Month: August 2014

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Old, Wrinkled, Sagging, Done–Hooray!

Many people have written to me about a Year of Inquiry (YOI) starting next month. One person asked if she could get a taste of what a group telesession was like, before deciding.

This got me thinking…

…next week is the very last week of Summer Camp for The Mind, where we’ve had 90 minute calls questioning our thoughts all summer.

If you’d really like to get a sense of how a telesession feels, our last three calls are Monday 4 pm 8/25, Tuesday 8 am 8/26, and Thursday 9:30 am 8/28. All Pacific Time.

Write me a personal email at grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d really like to join one of those sessions, and especially if you’re thinking about YOI. My gift to you.

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Meanwhile, back on the ranch.

The ranch, in this case, being the body. Because that’s where the mind goes today.

The body, and the troubles with the body. Having to “deal” with the body.

Have you ever had a problem with the body?

First of all. About a week ago, someone offered me an espresso.

Well, maybe just this once. Yummy.

Five days later and at least four more espressos later, my hands are peeling, my face is dry, and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Rats. Oh well.

Done with that….again. Now the skin has to heal up.

And speaking of skin.

I wanted to make a video. It was part of a very short, small project. It only had to be about a minute. I whipped out my cell phone…pretending I’m like all those smooth youtubers my kid watches…

…and when I watched the video…

…OMG. Seriously? I have that many wrinkles? I look like a dork, too, with my hair sticking up. Like I just got back from the gym.

Then there’s the surges of heat, where I feel suddenly completely warm, and sometimes slightly weird in my stomach. Kind of fascinating, but not exactly the best thing that ever happened in my life.

It’s called menopause.

My right second toe has some kind of knotted, weird, frozen joint thing going on. And let’s not mention that right torn and repaired hamstring from last year that still feels tight, numb and painful. Plus my right thumb kind of aching and not able to grab stuff tightly. (What’s with the right side? jeez)!

It’s a mess of imperfections and problems.

You may have your list, too.

That injury, the accident, the doctor’s visit, that thing that’s been hurting for a decade, the chronic ache that started when you were a teenager, the face, gray hair, sagging skin, the diagnosis.

It’s limited. There’s only so much time. This body will end.

What if you have stress, despair, fear, anger or concern about this state? That everything can only last awhile, and becomes more worn, used, old, or decaying over time?

Because everything does. Even a flower. Even a rock. Even a body.

Not long ago I did The Work with a woman who had been a big athlete in her life. Now, she had breast cancer. She was losing her hair with treatment. She felt ugly and like everyone could see, and everyone would know she was the diseased one.

They won’t like me, they’ll judge me, they’ll discard or move away from me, this shouldn’t be happening, I hate this disease.

Yesterday, I thought about her again. I could relate.

I hate this.

You can pick anything in the body. Small or large, light or traumatic.

I hate that this kind of thing happens, that things break down, that there is aging, change, sickness….I really do hate this.

Is it true?

Yes. It’s soooooooooo saaaaaaaad. Or frustrating.

Are you sure?

Yes. I got reading glasses some time ago and I think I have to go up to the next level. This is all the beginning of the end.

Death is approaching…even if it’s still 40 years away. My time is limited. I might have to cut my hair at some point, because who cares.

How do you react when you believe it’s sad that the body is limited, that it’s changing, or that its better to look young than old, or that sickness is horrible?

I don’t want to send the video with all those facial wrinkles. I don’t want to participate. I just want to read, learn, withdraw. I don’t want to hear anyone talk about me (it wouldn’t be good). I want to pretend I don’t have a body.

So who would you be without believing any of this? Without thinking this sucks, or that what’s going on is devastating? Without the thought that this is NOT LIKABLE?

Huh.

That’s weird.

This could be likable?

I love this. It shouldn’t be different. 

Strange.

“Why do you need to be straight in your posture? Is it true that you feel more open when you’re standing up? There’s no such thing as old age. There’s only an appearance. You look in the mirror, you tell the story of what you see, and you shut yourself down. What you see in the mirror is God. You tell the story of how its not, and how its wrong….And you don’t have to wait for old age, you’re living it now.” ~ Byron Katie

When I believe that I shouldn’t get sick, or old, or die…I’m against all signs that this could be happening, and stressed about those signs, and rejecting those signs.

But I can investigate right here, right now. Until it’s OK to have all these supposed ailments.

Suddenly, happiness. Smiling. I can feel so strongly what is not concerned at all, how very, very well everything is. Watching from out of these eyes, from what looks through them with absolute humming.

It’s truly awesome.

My thoughts were old, frail, aging, decaying, worn out, sick, limited, breaking down, falling apart, fuzzy, wrinkled, sagging.

Oh…that’s a good thing. I love that my thoughts and stories and nightmares and visions about bodies are breaking into a thousand pieces, dissolving and vanishing and becoming nothing.

Yippee!

“Nature is not a masochist. It’s loving.” ~ Byron Katie

“Refuse to think of yourself in terms of this or that. There is no other way out of misery, which you have created for yourself through blind acceptance without investigation. Suffering is a call for enquiry, all pain needs investigation. Don’t be too lazy to think.” ~ Nisargadatta

The adventure continues.

Much love, Grace

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Are You Smart Enough To Choose Happiness?

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????In the midst of the money teleclass currently underway, the teleclass on sexuality underway, preparing for Year of Inquiry….we’ve still got an August Summer Camp going, too!

So fun.

The Summer Camp group gathered on the phone together recently to take a look at what’s going on when someone is really angry with you.

“That person shouldn’t try to make me feel bad about myself!”

I’ve been on both sides of the same thought.

In other words, I’ve been both the one to whom anger is being directed, but also the one who is raging furious and hoping that mean, nasty person feels horrible about themselves.

A memory.

I’m on a date. I like this guy, he’s really clever and easy to talk with. We’ve been getting to know each other for awhile and I would say we’re pretty close.

Lots of uncertainty about boyfriend/girlfriend type status, but we appreciate each other and are very honest, and have had quite a few really intense, good conversations….the kind that last for three hours and pick up again where we left off.

We’re talking about our careers (or lack thereof, in my case) and what it was like to study in high school, then college, then graduate school for me. He never finished college, but makes waaaaay more money than me.

We’re in a beautiful restaurant. The sunset is gorgeous out the window, over a beautiful lake. The evening is warm and lush. Lights twinkle up and down the shore, and in boats silently moving through the water in the distance. He’ll be picking up the bill.

I sigh and continue the discussion.

“I really should have continued on into medical school. I almost went that direction.”

There’s a pause.

He looks at me, fork stopped in mid-air, kind of raises that same hand in a stop motion. His face looks like he doesn’t get what I just said. Then he takes his bite, looking like he’s about to speak. I politely wait.

“You mean, you think you’re smart enough to have gone to medical school?”

Now I pause.

Beat. Beat. Beat.

What the f*&%#$ did he just say? Is he questioning whether or not I’m intelligent enough to have enrolled in medical school?

He just insulted me!

The anger went from zero to 120 in about 2 seconds.

How dare he, where does he get off, he actually thinks I’m not smart enough?, he’s the stupid one, he can go &%*# himself, this relationship is over, he considers women second class citizens without brains. 

On the outside…I smile a strained smile.

We move on to other topics in education. I soften as he tells me about his terrible college career, and how he switched into business instead.

But I don’t forget that comment, even though the rest of the evening is still pretty nice, and my fury fades.

Fortunately for me, at the time, I already had The Work.

I immediately began to inquire about intelligence, smart-ness, being thought of as bright. Not being thought of as stupid, dumb, or thick.

Like…why did I care what he thought?

I already knew I loved my mind and how fun it was to think, analyze, discover. I already loved the way I usually felt confident in this one area, unlike other areas. I could figure out anything. I loved school. I loved to read, fast. I could take notes. I learned and devoured books constantly…every day. I wrote like crazy.

(you: yeah, you got that right!)

But wow, the quickness of doubt, discouragement, hearing someone suggest surprise that I might not be smart enough to go to medical school….and having a hissy fit about it….it was a pretty huge reaction.

And I really, really wanted him to feel bad about saying it. I wanted him to feel really bad about himself.

His punishment should be feeling *HORRIBLE* about what he said and *WISHING* he could take it back!

Heh heh.

Who would I be without the belief that everyone, including that guy, should think I’m a freakin’ genius?

Ha ha, it’s hilarious!

Without the belief, I see that he actually is putting words to what I wondered might be true…that I didn’t have it in me…..

…..In fact, I didn’t. I never went to medical school.

He was right!

“How do you know they’re not supposed to be civil and polite? They aren’t….What those people show us is what we haven’t undone yet….Do you want to end karma? It’s simple: ‘I’. ‘I am’, is it true? Who would I be without this story?” ~ Byron Katie

I started laughing, doing The Work.

How absurd to need to be smart, in his eyes, or even in mine. Isn’t it wonderful to be not-so-smart, not spending all that money on an academic program I didn’t actually want to complete.

I’m as smart as I have needed to be, no smarter.

This mind is doing what it needs to do, being all smart and dumb and smart again, then lost, then found, then useful, then confused.

The way of it.

“Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy? It’s really that simple. Once you make that choice, your path through life becomes totally clear. Most people don’t dare give themselves that choice because they think it’s not under their control. Someone might say, “Well, of course I want to be happy, but my wife left me.” In other words, they want to be happy, but not if their wife leaves them. But that wasn’t the question. The question was, very simply, “Do you want to be happy or not?” If you keep it that simple, you will see that it really is under your control. It’s just that you have a deep-seated set of preferences that gets in the way.” ~ Michael Singer

Do I want to be happy, or have everyone consider me brilliantly intelligent 100% of the time?

Oh. Well, that’s a no-brainer.

(No-brainer, get it? There are benefits.)

Much love,

Grace

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I Have To Make A Good Impression

clapforgrace

Yesterday afternoon a group of inquirers gathered in my little cottage to do The Work. It was a brilliant, warm summer afternoon with a light breeze wafting through the open doors and windows of the cottage.

The wind chimes were singing, the air was warm (sometimes hot), and everyone was attentive and interested.

When I first offered a meetup, a couple of weeks ago, I was a little nervous. I reserved a meeting space at the public library. I made packets for everyone who would come (I made twenty).

Best case scenario it would go like the picture above. Can you guess who I would be in that picture? Chuckle.

More than twenty people sent an RSVP, there was a short waiting list.

I practiced in my head which story I would tell that would best demonstrate my own journey using The Work, what would be able to convey the power of personal awareness through inquiry, how it changed my life.

I had to make a good impression in 2 hours.

How could I say what a difference this has made? How could I let these people know, who were total strangers, the way this work altered the way I looked at the world, and therefore altered my entire experience…..of everything?

How could I say in words this deep shift….a shift so subtle but so profound that I see so many new possibilities, it’s crazy?

And that it’s led me to other insights, teachers, and awareness, that I feel like I’m on a conveyor belt of enlightenment that I can’t get off, if I wanted to?

(In a good way).

Oh boy. I noticed a little stressy thought.

Called HOPE thinking. I HOPE it goes like ____ . I HOPE they get it, I HOPE I really communicate how powerful, I HOPE I can tell them how awesome, I HOPE I can demonstrate how fabulous….

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Did you hear the huge horn again? That one that is like the Gong Show, a giant HOOONNNNKKKKK….only in my mind. It’s one of those big horns they use when lifeguards have to get the attention of everyone in the water, or a boat is telling another boat to get the heck outta the way.

Stop. Listen. Move into inquiry.

Oh yeah!

I need to explain, they need to get how GREAT it is (whatever it is, you can substitute your own idea or thought about the greatness of something….you know what it is, right?)

Is that true?

Well. No. Not everyone has to “get” what I get, or see what I see, or understand. In fact, they couldn’t. Ahem.

How do I react when I believe someone has to understand what I have to offer, get me, feel what I’m saying?

Like I did the first time I had a meetup. Thinking about the BEST way to do it. Not exactly relaxed. Planning.

Who would I be without the thought?

Scheduling the next meetup with a whole different attitude (the one I had yesterday). Gentle on the inside. Resting. Noticing how sweet and unique and awesome everyone is, even if they are supposed “strangers”.

Without the thought that I need to somehow get any information whatsoever from inside me over to people over there, I notice how it doesn’t matter.

Everyone on their own timeline.

Me here now, enjoying all these people, so appreciative of them coming, showing up, trusting their process, their life pace and interest.

Noticing they are here to give to me, actually, not the other way around.

How beautiful! WOW!

Without the belief, I prepare for people coming with no expectations, being only myself, nothing to fix, nothing to change, nothing to deliver.

Ha ha, how funny.

The meetup was so much fun…more fun than ever.

Whatever and whoever was necessary showed up in the moment, and it was better than any plan or presentation or structured format could have ever offered.

“True autonomy arises when we have broken free of all the old structures, all psychological dependencies, and all fear. Only then can that which is truly unique and fearless arise within us and begin to express itself. Such expression cannot be planned or even imagined because it belongs to a dimension uninhibited by anything that has come before it. True autonomy is not trying to fit in or be understood, nor is it a revolt against anything.” ~ Adyashanti

I love everyone who comes to do The Work with me. Everyone.

We’re digging into holy ground. They stay or they move on, it doesn’t matter at all. They are held by reality and the universe and whatever is running things around here.

Which isn’t me, by the way.

DOH!

If you want to come along for the One Year 2014-2015 adventure in inquiry, where we address a stressful topic every month in a small telegroup, with two in-person retreats in Seattle, then visit HERE for more information.

Or just sign up by clicking below (this is still the early bird rate, which will end today).

undefined Click for Complete Year of Inquiry Program

undefined Click for Telesessions Only Year of Inquiry

Much love,

Grace

 

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The Tricky Sneaky Backwards Way To Avoid Blame

blamesignYou are invited…

Years ago, I opened a light purple envelope addressed to me only, which had arrived at my parents house, the same house I grew up in.

My mom had handed the letter to me the day before when I had stopped by in the afternoon to say hello.

Wow, I thought. Ten years. Hard to believe.

It was an invitation to my tenth high school reunion.

My immediate feeling was curiosity, followed by memories of high school, followed by wondering what it would be like, followed by anticipation, all in the course of 3 seconds.

Nah. I won’t go. Look at the price…that’s so expensive! Good lord! I don’t do anything that fancy!

The next day, I thought about the invitation again. I picked it up and re-read it.

Then I found myself filling out the little form to buy a ticket. I called two of my good friends who were in my same class. One said no way, he would never go. One said absolutely, this would be a blast.

Good. I didn’t think my boyfriend at the time would want to go, I didn’t even bother asking him. He wasn’t from my high school.

Then, for the next months, I kept thinking “I could get my money back, it will probably be stupid. I might not even know anyone there anymore. I have no idea who else is going.”

But I knew I was too curious about it to NOT go.

Even though I was never super torn about attending…I really had considered not going.

I would have missed a most dreamlike, semi-haunting, semi-strange, absolutely brilliant experience. Faces appeared before me that I had never thought of for one single second since I left high school ten years before.

People who were wonderfully familiar, but whose name I had zero memory of, people who had morphed into ten year older versions of themselves, an awareness of past-future-present all mashed up together.

Feelings washed through me of the movement of life, how odd it all is, how I understood nothing but in so many ways, it was all bizarre and magnificent.

It was better than going to a great movie.

It was like being in a living dream for me…so familiar, yet completely new, like I just arrived there from another planet with a distant memory of being a human being.

And I could have decided against going, and missed that cool experience!!!

In fact, some of my friends DID miss it. They shared with me their thoughts. They went something like this:

I didn’t want to re-enter difficult memories, people will judge me, I can’t feel confident going in there, this is a mark of how little I’ve accomplished, they’ll be surprised at my appearance, I look horrible, I should have done so much more by now, I don’t have a career which is really embarrassing, I’m such a failure, I could never go in this condition….

The mind can take over your freedom to choose to go to events, in an effort to protect you from getting uncomfortable when you go. Uncomfortable could mean feeling adrenaline, having an old memory arise, feeling sad, feeling bad about yourself.

But who would you be without ANY thought about this future event? With no expectations of how it will go and what it will be like?

What if you dropped your thoughts of comparison? What if you didn’t worry about who you might run into, or what that person will behave like when you see them?

Far more recently than my tenth HS reunion, I noticed one day thinking that I’d like to go back to a place I hadn’t been to in about 3 – 4 years….and then within 1/4 of a second, the thought that I could run into HER if I ever went.

I’ve done The Work on HER. I’ve sent blessings of light to her, I’ve prayed for her, I’ve ho’opono ono’d her (special blessing of Hawaiian origin), I’ve “worked” on that relationship enough where I can feel deep appreciation for all that went down, I even feel grateful.

However.

Running into HER?

That makes me nervous. Just better not go to that place where I might run into her, avoid the stress. Right?

Uh. Remember?….Who would you be without the thought that you aren’t safe? That you were hurt? That something bad could happen? That it would be too hard? That you couldn’t handle it? That it would be dangerous?

That you KNOW ANYTHING about what it would be like?

Oh! Right!

I’d go.

I’d live my life freely. I’d enter a room with my “enemy” with eagerness, knowing I might learn something more important than if I were with my friend, when the time was right.

“When you see him as flawed in any way, you can be sure that that’s where your own flaw is. The flaw has to be in your thinking, because you’re the one projecting it. You are always what you judge us to be in the moment. There’s no exception. You are your own suffering; you are your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn my thinking around: I love myself in her presence, I love my courage in her presence, I love my fear, I am safe, I am not a victim in her presence, I can handle all this–I already have.

Turning it around even more: She is safe with me, she did the best she could, she is honest in my presence, she was frightened too in my presence, she is imperfectly wonderful, she helped me (not hurt me).

All these are so true!

“If you blame someone else, there is no end to blame.” ~ Tao Te Ching #79

Notice, every time you blame, you feel upset.

For your own pleasure, fun, adventure and happiness…you can end it…and enjoy going wherever you need or want to go.

Do The Work.

Much love,

Grace

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You Become The Stories You Tell Yourself

It so touches me that quite a few people who were in last year’s YOI (Year of Inquiry) are doing it again. I’m extending the early bird price one day because the whole program with accurate updates was posted only yesterday on www.thework.com.

So, please write me today if you have questions and are wanting to decide this weekend. We meet for a whole year, and for me, it’s a life-saver, a mind-changer. It’s hard to do this alone.

More about the program here. We begin in September. Three telesession times to choose from 3 weeks in every month, 2 Seattle retreats, 4 solo sessions with me.

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There’s nothing like relationships to get you wanting to move into The Work more. In Friday YOI our topic is primary relationships.

Primary relationships are not only romantic partners, but close family members, people with interact with often over time.

And then there’s singleness, too! Problems with people, problems being alone! Ai me!

But it can hurt.

Sometimes….(often in fact)….when I’m guiding a group through inquiry, I fill out my own Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

This helps me know when to go on to the next question for everyone. I remember a moment, I ponder it, I write my thoughts, even if they aren’t super reactive.

Recently I noticed something interesting. In two different situations on different day, the same thought appeared on my worksheet.

“He should explain himself.”

This is one really fun advantage of sitting down, finding a situation that feels troubling, and writing a whole worksheet. You spend time with that difficult moment, examining it, finding out what you really object to.

You can write a whole lot if you want (if you’re like me, you probably will). THEN, you can re-read what you’ve written and come up with the best, clearest, most concise statements that say it like you really want to say it.

I’m upset because…I want him to…he should….I need him to….he is….I don’t ever want him to ……

I noticed two entirely different people, and the very same thought, in different situations.

That person should explain themselves to me. They should talk with me, help me understand what happened, discuss it, tell me about what was going on.

Woah.

Interesting repetitive thought.

Let’s go!

Is it true that she or he should explain themselves, explain their actions, tell their side of the story?

YES. That would help me make sense of those very troubling and painful experiences. It would help clear it up, I’m sure.

Really? Are you really, really sure?

Well. No.

I only believe that an explanation would mean I would feel better. My mind thinks it needs to know something, it needs to know more.

If I just understood, says the mind, I could rest, feel resolved, finally relax, not worry that something went totally askew in that relationship.

We’d be communicating, we’d be connected.

But I’m not sure. Maybe that’s not true. In fact, I’m sure it is not guaranteed, and I might not feel any better.

How do I react when I believe someone should explain themselves?

Why, I’m all about figuring out what the hell went on over there, inside their heads. Or at least I tell myself that.

But really, I’m craving a big download that takes me off the hook. They should explain thoroughly and in great detail, with lots of pictures, colors and illustrations, so I can find out that….gosh….it wasn’t ME. They might even apologize.

This explanation I crave would give me great relief.

Wow. I didn’t know I felt so bad, and guilty. But! I didn’t do ANYthing! Jeez!

(Settle down, settle down, stay in the work now, everything’s OK).

Who would I be without that thought, that she or he should explain themselves to me?

“Only when you don’t know what you’re looking for can you be open to the answers that will change your life.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d be noticing quiet, empty space. The space of this room. This moment here, now. I’d be noticing all the colors in this place, all the people, connections, life force.

I’d be feeling these other people very deeply. I’d feel them. Even the ones I haven’t seen in years. I’d feel how confused everyone got, how frightened they were. Everyone, including me, just mixed up. I’d remember how much I cared for them.

No words necessary.

I turn the thought around…I should explain myself, to ME, to them, to the universe.

What is this explaining I want? To know the motive, to get a justification, a reason?

I’ve been demanding an explanation from the whole universe for years.

EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I’M HERE, DANG IT! I DON’T GET THIS!

I’ve got an idea….why don’t I explain…how about that for a change (for a turnaround)?

I was afraid, I didn’t trust the situation, I was protecting myself, I wasn’t sure you were kind, I wasn’t sure you loved me or cared about me, I forgot who or what I was, I thought I was very small and fragile, I’m sorry, I thought you were going to hurt me, I was trying to be careful, I thought you didn’t understand me, or care about me, I felt lost, I forgot who you were. I’m so sorry.

Your thoughts, on paper, your freedom
Your thoughts, on paper, your freedom

I hope you can forgive me. I forgive myself. I forgive you. We were all trying our best. Now I remember.

“The four questions unravel each story, and the turnaround leads back to the storyteller: you. You are the storyteller. You have become the stories you told yourself. And you are what lives prior to every story.” ~ Byron Katie

“Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’re wanting a small group of truth-tellers to hang out with for this year ahead, come do The Work with us. You can choose telesessions only, or include the in-person retreats. Can’t wait to meet you all and continue this amazing path of inquiry, and peace.

I am here to un-do myself as storyteller, and feel the life behind the story, and share this journey with you, if you want to come along for awhile.

It’s so beautiful, I can’t even explain.

Much love,

Grace

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Doing The Work Shows Me How To Celebrate Change

Change-Your-LifeLast night the Thursday Year Of Inquiry group spent time investigating our topic this month. We’re in our last month of being together for an entire year, doing The Work.

Our topic?

Well, appropriately….the topic is endings, when something is lost, when it appears to be gone forever.

When they change, when it’s over, done, finished, kaput, altered, not going as expected or planned in any way.

Complete. Dead. Permanently deleted.

People in our group had all different situations, as usual, to examine.

A son who was growing up who spends less time with his parents, a beloved grandpa who had died long ago. Someone admirable who left, moved away. A lifestyle that ended. A real estate deal not unfolding as planned.

How many times in my life have I thought, with sadness, that it was unfortunate that something or someone was no longer with me, or that something was going differently than I wanted it to go?

Wow. What a big lens to look through at life where the lens is sour, victim-ish, disappointed, bleak, doomed.

It went wrong. It could have gone better. That person is lost and gone forever. 

Is it true?

Are you completely positive it’s true that it went wrong, or could have gone better, or they’re totally lost?

Well….yeah! On the really scary dreadful stuff, of course it could have gone better, are you nuts?!

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Um…..Yes? Pretty dang sure.

How do you react when you think it went wrong, it could have gone better, or it’s gone?

I have an image of that moment, when I was doing something I felt *horrible* about…making out for several hours with a boy when I was in sixth grade, hating every moment and waiting until it was over, but NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

Rats, that was a bummer. I called myself a wimp for about twenty years.

Or what about when I’ve injured myself and it appeared this body would never be the same again.

It could have gone SO much better! I was terrified and trying to fit in and didn’t want my really good friend who I loved to find me irritating and a bummer to the party.

I’ll never recover, I wish it was like the old way, I want it to be like it was before.

Sigh.

How do I react when I believe it?

RRRRUUUUNNNNN for your life!

Push it down, don’t think about it, ignore it, be on alert to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

It’s very tense.

“I don’t have any rules. I don’t need them. There’s a sense of order that goes on all the time as things move and change, and I am that harmony, and so are you. Not knowing is the only way to understand… Meanings, rules, the whole world of right and wrong, are secondary at best. I understand how some people think they need to live by rules…It’s very frightening for them to watch the world unfolding in apparent chaos and not realize that the chaos itself is God in his infinite intelligence.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would you be without the belief that it went wrong, or was lost and gone forever?

Wait for it.

Without any belief at all that it should have gone different than it did?

Peaceful. Right Here.

Looking around this room as I write. Pottery red wall, spider dropping from the ceiling, beautiful red and white rug, wooden floor, fingers tapping on computer, eagles chirping outside, quiet.

Turning it around: it went just as necessary, it went chaotically and wildly as it needed to go, everything fades away, returns, vanishes, appears, nothing remains the same, that was then, this is now, it was needed for just that long, then no longer needed in that form.

As the inquirers found in Year of Inquiry….YAHOO! It changed!

(Do you hear Celebration by Kool and The Gang playing in background?…OK that may be a bit far for your situation).

But could there be benefits for why it went the way it did? Could it be the universe is kinder than you thought? Are there advantages, or perhaps even simply noticing all is well?

“To give up the egoic will, all you have to do is not complain about what is.  Be aligned with the isness – people, situations, whatever – this is already as it is.  It’s the inevitability of is.  Become friendly with what is, and you become intelligent for the first time. With the simple act of surrender to the inevitability of the present moment, another energy comes. You could call that universal will, you could call that intelligence, you could call that the creative solution to whatever the so-called “problem” is….You and the Universe become one, and as such it creates through you as this form.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

If you’re longing to end your struggles and relax your thinking, by questioning it, and you’ve wanted to join with other like-minded people in support of this Great Inquiry….Year of Inquiry starts next month.

Early Bird registration still open for another day until August 16th! I would be honored to have you. Click HERE for all the information. Write to grace@workwithgrace.com if you have any questions.

Year-Long doing The Work Shows Me How

“I’ve so appreciated the Year-Long experience and intend to continue because of the opportunity to do the Work coming at me 3 times/month without me having to initiate. Doing the Work in that regular, consistent way has brought me to some deeply-held beliefs I was unaware of and was able to Work at unravelling. The Year-Long provides me with the long-term on-going class that allows me some breathing room between sessions, but always the next class to look forward to. After 5+ years of doing The Work, I continue to ask the questions and do the turnarounds because I get peace of mind each time. The stressful thought/experience unravels, I am gifted with awareness…I never knew what my business was before The Work.  And I did not know HOW to take responsibility for my life and actions. I did not know HOW to forgive others or myself. I did not know HOW to let go. Doing The Work shows me how.” ~ J, 2013-2014 YOI Participant

Much love, Grace

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Stop Seeking The Truth. Just Stop.


William James is known as one of the great father’s of psychology, the study of the human mind and how we behave and what’s going between what seems to be “thought” and “reality”.

He was doing his thing several years before Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud were having deep conversations in Austria.

James is famous for being consulted by Bill W, who also became famous for his recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous from terrible alcoholism.

The other day I learned that James had a crisis when he was in his late twenties. He felt like he touched bottom in despair about what his life was for, and whether it was worth it, and if he was really good at anything or just one big failure.

But then instead of killing himself, it came to him to make a decision. Before doing anything final, he would conduct a year long experiment: he would practice believing that he had free will.

He would believe he could change.

He could not know what would happen tomorrow, or anything about his destiny, but he could choose today to look at what he was thinking, believing, doing, how he was being….and freely question it.

He decided that during this One Year Experiment, he would choose to live AS IF he did not know what was true, but that he would believe in free will.

This is not believing that it could be positive, or wonderful, or perfect, or turn out super wildly good.

Only orienting toward freedom to choose, in any split second.

“You either believe your thoughts, or you question them. There’s no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie

James did this by looking at what was going on around him, apparently. By writing a lot in his journal. By looking at what he was actually telling himself.

This is of course what we’re doing with The Work or any clear form of self-inquiry.

I remember when I felt so awful about my pattern of binge-eating, overeating, snacking, unconscious eating and never really enjoying food in a deep, satisfying way.

One day, I understood that food was not what I was looking for.

That may seem sooooo obvious.

But if it was so obvious, why was I always going back to food every time I had that “feeling”?

Something was skipping by really, really, really fast.

It skipped over the awareness that I was insanely hungry for something…and re-directed the hunger, urge and craving toeating.

It almost didn’t matter what I was eating. More detail about what I craved and why became clear later.

But first, I noticed that I was damn hungry. For something. And then I noticed it wasn’t food. Because my stomach would be stuffed, but I still wanted more food. Wires were getting crossed.

I had a similar experience to Mr. William James. I saw that food wasn’t satisfying me, just about EVER, so I would believe, ever so tentatively, that there was something else that WAS satisfying.

I decided the universe wouldn’t be set up in such a way that a human would stuff food into a pipe that actually was built for divinity, power, beauty, joy, and silence….and have that work out in the end.

Well….it DID work out in the end. Because of knowing it didn’t work.

I was settling for way too small. Here’s what I said to myself when I was about 22, after vomiting a gigantic amount of food I didn’t even really want:

“I was born with the same human capabilities as everyone else. I will not quit until I figure out what is so off here. I HAVE to be able to eat and love food when hungry, and not care about it when I’m full. That’s the normal natural way of it. I can be in that club. It’s my nature, too.”

Back then, even though I wasn’t too sure life was entirely worth living, I knew I would never kill myself. I was too stubbornly determined that the dilemma of living out of balance was resolvable.

Something turned a corner, almost imperceptibly.

It took about a decade before all obsession with food fell away and I became easy with food. Little visitations have returned here and there, it continues to be refined always…but there is no agony about eating anymore, and it’s never returned in over twenty years.

Now, I’m a thought detective instead.

Now here’s the weird thing. I did not make any of those thoughts come in that brought determination to my plight. Did I invent them?

No.

There was absolutely nothing special about me whatsoever.

It still sounds better to this entity I am calling “me” to continue to live and experience this world outside of being an extreme addict, and to enjoy all the ins and outs, ups and downs, joy and sorrow, and completely bizarre weirdness of this place.

Today, I have been thinking about life and death, and the energy and effort it takes if you decide to actually put an end to your life as you know it…whether physically or emotionally.

There is something that moves towards change. It goes. It has a flow.

We appear to have free will. Or perhaps we have the capacity to believe we have free will.

Either way, if you ask “is it true?” to whatever you’re thinking…you may wait, pause, feel quiet, notice that you are not only your thoughts, find benefits to things the way they are, notice how you can feel peace for no reason.

If you ask “is it true?” you may discover there is nothing to do, and it isn’t. You just really don’t know.

“Do not seek the truth: only cease to cherish opinions….if you wish to know the truth, then hold no opinion for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is a disease of the mind.” ~ Seng-Ts’an

Blessings to all who decide to play the chess move with the universe that says it’s time to die, who kill themselves or kill other people around them, or annihilate all possibilities and burn bridges.

And blessings to all who look on others who take that path, and feel sad about their suffering.

All I can do in this moment right now is to notice the urge to think something is good, or bad, or that I am against or for it, or that I like this or hate that…but I have no idea if any of it is true.

And I know nothing about what is next, for anyone. I just know the easiest way is to rest in peace. Stop. Relax. Hold Still.

Robin Williams, and all the other people who have committed suicide, ever, and everyone who has ever had a violent, scared, abusive, fearful, horrifying thought….Rest In Peace.

Thank you for helping me see.

RIP.

Much love, Grace

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He or She Should Talk

Just finished the third teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality this morning. I love what people discover and see as possible in those uncomfortable moments around sexuality of any kind.

Today, we were looking at a couple of concepts….but I could really relate to one of them.

He should talk about sex, or having sex, or his thoughts, his feelings, what’s going on with him over there.

This thought happens in tons of situations between people, not just love and sex.

Someone will be doing something, sitting there like a lump NOT doing something, not speaking.

And we think with frustration “they should speak!”

Without that belief, however….what spectacular freedom. You notice silence, the empty space in the room, the look on the person’s face, the feelings in your own body and your own heart.

You may notice you feel like moving toward or away from that person, or you have a very important question to ask them.

You may also see, without that belief, how the turnaround is as true or truer….“I should speak!”

Oh maaaannnn.

I love looking at why I didn’t speak, when I had something to say, in my life.

I was afraid I would be rejected, afraid of being alone, afraid of admitting this wasn’t for me and I needed something different, afraid of leaving the situation, afraid of hurting someone, afraid of losing the feeling of thrill, curiosity, mystery, illusion.

It’s like I was always trying to prevent a future from happening that was unbearable. Being trapped, being rejected, feeling pain.

But who would you be without THAT thought….that whatever happens next could be threatening?

Without the belief that speaking, asking, saying what you need to say will result in something terrible?

You’d take a deep breath, and speak what is true for you, without attack or complaining or resignation or bitterness.

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Do you have anything to speak out about today, that you may have been keeping pushed inside for fear of the outcome?

Maybe it’s the day to say it. Only you really know.

“Spare yourself from seeking love, approval or appreciation–from anyone. And watch what happens in reality, for fun.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

 

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Having A Plan Can Hurt

Big Update on Year of Inquiry: I’m keepin’ the program cost low like last year rather than upgrade to a fancy venue with meals for retreats.

What that means is….a far lower fee, we potluck, some stay as guests in other peoples’ homes, you pick your own place to stay, it’s very homey. And we get to work very deeply.

Here’s just the facts:

YOI with Retreats, Telesessions, 4 Solo Sessions:

  • Regular payment – $2997 (paid in full)
  • Early Bird (by August 16th) – $2797 (paid in full)
  • Early Bird for YOI repeaters –  $2497
  • Payment Plan option – $1130 downpayment + $197 per month ($3297 total)

YOI with Tele Sessions and 4 Solo Sessions:

  • Regular payment  – $1997 (paid in full)
  • Early Bird (by August 16th) – $1797 (paid in full)
  • Payment Plan option – $197 per month ($2364 total)

undefined Click this button to sign up for the Full YOI Program with retreats in Seattle at the early bird rate.

undefined Click this button to sign up for the Tele Sessions Only YOI Program at the early bird rate.

Thanks for your emails and questions about all of this. Write any time if you’ve got more! If you are new to YOI, be sure to tell me about yourself by clicking HERE (the application).

******

Which is a perfect segueway into a sometimes-stressful thought.

I need to know, plan and be clear about what’s going to happen in the future. Otherwise…..something bad will happen.

This can be around retreat-creation, workshops or ANY offerings, parties, festivities, big gatherings, concerts, retirement funds, vacations, holidays, educational programs, growth of your business, career plans, moving, selling things, an extended family dinner.

Man oh man this is big on stress. I’ve heard from many mothers who experience this when envisioning family gatherings or holidays.

I have to get organized, plan, make lists, implement, manage and set up whatever it is, or else….

OR….you may go the opposite way (I’m guilty of this, too). You may avoid lists, plans, structure. You may prefer to be spontaneous, last-minute, and resist being tied down. You may be forgetful of details or not naturally organized.

The thing is, both directions can bring a lot of stress. And some great reasons to dig in and discover more deeply what’s really bothering you.

In any situation where you’re thinking of the future and you feel some anxiety or determination or resistance that isn’t peaceful, what is the “bad” thing that you’re imagining could happen, if things don’t go right?

  • people will be disappointed
  • they need to love it, or they won’t come again
  • if I change my mind, they’ll be offended
  • if I don’t do it, no one will do it
  • there will be no gathering unless I make it happen (and it would be really sad if it doesn’t happen)
  • I’ll miss out
  • if it’s bad, it will be my fault
Bottom line, I want everyone including me to love it. All Good All The Time. No Mistakes. Safe, Responsible, Kind, Fair, Honest.

But who would you be without the belief that you HAVE to plan, organize, prevent disappointments, work hard, “make” it happen, put in effort that you don’t really want to put in?

Without the belief that something bad could happen, if you don’t?

It’s a huge, big question.

What….you mean….I wouldn’t need to put myself out, over-work to make an event perfect, run the show, get myself exhausted over making something just right?

Yes.

What would that be like, to not be concerned for the future?

What if you let yourself relax? Rest? Let it go? Enjoy yourself thoroughly, without trying to prevent upset from happening later?

What if you did not need approval, or safety, in the future? If you didn’t need to know what was happening at all? What if you didn’t care, in a good way, what other people decided?

“I am here to un-create. The only thing that exists is the belief that just arose. Prior to that belief, there was no existence. There is nothing to create, no one creating, no creation. Go back to the space between thoughts…A belief arises. Even ‘isn’t it a beautiful day?’ and you come out of the vastness. You’re out of the world, you left the world. You entered the world of illusion. Your natural state is prior to belief….Haven’t you noticed a plan hurts?” ~ Byron Katie

Wow.

Without ME planning, organizing, creating, without effort, or goals, or having to DO….I’m being. Things occur to me to do, I do it. Things even appear at the perfect time, to be done. I follow the inner gut feel that knows what to do.

“I am movement. I watch it do itself. I create nothing. It’s not my business. Un-do yourself. Drop your plan.” ~ Byron Katie

Nothing wrong with planning with integrity and peace, with packing your bag to go on a trip, with getting the car brakes tuned up, with cleaning the toilet, with setting your business fees, with joining a dating service, with enrolling in a special program, with inviting every family member (they say yes or no, both are good).

But soooooo much more fun.

“So there are two ways you can live: you can devote your life to staying in your comfort zone, or you can work on your freedom. In other words, you can devote your whole life to the process of making sure everything fits within your limited model, or you can devote your life to freeing yourself from the limits of your model.” ~ Michael Singer

Much love, Grace

P.S. Can’t wait to meet you if you’re coming to YOI. I also have a program in Eating Peace beginning later in September (new model, beta version) and will be teaching Relationship Hell To Heaven again in the fall (8 weeks).

 

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Mad, Sad, Scared: Can You Control Your Feelings?

saddollOne of the most intriguing studies in life is human emotional feelings.

Well, for me it’s been an incredible journey. I could tell from the time I was very young that my feelings were so powerful, they actually guided my behavior!

What a concept!

Even if I kept them to myself and didn’t express them very openly, or tell other people what I was feeling.

If I felt fear, for example….from the tiniest level worry, to sheer terror with a racing heart, sensations coursed through my body. I would naturally turn left instead of right, or withdraw, or hide, or plan my revenge, or avoid.

At the same time as realizing how powerful emotions were, my mind began to have a few things to say about “feelings”.

It wasn’t too difficult to pick up the general consensus about feelings…it was the way everyone around me believed. They all appeared to be pretty dang concerned about feelings.

My mom, my dad, my grandparents, the adults next door, the teachers. They all seemed to agree and make comments which said feeling big feelings was not cool. You should turn them off, not let them overtake you or ruin your day. You should tone them down, make them manageable, and be rational.

You need to control your upset feelings.

Rational meant you could talk, breathe, communicate easily, make logical or simple decisions, and not do anything over-the- top or weird. You certainly wouldn’t be blubbering or “losing control” or screaming, crying, throwing things, or even laughing too much or too long.

So the other day, a picture popped in my head of an old friend having a sobbing fit over something I can’t remember. I just recall we were having a heart-to-heart conversation, and he started crying in huge big convulsive waves and he couldn’t really talk anymore.

It was a long time ago. But my immediate thought in the middle of having that memory was “God, that guy was seriously F#$&*@ Up. What a Head Case.”

Oh. Hang on. Pause.

Maybe I could take a look again at sobbing and not be so quick to adopt the world view that it’s annoying? Or how about any huge expressive feeling?

Rage (someone screaming), Fear (someone shaking violently), Wanting (stalker-ish love sick behavior), Grief (wailing).

Instead of hacking these kinds of feelings to bits with judgment and being sure it’s true that expressing them intensely is messed up….how about I look a little deeper, even though I’ve looked at this many times before, and been in therapy and all kinds of modalities that talk about expressing your feelings all the time.

What’s so upsetting about FEELING?

Hmmm.

OK. Feelings show you are believing something stupid, you’re wrong, you’re not in control of yourself, you’re not seeing the full picture, you’re immature, you’re self-centered, you’re good for nothing (until you get your head back on straight), you’re mesmerized, you’re addicted, you’re not calm, you could do something dumb, and people will want to drop you like a hot potato.

Wow. That’s some very harsh judgment! Whew!

The thing is, when you stop here and attack yourself for feeling big feelings, they get wadded up in a condensed ball in the pit of your stomach somewhere.

Just like anything else you attack or dismiss.

Let’s look at it from the outside looking in, from this observation point.

If you feel terrible about your own Big Feeling, see if you can find someone else who’s cuttin’ loose with that feeling. Whether it’s love, hate, fear, sadness, insecurity, grief.

“That person is too emotional.”

Is it true?

Yes, it’s disturbing me.

Really? Are you sure?

No.

How do you react when you believe that person is too “x” (fill in the blank on the feeling you don’t like observing)?

I put up a shield between me and him. I believe he has a problem and is a problem. I get away. I quit speaking to him. I make him my enemy.

Who would I be without that belief that he is being too intense with his feeling of “x”?

I’d watch, quite fascinated. It would be like walking along a quiet river, and then turning the corner and there’s a waterfall. Big, loud, gushing.

I would stay. I would feel very connected with him. Wow, I might even give him a big hug and stay close physically, without receding or disappearing.

I had no idea this is who I would be without the thought!

No critical voice, no calling him names and saying he’s a crybaby or emotional wreck.

In fact, something inside my own body relaxes and expands and sinks down towards the earth. I absorb the waves, I’m not afraid of them. I feel them move through me. It feels good, and safe.

“Fear is your friend. Don’t try to block it, or hide it, or get drugs for it. It’s something created inside you….Welcome every fear, no matter how uncomfortable. Even a doubt. If a doubt arises, turn inward. See how you really feel in your heart, how it resonates. The heart is being. You will not make a mistake. The heart doesn’t want an answer, it just wants silence. If you want a speedy journey to awakening, feel your fear.” ~ Burt Harding

I turn the thought around: No one is too emotional, not this person I am observing, not myself, not anyone full of feelings.

When I do not “decide” or “know” that any feeling is bad, I am free to relax and allow all these movements of thought, feeling, energy in the body to be just as they are. I am not against them. I am not for them either. I am not trying to get rid of them or trying to praise them.

I am just being.

“Anything can appear within this presence including movements of fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, doubt, confusion, and any other so-called “negative emotion,” not to mention the positive thoughts and feelings.  Awareness is nothingness.  It is the space in which all things, all movements, appear and disappear.

If you truly want to be free, you will dispel the belief that awareness is supposed to feel or be experienced a certain way–either positive, negative, or neutral.  Even believing that awareness is totally neutral is a trap.  Neutrality is just another position.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Suddenly, I have an even greater glimpse of absolute freedom in the flow of all that is here.

No planning. No “working” to get myself to feel a certain way or not feel a certain way. Everything just is, I watch, there’s nothing I can do about it.

What are your concerns about feelings, big or small? What happens when you question these beliefs? What did you learn about an emotion (or more than one) that made you decide you must destroy it and never feel it?

I would love to hear. Click below on the link to leave a comment if you like.

“When you realize that every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom, life becomes very kind.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace