Are you someone who doesn’t really go for the woo-woo solutions to real life problems?
Well…this tool for changing your relationship with eating can sound a little cray-cray.
But believe me, I’m not that crazy (only crazy in a good way).
This tool is genuine, powerful, and used by many cultures, religions, therapeutic modalities and processes of emotional healing for centuries.
It’s in you already, you just may need to develop it a little, spending a little more time using your imagination for love, not hate (primarily for yourself).
See how I did it here. Leave a comment to let me know how this tool works for you–I love hearing from you and reading your comments.
In our Year of Inquiry tele session group yesterday morning, we entered a really powerful situation for The Work.
The kind where you got pretty scared….or hurt….and you might even see this as a problem in society or the world.
Violence.
In this case, the inquirer was doing The Work on hearing about a man she knew personally beating his partner, something we call “domestic violence”.
The interesting thing about this inquirer’s situation and thoughts were how well everyone could relate to hearing something like that, experiencing something like that, or feeling the same feelings.
Disgust, irritation, fear, rage, separation.
You may find these kinds of feelings in your own past, in some incident you went through yourself.
The first thing to do is to identify the specific moment you felt your fear or terror.
Yes, it’s going into the fire in a big way….except you are here now, in this safe, quiet moment.
You’ll be OK.
(I began to notice when doing The Work on disturbing experiences that memories are floating through, and they are pictures only, and feelings are just energy moving through the body–nothing terrible is actually happening when you recall something, you know?)
So pause the movie in your head, the one with the bad difficult memory, and answer the question:
Why is this upsetting?
I’m terrified because he called me names, said I was stupid and ugly, and kept asking me to do things I didn’t want to do.
Now break it down into just one simple concept, to walk through inquiry with.
You don’t have to inquire into everything at once–in fact, this can dilute and confuse you and not really provide enormous insight when you have a particularly troubling situation to investigate.
Just start with the very first concept: he called me names.
Is it true?
Yup, sure is. Absolutely? Yes.
See how you feel, though. Are you angry?
You’re looking at something that happened, and you are already deciding it was horrifying, wrong, bad, impossible to get over.
And this is years and years later maybe. Or even last week.
It’s over.
This is important to notice.
Can you find the crack between something being true, and the second you decide you’re against it?
Because when you are against it……you are naturally thinking it should not have happened, or it is unforgivable, or you are frightened of it happening again, or you feel lost about it, unresolved, sad, hurt.
Are you sure you’re hurt?
I’m not asking because this is an exercise in denial, or criticism of anyone who thinks back on a troubling situation with fear.
Right now, I can think of someone from many, many years ago and remember the scene still. Words were coming from him towards me. Really nasty, bitter words. Cutting, mean.
I remember at the time how I felt like I was punched in the gut. I was trying to control my tears and failed. My heart was racing and my face got red and hot.
Who would I be without the belief I was damaged, in that situation?
Who would I be without the belief I was unable to recover, lost, hurt, or that my life was altered in a bad way?
This is really hard sometimes to imagine, but you can.
For me….I noticed without the belief how well I handled that emotionally violent situation.
I noticed how full of suffering this person was who was saying such things.
How nutty humanity is that we believe our thoughts and lash out, not knowing any better–but this seems to be the way of it, so it’s not wrong, and we discover there are much better more loving ways.
Without my beliefs, I feel great compassion for that man, and any men who become violent.
Without my beliefs, I notice how healed I have become, how my life never seems to have any really big violence in it (and it could tomorrow, who knows).
I notice when I turn the thoughts around that someone shouldn’t be violent with words or deeds, that my own mind has been just as mean and attacking as that person was!
To others, to him, and to myself!
I was not hurt. I was healed.
He was hurt.
These beliefs are just as true.
Imagine that.
“Through observing the illusory nature of thought without resisting it, we can begin to question and inquire into the underlying belief structures that support it. These belief structures are what form our emotional attachments to the false self and the world our minds create…..Reality is not something that you integrate into your personal view of things. Reality is life without your distorting stories, ideas, and beliefs. It is perfect unity free of all reference points, with nowhere to stand and nothing to grab hold of…..Cease to cherish opinions and it stands before your very eyes.” ~ Adyashanti
The truth is that troubling situation happened in another time and place, when I believed very strongly that there were many things to fear.
It became proof of scary things and mean people.
But then later on, remembering, doing The Work, that very same situation became proof of survival, peace beyond belief, the end of war, compassion, silence and love.
I’ll be doing a live google hangout on Sunday, April 19th at 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific Time. Come join me for a wonderful time–I can’t wait to meet you and support you in questioning your thoughts and lightening up your life. There is no charge for this event.
Join on April 19th by clicking HERE. You may want to make sure you have a google account (it’s free) to make access super easy.
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Have you ever noticed a whole belief system running in your mind that feels like a dark storm?
I can’t do it. I can’t make it. I failed. It’s over. This is terrible. I lost. It’s no use. I don’t know how. I’ll never get what I want.
Have you ever experienced a big blow in your life….
….or a series of disappointments….
….and found a voice in your head saying thoughts like these, maybe over and over again?
How do you feel about desiring things, moving towards something, having dreams and visions…..and maybe not achieving it, or getting to where you’d like to be?
Phew. It’s rough.
The thing is….
….you can question your thinking when it comes to “failure” and investigate to see if what’s going on in your mind is really, really true.
Questioning with an open, curious mind can bring you not just relief, but the incredible perspective of the turnarounds, and actually living with the OPPOSITE of what you’re thinking when you’re in that dark place.
Not long ago, an acquaintance of mine graduated from a program in mental health with her master’s degree. She had loved being in a high-level educational program, she was doing something she had dreamed of for years.
She rented an office downtown and hung her shingle up “Open For Business!”
And waited for new clients.
And waited.
And waited.
Then she had one person come, for two sessions. But the new client didn’t return.
She waited again.
So she gathered her forces together and advertised, made flyers, went to networking meetings and furiously applied her former PR skills to getting clients.
But things limped along, very slowly.
I offered to facilitate her in doing The Work, but she didn’t know me very well and said “no, I just need to hammer away at this.”
I couldn’t help notice the words “hammer away at this”.
It reminded me of myself, pushing hard, running hard, tackling something I wanted to gain with a lot of worry, energy and intensity.
Doing The Work can save a lot of time, energy, busy-ness and action.
Here’s how.
While this acquaintance didn’t choose to do The Work, like I said…..it reminded me of me.
First question: Is it true, what you’re thinking?
Oh. What did you say?
I was too busy ruminating, seeing pictures of terrible things happening, and feeling anxious.
What did you say again?
Oh! Is it TRUE?
Huh. Wow. Well, heck! Not really. I have no idea!
How do you react when you think these thoughts of failure? Even potential failure?
What does it feel like when you’re not getting where you want, what you want, who you want, or how you want it?
You may have the same reaction as the woman I mentioned…..you might hunker down and “hammer” away at the problem.
You might get really disciplined and full of striving and struggle and effort.
When I had no money left and watched my bank account empty and then go into debt, I began to react by thinking these same kinds of thoughts, and then I thought maybe its better to be dead.
Really, it was that harsh and black.
Then I did The Work, thank goodness!
So…who would you be without these despairing, negative, frightening thoughts?
What if you used your imagination to see a new way, without these thoughts, rather than seeing the sky falling like Chicken Little?
Turning the thoughts around:
I can do it. I am doing it. I am making it. I am succeeding. It’s just beginning. This is wonderful. I’m winning. It’s of use. I don’t know how (yay!) or I do know how. I’ll always get what I ultimately want.
This is not to be full of fluffy bunny positive affirmations.
This is deeply considering the benefits of what has occurred, and waiting, noticing, opening and being with joy and love instead of disappointment and hate.
I noticed for myself that I was still alive!
I noticed I was going through something incredibly wild, but actually my little cottage was quiet, beautiful and nurturing. The lights were still on. The phone still worked. The water was still connected. There was still gas in my car. The garbage company still came to pick up my garbage.
I also remember I had a picture of me telling my story of losing all my money one day, and giving other people hope to keep breathing and question their beliefs through a terribly difficult period.
I saw benefits for what was going on with lack of clients and lack of money. I noticed my dive into “no money” generated passion, power, huge energy within me…..I wasn’t so quick to give up or not bother.
I also became willing to question OTHER stressful thoughts like that I was too shy or introverted to be able to succeed in my own business.
Or not good enough to really be effective in life.
Who would you be without your story of self-criticism, judgment and doubt?
“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2
Much love, Grace
P.S. September 2015 Year of Inquiry mastermind group begins. An awesome journey with awesome people, inquiring together. For 3 weeks in every month, 3 times every week, you can dial-in with a fabulous group of inquirers and do your work. There’s nothing like the power of group support and connecting for becoming curious, open-minded, and finding the shifts of un-believing that you so desire in your life. Freedom. Registration opens soon!
“I’m quitting NOW!!” Push the “help” button by doing The Work first, before you quit!
How do you know when to give up something, close the door to business, say goodbye, end the relationship, wrap, call it quits?
You’ve weighed the pros and cons. You’ve made lists. You’ve hashed it out with neutral objective (sort of) friends. You’ve journaled on your decision. You’ve consulted with a mentor or trusted advisor. You’ve tried to find what your gut feeling is.
Maybe whatever you’re wanting to quit isn’t THAT big a deal.
Like you’ve got a friend who kinda bugs you, an irritating client, a marketing firm who keeps calling your phone, a neighbor who borrows things constantly.
Not matters of life or death…..although there may be big changes in your day-to-day life if you make the decision a certain way…..
…..but one thing’s for sure.
You’ve got the thought “something’s gotta change, I can’t take it anymore, this needs to stop.”
Here’s one thing I love about The Work.
By doing the work, you can get closer to what really actually disturbs you the most, and maybe even discover some interesting information BEFORE you get to the I-can’t-take-it breaking point.
“Something’s gotta change, I can’t take it anymore.”
First, ask yourself, why?
Why to you hate this interaction, this repeating situation, this person’s behavior, this difficult moment looking at your bank statement, your results?
Are you sure you have to make a decision based on your level of pain? On your level of frustration, fear, failure, or disappointment?
What if you felt really positive about that situation or person or condition so you could make the best decision possible, without your negative feelings dominating the show?
It doesn’t mean your painful feelings aren’t important, or deeply valuable.
They just aren’t necessarily what you want to base your whole decision on, you know?
Everyone almost always feels more peaceful when their decisions are loving, kind and spacious…..
…..not made from rage or bitterness.
Why do you feel like giving up? What’s the actual problem?
Write it out.
He’ll never change, she will be a better companion, my boss sucks, this never makes enough money, my business is in the tank, he’s too needy, she’s too critical, I’m too tired.
If you want….keep going with writing and identifying what’s ailing you about this difficult, troubling situation where you want to call it quits.
How do you want it to change? How could it improve?
What should happen that isn’t actually happening?
What do you think is missing? What do you really need in order to be happy?
Now you’ve got your concepts.
You can inquire.
See if they are really, really true.
Notice that how you react is…..
…..you want to say “Take This Job And Shove It! I NEVER want to see you again THIS IS OVAH!”
But who would you be without this thought?
Seriously.
What if you couldn’t believe this story was true? What if your mind didn’t have all the distaste and being against this person, in this situation?
I notice I relax. Something inside lets go of the knife-cutting anger, or the abrupt thinking, the thoughts that are so drama-queen ready to escape from Alcatraz.
Sometimes, without the thought that something is unbearable….
….people imagine “OMG, I will NEVER take action and get free from this rotten neighbor!”
I’ll never leave my job, I’ll never find the right partner, I’ll never make lots of money, I’ll never never never. I’ll lie down on the floor like a passive doormat and nothing will EVER happen.
But is THAT true? Really?
What if you turned these thoughts around: Nothing needs to change, I can take it, this doesn’t need to stop.
Holy smokes. That’s all true.
A long time ago, when I got a J-O-B, I thought “the minute I make enough money in my business, I’m outta here”.
I’m outta here in 3 months…I’m outta here in 6 months….I’m outta here in a year.
My mind constantly imagined when I was leaving, semi-resentful of my dratted job, thinking I should be focused only on my business, curses the day I had to work for someone else.
Until I realized. OMG. I need to do The Work on having this part time job I am resenting every day!
WHY was it so dreadful?
“Often these unquestioned beliefs hide superstitions which are protecting something which is untrue, contradictory, or being used as justification for behavior which is a less than enlightened.” ~ Adyashanti
I wrote it all out.
I began appreciating that job so much, I wound up loving it. I stopped thinking of the time I would leave and dropped the calendar obsessing.
And I noticed after several years, I decided to leave because my business was booming and successful, and it just wasn’t necessary to go to work anymore even though I loved it.
Now that was the best way to move on I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.
No regrets, no fear, no anger, no irritation.
Just pure appreciation.
I didn’t need rage to make a decision. Love led the way. It might sound corny, or cheesy, or weird…..
….but it’s waaaaaay easier than other things I left in a fit of anger (which weren’t exactly undone and finished in that state of feeling).
No guilt, no regret, no flip-flopping back, total clarity that the way it went was just right.
Now if YOU are thinking of making a change, you might have people who you think will be disappointed, or fear of failure. That’s another angle to making change, where you may have stressful thoughts.
Just question them. See if they’re really true.
A path may open up you never saw was there before.
each step along the way of inquiry, a clearer glimpse of the divine, a clearer sense of “normal”
I feel much better today, almost back to “normal” physically.
Isn’t that funny whatever “normal” is?
I was listening yesterday during my quieter time, recovering from a short bug, to an interview of me talking with my friend Roberta. (You can access the whole teleconference I was a part of right here for free for a few more hours–lots of powerful information about mind- body health).
I heard myself telling my story.
It’s funny to look back and see one’s own story, played out over time, and watch what the mind does.
While listening, I started remembering how unhappy I was when I was 19 years old, leaving for college.
So anxious, I ate and ate and stuffed myself full the night my family had a goodbye dinner to celebrate my graduation from high school and my adventures off to college.
Remembering that time, I still had the thought float through me yesterday “I should have done it differently”.
If only…..
Then it would be better…..
There’s a similar feeling when you don’t have what you want. (I’ve been talking a lot about desire lately since I started the Desire Class yesterday morning).
Uncomfortable, disappointed, uncertain, sorry.
It’s not like a big traumatic discomfort, just a melancholy breeze blowing by saying “that could have been better, you know.”
Sigh.
But The Work can be brought even to a long-distant memory so far away in the past.
Is it true that could have gone differently, better, another way? Are you sure it might have been altered if only…..?
No.
How do you react when you believe it could be improved, you don’t like the way it turned out, if only….?
I notice I feel internally dramatic. Like someone with the back of their hand on their forehead.
Sad, missing something, bereft.
So who would you be without that belief that it’d be better if it went another way?
Ha ha. Really?
Kind of hilarious, in this moment. Because how could it have possibly gone differently than it did?
I notice I have no idea how making it different would look, and if that really would alter the outcome.
I remember the amazing idea offered by Byron Katie that reality is kind.
Reality….this life….is loving.
And it’s the truth. The real actual truth. Not my opinionated version of the truth of what happened.
Turning the thoughts around: I shouldn’t have done it differently, it went the way it went and that was very good, the whole situation could NOT be improved.
There is no “if only…” except in imagination.
Wow.
I simply look at the memory, it floats through, it doesn’t stick inside, it’s just a picture, a sensation, an idea bouncing along, nothing personal.
Who would you be without the belief that something went wrong, and if only….?
“As you drift into spirit, these transformations take place within you. All you have to do is notice them, and you will start to notice the tendency toward the qualities of the Divine. The further back you go, the more you will see these natural qualities unfolding inside of you. Each step along the way, you get a clearer glimpse of what it must be like to sit in that Divine State.” ~ Michael Singer
I love that without these stressful thoughts, there is a natural quality unfolding.
A place that doesn’t regret, or feel like a mistake was made, nothing imagining with pain “if only….”
Yesterday I felt my glands in my throat aching. I felt a sort of weird weakness in my arms and legs when I moved about, and a deep ache in the back of my head.
The mind kicks in trying to figure out what’s going on.
Did you eat something bad? Are you getting sick? Is it hormones from menopause? Or wow, what if its cancer or something serious?Didn’t I just hear about a friend’s kid with meningitis?
I wonder if….
I hear the mind comment, but don’t really believe any of it or act like any of it is true, I notice. I follow my usual schedule, quietly in my home most of the day.
Clients coming and going, online classes underway. Go out to stand in line at the DMV (Dept of Motor Vehicles in the US). Actually still go to the gym for light bike ride. Pausing and feeling the sensations again of ache, heat, weak.
Who would I be without the belief any of this is terrible?
This is a wonderful question!
Because when I have the idea or belief that being sick or having symptoms like mine is a bad thing….
….pretty soon I’m also thinking thoughts like “not only does my neck and head ache, but I’m in the wrong business (no vacation days) and I have tons of work to do and the house needs cleaning and repairs and I have to go get my car emissions tabs and, and, and….
….life is sooooooo hard.
It’s like the energy of “sick” gives birth to more of itself. Sick, bad, weak, wrong, terrible, dangerous.
But pausing and asking “who would you be without these thoughts?”
Funny.
I would be doing the exact same things, but relaxing through them all. Noticing there’s only one thing to do next, then another thing, not all at once, only doing what is possible right now, then now.
And if taking a motrin and lying down becomes what happens next, then that’s OK too.
It’s the way of it.
What is required, happens. Nothing more, nothing less.
Turning the thought around: these physical sensations are not terrible. My thoughts are terrible about these sensations.
So true! I’m moving, although slower, I’m conscious, and I can see the room, hear the sounds of cars outside, breath deeply, reply to emails, and feel something very still right here.
My thoughts are over-excited and dramatic. They are terrible, especially when they think the worse case scenario, and I buy it.
It’s kinda funny when the “worse” that can happen is a thought.
Who am I really, with physical so-called ailments, without believing my stressful thought?
Still fascinated and loving this world, taking it all in, noticing the abundance everywhere.
And I call the doctor if it becomes clear this is the next necessary step.
“When you have some understanding of your thoughts through inquiry, then you can call 911 consciously, without fear or panic. You’re more able to describe your situation and answer questions clearly. You’ve always known what to do; that doesn’t change.
A lover of what is looks forward to everything: life, death, disease, loss, earthquakes, bombs, anything the mind might be tempted to call “bad.” Life will bring us everything we need, to show us what we haven’t undone yet. Nothing outside ourselves can make us suffer.Except for our unquestioned thoughts, every place is paradise.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Remarkable to feel what I’d call sensations of sickness, or pain, or weakness….and not think of it as bad.
Ahhhhhh. Freedom right in the middle of odd sensations.
I’m thrilled with all the people who’ll be joining the Desire course tomorrow. Everything is done via webinar and you’ll watch online. You can replay the recordings if you can’t make it live.
It would be my honor to serve you dancing down the path of your personal journey in joy. It’s my passion to join with others and bring life-changing facilitation to people.
Because that’s what is satisfying and spectacular about life.
Joy. Freedom.
As so many of you know already….I had some serious attitudes about life that did NOT feel so joyful.
They had been in place maybe since childhood.
Life is hard. Bad things can happen. When something horrible goes on in the world, its difficult to get over it. Fear is awful to feel. Anger makes people do terrible things. I’m too sensitive. I’m too nervous. He shouldn’t have died. She shouldn’t have been so critical. She betrayed me. I can’t stop. I’ll never feel good.
Oh boy, phew!
By the time I was 23 I had an eating disorder, I was insecure, I diminished my own talents and service and love for others, I was very critical and angry, and yet also people-pleasing to the max….I was scared!
I reached out for help, banging and bumping my way along.
I met wonderful mentors.
Then, finding The Work of Byron Katie was a huge step UP in my process of clarity and freedom.
It was so simple, and so direct.
So you know that thing you’re afraid of trying, or afraid you’ll never get it or never find peace in that area?
Who would you be without the belief that you could get hurt, or embarrassed, or make a big mistake, or fail?
What if you deeply examined the events, situations and relationships that have disturbed you most profoundly?
You don’t have to explore them all. Just start with one, today.
You may have done The Work on it already. You can do it again!
First, you write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that one terrible, difficult situation. Even if it was all the way back in childhood.
Not long ago I was working with a lovely inquirer who is enrolled in the Eating Peace program online that happens to be underway. Everyone gets a 911 call if they need it, during our 3 months together.
This inquirer knows she desires freedom around food and eating. She desires feeling healthy, and happy about her body.
But it’s been torturous and painful, and her weight has yo-yo’d up and down. Not so very happy.
I can relate.
When I binged and purged, my feelings were twisted up in knots.
Usually, I was believing something that had nothing actually to do with food–this was my release, the way I treated myself, my reaction to very troubled thinking.
When I went into therapy to heal this torturous way of life, I discovered much more clearly some of the thinking that felt so dramatically hard.
All those beliefs about trying to be good, acceptable, likable, someone worthy of being loved and cherished. I really thought I had to earn that, and make sure I wasn’t selfish and bratty.
So confining!
I felt like I was in prison when it came to dealing with people. I really couldn’t feel free to be myself. I couldn’t speak up to them if I needed to ask a question, or tell the truth.
That’s how this sweet inquirer also felt.
We looked at her beliefs about some people….and then about a person of deep influence.
Yes. You might know who.
Mother.
If you’re not sure where to begin, and you have troubling thoughts about life and death, and where you’re going or what this is all for….
….I suggest starting with your mother. Or your father.
Either one can be powerful.
You aren’t in the end assessing them as a person, you are questioning YOUR PERCEPTION of that person.
You may find, even if they have not been alive for years, you can change your relationship to them, and therefore to your current world when you encounter people like them, or familiar situations.
A shift like this, even in small measurements and doses of awareness, can bring you peace in an area, like your eating.
I found them very interconnected and associated.
As I made peace with important people in my life, and understood myself as a human being, I could see beyond my human story.
As I saw beyond my story, I became more and more relaxed.
And free.
Free to feel joyful, expansive, mysterious, gentle, silent and awake.
All you need to do is question your mind, and land on the turnarounds (the last part of The Work).
As I have done this, I find that the qualities I found most frightening and unacceptable have become the ones I appreciated most of all.
“If you try to avoid or remove the awkward quality, it will pursue you. The only effective way to still its unease is to transfigure it, to let it become something creative and positive that contributes to who you are. Nietzche said that one of the best days in his life was the day when he rebaptized all his negative qualities as his best qualities. Rather than banishing what is at first glimpse unwelcome, you bring it home to unity with your life…..One of your sacred duties is to exercise kindness towrd them. In a sense, you are called to be a loving parent to your delinquent qualiites.” ~ John O’Donohue
The class on tomorrow will have great emphasis on living your turnarounds, finding out what it looks like to bring movement, love, action and communication into your world when you do The Work.
That’s when it feels wonderful to have desire–noticing abundance, anticipation, hand-clapping joy.
Not torturous desire–full of emptiness, desperation, rage and lack.
There’s a big difference, right?
Let me know how your work goes, or if you have questions getting started on a difficult relationship. It’s my pleasure to help assist peace unfold in this world, however I can.
The more peaceful, joyful people, the more fun.
If you want to discover more wonderful feelings within, in this present moment, then a great place to do it will be in tomorrow’s Desire course.
In our Year of Inquiry tele session group yesterday morning, we entered a really powerful situation for The Work.
Have you ever noticed a whole belief system running in your mind that feels like a dark storm?
Yesterday I felt my glands in my throat aching. I felt a sort of weird weakness in my arms and legs when I moved about, and a deep ache in the back of my head.