March 2015 – Page 3 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

March 10, 2015

Why Would Anyone Do The Work of Byron Katie?

question your thinking, change your entire life

The other day I was interviewed for a program in well-being and I got a great and simple question….why does The Work….work?

Why do The Work at all?

Why offer programs teaching others how to do The Work? Why find partners to talk about your beliefs who are willing and interested in questioning them? Why keep asking what’s true, and who you’d be without your thought?

Why question your stressful thoughts?

Because when I have done this, over time, without giving up or quitting….

….my view of the world has become bigger, shining, mysterious, joyful….

….and so has my life.

I’ve fel Limitless Joy. Unbounded success.

A sense of positivity and love for this world and what humanity is capable of that’s full of wonder, energy and creativity.

Realization. Waking up out of the trance and drama of living in fear about everything, and being so self-centered and stuck.

Woah.

That’s pretty seriously amazing reasons for doing The Work, right?

But I had no idea this is where it would lead when I first began.

Initially, the reason I came in to The Work when I read Loving What Is, by Byron Katie was because I longed to feel peaceful.

I wanted to feel deeply content. To understand my purpose.

Something inside of me knew that it might not be my life I was finding so stressful….but my own mind.

I knew I had a pretty remarkable life, actually. I had shelter, opportunities, support, a cute house, a great education.

But my own thinking was torturous. It felt addictive. I had been in terrible pain as a teenager, practically suicidal. I developed an eating disorder and had a part of me that was so frightened, bitter, cynical and critical, it was shocking.

When I read Byron Katie’s words that suggested my own mind was the creator of my suffering…..I was stunned.

I recognized the truth of that comment.

It wasn’t other people, difficult circumstances, or trauma that created suffering.

It was me telling sad and frightening stories to myself about a lot of really important things, people and events in my life.

No wonder I was such a wreck.

Questioning your thoughts is not just a tool, or a gimmick, or a punchy kind of way to apply force to negative thinking.

It’s really deep and powerful clarity around how you live your life on a daily basis.

And even more than clarity?

It’s how to have everything you ever wanted with integrity, joy and adventure.

Yes, it’s that big.

Why do I love doing The Work?

Because the longer I do it, the more I do it, the more expansive my world has become.

I’m no longer trying to get through life as best as possible, avoiding problems, managing as best I can.

I feel a deep ecstasy within that is beyond what I ever thought possible.

Why wouldn’t I want to share it? And see other humans also light up with awareness and freedom?

The other day when I was teaching my mini retreat that happens quarterly on a Saturday afternoons here in north Seattle in the USA, I said to all the people who came “there’s nothing I’d rather be doing on a Saturday afternoon than gathering with others to do The Work”.

I really meant it.

My favorite experience is gathering with others to grow, learn, see what’s present.

“So work on what your mind will work on. And watch the mind disassemble itself where it’s able to. That would be living like a kind human being, to just work on what the mind CAN work on. And each time you do that, the mind begins to open up, until pretty soon the things that were like cement are like the ones you started with. Mind begins to trust that what it is without its story is not an unsafe thing to be–is not an unsafe experience.” ~ Byron Katie

Here’s the thing.

You. Can. Do. This.

The Work is available for free. It’s just four questions, and then finding the turnarounds, to your painful beliefs. All you need is a pen and paper.

If you need help, it appears this has become my job and I teach classes and workshops and retreats–I am the luckiest person ever.

Love, Grace

P.S. Two wonderful classes coming soon to help you dive with greater support into your inquiry process:

*Relationship Hell To Heaven – Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 March 23-May 12, 2015. $395. Start with one person you’re having the greatest trouble with and we’ll inquire. Can you imagine being without your repetitive stress on this person in your life?

*Desire and The Work – Thursdays 8:30-10 am Pacific Time April 2-May 14, 2015 (no class April 30). $325. In five important areas of life, we find our objections and then we find our deepest desires. We question what blocks us from clarity and success. What excitement!

To register or if you have questions, hit reply.

March 9, 2015

Even The Horrors….Questioning Your Personal Thoughts

candleindarkness — life endlessly transforms

Not so long ago a very dear client/inquirer/friend called me because her son’s girlfriend committed suicide. Age 16.

Even though I didn’t personally know her son directly, nor the girlfriend….

….I paused with the news, drew in a deep breath, and then cried.

The awareness of a young girl deciding to end her own life filled me with the ache of suffering of humanity.

All kinds of thoughts went though my mind: it’s so unnecessary, the parents of this girl must be devastated, this was an unfinished life, these events are unbearable, the son must be so distraught, how does so much suffering happen?

I felt connected to it. I know this family. They live in my same city.

This past year, I read about a death of a 15 year old girl from my daughter’s high school, also by suicide. I didn’t know her at all, didn’t recognize her name.

It’s not terribly uncommon.

That’s the incredible thing.

Such finality in the decision, and yet decided every day by people.

Last year all mental health professionals where I live were required to take a six hour continuing education course on suicide.

I was so grateful for the training.

During that class, one topic of discussion was about interviews which have been done with people who have tried to commit suicide and by some strange intervention, did not succeed.

Many of them shared one fascinating thought, as they looked back at the event.

Right after they caused the act that would end their life….

….a huge number of them said “Oh no! Wait! Nevermind!”

They became clear.

After the decision was no longer up in the air.

The mind working so fast and realizing, after stopping the endless agonizing debate of whether to DO it or NOT DO it….

….once that war was over….

….this wasn’t really the answer.

Now of course, these people in the interviews were the ones that by some fluke DID live.

They landed on a soft pile, their stomach was pumped of all the medication, the bullet went clean through and missed vital parts, the rope broke, they were rushed to the hospital and stitched up.

Maybe those who die also have clarity beyond that moment of taking action, who knows. And maybe, since they die, that is exactly what they become clear about—death was just right for their situation. We can’t really interview them.

There is simply no answer, no way to know.

Suicide exists as one way life ends…..and everyone’s life is over in this particular body at some point.

So who would I be without the belief that it’s the wrong choice, unbearable, impossible to get over, a life that should have been different or longer?

It doesn’t mean I like it, or my heart doesn’t break into pieces….but I notice I’m present, connected, full of feeling, tender, noticing there are no answers and no reasons, and there is still life here, going on, and I can show up for the people here, now.

“In the end you know that there is no sin, no guilt, no retribution, only life in its endless transformations. With the dissolution of the personal ‘I’ personal suffering disappears. What remains is the great sadness of compassion, the horror of the unnecessary pain.” ~ Nisargadatta

It’s OK not to know what to do, or say when someone dies…even from suicide. It’s OK to remain present, to be with those who remain alive, to help them, to support, to feel every drop of feeling, to sob.

All you have to do is be there, being.

Nothing more.

Love, Grace

March 6, 2015

In The Middle of A Storm of Busy….Pause.

It seems the way of it over time is that on weekends, there is either only one Grace Note, or maybe even none.

But I felt full of joy to give you a gift of remembering to pause, perhaps even right now.

Even if you are wildly busy, which feels like my life in the past few years.

Busier, busier, and busier. Calendar filling, writing like crazy, so many clients, many classes, always a retreat coming up and preparation needed and kids, dance, gym, groceries, laundry.

Sometimes feeling on the edge of not actually being able to do all that I say I will be doing, all that I’m saying “yes” to.

Instead of tightening up about it today….taking a deep breath.

It has to happen, it should be done, it needs to get complete, I must finish.

Who would you be without the belief that you really need to have that thing finished in order to be happy?

You may still be on the road towards its completion….

….but it’s OK if you don’t get it done.

Because this journey is amazing, and wonderful, and glowing.

You are awesome, no matter what predicament or situation you’re in. Even with all that is unfinished and undone.

When an archer is shooting for nothing, he has all his skill.
If he shoots for a brass buckle, he is already nervous.
If he shoots for a prize of gold, he goes blind or sees two targets —
He is out of his mind!
His skill has not changed. But the prize divides him.
He cares. He thinks more of winning than of shooting–
And the need to win drains him of power….

….The non-action of the wise man is not inaction. It is not studied. It is not shaken by anything. The sage is quiet because he is not moved, not because he wills to be quiet.
Joy does all things without concern. For emptiness, stillness, tranquillity, tastelessness, silence, and non-action are the root of all things.

~ The Way of Chuang Tzu translated by Thomas Merton

Pause. Feel the quiet.

Feel how good and simple it is, even when your to-do list is long and your dreams are big.

Did you notice the full moon?

Ahhhhhhh.

Love, Grace

March 5, 2015

Who Would You Be Without Your Story From 1939?

outerspace — who would you be without your story?

Last night, I was doing World War II homework with my 17 year old.

Now, this was not necessarily my plan.

I mean…did I say, in March 2015 what I really want to do is review the facts and story of World War II?

And yet, within 30 seconds of starting to help her with her homework, we were having a great discussion about the Cold War, John F. Kennedy, communism, terrible prejudice, why the word “God” was put in the pledge of allegiance.

I played her the song Harry Truman by Chicago, instantly found on youtube.

All stories.

Isn’t it strange how we love stories?

This happened, then that happened, then this other thing happened, then she did this, then he said that, then they were upset, then he got mad, then she was depressed, then someone died, and someone was born, then they left.

The story of humanity, living itself.

“We shouldn’t have so many stories”.

Especially the ones that get people all fired up and upset.

Is that really true?

What if it were OK to have stories, just not believe in them so radically?

Stories are profound, and beautiful, and agonizing. They can be so brilliant, and so inspiring.

But when they hurt and feel painful….awful.

Thank goodness for inquiry.

What if you could look at your own personal stories the same way you see a movie, or a story from history, playing itself out?

One day, when I was deeply pained by a story about heart-ache, sickness and death, it occurred to me (I didn’t invent this, it was an exercise offered to me) that this story about dying and tragedy was playing on a screen in my mind, and I could step to the side of the theater, and look at the thin width of the screen, hearing only the sound, seeing only shadows dancing on audience faces, no longer immersed in the story.

I could be free not to believe, not to know.

Not to repeat it over and over, not to try to smash it down or push it away, not to be so desperately moved by my opinion of what was happening in the story.

Wow.

What if what you’re thinking might pass? What if it changes next week, next year? What about a decade from now?

What about from WWII, and all the remarkable change that’s occurred?

“Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.” ~ Joss Whedon

All I know is, questioning repetitive, serious, difficult stories by looking, investigating, exploring who the characters are, what you’re doing, what’s happening with thought, what’s being felt, seeing what’s true and what’s not….

….allows the humor to come forth, the acceptance.

Who would you be, right now today, without your difficult, tragic or victim story?

Noticing that difficulty and pain happen, then relief, then creativity, then ingenious magic.

All the world’s a stage, and how beautiful to not know how the story goes, why it goes, where it goes. Not really.

Kinda fun, right?

Love, Grace

March 5, 2015

Mini Retreat March 7 – And Resting In Presence

Do The Work of Byron Katie March 7 in Seattle

Room for a few more people this coming Saturday 1:30-5:30 at my cottage in Seattle, doing The Work from start to finish on a stressful situation in your life….current or past.

Mental health therapists can earn 4 CEUs.

$70 for materials, yummy snacks, tea, sweet people (always) and deleting stressful beliefs!

Eating Peace: Going Deeper Into The Moment You Reach For Food

Studying your experience when you feel compulsive, or overwhelmed with the urge to eat, or like you’re in a fist fight with craving….

….can lead to absolutely wonderful insight.

You think it can’t.

You might say “I already know what I need to do about cravings or compulsive urges to eat….I need to shut them down and control myself!”

But no.

I noticed this never, ever worked. Not in the long run.

So without fighting the moment or feeling repulsed about looking, let’s slow down and study what’s happening, in slow motion.

After you watch, let me know in the comments what you notice about your own craving moments. What else was going on, before you felt like eating? What were you feeling? What didn’t you like about your situation?

Lots of Peace, Grace

March 4, 2015

Living Your Turnarounds Feels……Fabulous. Here’s How.

joie_de_vivre — celebrate the wonder of desire

I have had so many questions about my little P.S. a couple of days ago in my Grace Note on Desire and The Work of Byron Katie (and yes, it’ll be a teleclass).

It seems to have struck a chord.

Desire is an amazing feeling when you feel alive, full of integrity, passionate, happy, full of zest and zip, committed, fascinated, following the breadcrumbs through the woods!

Joie de vivre!!

Desire can show up with a deep sincerity in spiritual practice, the spark you have for clarity and connection, the wonder to awaken.

But we really do get weird about desire….at least I sure did.

Stop it! Hold it back! It can get you into trouble!

You need to keep your head on straight!

Sometimes true.

There is the foolish human story of someone following their passion and rushing at a windmill, like Don Quixote.

Or the tragic human story of crimes of passion when someone murders their partner, and commits suicide.

What about desire for drugs, alcohol, food, cigarettes, something sexual, money.

Turning against desire, when following it led to hurt and pain, appears to be one strategy in this human dilemma.

I just won’t go there.

For me, this may offer some stability in a roller coaster of emotion, or relief when you stop hunting down and trying to grab….

….but it wasn’t really freedom.

How can we experience the joy of desire and moving towards what we love, celebrating whatever happens along the way?

Guest what my answer is.

Yah. That’s right.

Inquiry.

It’s all about the stress, ’bout the stress and trouble.

Here’s what I mean.

When you feel desire for something, for a change, for a situation, for an experience, for money, for a person….

….first, allow it to be there.

Why do you want that?

Instead of simply rushing towards it with your lance, riding your horse and wearing a helmet….pause.

What would you have, if you had that thing, person, situation?

I’d be secure! I’d be happy! I’d be free! Life would be easy! I’d be successful! I’d be proud! I’d be at peace! I’d be there!

Are you absolutely SURE you need that thing in order to have what you think you’d have?

As Byron Katie suggests….could you skip the middle man, and have that feeling RIGHT NOW?

Woah.

Have my desired feeling NOW?

You mean….feel peace, joy, happiness, freedom, ease, success, pride, or security….now?

I noticed, this is what began to happen as I did The Work and entered the turnarounds.

I did not need that thing or person or experience or situation to be the way I thought it should be in order to be happy.

And have you noticed what can happen when you discover the feeling you wanted all along is possible right now, here, in this situation, in this moment (without your demands for it to be different)?

You want to get up and dance.

Or bawl your eyes out.

Or express, share, celebrate, jump, rest, care, hug, honor, be very quiet in amazement.

“Perhaps your hunger to belong is always active and intense because you belonged so totally before you came here. This hunger to belong is the echo and reverberation of your invisible heritage. You are from somewhere else, where you were known, embraced and sheltered. This is also the secret root from which all longing grows. Something in you knows, perhaps remembers, that eternal belonging liberates longing into its surest and most potent creativity. This is why your longing is often wiser than your conventional sense of appropriateness, safety and truth… Your longing desires to take you towards the absolute realization of all the possibilities that sleep in the clay of your heart; it knows your eternal potential, and it will not rest until it is awakened.” ~ John O’Donohue

Today, I love my hunger (most of the time) and bump up against too much intensity in desire, or out-of-integrity desire in far less degrees than I once experienced.

No more damage to myself, no more violence.

Without stress, I notice desire present in unfettered freedom. Ready to sing, or make a cup of tea, or fall into bed after a great day’s work.

“For the thirst to possess your love,
Is worth my blood a hundred times.” ~ Rumi

If you’d love to learn to live your turnarounds, feel your core desired feelings, then join me on a six week journey into new territory combining The Work and Desire.

We’ll start with what we complain about.

And what isn’t working in our lives in our opinion.

We’ll look at when we don’t feel generous, or we feel fearful.

We’ll take these to inquiry.

We’ll sit with the turnarounds and use our imagination to spend time there, and ask ourselves….

….if I lived with my deepest desire without terror….

….if I lived my turnaround with abandon….

….what would that look like?

What would I do, say, think, feel, be?

Can’t wait to follow this adventure into dissolving painful beliefs, and celebrating desire.

We’ll meet Thursdays 8:30-10 am Pacific Time for 6 weeks starting April 2nd.

“The point of life is happiness.” ~ The Dalai Lama

Love, Grace

March 3, 2015

The Surprise When You Stop Trying To Change Yourself

the freedom of not believing you should be different than you are

Yesterday when I was facilitating in the Parenting teleclass, I heard the lovely step-mom say some familiar words:

“But I know this is really me and my need to change. I am the grown up, I should pull myself together….I already know this isn’t about anyone else.”

Now, that’s basically got an element of truth about it.

It all comes back to us.

We ourselves are the only ones who can actually change. It doesn’t work so much to wish, demand or force someone else to….whether we do it aggressively or more quietly in the background.

It definitely hurts when you’re hoping for someone or something to get better–even your own kids.

You know this, and you wind up feeling bad about yourself almost more than them.

However.

There’s a trouble spot in this line of thinking.

At worst, it’s called self-hate.

At best, it’s called constructive self-criticism.

But do you notice the deeply stressful thoughts?

I need to change. I did it wrong. I lost my temper. I felt furious. I felt sad. I cried. I got upset. I felt competitive. I was nervous. I shouldn’t act like that. I need improvement. I should be more loving. I should be better.

What if you stopped with that line of thinking….and inquired more deeply into this idea?

Is it really true that you’re doing it badly? Are you sure you need to improve?

Don’t say “yes” so fast!!!

I know the feeling is strong. It’s maybe why you’re interested in doing The Work in the first place.

You’ve got a way of reacting you don’t like, when it comes to your kids, or your eating, or your boss, or money, or your career, or your life.

But instead of attacking yourself for being that way….

….a form of self-hate….

….who would you be, if you stopped insisting you’re wrong?

What if you really used this tough exchange with someone as a wild and learning-filled journey? A practice?

Who would you be without the belief you’re screwed up?

Without the belief that you should have felt something different when you had that exchange with your kid (or whoever) and it would have been better to remain calm?

It’s over now, and it happened.

So now, reflecting back on it, you get to learn with open arms what was going on that brought out your reaction.

And what could be better than discovering a deeper part of you, a part that was buried and needed to come out?

“The thought that life should be different than the way it is now is based on the notion that our peace and well-being is dependent on something happening, on some change. Controlling present situations is a way of trying to bring about peace and contentment later.” ~ Scott Kiloby

What if you turned your ideas about yourself and your need to be different around to the opposite, to try that on for a change?

You should be exactly how you’ve been, so far.

You should not change. Your peace does not depend on you getting rid of your bad thoughts, or fixing your feelings, or being a “better” parent, or doing things differently.

Weird, right?

But when I sit with this, I notice the shame and guilt dissolving. I notice an ease….then even laughter starting to appear.

I notice I’m a regular human, with normal human reactions. And I’m learning, slowly but surely, how these feelings and reactions and activities and behaviors are not ALL of me.

A funny thing happened for me when I relaxed and opened up to what might be OK about me not changing when it came to my rotten temper, or my sour moods, or my low confidence.

Even though that still sounds a little cray-cray.

(Really? NOT try to change? Isn’t that kind of pompous, or dangerous, or snooty or something?)

No.

Because what happened when I stopped that whole self-improvement self-hate cycle was actual change.

Doh!

“What we are doing in awareness practice is experiencing that who we are is not the self-hating social conditioning. Who we are is the conscious, compassionate awareness that is our essential nature. As we learn to live more from essence, we grow to realize that it is our opportunity, our joy, and our delight to embrace into unconditional love and acceptance all that suffers.” ~ Cheri Huber

Love, Grace

P.S. Relationship Hell to Heaven Class March 23–evening hours Pacific Time (once per year) 5:15-6:45 Tuesdays, 8 weeks. Your most important relationship will improve through this work….the one you have with yourself. Hit reply if you have questions or are interested.

March 1, 2015

50 Shades of Thought

Since the Love, Romance and Sexuality telecourse is underway….

….I’ve had the wonderful privilege of being with others investigating moments of criticism, disappointment, tension about nakedness, concerns when it comes to physical contact with others.

So many thoughts in one split second.

At least 50!

And speaking of romance and sexuality….

….I’ve ALSO been noticing, under the same topic, outcries, conversations, heated discussions, and an occasional note zipping by on facebook about that movie.

You know, that movie.

(Fifty Shades of Gray).

What surprised me recently was when I heard about some people who were into culturally experimental views around sexuality and sexual ethics….

….and even THEY were up-in-arms about the movie.

I thought they wouldn’t care, or have no opinion, or be in favor of everyone doing whatever they want….but no.

They had some pretty strong opinions about the whole thing.

I started noticing a little bubbling up of stress, and a typical reaction I’ve had when things gain a lot of controversy and everyone gets very worked up in the media.

They should calm down, stop getting so aggravated!

What is everyone getting so excited about, I mean for Gawd Sakes!?

Chill!

And I am NOT going write about some pop culture thing like 50 Shades in my Grace Note either! Jeez!

Ha ha!

Who would I be without my story about 50 shades and 50 opinions and 50 controversies and 50 ways to calm down?

I might actually connect. Ask questions. Ask people about what’s disturbing them, why they care.

I might listen.

Turning my high-fallutin’ thoughts around about how I can’t be bothered….

….I remember I myself am investigating every single week in my own telecourse the great topic of sexuality, romance, and passion.

We’re looking at our ideas about what hurts, and what doesn’t.

Everyone has thoughts about what is right, what is threatening, what is a solution, what is wrong, what works, what doesn’t work!

To look deeply and with an open mind at human sexuality is caring.

It’s a privilege, a wonderful exploration.

I do care about 50 thoughts, 50 ideas, 50 inquiries, 50 stressful beliefs, 50 ways to freedom, 50 turnarounds, 50 feelings.

“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare–it looks forward to it.” ~ Byron Katie

And I notice right now I’m feeling the joy of silence, writing only this sentence, remembering the sweet inquiring in the class the other day on sexuality, getting ready to stand up, gather keys, head for the gym.

Full of celebration about this world of people all singing their songs, full of life, being themselves, and feeling sexual, or not.

Love, Grace