Month: April 2015

This week’s Peace Talk podcast episodes are about sickness, injury and pain….oh my.

Lions and tigers and bears….oh my!!

Many of us agree with what is frightening, horrifying, tragic and awful about life.

I don’t even need to tell stories to remind you.

You’ve already learned what is “bad” in life, right? You learned it at a young age.

When I was six I stepped on a rose bush that had been pruned to the level of the earth, so it barely stuck up out of the soil, when running around in bare feet in the garden.

The very sharp base of this old rose bush went right into the soft center of my foot deeply, and the pain was agonizing….blood everywhere.

I had that memory for years.

The body getting hurt, sick, being in pain, feeling less than ideal….so hard to experience. Even the image of the body being ugly–too fat, too thin, too short, too tall.

All of this, trouble.

But who would you be without the belief that this difficult health experience, this hard or painful trauma, that condition….

….is not beautiful?

Weird, right?

And yet, fascinating.

It doesn’t mean you’re going on airy-fairy-sugar-and-sweet-peas weirdo to consider you might be wrong about seeing what you see as terrible…as terrible. It only means, you’re open to other options, to other ways.

I find it exciting, far less traumatic, and that a piece of me is actually in tune with what is….not with my opinion of what is.

Maybe more than only a piece of me.

What if there was an opportunity, in this condition you experienced? What if there was something beneficial, or helpful, or interesting in what’s happening for you, that so far has felt mostly frightening?

What if you aren’t seeing the whole picture, when it comes to the imperfection of life?

What if this world’s woes and sorrows aren’t really out of order?

I notice, it seems to be the way of it…..that things decay, get hurt, end, are destroyed, and come to a conclusion.

The way of it.

“Realizing that your life is never going to work out, and that it cannot ever work out, and that it isn’t ever supposed to work out, is the greatest relief, and brings the greatest ease, drawing you deeply into the sacredness of things as they actually are. Your life may be an imperfect mess, but it is an imperfect mess that is perfectly divine–a work of sacred art, even if you forget that sometimes.” ~ Jeff Foster

Maybe it’s OK that this rough, difficult, unexpected event or life-change has happened.

What if that was just as true, or truer, than your original thought?

In the Year of Inquiry group every third week of the month, we always spend time in what’s called “the turnaround to #6”.

Now, before you think that’s some weird secret code—if you’re not entirely familiar with The Work of Byron Katie—don’t worry.

You’ll catch on very fast, and it’s super cool.

All this exercise is, is a fantastic way of turning your thoughts upside down and shaking your frightening story loose….

…..possibly leaving you with a feeling of empowerment and openness you may find quite astonishing.

So here’s how it works.

Let’s say you’ve noticed you have some difficulty with a person in your life, or your job, or overeating.

We’ll often have big grand thoughts about a troubling situation.

“I don’t ever want to talk to that man again!”

“I don’t ever want to get cancer again!”

“I don’t ever want to eat too much at night again!”

“I don’t ever want to lose all my money again!”

“I don’t ever want to get divorced, break up, be abandoned again!”

You can find what you might say in a troubling situation you’ve experienced in your life (or you might be going through it now).

What is advised strongly in doing The Work is to first really look in depth at your situation. Write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet

(you’ll notice the last question on the JYN worksheet is “what is it that you don’t EVER want to experience again in this situation?”)

But once you’ve walked through the process of inquiry on several concepts you’ve thought of as really true….you can try on the famous Turnaround to #6!

Which is…..I am willing to _______. In fact, not only am I willing, but I look forward to ______.

I am willing to talk to that man again. Pause.

Think about that for a minute.

What if this was true? What if there was some kind of benefit in this turnaround, for your life personally?

When I got a cancer diagnosis in 2006, a huge bolt of adrenaline shot through me. I would need surgery for sure, to cut it out. And some testing.

I had The Work as a tool by then. I wrote a worksheet on cancer.

It wasn’t very nice, let’s put it that way.

How could I ever, ever consider the turnaround to #6 when it came to cancer?

I am willing to get cancer again.

Jeez. (Head shaking in a NO).

But I sat with it. I knew it could happen….that was reality.

What could be interesting about being willing to have it come along again?

Well….the awareness of having this one limited lifespan.

From that time of having cancer, getting divorced, and losing all my money….I found such powerful strength, I honestly can say without a doubt that I’ve never ever been the same.

I went from extreme introvert to making podcasts and writing these Grace Notes and running retreats, and sharing with so many people my inner life.

I feel like I made a leap on a cosmic level that I always wanted, but couldn’t reach.

It was invaluable.

OK. Yeah. So if that’s what part of the outcome could be….then SURE….

….I am willing to get cancer again.

And Part 2 is where you turn up the volume.

I look foward to it.

“I look forward to talking with that man again.”

“I look forward to getting cancer again.”

“I look forward to losing all my money again!”

“I look forward to getting divorced, breaking up, being abandoned again!”

I notice, it dissolves the barrier within of bracing against an uncomfortable future.

It takes the defense out of everything.

It opens me up to the pure state of vulnerable surrender that is actually always present.

It gives me a bring-it-on joy that’s relaxing, accepting of all that is, ready for anything, attuned to life on life’s terms.

This is not filling yourself with dread or worry….

….it’s the complete opposite. No holds barred.

It’s putting down carrying the heavy boulder of trying to hold up a future that doesn’t even exist.

It’s claiming…..I’m jumping in, no matter what happens.

Here we go, world!

Can you feel it?

“Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean.” ~ Christopher Reeve

Yesterday in the Parenting telecourse we looked at a common idea so profound, it happens many times in life between people….

….not just parents and children.

That person is making me upset.

They are running things, ruling the roost, bossing me around, pushing me to do something, making me feel nervous, confusing me, aggravating me, hurting my feelings, disturbing my peace, not doing what I want them to do!

In some ways…..all the stressful beliefs about any other people I’ve ever known have been related to these thoughts.

The person is being themselves….whether age two or age 82…..and I have to “deal” with them.

If only they’d change.

This is a big fat hassle.

I have to put up with this??!

That person’s behavior scared me, hurt me, saddened me (or even made me happy—sometimes, even THAT thought is stressful).

Who would you be without the belief that the person you’re thinking of is the cause of your stress?

Who would you be without the thought that they can disturb your inner peace?

A mother called me once with a deeply painful situation for her work.

Her son, a teenager, had gone missing on an international backpacking journey. She had seen him head down the trail, and that’s the last time she ever saw him. Police, investigators, a complete change of their situation from “vacation” to horrifying experience of loss and tragedy.

He was eventually assumed to have died.

The rage, grief and sadness felt unbearable.

Who would she be without the belief that he caused this agony, he triggered it, or that someone or something was to blame?

Wow.

It’s very hard to find, when you’ve been in the midst of trauma.

The mind wants answers. It wants to know who or what is the culprit.

Sometimes, it’s even “God” or the universe, source, reality.

It is against me. 

But without that belief….

….dropping below or under or back behind that belief….

….feeling what it’s like without THINKING about the difficult situation, without remembering the event that created pain in your life….

….who would you actually be?

I see pictures of those situations I believed hurt me. Sometimes badly.

My good friend who reported me to authorities for a deep and bizarre misunderstanding. My former husband requesting divorce. My father dying long ago. The pregnancy I aborted. My leg getting badly injured. Having a cancer diagnosis. Losing almost all the money I had.

I am hurt by these things….I was hurt by these things.

Is it true?

YES.

Are you positive these were harmful? That these events shouldn’t have happened? That you’re damaged because of them? That you have to “deal” with the repercussions in a distressing way?

YES. I am sure!! Then….a tiny iota of doubt enters.

I notice I’m breathing. I notice I’ve come a long way since any of these things happened. I notice when I’ve done the work on these people, these events, I have a new and different view.

I’ve been surprised some benefits exist that caused yet other things to occur, including me to wake up to what I really wanted, or what I was committed to.

I notice every time….not ALMOST every time….but EVERY time….

….that I am OK at the very least, but often actually better off than before this thing happened or I encountered this person.

I am changed for the better because of knowing this difficult person, or situation.

Without my thinking, I am not only OK….I am hearing silence in this moment, noticing my aliveness, connected to those who are gone, being with this body and feeling the temporariness of all of life.

This is the way of it.

Things change. Things are only here for a little while.

“The truth is that most of life will unfold in accordance with forces far outside your control, regardless of what your mind says about it. It’s like sitting down at night and deciding whether you want the sun to come up in the morning. The bottom line is, the sun will come up and the sun will go down. You can think about it all you want, but life is still going to keep on happening….This world is unfolding and really has very little to do with you or your thoughts. It was here long before you came, and it will be here long after you leave.” ~ Michael Singer

Even these extremely painful situations.

They come and go, they pass….and for some reason loss, trauma, and death appear to exist, whether I think about it or not.

And so does life.

“We all face loss–that is the way–but if we can turn towards our loss, and listen to it, and stare it in the face, then it may reveal hidden gold, and we may end up seeing ourselves and out loved ones reflected more clearly than ever. Grief is only love in a strange disguise, and it constantly invites us to come closer…and closer still…” ~ Jeff Foster

The other day I was remembering Annie Lamott, a favorite author of mine, and her tales of waking up out of addiction and ending the cycle of self-abuse.

I have to chuckle when she describes the inner voice that’s so mean, radio station KFCK was the first way I heard it described.

She also calls it KRAP….a little less cuss-word oriented but it still gets the message across.

If you’re on the Eating Peace notes, you’ll recognize it in my message in my video yesterday.

The main idea in this message, noticing this voice?

Noticing that we also have a kind, generous, loving voice within.

It’s been there the whole time.

Perhaps not even a voice all the time, but a feeling, an observing view, a sense of inner silence that is not disturbed and not freaking out. Ever.

Do you know what I mean?

The radio station KFCK or KRAP can sometimes chatter away so loudly, you don’t recognize this quieter voice.

And yet, this seemingly more silent voice is deep, steady, unbothered, and eternal.

It’s the radio station L-O-V-E.

That sounds super sugary corny perhaps, but it’s true.

Funny how we don’t spend a lot of time, at least I sure didn’t, listening to that LOVE radio station instead of the other one.

But don’t worry, even if you haven’t listened to it much, or you’ve gone way off track, or gone haywire thinking very negative and disturbing thoughts, or lost the signal for love entirely…..

…..you never have.

You can connect with it right now.

Who would you be without believing what you think is true, especially the brutal thoughts, or the criticisms from other people, or anything you don’t like hearing?

Who would you be without the thought you’ve made a mistake, you’re wrong, you shouldn’t be thinking negatively, you’re not measuring up, you didn’t succeed, you’re lacking something, you’re nothing important, your mind is right?

Who would you be without beliefs about other people and how annoying, sad, needy, irritating or bothersome THEY are?

Like….what would it be like if you just had no thoughts of being against it all, no brain putting out an inner voice, deciding things, assessing and commenting on everything as if its worrisome or irritating?

What’s a flower like? Or a tree? Or a bird?

Here you are being yourself, which includes having a mind that runs off in various directions…..

…..but what if you just didn’t get all worked up and involved?

If you let the kind, tender, compassionate voice be the louder one for right now, without trying to fight against the other ones?

“You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation…and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else.” ~ Herman Hesse

Now that’s relaxing. And loving. And kind.

Oh halleluia.