. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the heart-breaking, the heart-mending.

Who would you be without your stressful thoughts about your feelings?

For me, I wouldn’t be eating.

 

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Not trying so hard to be nice…can you just tell the truth?

Do you loooooove getting everyone’s approval? It may be more stressful than you think. Are you sure you need to be “nice”?

We’ve all heard about the concept of making amends. That it’s very beneficial, for both the person making it, and the one receiving it.

An amends is perhaps an apology, but by definition it means to make up or repair a harm done. The word literally comes from the latin “to correct” a “blemish”. To make something right.

I once took the process of making amends overboard, though.

It wasn’t truly amend-making.

There I was, very young and going to 12 Step meetings, getting a sponsor, serving as a secretary, following the program.

There was something very cathartic about writing out all the wrongs I had done to people (the fourth step process). Incidents and relationships I felt uncomfortable about.

After some contemplation, the invitation is to make amends where you recognize you need to.

The thing is, at the time I was lousy at slowing down and seeing who I really, really needed to make amends to.

(It was myself most of all).

I wrote several letters to people I’m not sure I really harmed all that much.

It’s almost like I was excited about the possibility of being forgiven, and the more people who said “you are OK, I don’t hate you, and you’re forgiven” the more I’d feel good about myself.

Which really isn’t a true amends. Begging, hoping, wishing, longing, needing someone’s approval or blessing or acceptance is definitely NOT amends.

It has to be done with zero strings attached, without expectation.

So if you have someone in your life who’s been upset, angry, or hurt by you….

…..the first step is to do The Work.

I noticed in those “amends” I made with others so long ago, these letters went off to men I had dated. I can’t even remember the details. I broke up with them, or told them I wasn’t interested, or moved away. And here I was apologizing for doing that.

My assumption was they had been hurt, and I actually didn’t even know this for sure.

Kind of embarrassing, now that I think about it again.

Even if you have someone you’re sure you broke their heart, or hurt them….check to make sure if you were doing what was right for you. Because THAT is also extremely important to remember and notice.

Now, another brilliant teaching in the middle of all this amend-making, inside The Work, is the suggestion that when a turnaround hurts…..when it feels bad….you might want to take a look with inquiry at the turnaround.

As Katie suggests….a Turnaround should feel like a “kiss” and not a “slap”. In other words, if you start punching yourself (in your mind) when you find a turnaround towards yourself, there’s a little more work to do as you notice the violent thoughts towards yourself.

So this inquiry today comes out of a thought about me, that could be a turnaround found in inquiry, but a concept I used to believe was true with a vengeance.

I hurt him (when I said no).

This doesn’t have to be with a love or romance. It can be in friendship, as a parent, with co-workers.

Maybe you were awkward and bumbled your way through it, but you said no. You really didn’t want to work for them, go out with them, hang out with them, give them the shiny toy at the check-out stand. And they appeared upset.

You hurt them….is it true?

Yes. It seems like it. They acted frustrated. They tried to get my attention again. I avoided them.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that saying “no” hurt that person?

No.

How do you react when you think that thought?

Too nice. Talking longer than I’d like to someone. Not hanging up the phone. Feeling apologetic. Nervous about hurting them.

I treat them with kid gloves. I make things light, when I’m kind of nervous about their grabbiness. I call them “needy” in my mind.

In my past, how I reacted in my youthful efforts to be sane and compulsion-free were, I started apologizing right and left and feeling ashamed of myself.

So who would you be without that story?

I’d just say no. I wouldn’t withdraw and start to feel like hiding, or worried about their continued reaction. I wouldn’t start to feel insecure about what they’re REALLY thinking. I’d go on with my day, with my life. I’d know everyone will be OK, including me. I wouldn’t obsess about whether they still liked me or not. Ugh.

Turning the thought around:

I didn’t hurt them.

How could this be just as true?

They’re breathing. They get out of bed. They go to work. They have a whole life without crossing paths with mine. They are capable humans, on their own path. If they look wounded, I can even talk with them about it, and connect and listen, without rescuing.

It was an honest “no” so ultimately how could this hurt? Even if they acted like they wanted a dishonest “yes” I’m not sure they really would. Would you?

Turning the thought around again:

I hurt myself.

Yes, I dragged the “no” on forever without speaking it. I felt so incredibly nervous about “hurting” them I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to make sure to let them down easy. It was like I agreed with them. They ARE fragile. So I MUST sacrifice.

Yikes.

Turning it around again:

They hurt me.

I don’t have to find examples, if it feels right not to….I could even question the thought (maybe I already questioned this thought). But I can also notice if I think they did hurt me, and when, and simply respond with compassion and understanding, and saying “no” if I mean it.

They’re treating me the way I treat me. I was showing them I am someone who will rescue, sacrifice, worry, assist, and believe them to be people who can’t find balance or happiness without me.

Today, my living turnaround is actually not to be apologetic, in this kind of dynamic. It doesn’t mean I’m not full of love and care for that person. I am. But I see them as strong. Able. Someone being supported by the universe, just like me. It’s not my job to make them happy and un-hurt.

Instead, my living turnaround, a way of offering amends to those people and to myself, is to see us all as powerful, creative, clear people following the paths we must follow. And saying “no” when I mean it.

“If this was their only path to God, would you take it away?” asks Byron Katie sometimes, when people are desperately concerned with someone else’s happiness.

They always answer…..”no”.

And even though it’s in someone else’s business, and I can’t really know what’s true about that person over there, and their pain and suffering….another turnaround pops in that makes sense in this case, for me at least.

They hurt themselves.

This is not said with any fault or blame whatsoever. Only noticing their angst, their fear. There that person is, believing their thoughts (if they are). Like the child at the check-out stand screaming because mom says “no” to buying the shiny thing.

They’ll get over it.

And this is very important. It’s not said with malice, wishing they would, even the slightest criticism. You can love them with a big huge heart, be with them, listen with them, adore them, care about them….and still be completely honest with what’s true for you.

“Politeness and tact are supposed to be about consideration for others. But notice how often they are really about trying to control the impression you make….Why bother with all of this complicated pretending? There is no reason. You do it because neither of you has questioned the belief that your relationship depends on playacting and couldn’t stand up to honesty….What would happen if you moved and responded with less concern about what others will think? What would it be like to live your truth without excusing, defending, explaining, or justifying your thoughts or actions to others?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love Is It True pg. 44

If you notice this as an issue, and you want to find freedom from the trap of trying to please….one way is to come do The Work. Spring Retreat is filling very fast (May 11-14) in north Seattle. Or come to Breitenbush in Oregon June 21-25.

Much love,

Grace